04x02 - C Is for Coward

[bunniefuu]

Danny, listen to my great idea.

We should name the baby after a classic movie character, like Indiana or Wall-E.

I told you, I want a name from history.

Yeah, I suggested O.J. and you thought it was too edgy.

Although to be safe, we probably should pick something gender-neutral.

You know, in case he's trans.

He's not gonna be trans.

Well, that's up to herm.

"Herm"?

I don't think so.

Danny?

Hmm?

Put your book down. I'm horny.

Uh, okay, babe, maybe...

Maybe not tonight.

Come here, come here.

Okay, okay.

Just want a little sweet D.

It's just, I don't want my special guy so close to my special guy.

I mean, he might hear us.

You don't want to have sex because of the baby?

Danny, this is my baby. He loves sex sounds.

How would you like it if you were minding your own business and a big penis just came and hit you right in the face?

Yeah, that's my life you're describing.

Sweetheart, look at this ring.

This is our solemn oath to be with each other for the rest of our lives, is it not?

It is, yes.

Okay.

You bought the cow, now get the milk for free.

Babe, I'm sorry, I just...

A son should only see his father's thing when they stop on a hike to pee.

You know what, you prude?

I don't even need you. Read your book.

I will just draw my own erotica.

[clears throat]

Aah. Ooh.

This is some real good stuff.

You're just drawing the number 69.

Yeah. Ooh la la.

Oh oh.

Mm-hmm.

You keep it going, 69.

Just please, please! Please!

What? Stop! No!

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

Oh, good news, everybody.

I'm taking the entire staff out to dinner tomorrow night, with Whitney, the girl I'm dating.

It's actually the restaurant where the guy breaks up with his phone plan in the Verizon commercial.

No big deal. [sniffs]

Sorry, I'm taking a night school class.

It's called "Making Excuses at Work."

Bev! I was counting on you. Come on, guys.

Don't make Whitney think I'm a weird loser with no friends.

Adrian?

No, sorry.

I gotta give the dog his sh*ts while my wife's on a date.

At least she's letting me in the house.

[sighs] Mindy, Morgan.

You love free slop.

Look, Jeremy. I for one would love to want to go to that.

But my fertility clinic has a booth at the Manhattan Fertility Expo.

Yeah, we started a pretty innovative new program.

It's to convince girls in their 20s to want to freeze their eggs.

It's called "Later, Baby!"

And it was my idea! I'm a business partner.

Frisbee! [disc clatters]

Sorry.

Really?

No takers for a free dinner?

Unbelievable. You lot would turn down a free car if it was from me!

Wait, who's giving away a free car?

Uh, I'm good.

I... I mean... just...

Tamra!

Hey, we were wondering if we could run our spiel for the Fertility Expo by you?

'Cause you're young and millennial, right?

[phone chimes]

Perfect.

Do you know there's no better time to freeze your eggs than when you're in your 20s?

Mm-hmm, and it's a great way to make sure that your reproductive health is... on fleek.

And that is... cool.

Freezing your eggs?

I heard that stuff's unnatural, at least that's what the midwives from upstairs said in their ad.

The midwives?

Yeah, look.

Okay.

Pollution. Drought.

Peanut sensitivity.

The modern world is ruining our lives.

And now, from birthing dr*gs to egg freezing, Big Fertility wants to change the way we make new life.

But there is another way...

A more natural way.

At Downtown Women's Holistic Health Center, my brother Duncan and I...

Hi!

Are returning to traditions when birth was a tribal ritual, spiritual, erotic even... not a sterile medical procedure.

Brendan has the charisma of a young Paul Newman.

That's enough.

Drug-free birthing techniques for every kind of family, from same-sex couples to inter-species triples.

Let's hear from Brooke Burke.

Thanks to Paleo Birth, I didn't go into labor surrounded by masked doctors.

Masks?

Really, doctors?

What are you hiding?

You know who else wears masks? Bank robbers.

And !sis.

I gave birth right here in my Brentwood garden, and my child's first sight wasn't a hospital gown.

It was a butterfly.

And then the sprinklers came on and we had to move.

Paleo Birth.

Stone Age health care is finally here.

Bye-bye!

Natural birth?

Easy for you to say, Brooke Burke!

