03x19 - The Telltale Duck

[bunniefuu]

Ah, what a beautiful day!

(Screeching)

I don't remember the weather report saying there's an 80% chance of cage!

Help!

Child trapped in a fruitsicle stick prison here!

Nobody?

New yorkers.

So that was my nightmare.

What do you think being trapped in a fruitsicle stick cage means?

We're studying dreams in psychology class.

Obviously, you're afraid of Nicolas cage.

Yeah, well, who isn't? Two words, crazy eyes.

But I think I have a better theory.

That any frozen treat that leaves you with a purple tongue for two days may not be good for you?

What do you expect? There's no such fruit as a "graple-Berry."

No, I think Zuri's just stressing because her empire state building stick model is due Monday, and she hasn't even started it yet.

Wait a minute, back up!

You're telling me that there's no such fruit as a "graple-Berry"?

No, there isn't.

Then what grows on a graple-Berry tree?

(Chuckles) You got me there.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ it feels like a party every day ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ but they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ my whole world is changing turning around ♪
♪ they got me going crazy yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ but they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ and I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ hey Jessie ♪
♪ hey Jessie ♪
♪ it feels like a party every day ♪
♪ hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

You know, I had a nightmare last night too.

(In a mock child voice) Gee, Bertram. Why don't you tell us all about it.

(Normal voice) Okay.

I was back in high school, and my pants fell down.

Everyone saw my famous-butlers-in-history boxers!

Including little jeeves!

You in your boxers?

Sounds like a nightmare for everybody else.

Oh! I know what that dream means.

You have a deep-seated fear of belts.

I'm pretty sure it means he's anxious about something, and that there is no way you're passing psychology.

I am nervous about going to my thirtieth high school reunion tomorrow night.

All: Oh!

Whoa!

Is there a lifeguard on duty in there?

Why are you afraid of getting together with your old classmates?

And antiperspirant?

Because my old Nemesis, Eric Booth, is going be there.

He always teased me. Meanwhile, now he's a wall street millionaire, and I'm going to feel like a loser.

Oh, Bertram, you are not a loser!

No. You are a very... No?

And you've got a lot of... Lot of...

And don't forget about your fantastic...

Fantastic, what? Eh...

A little help here?

We got nothin'.

Look, Jessie! Mummy m*ssacre!

This is the new video game all the cool kids are playing.

How do you know what the cool kids are doing?

Did one of them finally talk to you?

No, but if I play this game, it will give me something to say to them besides, "just because I can fit in my locker, does not mean I enjoy it."

Well, I suppose you can get it. I mean, you ask for so little and...

Holy aorta, what is that mummy doing to that guy's heart?

I admit it is a little violent.

A little?

No. I'm sorry, Ravi, I can't let you have such a gory game.

Ravi, the trick is to buy the game without asking permission.

We call that, "pulling a Zuri."

And by the way, I'm going to tell the owner not to sell you that game. Just in case you're thinking of pulling a Zuri.

Fiddlesticks!

Ravi, language!

You are right. I will wash my own mouth out with soap.

But now, thanks to Jessie, I will never be cool!

You can't blame that all on Jessie.

I will not do this. I cannot do this.

I have done it! I am a thief!

But not a very good one, because I am narrating my crime.

Oh, Bertram, I've been thinking a lot about your pathetic life.

Oh, I actually prefer that to you talking about yours.

I think we can all agree that you both have very little to wake up for in the morning.

Okay. What I was trying to say, before the ugliness started, was I know how you can enjoy your reunion.

Kidnap Eric Booth, ship him to the north pole, slather him in seal grease, and feed him to polar bears?

No, and you've clearly thought way too hard about this.

No, you should just go and tell them all you're a big success.

Ooh, lying, I like it!

If you need any help, I'm your girl.

I'm actually writing a book on lying.

You are? No. See? Lie!

Okay, Zuri, I am not suggesting he lie.

In the acting profession, we call it "creating a backstory." I do it for all my parts.

Considering you haven't gotten any parts, I'm going to keep the polar bears as plan b.

Luke, I have something to show you.

I'm trying to read here.

Check this out!

Whoa!

Is that mummy m*ssacre?

Jessie told me I couldn't buy violent video games anymore!

I did not buy it.

I stole it!

You stole it?

Whoa.

