02x06 - The Trouble with Jessie (aka The Trouble with Tessie)

[bunniefuu]

Good morning.

Good morning.

Can I help you?

That depends.

Do you know a five letter word that means sorceress?

Huh?

Uh, that's three letters.

You're not very good at this.

For a stranger who snuck into our penthouse at 7:00 AM, you're pretty judgmental.

I didn't sneak in. I live in the building. Tony let me up.

He said I looked trustworthy.

Tony thinks the guy who sells solid gold watches for ten bucks is trustworthy.

I'm Stuart Wooten.

I'm in love with Zuri.

Good luck with that.

Zuri, your friend's here to play!

Ah, the beautiful Princess awakens from her slumber, brightening the Earth and all who inhabit it.

Ugh!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh.

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

♪ It feels like a party every day.

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way.

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie.

♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around.

♪ They got me going crazy.

Yeah, they're shaking the ground.

♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town.

♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down.

♪ Hey Jessie.

♪ Hey Jessie.

♪ It feels like a party every day.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie.

Jessie: I don't care if he annoys you! You need to be nice to him!

I'm sure they're not talking about you.

(Laughing politely)

Sit.

Good morning, Zuri.

I was just speaking of our enchanting encounter in the lobby last week.

All I said was you had toilet paper stuck to your shoe.

Yep, this guy's a catch.

Zuri, may your relationship be as comfortable and strong, as the two-ply T.P. that stuck to Stuart's shoe.

We're not in a relationship.

I'm way out of his league.

Zuri! A girl never says something like that.

We think it, but we don't say it.

No, she's right.

But a guy can dream.

And I do!

Aw, that's sweet.

Stuart, why don't you come to the park with Zuri and me?

I'd love to! I'm gonna go get my playground pants.

I can't believe you did that.

It's on you if someone "accidentally" tumbles off the climbing wall.

Are you guys coming?

We may need witnesses.

No can do.

Ravi and I DVR'd Mixed Martial Arts Mania last night, and we're going to watch it, in the screening room.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Not so fast.

Bertram and I are watching a Couture Cooking Marathon in there.

Huh.

I never thought I'd hear the words...

"Bertram" and "Marathon" in the same sentence.

Guys, just figure out a way to share the screening room.

Okay, we'll work out a fair solution.

(Chuckles)

The big screen is ours!

Hey, Tony!

Hey, Jessie!

Stuart, will you give me some space!

I only need one shadow.

Your eyes sparkle like the ocean.

My eyes are brown.

Your eyes sparkle like the Hudson River.

Guess what? I made us Tessie T-shirts.

Who's Tessie?

Us! Tony and Jessie.

Ta-da!

Wow, this is great!

And you are rocking those pearls!

You gotta get me the name of your shirt guy.

I can see it now...

Zoo-ert.

Jessie, can I see your phone?

Yeah.

There's this great new app for couples like us.

This way, I can track you wherever you go!

Why don't you just put a chip in my neck?

Hey, Zuri, can I see your phone for a...

No.

Okay.

I'm so excited! Three straight hours of Couture Cooking and the finale is finally here!

Supermodels sassily saute while they sashay and flambe.

Yay!

Yay!

That's it! It is our turn to watch MMA!

Enough with your stupid cooking show.

All day we have avoided finding out who won the match, so we could watch on the big screen like the Gods intended!

We can't wait one more second to find out who won!

Okay.

"Bone Crusher" Flanagan b*at "Skull Smasher" Rodrigo!

With a tap out in the fifth round.

No!

No!

You ruined the match for us!

Whoa!

Not nice, Emma.

Funny. But not nice.

Jessie! I found out how to get away from Stuart.

By playing hide and seek.

Three...

Four...

Five...

Now's our chance. Let's run!

We can't. I told Stuart's parents I'd watch him.

Besides, he knows where we live.

We'll find a new place before he finishes counting.

It's a buyer's market.

(Panting)

Need to ask you a question.

Geez, you're really out of breath.

The building's not that far. I've had longer runs in my stockings.

I want to ask if you would come to a special dinner at my family's Italian Restaurant tomorrow night.

And you can meet my parents!

Meet...

Meet your parents?

(Hyperventilating)

Whoa! You're out of breath and you're just standing there?

We should get a gym membership together.

Twenty!

You're it! You didn't hide very well.

You must really want me to find you.

Stuart, I think we should have a little chat on top of the climbing wall.

Howdy, neighbor!

Zuri, where did this come from?

It was a gift from Stuart.

I figure, for as much as he's bugging me, I might as well get a house out of it.