If I had a birthing canal that straight, basically, having a baby is like taking a big fart.

All right, yeah, sure, that movie was beautiful and well-made, but at the end of the day, what are you gonna remember more: A great movie, or a good ol' Frisbee made in the U.S. of...

Chernobyl?

Okay, just...

Y'all mad. That video was hella compelling.

And everyone knows Brooke Burke doesn't get out of bed for less than $10,000.

Okay, it wasn't compelling and everyone hated it.

And let me tell you something.

I will never have a natural birth, okay?

I'm gonna be so drugged out for my C-section, that when I wake up, Donald Tr*mp will have started second term.

[clears throat]

Morning, Danny.

C-section? Drugged up?

Have we not gone over my birthing plan?

What the hell? You want to have the baby here?

Sir, this is the most luxurious birthing suite in Manhattan.

We've hosted everyone from Bethenny Frankel to Miss Tina Fey.

[sighs] It's everything I've ever creamed of.

Come on, this place is bigger than my apartment.

It's nicer, too.

Danny, look at this place!

There's a massage chair, there's satellite radio.

They put spa water in the IV for you.

Sir, I understand you're nervous, but don't worry.

This suite has a "Dad Cave," with a tequila list curated by Pitbull.

A very smart breed.

I don't care about any of that.

Mindy, don't you think you should check out the delivery room?

Oh, don't worry about that, Dr. Lahiri.

You'll never remember it.

You've opted for the five-day C-section knockout package.

You have?

Mm-hmm.

Are you serious? You want to be high on goofy gas for the most beautiful moment of your life?

Okay, the most beautiful moment of my life was when I got a selfie with Gayle King on that flight.

Second of all, Danny, this is my delivery.

Just let me do what I want.

Well, you have time to decide.

Her baby removal appointment isn't until next Saturday.

You mean childbirth? Okay, guys, look.

We need to figure this out, okay?

We need to be prepared if the little guy wants to come out on its own... naturally.

Naturally?

Naturally.

He can't come out early!

Then he'd be a Virgo and Virgos are honest and reliable.

Okay. All right.

Uh, Brad?

This was an amazing tour.

This is for you. For your troubles.

Sir, this is a dollar.

Exactly, and I need 50 cents back.

Hello, Daniel. I'm excited you've finally decided to see me about your problem.

Problem? What problem?

Well...

You were molested by your priest as a child.

That's why your personality turned out this way.

Why does everyone assume I was molested?

Listen, the reason I'm here is because I saw your video and I thought you might be able to suggest some... non-medical ways to induce childbirth.

Mm-hmm, I understand. And remind me again how you described my methods on the local news?

Was it "superstitious hoodoo for dumdums?"

Yeah, I stand by it. But who knows?

The Yankees always won every time I sat on Father Tony's lap.

I mean, anything's possible.

Hmm. I think I can help you.

Chapter seven of my new book "Paleo Birth" suggests natural ways to induce childbirth.

That's great. Thank you.

You're welcome.

How much do I owe you?

You know what? Just pay it forward.

Initiate a conversation on race.

Take in a homeless person for a week.

Start a critical mass bike ride for veganism.

Okay, great. Thank you.

Whoa.

Lot of candles, babe.

Natural ways to induce childbirth...

Come over here. Try this arrabbiata.

You cooked?

Ooh. Looks great.

There you go.

Okay.

Spicy foods...

Ow!

Oh, my God! That is very spicy.

Sorry, here.

Hm.

Red wine...

Alcohol?

Yeah.

Tried to have a sip of your beer last month, you called me Casey Anthony.

Not tonight.

Massage...

Would you like a massage?

Okay.

[sighs]

Oh, that's good.

Ah, babe.

Nipple stimulation...

Ow!

Why'd you tweak my tit?

I'm horny, let's get to it.

You're horny?

Very.

Oh, my God, Danny, this is great news, 'cause I've been cheating on you with a banister .

Let's go.

Mmm.

Sexual intercourse.

Ow, ow. There's something here.

Don't worry about it.

"Paleo Birth"?

Nah, it's...

Danny, why do you have this?

Were you trying to boink the baby out of me?

I cannot believe you.

You tried to trick my body into giving birth before my C-section.

Booze? Sex?

Danny, you used all my favorite things against me!

