02x05 - One-Love

[bunniefuu]

Flaherty: You're gonna meet my money manager.

Why do you call him a money manager?

Because he's offended by greedy Jew.

And rightly so.

I represent Cam Calloway and he may be a pro basketball player, but we want him to be more than just a basketball player.

We want his money to get off.

There's four people who forced me to believe that I and they were worthy of a big-time dream, like a good thing.

Those four people that believed in me are my family.

[cheering] My cousin, you're my best friend, man.

All I got is because of you.

You got b*at up by your sister and then you lied about it.

Jeez, Gerry, I would have lied, too. She can f*cking punch.

Can you drop me off at work?

I got to do highway trash pickup for my community service.

That's mobile jail. You need a ride to jail?

Yes.

Attorney: I'd insist on therapy and community service for Mary Charles since she is ineligible for a diversion program.

♪
♪ Here we go again ♪
♪ Here we go again ♪

[children chattering]

♪ Here we go again ♪

You're late.

So sorry.

Horrible traffic. I'll just make it up on the back end.

If you want credit for your community service sentence, be on time.

Sister Irmalita's Children's Home has rules for adults who partake in the Big Siblings Saints Program.

First rule, care about being here.

This is my number one priority.

Second rule. If you're gonna lie to my face, at least sell it.

I really do care.

Because a judge told you to.

I'd prefer to find volunteers who are compelled by kindness, not fear of jail time.

I've planned a ton of activities for me and my new little sibling.

Yes, people like you have been coming here for years inspired by the notion that they're going to make someone's life better.

But then they bail and retreat to trash detail on a highway off-ramp.

Know why?

Because they love Mother Earth?

Off-ramps don't talk back.

Off-ramps don't have feelings.

Off-ramps weren't inappropriately touched by their drug-addled parents.

These kids don't need stuff to do.

They need kindness and attention.

Brittany, can you come in here?

Nice to meet you, Brittany.

I am Mary Charles, your new big sibling.

Hi.

Hi.

Congratulations. You are glowing.

Thanks.

♪

I'm sorry.

It's okay, no problem.

Hey, uh, Reggie Vaughn?

Hey. Yes.

Allow me to introduce myself.

DeShauwn May.

How you doing, DeShauwn? Nice to meet you.

I manage athletes just like you.

I've been watching your moves real close.

And you k*lling it, bro.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Listen, you haven't seen a rich, balding guy?

Kind of looks like a black Grinch.

See, the only man that DeShauwn sees is his client, Jupiter Blackmon, and that's with an O, not an A.

Though I told Under Armour last week, if they help me with this marketing thing, he could be "Black-Man" all day.

You know what I'm saying?

Run with that.

Look, Jupiter is gonna be a top-20 pick in the National Football League.

And the way you and Cam conduct y'all business, y'all our inspiration. We ghetto-born, too.

And what Cam said about you at the press conference, I cried.

Thug tears, though. Not that weepy stuff.

You know what I'm saying?

I hear you. I hear you.

You know what I'm saying.

Nice to meet you, man.

But excuse me, all right?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, real talk for a second.

Hey, you thriving. So if you got any dabs of wisdom to throw my way, let me know.

Buy the Vanguard, wear condoms.

Oh, damn, that's two things I never thought about.

What? You a g*dd*mn genius, boy.

Tell me you found him.

Mall Mogul has left the building.

You said 100%, Missy. You swore to me, I swore to Cam.

His wife says he got the bubble guts.

Not my fault if the man mixed crab legs and chili dogs.

[sighs] I love crabs.

'Cause you got to work to get in them guts.

Just like a classy lady. Miss Vaughn.

Oh. DeShauwn.

Excuse us.

[whispers] Who is he?

I'll tell you later.

[laughing] Come here.

Yo, Reg. This here is Jupiter.

Hi, it's a honor. Cam says you like the biggest sh*t.

In a good way.

Yo, we all hitting Onyx posthaste.

Oh, yeah. It's been a long day.

I need some titties in my face.

[laughing] You know what I'm saying?

I'm with my wife.

She can go.

Look, the strip club is a equal opportunity establishment.

Wasn't really my point.

You know what? You go ahead. I'll go home.

