03x17 - Lights, Camera, Distraction!

[bunniefuu]

I hope Jessie's audition went well.

Does anyone know what it was for? (Door closing)

I just had the worst day ever.

Well, mine just got better.

(Laughing)

Okay, so I thought I was auditioning for a local TV commercial.

Then, suddenly they zip me into this get-up, and I'm standing on the street, trying to get people to eat at "Dan's diggity dog delight!"

Which, by the way, smells worse than the inside of this costume.

Seriously, who wore this before me, big foot?

All: Oh! Whoa!

Why didn't you just take the suit off?

Although that mustard brings out your eyes.

Because the zipper got stuck.

And then the bus driver said he wouldn't let me on because food is not allowed.

It is New York, I am sure no one noticed.

Oh, yeah? I was chased for 20 blocks by hungry dogs and angry vegans.

Considering they don't eat meat, those lentil lovers have a surprising amount of stamina.

Well, I'm just glad you finally got...

Don't say it!

A big roll!

(Bertram and kids laughing)

(Grunts) Hey!

You're a meany weenie.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ it feels like a party every day ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ but they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ my whole world is changing turning around ♪
♪ they got me going crazy yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ but they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ and I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ hey Jessie ♪
♪ hey Jessie ♪
♪ it feels like a party every day ♪
♪ hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Bertram, I have some very exciting news!

Great!

Get back here or your fancy new eight-slice toaster is toast!

Okay, after my whole hot dog debacle, I realized I needed to do something to take my career to the next level.

Don't you need a career first? (Chuckles)

Ow!

So I signed up for a short film competition called quick flicks.

Contestants have just 24 hours to write, sh**t, and star in a film!

Oh, so then you can fail three times!

(Grunts)

You were saying?

The winner gets their film shown in a prestigious film festival.

(Beeps)

Oh! They just emailed me my theme.

It's "love."

Oh, this is perfect! I know all about love.

So it's going to be a horror movie? (Laughing)

My next film is going to be a mystery about the disappearance of an annoying Butler!

Spoiler alert, the nanny did it!

So, what do you guys think of my script? Be honest.

Unless you hated it, then be quiet.

It is riveting, madame Tarantino.

I don't know who this Zuni character is, but I find the scene where she happily finishes her homework totally unbelievable.

Am I to assume I will play the role of Duke, the suave ladies' man?

I'm pretty sure that's me, dude.

But the only other boy role is Tavi, the pathetic wretch whose only friend is a wizard.

Oh, that's suppose to say, "lizard."

Oh! Oh...

Zuri, you are also in charge of set design.

Great, what's my budget?

Nothing.

Then that's what you're getting.

Bertram, you are craft services.

Ooh, what's that?

It means you feed the crew.

Oh, so basically what I always do.

Thanks for including me in your glamorous world of show business.

Okay, people, we only have 13 hours to get this movie in the can.

I better go get Tony a copy of the script.

Do you really think Tony wants to re-create how you met and fell in love?

Even though you dumped him and stomped on his heart?

Not that I'm taking sides.

The breakup was mutual, but maybe you're right.

It might be kind of awkward to act out our relationship on camera.

It was awkward enough for those of us who had to watch it in real life.

So, who is going to play "Toby," the handsome Jersey doorman you fall for?

(In Jersey accent) Bada-bing! I got your doorman right here.

And you can keep him.

Why don't you hire Nicolas Cage?

He'll do anything.

I can't afford Nicolas Cage!

Can't even afford to download one of his movies.

And I don't have the time to sit and audition tons of young, good looking guys!

You didn't have the time, huh?

Hey, casting is a very important part of the filmmaking process.

Mmm-hmm. (Elevator pings)

Um, Jessie, why have so many good looking guys been coming up here?

Including, now, myself.

I'm making a movie about our relationship.

And these guys are auditioning to play you.

Oh. But why didn't you just ask me to play me?

I mean, I saw that movie where Lincoln played himself.

That wasn't Lincoln. It was...

Don't bother.

I spent two hours trying to explain to him that E.T. was a puppet.

He rode a bicycle!

Okay, well, if you're okay with it, I'd love to have you play you.

