01x03 - Bear Left Then Bear Write

[bunniefuu]

I feel it! All right!

[Up-tempo music plays]

Take it away!

Hey, Kermit. Two things you need to know.

Hmm?

I cannot work late tonight.

I got to dump this possum I've been seeing.

He's disgusting... not 'cause he's a possum.

Because he's in advertising.

Yeah, well, I hope the second thing I need to know is something I need to know.

Yeah, Fozzie asked me to remind you to read the sketch he wrote for the show.

[Music continues]

[Sighs] I already read it.

I did, too. It's a dumpster fire.

Ah. You're being too nice.

[Sighs]

Sad.

Yeah.

All right! Oh, yeah!

[Cheers and applause]

And we're back with my friend, the annoyingly perfect Christina Applegate!

Um, so, listen, I have a little surprise for you.

Ooh! Mmhmm.

There's nothing I like more than a good surprise.

She hates surprises. Did you know about this?

Christina Applegate brought a hilarious clip of Piggy.

I knew you wouldn't approve it, so I went over your head.

I'm the boss.

Oh, that's right, so I went behind your back.

[Whimpers]

There isn't much of a setup here.

Just basically all my friends were at my house for my birthday party, and, um... You know what?

Let's just... just roll it.

Hey, before we sing, can we take a picture together?

Yeah? Oh, I love you guys so much.

Piggy: Excuse me! Pardon me!

Back up, preggo! She loves me the most!

[Camera shutter clicks]

Whoa!

What? Oh!

Oh, oy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa!

Oh!

[Glass shatters]

[Laughter]

I don't know what's so funny about that.

Oh. Maybe it happened too fast.

Maybe we just need to watch it in slow motion.

[Cheers and applause]

What? No. No, no, no.

Yeah? Should we do it in slow motion?

[Distorted] Whoa! Whoa!

[Thud]

Ohh!

[Laughter]

[Groans]

[Chuckles] I see I made the right call.

You never would have approved this.

[Laughs]

What?

♪

[Ding]

♪ Ooh! ♪

Yeah!

♪ Unh! ♪

Hmm. Time to get things started.

Ha ha ha!

Ooh, ooh! Christiney Applegatey!

Oh, hey.

Your autographen.

Of course. Who do you want me to make it out to?

Meegan.

Oh, is that your daughter, your wife?

No, no. Meegan, Meegan, Meegan.

Oh, you're Meegan?

Yep.

Oh, you go, girl. Live your truth, huh?

[Gasps] Okeydokey.

Kermit!

You in there?

Hey, where's Kermit?

He was supposed to talk to me about my sketch.

Oh, yeah, sure.

It's always, "where's Kermit? Where's Kermit?"

It's never, "hey, Yolanda, how's them night classes going to become an ultrasound technician?"

Pfft!

Yeah.

I got a "B" average, you know!

[Sighs]

Kermit: I mean, if I was just Fozzie's boss and not his best friend, I could be honest and tell him how bad his sketch was.

But since I'm both... [Sighs]

I should just sell my house and move back to Mississippi.

Lower taxes, all the mosquitoes you can eat.

I can make that work.

What? Oh.

He's right behind me, isn't he?

[Sighs] Well, i-it is pretty dark in here.

Uh... [Grunts]

Oh. Hmm.

There's no chance he'll think I'm a baseball trophy, is there?

[Knock on window] Hey, Kermit!

Shh, shh, shh.

What are you doing in there with the lights off?

[Sighs]

You crazy guy.

I'll be right there.

[Sighs] Oh.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Oh, hey, Piggy.

Oh, Christina! Christina, Christina.

Yes.

I am telling you this because we're friends.

We are no longer friends.

Oh, Piggy.

Wait a minute. Is this because I showed that video?

The world just saw me with frosting in my Piggy parts!

Yeah, well, you know what? At least I didn't show that sake commercial you did in Japan.

Remember the tag line was "sake to me, sexy boys."

[Chuckles]

You messed with the wrong lady, lady.

I will get you for this.

You're so cute.

Thank you so much for having me.

[Sighs]

See you, sweetie.

And just so you know, the tag line was "sex it to me, sake boys"!

[Sighs]

[Indistinct conversations]

How did the surgery go, Rowlf?

Oh, fine.

You know, but I kept biting the stitches off, so they put this thing on.

Mm.

Yeah.

So, what do you think?

Well, I-I think the whole craft beer thing's gotten out of hand, you know?

I don't need pumpkin spice in my beer.

[Chuckles] It's like drinking a pie.

I'm talking about the sketch.

Yeah.

Lay it on me, Jack! What's the verdict?

Uh, well, Fozzie, uh... This sketch is, uh...

Yeah?

It's so...

So... So...

So what? Tell me... So good?

Yes, y-yes, exactly, Fozzie.

It... it is so good, it might even be too good for the show, you know?

In fact, I think what you've written here, this should be a movie.

A movie about a porcupine buying dress socks?

Sure. That way you can explore the character.

Why is she buying socks? Who are they for?

Are they for someone the porcupine loves?

And does he love her back?