I'll Uber.

Boom, she know.

The titty bar is the golf course for the modern-day businessman.

Baby, you don't want to Uber home.

I do. I very much want to Uber.

Well, and, Cam, you're probably tired.

You want to go home, get some rest, right?

Hell, no, man. You done woke up the beast.

Look, we already out anyways, man.

And Jupiter's hilarious. Yo, Jupe, do Shaq.

[clears throat] Hi, I'm Shaq.

[laughs]

It's uncanny.

Kazaam!

[laughing]

Cam: Kazaam!

You been practicing on that, right?

Jupiter: Yeah, you taught me that.

That was you. That was you.

Cam: Who else do you do? You got Charles, too?

So who do you think's the daddy?

One of three boys. I think.

Though it could be God's, Diane says.

That's happened before.

A long time ago in Bethlehem.

Right.

I think one of the three boys is a good guess.

They all live here in the home.

They're nice.

I wasn't taken advantage of or anything.

One's my age, 12 and a half.

Other two are 12.

Are you all supervised?

Not always. It's not bad or nothing.

I like the feeling.

People say I won't like the feeling of the baby coming out, but that's okay. I can do hard things.

I believe in myself, you know?

I do.

Some people want me to give it away, but I kind of want to keep it.

Not sure.

I think that's smart.

You're the first one to say that.

You like crullers?

What's that?

It's double-long donuts.

Sure.

Well, let's feast. You go find your three buddies.

I got a whole dozen.

Really?

Yeah.

They'll love that.

[grunts]

Hey, Jamari, Lucas.

My new big black sister bought us a fuckload of donuts.

♪ Let's f*ck up some commas ♪
♪ Let's f*ck up some commas, yeah ♪
♪ Let's f*ck up some commas ♪
♪ Let's f*ck up some commas, yeah ♪
♪ Forty thou to a hundred thou ♪
♪ Hundred thou another hundred thou ♪
♪ Three hundred thousand to five hundred thousand ♪
♪ A million, yo, let's have a money shower ♪
♪ Let's f*ck up some commas ♪
♪ Let's f*ck up some commas, yeah ♪
♪ Let's f*ck up some commas ♪
♪ Let's f*ck up some commas, yeah ♪
♪ Forty thou to a hundred thou ♪
♪ A hundred thou another hundred thou ♪
♪ Three hundred thousand to five hundred thousand ♪

Whoo!

Uh-huh, I can't wait to go pro until we make some real money. You know what I'm saying?

You can't believe the piddly deals they've been throwing at Jupiter.

$100 for a barbershop appearance.

What I'ma do with $100?

[chuckles]

Nothing now.

[sighs] Look, see, they all think they can take advantage 'cause our moves got to be on the down low until after the bowl game.

NCAA, no cash for African-Americans.

[laughs] You know what I'm saying?

In five months, he'll be a multimillionaire.

Whoo, and DeShauwn will be rolling in 10% of that multi.

[laughing]

Hey, get a lawyer for the long form.

DeShauwn ain't giving up no 5% for no boilerplate bullshit.

It's my job to save Jupiter money.

Not spend it. Mm!

That's real. Compliments.

Hey, I'm curious. How did you and Jupiter hook up?

Started as his mama drug dealer.

See, J needed his own illicit therapeutics.

Football's about pain management, which makes DeShauwn indispensable as his dispenser.

You know what I'm saying?

I know what you're saying.

Pretty sure you shouldn't be saying it to a total stranger.

Please, our spirits are kindred as f*ck.

Do you know what kindred is?

Yes.

Okay, then. All right, see, yeah, I got some extra spending money 'cause of my drug dealing business.

But I'm trying to get out of that.

Trying to go legit like you, baby. Yeah.

Hey, quitting selling dr*gs is a smart move, DeShauwn.

We shall see.

Look... you mind if I get heavy with you for a second?

When Cam hit and all the big agency vultures started circling, how'd you keep your boy?

I did my job.

That's it?

That's it.

I feel like I should be paying you or something for dropping all these gems, man. You want some cocaine?

You're too kind, but I'm good, thank you.

Okay.