You went from goody goody to naughty naughty!

I thought I would be overcome by guilt, but instead I feel strangely exhilarated.

As if I just solved a difficult algebraic equation, or completed a push-up.

The latter is, of course, a hypothetical.

Yeah, yeah. Less chatter, more splatter.

I just ripped out that mummy's spleen!

Shame on his embalmers for leaving that in.

(Door opening)

What is going on in here?

I haven't heard this much screaming since Bertram passed that kidney stone.

We are playing mummy m*ssacre.

Wait a minute.

I thought Jessie said you couldn't buy that?

He didn't.

He stole it.

No, seriously, how'd you get it?

It is true, I stole it.

Please do not tell Jessie!

Okay, but it's gonna cost you.

You have to finish my fruitsicle-stick project.

Very well.

And I assume by "finish," you mean "start."

You know me so well.

(Howling)

Thanks for taking us to the park to play basketball, Jessie.

Sure. Guys, maybe instead of playing basketball, we should run in fear. (Groaning)

Why?

Oh, just the undead walking towards us, looking to play jump rope with our intestines.

(Screaming)

Oh. Oh!

Sorry. I would say you should put a bandage on that, but well, you know.

(Groaning)

(Screaming)

Jessie! No! Luke! Can I have your room?

This is why I hate sports!

Hello, I can name all the pharaohs in chronological-order!

Give me a "what-what" if you are on team tut!

(Screaming)

(Screaming)

Emma: Ravi?

Aw, were you dreaming about sports again?

Yes, and mummies.

They were ripping me apart!

Like human string cheese!

Fascinating!

A dream about mummies can only mean one thing.

You're afraid of running out of toilet paper.

Who is not?

But I think my nightmare is because I pilfered a mummy-themed video game.

The guilt has penetrated my subconscious, manifesting itself into a terrifying nocturnal reverie.

Me steal video game.

Feel bad.

Okay, now remember, your backstory for the reunion is that you made millions of dollars as a cat-toy mogul.

Ooh, ooh, can I say it was my idea to put the bell inside the toy mouse?

Sure. Go nuts.

Okay, do you have your new and improved life memorized?

I'm trying, but you've given me so much stuff to remember!

When I need to remember something, I write it on my hand.

"Lie to Jessie about party Saturday night."

Oops.

She makes my job so easy.

Okay, you went to college at?

Harvard!

And you have vacation homes in?

Southampton, lake como and bimini!

On the weekends you?

Work as a secret government agent, traveling the world, capturing enemy spies!

What?

Slow your roll, lame bond.

It's supposed to be, on the weekends you help needy children.

I like the spy thing better.

Spy? I can hear you coming from five rooms away!

My water glass starts doing the Jurassic park shaky-thingy.

Fine. I help needy children.

Okay, I think you're ready to respond "will attend" to your reunion.

Oh, no. Look at this.

Bertram, I've already seen your screensaver with you as the sixth member of 'n sync. It's weird.

No. It's a picture of Eric Booth and his girlfriend on the reunion page.

She's stunning! Wow!

Uh, I mean she's...

She's not that beautiful. She's way out of your league, but...

I can't show up without a gorgeous date.

Jessie, would you do me one more big favor?

You need a beautiful girl to go with you to the reunion? No problem, I'll do it.

Oh... eh...

I meant I wanted you to call one of your friends. But, eh...

Okay, you'll do.

Oh, Ravi, you're supposed to run from the mummies!

Not walk like an Egyptian towards them!

I deserve to be disemboweled by the undead!

I disobeyed Jessie, and I stole...

And you're keeping me from b*ating this game! So pick it up!

Jessie: Ravi? Where are you?

Oh, dear! We cannot let Jessie see the game!

Ow!

I got it! I'll eject the game, eat the disk, and we'll just wait to get it back, probably by tomorrow morning.

Or we can change the channel and hide the game box.

Hey, guys. What'cha watching?

Uh, just guy stuff.

The view?

Yes, that sherri Shepherd is a hoot!

Okay.

Look, Ravi, I've been feeling bad about not letting you get that video game.

So, I got you this.

"Healthy snackland?"

Yeah, like the box says, "you'll have a kale of a good time!"

Thank you, Jessie. But I do not deserve this.

(Heart b*ating)

Of course you do. After all, you've always been so good.

