02x10 - Pain in the Rear Window

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so, this is where my booth for your school carnival is going to go.

I know your mom usually raises a lot of money with her dunking-for-diamonds booth, but I have a sure-fire moneymaker.

And what game of chance will you be running?

The bottle ring-toss!

(Squeals softly)

This is where you're supposed to go, "awesome! Cool! Wow!"

"Jessie, I love you more than anyone else in the world!"

Awesome!

Cool! Wow!

Jessie, I love you more than anyone else in the world!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hello, Jessie. (All exclaim disdainfully)

Walking in the Park again?

I'm surprised someone hasn't scooped you up and put you in a plastic bag.

Very funny, Hagatha.

And what are you doing here?

Rooting for truffles?

(Laughing)

If you must know, I, too, have a booth at the carnival.

My new charge, Manfred van Pelkington, is a student at Walden Academy.

Poor Manny. That explains his twitch.

(Chuckles)

And his constant nervous gas.

(All laughing)

Well, maybe the next fundraiser we have could pay to de-brat these children.

Agatha, random question.

Have you ever kept goats from crossing a bridge?

Ha, ha, ha!

You haven't heard the last from me.

Jessie, if you wanna raise money, just charge people to watch my moves.

(Chuckles)

Oh... Luke...

Okay, be careful. Please, be...

(Crash) Ow!

Oh!

Luke! Luke!

I think I dislocated my knee!

Oh, no! Don't move!

Can I still writhe around in pain?

Stand back, everyone.

Officer Petey!

Present.

I'm trained to handle emergency situations.

Now, let's take a look.

(Gasps)

(Groans)

And he wonders why they won't let him near a crime scene.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪
♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

So, Bertram, are you excited about the carnival?

No!

Carnivals are full of screaming kids, games that are impossible to win, and I've dated enough bearded ladies in my lifetime!

Oh!

Don't eat that salad.

I think there may be some thumb in there.

Jessie, Zuri and I feel if you want to best Agatha at the carnival, you need a fantastic booth.

Although we love your ring-toss concept...

No, we don't.

You need a big attraction to get those suckers to cough up.

Like a reptilian petting zoo!

(Croaks)

More like a "lose a finger" zoo.

Speaking of which, don't eat that salad.

Luke, I'm sorry you can't go to the carnival.

Me, too.

The one chance I get to knock stuff over with a ball without getting grounded.

Are you looking at that model across the street again?

(Scoffs)

Absolutely not!

She got curtains.

I was checking out people in the Park.

Hey, it's officer Petey. (Chuckles)

Aw! He's petting a squirrel.

Ooh. Actually, he's patting down a squirrel.

(Scoffs)

Whoa! He is really desperate for his first arrest.

Hey, officer Petey. What happened to you?

Well, let's just say, next time I try to bring a squirrel to justice, I'm gonna use teeny-tiny handcuffs.

They should've covered that at the Academy.

I was supposed to go to an academy?

That explains so much.

So, are you coming to the carnival tomorrow?

Sure. I'm working Security.

So never fear. I shall keep your booth safe and sound.

Clearly this booth was not up to code.

I'd write you up, but the squirrel ate my pencil.

Hey, Jessie. Like my outfit?

I'd let you borrow it, but I'm afraid the shoes are too small for you!

(Cackling)

Congratulations! You finally found an outfit to draw attention away from your face.

If you must know, the costume is to help attract a crowd to my booth.

Well, it's certainly attracting me.

Really?

I'm officer Petey, and I'm at your service.

Corn dog?

(Laughs)

Don't mind if I do.

Petey, if there was a corn dog in your holster, where's your taser?

Oh.

It must be in the deep fryer.

Oh, this is gonna be so much paperwork!

Well, obviously, Officer Hunky-Pants wants to get with this.

Only because he's been kicked in the head by a horse.

Jessie, we have a great idea for a booth for you.

It turns out I have a particular talent for guessing people's weight.

Prepare to be amazed.

(Inhales)

He weighs...

62 pounds!

(Skeptically) Uh-huh. And, uh, how much do you think he weighs?

(Breathes deeply)

69 pounds!

Boom! Pay the man!

That's odd. Emma, come here!

I know Jessie told me to take care of you, but I will not scratch your cheesy toes!

Your loss.

Look at this. Come on. Come on.

Down there.

See that suspicious-looking person sneaking around?

(Gasps) Yes!

And he just hid when officer Petey came over.

If he's hiding from a cop, that must mean he's a criminal!

Or he's seen Petey's improv act.

Both: Ewe.

Oh! Another winner!

We have a lot of ring-tossing talent here.

(Siren wailing)

Here you go! BTW, his name is Snuffles.

My turn!

Bertram? I thought you hated carnivals.

Oh, I do, but if I avoided everything I hated, I'd never leave my room.

Yes!

Wow!

Impressive, considering those bottles were (Chuckles) So far!

(Siren wailing)

Here you go.

Oh, I'm not done.

I'm going for one of the big ones.

Here you go.

Hey, Aggie! Looks like my booth is a big hit!

With all the money I'm gonna make, I can buy you a personality!