See, you spin the stack off the fingertips for maximum precipitation.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

Oh, the boys? They in the champagne room getting their dicks sucked. If you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, I know what you're saying because you just said it. And it better not be true.

Look, DeShauwn, every phone in here is one click away from "TMZ."

What? Ain't nobody worried about no trolls.

I'm worried about it. And you should be, too.

Look, man, do what you will with the Black-Man, but as my colleague, don't put my client in harm's way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch it with the flaming arrows, Cochise.

Look, I'm simply driving the wagon train through the prairie.

Look, it'll be fine, all right?

Ain't no snitching types up in this piece.

Look, I get head here weekly.

There's a line, DeShauwn.

And while I'm happy to respect what's on yours, you will respect what's on my side.

It won't happen again.

Thank you.

Man, we have got to do this again.

See? [Laughs]

Reg.

Where's Jupiter?

Beats me, man. It was pitch-black in there.

Oh, no, he'll be through. See, my Jupiter like to get his ass ate after brain.

And they get the dingleberries and everything.

What's a dingleberry?

It's when hair, sh*t, and toilet paper roll up in a little berry and dangles out the cr*ck of your ass.

That's a dingleberry. You ever had one?

Yeah. [Laughs]

Treat yourself.

Yes! Yes! Live, brother, live.

Whoo!

♪ Let's f*ck up some commas, yeah ♪

♪ Let's f*ck up some commas ♪

♪ Let's f*ck up some commas, yeah ♪

I like being a big sibling.

I'm gonna be right by her side walking her through having her baby.

Well, good for you, Mary Charles.

You're making lemons out of lemonade and helping others in the process.

You mean making lemonade out of lemons.

God damn it, you know what I meant.

You're making good sh*t out of bad sh*t.

I agree that what you're doing is admirable.

But how could this Diane woman, who's charged with the welfare of these orphan children, let this happen under her supervision?

She probably ran out of condoms.

She's doing the best she can.

The best she can got a 12-year-old pregnant.

The least she could have done was taken her to a clinic.

Or pushed her down the stairs.

With the girl's consent, of course.

Brittany has a right to have her baby.

She also has a right to not have the baby.

True. Abortion is a child's right to choose whether or not she wants to have a child.

You had me when you were a kid.

15, okay? That's ghetto mid-20s.

She's 12. 12 doesn't even end in "teen."

She's still a child. I don't know, that's kind of tricky.

I mean, if she's able to have a child, you know, maybe that's evolution's way of saying, "Speed sh*t up.

The world's about to end. Can't be waiting till you're 15 anymore."

Who's handling the adoption?

Oh, the poor baby will probably go to an orphanage, and that's if they have a bed available.

Adoption or abortion are not her only two options.

It should have been part of the debate once conception occurred.

It's a child, not a debate.

I guess if it were left up to you two, I'd be in pieces in a medical waste bin somewhere or adopted by white people who think Jesus loves all.

Jesus does love all. He just doesn't show it for sure until you're dead.

Only then do you know and really appreciate it.

Damn, I got to jot that sh*t down.

You know, me and Julius are thinking about doing a podcast.

It's called Things We Think You Should Think, Too.

Brittany's a special kid and I agree that she should keep her baby.

And she should be treated just like any other mother-to-be.

As her big sibling, I'm going to throw her a baby shower.

Where? Chuck E. Cheese?

[Laughs]

I already checked them out. They're booked solid for the next several weekends.

I'm gonna ask Cam if I can have it here.

Put his money to good use.

No problem, boy. Whoop!

Hey, man, you're kind of small for a basketball player, ain't you?

You ain't got to be tall, you just got to be good.

You'll find out on draft day.

Oh, I'm getting drafted.

Getting drafted ain't making it.

Look, hey, I propose a sojourn at the afterhours.

Cam's got practice.

At noon.

Man, it's 1:00 A.M.

The president runs the country on five hours of sleep.

I can run that practice offense on half of that, man.

Where y'all thinkin'?

A little no-name spot up the road.

Me and Cam don't go to no-name spots.

Look, embracing the unknown is what makes life worth living.

Thank you.

And plus there's titties.

Oh, yeah.

And embracing them is good, too.

Come on, man. Back when we had sh*t, we never went to places with names.

