02x08 - Teacher's Pest

[bunniefuu]

Darla just had to email me every detail about the trip she and her boyfriend took to Rio.

The most exotic place Tony's ever taken me is The Empanada Garden.

Hey, nothing says I love you like a deep-fried meat pillow.

(Zuri chuckling)

Zuri?

What are you doing in the dumbwaiter?

I put you on the bus.

The bus has two doors.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm playing Oprah and Gayle with my dollies.

Come here.

Why aren't you in school?

The more important question might be, do my parents know you both just sit around when we're not home?

Hey, I am researching kitchen cleaners!

Your mother hates it when the stainless steel gets streaky.

She can't see herself in the fridge.

Why don't you want to go to school?

Because Ms. Falkenberg is the meanest teacher in the world!

How could she be mean to you?

You're so adorable.

I know, right?

Absolutely.

Whatever you say, Oprah.

Zuri, I'm sure you're exaggerating, but tomorrow I start volunteering as your class aide, so I'll see for myself what's going on.

Wait, wait, wait. So tomorrow I get the apartment to myself?

I get to play my music as loud as I want!

(Chuckles)

The new Mozart album just dropped.

(Hoots excitedly)

Bertram, you're a wild man.

(Chuckles)

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪
♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

(School bell ringing)

Zuri, Zuri, Zuri. Hi! Look at your face!

Hi, I'm Zuri's nanny. That's me.

Hi, Ms. Falkenberg. My name's Jessie...

(Chuckles)

I'm your new classroom aide.

Oh, okay. I brought lunch, a juice box, and safety scissors.

I think Zuri has everything that she needs.

They're for me.

Now, class, while Ms. Perky Pants is passing out the worksheets, who here can tell me a country that borders Germany.

Why do we need to know where Germany is?

That's the Internet's job.

Zuri Ross, we have heard your opinion one too many times this morning.

(Chair dragging)

(Snickers)

And I think she had one too many burritos for dinner last night.

(Kids laughing)

It was the chair!

Zuri Ross, that's it. Once again, you are first on the Naughty Board.

Not again!

Oh, yes, again!

(Sighs)

Zuri. I'm so sorry. She's much better behaved at home.

Jessie, I think we both know that's not true.

She's mean, but she's not an idiot!

Enough, Mrs. Kipling, I am sick of your moody behavior!

Bertram: Ravi! What is going on here?

I was deep into my pre-bedtime nap.

It is not me. Talk to the irascible reptile.

(Grunts)

(Gasps)

(Sobs)

My World's Best Butler mug!

I had to buy it for myself, but that doesn't make it any less precious!

What are you two fighting about?

I merely suggested Mrs. Kipling cut back on the crickets to lose the baby weight.

And suddenly, she comes down on me like a Mumbai monsoon!

(Growling)

You started it.

I've never seen you two fight. I thought you were the best of friends.

We used to be.

But 12 kids really take a toll on a relationship.

Even four kids is enough to make you want to end it all.

Ever since the babies left, Mrs. Kipling has been so moody and snappish.

We need a break.

I am going someplace where I know I will feel truly welcome.

Hello, roomie!

Hey, brother, I am moving in!

Uh, if the lizard smell has finally gotten to you, you've chosen the wrong room for fresh air.

It is not the cage that stinks, it is Mrs. Kipling's attitude.

(Sighs)

I can no longer share a room with her.

Luke, please do for me this solid.

I'd... I'd really love to have you here, but...

Great, I would love to have me here, too!

Oh, thank you, bro!

Am I correct to assume, the standard "no jumping on the bed rule" does not apply in here?

Nope!

This is a rule-free zone. (Chuckles)

Although clearly, not a germ-free zone.

Hey! I think I remember this birthday!

Mmm.

Eh, it's kind of dry.

And fuzzy.

Oh, if you let me stay, perhaps I can turn this cake into an A-Plus science project for you.

What else do I get?

The infinite joy of helping your brother?

The time to bond and find the elusive camaraderie we have both been seeking?

Am I correct to assume you want money?

