01x03 - One in a Million You

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Peter: Oh, man, I thought this map would lead us right to the Cosmic Seed.

Gamora: You thought? (ROARING)

Hey, when you're tracking one of the most powerful artifacts in the universe, you play a few hunches.

Was it a hunch when you unleashed what was trapped in that cave, Quill?

It's not my fault, Drax.

Maps don't lie.

I am Groot?

Oh!

Peter: You could've told me I had it upside-down the whole time.

Which you probably did, but your furry partner never bothered to translate!

Rocket, the shields aren't recharging.

Yeah, yeah, Gamora...

Rocket, we need speed! Stat!

All right, already!

Rocket, targeting system is not functioning. Rocket!

Peter: Rocket! GAMORA: Rocket!

Drax: Rocket! PETER: Rocket!

I am Groot!

Hey!

No need to get personal.

I can't fix four things at once!

You wouldn't have to fix any of them if you didn't keep borrowing parts for your useless gadgets.

I wouldn't have to borrow parts if I had decent supplies to work with on this junker.

Besides, who wouldn't want a neck massager for the pilot's seat?

(VIBRATING)

What? Takes the edge off.

You want me to fix it? I'll fix it.

(YELLS)

Hey, what're you doing?

(ALL SCREAM)

Uh, Rocket? You do realize we're heading straight for the big, cranky dragon thing, right?

Rocket.

Rocket!

Rocket!

(THEME PLAYING)

Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy - S01E03

Don't play chicken with a dragon.

Let go, you ring-tailed maniac!

(GRUNTS) Eat this, gecko.

(ROARS)

Rocket: Ha! Got him.

Peter: Yeah, but you got us, too.

Rocket: "Nice maneuver, Rocket."

"Quick thinking, Rocket."

"Thanks for saving our worthless hides, Rocket."

(SCOFFS) Would a little gratitude k*ll you?

Okay, give me a quantum ratchet with a reverse flange.

I am Groot?

S'matter, sap-for-brains?

Don't you know a fusion wrench from a sonic spanner?

Do not speak so harshly at our leafy companion.

He's my best friend.

I'll speak to him any way I want.

You dropped something.

How 'bout I drop you? (SNARLS)

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS) Are you finished?

(GRUNTING)

I am Groot?

No, don't touch that!

Hmm?

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH GASPING)

(INHALES)

(CHOKING)

I am Groot!

Now what'd you do this time?

Don't blame me.

It was the tree.

Who wouldn't know an airlock from a knothole. Huh?

Peter: I'm guessing that's not Roadside Assistance.

Rocket: More like Roadside Kidnapping!

Okay, you could put us down anytime...

Whoa, not now!

(GRUNTING)

Hello? Anyone here?

Whoa, at least buy me dinner first.

They are merely scanning us for signs of intelligence.

Gamora: They won't find any on Quill.

Hey, my ship!

(SCOFFS) Good riddance to bad trash.

I am Groot!

Drax, watch the left. Gamora, take right.

Rocket, check our six.

Uh, you forgot "up," genius.

Hey, we know that guy.

Collector dude, right?

"Land-Lord," was it?

Star-Lord. Star-Lord!

Hey, what's the big idea of tearing up my ship?

I thought I was looting... Uh, salvaging a derelict spaceship.

I mean, look at it.

You can understand the confusion.

That's just harsh.

We were making repairs when you scooped us up.

Say, you wouldn't happen to have a spare Mark Five Oscillation Overthruster, would you?

Collector: I am sure I have everything you need in my collection.

Including the drones to make the repairs.

Whoa. If I had access to this kind of stash...

Yeah, and if I had one of those repair drones maybe stuff would stay fixed for a change.

Hey! No bucket of bolts knows its way around a bucket of bolts better than I do.

Your tin can was trying to connect the gyro-stabilizer to the accelatron. What a buffoon.

You certainly are one of a kind.

Ah, finally. Someone who appreciates the finer things in the galaxy.

So, how much for that "osculation hovercruster" thing?

Oh, I'm afraid nothing in my collection is for sale.

However, I will consider a trade.

What kind of trade?

I see you have a Spartaxian Cryptocube.

Not for trade. Family heirloom, can't part with it.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Pity.

It appears to be incomplete.