Look, Min, if you have this baby safe and naturally, you'll be glad you did.

Your body knows how to do this... it knows.

My body is an idiot.

Have you ever seen me try to climb a ladder?

Danny, it's decided, okay? I'm getting a C-section.

Do you know what that C stands for?

Yeah, comfort, convenience, coolness.

No. C is for "coward."

[gasps]

C-sections are designed for emergencies, not for rich women to schedule their births between spin classes.

How dare you. You know I don't spin.

[sighs] Look, if you let it, birth can be a beautiful experience.

Excuse me?

I'm an OB/GYN, too, Danny.

We both know that childbirth is a horror movie.

Basically, your vag*na explodes a bloody, screaming little alien.

Yeah, well, that sounds beautiful to me.

Besides, the pain of childbirth, I mean, that's a rite of passage for a woman.

Why should only women have to suffer through pain, okay?

Why don't you get one of your cavities filled without any Novocain?

I don't get cavities, okay?

I got a brushing ritual.

Two minutes up and down, two minutes round and round, and I go...

I can't listen to you talk about how you brush your teeth anymore.

Why does it bother you so much, okay?

Why don't you just let me sleep through it, like when you make me watch "Frontline"?

Okay, so you want to sleep through your first big challenge of being a mom?

Fine.

But there's gonna be nothing but more challenges down the line, and you're not gonna be able to sleep through those.

[recorded screaming]

[screams]

Startle the mother.

Dammit, Danny!

Whoo! Expo is here, Dr. L!

I am nervous, but excited.

What two things are you?

My two words? Betrayed and upset.

What?

You want to know what Danny tried to do last night?

Danny tried to trick my body into giving birth early.

Okay, between me and you?

Yeah?

I love Dr. C.

Mm-hmm.

He's always been the Yoko of our relationship.

Well, who am I?

The Beatles.

Who are you?

Morgan. Not a music fan.

Listen, the point is this.

You are a confident, beautiful ethnic goddess, okay?

Don't let some man tell you what to do with your body.

Thank you.

Last time I checked, this was America, and we respect women here.

Yeah, "Roe v. Wade" and stuff.

Yeah, "Roe v. Wade," Dwyane Wade, all the Wades.

Thank you, Morgan. You're right.

And you know what? I'm really excited for the Expo.

As long as this little guy doesn't try to come out before the C-section.

Oh, let me handle that one.

Hey, boy! Hey, sit!

Sit! Stay!

Okay.

Good boy. You get a treat.

Okay, how many times have I told you?

The only thing you're allowed to kiss are my feet.

You got it.

Well, it's gonna be great.

Aah!

Ow!

What happened? Did you say "ow"?

Or did you start to say "owl?"

'Cause I can get you an owl.

[knocking on door]

Hey, mate.

Hey, what do you think about Frank as a baby name?

Oh, I have a brother named Frank.

You do?

Yeah, he used to walk me to the garden, where he'd have the others wait for me, with their sticks.

[sighs] I gotta stop running these names by you.

Okay, so, what's up?

Oh, nothing. Just seeing who's around.

I'm surprised you're not at the Fertility Expo.

Yeah, Mindy and I had a difference of opinion.

I thought I'd stay here.

Aha! Busted!

If you're not going to the Expo, then you have no choice but to come to dinner with Whitney and me.

Tonight?

To... oh, you know what?

I'm sorry, I just remembered, Ma needs me...

No, no, no, no, no. You're trapped, Danny, like a mouse wriggling on glue paper.

Now Whitney will see what good friends I have.

Ha!

Hey, guys... I appreciate that you're coming with us, but do you think you could let a pregnant lady sit?

Sorry, I can't.

My legs are tired from being long and thin.

How do you know I'm not pregnant?

I'm late!

So then, I will just continue to stand, even though I am 1,000 months pregnant.

You guys are jerks.

Oh, God.

It's the Deslauriers.

Oh, hey, Brendan! Duncan!

Come over here and stand with us!

What are you doing? We hate them.

Oh, right.

Hey, Morgan.

Hey, what's up?

Oh, hi, guys!

What a nice coincidence, ha-ha.

Mindy, congratulations. When did you have the baby?

Okay, that's hilarious.

[fake laughs]

What are you, a comedian now?

