03x12 - Acting With the Frenemy

[bunniefuu]

(Gasps) Yes!

I just got accepted into an amazing acting class.

Thank goodness, because the process of getting in was totally draining.

Did you have to do a bunch of auditions?

No, the tuition totally drained my bank account.

Here you go.

That'll be $10.

Uh, these aren't what I ordered.

Well, we don't have "organic dragon fruit, humanely harvested bee pollen," or "unpasteurized yak's milk". So you get blueberry.

Have you ever heard the expression, "the customer is always right"?

Have you ever heard the expression, "ticking off your server "is a one-way ticket to loogie town"?

Keep the change.

Hey, Zuri! How about a sweet smoothie from your smooth sweetie? (Chuckles)

You're not my sweetie, Stuart.

Just because I said I'd meet you in the park doesn't mean we're a couple.

(Stutters) I think you're reading too much into this simple gesture.

Really? Then why does it say, "Mrs. Stuart Wooten" on the side of my cup?

Are you suggesting I take your last name? How progressive.

I once dated a guy who took my last name.

And my first name. He was an identity thief.

Long story short, I put someone named Marvin through beauty school in Colorado.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ it feels like a party every day ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ but they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ my whole world is changing turning around ♪
♪ they got me going crazy yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ but they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ and I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ hey Jessie ♪
♪ hey Jessie ♪
♪ it feels like a party every day ♪
♪ hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Wow! The photos online make this place look a lot less... haunted prison-ish.

(Chuckles) It's so disgusting, I saw a family of rats moving out.

Seriously, they had little suitcases made of cheese and everything.

(Both laugh)

I'm Jessie.

Abbey. Nice to meet you.

So, let me guess...

You're a libra?

Yeah! How did you know?

Well, you're obviously artistic, and friendly...

And your birth date is on your emergency contact form.

Psst! (Clears throat)

Word on the street is, River Stevens, our acting teacher, is a total weirdo.

So, how do you know so much about him, random scruffy dude?

Because I am not a fellow student.

Oh! Did you sneak in here without paying?

Man, I wish I knew that was an option!

I am Stevens, comma, River!

And I will guide you through the art of being.

Someone should guide him through the art of bathing.

Bathing is for television actors.

(Spits)

(Dance music playing)

So, am I in? Do I got the moves like Jagger or what?

Better!

That guy's, like, 90.

Welcome to the team, Shane!

Our next performance is going to be a benefit in the park this weekend.

That sounds great. What's the worthy cause?

I think it's to help homeless whales...

Can't they just live in the ocean?

You should bring that up at the next meeting.

Oh, shopkeep!

We will have one pomegranate passion smoothie with two straws.

It's both romantic and sanitary. (Chuckles)

Stuart, you gotta stop turning every time we hang out into a romantic date.

It's disturbing.

I know, right?

Who would go there? That would be a stupid place to go!

Don't take it personally, I'm just not looking for a guy right now.

Whoa, look at that guy! Mama like!

This is great.

My horoscope said I was going to make a new friend today.

I'm just glad it's you and not that lady in the park who was marrying a tree.

Don't judge. You try dating in New York for a few years, see what you end up settling for. (Laughs)

(Shrieks)

(Growling)

Oh, don't worry, Abbey. Mrs. Kipling hasn't tried to eat a guest in, like, a week.

I'm not scared.

I've just never seen an Asian water monitor in person before!

She's gorgeous!

Compared to what?

I will have you know, water monitors were voted the second most attractive reptile in lizard lovers monthly.

Behind iguanas. Apparently, they are the reptilian George Clooney.

I have a pet chameleon named Brando.

He's brilliant! He can blend into anything.

Except camouflage, which is odd.

It is so exciting to meet a fellow lizard enthusiast!

So, what does your little one like to eat?

Cockroaches.

Oh! Are cockroaches nutritious?

I don't know, but they're free and my apartment is crawling with them.

