03x10 - Snack att*ck

[bunniefuu]

(GRUNTING) I can't believe you're doing this, just because I went a little over on my phone bill this month...

A little? You managed to go over your limit.

And your limit is unlimited!

Look, I talked to your parents, and from now on, you'll have to pay your own phone bill, by getting a job.

Jessie, money isn't something you work for, it's just something people give you.

Like compliments, and roses.

Well, welcome to the real world, where roses come with a little note that says, "It's not me, it's you."

Hi.

Hey.

I saw your "Help Wanted" sign, and Emma, here, would love to work at the Empire Skate Building.

Ah... I'm not sure.

And in the fight game, you learn to go with your gut.

Oh, you were a boxer?

The name is Boomer, and I was a champ of Bayonne, New Jersey. I won...

Forty-three fights.

Then what happened?

I lost my 44th.

So, Emma, you ever cooked or waited tables before?

I've never even waited for a table.

(CHUCKLES) Then why would I hire you?

Good point. Okay, bye!

Hey!

Say goodbye to this job, and you'll be texting your friends via the U.S. Postal Service.

(SIGHS) Oh, fine.

Okay, so I can't cook, clean, or wait, but there is this one thing I can do...

Hey, guys, who wants a smoothie?

(CLAMORING)

She's hired! (CHUCKLES)

Am I supposed to mop something up with this?

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Emma, por favor...

When the fryer timer goes off, take the fries out.

That's what that ding was?

I kept thinking I was getting phantom texts.

Ugh, working is a lot of work!

And there's this really gross water coming out of my skin!

What is it?

It's called sweat.

Well, it's horrible!

(SIGHS)

This burger's so raw it could've walked over here by itself.

Emma did a great job on my grilled cheese.

Although I ordered cheddar, not pepper jack.

That is cheddar. The red flakes are Emma's nail polish.

Ah!

How is everything?

(CHUCKLES) Fantastic!

Mmm. Delish!

Not hungry, kid?

On the contrary, I just cannot find anything healthful on your bill of fare.

Come on, we've got fruit smoothies!

Even though there's no actual fruit in them.

Really? That is shameful!

Emma! What did I tell you to say if someone asks about the ingredients?

Oh, right.

It's none of your business.

And if anyone doesn't like it, they can just get lost.

Perhaps I will get lost.

It happens a lot.

It is why I keep a flare in my pocket!

Penthouse is this way, correct?

You see that man over there?

That's James McMillan!

He casts every major New York movie.

I've been trying to get a meeting with him, but he won't return any of my calls.

A man who won't return any of your calls?

Have I jumped into a time machine and set the date for any day ever?

Of course she's nutty, she's an actress!

If you want someone sane, hire my accountant!

But he won't look as good in a bikini.

Oops... (CHUCKLES) These head sh*ts can be so slippery.

But would you look at that mysterious smile.

Do I know where the treasure's buried?

Am I a spy for the other side? Who can tell?

And let's not forget my special skill of...

Having a valid driver's license!

Fifteenth precinct? I'd like to place a restraining order...

Okay, okay, okay.

Message received.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) So long as you received the message that I'm a master of dialects, govnah!

Cheerio, then!

(CELL PHONE RINGING) What?

Now? No, I've got my daughter.

I don't care who the director is.

Oh, Scorsese? I'll figure something out.

Problem, milord?

Did I hear you say you were watchin' a little poppet?

Please stop. (WITHOUT ACCENT) Stopping.

And yes, my 9-year-old, Wendy. (SIGHS)

I just don't know how I'm gonna find a sitter.

I can't ever seem to get the same one twice.

(CHUCKLES) Well, it's your lucky day.

I'm a nanny! Wendy can come over to play with Zuri, my 9-year-old.

That would be great.

Wendy doesn't have many friends.

She's a very shy and sensitive girl.

And Zuri is a... Girl.

But I don't know anything about you other than your ability to look surprised at something in the distance.

Maybe you've heard of my bosses, Morgan and Christina Ross?

(GASPING) I know Morgan and Christina well!

If they trust you...

Hold on, it's the penthouse across the street, right? The one with the red awning and the incompetent doorman with great hair?

