01x01 - Pig Girls Don't Cry (Pilot)

[bunniefuu]

There are a lot of challenges being the executive producer of a show starring your ex.

One of the biggest? This is where I park.

Every day.

[Car alarm chirps]

[Sighs]

♪

[Ding!]

♪ Ooh! ♪

Yeah.

♪ Unh! ♪

Hmm. Time to get things started.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey, uh, Pepe.

Hmm?

How was your cousin's wedding?

Ah, her dress was "eh."

But, you know, there's not many options when you're pregnant with, like, 4,000 babies.

Yeah.

Um, morning, everyone. Sorry I'm late.

[Conversations continue]

Uh, uh, guys?

Uh, everybody!

Hello? [Clears throat]

Uh, everybody, could I...

Could I get your attention? We need to get started.

Hello? Hello!

Excuse me, Mr. Kermit?

Yes?

Allow me.

Okay.

[Electricity crackling]

[Screaming]

[All gasp]

[Screaming]

Is that safe?

[Gasps]

[Thud!]

Of course. [Blows]

I'm wearing protective gloves.

Oh. [Clears throat]

Uh, okay.

Uh, well, uh, uh, good morning, everybody.

Together: Good morning. Kermit.

Yeah, I-I'd like to talk about last night's show.

Uh, let's start with the band.

Uh, when Piggy starts interviewing the guests, that is your cue to stop playing.

Ahh! Did not know that.

Uh, perhaps we should dismystify any further misconfusion with a daily confabulation-type meeting.

Uh, well, we have meetings every morning. You're in one right now.

Huh? This is a meeting?

Oh. [Clears throat]

I'm Zoot.

Oh!

And I'm... huh?

D...

Different meeting!

Oh.

Uh, moving on. Uh, Bobo.

Yes, sir?

Listen, next time we do a sketch where Piggy flies across the stage...

Mm-hmm.

I think we should choose a wire that actually supports her weight.

Huh.

Should have worked.

It was a cable from a wrecking ball.

Hmm.

Fozzie: I've got a question.

I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents after work tonight.

Should I bring a bottle of champagne?

What does that have to do with the show?

You're right.

Yeah.

Here's a show-related question.

There's a bottle of champagne in our kitchen. Is that anybody's?

Okay, does anybody got anything else?

I have a broadcast standards note.

Okay.

The following inappropriate words need to be deleted from tonight's script.

Mm-hmm.

"Crotchety."

"Twiddle."

And "gesticulate."

Gesticulate? Well, that...

That just means to move your hands.

Which leads to shaking hands, which is the first step in making babies.

Not on my watch!

Okay, got it. Oh, oh, and one more thing, everybody.

Uh, the crew that's sh**ting our behind-the-scenes documentary has asked us to be more available for those one-on-one interviews.

Is that okay with everybody? Yeah?

Rizzo: Sure. Sure, yeah. Yeah.

Fine, fine.

One-on-one interviews? What an overused device.

You tell the camera how you really feel, and then they cut back to you saying something completely different.

I hate these interviews.

I love those interviews. Great device.

Mm. Well, good.

Hey, there! And welcome to "Up Late with Miss Piggy"!

[Applause]

Yeah, whatever.

Yeah.

Huh.

I know what some of you are thinking...

"is that miss Piggy?

Did she miss her waxing appointment?"

Ahh! [Chuckles]

Ah, just kidding. I'm Fozzie Bear.

And it's my job to warm up the audience with jokes.

Ahh!

Oh, god, we're gonna die of hypothermia.

I hope it comes quick.

[Both laugh]

Man: Miss Piggy, two minutes.

And you're all done.

[Sighs]

Oh, great.

I look like a half-naked Hawaiian just dug me up at a luau. Thanks a lot! Ugh!

Well, he strikes me as a caffeine guy but, you know, just get the decaf.

Kermit!

Okay. Yeah.

Uh-oh. It's too late for me.

Save yourself.

Gotcha.

Kermit! Kermit!

Get away! Get away!

So annoying.

You're lucky your father's my dry-cleaner.

Uh, yes, Piggy?

Just a couple of little things.

Okay.

Walk with me.

Uh... uh, sure. Yeah, yeah.

I'm not happy with the janitor knowing what I throw away.

