02x20 - Panic att*ck Room

[bunniefuu]

Hi!

[Screams] [Thudding]

Sorry, my sweet. Did I startle you?

No, I screamed and fell on my butt for fun!

Zuri! Why are you screaming?

Hey, Jessie.

Oh, Stuart. Question retracted.

Stuart, where have you been?

You were supposed to meet here 15 minutes ago.

Forgive me.

My monkey bar pants were still in the dryer.

I've heard a lot of excuses from guys before, but that one's a first.

Stuart, I'm a busy woman.

I scheduled monkey bars from 9:00 to 9:15.

Now I have to go groom my zebra.

You know, Zuri and I really seem to be drifting apart.

Were you ever together?

Yes, if Photoshop counts.

According to Channing Tatum's lawyer, it does not.

Look, Stuart, the truth is, relationships are hard work.

Zuri said we're in a relationship?

[Sprays]

Friendships are hard work.

Sometimes you have to make an extra effort to carve out time for each other.

You're right, Jessie.

I'll make more time for Zuri by reducing my piccolo practice, from two hours a day to one hour.

Oh, Stuart...

If you want any girl to spend time with you, cut down piccolo practice to zero hours.

Then pick up a guitar.

And some weights.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie. ♪
♪ My whole world is changing. Turning around. ♪
♪ They got me going crazy. Yeah, they're shaking the ground. ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town. ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ Hey Jessie. ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day. ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie. ♪

Guess what show I'm auditioning for tomorrow!

Guess who doesn't care.

Oh, so you don't care about a certain TV show about a wealthy aristocratic family and their servants in a turn-of-the-century Boston estate?

Both: Worthington Manor?

That's our favorite show!

Congratulations, Jessie! You'll be great playing a servant.

What makes you think I'm auditioning to play a servant?

Because you're a servant.

I am an actor. I can be anything.

In that case, can you be "good at acting?"

Because if you get this part, then Emma and I can go to set with you and meet all of our favorite actors!

And we can help you prepare.

We're Worthington Manor experts.

I was actually President of the Worthington Manor Fan Club.

Until I was overthrown in a coup d'etat.

I had to do it! You were a tyrant!

Okay.

Well, I will take all the help I can get.

I'm auditioning for the role of a socialite heiress who visits the estate.

You're gonna play an heiress?

Do you think you can pull off that level of sophistication?

Sure, why not?

[Muffled] You want some?

I hope she means from the can.

Okay, Stuart, for doing my homework, you get an hour of Zuri time.

Don't waste it.

Your eyes sparkle brighter than the sequins on my band uniform.

Fifty-nine minutes and counting.

[Grunts]

Luke, I beg your pardon, but the terrace is reserved for Zuri and me.

Yeah, pretty sure you can't do that.

Plus, Jessie sent me out here.

She says I'm spending too much time inside playing video games.

So...

[Lasers f*ring in game]

Luke! Prepare for a thrashing!

Ugh! With these two nitwits, I can't concentrate on the game.

Oh, honey, you roll dice and move the game piece a corresponding amount of spaces.

It doesn't require a lot of concentration.

And yet, I'm walking away.

What do you Neanderthals not understand about a red velvet rope?

[Grunts]

[Clattering]

Luke, the whole school is talking about my crush on Kylie Nicholson.

I told you that in confidence!

I didn't tell anybody, except Dave, and Eric and Gossip Gary.

Who knew it would get out?

Ugh! You have ruined my life!

And I will have my revenge!

I will tell the entire school about your embarrassing habit of...

You know, how you...

You got nothing. My life is an open book.

Which is ironic, since I don't like to open books.

You just had a baby, why were you driving so fast?

[Sniffling]

[Turns off the tv] Bertram: Ah.

That wraps up Season 5 of Worthington Manor.

[Snoring]

Jessie!

Isn't this helpful for your audition?

Not as helpful as getting a good night's sleep.

Well, if you don't get the part, you'll have plenty of time to sleep...

On the streets.

What? I'll still be the nanny.

I'll still have a room here. Right?

You have to know the show to be on it.

[Scoffs] I think I know the show by now.

Oh, yeah?

Then how did the Worthingtons earn their fortune back after losing it for the fifth time at the end of Season 3?

Huh?

Uh, uh...

Oh! That was when Waldorf Worthington got that huge settlement...

After tripping on Henry Cabot's crooked cobblestones.

That was Season 2!

You bring shame to Worthington Manor!

How do you two know so much about the Worthington family, yet neither of you could tell me Ravi's middle name?

He has a middle name?

[Whispers] Which one is Ravi?

What's so great about the Worthingtons anyway?

They can't even dress themselves.

Back then, the rich were pampered.

Not like today.

Says the girl I take to dance class in a helicopter.

Stuart, what are we doing here?

I want to be alone with you, my sweet.

So we can finally...

Finish our board game!

Stuart, the panic room is for emergencies, like for us to hide in if someone breaks into the penthouse.

Or Jessie tries to make me do chores.

