02x18 - Young and Doppelganger

[bunniefuu]

Good morning.

Good mor...

Mmm.

Ooh!

Yeah, it's good, right?

It's artisanal almond butter.

Well, "A", I'm really impressed that you know how to use the word "artisanal."

And "B", umm, almond butter? It's $15 a jar! We can't afford it!

Not with this.

Oh, okay, so you bought a $600 Vitamix to make $15 worth of almond butter?

Yup. I'm starting Mm-hm. this new thing where I make different types of nut butters, and I sell them at farmers markets all over the bay area.

Are ya?

Yes, I are.

Aww, you're nuts.

Hey, that could be my catchphrase.

Gabi, do you have any idea how much it would cost to buy the nuts, the jars, the ribbons, the tag, the insurance, let alone the permits for selling?

Oh, I have an idea!

Let's invent the computer.

Oh, no, no, no! It's important that innovation be crushed!

Gabi, I'm not trying to crush your dreams.

It's just that money is, you know... we don't have any.

So, this, ah, idea is just totally unrealistic.

(Mocking) "This idea is totally unrealistic."

I'll tell you what.

I'll be fine with you buying this...

Yes.

...if you answer "none" to the following question.

How much of our rent, which is due in 11 days, have you spent on this $600 blender?

Dream crusher.

(Theme music playing)

♪ She's in the spotlight ♪
♪ and she turned my head ♪
♪ she'd run a red light ♪
♪ 'cos she's bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪

♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby ♪

Morning, girl.

What's the matter?

Sofia wants me to return this Vitamix, but I really want it.

Yeah, well, I want to be the meat in a Denzel-Lebron sandwich, but we don't always get what we want.

And sometimes, we get arrested trying.

Check out the outfit I got for gay pride weekend.

You trying to scare them straight?

Look what I'm wearing.

Why is that parade float wearing your wig?

That's me!

Why are you going to pride?

Oh, remember when you tricked me into being a drag queen bingo host?

Ha, that was funny.

Well, now, I am a gay icon.

I got men buying me drinks all over town.

Because they think you're a man.

(In deep voice) Well, if the size 12 shoe fits.

Hey, here's a thought.

Since Allan's out of town, why don't we go together?

I want to celebrate pride. Not shame.

No. Yolanda, think about it.

I'm an amazing publicist.

I can get us invites to the pre-party, the parade party, and the post-party.

You can get us free drinks.

We'll be the most popular pair of people at the pride parade.

Ooh, I like it.

And my apartment sits in the center of all the action, so we can change outfits for every event!

Perfect! I own this in many patterns.

Oh, you know, thank God I didn't rent my place out.

You know, someone offered me $600 for the weekend?

Somebody offered you $600 to rent out your place?

That's right. My apartment has a view of the whole parade.

And people are willing to pay cash dollar money for that.

So, that means my apartment has a cash dollar money view.

(Gasps) (Whispering) Are you hearing this?

Oh... my God!

Guys...

I just got invited to an Ed Talk.

Congratulations! This is huge!

Wow, that's amazing!

If I knew what it was, I'd be more sincere.

Gabi, an Ed talk is when they invite this extremely successful person to give this inspirational speech, and they live-stream it.

If it goes viral, this could be a game changer.

Fun!

Every great Ed Talk has this moment that is so mind-blowing, the entire audience gasps.

I don't only have that, but I have a k*ller opening joke.

Check it.

Why was the computer stressed out when it got home from work?

'Cause it had a hard drive.

(Laughing)

Roger, you'll be speaking first, and then Josh will follow.

Do you guys want the podium up or down?

I'll go up.

(Stuttering)

Not me.

See, Steve Jobs had it down.

Dalai Lama had it down.

And Josh Kaminski? He's gonna have it down.

I want nothing between me and my audience.

Oh, brother.

You know what, guys?

I got a little treat for ya.

I want you to come close. I'm going to share my opening joke.

Why was the computer stressed out when it got home?

'Cause it had a hard drive. Bam!

Well, this thing's obviously broken.

Hi.

Gabi, it's been three days. Why is the blender still here?

Well, remember when you said that if I could figure out a way to pay for the blender without using our rent money, I could keep it?

Yeah.

Well, I did it!

You did what?

Well, Josh is away for the weekend doing some sort of talk.

And he asked me to house sit.

Okay.

Meanwhile, over here at our place, it's gay pride, and if you have a view of the parade, you can rent out your place for $600.

And guess what we have?

A view of the parade!

Problem solved, the fancy blender stays.

Gabi for the win.

Gabi, first, let me say that I appreciate that you actually came up with a sensible plan.

I know. I know.

But there's just one problem.

I don't want strangers staying in my place, touching my things, sleeping in my bed with their drool and their parts.

But Sofia...

No, Gabi, the answer is no. Nobody can stay here.

(Knocking)

(Coughs)

We may have a little bit of a situation.

You rented out our apartment?

To really cool people.

Probably.

(Knocking)

Hi. Listen, I'm really sorry...

Hi.

Hi.

And they're in.

