07x04 - Deflategate

[bunniefuu]

(both moaning)

Yes!

Yeah.

Ah!

Ooh.

Thank you.

Are you kidding me?

No, thank you.

Ha, well, I'm a giver.

Yeah, you are.

(groans)

Wet spot.

Hey!

Hey.

You switched sides?

Uh, you know, my phone charger only works on this side, so this is kind of my spot.

Your spot?

Yeah.

You sure you're not trying to avoid this spot?

I mean, that's cool with me.

I don't have a problem with, you know, like, your excretions and stuff.

Wow! You make it sound like it's a sea urchin!

Wait, oh, okay, um... juices?

And now it's a breakfast buffet?

What do you want me to say?

I don't know!

That's definitely you.

Hold on a second here.

If we're talking about the "us cocktail," I think we're talking 90% Libby with a ten percent Pete floater, tops.

A Pete floater?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, well, then, Pete?

Mm-hmm.

Why don't you float back over here?

I ain't float... I'm not floating on that.

Oh, yeah, you can.

You can do it. Oh, come on.

Why...?

I know you can, I know.

I don't want the wet spot!

You know what?

Oh, you love that juice cocktail.

Oh, man, you're lucky I like you a ton.

(grunts) Floating on my floater.

Juices? Oh, no! No! No, no, no.

What's wrong with that? What are you gonna call it?

How about bitters? Or a spritz?

No, those are mixology terms.

That's why I call it "love foam."

(groans)

That is horrific.

I'm sticking with juices.

Come on, what is it with you guys?

Every week is the same thing.

Talk about a bodily function and try to find a term for it.

It's getting redundant.

Well, Jenny and I don't have to worry about the wet spot, because she makes me wear a condom.

Andre: Oh!

What? (laughs)

You're married.

We wear it for birth control purposes.

Why doesn't she take the pill?

Because she's allergic to it.

They all say they're allergic to it.

She's allergic to it. She's allergic to it.

That's what they say, "She's allergic to it."

She's "allergic."

All allergic to the pill.

She's allergic to the pill, Ruxin!

Why don't you just man up, dude?

What do you to clean up the wet spot?

Sofia makes me put a towel down.

Whoa, you showed her, buddy.

You guys are going about this all wrong, okay?

You have to embrace the wet spot.

Do what I do-- I sleep in it.

Like a pig who lives in his own slop.

In this case, Meegan's slop.

Is the Andre and Meegan thing gonna replace the Pete and Kevin thing?

No, I look at it as an addition to a beautiful house that I'm building over time.

The real issue for me here is, no one knows who's responsible for this and who should sleep in it.

Like, is it mostly the guy's juices?

Or is mostly the women's stuff?

Well, are you having multiple orgasms?

You mean, like, we have sex multiple times?

No, I mean, how many times do you come in a row while you're having sex?

I come once.

Oh, like once for, like 45 minutes?

No, I have sex and I come for, like, two seconds, like, in a climax, like a normal person.

Dude, that's grade school sex.

I'm out of here. (groans)

45 minutes-- who has that time?

Oh, guess who came into the office the other day.

Who?

Frank "The Body" Gibiatti.

(both groan)

Is he finally transitioning?

He's dating this Russian girl and he wants to get her boobs done.

He wants them bigger, like a D cup.

And he wants them to have that little, like, up-turn thing?

What is that thing? Wha...?

Ski jump?

Like, a scoop.

Oh, like a soup ladle.

He calls it "a Jacksonville strip club waitress."

It's not bad.

That's pretty good. Not bad, but that's too vague.

Guys, this game is awesome!

(laughs) I love it.

What are you guys talking about?

Oh, we were just talking about that little uptick on a woman's breast and how to, uh...

What do you call...? What to call the...

Come on, it's just pathetic.

Half pipe!

Yes. Yes. That's good.

'Cause it comes...

Hola, Ruxin.

Taco Tuesday-- how do you like it?

More like Tetanus Tuesday.

I need my own personal meal.

What, you got a problem with family style?

That's how we do it up here.

I don't want to dig in the trough with these hooved stink sprinklers.

Oh, don't be such a wuss, man.

I spent six years in a fraternity house, all right?

One time I took one of those little marshmallow Peeps, and I crinkled it up into this tiny little ball, and I shoved it up a pledge's butt.

And then I made him fart it into my mouth.

(laughs) Taught him a lesson that day.

And they say that frat guys are secretly gay.

Right? (scoffs)

Look, I need my own personal lunch.

Well, you can forget that, amigo.