Oh! Remind me never to wear open-toed shoes at your place. Hmm.

Okay, guys. Let's get warmed up and then take it from the top.

I know what'll get you warmed up.

A nice foot massage.

You don't wanna do that. I haven't changed my socks in a week.

It's like a swamp down there.

Well then, just call me bayou Betty!

(Chuckles nervously) Excuse us for a second.

Zuri.

We really need to focus here.

Oh, I'm focused. You can believe that.

Give me a wheatgrass sh*t and keep 'em coming, sister.

I am down in the dumps.

If you're looking to avoid the dumps, I do not recommend wheatgrass.

Girl troubles? It's Zuri.

It appears there's nothing I can do to get her to become enamored of my winsome, bespectacled visage.

I am so sorry. I think. I'm actually not sure what that meant.

It means she likes that dancing dimwit more than me.

Emma: (Sighs) Stuart.

Zuri likes you. She just doesn't like you, like you.

You're stuck in the friend zone.

Is that bad?

It's a loveless prison.

I just don't get what she sees in him.

Oh, Shane, your shoelace is untied.

Oh, thanks, bro.

I almost went from a break dancer to a broken dancer.

(Laughing) Broken dancer! That's hilarious!

Where do you come up with this stuff?

She seems to think he's funny.

Girls do like funny guys.

I can be funny.

On purpose?

You'll see. I'm going to go put on my comedy pants!

Thanks for coming to see me do my thing, Ravi.

You've always been very supportive of my career.

Until you can report it to the IRS, it is hardly a career.

Uh... is Abbey around? I have a book for her.

Oh, Ravi, just because Abbey owns a lizard doesn't mean that she wants to sit around all day reading about them.

(Gasps) No way!

Is that a first edition chameleons of Cameroon?

I can't wait to sit around all day reading this.

I stand corrected.

Ravi, we really need to get Brando and Mrs. Kipling together for a playdate.

That is a splendid idea!

It would be great for Mrs. kipling to have some friends of her own species.

Aw! That makes two of you.

I have some exciting news for you, aspiring screen artists!

You've discovered deodorant?

Better.

I'm going to be in an independent film, a portrait of sadness.

It's a brilliant rumination on man's fragile relationship with mortality.

The director is looking for his female lead.

He has agreed to audition some of my students.

Either of you would be perfect.

If I get my dad on the phone, would you repeat that to him?

Now I urge you ladies to make bold, out-of-the-box choices with this character.

For instance, in the film, I will be portraying a dog Walker with a deep, dark secret...

He's really a cat person.

Okay. Good luck, artists!

Wow, this is going to be awkward.

We're both going up for the same role.

I know. Okay, let's make a pact.

We have to promise each other that we will not let our careers get in the way of our friendship.

Deal! I never let my career get in the way of my personal life.

Considering your last audition was 10 months ago, it has not exactly been a struggle.

You are making it really hard for me to care about your next "big" chess match.

Bertram, what are you doing?

Just settling in for the night with an American literary classic.

"An illustrated history of boy bands"?

It came with a free coupon for skinny jeans.

Well, I have a very important guest coming over.

So let me give you one direction. Get out.

Why should I?

Because if you don't, I'll make you do your job, and wait on us hand and foot.

See ya! Have fun!

This is gonna be a night to remember.

(Orchestral music playing)

Wow... okay, this is just wrong.

I know. There were supposed to be doves, but they were all sold out.

Stupid spring weddings.

Hey, Zuri! Have you seen sha...

Hey!

What's, uh... what's going on here?

This is not what it looks like!

It looks like Zuri tricked you into coming out here, so she can have a romantic dinner with you.

Oh. Then it's exactly what it looks like.

I told you, Shane is off-limits! Ooh, muffins!

(Sighs)

Hello, angel.

Stuart, what are you doing here?

I'm herefunny bone! Your...

Really?

Hang on, hang on, I'm getting a call.