Mm-hmm.

Can you have someone put a layer of generic trash over my private trash?

Mm-hmm. Okay. Generic trash.

And the lilacs in my dressing room...

Yeah, yeah.

Don't smell lilac-y enough.

Uh, talk to god about lilacs.

Oh, and I noticed on tomorrow's rundown that Elizabeth Banks is my first guest.

Yes.

Lose her.

Oh, wait.

Piggy, Piggy, Elizabeth Banks is a really big star.

Hmm... That is true.

You know what? Lose her!

But... but... but I, uh, can't... Yo...

[sighs] Ohh.

[Sighs]

So, how did that go for you? Okay, then?

Oh.

You know, when Piggy and I were a couple, I found her unpredictable and spontaneous and quirky.

You know? It was kind of sexy.

But if you take dating out of the equation, she's just a lunatic.

Ahh! [Laughs]

Yea... oh, I'm getting this signal from Bobo, our stage manager, which means "wrap it up!"

Either that or I'm about to be blown away by a tornado.

Ahh!

[Laughs] Ugh, every night he tells that same joke.

And every night I pray for the tornado.

[Both laugh]

Live from the City of Angels, it's "Up Late with Miss Piggy."

[Cheers and applause]

Featuring Electric Mayhem!

Dr. Teeth and the...!

Electric Mayhem.

Piggy. Piggy, listen to me.

I-I will cover your garbage with garbage, but if you want me to cancel Elizabeth Banks, then...

Then you better have a good reason.

I have an excellent reason. I hate her stupid face.

That is not an excellent reason! That's a preschool reason!

Shh!

And now here's...

Mi-i-i-i-i-ss Piggy!

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you! Thank you! I know.

I love me just as much as you do.

[Laughs]

[Laughter]

Oh. I'm so glad you're here tonight.

We've got a great show for you. Yeah, yeah.

Who do we have on? Oh, who cares?

My life is a bacon-wrapped hell on earth.

Can't say "hell."

[Sighs]

Well, thanks for doing the show tomorrow on such short notice, Tom.

You know, we had guest fall out, and... a-and I know how busy you are with "Dancing with the Stars."

Hey, it's no big deal. We're on the same lot.

Should I tell the story about the time I grew a mustache and some guy thought I was Tom Selleck?

And then what happened?

That's it. I... I looked like Tom Selleck.

Oh. Uh, well, yeah, yeah, it's, uh... I...

Well, I just thought it was gonna take a turn or something.

No, that... that's fine. That's fine.

Oh, good. [Chuckles]

Uh, s-see you tomorrow night, Tom.

Yeah. All right. Thanks, Kermit.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

[Sighs] Scooter!

Scooter: Hmm?

You walk into a stage full of dancing stars and you bring back Tom Bergeron?

I'm not on the elevator yet.

[Gulps] Uh...

[Chuckles] Sorry about that, Tom.

No problem. I'll still do it. [Chuckles]

Yeah... [Sighs]

I really want to make a good impression on Becky's parents.

She's the first girl I've dated in a long time.

When your online profile says "passionate bear looking for love," you get a lot of wrong responses.

Uh, not "wrong." Uh, just wrong for me.

[Sighs]

Carl: Okay, I'm just gonna be honest.

I don't see how it's ever gonna work out with you and a...

You can say it, dad. He's a bear.

Yeah.

Fozzie: Yeah.

This salmon is just terrific.

Oh.

Likes the salmon. What a surprise.

I'm so glad you like it.

Do you know, if I had known, I would have kept some raw for you.

Mom!

Well, they do catch them in rivers.

Actually, I usually get mine at Costco.

Oh! Oh, okay.

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

All right, I'm just gonna be blunt.

What if you had children? How would you raise them?

Where would they go to the bathroom, in the woods?

[Fork clangs]

Okay, that is an offensive stereotype!

Uh... Is that white wine in the dill sauce? 'Cause wow! Heh.

Okay, here's the bit for Tom Bergeron.

Mm.

I'm Tom Bergeron.

Uh, Kim, could you hit play?

[Russian music plays]

Hello, I'm Tom Bergeron, and welcome to "Dancing with the Czars."

Tonight we've got Catherine the great... Dancer.