But this is an emergency!

We need to bond!

I'm a lonely little guy!

And it's gonna stay that way.

[Beeping]

[Buzzing]

The exit code is not working!

On the bright side, that gives us plenty of time to finish our game!

Stuart! We are trapped without any food or water!

And I do not want to be found next to a skeleton in a sweater vest!

Stuart, what are we gonna do?

Enjoy our time together?

Remove your arm from my shoulder, or you'll be removing these dice from your colon!

Ravi: Could you please keep it down? We are trying to meditate!

Ravi?

[Growling]

What are you doing in here?

This is where I come when I need some peace and quiet to center myself after Luke has ruined my life.

I am in here a lot.

Well, I'm glad you like it, because we're trapped!

What? Nonsense.

You probably just entered the code wrong.

[Beeping] [Buzzes]

Oh, dear.

By the quickening of my pulse, I am beginning to see why this is called a "panic room".

Now give me room to panic!

[Screaming]

I'm auditioning for the role of an heiress, not a bookshelf!

Heiresses have great posture.

You look like you're auditioning for the letter "S".

Tea is served, as you requested, milady.

How delightful.

Thank you, Bertram.

Mmm. Don't mind if I do.

Ow!

Do it like on Worthington Manor!

I wanted to be the one to smack you, but Emma won the coin toss.

Ow!

Again!

You hold the saucer, and lift the tea cup by the handle, with your pinkie out.

It's like watching a monkey using tools for the first time.

This is terrible!

It could be days before someone comes in here!

Hey, guys.

Luke! Do not let the door close!

Behind you.

What are you guys doing in here?

Bowling.

Why did you come in here, Luke?

Oh, well, you see. I was...

Looking for you guys.

[Chuckles]

Because I missed you.

Why do you keep on looking over there?

What shameful thing are you hiding in that trunk?

[Chuckles nervously] It's nothing.

Whoa!

An accordion?

This is almost too easy.

The accordion happens to be very a noble instrument.

It makes beautiful music by expelling air.

Like I do.

I am telling the whole school!

Even band geeks will throw you in a locker!

[Laughs]

The accordion is the pocket protector of instruments.

And that's coming from a guy who rocks the piccolo.

Okay, this is my big emotional scene.

Katherine Mansford confesses her feelings for the Butler of Worthington Manor, but knows her father will never...

La-la-la-la-la-la-la!

I don't want any more spoilers.

Call if Jessie needs to be hit with the ruler again.

That was fun.

Remember, your character is part of the upper-class elite, and I am playing the lowly Butler.

You must resist the urge to love me.

Not exactly an acting challenge.

Hey, Ravi, shouldn't this cable plugged in to the monitor?

Actually, yes.

Way to nerd out, Luke.

First, the accordion, now audio-visual expertise...

When does your Civil w*r Reenactment Club meet?

Ravi, you fixed it!

Jessie: Can this really be happening? What will people think?

I don't care what the world thinks!

All that matters is what you think.

Jessie: I think you are the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful man I've ever met.

But alas, we must fight these feelings.

Don't fight them, embrace them.

Please, I'm just a Butler...

Sitting in front of a girl...

Asking her to love him.

No...

Way.

And I'm just a girl telling a Butler, "I love you!"

No!

[Sobbing]

Jessie and...

Bertram?

I guess love is in the air.

I want to shout it from the rooftops.

I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Shall we cement our love...

With a kiss?

You got it!

Let's stop there!

Okay. Great.

Way to go.

Well, [Chuckles] I can't believe I'm saying this, but you were great.

I might actually get this part!

And more importantly, I might get to meet the Worthingtons!

It's amazing how much you can get done when you don't have any distractions.

Hey! Where are all the distractions?

Now that I think of it, I haven't seen Luke, Ravi, or Zuri in hours.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Okay, I have connected this switch from the control panel, into the penthouse electrical system.

Now, I can signal Jessie using Morse Code.

You know Morse Code?

Of course! It is my favorite of all the codes.

Why Bertram? [Sobbing]

He's cranky and bald, and...

Dances like an electrocuted walrus.

[Sobbing continues]

Why, Jessie?

Why?

Listen, if you're turning lights off, can you start in here?

I cannot watch this train wreck anymore.

Guys! Where are you?

Really? Sell the helicopter and pay your electric bill, people!

Wait, that's Morse Code!

S...

O...

S... it must be Ravi! It's his favorite of all the codes.

[Door beeps]

Ravi?

Jessie, thank goodness!

Hold the door open.

What are you guys doing in here? Hiding from Stuart?

Uh, I mean... uh...

I got nothing. Sorry, Stuart.

He's fine. The kid's got thick skin.

Let's just get out of here!

Luke, no!

What in the blazes...

No one's leaving.

Not until Jessie gets over being in love with Bertram!

What? I am not in love with Bertram.

And frankly, I'm really hurt that you think my dating life has come to that.

Then what was that little scene we saw on the cameras?