That's the one.

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

Okay, I just texted Christina, she said if you're really Jessie, you'll tell me how many heels are in her shoe closet.

That's a trick question! You tell her I don't go in there anymore!

But between us, 312 fabulous pairs.

Okay, it's you.

Oh! Wendy!

Ready to play, Daddy?

Oh, I wish I could, but you're going to have a play date with Jessie and a new little friend.

But I thought today was our day!

It was, but now it's Scorsese's day.

I'll make it up to you.

Okay, Daddy.

But I'll miss you.

Aw. Aren't you just the sweetest thing.

The last time Zuri hugged me, it was to frisk my pockets for bubble gum.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Ugh, I gotta go.

And Jessie, if this goes well, there may be some audition spots open next week.

Well, I'll have to check my skedge...

Oh, who am I kidding? My skedge is wide open.

It's the Grand Canyon of skedges!

I like your shoes.

Shh! They're not mine.

Zuri! I have a fun surprise for you.

For the last time, you getting new bangs is not a fun surprise.

No, it's a new friend! This is Wendy.

Hi, Zuri.

We're going to have the bestest afternoon ever!

I'm not sure I can work with this.

Oh, you guys are going to get along great.

And when you do, her dad's gonna get me a big audition.

Please... I'm begging you.

(SIGHS) Oh, all right.

I'll lay on the charm.

Great!

Okay, I will be right back.

I've got to go get Ravi an ice pack.

He has P.E. tomorrow.

Have fun! Bye, Jessie! We miss you already!

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Want to play dollies?

This is Henrietta.

Aw, she's pretty.

(POPPING)

(SCREAMING)

Hey! I don't know how they play dollies where you come from, but here that's a major party foul!

Come on! Let's drop some heads off your terrace and watch people scatter!

No! These girls have a very important pageant coming up next week, and the judges take off points for headlessness!

Are we doing what I want?

Or are we going to have a problem?

Whoa, Mr. Hyde.

Here at Zuri's house, the role of bad seed is already taken.

(GASPING) Tough.

You're in my house now.

(SCREAMING)

You screamed?

Wendy is decapitating my dollies!

Oh, you can't do that. Those girls have a very important pageant coming up.

You better shape up or we're going to tell Jessie.

Or...

I'll do what I want, and no one tells Jessie.

Because if they do, I'll tell my daddy and he won't help her.

Blackmail? Oh, you're good.

If you weren't so scary, we'd probably be best friends!

Well, she can't blackmail me because I don't care about Jessie's career.

You know, without my Daddy's help, Jessie will probably be dragging you to her amateur plays for years.

What do we have to do?

Wendy, get off the chandelier!

Wendy: Doesn't anyone ever dust up here?

He doesn't even dust down here!

Wendy: Catch me!

(SCREAMING)

(THUD)

That was fun! Your tummy's like a trampoline!

(GRUNTING)

Hi, I'm back!

Hi! We're having so much fun, Jessie!

Daddy! I had so much fun! Can I come back tomorrow?

Well, we'll have to see what Jessie says.

Although on a completely unrelated note, there's an audition for the Spielberg movie this Thursday.

Then on a completely related note, Wendy's welcome any time! (CHUCKLES)

Bye, guys! See you tomorrow!

Oh, no.

We have to do this again?

Being the good child is awful.

I've got to go apologize to Ravi.

Free samples!

But the toothpick is $1.50.

What do you think you're doing?

Giving people a healthy choice at Ravi's Rockin' Roughage, LLC.

Millet puff?

Probiotic pop?

It tastes better than it sounds!

I believe people will love my free samples, as they are both nutritious and delicious.

Hey, that rhymed!

Okay. If you want a battle, you'll get a battle.

See? I can rhyme, too!

Technically, saying the same word twice is not a rhyme.

Technically, fruit is not a hat.

(COUGHING)

Hey, Zuri! You excited for your play date with Wendy?

Ugh, I totally was, but now I think I'm coming down with something.

I feel all hot, and my nose is runny... (SNIFFLING)

And, uh, my toes are shrinking.

Your toes are shrinking?