For your FYI, this baby is getting delivered on schedule, in a ritzy birthing suite, that S*ddam Hussein called, quote, "a bit much."

Aah.

Are you okay?

Are you having contractions?

No, I was just remembering a funny joke that Morgan told me.

Oh, was it the one about the banana on a date with silverware?

"You're very a-peel-ing. Wanna fork?"

[laughs]

Why is the floor all wet, Mindy?

Oh, God.

'Cause she's laughing so hard at my joke, she peed herself, obviously.

Yeah, why is it so hard to believe that Morgan is hilarious?

All right? He should be hosting "The Daily Show."

Yes!

Mindy, your water just broke.

[panting]

[panting] Oh, God.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This cannot be happening right now.

I had a plan.

Yeah, me too!

God, I was supposed to be at the Expo right now, networking with other business Morgans.

Ah, I'm starting to feel a little bad that I ever messed with your birth control in the first place.

What?

I still ain't moving.

[all exclaim]

Sorry, folks. We have a slight delay.

Apparently a man has fallen onto the tracks while filming a viral video of some kind.

Well, just run him over, for God's sakes!

We will update you on the premise of the viral video when we have more information.

Thank you for riding the MTA.

It's gonna be a song parody.

Okay, Mindy, you're going to have this baby right now on this subway.

Oh, my God!

A subway baby?

You're gonna be on "The Ellen Show!"

Sheena was in the audience once, and she got some Omaha steaks and a pair of Tom's.

No, no, no, no, thanks.

Up, up, get up now.

Thank you. I won't be needing your help.

I'm just gonna keep my legs closed, and wait till we get to the Javits Center.

Shh.

Thanks.

Everyone stay calm. She's in good hands.

Although my techniques are designed for younger and more athletic women, this one is going to have her baby the Paleo way.

You can do it, Mindy!

Shh, we don't know that yet.

Hey.

Danny!

Thank God you're here.

Okay, if there are people you don't recognize at the dinner table, I've hired some improv actors to play my other friends.

One of them... I have no idea why... is doing a surfer dude.

Okay.

Danny, hello? What's wrong?

What's happening? What's the matter?

Have I a booger?

No, you're fine. Look...

Sure?

Yeah.

I just got this crazy woman pregnant and now she wants to check out for the most important moment in her life.

Well, maybe it's because she's terrified.

Terrified?

Of what, a little pain? No, that's not Mindy.

I mean, just last week, she spent the whole day with a dart in her shoulder.

Danny, whenever Mindy gets scared of doing something hard, she always tries to pretend like it's not happening.

Like that time she stole all that Oxy because she was afraid to get a Brazilian.

She's scared, Danny.

Yeah.

I mean, she hasn't been to the dentist in, like, 10 years.

The other day we were kissing and a tooth came right out.

I swallowed it.

That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

[both laugh]

[cell phone buzzing]

What's up? Who's that?

What's wrong?

You bet... no, no, no, no. You better not be leaving.

[cell phone buzzing]

What?

What, what?

We... I mean, we better go in...

I gotta... I gotta...

The baby's coming. He's coming.

The baby's coming.

Danny!

It's coming.

My friend!

What's up, brah?

[sighs]

When we digging into some grub?

[sighs]

You look amazing.

Okay, your contractions are eight minutes apart, so I'm with you... I'm going to stay with you, okay?

Okay, thank you.

Step out of the way.

Listen to me, you little son of a bitch!

You're ruining my Expo.

You're ruining my best friend's body, and you are gonna stay in there...

Oh, my God!

Till the Daddy shows up!

Get your head out of my crotch!

Why would you think that was okay?

I was trying something new.

Sit down!

It's okay. Now, Mindy, do you have a favorite mantra you'd like to recite?

I do have a mantra.

It's "save my money and spend his."

Save my money and spend his.

Save my money and spend... it's not working.

Mmm, less corporate, more spiritual.

Oh, God, I just want my birthing suite and my playlist.

I can play you something.

Oh, my God. You can?

Sure!

Duncan, do you know "Drunk in Love?"

No.

Okay, uh...

"Irreplaceable?" "Naughty Girl?"

"Bonnie and Clyde '02?" Literally anything Beyonce?

