01x04 - The Eye Doesn't Lie

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Documentary Now!". Aired: August 2015 to present.*
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"Documentary Now!" spoofs celebrated documentary films by parodying the style of each documentary with a similar, but fictitious, subject.
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01x04 - The Eye Doesn't Lie

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[lively instrumental music]

♪ ♪

Good evening.

I'm helen mirren, And you're watching documentary now! Season 50.

There is perhaps no stronger evidence Of the power of documentary Than the film that exonerates an innocent man.

That was what the director of the eye doesn't lie Set out to do in 1985.

Enjoy.

[somber orchestral music]

♪ ♪

lentile: so I was driving from, uh, beaumont, texas, uh, To santa fe, new mexico.

I go to the santa fe jazz guitar festival.

On November 29, uh, I s--

Saw a hitchhiker, you know.

He looked like he was down on his luck, And I could use the company, And I thought, "well, you know, I'm gonna help this guy out."

♪ ♪

I was, uh, hitchhiking along route 281 in san antonio, Because, uh, seemed like a nice thing to do at the time, And, uh...

Must have been about 8:00, thereabouts, About--just getting dark.

Anyway, this dude pulls over, and, uh, says, "get in."

♪ ♪

lentile: he gets in.

And he sits down, and he says, "hi, my name's robbie."

I introduced myself, and he seemed like a nice enough guy.

He's one of those real, you know, real guy-guys.

You know what I mean?

Those guys who just really--

They' real, you know... Real guys, you know.

♪ ♪

wheadlan: I got in the car, and the first thing I notice is It's very clean, And he had a shirt on, the kind of shirt you buy on vacation.

I think it said, "resort."

He was wearing a, uh-- a braided belt, And, uh...

Didn't take me long to notice That this was not my kind of guy.

And, uh, that man was-- was don lentile.

You know, they have this saying that, uh, bad things happen To good people, and, you know, if that's true, I must be some kind of a saint.

You know?

♪ ♪

[music fades]

[sirens blaring]

[somber music]

♪ ♪

[click echoes]

[click echoes]

♪ ♪

[engine revving]

[air rushing]

♪ ♪

lentile: so I'm eating a grand slam breakfast, Which was, uh, undercooked, And I was so mad about that, so, you know, I--

I took out a napkin, I borrowed a pen from the waitress, And I said, "I'm gonna write a note to the manager," and I did.

I said, you know, "you got--

"you got to cook everything through, You know, especially when you order it that way."

And, uh...

I look over and all of a sudden These two policemen walk in, And they come up to my table.

And they say, "come with us."

♪ ♪

We go all the way to this, uh, interrogation room.

And this cop puts this confession in front of me And it says that I k*lled a man.

And why would I sign something like this, you know?

And he says, "you're gonna sign it."

And I said, "I'm not gonna sign anything without my realtor Looking it over first."

And he says, "you're gonna sign it Or you're never gonna see your wife again."

I said, "guess what.

I'm happily divorced for 11 years."

He says, "guess what then.

You're never gonna see your kids again."

I said, "I don't have any kids.

You know, something's wrong with my ex-wife's uterus."

I don't want to go into it in detail, But her ovaries kind of recoil back like a vacuum cleaner cord.

But to respect her privacy, you know, for this, I'll just...

Tell you about the rest of the story.

So, you know, this cop puts a g*n on the table, And he says, "pick that g*n up."

So I said, "all right. You know. You're apparently the boss here."

And I pick it up, and he said, "you just pulled a g*n on a cop."

I said, "what?

You just told me to do it!"

[g*n clicks]

You know, this cop pulls a g*n on me, And he says, "you know, you better sign the statement."

I said, "buddy, that's the exact wrong way to deal with me."

I mean, the idea that I would do something like this is...

Is crazy.

John patrick winslow, A carwash sign-spinner At the corner of 31st and alamo, Was working one evening.

Now, this young man was very popular Due to his special style where he would spin the sign And ride the sign like a rocket.

At about 9:13 that evening, A car approached the young man.

The driver proceeded to fire a .357 caliber p*stol At mr. Winslow.

At the same time, a creamsicle truck pulled up 100 yards up the street.

A policeman, or should I say a policewoman--

Because she was a woman--

Heard the sh*ts and went after the gunman's car.

She fired six times...

Hit nothing but the inflatable carwash blow-up...

Thingy.

♪ ♪

Officer barnsby, the woman, Managed to see the car was a blue four-door But was unable to recall the license plate.

She then proceeded to check on mr. Winslow, Who by that time had d*ed.

man: robbie wheels wheadlan was a local kid Who had a knack for getting in trouble with the law.

We'd picked up robbie in connection with a robbery.

A man robbie's height, wearing a mask, Had robbed a convenience store of its scratch-off tickets.

And 30 minutes later, Robbie entered the store with the tickets, Complaining that there wasn't a winner in the bunch.

These sort of misunderstandings Were happening with robbie all the time, But we knew he was a good kid.

Everybody liked him.

Every cop in town knew robbie wheadlan.

