04x15 - Someone Has Tou-pay

[bunniefuu]

Wait, Bertram hasn't made breakfast yet?

Why didn't someone go get him?

Although we are famished, we have mixed emotions about encouraging Bertram to cook.

Don't worry, I'll whip up a Fort Tavey specialty.

All I need is five kinds of jalapenos and a gallon of lard.

All: Bertram!

(Whistling)

One healthy breakfast, coming up!

Wow.

Uh... So Bertram, are you going to introduce us to your little friend?

I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.

Then that toupee glue must have soaked into your brain.

(Laughing)

Did you guys forget that tonight is my reunion concert for my boy band, Badd Direction?

How could we forget? You've been talking about it for a month!

That's longer than the band existed!

Hey, Grill Marks on my Heart went to number five in Finland.

To this day, I can still get free stuffed herring anywhere in Helsinki.

But that does not explain the hedgehog on your head.

Back then I was called "the Hair."

This is what my fans want to see.

Trust me, nobody wants to see that.

I better put this away, so it doesn't get messed up before the show tonight.

Also, it might want to run on its exercise wheel.

(All laughing)

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

My fortune says, "You will be blessed with many children."

I don't know about blessed.

Mine says I have a large sum of money coming my way.

Did something happen to Grandma?

Try to at least sound concerned.

Ooh, I'm going to be on a magazine cover!

That's your fortune?

No, I just got an email.

All right, who stole my hair?

Father Time? Mother Nature?

No, I mean my toupee.

I already lost my hair once.

I can't lose it again!

Can't you get a new one?

Something more Brad Pitt, less armpit?

No, it was custom made.

My concert's in a few hours, and "the Hair" can't be the only guy in the band without any hair!

Don't worry, Bertram. I'll help you find it.

It'll be perfect practice for my audition.

I'm up for the role of Detective Phyllis Marlowe in a film noir TV commercial.

We know. You've been making us watch all those 1940s mystery movies.

The mystery is how we stayed awake.

And why everyone talked so weird back then?

They sounded totes cray.

So, what's the commercial for?

Oh, Legs Up Bug Spray.

But it's only gonna air in foreign markets.

Because it was just banned in the United States.

Hey, it was supposed to k*ll roaches, and it did.

It just didn't stop there.

So, blondie, do you have anything you'd like to tell me?

Yeah. You're dressing for the wrong century.

And why are you talking like a silent movie?

Nobody talks in silent mo... Oh, never mind.

I am in character. It helps me think.

So, why do you assume I took the toupee?

Because I found glittery footprints leading up to Bertram's room, a flake of your nail polish on the wig stand, and your nameplate necklace at the scene of the crime!

(Scoffs) That's all you've got?

No.

I also found this lock of golden hair.

That's not mine!

Good thing, because it's dry, brittle, and has horrible split ends.

How dare you!

I just had a hydrating treatment!

So it is yours! Tell me everything you know.

Including the name of that treatment.

I was only trying to help!

I couldn't let Bertram wear that wig the way it was.

So, I decided to give it a makeover...

Jessie: And just like that, she sang like a canary.

Emma Ross was a snazzy dame.

She knew that if being ugly were a crime, that toupee would go straight to the slammer.

Ow!

Oh, that's better.

Jessie: She was only trying to help the help, who was up coif creek without a comb.

So she tried some conditioner, and it might've worked, except this wasn't your run-of-the-mill mop.

No!

Why would the big palooka buy such cheap hair?

We really should give the poor, sweet lug a raise.

Well, that's better.

I didn't know the toupee would react to my conditioner like that!

I can't believe Bertram planned to make a comeback in synthetic hair!

The man does love his coupons.

So where's the toupee?

I hid it in the living room cabinet.

Where we keep the school supplies?

Brilliant! No one would ever suspect you of opening that.

(Chuckles) I know, right?

But when I went back later to see if the toupee had de-puffed, it was gone!

Wait!

I know who has the toupee!

It was in the school supply cabinet, and the only person who does schoolwork around here is Ravi!

(Gasps) Of course!

So, who has the toupee?

We should use your college fund on a nice vacation.

Bertram?