Well, now we got sh*t and we keep that sh*t by not going to shitholes that ain't got no names.

Jupiter's going.

Look, I'm not Jupiter's manager, so I can't advise him against doing stupid ass sh*t.

Come on, Reg. It'll be fun, man.

And you know how I feel about titties.

Cam, you just had four hours of titties.

How many more hours of titties you need?

Four more afterhours of titties.

[laughs]

Look, I have supplied you with my advice.

You don't need my permission to flout it.

[sighs]

Fellas, great night, man. We gonna call it.

Aw, come on, man.

And then there was two.

Jupiter: Look, C-dawg, we gonna have to do this again next weekend.

But we got to go twice as big, baby.

Let me give you my number.

sh*t, stripper bounced so hard on my jock, man, she damn near cracked my phone in half.

[laughing] Them b*tches is toned.

Here, I'm gonna give you Reggie's number till I get mine fixed.

Thanks a lot.

Well, look, hey, namaste, b*tches. I'm out.

All right. Jupiter.

To the car.

All right. Hey, I'm gonna see you next weekend, baby.

Be good.

You, too, man.

♪

You really think you're getting in this bed without washing off that stripper stink?

Come on, don't throw stones.

Diamond and Candy are just saving up money for business school.

Yeah, well, come back and spoon me when your spoon doesn't smell like shattered dreams and daddy issues.

Okay. [Groans]

[phone vibrates]

This is Reggie.

Reg, it's Jupiter, man.

I need help.

Where you at, Jupiter?

I'm not sure. It's like trees and leaves and twigs and dirt. Like no roads.

You're in the woods.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jupiter, you high?

As they come.

That sounds like a DeShauwn problem.

Of course it's a DeShauwn problem, man!

DeShauwn's the reason sh*t went sideways at the afterhours and I'm running through the damn woods.

[groans] Okay, drop a pin, text it to me and I'll pick you up.

♪

[sighs]

I will be back.

Jupiter, what kind of sh*t you getting on my wife's leather?

That's sh*t sh*t, I think.

It ain't mine, though, in case you was worried.

Why would someone else's sh*t worry me less than if it was yours?

See, this is why I don't go places ain't got no name.

So mysterious sh*t don't soil my wife's leather.

It's mostly on the towel.

What the f*ck happened back there?

It was DeShauwn. He went all DeShauwn.

DeShauwn went all DeShauwn.

So that's DeShauwn's sh*t?

It's hazy in my memory.

Yeah, you know what?

That's probably for the best. Look, DeShauwn's your boy.

I got nothing but respect for that. So I'm gonna drop you off, I'm gonna go on with the rest of my life, the first step of which will most surely be in the direction of a 24-hour car detailer.

[sighs]

Yo, keep the towel. It's my gift.

I want you to be my manager.

You got a manager.

I got a problem and you know it.

You'd never let Cam go to a place like that.

Please. I can't get rid of DeShauwn on my own.

All right, listen, I'm... I'm...

Yo.

They told me you Ubered.

No, bro, I looked around and you was gone.

That's f*cked up, man.

Hey, yo, hey, real talk?

Thank you, Reggie.

Yeah, happy to help.

Stay safe.

Why didn't you call me?

Man, I did call. You didn't pick up.

I was getting laid. How come you didn't call me back?

You actually smell like butt now.

[sighs] Sorry.

Jupiter Blackmon wants me to be his manager.

Top-ten pick in the NFL draft and he wants me.

DeShauwn's getting fired?

DeShauwned himself right out of a job.

Do you want to manage Jupiter?

Kid needs somebody.

I didn't ask what he needs, I asked what you want.

I want to do right by Cam.

Good night, then.

[yawns] You big p*ssy.

Can you turn the light back on, please?

[groans]

I'm tired.

Don't act like you haven't thought this through.

I want to do right by Cam, I do.

But I also want to build my business.

If I sign Jupiter, I'm not always gonna be there for Cam.

He's my cousin, Missy. He's the reason I have a life.

The reason I have you.

That's not true.

Well, you say that, but it's not a theory I'd like to go back in a time machine to test out.

[sighs]

[sighs] I'm gonna take a shower.