Yeah... Is that not a thing?

Thanks a lot, ask-a-nurse website.

Okay, I get it.

You don't want to hang out with Wendy because you think she's too boring.

It's okay.

I'm sure I can get an audition for a Spielberg movie some other way.

Really?

Sure.

There's always a chance I'll run into Steve on the street and get to do my E.T. impression.

Okay, I'll hang out with Wendy.

You will? Oh, thank you.

Sure. Your E.T. impression is horrible.

You really think so?

(IMITATING E.T.) Be good.

Yeah, now I hear it.

Wow, Ravi, people really love your food!

I know! I may have to use Mr. Daddy's shell company in the Caymans to hide some of this skrilla!

I can't believe your brother's cart stole all our customers.

Well, then who ordered these green eggs and ham?

That's a plate you were supposed to clear days ago.

I'm sorry, Boomer.

Hmm. Not as sorry as I am.

Because business is so bad, I have to let you go.

What? But I was learning so much!

I'd never even seen a nickel before I came here!

I thought it was just some old-timey word, like "tuppence" or "landline!"

I'm really gonna miss you, and the way you tried to clean tomatoes in the dishwasher.

But... Sorry, Emma, but your brother's got me against the ropes, sucker-punched me in the wallet, and now I'm going down for the count.

Now I'm sad and confused. (SIGHS)

So, the rules of No-Lose Dodgeball are you don't move, so I never lose.

Are you sure you don't want to play checkers?

Nope!

Ready... Aim... Fire!

(SHRIEKING)

Oh, no! That vase was a priceless antique!

Zuri, what did you do?

Um, it wasn't Zuri's fault.

Thanks, Wendy.

She was just trying to prove that she could do a better cartwheel than me.

She didn't mean to fall into the vase.

Say what?

Don't feel bad, Zuri.

Lots of kids can't cartwheel.

I took three years of Tumbling Tot Gymnastics, woman!

I'll show you a cartwheel!

No, no, no.

I'm so sorry, Wendy.

Can you just excuse us for a minute?

Zuri, you know how important this is for me.

For once, can't you just think of someone besides yourself?

But Wendy is horrible! She's a monster!

She is not.

And I'm really disappointed in you.

Now, be nice.

Now I have to go get a whole lot of glue.

If you want your nanny to get that audition, you'll keep your mouth shut.

You are very lucky I love Jessie.

Also, that I already broke that vase months ago and secretly replaced it with a fake.

Respect.

Thank you.

Now which finger is your least favorite?

Okay, who's ready to play Matterhorn?

Not us! Not us! Not us! Not us!

Make sure to lean into that turn!

Guys, do you think this audition would be more memorable if I did the whole thing in a Grover voice?

Well, it's better than your E.T. voice.

Wendy? Why are Zuri and Bertram about to wet my new pillow-top mattress?

Because they're crybabies.

Especially the big one.

Wendy, don't be rude!

You're such a nice little girl!

No, she isn't!

She's a terror!

Not only does she blame everything on Zuri, she cut my suspenders.

Now when I try to run away, my pants fall down!

It's true, I've seen it!

It's the only thing scarier than Wendy!

You just wait until your father hears about this!

My daddy is a very busy guy.

All he cares about is finally finding someone willing to take care of me.

And if you're not that person, do you think you'll still get that audition?

So you really think you can buy my silence, just by threatening my career?

One... Two...

Can you at least angle us away from the fireplace?

Nope.

Weird, right? Vegetables can taste good!

(CHUCKLES) I mean, I don't want to sound crazy, but it almost makes me think I should listen to my nanny about other things too.

Luke, cover for me.

And please do not use the probiotic pops as walrus tusks.

Okay.

Emma, why have you gone from glam to glum?

Because your stupid cart got me fired!

It did? Oh, dear.

That was never a part of our mission statement at Ravi's Rockin' Roughage, LLC.

Just leave me alone.

I need to do that thing that other girls do. What's it called?

"Be upset that things didn't go my way."

On the bright side, you hated working, right?

Actually, I was kind of proud to earn my own money for a change.

But now it's all over, thanks to you.