Because, unless you got some sort of no-kidding dietary restriction, like a religious problem or some sort of wussy allergy, it ain't happening.

Well, I am a... (clears throat) Jewish kosher person and I need a kosher meal.

Whoa. I knew you were Jewish, but I didn't know you were, like, Jewish Jewish.

What is that supposed to mean?

You know, like, uh, like, uh, Jewish-Hanukkah Jewish.

Not like, you know, Jewish-beard Jewish.

With all the internal lawsuits that this law firm has recently dealt with, I would recommend that you listen to my needs.

And let's never forget what happened in Germany.

Oh, right, the company retreat-- I get it!

Cash bar at the final dinner?

I thought the dollar was strong against the Euro.

I thought I was doing everybody a favor!

Well, you weren't.

All right.

You get a kosher meal.

Good. Then... let's consider this a shalom.

Shalom.

And super shalom.

Yeah, do it.

Uh, uh...

Jenny: Wait a second. Are you forgetting something?

Ah, the clitoris!

Mm, yes.

The jewel of the South.

Yes, yes. Where are you, my little friend?

And a condom.

Aw, no, babe! Really?

Seriously, Kevin?

Every time we have to wear a condom?

Yes, every time we have to wear a condom.

What if we just saw what happens, play it by ear?

My ear can't get pregnant.

What if you drank caffeine the entire pregnancy and then just had a very small manageable child?

Oh, my God, you just proved why you're not father material.

I'm getting a condom.

Oh, really?

Oh, it's our last one.

Gonna have to buy some more.

I do not want to buy condoms.

It is, it is so embarrassing.

You don't feel weird and embarrassed when you go down that aisle?

No, I don't feel weird.

I-I buy your clothes.

This is just, like, clothes for your d*ck.

So, get dressed.

It's like an itchy Christmas sweater.

Aw.

I just don't want to eat family-style lunch with these people.

They're not my family, so why should I have a "style" lunch with a bunch of garbage monsters.

Ruxin, you're pretending to be kosher.

I'm pretty sure that sends you to Jewish hell.

No, I looked it up on Wikipedia.

There is no Jewish hell.

He sh**t, he scores! Whoa!

(laughs) Still undefeated!

Not bad, Taco.

You guys should consider taking up the sport.

It's about we find something we can all do together.

Taco, we all play in a league together.

No, I mean, like, a real group activity.

Something competitive.

All right, who's up next?

Not me. I'm out.

Nah, I'm good, thanks.

I'll play.

Why?

It's a mitzvah.

Plus, I'm gonna wing it as hard as I can at his head.

All right, you start.

Whoa!

You're supposed to try and get it in the hole.

I was-- the one above your shoulders.

Nowzick!

Frank the Body.

(groans) Gibiatti.

Oh, oh, hey!

What's going on?

Oh, what's going on?

I'll tell you. We got some big problems.

You massacred my girlfriend's titties.

What are you talking about?

Da! Da!

You know what that means?

That's Russian for "yeah."

"You messed up my tits, dawg."

Look at this.

This one is perfect.

This one is dog sh*t.

And I'm bringing this problem to you because you're the quack who underinflated her titties.

Oh, I think we have a bit of a Deflategate scandal on our hands.

Yes.

We do not have a Deflategate scandal, okay?

I assure you...

Pete: Well, hold on.

Let's see what kind of PSI we got going here.

What are the standards?

Three to four pounds per square inch.

Oh, do you measure them or you just honk 'em?

I do not "honk" breasts.

I bet you honk dicks, though.

I never have honked a d*ck.

I don't honk breasts.

I am a professional, and I can assure you that her implants-- your implants-- are within the proper guidelines.

You're a deflator.

Da.

All right?

Okay, maybe you're too rough with them.

Wha-- I am the most gentle lover, bro, I caress them...

I find that hard to believe.

How about I show you a video right now, bro?

No... Nobody wants to see a video, Frank.

14 seconds, I'm by myself.

Just watch it.

Oh, boy.

Hey, you know what?

People like different inflations.

That's all. I like a little under-deflated.

Yeah.

I'm-I'm-I'm like Aaron Rodgers.

I like to go overinflated, myself.

Look, I apologize if there's any misunderstanding...

Know what my lawyer's doing right now?

Studying the Torah.

You know what he's doing later on?

Suing your ass!

Da!

Kevin: I don't want to buy the condoms, babe. I can't do it.

All right, Kevin, I will get the condoms.

Fine.

I'll get the razors.

Great.

Teamwork!