Thanks! I'll make a great me. (Chuckles)

Oh, Jessie, I just thought of a way to make your script better.

Maybe even good!

Your love story needs a twist.

I don't care that our two kinds are forbidden to love, we belong together!

(Howling)

Oh, Toby, I love it when you howl with passion.

That's actually pain. You're standing on my paw.

Oh, sorry.

And I love you more than o-positive.

Kiss me! Ugh!

What's wrong? I just combed my arms.

I know, and they're lovely, it's just that you have a slight flea problem.

Aw, wolfman!

This stupid collar was supposed to be good for three months!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Have you guys seen a sparkly, pink ball, with teeth marks?

Kinda smells like this... (Exhales deeply)

I haven't seen you at any of the pack meetings.

What kind of werewolf are you?

I'm a were-poodle! (Chuckling)

You're not very scary.

But I'm adorable!

And hypoallergenic.

You have a little human in your fangs.

(Cat mewing) Ooh, cat! (Chuckles)

Where's a silver b*llet when you need one?

Okay, even if I wanted to do that, which I don't, where would I find a werewolf costume on such short notice?

Easy, just shave Bertram's back and glue it all over Tony.

Okay, I can't tell you how many different ways that makes me nauseous.

Okay people, we only have 10 hours to finish this film.

We need to sh**t the scene where "Chantal" meets "Toby."

Hey, who's this "Toby" guy?

You! Seriously, you have the memory of a goldfish.

So I am "Tavi," and Luke is "Duke."

How do you get "Chantal" from Jessie?

I just always liked that name.

Where's Zuri?

I'm sorry, but it took me forever to get her to wear this.

I don't wear tutus anymore.

What am I, a kid?

She bites harder than Mrs. Kipling.

And at least Mrs. K apologizes by leaving a rat at your door.

Zuri, this is how you were dressed when we met.

Now get in position and no more biting.

Okay, can we finally get the first sh*t!

Craft services is here with lunch!

No, Bertram, no, we don't have time to eat!

But I worked so hard. I even chopped stuff.

Okay, fine!

(Muffled voice) Happy now?

There were toothpicks in those.

(Gagging)

Okay. Do you know what you have to do?

Of course.

When you fall to the ground I say, "aw, man. Are you okay?".

Then help you up, like when we first met.

Great. And since I can't afford a cab, I'm just going to run and fall.

Okay, let's do this!

Action!

Whoa!

Aw...

What's my line again?

"Aw, man!"

Ten bucks says the battery in the camera dies before we get this.

(Both laughing)

Okay, Tony, let's try this again.

Action!

Whoa!

Aw, mom!

Aw, man!

Sorry, Jessie... Chantal... whoever you are.

Okay, let's try 'er again.

Action! Whoa!

Really? Hey, I'm still on the clock!

Jessie, I've been thinking.

What this movie needs is some real action, and a new leading man. (Chuckles)

Thank you so much for rescuing me from Dr. dastardly's volcano lair.

You saved me just in time.

I know, your toes are still smoking.

And the rest of you, too.

Why, thank you. But I don't even know your name.

Ross.

Luke Ross.

And you are?

Dimples. Dimples galore.

(Tires screeching)

How are we going to get away from those evil spies who want to blow up the world, even though it means their death as well?

Which I find to be kinda counter-intuitive.

I don't know what that word means, but you're so cute I might look it up later.

Now, before I force those evil spies off that cliff with an assortment of wicked cool gadgets, how about a high-speed kiss?

Wow, that is action-packed.

But I would just make one small change.

Farewell, Mr. Ross.

Maybe I should have thought this through.

(Tires screeching)

(Screaming)

There is no way I'm doing a movie where women wear skimpy clothes and are objectified.

Then you're going to hate the sequel.

Okay, let's get moving!

But Tony has over 20 lines in this scene.

What are we going do?

I'll sh**t around him.

What does that mean? I'll fix it in post.

Come again? Oh, just go point the camera and capture the magic!

Chantal, you are amazing.

Your eyes remind me of a full baboon.

Cut!

Again! Tony, for the tenth time, the line is, "a full moon."

It's not romantic to say that my eyes remind you of a monkey's butt.

