01x08 - Home Is Where the Lamp Is

[bunniefuu]

[lively music]

♪

[laughs]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Bob. Okay, stop it.

Oh, trust me, Lydia. I know what I'm doing.

Oh, yeah, let me just put it in and wiggle it around for a second.

I don't know, Harrison tried this our whole marriage, but he could never really get it in.

Oh! Oh, yeah. I can see why.

It's super tight.

Yeah.

Let me just get it a little wet.

Open it up a little wider.

You can try, but I'm not sure...

Oh, there it goes! Oh, yeah, I'm in!

Amazing!

What the hell is going on?

Oh, my God, who are you?

What are you doing to my mother?

Ah. I'm Bob Babcock.

It's a pleasure.

I'm not shaking that hand.

No, no, this is my clean one.

I cannot believe that you and Jimmy spent the last couple of months begging me to take you seriously.

Now... now you're bobbing for Bob?

Never heard it put that way, but I like it.

Honey, I'm not bobbing for...

He's snaking my disposal.

Oh, is that what the kids are calling it now?

My garbage disposal.

There we go. Yeah.

Look at that. Yeesh.

There's a lot of hair. Check it.

You expect me to believe that this guy is a plumber?

With that hair?

[both chuckling]

Honey, he's not a plumber.

He's a realtor.

Why would you need a realtor?

Because I'm selling the house.

You're doing what?

♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪

Nate, this is not a big deal.

You don't think that this is a big deal?

Not at all. People sell their homes all the time.

I was not asking you, Bob.

All right, you know what? I'm gonna go grab my shirt out of the dryer.

You guys are having a family moment here.

Don't! All right, Mom, why on earth would you sell this house?

Because I want to focus on my future.

And it's really hard to do that in a house where I'm surrounded by the ghost of Lydia past.

And so frequently visited by the body of Harrison present.

But this is our house.

Yes.

This... all of our memories are here.

If... if you move, I-I-I won't know how tall I was in 1993.

I-I won't be able to visit Barky Mark's grave without trespassing, which is a crime.

And Santa won't know where to find me.

Okay, it's not the best example.

No, mm-mm.

But there are others.

What about... this... this lamp?

You know? I mean, I love this lamp.

I bought that lamp last week.

Well, it already means the world to me.

Okay, then I will take it with me, along with all of our memories.

Except for the memories that we haven't made yet.

I mean, we always said when I had kids, they'd come to spend weekends and Christmases here.

Now they can spend them at my new condo.

Condo? Condon't.

You can't make memories in a condo.

Mom, a condo's where old people go to die.

Nate, I promise you, this is the best thing for everyone.

How is this the best thing for me?

Because it'll make your mother happy.

And you know what they say:

"Happy mother, happy... others."

They have never said that.

I get that this is hard for you, but this is my decision.

And right now, that's all it is.

Who knows? The house may not even sell.

[chuckles] It'll sell.

One open house and this puppy is gone.

Not helping, Bob.

You know what? Fine.

It's your decision.

And if there's one thing I've realized, is I don't factor into those anymore, so, yeah, don't factor me in.

I'm sorry.

Just know that...

You... I... I'm... this lamp is coming with me.

He seems like a handful.

He actually handled that quite well.

- [hard footsteps approaching]

Hey, buddy.

I just got off the phone with your mom.

She told me she's selling the house.

Are you okay? I made you some toast.

I'm fine, everything's fine. Thank you.

Then why'd you walk up the stairs like a little drummer boy?

Because my feet are heavy.

I think you're lying to me... and yourself.

Why would you think that?

'Cause you're buttering your phone.

Oh.

Okay, fine, all right.

I'm... I'm a little... perturbed that my mom has decided to sell my childhood.

My home. Chil... my childhood home.

Actually, our childhood home.

You practically grew up there, too.

Why doesn't this bother you?

Oh, because it's so hard to do "grown-up stuff" with your mom in a house I practically grew up in.

Well, I'm sorry our childhood has put a damper on your sex life.

Oh, no. It's not your fault.

But it is one of the reasons why we're over here so much.

But your mom's getting a new place, so we won't have to be.

It's the best thing for everyone.

Did you put her up to this?

No. Why would you think that?

Because dating you has put some pretty crazy ideas in her head.

And the other day I saw her wearing a black bra under a white t*nk top.

I'm just encouraging her to do what makes her happy.

Well, stop it.

Stop empowering my mom.

Now you're putting jelly on your hand.

I'm cutting out carbs.

Hey, is that your mom's new lamp?

It means the world to me.

- [bell rings]

Aha.

Harrison, what are you doing here?