Yes... good... (Heart b*ating continues)

Can somebody please turn that horrible, incessant noise off?

Sure. (Switches off TV)

I see someone's itching to play healthy snackland.

If you draw three antioxidant cards, you get to ride a celery toboggan down mount parsnip!

(Door closing)

That is it! I cannot tell a lie.

Yes, you can!

Jessie thinks I put on clean underwear every day.

No one thinks you do that.

I must sneak this game back onto the shelf.

Then run as fast as a boy in orthopedic sandals can go!

(Door closing) So the goal is to get to the carrot castle and save queen cabbage? Oh.

Just looking at this game gives me gas.

Oh, no.

There's my arch Nemesis, Eric Booth.

Don't worry. Just stick to your backstory, and you'll be fine.

Bertram?

Bertram stinkle?

Hello, Eric.

And it's winkle.

Not if you were downwind from your locker, pal.

(Laughing)

Wow, you have not changed a bit.

Sadly.

This is my girlfriend, alexia.

It's short for Alex.

Nice to meet you.

This is my girlfriend... Dr. Jessie Prescott, head of veterinary medicine at city animal hospital.

What? When did that happen?

Oh. You mean becoming head of the department?

Just last week, sweetie.

After I saved the mayor's cockapoo.

You would not believe where I found the key to the city.

I'm in the finance game. Mergers and acquisitions.

So, tell them how well you're doing, stinkle... I mean, honey.

I am a cat toy model.

Mogul. Mogul.

Really?

Yes, I am a multi-millionaire, with homes in southampton, lake como, and jimini.

Bimini.

Bertram was the one who put the bell in the mouse.

(Gasps) I love those.

They're so much fun.

Oh, how many cats do you have?

None.

Emma: Ravi, I'm really proud of you for returning this game.

It's the right thing to do.

And we support you in that.

But you're being selfish.

How am I being selfish?

Because if you return the game, I'll have to do my own homework.

Shame on you!

And I haven't beaten the game yet.

You know I can't quit something before I finish it.

Didn't you leave in the middle of a geography test last week because it gave you "think pains"?

I am going to return this game I stole, and there is nothing you can do to stop me!

(Gasps) Uh-oh.

He heard me!

Run! I hate running!

(All laughing)

And then I invented the cat toilet with a little, attached magazine rack, that bought me my second yacht, the frisky kitty.

(All chuckling)

Which is also my pet name for the old ball and chain here.

(Chuckling)

Might I remind you that I am Matt Damon's veterinarian?

I neutered Jason bourne's labradoodle.

This reunion is supposed to be about me.

Having high profile clients is good for my imaginary business.

Hey, stinkle, I was just reminding everyone how you went to the prom with your mom. (Chuckling)

I did not! It was my aunt.

My mom was busy.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to announce the reunion awards.

A former class president's work is never done.

Ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention please, class of '84.

So, alexia, how long have you known Eric?

I don't know. Counting's hard.

Our first award is for "best retention of hair."

I think we all know who it won't be going to, right stinkle?

And the winner is...

Well, hey, what do you know, it's me, Eric Booth!

(Laughing)

(All applauding)

If it was an award for best ear hair, Bertram would have won it. It's like a forest in there.

Thank you. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, dear, I am going to the slammer!

I will not survive one day in the prison yard!

I cannot lift weights!

On the bright side, you're a shoo-in for the prison chess team.

(All laughing)

This is no laughing matter!

I am carrying stolen goods, and you are all accessories!

(Gasps) Yay! I'll be a cute clutch purse!

Ravi, if you don't want to get caught, just destroy the evidence.

And if you're going to eat it, take it out of the box.

I learned that the hard way.

(Grunting)

Curse my gerbil-like strength!

Give me that!

Now we are littering?

Will this crime spree never end?

Come on, let's sneak back home before Jessie sees us and wonders what we're doing here.

Okay.

Jessie: Kids, what are you doing here? And why should I be mad about it?

I am a criminal!

After you forbade me from playing that video game, I gave in to a momentary lapse in judgment.

The pressure to be cool and fit in overwhelmed me and...

And I stole it.

Luke, I am so disappointed in you!

It was Ravi!

Very sorry, force of habit.

Ravi, I am so disappointed in you.

You are going to take that game back right now and admit what you've done.