You're supposed to be on stage in Central Park in three hours.

Are you rehearsing any dance steps besides the Sitting Man?

I can't do my moves without my hair.

I have nothing to flip.

You dance with your feet, not your follicles.

C'mon, show me what you got.

I'll give you some pointers.

Well, in case Jessie does find my toupee, I guess I should be ready to dazzle them with my high-energy funk.

Help me up.

(Dance music playing)

(Bones cracking)

Wow.

That was great!

But maybe you could do it a little more like this.

If I had my hair, I could do that.

Really?

So it had magical powers?

Okay, there's no need to be nervous.

I'm just going to ask you a few...

I am guilty!

Send me to my room until college entrance exams!

Okay, I appreciate your honesty, but you confessing so quick really takes the fun out of this for me.

Oh, I apologize, Jessie.

Shall I resist more?

Oh, just tell me what you know.

This girdle's really tight, and I have to go to the bathroom.

It was a classic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I had just color-coordinated my kurta closet...

Jessie: Ravi folded faster than a dry cleaner at quittin' time.

The poor crumb found the toupee while pilfering recreational homework supplies.

Even his crimes were boring.

What is this puzzling puffball?

(Croaking)

You are right! It is Bertram's toupee!

We must fix this.

(Croaking)

Fine, I will fix it.

You know, it would not k*ll you to lift a claw around here once in a while.

(Croaking)

Jessie: Ravi wanted to return the toupee, but he knew if Bertram took a gander at it now, it would take him on a one-way trip over Breakdown Falls.

(Exploding)

Huzzah! Success!

(Sniffing) Oh!

(Coughing)

Dear gods! Mrs. Kipling, do you smell that?

I will take that as a yes.

Jessie: Ravi had no choice but to take the noxious noggin warmer to...

The Fixer.

(Car swerving and crashing)

Aw, lemons!

(Car honking)

Are you the Fixer?

Who wants to know?

I do. That is why I asked.

How'd you get up here?

Remind me to have my doorman rubbed out, and I don't mean by a masseuse.

Miss Fixer, I need your help.

I am desperate to get this problem fixed.

So why are you twistin' my nose about it?

Because your nickname and your business card rather strongly imply that you fix things.

(Sniffing) Oh!

Yeah, but that thing stinks like last week's chop suey.

Perhaps this will help?

Deal. Now b*at it, unless you want to stick around for a knuckle sandwich.

No, thank you. I just ate.

(Knuckles cracking)

Oh, I get it. That was a thr*at, not a menu item.

(Sniffing) Oh!

So Zuri has the toupee? Yes.

And all of my vacation money.

Which, let us face it, I was probably going to use for college anyway.

(Dance music playing)

(Groaning) This is hopeless!

Bertram, the problem isn't your dancing, it's your attitude.

And also your dancing.

You have to show some confidence on stage.

Think of your fans.

This performance is the highlight of their lives, which I have to assume are profoundly empty.

But they're expecting "the Hair," not "the Scalp."

Well then, maybe you could have a different nickname.

Like what?

Like... "The Hoarder!" Or "the Napper."

Oh! Oh! How about "the One with an Unhealthy Obsession for Nesting Dolls"?

That won't fit on a T-shirt!

Maybe you could be...

"The Hat"? Yeah!

We had "the Hat." He quit the band!

You know nothing about Badd Direction!

Hey, all I did was take the toupee and get the smell out, just like Ravi wanted.

That's a relief. I knew you were a good kid...

Despite what Kenny Chesney's bodyguard says.

So, where's the toupee?

Up a tree.

Please tell me that's a metaphor.

Nope. See, I tried to wash it, but that did not go so well. I was just following...

Jessie: Everyone knew the Fixer had many skills, but laundry wasn't one of them.

Aw, nuts!

(Blowing)

Maybe five bottles of bubble bath was too much.

(Sniffing)

Smells beautiful, though.

Jessie: The Fixer may have nixed the stink... (Bird cawing) ...But she was about to eat crow.

Hey!

This job is for the birds!

So, let me see if I follow your tune.

Some sticky-taloned Maltese falcon air-lifted the wacky weave to tall, green, and leafy over here?