Sorry, but re-living our relationship is making me feel kind of uncomfortable.

Or it could just be from eating 10 helpings of pasta fazool.

Back in a minute! Or an hour.

That fazool binds you right up.

Jessie, when you said I was "in charge of the boom,"

I thought I would get to blow stuff up.

At least you do not have to keep peering through this camera for hours.

My right eye refuses to open.

And I am tired of making food with "fazool" in the name.

Great, any more complaints?

Yes. Your movie is boring.

I meant any complaints that don't make me sad?

No. But I have an idea how to spice this up.

Wait!

No! Let me go.

This is the end of the line for you, schoolmarm!

(Eagle screaming) Wow, you really don't want to do your homework.

Who needs to know geography in the wild east?

West! Wild west!

You are a horrible student! And evil!

I'm a 10-year-old girl with a mustache.

It tends to make you a little cranky!

Well, your plan will never work!

My true love, the sheriff, will save me!

You mean that cowpoke?

(Eagle screaming)

Howdy!

Okay, maybe your plan will work.

Zuri, I have to sh**t a love story.

There is nothing romantic about being crushed by a train.

Jessie, it's a metaphor.

You're so one-dimensional.

Jessie, I have some choices for your clothes for the next scene!

I went in your closet, but then I just got dizzy and depressed, so...

So I brought you some of mom's stuff.

Oh, thanks, Emma, but I want to wear the exact outfit I had on when I went on my first date with Tony.

Okay, but no wonder your relationship didn't work out.

Wait, you still need make-up!

I have to make you look two years younger!

Fyi, you have way more worry-lines now than when you started working here.

I can't imagine why!

Look, if I'm going to get this film ready for the contest, I have to get this scene where Tony and I kiss in the teacup!

Now, go get him.

Zuri, where's my teacup?

Right here!

Ta-da!

It's smaller than I expected.

And less teacup-y.

And more cardboard-y.

You get what you pay for.

How is the audience supposed to believe that Toby and Chantal are trapped in there?

Uh, kneel down. Problem solved.

I want a producer credit for that.

Uh, Jessie, we have a small issue.

How small?

I'd say about three sizes.

Who would have suspected a $15 tux was dry clean only.

Everyone!

On the bright side, at least your outfit matches the teacup.

Now get in, we need to start the scene.

Ravi, is the water effect ready?

Why does Ravi get to do it?

Dousing people with water is my specialty!

And yet, the concept of bathing eludes you.

Guys, knock it off. We need to get going!

Ready, and action!

I cannot believe we're trapped in this huge teacup.

(Whispering) Down! Down!

Well, at least we're finally alone together, Toby.

And nothing can ruin this perfect moment.

(Clicks) I said, nothing can ruin this perfect moment.

(Clicking) Ravi! Ruin this perfect moment!

It should be working...

Never mind. Let's just skip to the kissing scene, we're running out of time!

Oh, Toby... Um, Jessie...

It's Chantal! No, I'm talking to you, Jessie.

I just don't feel comfortable kissing you, now that we're broken up.

It's called "acting."

I know it's awkward, but this movie is really important to me!

I understand, but I just can't!

Just think back to how in love we were at this incredibly sweet, romantic moment.

Now kiss me, you greasy haired mook!

(Cloth ripping) I'm sorry, Jessie. You'll just have to finish your movie without me.

It's just too weird!

And now that I've split my pants, it's a little too drafty.

Wait, Tony, come back!

This is the most important scene in the movie!

Who am I going to kiss?

Me, me! I'll do it!

(Glass shattering) Oh, now I see why they call it a "boom." (Chuckling)

Cut. Just cut.

Can't anything go right?

Well, the water effect is working.

Jessie, we know you're upset, but you can't just sit around and drown your sorrows in fro-yo.

Why not? It's the only thing I've done today without messing it up.

Jessie, that's not true.

Thank you, Zuri.

I was talking about the fro-yo.

You've got it all over you.

Oh, man, this was a designer dress.

This is getting sadder and sadder.

Okay, guys, I don't know if you're noticed, but my acting career hasn't exactly gone the way I thought it would.

No. You're kidding.

I've not noticed. Your last job was as a hot dog.