Hello!

And her partner Ivan the terrible... Dancer.

Hmm!

And tonight's dance is the foxtrot!

- Whoa!

Take it away, amigos!

[Humming]

Hey! Hey! Hey!

[Vocalizing]

No, no, no, no. Uh... uh, Kim, stop the... Kim.

Kim, Kim, Kim! Uh, stop it.

Pepe: Hey! Stop the music.

[Vocalizing]

So, you have any notes?

Yeah, notes.

I hate everything about it.

You hear that? Only one note.

[Sighs]

[Southern accent] Hey, sweetie.

I got you a little Italian. His name's Giuseppe.

Ba-dum-cha! uh, you know, honey, you don't have to make jokes every time you're in the writer's room.

God knows these guys don't.

Oh, boy. He did not like your dancing sketch.

Bye.

[Sighs]

Denise? Uh, well, we, uh...

W-we started dating a couple months ago.

Uh, she runs marketing for the network, and... and... and we were at a cross-promotional synergy meeting and we ended up, uh... Uh...

Cross-promoting, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, what can I say? Uh, I'm attracted to pigs.

Hmm.

Look, I know Fozzie and I are gonna face challenges, but he's worth it.

He's funny. He's successful. He's obviously very handsome.

[Giggles]

Aww.

Do you know Fozzie's one of the stars of "Up Late with Miss Piggy"?

Oh, I adore Miss Piggy. She is so strong.

You know, she makes me feel like I could have done anything.

If I could go back and make... Different choices...

Hmm.

S... so, how would you like to meet her?

I... I'd love it! [Chuckles]

Well, let me go make a phone call.

[Giggling]

Phone call, right.

He's probably gonna go root through our garbage.

Carl.

[Straining]

And... I'm done. [Clang!]

You have 30 left.

[Groans] Fine.

Build me up, Tracy Anderson, so I can k*ll you!

[Cellphone rings]

[Grunts]

[Beep]

Go for Piggy.

Oh, hey, Piggy.

Remember how I told you I was gonna meet my girlfriend's parents tonight?

Is this the guy in the hat?

Yeah, that's me. Look, I want to bring them to rehearsal so they can meet you.

Is that okay?

Fine. Whatever.

But no touching and no eye contact.

I'll tell them.

That was for you.

Uh, uh... How was your bolognese?

You tell me. You ate it.

I'm sorry. [Sighs]

W-when I'm under pressure, I stress-eat.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

Why would she cancel Elizabeth Banks?

Well, they do have a history.

[Clicking]

Hmm.

Piggy: Can you move that? They need to see my face.

Man: Tion.

[As Effie Trinket] The time has come to select this district's tribute to The Hunger Games.

Oh! Pick me! Pick me! I'm hungry!

[Normal voice] No, no. You don't...

Well, no, you don't want to be picked. You could die.

Well, I'm dying of hunger, and these are The Hunger Games.

[Sighs]

Okay, you're just saying the words "hunger" and "games." [Chuckles]

Did you even read the script?

What's to read? "Hunger Games." It's all in the title.

[Sniffs]

Okay, I'm already in the movie, right? I can... I can go?

That's why Elizabeth Banks is down the drain?

Yeah.

But that's ridiculous! Forget it. She's back.

Oh!

I run the show, and I make the decisions.

I like this Kermit.

Mm.

Come here, you decisive little frog, you, and tell Denise what you want.

I'll tell you what I want.

I want you to get me a brownie sundae. I'm too full to move.

Aww.

[Sighs]

Okay, and then after the monologue, we go to the desk for "What's in Piggy's Purse?"

[All murmur]

And listen, everybody, if it's a small critter again, let's try to remember the air holes this time.

Yeah, yeah.

Aw, life is so fragile, ain't it?

Hold me.

Are you using a tragedy to pick me up?

I am if it's working. [Laughs]

Uh, so after the desk bit, we bring out Piggy's first guest, Elizabeth Banks.

Whoa. No, w-wait a second. I thought Piggy hates Elizabeth Banks and we're gonna go with Tom Bergeron?

Well, we're not.

[All gasp]

We are going with Elizabeth Banks, and Piggy is not going to say a word about it.

Are you crazy? When she finds out, she's gonna tear you apart.