You silly git.

You only make money if people pay you and they don't get the prizes.

At this rate, you'll have to shut down your booth before the first child throws up in the bouncy castle.

(Child vomiting)

Make that the second child.

Yes!

(Siren wailing) Pand it over!

Oh! Come to Papa Bear, Papa Bear!

(Giggling)

Hey, wait a minute. Why is everyone winning at my booth?

Oh! Not everyone.

You're a massive loser! (Laughing)

You! You did something. You're trying to make me look bad.

What could I have possibly done?

You... you gave everyone here secret ring-toss lessons!

And, yes, I am aware of how odd that sounds!

Hey! What's the commotion?

(Gasps) Do I get to cuff somebody?

Nuts! Squirrel cuffs.

(Sighs) Where did I put the human-size ones?

Agatha did something to wreck my game so that I wouldn't make any money!

Arrest her!

I will not!

The only thing Agatha's guilty of is being...

♪ Adorable!

Guilty as charged.

Oh!

Don't they have women where you come from?

Emma! Where are you? I'm thirsty!

Here you go, ding-a-ling.

Thanks.

Now remember, when you're at the carnival, keep an eye out for that shadowy figure we saw last night.

Or, I could ride the bumper cars and hope some cute boy runs into me.

(Scoffs) Or over you.

Wait! One more thing.

What?

I've decided I'm in more of an apple juice mood.

Coming right up.

Emma! I need a towel!

The Great Rav-Dini will now dazzle you with his procrastination.

Uh... I believe you mean "prognostication."

Are you here to tell fortunes or work my last nerve?

The Great Rav-Dini predicts, in the very near future...

You shall get a sweet surprise!

(Muffled grunt)

(Gasps)

(Exclaiming)

Hey! You can't take your money back!

The Great Rav-Dini did not see that coming.

Zuri! I'm running out of prizes, and I need you to go get all of your stuffed animals.

No way! Use your own toys.

My toys are in my dad's b*mb shelter!

Look, I promised your mom I would raise a lot of money for your school, and Agatha did something to sabotage my booth!

(Gasps) What did she do?

Okay, my theory is that she is a witch, and she put a spell on the rings to make sure no one misses!

I know the science is a little shaky, but it's the best I got!

And exactly what theories did you reject?

Do not worry, Jessie.

Once we work the kinks out, this booth will make more money than Shah Rukh Khan!

He is the top Bollywood star?

Come on, people! There is more to life than Legally Blonde sequels!

Not helping with my booth crisis!

I'm gonna be reduced to giving away kitchen utensils!

Crisis averted.

People pay us to get hit with whipped cream.

What? Nobody's gonna pay for that!

Hey, Petey! Check this out!

That'll be a dollar.

Okay.

I meant nobody normal.

Emma, would you care to try and throw a bean bag through the clown's mouth?

Sure.

(Grunts)

I meant that clown!

Sorry.

On the bright side, I almost knocked that snaggletooth back into place.

Another winner! (Siren wailing)

What a surprise.

Okay, kid, how did you do it?

Did Agatha put you up to this?

Is there glue involved? I have to know!

I mean...

Congratulations!

We're out of pandas. Here.

Have a melon baller.

Take it!

Hey, Jessie.

How's it going?

Ask Agatha.

You did something, and when I figure it out, I'm gonna Union-Jack you up!

(Cell phone ringing)

Have you found anything suspicious?

No. The only crime at this carnival is that the Cotton Candy tastes like insulation.

Although Jessie is convinced Agatha sabotaged her ring-toss game.

Wait a minute!

Maybe Agatha was the shadowy figure we saw sneaking around last night, and she was messing up Jessie's booth!

Oh, but wait, Agatha's tiny.

Not now.

She's wearing a clown costume that makes her look like she's about to give birth to clown-tuplets!

Should I tell Jessie?

Not yet, we need proof!

Keep an eye on Agatha and see if you can catch her doing anything.

I mean, besides cracking the fun house mirror.

Oh! She's gone!

Luke, do you see her?

Yes! I think that's Agatha. But she's not wearing the clown outfit.

Well, if you were committing a crime, would you wear a clown costume?

Wait! Officer Petey is there, too!

What's going on?

Now Petey's walking behind the booth.

Now Agatha's grabbing a mallet and following Petey!

I don't see anything!

Except Agatha dragging a body-shaped bag!

(Inhales deeply)

(Gasps)

What do you think is in it?

(Sarcastically) Hmm, let me think. What could be inside a body shaped bag?

(Gasps) Maybe a body!

Named officer Petey! You have to follow her!

Fine, but if I even think she sees me, I'm running away faster than one of Jessie's old boyfriends!

She just stopped at a dumpster.

Jessie: Another winner! Congratulations, kid, have a garlic press.

(Siren wailing)

(Gasps)

Luke, did you see that?

The shadowy figure is Bertram!

(Flatly) Yay.

(Siren wailing) Here's your prize.

It's a metal hat.

Looks cooler if you wear it backwards.

Jessie, come quick!

Bertram smacked Petey with a mallet and stuffed him in a bag!