Oh, if you like Beyonce, you're gonna love this.

[sighs] Okay.

[playing ukulele]

♪ I've been working ♪
♪ On the railroad ♪
♪ All the livelong day ♪

Is this for real?

All: ♪ I've been working on the railroad ♪
♪ Just to pass the time away ♪

Please stop!

All: ♪ Can't you hear the whistle blowing ♪

Please stop!

Whoo-whoo!

Excuse me, sir.

Can I get down there? My girl's having a baby.

Sorry, sir. Subway's closed.

It's closed?

Closed.

Okay.

All right.

Hey!

[dramatic music]

Excuse me.

Hey, whoa!

♪ ♪

Mindy, look at me.

This is sage. This is nature's anesthetic.

Breathe this in.

What?

It's better than an epidural.

Nature sucks! I need dr*gs!

Somebody give me dr*gs!

You know what, guys? I just need some dr*gs.

Please someone give me dr*gs!

Nobody give her dr*gs, please.

Here!

Don't drink it all. It's my dinner.

Don't drink any of it.

Yuck.

Miracle of childbirth, am I right?

Listen, you should have kids, but not for a long time.

Have you considered freezing your eggs?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

You know what? This is just too much.

I gotta be straight up unconscious, man.

You gotta punch me in the face.

Mindy, I've wanted to punch you in the face for so very long.

Yeah.

I will not do that right now.

God damn you!

Tamra. Sweet Tamra.

Please slap me across the face.

I can't just slap you.

You have to say something I find offensive.

Beyonce's really 44!

[gasps]

Oh, God!

That did nothing and I've betrayed Beyonce!

I feel better.

[crying]

♪ ♪

Mindy?

Sorry.

[gasping] Okay, I have an idea.

I'm just going to raise this baby inside of me, and then it can just see out of my mouth.

No.

I'm stumped. Mantras, herbs.

We've tried everything but modern medicine.

Mindy?

Mindy!

Danny?

Mindy!

Oh, God, Danny!

Where have you been? What, did you stop for a slice?

You okay?

Oh, God, it hurts.

It hurts so much, Danny.

Look, look, I'm sorry. I know I was a jerk.

I know you're really scared, and so am I.

[sobbing] Me too.

You are?

Yeah, I am terrified.

But the only thing that calms me down... is knowing that I'm doing this with someone that's stronger than I am.

I'm not, Danny, I'm not.

Yes, you...

I can't do it, Danny. It hurts too much.

Hey, yes, you are. You are much stronger than me.

You are much stronger than me. You know it.

And you can do this. You know why?

Why?

Because you're a stone-cold bitch.

He's right. You are a bitch.

You're tough... you're tougher than anyone I know.

You're even tougher...

You're even tougher than Ma.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Okay. Okay.

I love you.

I love you.

You can do this, okay?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

I can't stop looking at him.

[whispers] Hey.

He looks Latino.

And you know what that means.

He's really gonna clean up.

I was thinking the same thing.

He's gorgeous.

Right?

He's basically a little model.

This is definitely the best thing I ever cooked.

Where is he? Get away from me!

I need to see him.

[crying]

I'm sorry, sweetheart. He's waking up.

I'm sorry.

You okay?

He's an angel.

He's gorgeous.

Definitely not a Tookers boy. He's too small.

No, no, why would you say that?

'Cause I was 16 pounds.

So this is not my baby.

What?

But I still love you, little Morgan.

No, no, no, no. His name's not Morgan, okay?

We...

We haven't named him yet.

Danny, please, I'm so tired.

Spent the last seven hours squeezing out this little watermelon.

Can you please pick a name?

Okay.

[poignant music]

♪ ♪

Leo.

I love it.

For Leonardo DiCaprio?

No, like Leonardo da Vinci.

Of course.

That... of course, that... it makes so much more sense.

Or Leo the lion.

'Cause this little guy's gonna be really strong.

Mm-hmm.

Like his ma.

[crying]

I'm Ma.

Yeah.

I love you, Leo Castellano.

We can workshop the name.

Hey, hey!

Hey, look at this.

Hello, young man!

[Sam Smith's "Stay With Me"]

♪ Oh won't you stay with me ♪
♪ ♪
♪ 'Cause you're all I need ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh darling stay with me ♪