I would ask you the same question, but I can clearly see you are picking out furniture for your new condo while the body of our dead home is still warm.

Actually, I work here.

Yeah, you have a job? No, no, no, I don't believe you.

Oh, excuse me, Parker?

Could you please tell my ex-husband that this is my job.

If you call working six hours a week a job, sure, this is her job.

There you go.

How could you have a job?

I don't even know about it.

If you didn't know I had a job, how did you find me?

I track you on Find My Friends.

That is so uncool. What is Find My Friends?

It's an app that helps you find your friends.

But if I were you, I'd buy one that helps you find your marbles, because you have clearly lost yours if you think you're gonna be selling our house.

It is my house. You put it in my name.

And why do you even care?

I care because if you sell it, it means you can never ask me to come back to it.

I can never ask you to come back to it if you never leave.

Is that what this is all about?

Oh, honey, do you need your space?

Because I can give you back the keys I had made before I gave you back my keys.

Harrison, enough. I am moving on.

To a place with a doorman.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

You know, it's funny. When you say there's nothing I can do, I always find something to do.

Like a flight attendant.

Oh, this is not over.

Said the man walking away.

You will not get the last word.

Yes, I will.

[phone chimes]

_

Oh!

Ah!

Oh, you son of a...

Hey, babe, can we talk?

Sure. Um, oh, hey, Parker, can I take like a 15, 20 minute break?

That's like a ninth of your workweek, but cool.

This store don't need your drama.

Well, you know, it could be worse.

Your mom could be moving out of her house and in with you.

Don't even joke about that.

Well, it's actually quite sweet.

After all, three's company.

No, two is company. Mom is a crowd.

Then why was that TV show called "Three's Company"?

I think it was meant to be ironic.

Oh, right.

Like when people cut down trees to make paper and then write "Save the Trees" on them.

[groans]

Hey, come on.

I'm sorry, sonny boy. I'm hatching a plan.

I needed some food for thought.

Hatching a plan for what?

I want to win your mother back.

I realize I was not taking this whole thing seriously enough.

I just thought it was part of her... her Rumspringa.

She would run around with Jimmy for a little bit, maybe she'd buy a new DVD player, and then she would return to the nice, happy Amish life she once knew.

But once she opens the door to that new condo, my window closes.

So what are you thinking, mate?

I was thinking...

I'm sorry, why are you dressed like Juan Valdez?

Who's Juan Valdez?

I was thinking I would start by trying to get her to like me again, and since I have absolutely no idea how to do that, I need your help, son.

No, I can't help you win Mom back.

Yes, but if I do win her back, she would have no reason to sell our house.

Tempting, but I can't do that to Jimmy.

Even if this is all his fault, he's still my best friend.

So you're taking this guy's side?

I am not taking sides, Dad.

And even if I were taking sides, you don't have a side to take.

I mean, the only way you could win Mom back is if you had a time machine.

Great Scott.

That's it! Ha-ha!

Thanks for your help, sonny boy!

I didn't help because time machines don't exist.

Ah!

Who's Juan Valdez?

Hey, your dad's really trying to spook me today.

Yeah, he's a man on a mission.

There's something I need to tell you.

There's something I need to tell you, too.

both: You first.

I'm sorry that I overreacted.

I'm moving in with your mom.

You're doing what?

I can't believe Jimmy asked to move in with me.

I'm so excited.

Oh, here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

[chuckles] I know. It's crazy, right?

Oh, God. It's crazy, right?

You think I'm Anne Bancroft?

Imposing my will upon a younger man who's going to leave me for my own child.

Actually, I meant it as a toast, like, "Here's to you, moving in so quickly." What are you, a lesbian?

So you don't think I'm crazy, right?

No. Why should men be the only ones who get to trade in their ride for a newer model during a mid-life crisis?

Oh, I'm not having a mid-life crisis.

Somebody should tell your shorts that.

I am just experimenting with my style.

I'm trying to figure out this next chapter in my life.

I really love that Jimmy wants to be a part of it, but it also scares the crap out of me.

I mean, what if I make this huge step and it doesn't work out any better than my marriage?

Or what if you don't and it still doesn't?

[gasps] Or what if you do and it does?

I mean, all you can do is follow your heart.

It will always lead you home.

Are you reading off the inspirational sign behind me?

Yeah, but I like it 'cause it's true.

What are you thinking?

You've only been together for two months.

It's crazy.

Why?

Your mom or your dad moved in after three months.

Yeah, and look how well that turned out.

I am looking at how well that turned out.

Stop that. Don't be nice to me while you're doing something stupid.

It's not stupid.

Look at it this way.