(sighs)

You're gonna buy those cheap condoms?

(gasps)

I would go with these if I were you.

You're Randall Cobb.

I am.

You are on my team.

That's fantasy.

Let's talk real life.

A unplanned baby?

That's real.

Uh, no.

No, my husband and I, we are very smart about these things.

Randall: That guy?

He doesn't look smart about anything.

I think you got a baby daddy on your hands.

You do?

Does he ask for condom cheat days?

Yeah.

Do you think having a baby will fill a void for him?

Yes.

Do you know where your kitchen turkey baster is?

No.

Wow.

Oh, no!

What do I do?

Don't let him handle the condoms before sex.

Really?

Yeah.

A lot of people are trying to poke holes in 'em these days.

No!

Oh... oh!

Now I got you. Now I got you.

Do you know that you're my number one wide receiver on my team?

Oh, really?

All the guys were, like, totally slot-shaming me.

But it's, like, not fair at all, 'cause when the guys have all kinds of slots, they're players.

But when the girls do...

Double standard.

Yeah!

That's all right.

You're a confident woman.

Make your team as slotty as you can get it.

I'm gonna do that, Randall Cobb.

Be slotty, but remember... be safe.

Oh, got it!

♪ ♪

Ha-ha!

This is our best lunch ever!

Where is my kosher meal?

This is a callous disregard for my religious beliefs.

I feel like I am being persecuted and I'm starving.

I had a regular breakfast this morning, but I worked out, so it feels like I didn't eat anything.

Take it easy, home team.

Isn't today Yom Kippur?

Aren't you supposed to be fasting?

Yeah.

That's why I've got such low blood sugar and why I've just had this justified outburst.

Shalom.

I'm so hungry.

Wow.

Cut the crap, Ruxin, all right?

Everybody knows you're not kosher.

I'm very kosher.

Are you kidding?

I'm giving you the out! Take the out!

And I appreciate that, but my religion prohibits...

Oh, you know what?

Enough!

It doesn't matter anyway. You know why?

This firm is about to land a major client, Rabbi Shtotelman.

His family, uh, created the perforation of matzo.

Anyway, they're suing to protect their IP.

You are gonna keep being super Jewish and land this guy.

Well, I will help you, as a member of this firm, to land Rabbi Shtotelman.

Yes!

But, as a devout Jew...

Enough.

You got bacon bits on your face, man.

Give it a rest.

(Kevin and Jenny moaning in pleasure)

Jenny: Oh, God!

Good job!

Yeah, you did so good.

(exhales)

That was good.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Uh, I just want to be close to you, babe.

Why? We just had sex.

Just move over. I have no room.

No, babe, I'm...

Go, go, go!

(laughing): Stop, stop, stop!

Stop it...

Oh!

Kevin... what is that?

Did you pee?

I didn't pee.

That is a wet spot.

I don't know how that got there.

Randall Cobb was right!

You poked holes in this condom, didn't you?

What do you mean, Randall Cobb?

When did-- where did you see Randall Cobb?

I was talking to him at the drugstore...

Are you kidding me?

You met Randall Cobb and you didn't introduce me?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You were slightly occupied when your hand was trapped in that case like a bear trap.

Randall Cobb told me that you had baby daddy drama written all over you.

Randall Cobb doesn't know what's written all over me, okay?

Because I wore a condom.

I did. I dressed up my d*ck and I tied my d*ck laces in double knots.

Kevin...

All right? There.

Where did you get these?

I don't know.

My freshman orientation package.

God, how old are these, Kev...

Kevin, these were made in Yugoslavia.

The good old days.

They were made in a country that doesn't even exist anymore, Kevin.

Oh, so now I'm to blame for the fall of Communism?

What happened to the box I bought you?

I tried to open them, but I couldn't get the cellophane open, babe.

Look at these things.

I was pawing at them, but then a piece of cellophane got caught in the back of my throat 'cause I huffed it in...

You tell me what's harder, Kevin, opening a box of condoms or raising a third child?

Harder for whom?

Unbelievable.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wet spots!

Wet spots everywhere! (laughs)

Yeah, Kevin.

Wet spots everywhere!

Oh...

Ew...

♪ ♪

I'm fine with not having any more kids, I just don't want to wear condoms.

And I don't want any baby daddy drama with him, so we decided we need to come up with a final solution.

As a Jew, I don't love that term, but when in regards to Kevin's sperm, it works.

If, at the end of the season, I have a better record, she's gonna get her tubes tied.

When, at the end of the season, I have a better record, ol' Smoke Crotch over here gets snipped.