Let me answer it on my...

Bluetooth!

Keep it up with the prop comedy, and that'll be the only tooth you have left.

Oh! Oh, come on, don't be a...

Party pooper!

"Billy, I need you to be strong. Spot got out of the yard..." (Giggles) "...and ran into the street and... That poor little guy never even saw that monster truck coming."

(Laughing)

And scene.

Jessie.

You do understand that the truck crushed the dog, right?

Right. Well, river said to make (Mimicking) Out-of-the-box choices.

So...

My character, whenever she has to deliver bad news, she just dissolves into laughter.

Maybe it's her way of softening the blow.

Jessie! Hmm?

Do you know what happened to my Boyz II Men limited edition collector plates?

Bertram, need you to be strong.

(Giggling) I broke them this morning, while I was cleaning.

(Laughing) I know they meant a lot to you and I'm really sorry.

I should be mad, but your laughter really seemed to soften the blow. (Chuckles)

Oh, you're good.

Guess what?

Zuri hated my prop comedy.

Shocking.

Your problem is Zuri is totally crushing on Shane because he's a great dancer.

Too bad you can't compete with that.

Or can I?

Get it? Can? Eye?

We're osed.

Jessie, Abbey, let's see your audition scenes for the movie.

I dare you to wow me.

You want a little more time, Jessie? I can go first.

Aw, thanks. That'll give me more time to go over it.

Then find a script that's not covered in palm sweat. Yeah.

Do it, Abbey!

You are the greatest actress in this class!

What? You made it very clear you will never take me to lizard-con!

Ravi, we've been over this, 12 people does not make a convention.

"Billy, I need you to be strong." (Giggles) "Spot got out of the yard..." (Giggles) "...and he ran into the street... Poor little guy never even saw that monster truck coming." (Laughing)

Brava!

Abbey, what a brave choice, I am wowed.

No. That was my choice!

Where's a monster truck when you need one?

Jessie, Abbey, here's the audition schedule for this afternoon.

Break a leg!

You know, I once broke my own leg, on purpose, when I auditioned for the role of a cage fighter in league of blood.

So inspiring. Did you get the part?

No. I couldn't walk.

My leg was broken.

Okay, good luck, artists.

Yeah, well, some people don't need luck when they have treachery and deceit...

And split ends. Yeah, I went there.

Hey, I'm a gemini. Fyi, we're two-faced.

Yeah, well, does either face remember we said we wouldn't let our careers get in the way of our friendship?

Sorry, Jessie. Clearly, it was written in the stars that I get this part.

Well, if you use my character in that audition, it'll just show that you don't have any character.

(Chuckling)

That probably didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.

You have bad hair! (Chuckles)

Thank you all for coming. Remember, all the proceeds go to help save homeless whales.

Actually, I found out it's to rehabilitate injured rhinos.

Wow. (Chuckles) I wasn't even close.

(Dance music playing)

(all cheering and applauding)

Hey, Shane!

You and me, pal.

It's go time!

Who are you, and why are you dressed like a hip-hop genie?

I am here to slay you in a dance battle, and win back my boo's heart.

Stuart, I am not your boo.

Also... boo!

All ght, shazam, let's go.

(Dance music playing)

(All cheering and applauding)

Okay, well, I hope you got some padding in those pants, because I am about to kick your butt!

(Dance music playing)

In your... uh-oh...

(Retching)

Ugh! (Laughs)

I actually enjoyed that more than his dancing.

(All laughing)

No nibbling until the company gets here.

And no nibbling the company.

(Growls)

Hey, Ravi.

Abbey, Brando! Welcome!

Thanks for having us over, even though things between Jessie and me are a little tense.

Mrs. Kipling made me pinky swear to keep our playdate.

And by that, I mean, if I did not, she swore she would bite off my pinky.

Actually, I'm glad that Jessie's not here, 'cause I wanted to ask you a favor.

Of course, you are my only...