CryptoCubes require Pandorian crystals to unlock their secrets.

(LAUGHING)

Well, duh. Everyone knows that.

Get a load of this guy.

You wouldn't happen to have any of those panda crystal thingies?

Pandorian crystals?

They are rare, but not unique enough for my collection.

However, I could direct you to the location of a crystal and provide the repairs for your ship... in exchange for your technician.

Huh? Say what, now?

I could use someone with your singular attributes.

What do you say, Rocket, my friend?

All this could be yours.

Did I mention the free snacks?

Are those pellets? Mmm!

Peter: No way Rocket is just gonna up and quit the Guardians of the Galaxy.

Rocket: I'll take the gig.

(CRUNCHING) If you think a toaster could do a better job keeping that hunk of junk flying than me, be my guest.

Oh, come on, I didn't mean that a robot is better than you.

Less annoying, maybe?

I have resisted the urge to feast on your roasted carcass, so far.

Oh, now the love-fest starts.

Before, it was "Rocket, do this," and "Rocket, I need that!" Oh, forget it.

I'm quitting you losers for good.

I am Groot.

I know, I'll miss you too, pal.

I am Groot.

'Course I won't forget you.

Even though you were a lousy assistant.

But my mind's made up.

Peter: Not so fast.

You can't just leave me high and dry without my engineer.

At least throw in one of those fancy drone things.

Um...

Deal.

So we're just gonna leave him here?

Look, Rocket just needs time to cool off.

By the time we grab that crystal, he'll beg to come back.

All systems operational, Captain Land-Lord, sir.

I will be providing coordinates to the crystal, as well as constant maintenance on your fine spacecraft.

Besides, it's nice to get a little respect for a change.

And it's Star-Lord. "Star-Lord."

(BEEPING)

I'm better off without those ingrates.

Uh, what's with the badge?

Oh, it's a passkey that grants special access to the lab for your safety and convenience.

By the way, have you seen my collection of plasma canons?

(ROCKET GASPS)

They're just... So...beautiful.

(SIGHS)

I am Groot.

I miss the little rodent, too.

But if your flower's any indication, at least he's happy.

Droney: This way, please. And do watch your step.

Thanks, Droney.

As promised, a Pandorian crystal deposit.

Rock on. You know what?

Maybe this wasn't such a bad deal after all.

(ROARING)

Uh...

Is that...

A mouth?

Aw, seriously?

The Collector totally played us.

I can't believe I fell for that.

Hang on!

Gonna have to drill those molars.

Man, what does this guy brush with?

Gamora: Brakes. Brakes!

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

It's digesting us.

We need tech support.

(BEEPING)

You've reached Rocket. I'm not interested in taking your call...

I'm working on it, Quill!

Sheesh...

Leave a message. Or don't. See if I care.

(ALL GROANING)

Okay, so, what would Rocket do?

Peter: Something...

Crazy!

If his thing has a mouth, it must also have a...

You know, an exhaust port.

Hey, I'm right.

You're also insane.

(FARTING)

(ROARING)

(LAUGHS) Guys.

We just flew out of a space monster's butt.

Oh! How much would Rocket have loved that?

(GRUNTING)

I am Groot.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Droney, see if you can patch up the ship, okay?

Yes, Captain Land-Lord, sir.

Was the crystal to your liking?

Oh, man, I almost forgot.

All right, let's check this out.

No wonder we couldn't find the Cosmic Seed.

Without the crystals, the map is incomplete.

I knew there was something special about that CryptoCube.

Where there's a map, there's treasure.

And the Cosmic Seed is the greatest collectible of all.

(ALARM SOUNDS)

What in blazes?

It's alive. It's alive!

Oblitobot!

(LAUGHS) My perfect creation!

Your master commands you to step forward.

Yes...

Yes!

(ALARM CONTINUES)

Collector: No!

(GROWLS)

Whoa, that's my boy.

(CACKLES)

Hey, wait up. Stop!

Ah!

Hey. Hey, what gives?

My collection!

(GROWLS)

(MOANS)

Pocket Dimension Storage Vial.

Extremely useful for collecting.

What's with the choke?

Why can't I leave the lab?

Clearly your habitat allowed you too much freedom as it is.

What do you mean, "habitat?"