Well, I just want to say thank you for not bringing any more of your genetically diminished children into this world.

Well, that's it.

Gibiatti actually served me papers.

He's suing me over these implants.

You know, he may have a case.

I did nothing to tamper with those implants.

Andre, you've been caught taping your rivals' surgeries.

(ringtone playing)

Not funny. Shut up for a second.

Yeah. Uh-huh?

Right.

No, I will not...

Andre!

Tell us what's happening!

I'm on the phone with my lawyer.

Please...

Put it on speakerphone!

We're lawyers, too!

Hold on, hold on.

Yeah, yeah.

Go again. What do you got?

Look at the cut-off hoodie.

The scowl?

Andre is G-dash-D Bill Belichick.

I'm not giving up my phone.

I'll destroy it for you.

'Cause I have pictures on there.

And it also has all my slam lists.

He look likes Belichick.

But he's talking like Tom Brady.

I think he looks more like the courtroom sketches of Brady.

Yeah, well, I'm not settling.

What?

(people chattering, whooping, drums playing)

What is going on out there?

The neighbors having a party?

Yeah...

Jews don't do the outdoors.

Ah!

Missed!

What are you doing, Taco?

Who are these people?

Started my own bean bag toss league.

Who needs to play at the bar when you can play in a public park?

This is our backyard.

This is so much better.

At the bar, there's always a lineup for the bathroom.

Here, you just go wherever you want.

No, you don't go wherever you want.

No, you don't just go wherever you want, guys!

Kevin, be a good host.

Let him finish.

Who's next?

Pete...

Oh! Uh...

Wait, wait, wait.

Where did you get this?

Oh, I've been practicing with those all week.

I got them from the bean bag closet in your office.

No, no, no, no, no no.

These are breast implants.

I don't care what you do with your bean bags.

Taco is the deflater!

All right, everyone in the hot tub!

There hasn't been poop in there in over a year.

Ruxin: Rabbi Shtotelman, Mrs. Shtotelman, thank you so much for having me over for Shabbos.

And Mrs. Shtotelman, what a beautiful meal it is.

What a celebration of delicious starches and earth-toned foods.

(laughter)

Oh.

Thank you, Sven, yeah.

Don't mind him. He's our Shabbos goy.

Shabbos goy, huh?

Yeah. You know, the lights and the oven.

Turns it off and on.

Of course.

We can't use electricity, so we have a non-Jew present to take care of those responsibilities for us.

You have a Shabbos goy.

Of course I have a Shabbos goy, but I don't actually use one unless it's an emergency.

Oh, sweetheart.

Can you pass the applesauce?

Of course.

(phone buzzes)

(whispering): My QB.

I will get that for you, sir.

What?

Oh.

Oh, thanks, Sven.

Absolutely, sir, it is my pleasure.

As it was, I'm sure, getting that h*tler Youth haircut.

You know, I'm going to be honest, Rabbi.

Hmm?

I'm having a little bit of Shabbos goy envy.

If it's okay, Sven, would you mind scrolling through my phone and calling my Shabbos goy?

Absolutely, sir.

Uh, the name is Taco, but it will be under an emoji of an eggplant.

Libby (breathless): Oh, yeah. Isn't this good?

It's... it's pretty good.

Yeah.

I, uh...

And what about this?

Oh! Okay.

Oh, yes!

You know what?

You cannot always move all the action to my side of the bed.

That's encroachment.

What about the middle of the bed?

Like, neutral zone?

Not your side, not my side...

Yeah, but then we're both playing on a sloppy field.

Yeah, that's a good point.

It's like, uh...

Couch?

Ah...

I feel like couch is harder to clean than even sheets, you know what I mean?

This is a tough one.

Mm-hmm.

(gasps softly)

I got it.

Oh...

Oh, yeah...

The floor!

The answer to all of our problems.

Right?

You're a genius.

You're like a sexy Einstein, man.

(pounding at door)

You know how to get me going.

Uh, who is it?

It's Francis Gibiatti!

Oh, Frank "The Body."

Uh, it's open!

It's open?

Well, I mean, technically, it's broken, but...

I don't like to announce it.

Pete: Hey!

You're in a lot of trouble, dawg.

Speak English?

Yeah.

Hard pass.

Is Andre using breast implants to play Cornhole?

Yeah.

That dude is using underinflated titties.

Okay? And you're gonna testify on my behalf against your scumbag friend Nowzick. Fact!

You are gonna stand on that bench and point at your friend and say, "Your Honor, he did it."