Okay, that sounds like an awesome booth.

I should have done that!

It's not a booth! It's a m*rder!

I saw him dump Petey's body in a dumpster!

Just come!

Wait... (Bones cracking) Ow!

Emma? Emma? Okay, that popping noise is my shoulder.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Emma! Emma! Emma!

Let go of my arm!

Great! Now I can scratch my knee without bending.

Jessie, forget your monkey arm!

Officer Petey is nowhere to be seen!

You know why? Because his lifeless, decaying body is in that dumpster!

Now go get it.

Why would I go climb inside of a dirty garbage dumpster?

Because your phone's in there.

I just downloaded a new ring tone!

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna call Bertram right now and get to the bottom of this.

No, you won't! (Crashing)

I can't believe you just did that!

We are not leaving until this dumpster is searched!

Fine!

Oh, look!

Someone threw away a brand new pair of Arturo Vitali pumps.

(Gasps) Size 6!

(Gasps) Dibs!

(Clattering)

Hey! There's no Arturo Vitali pumps in here!

All I see is a football signed by Tony Romo!

Dibs!

(Clattering)

(Emma laughing)

Jessie: I can't believe I fell for that.

Uh-oh!

(Cell phone ringing)

Emma, Bertram's headed your way!

He must know we saw him commit that crime!

Get out of there now!

Luke? Is that you?

(Mimics Indian accent) No, it is Ravi.

My best friend is a giant lizard! Yippee!

(Disconnects)

Oh, no.

Emma, how are you not dirty?

Things just kind of work out for me.

Okay, I told you, there's nothing in this dumpster besides my dignity.

But I know I saw Bertram dump a bag in here!

Then why didn't we find it?

Maybe because he threw it in that dumpster!

You mean the one with the large bag sticking out?

Yeah, that one.

Uh, that bag does look disturbingly body-shaped.

We should call the police!

Hello! That was the police!

Okay, we're being ridiculous!

Bertram is way too lazy to m*rder anyone!

There's only one way to find out.

Open it.

(Exhales)

(Screams)

Huh?

Wait a minute.

These are the bottles that were supposed to be at my booth.

The wide-neck ones that make it impossible to win.

The... the money was for your school.

Don't judge me!

Open, open, open, open, open, open, open, open, open!

(Screams)

Close, close, close, close, close!

Luke, get back here!

No! You'll never get me!

We need to talk!

Stay away from me!

(Screams)

(Grunting)

(Straining)

What are you doing?

Right now, wishing I had done more pull-ups in P.E!

(Grunts)

Ah! Quit it!

I saw what you did! You're a monster!

Relax, it's not that big of a deal!

Ah! And I hate having my picture taken!

You'll never get away with it!

Oh, I will, because I have something here that's gonna shut you up.

(Luke screams)

Help! Police! (Elevator bell dings)

(Gasps) Jessie! Bertram's trying to k*ll me like he k*lled Petey!

The only thing Bertram k*lled was my chance to humiliate Agatha!

And, of course, raise money for the children.

That wasn't a body bag, it was a bottle bag!

Idiot.

Bertram, how could you sabotage my booth?

Oh, I couldn't help myself! (Sniffles)

Every year when I was a kid, I'd spend all of my allowance, all my tooth-fairy money, even all my grandma's good-boy money...

Trying to win that stupid ring-toss game at the carnival.

But I never did.

Until tonight.

If your grandma knew about this, she would take away all your good-boy money!

I know!

But in my defense, I really wanted that giant panda.

Wait! Why were you reaching into your jacket for a g*n?

I wasn't!

I was reaching for my wallet, to give you 10 bucks to keep you quiet.

Hold it. There's still one thing I don't understand.

Math? Science? Bathing?

I understand bathing.

I just don't wanna do it.

Why did you follow Petey with that big mallet?

He wanted to impress some girl, so he asked me to give him pointers on the Test Your Strength game.

He never scored higher than "Little Miss". (Chuckles)

So, where is Petey?

Okay, get ready.

Okay.

(Coin clatters) Um...

Dramatic face! (Giggles)

(Counter beeping)

Surprise face! (Beeping)

(Exclaims)

Uh... fish face! (Giggles)

(Beeping)

Hey, Agatha, for our last picture, why don't you take off the fake tooth and moles?

They're not fake.

Scared face!

I'm really sorry, Jessie.

Not as sorry as you're gonna be.

I gave away half your kitchen utensils as prizes.

Even my melon baller?

(Laughs)

It was the first to go.

Not Mella! (Sobs)

(Screaming wretchedly) Mella!

You kids shouldn't have to see this.

What is going on here?

Zuri and Ravi came up with a great new booth.

And it's raking in more cash than dad's last movie.

Galactopus Four: There Will Be Ink.

You people will watch anything.

I hate carnivals!

Wanna play Dunk the Butler?

Delighted!

Although I'm not a very good sh*t.

Ooh.

Doesn't matter. Everyone's a winner!

Except me.

(Siren wailing)

Don't worry, Bertram.

The carnival's only open for another 12 hours.

(Sobbing)