Haven't you figured it out?

You're part of my collection.

I found that maintaining the illusion of freedom keeps some of my specimens more docile.

(GROANING) That collar is a neural control device, programmed to keep you in the confines of your habitat.

(CREATURES ROARING)

Cheer up, Rocket.

I don't just collect any old alien species.

You have to be very special, indeed.

In your case...

One-of-a-kind.

(SHUDDERS)

Gamora: I don't see a destination on the map. I think we need more...

I am Groot.

What's the matter, you need some fertilizer or something?

I am Groot!

You need a bud-vase?

You're pollinating?

You require a pruning?

(GROANS)

I am Groot.

Rocket's in danger.

Repairs are complete, Captain Land-Lord, sir.

Will we be following the map?

Nope, we're going after Rocket.

And you can call me Star-Lord.

Follow the map or bring it to me.

Either way, I will add the Cosmic Seed to my collection.

Think, fur-brain.

How do you bust out of a collar that keys on brainwaves?

Oh...

Duh!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Yo, Groot, can you find Rocket with that wrist corsage?

I am Groot.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Where's Rocket?

Collector: Safely filed away in my collection.

But I'll consider a trade.

The rodent for your Spartax CryptoCube.

Rocket: Hey, I got a trade for you!

You let us go, and I'll bust you in the chops.

Sound fair?

The neural collar.

How...

Rocket: Neural amplifier.

Boosted my own brainwaves and overloaded your stinkin' necklace.

I am Groot.

You said it, pal.

Oh, and one more thing. The rest of your little zoo is coming with us.

You do not want to do that.

Watch me!

(ROARING)

(GASPS) On second thought...

(ROARS)

I wondered what happened to him.

Whoa!

Fin Fang Foom.

Last of the Makluan species.

Fortunately, I added him to my collection shortly after your own unfortunate encounter.

He's truly one of a...

Rocket: Coming through! (SCREAMS)

(ROARS) Get away from my friends, you flying barbeque pit.

Oh, so you admit we're friends?

Just keep dragon-breath busy for me! I got an idea.

Keep him busy how?

Oh, I'm sure you'll think of something.

How did you...

Check your pockets, genius.

Time to tame the dragon.

But first...

How do you like it, fin-face?

Peter: Uh, is it just me, or is this thing kind of indestructible?

So are we.

So nice of you to join us.

Look, we need you to...

Zip it, Quill.

This time, I'm the one making demands.

Groot? You're with me.

The rest of you distract lizard-boy.

(SCREECHING)

No, no, no! Not in there!

My Third Dynasty Krylorian Crystal!

My A'Askavariian Moon Ritual Icons!

My Gunavan Tentacle-Flosser!

This is not happening!

Give me a boost up to his neck.

I am Groot. (GRUNTS)

Woo-hoo!

(ROARING)

Yee-haw!

(LOW RUMBLE)

Uh, I propose a new trade.

I promise to never collect any of you again, and you leave and never, never come back.

Who's docile now?

What do you think? Should we trust the guy who sent us to get swallowed by an asteroid?

Even though we got the crystal anyway? Ha!

I say we let him enjoy his one-of-a-kind creature, from the inside.

No, wait. You need more Pandorian crystals to unlock the CryptoCube's secrets.

I can tell you where to find them.

Deal.

(STUTTERS) Not so fast.

I wanna stick around a while.

I never had so much fun breaking stuff.

Please go, I will do anything.

Anything?

Peter: Think he was telling the truth about where to find those crystals?

Rocket: Eh, you'll find out.

Soon as we get these creatures back to their proper homes.

What about you? Going home too?

Hmm.

I am home.

Excellent, I look forward to more of your feeble attempts to harm me with your puny, rodent fists.

(SCOFFS)

Captain Star-Lord, sir.

Engines are running at 99%.

(g*n BLAST)

Yeah, that's better.

A serious Collector has patience.

The Guardians can do the dirty work, and then I will take the greatest collectible of all for myself...

The Cosmic Seed.

Aren't you going to miss all the resources you had at the Collectors lab?

I didn't exactly leave empty-pawed.

Pocket Dimension Storage Vial.

(ALL GRUNTING)

Yeah!

Who's hungry?

What! Doesn't everyone love pellets?