Hi.

I'm Sam.

And I'm Gracie.

This place is so cute.

Just like all the pictures.

Well, this is hardly a veranda.

Luckily, you guys have a view of the parade.

Her brother's the grand marshall.

Oh, my God! Sofia has a gay brother, too!

Yay for gay brothers!

Okay, well, I hate to break it to everybody, but as co-habitant of said apartment, I was not informed by the other co-habitant of this apartment about this, ah, sub-leasing situation, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Really? Well, did your co-habitant tell you we have a contract?

You signed a contract?

Yeah, but you love contracts!

I... I'm so mad right now, I don't even know where to start.

Sofia, hang on, okay? I have another idea.

Since you don't want them here, and they don't want to leave, how about we upgrade them to my boss' deluxe apartment in the sky?

(Gasps) That sounds so amazing!

No, no, no, I don't want to be in the sky.

I want to be here with the view of the parade.

Seriously, so now you're just offering Josh's apartment?

I... I can't believe you, Gabi.

You know what? I... hm... huh... actually, I can believe it!

Because you do things like this all the time!

Well, I wouldn't do things like this all the time if you didn't always say no.

I wouldn't have to say no, Gabi, if-if you weren't acting like an irresponsible child.

Oh, my God. When did you get such a stick up your ass?

I don't know, maybe you put it there without asking me.

What's happening, Sofia?

We used to have fun and hang out and do stupid stuff together.

We grew up, Gabi, or at least I did.

Well, if growing up means acting like you, then I don't want to.

And that's exactly the point.

I've grown up, and you haven't.

So, maybe the truth is we've just actually grown apart.

(Gasps)

Oh, well, maybe we have.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

Oh, it's okay. We just had the same argument in the car.

I'm growing apart from her? I'm a child with stupid ideas?

Well, how stupid is this?

Stupid awesome!

Oh, my God.

I am so glad I decided to come with you.

Yeah, you are.

Thank you so much for letting me stay in... my apartment.

I hope the stick up my ass doesn't get in your way.

Oh, please.

With all the sticks Gracie's told me I have up my ass, I could start a Popsicle factory.

Oh, my God. You travel with your own coasters?

Yeah, is that crazy?

It's crazy awesome!

(Laughing)

Wow. I've never been this high before.

Just kidding. I totally have.

(Chuckles) That's really funny.

You know, Sofia used to make jokes like that.

Now, the only joke she makes is, "Knock, knock. Who's there? Shut up, we're broke."

And last week, Gabi...

(phone beeps)

Oh, it's Gabi texting me.

Probably wanting to apologize.

Mm-hmm.

Nope, it's just a picture of her butt.

You want to get her back?

Ignore her. Be the bigger person.

Where have you been all my life?

What did they text back?

Nothing. They can't think of a comeback.

They're so boring.

I know.

Hey, you know what's not boring?

Couponing!

Margaritas!

Yeah!

Oh, it's good to take a little break.

Oh, you need a break?

No, do you?

No.

Gotcha.

I could party like this every day.

Me too.

My heart feels like it's about to explode.

From all the fun and excitement.

Oh.

And my feet are throbbing.

To the rhythm of the techno.

You know what? Let's go change outfits, so we can get back out there.

You know it.

But, you know what else?

I'm noticing you get a better view of the parade from right here.

I wonder if it's even better sitting down?

Let me see.

But just for a brief mo.

(Both sigh)

So, as our lives become easier, the computers doing our jobs will be the ones who'll need therapy.

And thanks to my algorithm, they'll be able to get it.

(Audience gasps)

Reminds me of a joke.

Why was the computer stressed out when it got home from work?

'Cause it had a hard drive.

(Audience laughs)

Did you hear that?

No. No, he stole my joke!

(Laughing)

(Laughing)

My gosh, you're so right.

Having a few friends over totally mellowed me out.

Or maybe it's the pitcher of margaritas?

That too.

(Phone beeps)

Oh, some more margarita drinkers are on their way up.

Fun! Oh... (Phone rings) oh, it's my boss.

You buzz your friends in, I'll handle this guy.

Hey, boss.

Gabi, this is a disaster!

I'm trying to call Elliot, and he's not picking up.

What's wrong?

The guy before me stole my joke!

What? Why would he steal that... awesome joke.

Because of its awesomeness, Gabi.

And now... now, I'm about to go on, and something weird is happening to me.

My... my... my hands are shaking, I'm starting to sweat.

Okay, well, it's just stage fright, okay? It happens to everybody.

Not me.

Oh, wow, my chest is tight.

Okay, just take a deep breath.

If it gets bad during your talk, just picture the audience in their underwear.

Hey, funny man, you're on.

Oh, I gotta go on.

I knew I should have brought my harmonica.

(Rock music playing)

Ah!

Wah!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Gracie?

Gracie! Gracie, you said a few of your friends were coming up.

Oh, calm down. The rest will be here real soon.

(Glass breaking)

Please welcome to the Ed stage, Josh Kaminski.

(Audience applauds)

Dude, you're on.