Then Andre is going to spend the next ten to 15 years... with a lot of dicks in his butt.

That guy is going to be Old Country Buffet in jail.

He's gonna have a sneeze guard around his assh*le.

I don't understand why you need me to testify.

Dude, come on, man. I need you on this one, Pete.

You know, I'm not so sure I want to do that, honestly.

You're gonna do it!

Da!

Whoa...

Oh!

My angel!

If she broke her back, I swear to God I will leave her here.

(sniffs)

Did you two have sex on the floor?

We had sex in the bed, too.

Yeah, okay, well, guess what.

Now you're getting sued, too.

I don't really own that much.

And besides, that was mostly her.

Excuse me?

Oh, please, buddy.

I was not that excited.

Oh, are you kidding me?

You were juicin' it up, sister.

So now we're back to the juice thing?

Well, we need a better word.

We haven't found it yet.

Yeah, it's called "brine."

Ew.

Yeah.

Because it's salty and it tenderizes meat.

And you are so lucky that it's Shabbos.

Otherwise, my lawyer would be here right now, suing your ass...

(women yelp) Whoa!

(Frank and girlfriend groaning)

We had sex twice.

Yeah.

So my great-grandfather, he put in these perforations, and then that is what was brought back here and that is why you know the matzo as...

Taco: Aloha!

I am the Shabbos guy.

Shabbos goy, Taco.

Aloha.

(laughs) Whoo! Aloha.

Love the tuque, dude.

Whoo!

What a handsome young Shabbos goy.

(giggles) All right.

How can I help you Jews out?

Ruxin: Well, Sven is not Jewish, but, Sven, you can start by giving Taco my phone.

As you wish, sir.

Actually, we could use some help with the serving platters, Taco.

Oh.

Well, I was recently surfing on the Big Island of the Promised Land and I learned how to make poi.

Oh, that sounds exciting.

Mm-hmm.

Sven, dishes.

Right away, ma'am.

I will be helping out with dessert... in the kitchen.

Hmm.

Rabbi, if you could excuse me for a moment, one of my Torah studies scholars was recently injured and I need to replace him on my... team.

Excuse me for a moment.

Taco: What can I do for you, Ruspin?

(muttering): Just get on the waiver wire and find me a new quarterback.

Let's do this.

Uh... Nick Toon.

He's a wide receiver, Taco.

Dan Carpenter.

He's a kicker.

Are you having another stroke?

I'm about to.

"DraftKings: free games, huge prizes."

Quit playing around, you idiot.

(sighs) This is a very complicated religion.

If you're looking for a Torah studies scholar, Benjamin Schlomovitz.

He's the best.

Hmm, I'm looking at your team, Ruxin, and I'm not seeing a Schlomovitz.

But I am seeing a LeSean McCoy.

LeSean McCoy?

LeSean McCoy, actually, uh, was a very important member of the Philadelphia Jewish community and, then, for some reason, they let him go, and now he's part of the Buffalo Jewish community.

Uh, it's a very important congregation led by a new rabbi there, Rex Ryanstein, who loves feet.

Of Torah study.

McCoy?

Yeah.

That sounds Gentile.

It sounds very Gentile to me.

We should drop him.

Drop him.

No, don't drop him.

Drop him.

Don't drop him, Taco.

We want only Jews on this team.

Dropping him.

No, Taco!

Just go to the kitchen.

Jesus Christ.

Superstar.

Play probably written by a Jew.

Yes, master.

What are you doing on your phone?

I am fixing my fantasy football lineup.

That is not allowed on the Sabbath.

If fantasy football had been around when the Torah was written, it would have been allowed.

Cain and Abel would have k*lled each other on the virtual gridiron.

Abraham and Isaac would've been on a father-son team together.

I mean, think of the possibilities of amazing team names.

"Reggie and the Burning Bush" would've worked for biblical reasons but also because he was dating Kim Kardashian and it would have been an amazing STD joke.

You are a shame to your people and to your religion.

Fantasy football is my religion.

Nothing brings me greater spiritual enlightenment than picturing me taking my big, fat donger that is my team and slapping it in my friends' face, dropping loads on them like manna from heaven.

Sunday is my Sabbath.

And Mondays and Thursdays and Saturdays in December, baby.

Get the hell out of my house!

Get the hell out of my house!

Oh... oh...

Taco!

What the hell are you doing?

Well, you can't.

It's the Sabbath.

I'm gonna k*ll you!

Aloha...

Aloha!

Sven, you got a wet spot over here.

Mrs. Shtotelman: Oopsie.