Bingo.

A gazillion is not a real number.

Is Ravi in here?

Mrs. Kipling is in my closet, cuddling my faux lizard pumps.

Ravi, you have to come get her!

No, I am giving her her space.

No, you're giving her my space.

Please, sister, I need some "guy time" with my bro, doing "guy type" things.

Now, Luke, let us color coordinate your closet.

So, now that you've seen Falkenbooger in action, you get that she's a nightmare, right?

Yeah, she's not very good with kids.

Or adults.

Even the class gerbil was spelling out "help me" in food pellets.

I'll accept my apology in any of the three B's.

Bucks, bacon or bedtime extensions.

Hey, Ms. Falkenberg may be a pain, but you were out of line, too.

I was always the teacher's pet and I'm gonna teach you all of my tricks.

So, the bacon's off the table?

Good morning, Ms. Falkenberg.

Ooh, what is this?

I thought you deserved something as sweet as you are.

And speaking of sweet, way to rock that pantsuit.

Oh, why, thank you. I got it when I bid on a storage locker.

All right, class.

Tell me...

What do we see here?

Anyone?

Well, I see Paris...

I see France.

Zuri Ross.

Tell me, what do you see?

So help me, you do not see anyone's underpants!

I see a country known for its gothic architecture, haute cuisine, and modernist philosophy.

And a vision of loveliness standing next to it.

Zuri Ross, I don't know what shenanigans you're trying to pull...

But it's not going to work.

Excusez-moi? I am just eager to learn.

Oui, oui?

(Gasps) Toilet talk? That's it.

Corner, now.

What? Zuri's been a perfect Angel all day!

That's not fair.

Oh, and now it's you who's being disruptive.

Jessie Prescott, you're on the Naughty Board.

(Gasps)

But... no, wait. I've never had my name on the Naughty Board!

All of my teachers loved me.

Well, then you must have been home schooled.

(Gasps)

You! Corner! Now!

Nobody puts Jessie in the corner!

Oh.

Except you.

I can't believe you cleaned my room!

Oh, now what are you doing?

Burning Sage rids the room of negative energy.

And hopefully, that lingering armpit smell.

Uh, hello? That is my manly musk.

More like boyish B.O.

(Sighs)

(Chanting loudly) Om.

Om.

(Chanting) Um...

Do you mind?

I'm trying to read pictures.

Can't you just make up with Mrs. Kipling?

(Chants) No.

Ravi: No.

Oh, great. Now I lost my place.

(Alarm rings)

Ah.

(Growls)

Now see, Mrs. K. isn't this more fun than hanging out with my shoes?

(Scoffs) What am I saying?

Nothing is more fun than hanging out with my shoes. (Chuckles)

(Growls)

I know! This pink nail color is supes cute!

I'd lend it to you, but that would be crazy.

Because you're an autumn.

Well, I really should go do some homework.

Ooh, you're right!

An animal print belt would look great with this robe.

Okay, I guess we can go shopping again.

But, only if you promise not to eat any more mannequins.

(Growls)

So class, your science project this afternoon will be to prove that the Little Engine actually couldn't.

(School bell rings)

Lunch!

Jessie, run! Save yourself!

No! I'm going to make her like me, uh, for your sake, of course.

I trust you've finished your sentences?

Yes. I wrote "teacher's aides should be seen, and not heard".

500 times.

Oh. Even my third-graders know how to make a cursive "B".

Hey, why don't I sweep your classroom?

Put that down! That's not a broom, that's my Firebolt of victory!

And this is my Dustpan of Doom!

I'm sorry, I don't know what we're talking about.

I play Muggle Quidditch.

Oh! Oh, right, right. Firebolt, yeah.

It's been a while since I hopped on one of these bad boys.

You... you play?

Uh, yeah. Didn't Zuri tell you I love Mug Quib... (Stammers)

What you said.

Did you know? I used to be on an official team, till everyone started leaving to play Vampire Baseball.

Don't you hate it when people don't stay loyal to their young adult fantasy sports genre?

Uh...