I said podium down! Oh, never mind.

Hi.

I'm Josh Kaminski.

And, uh...

Today, I'd like to... talk to you about... (Inhales deeply) about...

It worked.

Today, I would like to talk to you about alternate paths to success.

Uh-oh.

Down, boy.

How do we measure succ-sex?

(Chuckles) Sex. Sex.

Success.

Well, it's hard.

It is really hard. I wish it wasn't hard... but it is.

We each have our own path.

Is it straight? Not always.

Is it long? Everything's relative!

(Audience gasps)

Oh, not the gasp I was hoping for.

What a rush.

Ha-ha! I can't believe I've never couponed before.

You would never know it.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Oh, just taking my share of the pine sol.

Your share?

Yeah.

You bought it, but I saved you 40 cents with my coupon, so just taking my 40 cents worth.

It's fair.

Well, it might be fair, but it's a little insane, don't you think?

Oh, I get it.

This is because I didn't pay you for gas.

Oh, no, no. I drove five blocks. I wouldn't charge you for gas.

Well, maybe if you did, you wouldn't have to rent your house out to strangers on the Internet.

Whoa. What's happening here?

I thought we were on the same page.

And I think I'm getting a headache. Hmm.

Oh, you want some aspirin?

Uh, yeah, thanks.

Here you go.

Thank you.

That'll be 57 cents.

(Rock music playing)

Hey, you know what would be really fun?

If everybody left!

Gracie!

Gabi!

Wait, why are you still wearing a bra?

What the hell is happening?

You gotta get everybody out of here!

Oh, it's just a couple of people. And my friend Jared thinks you're really cute.

Really? No!

You gotta get everybody out.

Wait, what's happening to you?

You're turning into such a Sofia.

Sofia?

I'm a Sofia?

If I'm turning into a Sofia, the only reason is because you're acting like a... oh, my God.

Whoa.

Did you just say "Sofia," like, 12 times?

Or am I really wasted?

(Phone rings)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's my boss!

Help!

Hey, Josh. Pretty quiet. What's going on there?

Let's just say the Ed Talk didn't go as planned.

I'm coming home.

What? Home?

Josh, I'm sure it was fine. You're always so hard on yourself.

You have no idea.

I'm leaving right now.

But... but it's not Sunday, and you said Sunday.

Gabi, all I wanna do is crawl into my bed and never see anyone ever again.

See you in 30 minutes.

Oh, God...

Please help.

Show me a way to get those people out of there and... and I promise I'll go to church every week.

(Elevator dings)

Every other week.

Sofia, what are you doing here?

That Sam was wound way too tight.

Yeah, and Gracie is out of control.

She threw a party, and now Josh is on his way here, and there's like a gazillion people in there, and they won't leave!

This is all my fault. I'm gonna lose my job. You gotta help me.

Well, I might have a stick up my ass, but they're about to have a foot up theirs.

Sofia, I don't know what you're gonna do.

I mean, these people are totally out of control!

We're never gonna get them out of here.

(Whistles)

People!

I'm Sofia Maria Consuela Rafaella Rodriguez, and you're done!

(Car honks)

Oh! What's going on?

No, Josh, I'm engaged.

What's happening?

Oh, God. We missed it.

Ugh. The parade has literally passed us by.

Elliot, I have a confession to make.

This holiday is exhausting.

Man wasn't made to dance for more than 10 minutes.

Celebrations should have places to sit.

Let's face it, we're old.

Yes.

But, in the spirit of pride, let's be honest about who we are.

We're old! We're tired! Get used to it!

It doesn't get any better! It gets harder!

I dye my hair!

I buy mine!

Hi, Josh.

Hey, what's up?

Nothing! Nothing's up.

Ugh.

What a nightmare.

Tell me about it.

This weekend was supposed to be so great.

It turned into a disaster.

I hear you.

Totally get it.

I have never felt so naked and exposed.

And sad.

And alone.

It's like you think you know what you're doing.

You got it all planned out.

Yeah, but you know there's nothing wrong with planning. Planning can be good.

Aww.

And then something pops up out of nowhere and takes you completely by surprise.

But there's nothing wrong with surprises.

You know, surprises can be fun.

Aww.

But, hey, you know what's great?

Being able to come home and be with people who make you feel good.

Oh, I missed you so much!

I missed you more!

I've only been gone like three hours.

I love you so much!

I love you more!

This is nice.

This is uplifting.

Maybe a little too uplifting.

Not again, not again, not again, not again, not again...

Elliot, my speech was a complete failure.

Your speech was, but your song's a raging success.

What are you talking about?

As your publicist, I took matters into my own hands to get in front of the story.

Hi, I'm Josh Kaminski.

How do we measure success?

(Electronic music plays)

♪ Well, it's hard, hard, hard ♪

♪ it's really hard ♪
♪ really hard. I wish it wasn't hard ♪ but it is.

In life, ♪ you have to behands on ♪
♪ hands on, you have to be hands on, hands on ♪

I mean, that's really good. That must've taken you forever.

Yeah. It was really hard.

(Snickers)