He does love her back.

Ooh, I got chills.

Ugh, but writing a movie.

[Sighs] When am I gonna find time for that?

Well, I-I-I don't know, but I'll tell you this.

I wouldn't waste any more time writing sketches and showing them to me.

Mnh-mnh. I would not do that.

Oh, you're the best.

Hey, Rowlf, a bottle of your best champagne under $10 for my muse here.

Oh, oh.

[Gnawing]

[Up-tempo music plays]

You're the man.

No, you're the man.

No, no, no. You're the man.

You're the man.

You're the man.

You're the man.

You're the man.

You are the man. You're the man.

You are the man.

You, you.

You, you.

You, you.

You, you!

You. Y-y-y-y-y-y-you.

Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you!

[Chuckles]

You're the man.

Whatever.

♪ It's her show ♪

Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem, everybody!

Très bien. [Laughs]

All right, we got a great show for you tonight, starting with...

E-excuse me, Piggy.

And you are?

[Laughter]

I just wanted to say how much I love you and... and everybody here on "Up Late," but... I've decided to leave the show to write a movie.

[Gasps]

Did you have something to do with this?

Why would you think that?

And it's all because of the encouragement of my dear friend.

Hmm. He's got lots of friends. Kermit the Frog.

[Gasps] Kermit is, like, the third most common frog name in America.

Can we get a sh*t of Kermit?

He's standing right over there.

[Whimpers]

The handsome green devil.

[Applause]

[Sighs]

Fine, it was me. Leave me alone.

[Whimpers]

Pick up, Fozzie. Pick up, Fozzie. Come on, pick up.

[♪ I've been dreaming oh. Of something ♪ cell]

Hello?

Oh, hey, Fozzie.

Kermit! I'm on the road!

I'm doing it, man, because of you.

#Writerslife.

[Laughs]

Yeah, well, you were out of here so fast last night I didn't have a chance to talk to you about what you're doing.

[Laughs]

Whoa, there's a dead deer on the road.

Not gonna bring me down.

Listen, Fozzie, I... [Sighs]

This isn't easy, but I owe you the truth.

Hmm?

You're a good comedian, but you're not a writer.

So, you lied to me?

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Now, please just turn around and come back, okay?

No! No, because I am a writer.

You don't have to believe in me. I believe in me.

Ooh, see? That... that's good dialogue right there.

H-honestly, it's a little contrived.

Where are you going, anyway?

No, I'm off the grid. You'll never find me.

Woman: Turn right at Big Bear Road.

[Clears throat] Hmm.

In 0.2 miles, your destination is on the left.

That lady's lying. Goodbye.

[Sighs]

Yeah, I'm still here.

Oh, yeah?

Well, goodbye.

Still here.

I don't know how to hang this thing up when it's on the map.

[Stammers] This always happens.

Okay, hit the home button, then the phone icon, and then the red button.

Okay, home button, phone icon, red button, and... We're in Angry Birds.

[Sighs]

[Door opens, bell jingles]

It's been 30 minutes.

Can I get $7 on pump three, please?

[Sighs]

So, you're telling me that the president does not live in the Wide House?

No, it's the White House. It's white.

Okay, but it's also wide.

You know, we may not be the guys to write political humor, okay?

Excuse me, I received a work order for a class-3 repair in this location.

Well, who are you?

I'm Chip. I'm the I.T. guy.

I'm Chip.

I'm the I.T. Guy.

Is this the e-mail you're trying to send?

"Dear Debbie"?

Oh, whoo. [Chuckles]

Hey, that's personal.

Debbie?

Ooh, what an exotic name.

Hola, Debbie. [Laughs]

Look, she's just a girl I met online.

It's no big deal.

Hey.

That contradicts a previous e-mail where you described her as a healing ray of sunshine on your wounded soul.

Whoo-hoo! [Laughs]

Busted!

Will you stop reading my stuff?

Hey, hey, don't yell at the guy.

He's just trying to fix your computer.

Hey, Chip, can you bring up a picture of this Debbie chick?

Well, we should be able to link to an image through Gonzo's dating profile.

[Laughs]

Good luck, it's password-protected and you'll never figure out...

I'm in.

Ooh. Nice profile picture, dude.

Ooh!

Pepe: What? Wait a second.

That's the... t-the gorgeous movie star Liams Hemsworths.

Yeah, w-what, are you nuts?

[Sighs]

Why did you use a picture of him?

Sí.

Look, I just figured Debbie would fall in love with my personality.

And when we finally met, we'd share a laugh about how I used some famous guy's picture.

Sí, that's a stupid idea.

Oh, my God, what am I gonna do?

We're meeting later today.

[Groans]

Okay, okay, listen.

You leave her a note saying you love her...

Mm-hmm.

But you're ashamed.

Yeah.

Then...

Mm-hmm.

Drink poison.

Yep.

That is the only move that will satisfy a Debbie.

Pretty much.

Hmm.

Hi.

So, as everybody saw last night, Fozzie Bear...

Lost touch with reality?

Yeah, and speaking from personal experience, you never quite get it back.

No, you do not.