Uh, it's only my number one pet peeve!

(Chuckles)

To tell you the truth...

Mmm-hmm.

Ever since the Long Island Longbottoms disbanded...

I've been in a bit of a bad mood.

Really?

Yeah, I don't think anyone noticed.

Hey!

Mmm-hmm.

Would you want to play Quidditch in the park this weekend?

Uh, man, I would love to but...

You know, I have all these sentences to rewrite.

Sigh.

Oh, forget about those!

So, I'll see you Saturday?

(Chuckles)

Last one there is a blatching Slytherin!

What? Then I'd better leave now! (Chuckles)

So, you got to help me get Ravi out of my room!

He won't stop cleaning!

Give him a few years. He'll give up, like I did.

And Mrs. Kipling is driving me crazy!

I had to spend all day with her in the makeup department, and it's official.

There's no way to match her scale tone!

We've got to find a way to get those two crazy kids back together, before Ravi makes me look at paint swatches.

I don't even know what a swatch is, and I'd like to keep it that way!

Come on, please help us!

Fine. But, what's in it for me?

A gazillion is not a real number.

Hey, Zuri. Can we talk about Ms. Falkenberg?

Yeah. I don't know what you said to her, but she was in the best mood all afternoon.

Our only homework is to watch TV.

Hmm.

Which, ironically, makes me not want to do it.

Yeah. She's been texting me a lot.

I wanted to get her to like me, but I think I may have overdone it.

Don't panic. Even if she is a level five clinger, it's not like she knows where we live.

(Elevator dings)

I found you.

Uh-oh. She might be a level six.

(Chuckles nervously)

How did you get our address?

Confidential school records, silly!

(Chuckles)

Apparently not so confidential.

Hey, I thought we could go over some team plays, so we can dive right in at Quidditch practice tomorrow.

Ah.

Hey, star student.

Why aren't you watching TV?

Oh, all right.

Ha, ha, ha.

Scamp.

Ms. Falkenberg, this really isn't a good time.

I'm so sorry.

I guess I'm just so glad that I finally found friend who gets me.

Hey!

Hey.

Do you want to go to dinner before practice tomorrow?

Oh... oh, I would love to, I don't like to eat before a big game.

Oh, that's right. That's right.

We'll go after.

Okay.

(Chuckles)

All right well, see you tomorrow, bestie!

(Chuckles)

Hey, and don't forget to study those plays tonight.

Try and stop me.

This is working out great!

Uh, for you! Ms. Falkenberg and I don't have anything in common.

You have me in common.

And if you want me to keep being a "star student," you're going to jump on that broom tomorrow and work it like a Pureblood.

Hey, friend!

Hey, friend.

Quick question. Why does my cape say "Furtenfurter?"

Oh, I thought you said that was your Quidditch name?

No, that was a sneeze.

Oh.

Hey, where are your other friends?

Oh. What other friends?

Oh.

(In deep voice) Oh.

Here. Sorry, you have to practice with my old Cleansweep Eleven.

But who knows maybe one day you'll work your way up to one of these babies.

(Chuckles)

A girl can dream. (Chuckles)

Okay. Now, remember the rules.

No blagging, blurting, blatching, haversacking, or quaffle-pocking.

Obviously.

But if you could just refresh my...

Brooms up!

Uh, okay.

Ow!

Ow! Foul! I think I've just been blag-boozled or something!

That was not a foul!

Beaters throw Bludgers at Chasers to make them drop quaffles.

That's only Quidditch 101.

Yeah, yeah. Can... can we go back to Quidditch 911?

I think I broke my Furtenfurter.

You know what? You seem a little rusty.

Hey, why don't you try playing the Golden Snitch?

Oh! Does that mean I get to change clothes?

There, perfect.

Yeah, this just makes the whole thing work.

You know what? I don't want to talk about it.

Brooms up!

Well, I don't have a broom.

(Yells)

I snatched the Snitch!

I can't believe they let children play Quidditch.

Is Professor Dumbledore aware of how dangerous it is?

You just have to last until June.