It was only a matter of time before your mom accidentally got into the shower with you thinking it was me.

Yeah.

And while I appreciate that greatly, It is not a good reason for you two to move in together.

I mean, have you really thought about what this means?

It means I'm gonna move in with your mom.

So, no.

Jimmy, this is a huge step that leads to one of two places.

Either it doesn't work out and one of you ends up homeless and heartbroken, or worse, much worse, it does work out and you become my ste... my ste...

I become a sheep?

Ste...

Sss... sss... step... daa...

Oh, let's not even go there because, I mean, you're talking about the future, and your mom and I are living in the present.

Does she know that?

Because usually you only move in with someone if you think you're gonna spend the rest of your life with them.

Oh, buddy.

When we moved in together, did you think that about us?

See, we're roommates.

The point is, this is a long-term commitment.

And you can't even commit to a free three-day trial of HBO.

Oh, because I didn't know if I was subscribing, and I didn't want to give it the wrong idea.

Your mom and I may need to have a conversation.

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

What the... No!

Harrison, clean this up. Get this out of here.

Not until you take a trip with me.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

That's right. You aren't.

You are going anywhen with me because I am taking you back in time.

Step through this archway and enter Christmas Eve, 1995.

I'd really rather not.

Bill Clinton was in the White House.

On the radio, Hootie was blowing fish.

And in this house, our little Natey was six.

This is the Christmas that Santa gave Nate his first bike.

[gasps]

And tomorrow, he will break his first bone.

Really, where did you find that?

I found it in the back of the garage.

This is also the same year that you and Santa spent the whole night freezing in the backyard trying to put together that stupid trampoline.

You wanted to test it first, and I caught you when you bounced too high.

I forgot about that.

I know you only remembered the bad things, Lyd, but... [sighs]

There were so many good things, too.

Come on, baby.

Give me another chance.

Oh, Harrison, this isn't about the bad things you did.

Actually, that's not true. It kind of is.

But it's also about the things you didn't do.

Like listen to me when I talked, or go to any of Nate's little league games, or the fact that this was the Christmas that you told Nate that Santa was an anti-Semite and proceeded to re-enact the Holocaust.

Okay, I'll admit my Holocaustume was a mistake.

Let's move on to the dining room.

Thanksgiving, 1998.

No, Harrison, you have to go.

I have an open house tomorrow.

You have an open house tomorrow?

Yes. Now, go.

I apparently have a lot more to do than I thought.

Fine.

Okay.

But I'm taking my turkey.

What are you doing?

Hey, we brought you punch and pie.

Homemade turnip schnapps.

I'm fine. I'm really fine.

You don't need to come and check on me.

Oh, it's okay.

You're not fine, mate.

Your boyfriend's moving in with another woman.

We just want to make sure you and Andy Rooney don't end up face down in a creek, just like Dawson.

Dawson's Creek didn't end with Dawson committing su1c1de.

Right, because he had his friends looking out for him.

And so do you, mate.

Nate, your time machine idea didn't work.

Shocking.

I need a plan B to get your mother back.

And some salt for this bird.

What happened?

I overcooked it.

She refuses to take me back.

She is set on selling the place.

She's even having an open house tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Yeah.

I guess she really can't wait to move in with Jimmy.

They're moving in together?

Oh, no. This is worse than I thought.

We gotta buy some more time.

Guys, there has to be a way to stop her from selling the house.

We could burn it down.

If it was my house and I couldn't have it, I would make sure that no one else could have it.

Well, that's a terrifyingly dark side of you I've never seen before.

Wait a minute.

Well, we may not be able to stop her from selling the house, but what if we stop people from buying the house?

Then she'd never be able to sell it.

[gasps] It's brilliant, mate.

[chuckles]

Hello, sir, how are you? Ma'am, come on in.

2,800 square feet. I think you're gonna love it.

That carpeting can go. It is optional.

Dad, please take that off.

You look like an albino Tom Selleck.

I don't want that Bab Bobcock guy to recognize me.

His name is Bob Babcock, and he won't recognize you.

You've never met him.

Yeah. Point taken.

But if I can't wear my disguise, why does the girl get to be fat?

I'm not fat. I'm pregnant.

It's part of my character's backstory.

Are we doing characters?

No, we're not doing characters.

Let's all remember the goal here.

To prevent the sale of the house.

To get me and your mother back together.

Oh, Dad.

I thought it was to keep Jimmydia from rushing into anything.

Oh, that's what I'm calling them now.

I'm just excited to do a character.

Can we do this already?

Do it.