A little scene! For my audition tonight!

Oh, like you would get an audition!

Thanks a lot, Luke. Now we are all going to die in here!

We're not locked in here.

[Beeps] [Buzzes]

We're locked in here!

Luke, this just went from being the panic room, to being the "I'm gonna kick your butt" room!

Guys!

Calm down.

The truth is, we're not trapped.

I changed the exit code so Zuri and I could be together.

Whoa, that's desperate.

You make Ravi look like a player.

It's Jessie's fault!

She said I should carve out alone time with you.

You told him to trap me in here?

Not at all! I had no idea Stuart would take it this far.

He takes everything this far!

As they say, go big or go home.

In that case, just go home!

This relationship is over!

I knew it was a relationship!

You are out of your mind! Let us out!

Fine.

The new code is in my pocket.

Uh-oh.

Let me guess.

You forgot to put the code in your panic room pants.

I cannot miss this audition!

Just because we might die in here, doesn't mean my career has to!

Meanwhile, I am starving! [Growling]

I'm so hungry...

Even Mrs. Kipling is starting to look good.

[Growling] [Sizzling]

You just better hope you do not start looking good to Mrs. Kipling.

[Growling]

Is that why she's staring at me?

[Growling]

Jessie seems to have disappeared! I'm really worried!

Me too!

Now, we'll never get to Worthington Manor.

Emma, if we can't find her, you're going to have to audition in her place.

Do you think you can play a wealthy, demanding heiress?

I can try.

First, make me a sandwich.

Worthington Manor, here I come.

Seriously, quick with the sandwich.

Jessie, we have a question.

If we're all going to die in here, but I strangle Stuart...

Is that still m*rder?

Don't talk like that Zuri.

We're going to get out of here.

Do you really believe that?

No, I'm just trying to buy you some time.

I cannot believe I am going to perish in here, before I get my chance to humiliate Luke in front of the whole school.

Why would you do that? I mean, I'm sure he deserves it, but why?

[Sighs]

I told Luke about my secret crush on Kylie Nicholson.

And he spilled the beans.

Now, it is payback time.

What? Brothers don't pay each other back.

No kidding. Luke has owed me $10 since May.

I mean family is supposed to keep each other's secrets.

Not use them as amm*nit*on.

You are right.

Luke, before we all become lizard kibble.

I want you to know I am sorry I threatened to tell everyone you play the accordion.

[Gasps] Luke plays the accordion? Nerd alert!

[Clears throat]

I mean, Luke, do you have something you'd like to say to Ravi?

Ravi, I'm so sorry I betrayed your trust.

From now on, if you tell me a secret, it stays a secret.

Aw, that's so sweet.

You two made up.

But we're still stuck in the panic room!

Hey, why is the living room monitor off?

You were professing your love for Bertram, so it was either that or gouge my own eyes out.

So, Katherine, I guess you chose your father's money over me.

You're still just a scared little girl.

Maybe I am.

But you are just the Butler of Worthington Manor.

And you always will be.

No...

Way.

Emma, you were great!

Thanks.

But I still think I'm way too young to audition for this part.

It was New England in 1902.

People d*ed at 30. You're practically middle-aged.

You are not getting my part, Emma!

I have worked too hard and raised my pinkie too high to quit now!

That monitor is tearing this family apart.

Okay, I'm breaking us out of here.

Just like Olivia Worthington broke out of the collapsed diamond mine in the end of Episode 12.

What is she talking about?

Worthington Manor. Great show.

But it was episode 13.

[Mockingly] "But it was episode 13". I am getting to that audition!

[Door beeps] [Screaming]

[Thuds]

In an ambulance.

I found Jessie!

I can't believe she broke through a solid steel door.

Actually, I managed to cut the power to the electronic lock just as she made contact.

[Jessie groans]

You are welcome.

Zuri, I'm really sorry I locked you in here.

I'll just go home, and leave you alone forever.

Stuart, wait.

I may have said a few things I didn't mean.

Like how I'm out of my mind?

No, that's pretty spot on.

But, since you worship me, I guess we can finish the game.

You mean it?

Absolutely.

Where are the dice?

[Mrs. Kipling burps] [Splattering]

Hey, the lizard just rolled snake eyes!

[Both laughing]

[Elevator bell dings]

[Gasps] How was your audition?

Did we get the part?

Please tell me you used better posture than you have right now.

My posture was perfect but, they didn't hire me because they had a problem with my pinkies.

Did you forget to hold them out?

No, they were out.

Way out.

[All sobbing]

I'm telling you, this is not the way to impress Kylie Nicholson.

How about I tell her you're a super hero?

No.

A super villain?

No.

Got your third chest hair?

In my dreams! But, no.

Kylie, prepare to be serenaded!

Hit it, Luke.

♪ Kylie Nicholson be my girl.
♪ Doo-da, doo-da.
♪ Kylie Nicholson be my girl.
♪ All the doo-da, day.

Kylie, wait, come back!

I am on the verge of my third chest hair!