Hopefully my next teacher will be into something safer, like cliff diving.

Zuri.

I can't keep being Ms. Falkenberg's friend.

What? Why not?

Uh, maybe because she makes me ride a broom in public, and yell things like, "for the glory of Hufflepuff!"

But Jessie, you saw what she was like before.

If you break up with her, I'll have to go back to slumming it in the corner.

Which is really close to Gassy Gus!

What is that kid eating?

Look, I just feel bad about lying to Ms. Falkenberg.

She's actually a nice person, and she deserves a real best friend who genuinely shares her interests.

Yeah, yeah.

Can't you just learn to like Quidditch?

Can't you just learn to like vegetables?

I see your point.

I got your text, roomie.

Did you not understand the vacuuming schedule?

Mrs. Kipling. Come on!

(Grunts) Get out here.

What are you people doing?

I told you, Mrs. Kipling and I are not talking!

You're not leaving this room until you talk through your problems.

(Growls)

There is nothing to talk about.

Mrs. Kipling and I have just...

Just grown apart. It is over.

Well, maybe you dodged a b*llet, Ravi.

Mrs. Kipling is pretty needy and clingy.

Yeah, I don't know how you put up with her for so long.

Me neither, it's always all about her.

"I need a walk, I want my claws filed, I ordered this rat medium rare".

She is a terrible friend.

Now just hold on a moment.

Mrs. K has not been a bad friend.

She has just been a little down in the swamps lately.

A little? I asked her to quit being such a diva, and she almost bit my head off, literally!

Yeah, you don't need to defend her, Ravi.

Lizards be crazy.

Enough!

Mrs. Kipling is the most loyal, funny, supportive best friend there has ever been! (Sighs)

Come on, Mrs. K, we are going home!

All: Yes!

(All chuckling)

Nice.

It worked!

Bertram, you actually had a good idea!

And after that rutabaga casserole, you really needed a win.

Well, I felt appreciated for almost five seconds. Thanks for that.

BTW, Mrs. Kipling and I just figured out what happened in here.

(Growls)

And we love you for it!

(School bell ringing)

Okay, everybody. Do your homework if you feel like it!

Okay, no pressure.

Sorry, sorry. Okay.

Hey, friend.

Okay. I'm ready for practice.

And I know I broke your Cleansweep Eleven, so I hope it's okay that I brought this Schmutz Buster 5000.

Yeah, um, about that, uh...

I don't need you to come to practice today.

But, why? Is my broom grip not as bad as we thought?

(Chuckles) No, it is.

Okay.

I'm gonna practice with Mr. Itzel today.

Mr. Itzel? The librarian?

Yes. Can you believe he was a Beater for the Central Park Centaurs!

How hot is that?

I'm tingling, but... (Stammering)

Honey, no offense, but, come on, you're a rotten Chaser, a horrible Keeper, and just a few Horcruxes short of a soul.

If you know what I mean.

I do not.

And I thought I made a really good Snootch.

Brooms up!

(Chuckles)

I can't believe Ms. Falkenberg dumped me!

For someone who sunburns in fluorescent lighting.

I can. I set them up.

You did? Why?

Well, I thought about how you said Ms. Falkenberg deserved a real best friend.

And when I saw how unhappy Ravi was without his best friend...

I knew I had to find Ms. Falkenberg her Mrs. Kipling.

Oh. But how did you know Mr. Itzel would be a perfect match?

He wears little round glasses, an owl sweater...

And calls his minivan the Hogwarts Express.

I took a wild guess.

Oh, that was very sweet of you, Zuri.

You're not really upset that you got dumped, are you?

Nah. Nah.

At least this break-up didn't involve my birthday and a Jumbotron.

She'll miss me.

They always miss me.

What happened in here?

Surprise!

I wanted to thank you for letting me crash at your bachelor pad.

So let me get this straight.

You and Mrs. Kipling waited for me to leave the apartment, then came back in here and trashed my room to thank me?

That is correct.

Dude, you are the best brother ever!

I know, right?

Maybe the three of us should room together!

Get out.