Wow. I could learn a thing or two from you.

Yes. Yes, you could.

You look like something's on your mind.

Let's chat in the kitchen.

Oh! That'd be great.

Oh, you meant your kitchen.

Talk to me, sister.

Well, Tony is an amazing guy, but first it was the T-shirts, and then the couples app, and now he wants me to meet his parents!

I'm not ready to take such a big step.

You need to relax.

It's not like he's asking you to move in with him.

(Intercom buzzes)

Tony: Hey, Jessie. Will you come with me to look at an apartment that I found?

I want to make sure you love it before I take that big step.

I think. I'm gonna. Be sick.

I couldn't hear 'ya.

Zuri: Not in the playhouse!

Not in the playhouse!

Well, it took four hours, but we've recreated the winning cake from Couture Cooking.

Hey, we just wanted to say we totally forgive you guys for ruining the MMA fight.

Looking back, shrieking that I wish I could chop you up and feed you to Mrs. Kipling!

Might have been a slight overreaction on my part.

That's what you said in Hindi?

I thought you were ordering take-out.

No wonder the food's not here yet.

You might be interested to know we discovered a way to view the match.

As long as you're not watching it in the screening room tonight.

We have the premiere of Runways and Ravioli.

(Whistling)

Bone Crusher!

Skull Smasher!

(Bertram gasps)

Who are these guys?

Duh. Bone Crusher and Skull Smasher.

They are being paid to recreate the bout that you spoiled for us.

How much is your allowance?

The question you should be asking yourself is, (Gasps) "Where's my wallet"?

On your mark! Get set! Mix it up!

Oh! Oh! Watch the cake! Watch the cake!

Oh, I sure hope nothing bad happens to it.

Yes, it is awful when something you care deeply about is ruined.

My cake!

My dress!

Mm.

It is true what they say...

Revenge is sweet.

Ha-ha!

Ha-ha!

Tony, are you sure you want to go through with this?

I mean, I thought you loved living in your mom's scrap booking room.

I think she wants me gone.

This morning I woke up and the words "get out" was spelt in glitter on my forehead.

Pretty great, huh?

And only two thousand bucks a month.

You'd think $2,000 would get you one window.

Or less mold spores.

Oh, I got a window.

Ah!

Really opens up the place.

But your bed can't even go all the way down.

The landlord said it's actually good to sleep with your feet elevated.

He says I could use more blood flow to my brain.

And this neighborhood is so dangerous!

Nah. It's family-friendly.

See, some kid drew a chalk outline of a man at the bottom of the air shaft.

Tony, this is a bad idea.

No, it's not. I've been thinking a lot about my future, and I'm ready to start the next phase of my life.

You want to start the next phase of your life in a place where you can flip an egg from the toilet?

Absolutely!

That's gonna be a real time saver in the morning!

Or is it gonna be weird when there's two people living here?

(Stammering) Two people?

Isn't this place small enough?

And the walls seem to be closing in. Can we go?

Yeah, we should get ready for dinner anyhow.

I can't wait for you to meet my folks.

Trust me, this is going to be a night to remember.

(Screaming)

Hi, honey. Welcome home!

How did you get in here?

I let him in.

Woo-hoo! You know I can't stand Stuart.

I know.

That's why I did it.

Stuart, get out! I don't want you here!

Sounds like someone needs a foot massage.

I'll go get my oils.

(Groaning)

Men.

Boys.

Tell me about it.

I'm pretty sure Tony wants me to move in with him.

And, I'm meeting his parents tonight!

I know just how you feel.

Stuart invited me to meet his turtles.

And they're both named Zuri!

Plus, Tony said this would be, "a night to remember".

Do you think he's gonna propose?

Why wouldn't he?

Ugh! If only I weren't so charming and cute!

I share the same burden.

Dimples are a curse.

Wait. Just in case, you're coming to dinner with me tonight.

He'd never ask me to marry him with a little kid hanging around.

Make that two little kids!

A double date is a great idea.

Zuri and I need some couple friends.

No, we don't.

I have to go put on my dinner pants.

He was here the whole time?

It's unbelievable, right?

I had an easier time getting rid of lice.

Oh boys!

We have a surprise for you!

Whatever you have planned for us, just know we're armed.

Yes. I have a water balloon filled with permanent ink, and I am not afraid to use it.

(Popping)

(Stammering in disbelief)

(Laughing)

Wrong target, but just as funny.

Idiots.

Look...

Bertram and I are willing to give you first dibs on the screening room from now on.

If you stop messing with us.

You just have to sign a peace treaty that we've put out on the terrace.

Never!

I set up a buffet.

