02x13 - The Waiter

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Married". Aired: July 2014 to October 2015.
"Married" revolves around a long-time married couple, who are reminded that their close friendship is what drew them together in the first place, as they try to salvage their marriage.
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02x13 - The Waiter

Post by bunniefuu »

The Pasta Primavera.

This is chicken.

(short sigh)

I'm so sorry.

This is fine.

Don't worry.

I'll take care of you.

I'm counting on it.

The Primavera.


Excuse me?


This is not my fault. I swear.

It's okay.

I'll just settle for the chicken.

I don't want you to settle.

Then you eat it.

Would that make you happy?


How about a roll?


(echoes): Russ...

Russ: Uh...

Russ! Did you eat all these rolls last night?

You were night eating again.

Oh, shit.

The Waiter

Miranda: Am I driving or are we taking separate cars?


Sergio and Mike's... they're having a tequila tasting.

Oof. Yeah, I already know what tequila tastes like.

Although, you know what, I've never had it served to me by a couple of douche bags.

We're going.

No, I can't.

Lina is going out tonight and I told her I'd cover.

Look, the guys made me promise that I would bring you with me, so...

Why do they care if I come?

They want to talk business.

Secret business.

If I uber right now, would you be able to get my car back to the office in the morning?

I am off the clock, boss man. Ugh.

Come on.

Sorry about it.

(laughs softly) Oh...

Hey, hey. Hey. Hey, hey, hey, bro.

You got to check this shit out.

Okay, back down.

It's an old bank on Olympic.

We just signed the lease. Mike and I.

You're... gonna go into banking?

No, we're gonna convert it into a design space.

We're starting our own firm.

So you're quitting?

Did you show him the vault?

Not yet, man.

What the hell, man?

Show him the vault.

All right.

You see this giant metal door?


That's the vault where they used to keep all the cash.

And that's where Mike and I are gonna have our desks.

Miranda: How cool is that?

That's so... that's awesome.

Listen, Russ, we're big fans of what you do, think you're an amazing designer and we also think there's room for a third desk in that vault.

Russ: Let me ask you something. Hypothetically, is there... any chance that we could get health insurance through the school district?

(snorts, chuckles)

Look, I doubt I'll even make it to the end of the year.

Budget cuts.

Second grade is cutting back to only one TA, so it's between me and a guy who gives a shit.

(wry laugh)


You're not even gonna try?

He plays guitar.

So what?

Since when do you care about my job, anyway?

You're always saying I can quit whenever I want.

Well, yeah. You can. I just...

What if I wanted to switch things up, you know?

Like take a chance or a risk and-and do something different, you know, that's more fulfilling?

Do you?

I don't know.

It doesn't matter, you know?

If you can't keep a job, what's the point?

(doorbell rings)

Russ: Hey.

Hey, sorry we're late.

Abby and I were fighting.

We're not fighting.

I am.

Hey, did you know that Abby thinks it's okay to lie to someone that you're in a relationship with?

I didn't lie. I just... forgot to tell him that my parents are visiting.

Yeah. I had to find out from a seven year old like I am some kind of assh*le.

I really feel like Russ and Lina don't want to listen to us fight right now.

Are you kidding? Do you know how many of their stupid fights I've had to listen to?

We don't fight in front of you.

Oh, really?


Okay. Grandma's ashes.

Too many shoes.

Universal remote. Should I go on?

I think we got it.

That's not even...

Not enough coasters.


Fridge versus freezer.

Lina: Abby really cares about you.

Maybe she shouldn't have lied to me.

If I were you, I wouldn't push it.

Too late.

Already demanded a brunch.

Do you really think that's a good idea?


They're gonna love me.


I wish I had your confidence.

Hey, between breast-feeding and gravity, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I was talking about my job. Oh.

What's going on?

If I don't step up my game, they're not gonna bring me back next year.

So step it up.

Believe me. I tried to step it up.

I even brought in a worm.


I think you have to think a little bigger than that.

What if you invited a celebrity into the class?

Or maybe... the author of a hopefully soon-to-be bestselling children's book?


I could read Farmer Todd.

If the kids didn't respond to Ethel Worman, they're probably not gonna be into a dude reading a book.

What if we jazzed it up a little?

Farmer Todd Has A Problem is going to Broadway.

But first we're workshopping it at Valley Palms Elementary.

As a play?

As an adorable, socially relevant piece of edu-tainment.

That's great. Oh, that's great. Um...

Listen, when my parents get here, maybe don't talk about Farmer Todd or your drinking or, you know, your demons or how you went cuckoo, or...


Sorry, I-I just.. I don't know all the terminology.

I mean, you know, just be normal.