Love you.

Hey, look, I know I've been really stressed out lately, and I'm sorry if I've been a little too harsh on you.

All I ever wanted was to do something creative with my life, and I just...

I'm afraid that this movie is my last chance.

Jessie, you're an amazingly talented person.

Yeah, we know you'll make it if you just keep trying.

You must continue the pursuit of your cinematic aspirations.

He took the words right out of my mouth.

And made them big and confusing.

Thank you, guys.

I really appreciate it.

But there's only an hour until the deadline.

Even if I could manage to piece together a film from what we sh*t, I still don't have an ending.

I know! I have got the perfect way to end your movie!

Prince Toby, I don't care if that evil mystic did turn you into a lizard.

I will always love you. (Growling)

Sweetie, you got a little rat blood.

Princess, I am so touched by your love, I shall undo the spell I cast upon him. (Gasps)

But first, we dance!

Wait, why?

Because it is the end of a Bollywood movie. It is what we do!

When in Ranchipur.

(Indian dance music playing)

Okay, hold it, dances with lizards.

Flying to India is way out of my budget.

Along with waterproof mascara.

There's gotta be something you can do.

Thanks, guys, but this whole thing was a disaster.

And not only did I waste all of your time, but I may have ruined my friendship with Tony.

Not to mention creating a big pile of cinematic swill.

Oh, sorry.

Were we not compiling a complete list?

Are you licking your dress?

Don't judge me!

(Laughing)

What's so funny? Everything you sh*t.

Check it out! (Laughing)

I'm so happy my misery brings you joy.

Your misery is even better in slo-mo!

(Bertram laughing)

Wow. You can actually see the exact moment my soul gets crushed.

(Chuckles)

Wait a minute, that shouldn't be on film.

That's what I thought when I read your script.

No, I mean, I told Ravi to cut before that happened.

Well, judging by the fact that there is eight hours of footage, I don't think Ravi ever stopped the camera.

It's funny sped up, too.

You know, all the stuff that wasn't in your script is actually kind of entertaining.

Wait a second.

Bertram, that gives me a great idea!

You're going to quit showbiz and move back to Texas?

I may have already packed your bags.

No, I meant I know how I'm going to finish my movie!

That's for the comments on my script.

That was just for fun.

So, how's it going?

I'm exhausted, but I'm done!

I just have to hit "send" within five seconds.

Five, four, three...

And, sent.

I want a producer credit for that.

Jessie: (On TV) Sometimes, the path to love can be paved with a lot of bumps and bruises.

And maybe things don't turn out exactly how you planned.

But sometimes you find love in places that you least expect it.

So even though I set out to sh**t a movie about romance...

(Cheering and applauding)

Finding this family is the greatest love story I could ever tell. (Laughing)

(All applauding)

We love you too, Jessie. (Chuckles)

I do not know what was more beautiful, your poetic narration, or the way I framed that final sh*t.

I can't believe you finished that whole thing in just 24 hours!

Yeah, we never thought you could pull it off.

But you guys seemed so supportive!

You know how when I have a math test, and you say I can ace it, but we both know you're lying?

Yeah. It was like that.

(Sobbing)

Wow, it even made Bertram cry.

It's not the movie.

I just wasted 20 bucks on an "at least you tried" card.

Thanks, Bertram. Don't worry, we won't let it go to waste.

Ravi's has his P.E. Final coming up.

Oh, hey, Tony. Hey.

Here.

Oh, thanks.

Good catching up.

Jessie, I'm really sorry about quitting your movie, and for letting you down.

It was just awkward playing romantic scenes with my ex, you know?

It's okay. It was weird for me, too.

If it makes you feel better, I was pretending you were James Franco the whole time.

You mean during the filming, or while we were dating?

Let's not re-hash the past.

Oh, Tony, this is from the quick flicks festival!

My film got accepted!

Congratulations! (Laughing)

Oh, that's...

So, when do we start filming the sequel?

Well, I thought it was awkward for you playing my boyfriend.

Awkward-schmawkward, this thing's a hit!

Okay, you can be in it if you can tell me just one of your lines.

Thought so. (Elevator pings)

Aw, man!

That doesn't count.