Dude, why didn't you just lead with that?

Hey, it's cold out here!

I built you a fire, but that was mostly so you couldn't crawl back through.

(Both laughing)

Wah!

Ah!

Ow! You're crushing me!

We knew you'd head towards the screening room, right into our booby-trap!

Who are the idiots now?

Uh, I think it is a tie.

Because now there is no one to let us back in!

And I am colder than a Himalayan Mountain goat's tootsies.

Me, too.

But the sight of Bertram's butt in Emma's face makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Oh! Oh, Tony, this is great! Very family friendly.

Not romantic at all.

Tony, is this you opening the door?

Yep, this is where I got my start.

I still got those training Epaulets.

Maybe someday I'll pass them on to my son.

Okey-dokey. Let's get our grub on!

There's my bambino!

Hey!

Oh!

You must be Jessie. I'm Carmella.

And this is my husband, Angelo.

But when you're here, call us Mama and Papa.

It'll be fun!

(Chuckles awkwardly)

So fun!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ow!

Totally worth it.

(All chuckling)

Tony, is this your grandfather?

Nope.

Never seen that guy before.

Ah, yay!

Come on, let's eat. Come on.

Those are all relatives.

It's a Chicolini family tradition to propose in this Restaurant.

(Chuckles nervously)

Really?

My family has a tradition to never...

Accept a proposal in an Italian Restaurant.

That's a weird coincidence.

Lean!

A little harder. (Grunting)

I got it!

Okay, great. Now cut us down!

With cheese?

You were supposed to grab the scissors!

Sorry. I figured we'd be here a while.

Jessie, someone really wants to meet you.

This is Tony's grandmother, Elda.

(With mouth full) Very nice to meet you.

(Whispering indistinctly)

Elda says you eat like a toddler, but she's willing to overlook it because you have excellent child-bearing hips.

Check!

Will you all excuse us?

Zuri and I need to use the ladies' room.

But I don't have to go...

Well, then, why don't you wash your hands, you've been eating that greasy squid!

That was squid?

Come on.

Listen, Zuri. We have to get out of here before Tony has a chance to propose!

Can you pretend to be sick?

Being out with Stuart, I won't need to pretend.

I've been holding back my barf all night.

Good. I might ask you to let it rip.

Hey, guys, bad news.

Zuri isn't feeling too...

(Gasps) Ooh! Tiramisu!

Hand me a big girl fork!

(Whimpering)

Ravi, if you really have to pee that bad, just...

Go in the plant.

Forgive me, ficus!

(Zipper unzips)

Ravi: Ah!

(Screams)

Oh, and don't aim into the wind.

Ravi: Now you tell me.

Okay, guys, finish up your desserts.

We really should be going before...

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Hey, where'd this ring come from?

Tony, don't be coy!

Look, you are amazing, and I really like you, but if you think this is happening, you're a few meatballs short of a Chicolini Bottomless Spaghetti Plate!

What are you saying?

Maybe I can shed some light on this situation...

Not now, Stuart!

Okay.

Tony, what I'm saying is that I am extremely flattered, but, no, my answer is no.

I cannot marry you, Tony.

What?

Jessie, I really think you want to hear...

Stuart! Grown-up talk!

But that's my ring!

Zuri's ring, actually.

It's a promise ring I got for you.

Aw, Stuart...

Okay, I'll take the ring, but I'm not promising anything.

You thought I was proposing?

Well of course! You said this would be "a night to remember".

Sure, because I knew we could get a free meal!

And you wanted to share your apartment!

It's 2,000 bucks a month!

I'm gonna split it with my cousin, Dominic!

He has more square footage than your apartment.

Listen, Jessie, you're the greatest girl ever.

But I don't want to get married for years and years and years and...

Whoa!

Let me get this straight.

I'm just supposed to just wait around in my Tessie T-shirt for years and years and years, until you are ready to make a commitment?

Quick. Get all the knives off the table.

You...

You guys heard all that?

All of Brooklyn heard it.

Elda's web casting it.

I still can't believe I did that.

I can't imagine what Tony must be thinking.

He's probably thinking how he's gonna get his cousin Dominic, up four flights of stairs.

I am having the worst night ever!

(Scoffs in disbelief)

Maybe the second worst.

Help us!

Let us in!

Cut us down!

I really need to wash my hands!

Do you know what this means?

We're surrounded by nitwits?

Yes... but also the screening room's free!

I can finally watch that Channing Tatum movie.

Thank you.

Zuri, hurry!

Sit tight, it takes me an hour to cut a piece of paper with these babies...

So this could take a while.