Emma, I am truly sorry.

So am I. Now, instead of working, I'll just have to spend all my afternoons at the spa.

I hope you're happy!

Would it put things in perspective if I told you I spend my afternoons hiding from the debate team?

They do not punch, but their comments are very hurtful.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

I'm so scared.

You guys should save yourselves.

It's my audition. It's my fight.

No, we're in this together.

If you have to play Starving Games, we have to play Starving Games.

Right, Bertram?

I'm so hungry.

Duh. It's not called the "No Thanks, I'm Stuffed" Games.

Wendy set up an entire feast in the kitchen.

I think I can make it.

No! That's exactly what she wants!

Anybody up for some brie?

It's extra runny.

Oh!

Extra runny brie.

If I get hit, will you tell Ravi he was my favorite?

Well, not now.

Gotcha!

He's hit.

What do we do?

Save ourselves! Run!

(ZURI SCREAMING)

No, no, no. Please, no! We're unarmed!

That's how I like my victims!

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(GRUNTING)

Marty, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Nobody's guarding the brie!

Daddy, Zuri's throwing water balloons at me!

That's terrible.

Zuri, you apologize to Wendy right now!

But I didn't...

Oh, okay. Wendy, I'm very, very...

Okay, that's it.

James, it's Wendy who should be apologizing to Zuri.

Because frankly, your daughter is a gigantic brat!

How dare you! My daughter is an angel!

Your angel has a seven-foot poisonous lizard afraid of her.

And she tried to bowl with my doll's heads!

Using the bodies as bowling pins!

If I were you, I'd sleep with one eye open!

They're lying! I would never hurt a dolly, and I would never throw water balloons at anyone!

(GROWLING)

No one likes a tattletale.

Look, James, you're famous for recognizing great actresses, but you've totally missed that the best one is your daughter.

I think I know why she might be acting out.

Is it because I didn't get you that bike you wanted, precious?

Yes, Daddy.

(GASPING)

No, Daddy! I mean, sir.

Wendy doesn't need a bike, she needs your attention!

Forgive me, but you seem a little preoccupied with work.

Is it possible you spend more time talking to your clients than you do to your own daughter?

I can't keep watching Wendy, it's not fair to Zuri.

And right now, your daughter needs you more than I need an audition.

Wendy, we spend time together, don't we?

Well, yeah...

But you're always on the phone.

You never even noticed when I tied that park ranger to the tree or formed an army of toddlers to do my bidding.

You did that? Yeah! That's why all the 3-year-olds at the playground call me Khaleesi!

Wendy, I'm so sorry...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(GRUNTING)

Marty? Yes, I know it's an emergency.

But it'll have to wait.

I'm going to spend the whole day with my daughter.

(JESSIE CHUCKLES) Really?

Really. (CHUCKLES)

Let's talk about this some more over millet puffs.

I hear there's a great new place at the park.

And, Jessie, thank you.

Hmm.

If you still want that audition, it's yours.

It is? Oh, thank you.

I took a really big gamble with that "gigantic brat" comment!

(CHUCKLES) Easy.

Sorry.

And, Zuri, I'm really sorry I didn't believe you about Wendy.

It's okay. I wouldn't believe me either, after I lied about all those report cards.

Wait, what? What?

OMG, Boomer, look at all your customers!

That weird brother of yours agreed to shut down his food cart if I used his healthy recipes. And ever since then, it's been a kale storm!

Well, congratulations.

I'll just be sitting over here working on my resume.

By the way, how many Z's in "resume"?

Don't bother, kid. You're rehired!

(GASPING) Really?

Absolutely! I need my number one grill girl.

You got a lot to learn, but you make me laugh.

Sometimes on purpose.

Wait just one second.

Guys, I can't believe you shut down Ravi's Rockin' Roughage, LLC, just for me.

Me neither.

We were just one batch of flaxseed chips away from a ski weekend!

Ravi, thank you.

Do not mention it. I would do anything for you.

You are my sister.

Oh! Well, back to work.

She seems happy, does she not?

Are you going to tell her we got shut down because we didn't have a vendor permit? Shh.

Do not ruin the moment.