Reggie.

I could start a management company with Cam.

We'd be partners, but he wouldn't actually do anything, right?

The business, me, would essentially manage Cam, Jupiter, and whoever else we happen to sign down the road.

Cam likes money, which he would have more of because he'd get half his commission back and half of everyone else's that we sign.

You ready to take a shower now?

You coming with me?

I'm so tired.

I'll hold you up.

Oh.

You gonna take the bonnet off?

Why?

'Cause it looks like black Jiffy Pop on your head.

I'm gonna pop you in the d*ck.

That's all I'm looking for.

♪

Reggie: What up, fellas? Ha!

[laughs] Got him.

Man! Damn!

This is the weed of champions, trust me.

You know what? No weed for Jupiter.

He's got a piss test for his upcoming pro day.

Cam, I need to talk to you. Business.

You want to talk? Grab that paddle. I'm on a roll.

Jupiter, you know how many refrigerators we got?

What, about three?

Exactly.

And if you knew what was in them, it'd blow your mind. Come follow me.

[laughs]

Follow him. [Laughs]

Let me see the ball.

So, uh, did Jupiter have anything to say about last night?

He said the afterhours was dope.

I was thinking you and me should start a management company.

Rep athletes the same way I rep you.

I mean, you and me, we the example that guys like you and me want to emulate.

So we'll start a business.

So how many additional dudes would we be signing?

Uh, you know, whatever number you're comfortable with minus one.

For cushion. I'm already working Ira, Coke, Bao.

This'll just be another thing that I'm working.

sh*t.

You know, a lot of balls in the air makes it a lot easier to take our eye off the ball we're in control of... us.

Jay Z's repping baseball players, okay?

The money's out there to be taken, you just got to say yes to taking our part.

So what I got to do for all this money?

You go to the mailbox, open, smile, repeat.

Direct deposit's a lot easier.

So you saying yes?

Sure, I guess.

Ooh, yes! [Laughs]

And thank you.

Now here's the really good news.

Yeah?

Jupiter wants to be our first client.

He didn't say sh*t to me.

He sprung it on me last night.

You know? That's opportunity. And when that comes along, you can either kick it away or scoop it up.

I mean, he's primed to go top ten.

That's a real money contract. Even if he flames out, we will have announced our presence.

We'll be viable.

Serve the ball.

So we gonna do it? 'Cause I got to tell Jupiter.

And then tomorrow, me and him, we got to fire DeShauwn.

Isn't DeShauwn like the you to Jupiter's me?

No, Jupiter ain't you, DeShauwn ain't me.

Which is why Jupiter want to be with us.

Serve.

Ooh!

I believe the phrase is "got him."

[laughs] Nice point, man.

Look, let's finish this later, man. I'm 'bout to hit the bike.

All right?

Yup.

♪
♪ I'm living it up ♪
♪ Yeah, all the way up ♪
♪ Now raise up your drinks, girls ♪
♪ Don't tell me to calm down... ♪

[whickers]

So have you picked a name?

If it's a boy, Canoe.

If it's a girl, Sparkle.

And if it's both, Larry after my aunt.

Brittany, has anyone talked to you about the work that's involved with being a mother?

No, but I'm about to find out.

Well, you do have options.

What are you doing?

I am just telling Brittany here that she has her whole life ahead of her.

Brittany, ask her how many babies she has.

How many babies...

Then ask her if she knows sh*t about what she's talking about or if she's just doing what she does best... judging.

Do you know sh*t about what you're talking ab...

She needs to hear from somebody besides you, Mary Charles.

Unless you think climbing out of poverty is easier when you're holding a baby.

Hey, Brittany, why don't you go over there and check out the lady on stilts?

I think she's doing some tricks.

Yeah, okay.

You think I should have been aborted, don't you?

How do you get that? I'm not saying that at all.

Or adopted.

She is she, you are you.

And I am who I am because I am in this family with my ma, my real ma who didn't give me away or vacuumed me out and had me shipped off to an abortion furnace.

I'm gonna tell you something that you don't hear nearly enough.

It's not about you.

Her story is my ma's story. That baby is me.

She is a 12-year-old child, Mary Charles...