He was always out raising cain and causing trouble, Cutting class and sh**ting off bottle rockets.

man: robbie had a way of knowing about other criminal goings-on, So I said, "if you have anything about this carwash sh**ting, Now would be the time to use it."

And he said, "I'll only tell you if you wear a sign That says 'kid sister.'"

So I make a sign, and I put it around my neck, And I say, "tell me what happened."

And he says, "who's asking?"

So I know what to do.

I said, "why, kid sister wants to know what happened."

And I'm doing the act-out, and he starts laughing, And I start laughing.

I mean, you wouldn't think It was a m*rder investigation.

I mean, we were having as much fun as thanksgiving.

I said, "why don't you tell me what you know About that night in san antonio."

And he handed me a piece of paper That said, "don lentile."

♪ ♪

wheadlan: I was hitchhiking through san antonio, So we start driving, and by now it must have been about 8:15.

You know, he starts talking about jazz and gypsy jazz And all this... Stuff.

I don't know if you guys are all interested in jazz guitar, But it's very, very beautiful.

It's--it's, you know, very beautiful chords And arpeggios.

So I put on my poison tape, swallow this live, And I put it on my favorite track, Which is track one, intro.

And, uh, he didn't like that, and he turned it off.

I made him pop out the cassette And put it back in his case, close the case, And put it back in his pocket.

And I said right there, I said, "if I ever get a chance to screw this man over, I will do it in a hot texas minute."

You do not mess with my music.

Especially my poison.

Not cool.

I want some action tonight--

He wasn't into that.

I think he thought I didn't get what that meant.

I said--I said, "I know what that means."

You know?

And we're driving along, We kind of went by this carwash, you know, And I see this guy; He's spinning around one of them signs.

And robbie, the passenger, says, "that guy sucks."

I'm using his language.

"someone should sh**t that dude."

I said, "you obviously have a lot of issues."

[chuckles]

He asked me to pitch in for gas, And I said, "well, I don't have any money; That's why I'm hitchhiking."

So he wrote his name and number and address on a piece of paper, And he said, "be a friend; do the right thing."

And I said, "all right."

And that's the last I saw the dude.
[sign buzzing]

lentile: anyway, I go to a motel in san antonio Where my brother was waiting.

I know it's 9:00 p.M. Because, um, I had to shush my brother so we could watch mama's family.

That's the one where the son wants to start the dry cleaner.

[tv set humming]

[dramatic music]

As a homicide detective, I consider myself an excellent judge of character.

I did not like don, Right away.

When I asked him about the k*lling, He showed no remorse.

They kept saying to me, "don't you have any remorse?"

I said, "no!"

When you're interrogating a m*rder suspect, You try to break them with no sleep, With no food, But don, he just had trail mix, like, in every pocket.

You'd think he was out of trail mix, And then suddenly he'd be eating more trail mix.

And this wasn't even that fun trail mix With the pretzels and the m&ms.

This was that real dry raisiny trail mix.

man: I'm ashamed to say, but I pulled my g*n on him at one point, Said, "stop eating that trail mix."

♪ ♪

man: even with robbie's testimony, We had problems building our case.

First off, roberta barnsby Still couldn't remember anything about the car.

The only thing she remembered Was sh**ting the inflatable thingy And dropping the creamsicle.

♪ ♪

man: maybe officer barnsby had creamsicle on her g*n.

[g*nshots]

And maybe that means she stopped To have a creamsicle after she heard sh*ts fired.

And, yes, maybe that makes her a bad police officer.

But, I mean...

Just look at don lentile.

lentile: I told a q-tip joke.

I said, uh, "does anyone have any q-tips?

Because I can't believe what I'm hearing."

[exhales sharply]

man: you know, don wouldn't talk, And it was a total dead end.

And then a month after the sh**ting, We got lucky.

♪ ♪

man: now, I was closing up the pawn shop that night, Listening to a johnny mathis record.

Now, it was a few minutes after 9:00 p.M.

When I heard what sounded like a--a pop-pop-pop!

[g*nshots]

And I thought, "uh-oh.

"maybe there's some kids outside Playing with firecrackers."

And then I thought, "wait, this isn't a time of year For firecrackers."

So I thought maybe some popcorn got popped, But, you know, none of my neighbors like popcorn, So then I thought, "maybe it's part of this johnny mathis track."

So I took the lp and looked at the liner notes, And there was nothing about no pop sounds on that lp.

So I figured, you know, I better see what's going on.

I--I looked out the pawn shop window, And in between the guitar and the--and the toaster, I could see that sign-spinner lying on the ground And then a car right next to him with a g*n sticking out.

Now, I remember making a mental note of that, Because I distinctly saw the back of that car, A gray ford jabroni and a license plate that said "I heart puss."

The pawn shop owner said he saw a gray ford jabroni Speed away after he heard the sh*ts.

Now, of course, he was mistaken, Because don lentile doesn't drive a gray ford jabroni.

Don drove a beige chevy boca raton.

Fun fact: Robbie wheadlan Actually did have a ford jabroni.

But anyway...

"I heart puss" was robbie's plate, But it got us thinking, Why not ask if don's plates rang a bell?

It's perfectly reasonable that one could confuse Don's license plate "!Jazz!"