(scoffing chuckle) Normal, huh?

(door opens, bells jangle)

Mom. Dad.

This is AJ.

And I'm totally normal. Hm.

Now, AJ, what is it you do?

I'm a author.

How lovely.

Tell us a little bit about the stuff you've written.

I'm not really allowed to talk about it.

AJ's a very successful lawyer.

Not anymore.

Like John Grisham... you quit to do what you love.

Good for you.

Not exactly.

I had some... medical issues, and my partners bought me out.

Is everything okay?

If it's a prostate thing, I've got a guy.

No, everything is great.

I just wish I had more time to spend with you guys.

You're going?

Oh, Abby didn't tell you?

I-I have another engagement.


I've taken care of the bill.

Have a lovely visit.

You can't stay longer, honey?

No, I can't.


He's really busy.

This is... totally normal.

He's very normal.

(sighs) All right, uh, bad news.

Gil wants to see new stuff before the weekend.

I know. I know.

Aren't you sick of taking orders from that clown?

Yeah, you know what, you're always taking orders from someone... bosses, clients, you know? What does it matter?

Not if you come to the vault. We'll all be partners.

We'll just argue with each other.

Come on, man, seriously. This is a big opportunity.

Look, the idea of becoming a partner somewhere is exciting, but I have security here.

Do you?

I mean, Gil has us stealing designs from everywhere.

What happens when this job is over and Gil's ruined your reputation?

Then maybe I'll come work for you guys.

Maybe then... we won't have a position open.


Lina: I started and then I couldn't stop.

We have corn. Um, the barn...

And, um... your milk.

Farmer Todd is coming to life.

Really? It's crazy. I-It is becoming a living, breathing thing. I-It's...

Thank you.

All right.

Let's start rehearsal.

We're haveing a little bit of a wardrobe issue with Farmer Todd.

Because Farmer Todd has these dum-dum overalls.


I like the overalls.

Bernie: They're a little on the nose.

What-what about this, what about tight jeans, wife beater, moto boots, real...

Tom of... Tom of Finland vibe.

That's only good if you're farming nightmares.

Abby: Hey, theater people.

I brought coffee.

Okay, we're-we're very busy.



I'm sorry.

I know you're mad at me.

I just wanted my parents to like you.

I get it. I embarrass you.


That makes sense.

No, you-you... I just turn into this, like, 15-year-old version of myself when I'm around my parents.

Let me make it up to you. Do you want to... do something after the play?

I don't know how I'll feel after the play.

I don't have a crystal ball.



So... it's happening.

(whispers): What is happening?

Well, Sergio and Mike talked to a few clients and there was a real openness to the clients moving with them.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Which clients?

These guys.

(wry chuckle) If all these clients left, I might be out of a job.

Not if you went with them.

Do you really think those guys can pull this off?

I don't know, but just promise me that, if you do leave, you'll take me with you.

Absolutely. I would bring you on as a designer.


Yeah. Totally.

You're crazy talented.

(laughs) Really?

Your stuff is awesome.

Oh, my... (kisses)

You... are awesome.


Have you had a chance to look over the menu?

What's good today?

Everything is good.

Just bring whatever.

I just want to bring you what you want.

Surprise me.



Everything okay?

I can't make her happy.

Forget about her.

You have me.


You can have me whenever you want.

(steam hissing)

Where are we going?

Anywhere you want.

Maya: Daddy?

Daddy? Daddy, stop!


Dad, stop!


Stop, dad.

That was for mommys play.

Oh shit.


I need more milk.

Where's that durn cow?

You forgot your line, Alex.

I'll handle it.


I'd like to tell you a little story about a kid, just like you, named Bernie.

(sighs) So, a long time ago, Bernie was also in a school play, just like this one.

And he was so excited for it, but... he screwed around and never learned his lines.

Well, the the night of the play came, and he forgot what he was supposed to say... and it ruined the play, and he was humiliated, and that was the night his mom left his dad for the local weatherman.

So, if you would like your mom and dad to stay married...

Lina: Hey, Bernie!

Maybe you should learn your g*dd*mn lines.

Bernie, from now on, you stay in character, and I'll work with the actors, okay?

Will, you, though? Will you?

Let's take five minutes. (Bernie sighs)




Um... so... did you talk to Gil?


Are we quitting?

I... I haven't had a chance.

Do you think it'll happen before happy hour? (laughs)

'Cause I'm getting ready to celebrate.

I'm buying.

Oh... in that case, let met get on it. Let me get right to it.



I can't wait to see what you put together.

Oh, thank you.

I don't think we've ever had a T.A. put on their own play before.

It's very impressive.

Um, I'm so sorry. Can I just...?