I mean, one of my many, many friends.

And friends help each other, right?

I have read that.

So...

Do you think you could help me make sure Jessie doesn't make that audition?

(Gasps) You want me to knock off my nanny?

No! No!

I just wanted you to tell her the audition has been pushed back a few hours.

But remind me never to cross you.

But I love Jessie! I cannot sabotage her!

Ravi, if I get this part, my career will take off.

And what about Jessie's career?

Just think of it.

You, me, Kipling and Brando, slithering down the green, scaly carpet together at lizard-con.

Mmm, very well, I shall do it!

I cannot wait to hear the roar of the crowd.

The last time I had people cheer for me was when I quit the basketball team.

Here you go, Stuart. You should really hydrate.

You lost a lot of fluids up there.

And there, and over there.

Stuart.

I know this is difficult for you, much like dancing..

But Shane and I are a thing. And you need to accept that.

Whoa, slow your roll.

You freak me out.

What do you mean, snuggle-bug?

That is what I mean!

You follow me around, you tried to give me a foot massage, and then you sprung that surprise date on me.

Who does that?

Oh, no! Do you know what this means?

I've become...

Stuart.

Is Stuart slang for stalker?

Sort of.

Listen, pal you just made the biggest mistake of your life!

Zuri is the sweetest, most beautiful girl in the world.

And maybe I am stuck in the friend zone, but I'm lucky to have her in my life any way I can get her.

Man, that was really beautiful.

Hmm.

And your breath reallytinks.

Aw, Stuart. That was so sweet.

I meant every word, my beloved.

Okay, I'm getting out of here before I throw up.

You know what, Stuart, now that I see what you've gone through, I think I owe you an apology. And I have something for you.

A mint? Oh, man, is this it? Our first kiss!

No way! Shane was right. Your breath is nasty.

Oh.

Aw, come here.

Our first hug! Yay!

Okay.

"Poor little guy never even saw that monster truck coming." (Laughs)

Brava, Jessie, very nice work.

Hey! Ravi, you said you'd make sure Jessie was late!

I would never betray my nanny just to gain a friend!

How pathetic do you think I am?

Do not answer that!

Ravi told me all about your little plan.

Aw, what's wrong, Abbey?

Did your horoscope not mention anything about being tricked by an 11-year-old?

I am 13.

Really?

Abbey, that was quite a gesture, letting Jessie audition with that character you created.

That's what friends are for.

Unfortunately, the director said it was the worst audition he's ever seen.

What? You said it was a brave choice!

Yes, apparently too brave.

I believe his exact words were, "what kind of monster laughs when telling an 8-year-old his dog has been flattened by a truck?"

Yes! Jessie blew it! I still have a sh*t!

Actually, Jessie's take on the character was so disturbing, the director has decided to cut it entirely.

And start seeing a therapist.

Way to go, hack.

Your acting's so bad, it cost both of us a job!

Sorry, this whole friendship before career thing is gonna be hard for me.

Yeah, I'm picking up on that.

On the bright side, they're casting for a role uptown that you both would be perfect for. Here's the address.

See ya, friend. Ravi, stop her!

Do not even try. Nothing can dislodge me.

I am an immovable boulder!

More like a portable pebble.

I never want to see you again, Abbey!

Although Brando is always welcome.

There is no reason for the lizards to suffer.

You've got potential. You should join my class for nine to 11-year-olds.

I am 13!

See, it's a rear-view mirror! Get it?

All: Oh.

This is so bad.

I'd actually rather do my homework.

I'd throw a tomato at him, but I'm afraid he'd use it in his act.

You know, this isn't easy, people.

I am under a tremendous...

Strain up here.

I hope you're happy. You've ruined colanders for me!

I can't believe I apologized to you.

Oh, wait! I just got party pooper!

This is horrible.

Well, thanks for staying, Jessie.

No problem. Your parents are paying me to watch you, right?

Yes. Then on with the show.