I cannot. Luke broke it.

There it is.

Jessie, I assure you the pain of having to look at myself in the mirror is more punishment than you could possibly dole out!

Oh, yeah? Challenge accepted, pal!

And now the moment we have all been waiting for, colfax high's most successful alumnus is...

(Chuckles)

Bertram winkle?

I won? (All applauding and cheering)

I won! (Chuckling)

Wow!

Thank you.

I am so honored.

I was just a man with a bored cat, and a dream, and now... (Quacking)

Quit your squawking, Eric. I won this fair and square!

(Quacking with difficulty)

Oh, no! Something's wrong with that penguin!

Where's Dr. Prescott?

Ravi, stealing is not the way to fit in.

For once, I just wanted to be one of the cool kids.

Being cool means never, ever trying to be someone you're not.

Eric: Dr. Prescott, we need your medical expertise!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pretend to be a veterinarian.

Please, Dr. Prescott, we need your help. Please come with me.

(Quacking with difficulty) There's a duck in distress!

Silly, I'm wearing this dress.

The duck is naked.

Wow...

(Quacking continues)

Darn! I really wish I could help, but... I was absent during duck week at vet school.

Can't you just apply what you learned during goose week?

Okie-doke. I'll give her a look-see.

I'll need a scalpel and some orange sauce in case this doesn't work out.

Okay.

(Exclaiming)

(Gasping)

(All applauding)

(Quacking)

Jessie, you saved the day!

What was the poor duck choking on?

No doubt a bit of refuse some inconsiderate eco-criminal simply tossed away.

Actually, it looks like a piece from your video game!

(All gasping)

How about a round of applause for my girlfriend?

She's as smart as she is pretty.

Do I get a trophy for that?

Girlfriend?

You could have had all this, and a trust fund, but you decided to date the Butler?

Butler?

(Laughing) So you lied?

No! I just...

All: Oh!

Okay, okay, it's true!

I'm not a cat toy tycoon. I'm...

I'm just a Butler, and these are the kids I work for.

I'm sorry.

I just wanted to look like a big sh*t.

It's my fault.

I told him to do it, and I'm the one who made up all the fake backstories.

I'm an actress, not a veterinarian.

Then why were you hugging that naked duck?

Improv? I...

So, stinkle, once a loser, always a loser!

Hey, Bertram is not a loser!

Kids: Yeah!

Do losers get to spend two months a year on a private island?

And get free meals, and all the naps they can take?

Or live for free in a fabulous, multi-million dollar penthouse?

Plus, the place comes with a Butler!

Oh, wait, just forget that last part.

Thanks, guys.

Having you as friends makes me feel like the most successful man here. (Kids chuckling)

Well, I'm glad you feel like it, 'cause clearly you're not.

I should've known you were a fraud the minute you walked in with that sweet arm candy.

She's even prettier than my girlfriend. (Alexia gasps)

What? Okay, that's it!

Eric is not a wall street millionaire.

Alexia. (All gasping)

He's an unemployed bookkeeper, who just got fired by his only client...

His mother. (All gasping and laughing)

Mom did not fire me.

She laid me off. There's a big difference!

I'm not even his girlfriend. (Exhales heavily)

I'm his cousin.

He paid me to come here.

By the way, your check bounced.

So, Eric, looks like the only thing you have that I want is a full head of hair.

(Chuckles) You can have that.

(Screaming)

(All gasping)

That was my comb-over!

I haven't seen anything move that fast since I did my internship at the African cheetah sanctuary.

Oh, we're not... Oh, we're not doing that anymore? My bad.

Ew!

Hey, Ravi, enjoying your punishment?

Not really.

The last piece of gum I scrapped off had a tooth in it.

Hope you kept it.

The tooth fairy money will help pay for that video game.

My feet are k*lling me!

Mine too!

I promise I'll never blackmail my brother again.

Don't you mean, you'll never blackmail anyone again?

Let's crawl before we walk.

And I'm sorry for aiding and abetting a fugitive, destroying evidence, and changing your facepage status to "dating Luke Ross."

Wait! What was that last one?

Nothing!

Get your video games here!

I don't understand why you're forcing me to work here.

I told Ravi the right thing to do, and I even tried to help him!

Yeah, sorry about that, but with all four of you being punished, it means I get the afternoon off.

Peace!