[Fluid Minds "Edge of the Sky"]

♪ The pressure is on ♪
♪ All this on my shoulders makes my heart weigh a ton ♪
♪ Give me the strength to go on ♪
♪ I'm trying to be a king but I feel more like a pawn ♪

Can we walk a little faster?

We're gonna miss the open house.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

[doorbell rings]

Hello. Bob Babcock.

Hi.

Sambouca Dill. The one on the way is called Maple, and this here's my sex friend.

Atilda Apricot. I'm a... prospector.

May we take a gander?

Yeah, well, congratulations.

Come on in, guys. Please. Please.

You have such an interesting accent.

Uh, hello there. How are you two?

A very good-looking couple. Enjoy.

Uh, you'll see, uh, all the carpeting is new.

Make yourselves at home. Hello, ma'am.

There's some refreshments in the kitchen.

Okay.

♪

Yes.

Do you know this is where they sh*t my favorite adult film?

"Under the Tuscan Buns."

I have never seen so many buns in one place at one time.

Hot, sweaty, fleshy buns.

All up and down this counter top.

[inhales deeply]

All right, so recently installed all new appliances...

♪

I live across the way. Fun fact: From my bedroom, I can see into every window of the house.

So if you ever forget where you put your keys, call me.

I'll know. Yeehaw!

Well, tha... do you have any ques... all right.

Well, thank you for coming. Be sure to... like us on Facebook. Okay, whoa.

♪

I used to live here, before my parents got a divorce and my mom started sleeping with my best friend.

This house has really bad chi.

Oh, my gosh. This place is amazing.

Do you love it?

I-I don't know. Uh...

The area is kinda dicey.

No, it's not. It's a great area.

Is it?

You know, 'cause I'm pretty sure I saw a guy in a hoodie when we were coming in.

Aw, Jimmy, you're wearing a hoodie.

Did you see your own reflection?

Possibly.

You know, and it's just really expensive, and it's, like, ugh.

I don't think it's that expensive.

It's actually quite reasonable.

Yeah, if you're David Hasselhoff.

He's probably loaded.

"Baywatch" ran for a really long time.

Of course it did. It was a great show.

Jimmy, I don't want you to worry about money.

I'm not expecting you to buy this place with me.

You can just chip in when you want whenever you can afford it.

Yeah, but buying a place kinda makes it hard to live in the moment.

And that's what's great about us.

We have no idea what tomorrow holds.

Tomorrow we're having brunch with Parker and her girlfriend.

Right. Well, except that.

We know it holds that, but the further you go into the future, the more hazy it gets.

Do you know on the 31st of December my date book runs out of pages?

Jimmy, is there something you want to talk about?

I just... I don't know how to bring this up.

I told Nate about us moving in together, and...

And he scared the crap out of you.

No, but he brought up some valid points.

Like, like, what happens if one of us ends up homeless and heartbroken?

Or we get engaged? Or I fall off that balcony?

Did you just lump in getting engaged with ending up homeless and dying?

Okay, listen, it looks like we've got to almost everyone, but these couples are playing hard ball.

That guys says he loves the south-facing windows.

And that lady next to him, she asked about school districts.

Don't worry, bossman.

I got this.

I just felt a terrible chill.

[creepy music]

♪

I think there's something evil in this place.

[convulsing]

[grunting]

[demonic voice] This is my house.

No one is safe.

What is she doing? She's gonna ruin it.

I don't know, mate. She's a one woman show.

[gasping] I'm going into labor!

Oh! The spirits want my baby.

Call 911!

Everybody run! Call 911!

I need an old priest and a young priest!

I need an old priest and a young priest.

[cheers and laughter]

I've got a better idea. How about I call your mother, and based on the resemblance, your ex-wife?

Get that cookie out of your mouth.

Come on. In the other room. Let's go.

All right.

Si, si.

Come on, you, too, Rosemary's baby, come on.

Right, yeah, okay.

What is wrong with you guys?

Well, to be fair, you kinda brought it on yourself.

Harrison, not another word.

And, Nate, I would expect this nonsense from your father, but not from you.

I've never seen you act so childish.

I've never seen you act so childish.

Selling the house, and moving in with Jimmy after only two months?

Wha... you're... you're moving in with him after just dating for two months?

[chuckles] I'm... I'm sorry, but... but that is really soon.

Okay, you know what? You're right.

You're all right. We didn't think it through.

You didn't think it through!

Oh. Are you agreeing with me?

'Cause I had a much longer speech prepared.

Well, there's no need.

Jimmy told me about what you guys discussed, and we're not moving in together anymore.

As a matter of fact, we're not doing anything together anymore.

Jimmy broke up with me.

What?