If you have an English button, please push it!

Sorry, but I am paying $100 for a dialogue coach for a 30-second commercial.

I gotta get my money's worth.

Now, are you sure you saw the bird bring Bertram's toupee to this tree?

Definitely. I watched the whole thing through the telescope.

Well, there's no hairpiece up here.

Just some binoculars, and alarmingly large eggs.

(Cawing)

(Gasps) No! No!

Jessie: Take that, stupid bird!

(Grunting)

My belt is stuck on the branch.

(Laughing)

(Camera shutter clicks)

Wait, these are Luke's and... I know this tree.

Zuri, you said the bird snatched the toupee at 4:15?

Yeah, why?

Because this is where Luke sits to watch the 4:00 p.m. Ladies Trampoline Practice.

He must've been up here when the bird snatched the toup to its coop.

Thank you, Dr. Seuss.

(Cawing)

Oh, no!

He's coming back! Help me! Get me down, quick!

What? You said "quick."

♪ I'm b*rned but I am free ♪
♪ No more grill marks on my heart ♪

So, what do you think of our hit music video?

I think people must not have had A lot of entertainment options back then. (Sighing)

Okay, we've all seen Bertram's...

Talents.

So now let's help him rehearse.

Thanks, but I'm not going on.

I don't want to be the only one up there with no hair.

Hey, don't think about that.

Just remember you have great hair...

On the inside.

I'm sure in your warped mind that was encouraging.

Okay, I'll give it a go.

But just like when I tried skinny jeans, I don't think this is gonna work.

At least this time we won't have to use the Jaws of Life!

Why can I not be the cool one?

Genetics.

But don't feel bad.

Luke will never read a book without pictures.

Okay, ready? And...

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ First time I saw you on the street ♪
♪ You looked at me... ♪

I don't know about this...

C'mon, what could go wrong?

(All moaning)

What happened here?

All I know is we started cabbage patching.

The rest is a blur.

Here, Luke, let me help you up.

Thank you.

A-ha! Look at your arm! I know...

I've been working out.

No, I mean, look at these scratches.

You got these in the nest!

You have the toupee!

Hang on...

All this time you were trying to convince me I can get by without my hair, and it was you who stole it?

Hey, wait, I can explain.

So Luke took the toupee?

I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Wait a minute, you stole it too?

Actually, Luke didn't steal it.

He took it from a bird, who stole it from Zuri, who got it from Ravi, who found it where Emma hid it, after she took it from you. Ha!

Man, I'm good!

I'm gonna sell so much bug spray.

Okay, so I took it!

But what was I supposed to do, leave it in that tree?

I was trying to do Bertram a favor.

See, Melinda had just done a double backflip, when I noticed the toupee.

Jessie: Luke started yammering that the toupee was in bad shape because he had to wrestle it away from a pterodactyl with a temper.

I haven't seen this many feathers since I got tangled up in that kick line at the Cotton Club!

Jessie: He didn't want to get caught holding the rug, but before he could fix it...

(Bertram humming)

Hey, Bertie!

What brings you into this neck of the woods?

My job, unfortunately.

Oh, cheer up, bub.

The Great Depression is over.

You haven't seen my paycheck.

Out!

I meant to go back and get the toupee cleaned up, but I've been so busy helping Bertram with his choreography, I totally forgot about it.

How could you forget you had my toupee?

All day I've been talking about how much I need it.

In my defense, your dancing is very distracting.

Okay, so apparently everyone's guilty.

First thing tomorrow, I'll issue a mass grounding.

But for now, the important thing is we know where the toupee is!

It's in the freezer!

Well, an icy toupee is fine with me!

It'll thaw out before my first pop 'n lock.

Is he talking about his dance moves, or his joints?

I don't see it!

There it is! My toupee?

No, but I solved the mystery of the missing remote.

Yay!

Now, I'm not trying to accuse anyone, but one of you has the toupee.

Jessie, I do not mean to pick nits, but that is a textbook example of an accusation.

Now, listen here. You were all in on the grift.

You're all hoodlums, punks, g*ons, flimflam artists...

If she keeps talking like this, I'm calling a doctor.