Sí, and she's strong.

I once saw her lift up a piano to get to a half-eaten moonpie.

Yeah, well, I'm not worried, because Piggy's not going to find out she's here until she walks out on this stage and there's nothing she can do about it.

Animal think frog plan dicey.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Animal got better idea?

Hmm?

Hey, everyone.

[Gasps] No! Uh...

I... I mean, uh... I... I mean, uh, hey.

Uh, heh, uh, w... what are you doing here so early?

[Speaks gibberish]

Oh, uh...

Well, I just came to hang out with Piggy a little.

Oh! Uh, well, that's... Th-th-that's good.

Great. I mean, uh, wonderful. Uh, Scooter?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm-hmm.

[Clears throat]

Well, you know, Kermit and I have known each other for so long, he can just give me a subtle look and I know that's my cue...

To go ask him what the look means.

Okay, so, this complementary tour will only keep you away from the stage for maybe three hours.

Four tops.

So, uh, over here is what we in the biz call a sound stage.

Yes, I know what a sound stage is.

[Chuckling] I'm in the movie business.

Oh, really? I did not know that.

Uh, what exactly do you do?

I'm an actor.

Huh!

Then act like you're interested in the tour that somebody's taking time away from his day to give you.

Look, dude, I don't know what your deal is...

Maybe you're grumpy your spray tan's too orange, but you are taking me back right now!

Uh, no. No. Uh, I don't think so.

Yes. Yes, you are.

Oh, look, there's the bench where Tom Hanks...

Okay, give me the wheel.

No! No! I'm driv... give me the wheel!

Get out! I'm driving!

[Screams, grunting]

Aah.

[Sighs]

I mean, what is going on?

Wandering around.

[Grunts] I'm back!

No!

Give me the wheel!

I don't want this tour anymore!

Well, we haven't seen the "Mary Poppins" stage!

Oof! Aah! [Grunting]

[Sighs]

Hey. 1, 1...

So, uh, you know these guys, huh?

Oh, yeah!

You know the original name of the band was Imagine Dragons?

Huh.

That is their name.

I know. They kept it.

And over here, this is my podium where I stand during the show.

Hey, Carl, wh-why don't you come over here and stand behind it, huh?

Yeah. This is where the magic happens.

It was about to until you showed up.

Cool your jets. Let's see how dinner goes.

[Giggles]

Ooh.

[Stammers] Actually, uh, never mind.

You've seen on podium, you've seen them all.

Come over here. I'll show you a desk.

Reynolds: Animal.

Animal: Huh?

You ever want to join us on the road, there's always an open bunk for you, man.

No, no, no!

Oh. Yeah!

Life on the road's no good for animal.

Yeah.

Too many women. Too many towns.

And then that's, uh... That's the end of segment two.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And, uh, oh!

Oh, and this... this is Imagine Dragons.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Dragons!

Mm.

Big fan since they booked you.

If you need anything, just ask.

Oh.

Someone else.

Hmm.

Piggy, I want you to meet my girlfriend's parents.

Banks: Hey, Kermit.

No!

I want this on the record.

Whatever your "talent coordinator" tells you, he hit me first.

What is she doing here?!

Well, I... really, Kermit?!

No, it's... it's... it's a long story. You see, I-I...

So, this is Holly and her husband Carl.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, nobody cares about you, you worthless piece of fur!

[Gulps] Piggy?

Uh... E-excuse me, folks. Oh. [Gulps]

[Chuckles nervously]

That was an inside Hollywood joke.

We all say that to each other. Here, watch.

Hey, hey, hey, nobody cares about you, you worthless piece of fur.

[Grunts]

Whoa!

Oh!

[Hiccups]

[Sighs] Okay, Piggy, look.

Maybe I didn't handle this the best way...

Ha!

But I can't understand wh...

Ha!

Why you'd want to screw up the show just because...

What, no "ha"?

No ha.

Okay. Just because you have a...

H-a-a-a-a!

Just because you had an embarrassing screen test with her.

It had nothing to do with that screen test!

It was about her film "Pitch Perfect 2," you insensitive toad!

Hmm...

[Gasps]

Oh...

[Sighs]

Aah! Skin, skin, skin, skin!

Oh.