With robbie's license plate "I heart puss."

Eye witness is your best witness, Because the eyes don't lie.

Memory knows what it saw, And if your memory's confused, Then we can give it a little nudge.

We said, "look, why don't you take a minute And ask yourself: Is it possible I saw a chevy boca raton?"

And he said, "it's technically possible,"

And I thought we got him.

We got don lentile.

I was so happy.

I called him some other detectives, And we picked up robbie wheadlan, And the group of us got drunker than a monkey's ass.

We had enough to indict.

You know, looking back, maybe I changed my story a bit Or--or maybe I said What I thought the police wanted to hear, But, you know, I'ma--I'ma let the police sort that out.

You know, that's...

That's none of my business.

But I was just glad I could help out.

[lively music]

man: jeffrey ray dupree was known for his ability To get a conviction.

He was, uh, especially eager to try this case, Because he made a bet with a rival prosecutor About who could get the most death penalties that year.

Dupree was something to see.

In his opening statement, He laid out how don was driven to k*ll After a terrible divorce.

Uh, me and my ex-wife, we're actually very good friends.

It was a very, uh, amicable divorce.

I would describe it as immediately amicable.

woman: my father, earl yoder, Was one of texas's best defense attorneys In the $200-$300 range.

He passed away a few years ago, But I was there for all of the trial, And there were many holes in the case.

It was proven that the sh**t was right-handed.

But don lentile's right hand Is permanently asleep.

It's not completely useless, just the...

You know, if I try to put a cup in it, There's...

I mean, it's not paralyzed or anything.

It's just with gripping things, There-- there you go.

Once in a while...

Don also had two alibis.

Because there was static during mama's family, He called down to the motel front desk to complain.

lentile: oh, yeah, I really reamed into that woman.

It's unacceptable.

You pay for a motel room; you expect a tv to work.

woman: and the motel operator's log Shows the call came in at 9:09 p.M.

It's not one of those calls you forget.

He had been very rude.

Her testimony should have been enough to acquit don, But as soon as she took the stand, He lit into her for the whole tv static thing again.

I said, "oh, you're gonna come to court, but, you know--

You don't walk down to room 42 to check out my tv?"

Something inside of me snapped, And I just stood up and screamed, "people like you should die!"

And you have to remember, this was a defense witness.

Our other witness was don's brother.

Paul lentile, albuquerque, new mexico.

He was at the motel when he got home at 9:00 p.M., But he proved to be an unusable witness.

I'm really terrible with dates.

I'm not good.

I can remember faces; you know, baseball stats.

You know, what cincinnati red had thee most rbis?

I-- that's one I don't know.

I forgot that one already.

It was a train wreck.

You know, I was real nervous About telling my story in court, You know, because I knew there was a lot of holes and whatnot, And, well, my timeline was basically a circle, you know.

So I was getting ready for don's lawyers to really lay into me, And, uh, that was around the time Don started eating his chocolates.

woman: each morning in court, His brother would bring him a box of chocolates, And he would eat each chocolate And kind of comment on what each filling was.

I'd say, uh, "oh, this one's gonna be cherry,"

And, "oh, ooh, it's cherry!"

Or, you know, uh, "this one's gonna be coconut."

He was just naming off Every single filling to these chocolates, And I thought, "I'm gonna be fine."

If I was his lawyer, I would have said, "cool it with the chocolates."

woman: of course dad was beginning to suffer from dementia By the time the trial rolled around, And for some reason, he got it into his head That don was a n*zi sympathizer, And he tried to wrestle him to the ground.

People say there should have been a mistrial, But I do think my father did his best To represent don lentile.

But some people you just can't defend, No matter how innocent they are.

I butchered my story.

I mean, the lawyer's caught me In about 500 lies, you know?

But...

I think the jury liked me just because I wasn't don, You know?

In his closing statement, The prosecutor played a long track From a jazz guitar album that don listened to The day of the m*rder, And don, god bless him, he closed his eyes And snapped along, just loving it.

♪ ra-ka, ga-day ♪
♪ ka-daka-daka ♪

[imitates hi-hat cymbals]

♪ ka-day, ka-ding-ding, do-do, do-do ♪
♪ da-do-do-do ♪
♪ do-do-do-do ♪

You know, that kind of thing.

♪ ♪

man: when the judge said, "death,"

The whole place lit up.

I have never seen a standing ovation in the courtroom.

I mean, people were happy.

I think we provided an open and shut case.

No, there was no physical evidence, But if you take one look at him, You can tell he should be behind bars.

Someone said to me, "would you do it again?"

I said, "I don't know what you're talking about, "but I would do it a million times again.

To you, to anybody."

They said, "are you a thr*at?"

I said, "you bet I'm a thr*at!

"I'm a thr*at to everybody!

Watch it!"

[man speaking]

[g*nshots]

[somber orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[pop]

[air rushing]

lentile: uh, do I think robbie did it?

Nah, I don't know.

I don't think about that.

Maybe. That's a good question.

Why? Did he do it?

Did he do it?

Do you know?

Yeah, you should let me know.

That'd be interesting to find out.
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