I understand that...

... that was never given any other options.

Oh, gosh.

Brittany.

Brittany, this is not safe. Then why is it here?

It's not safe for pregnant women.

I'm a kid. I don't see a sign that says pregnant kids can't jump in here.

That is because we did not need a sign like that before today.

Well, whatever happens was meant to happen because the baby is already on its way.

Okay, your water has to break first.

Again? That was this morning.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want you to cancel the party.

Okay, come on... good, okay. Come... come on out of there.

Let's go.

Fine, fine.

Come on, sweetie.

♪ That's right, a-boom a-chick a-rock ♪
♪ A-chick a-rock a-chick a-boom, that's right ♪

Matthew, Keith, why don't you two go out and play?

Ling-Tsu, congratulations.

[sighs]

♪

Oh, is this some type of playdate? This don't look good.

All in how you choose to view it.

Now, some people'd look at this and say that you're about to get fired.

While others would say you're about to get 4% of Jupiter's first contract and 2% of his second for doing absolutely nothing from this day forward all in consideration of services rendered.

And who the f*ck do you think you are?

Now, some people would be angered by this.

Others would say it is a generous offer because they'd understand the obvious alternative.

And some people would say that you're risking getting a screwdriver shoved between your fifth and sixth rib.

And some people would make amusing and empty threats.

Well, how about I use a hammer to drive my point home?

Come here.

What's wrong with you, man?

Look, do you really think you can step inside my Guccis, huh?

I've known this boy since before he had pubes.

Look, I bought him his first piece of ass.

And that ass was my sister's.

Man, I paid you back for that.

Jupiter, shut up!

Hey, hey, hey, fellas.

This can be good for everybody, okay?

Jupiter can relax and thrive.

You can thrive and relax.

See, you think you above everybody.

Profiteering off a betrayal of love.

See, the truth is, you puppeteer Cam like a child.

You got your hand all up his ass and he kind of like it.

sh*t, you like it, too.

Offer's on the table for another 60 seconds.

Don't tick-tock me, m*therf*cker.

Look, I will embarrass you right here and right now.

6% first contract, 5% second.

Four and two. And the first sideways tweet, leaked photo or sour grapes we hear through the grapevine, zero and zero.

[sighs]

You know what? DeShauwn know how this works.

See, one day you're gonna step into an office, Reggie, and Cam is gonna be with a new Reggie.

And the new Reggie's gonna do what Reggie's doing to DeShauwn right now.

Well, when that day comes, Reggie will remind Reggie you said that.

Draw up the paperwork.

Gentlemen, go f*ck yourselves.

[exhales]

You did the right thing.

Doing the right thing ain't always easy.

Thank you.

I paid him back for his sister.

I did.

She was fine when she was 14.

22, mmm, not so good.

♪

37 points, six rebounds, nine assists.

On fire and back in the saddle. What do you have to say?

Going home to watch SportsCenter.

[Laughs]

Do you feel like the fans were behind you tonight?

Atlanta's a great town. Great fans.

I plan on being here for a long time.

You know, my family, my great new friends, sharing our ups and downs.

Nights like this we dream about.

♪

[phone chimes]

♪ Had hit records on my demo ♪
♪ Did y'all boys not get the memo? ♪
♪ I do not stay at the Intercontinental ♪
♪ And anything I got is not a rental ♪
♪ I own that m*therf*cker ♪
♪ Figured out this sh*t is simple ♪
♪ My stock been goin' up like a crescendo ♪
♪ This a "f*ck-them-boys, forever-hold-a-grudge" song ♪
♪ "Pop-some-f*ckin'-champagne- in-the-tub" song ♪
♪ n*gga, "just-because" song, damn ♪
♪ What's the move? Can I tell the truth? ♪
♪ If I was doin' this for you then I'd have nothin' left to prove ♪
♪ Nah, this for me, though ♪
♪ I'm just tryin'a stay alive and take care of my people ♪
♪ And they don't have no award for that ♪
♪ Trophies, trophies ♪
♪ And they don't have no award for that ♪
♪ sh*t don't come with trophies, ain't no envelopes to open ♪
♪ I just do it 'cause I'm supposed to, n*gga ♪