Ow! Aah! Ow!

Aah! Aah!

How could I have forgotten what happened?

I mean, it was all over the Internet.

Kermit: Well, you know, I-I love our fans, but it's just unnecessary, Piggy.

I can't believe that you are this upset just because I take a couple of selfies with fans.

Oh, a couple of selfies?

We missed the entire movie because you have to take a selfie with everybody who asks.

That is so not true.

It is true.

You...

[Camera shutter clicks]

They didn't even ask!

I knew what they were thinking.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, what... what they're thinking?

I knew what they want?

Piggy, when we're out together, couldn't you just be my girlfriend instead of being, you know, Miss Piggy?

Oh, please. Do we have to have this argument again?

Can't we just skip to the part where you admit you were wrong and buy me a bracelet?

[Sighs]

Piggy, I... I... I can't do this anymore.

[Scoffs] What are you saying? You want to break up?!

Feels like we just did.

Over this?!

No.

Over everything.

[Sighs]

Wha...

Kermit.

[Gasping]

[Sighs]

I really am an insensitive toad.

It's all complementary. You take anything you want.

We've got pretzels filled with peanut butter, pretzels filled with... Pretzel.

We'll be in the car.

Yeah.

[Stammers]

Ohh, I think they hate me.

Aww, honey. They do.

Ohh!

You know, I thought maybe they'd come around, but you know what?

We don't need their approval.

The only thing that matters is how I feel about you.

And... I love you.

[Sighs]

Yeah, that's not enough.

Hey, Carl, you like a mug?

Yeah, I feel bad about Fozzie.

But my father used to call me a worthless piece of fur, and let me tell you what I did to that mor... hey, where you going?

[Sighs]

Piggy?

Piggy: Leave me alone!

Uh, I-I came to apologize.

[Sweetly] Come in.

[Clears throat] Uh...

Listen, Piggy, I-I'm so sorry I forgot.

How could you?

Elizabeth Banks was the wallpaper on one of the worst days of our lives!

I-I know. I know. I... [Sighs]

I guess I just try not to think about it.

You know, us working together isn't the easiest thing.

[Scoffs] Maybe for you. It's never affected me professionally.

[Sighs] R-right.

Uh, well, look, uh, from now on, let's just be honest with each other, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

I don't know what you see in your girlfriend, and you're getting a little tummy.

What? I...

Oh... Oh!

I mean, uh [Clears throat] I-if I...

If I stand up straight, it, uh, goes away, doesn't it?

Uh...

Oh, no. It doesn't.

Hmm.

[Up-tempo music playing]

[Cheers and applause]

[Music ends]

And we're back with the very fit and almost too beautiful Elizabeth Banks.

[Both giggle]

You look terrific.

Thank you. You're so sweet. You know, I hike a lot.

Mm-hmm.

Oh. Oh, me too.

Yeah, yeah. Sure.

I've had this hiked and these hiked.

[Laughter]

I'm getting this thing hiked over hiatus.

[Laughs]

You must have a long hiatus coming up.

Oh!

[Laughter]

Uh... A-ha ha...

Eh...

Oh, uh, Scooter.

Yeah?

Uh, uh, did anyone let Tom Bergeron know he's been bumped from the show?

No. But he figured it out.

Uh...

Oh...

Uh...

Oh, boy. Ooh. I feel terrible.

You know what?

I'll send him a gift basket with extra-fancy salami.

Hmm. Oh, uh, Scooter.

Yeah?

Regular salami is fine.

Gotcha.

Yeah.

♪ All I look for was washed away by a wave ♪
♪ A wave, a wave whoa-oh, whoa-oh ♪
♪ I'm going back to my roots ♪
♪ another day, another door ♪
♪ another high, another low ♪
♪ Rock bottom, rock bottom oh, oh ♪
♪ rock bottom ♪
♪ I'm going back to my roots ♪

Oh! Ow!

♪ Another day ♪
♪ another door ♪
♪ another high, another low ♪
♪ Rock bottom oh, oh ♪
♪ I'm going back to my roots ♪
♪ another day, another door ♪

No! He's gone!

Oh, well.

Well, looks like that drum is the way out of here!

Let's make a break for it!

[Both laugh]

♪ I'm going back to my roots ♪