Will you excuse me for one second?


Thank you. Okay. Bye.

Hey. Have you seen Russ?

He swore he was gonna be here.

We have bigger problems.

I can't find Farmer Todd.


Come on.

So, is it done?

Are we ready to start our new lives together?

Uh... I, uh...

I did talk to Gil.


And, um, things are, uh... they're not gonna... work out like we talked about.


Which, I think, in the long run, is actually good, 'cause, uh, I don't know it's such a good idea that you and I, uh... work together anymore.

Um... can... can I ask why?

You're great. You really are.

You know? You're young, and you're beautiful.

You are... exotic.

Um... and I don't think you'll have any trouble at all finding somebody else.

What?! Oh, my God, no.

I was just, like, excited about everything.

I know. I...

I didn't mean it to turn into this.

I mean, you did... you did kind of, you know, sexually...?

Are you kidding me? I don't love you.

In fact, I kind of, like, hate you right now.

To be honest.

So, you don't...?




Sergio: Hey, hey.

Russ. What up?

So what's the verdict?

Mike: Are you ready to have your name on the vault?



Oh, there he is.

Excuse me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Oh, be careful.

What's going on, Bernie?

Lina: We're... we're-we're about to start.

Oh, you feel that?

That's a low-pressure system coming in.

I think it's a Santa Ana.

You see, Mommy, I know about the weather.

Don't do this, man. Don't do it.

I've never been to a farm.

How am I supposed to play a farmer?

(thudding, glass clinking)

What's up, boners?

Lina: Oh, my God.

You guys are ready to party?

Are you drunk?

I am. Yes, right.

Jesus What?

I was celebrating on account of the fact that I just saved the family.

Saved the family? Saved from what?

From me taking a lower-paying job without health insurance.

I had to do some, like, trick business stuff, some double-crosses and switcheroos.

And you want credit for that? No.

I want credit for not banging my assistant.

'Cause she was in love with me.

Stop talking. Stay here. Guys... it's showtime.


Okay, come on. Bernie, that means you. Let's go.

Mommy was right.

I don't deserve love.

So long, Broadway.

(Lina sighs heavily)



About the play.

So, it turns out that our lead actor has come down with a very bad case of... of...

Look, I think I like my job now, and I really don't want you to f*re me.

(switches clack)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...

Oh, um... cows and pigs.

Enjoy the show?

Welcome to the world premiere of...

Farmer Todd has a problem.

Oh boy, oh boy.

Does he have a problem.

Maya: Farmer Todd?

Farmer Todd?

Russ: Now?


(audience murmuring)


Hey, give me that milk.

You've had enough milk today.

Uh, I will tell you when I've had enough.

I'm worried about you.

Well, yeah. Well...



AJ: All right, all right, we all know burping is funny.

But there are lots of other things that happen when we drink too much, and they're not all funny, hmm?

(door opens, shuts)

You see, all the animals on the farm... they love Farmer Todd, and when you love someone, you don't pretend that they don't have a problem.

You support them.



(piano playing, applause) And then the sheep wiped away his tear, and said...

And if you don't get help, you're gonna die, because...

All: Farmer Todd, you have a problem.

(Lina laughs)

(applause and cheering)


Well, thank you guys.

Thank you so much. Hey, remember, just say no... no matter how good the cut is, okay?

Great job.

Oh, my God. Hi.

My parents loved the play.

Very interesting. And entertaining.

Thank you so much for coming.

Abby insisted.

Is that right?


Um, did you guys know that AJ wrote the play based on his own problems with alcohol?


Well, that's great.

AJ: Well, it's also about my problems with cocaine...

Mm-hmm. and laxatives.

(Russ burps)

(Russ groaning) Are you all right?

Mm-hmm. I'm fine.

Is he okay?


He has stage fright.

Post-production stage fright.

Oh. Oh.


(Russ groans) Um, about the show.

I'm sorry. I know it was a little weird.

I loved it.

You did?

I-I did.

Uh, I know how it feels to be that little cow.

I used to be that little cow.

(Russ groaning) With my Nana.

Anyway... amazing work.

And I'm going to do everything I can to bring you back here next year, okay?

(groaning) Okay. Okay.





Did I save the family again?



What you did out there? Mm-hmm.

That was Broadway level shit.

(both laugh)

It was. It was awesome.

You know what?

I'm starting to get it.


Why your assistant fell in love with you.

Yeah. That... didn't really happen.

I know.

But I was cool letting you think it did.

You're the best.

No, no.

Let's... let's just high five.


Farmer Todd needs a mint.

What?! No.


Like a Listerine strip.

How about nothing?

(laughing) Get off of me!

You're so gross! Ew! (laughs)
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