Cram it, Jeeves!

It's her process. Just go with it.

Now, whoever took that toupee out of the freezer and isn't coming clean is the lowest of the low.

(Croaking)

Can it, Kippy.

Perhaps Mrs. Kipling is hungry.

She can't be. I just gave her some grub. Two frozen rats.

(Croaking)

Really? Then that means you were the last one in the freezer, Jessie.

And that's where the toupee was last seen...

Wait, you guys think I pinched the rug?

That's a bunch of hooey!

I never touched it, see, and I'll prove it to you.

Here's what happened...

Jessie: Rat wrangling was never my favorite chore...

Still, this dame was game.

I gave a hungry lizard her chow, and that's all she wrote.

Anyone who thinks I took Bertram's toupee is...

(Record scratching)

Ugh.

There's a rat in this story, and it's not the one Kipling ate!

You fed Bertram's toupee to Mrs. Kipling?

It was an honest mistake!

I didn't mean to mess up the toupee!

We messed it up.

You destroyed it.

And you call yourself a fake detective.

Hey, I'm the one who solved the crime!

You committed the crime!

I'm pretty sure those cancel each other out!

No, no... (All arguing)

Stop it! You were all involved in this.

And thanks to you, my reunion concert is ruined!

Nanny, ground thyself.

Hey, Bertram.

I'm sorry I fed your toupee to the lizard.

I tried to find a card for that, but no such luck.

It's okay. You didn't know what you were doing.

Which is kind of par for the course.

Look, Bertram, I really think you should perform with Badd Direction.

You've waited 25 years for this!

I can't. Not without my secret w*apon.

Well, I've only known you without your hair, and... I think you're wonderful.

I mean, think of all the things you're good at.

Like what? Well, you can...

Huh?

And there's... Uh...

(Chuckling)

Let's not get bogged down in the details.

The point is, every single one of those kids went out of their way to make sure you looked great tonight.

I mean, Zuri did laundry for you.

(Chuckles) That was sweet.

By the way, the new machine's coming tomorrow.

Look, we all believe in you, Bertram.

Really?

Luke: Really.

(Gasps)

Aww...

(Chuckles)

We are your secret w*apon.

And we'll be rooting for you when you are up on that stage tonight, showing everyone why you still get free fish in Finland.

(Laughs)

I appreciate it, guys, but...

No, no, no. No buts.

Now you get up on that stage and you give those fans what they've been waiting for.

Their social security checks?

No!

Badd Direction has a new direction, and it's bigger, better, and bald!

You're right! I'm going to go out there and give it my all!

I just hope they don't laugh at me.

Of course they won't laugh at you!

They paid $65 to see some middle-aged one-hit wonders.

They have no business laughing at anybody.

♪ First time I saw you on the street ♪
♪ You looked at me so warm and sweet ♪
♪ Frothed me up like a fine souffle ♪
♪ Then brought me down, baby ♪
♪ Don't go!

♪ No matter how I tried Is that one "the Heartbreaker"?

More like the hip-breaker.

♪ Can't take any more of you ♪
♪ Even with gravy ♪ So dry!

♪ This is the brand new me ♪
♪ Don't mean your fricassee ♪
♪ I'm b*rned but I am free ♪
♪ No more grill marks on my heart ♪

(Audience cheering)

(Laughing)

Thank you, Central Park!

I'm so happy for Bertram!

Me too!

And I actually enjoyed the concert.

Although, Bertram's crowd surfing was rather unpleasant.

His heinie is excessively sweaty.

(Audience cheering)

You're all bald, too?

Wow! And I thought the fans were flipping their wigs.

See? All Bertram needed was a little confidence.

You are all my disciples!

And I... I'm a golden god!

Wow.

I think we built up his confidence a little too much.

Oh, no! He's gonna crowd surf again!

Run!

(Thudding)

(Glass breaking)

Jessie: So, the bug spray people told me to bug off.

My career was as dead as those roaches.

But at least I cracked the Case of the Wandering Wig.

Still...

There was one little question gnawing at me.

If the lizard ate the hair, then why hadn't the perp pooped the toup?

(Croaking)