Well, I, for one, will miss Fozzie.

He wasn't funny, but he kept it clean.

But [shudders] not funny.

Mm.

Yeah, Fozzie and I shared a pretty strong bond.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You were the only two bears working here.

Oh, uh, I-I was thinking it was because he's my swim buddy at the "y."

Hmm.

But, yeah, I guess we're both bears.

I never really thought about that.

Yeah.

Well... Well, we're all gonna miss him.

Sí.

But doing us a big favor by taking over for Fozzie is our good friend Nick Offerman.

[All murmur]

Thanks.

Good to see you, Nick.

Thanks, guys. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, we really owe you one, Nick.

Oh, uh, I will take a cappuccino machine.

What?

You said you owe me one, so I'm calling it in.

I want a cappuccino machine.

Oh, well, o-okay, we'll, uh... we'll get you a cappuccino machine.

So, tonight, everybody...

Not one of those cheap plastic deals.

I want the big brass one with the eagle on top and the dials and nozzles that you don't see anywhere except restaurants run by Italian guys who have been here long enough to speak English but don't.

Right, well, we'll just... uh, we'll just cut a few people's health benefits and we'll get you that machine.

Aces.

[Sighs]

What a schmuggen. Hmm.

Boy, I wish I could grow a beard like that.

Kermit: Okay, everybody, uh, the next order of business we've got on the agenda for today is...

What did you get on Applegate? Anything embarrassing?

Okay, I found a clip of her swimming with some golden retriever puppies.

[Growls]

Yeah, the only thing embarrassing about that was the way I said "aww," and then clapped alone in my apartment.

So there was nothing?

Not even her being snippy to a restaurant hostess?

No, I googled that and 10 clips of you came up.

[Sighs]

Piggy, maybe we shouldn't be obsessing about this, you know?

I mean, Fozzie's gone.

You guys were a team for so many... years...

You know what, if I can't find an embarrassing video of Christina Applegate... I'll make one.

[Chuckles]

[Barks]

Well, I guess we all grieve in our own way.

I'm not judging. I'm just...

You're dismissed.

I'm dismissed.

[Barks, pants]

Fozzie: Why would I come here to write?

I'm a bear.

[Insect buzzing]

This is where I connect to my power and my...

[buzzing stops]

I swallowed a bug.

[Coughing violently]

[Wind gusting]

[Clearing throat]

Blech!

[Australian accent] So, wait, this isn't a pre-interview and I'm not gonna be doing "Up Late" with Miss Piggy?

Tonight, no. Eventually, well, that's up to you and the projects you choose.

Sí.

Well, great. Thanks for wasting my time, guys.

No, no, no, no!

Wait, wait, wait! Please, please, please!

Mr. Handsome Mans.

Please, please sit down, por favor.

Listen, this poor whatever he is, I-if he doesn't get this woman, he doesn't have a reason to live.

Hey, hey, that's not totally true.

Oh, please. What else you got? Netflix?

[Rizzo laughs]

Look, Mr. Hemsworth, Liam, I really like this girl.

10 minutes of your time could change my life forever.

What do you say?

[Sighs]

Yeah, well, I guess I've been there, too.

Yeah, sure.

I mean, you were probably one of those awkward kids who had trouble with the ladies until you grew into your looks.

No, I've been gorgeous since birth, but I have struck out a few times.

Oh?

Just at a super high level.

Hmm.

Oh, my God, it's her.

[Gasps]

Hmm, you wouldn't think a Debbie would wear slacks at a first date.

Okay, okay, remember, Hemsy, just grab a drink, then ask her if she would still be interested in you if you didn't look like, uh, handsome with the cheekbones.

Liam: Cheekbones. I got it.

When she says yes, we slide in this cute, little elephant beaver and he closes the deal.

Uh, oh, and lose the fake accent. It makes me sound silly.

Okay.

Hey, Kermit.

Oh, hi there, Nick.

How's it hanging?

Oh, pretty good.

So, listen, guy, I was wrong to make you buy that expensive cappuccino machine.

Well, I-I appreciate that, Nick. I'll take it back.

I mean, here you are, you tell me you owe me one, and what do I do? [Scoffs]

I waste it on a froufrou coffee maker when what I really want is a boat.

A boat?

Uh, Nick, I-I-I am not going to buy you a boat.

Oh, it's not a big boat. I'm not greedy.

It's what they call a sloop.

Make it happen, world's greatest producer.

What?

[Groans]

By the way, I am thinking of naming my sloop Cappuccino.

Huh?

That way, I kind of get everything.

Or maybe I'll call it Janice.

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

What, this? Oh, uh, Fozzie gave it to me.

Y-you see, a few years ago, I got passed over for a job I really, really wanted.

I was gonna quit the business and go do something else, you know?

Had a sh*t to go to medical school, but turns out they just wanted to dissect me.

But Fozzie wouldn't let me feel sorry for myself, you know?

He got me out of the house and stayed with me until I snapped out of it.

He never let me give up. That's what a friend does.

He... he was there to help me, but... I don't know.

I guess I wasn't there to help him.

Oh, my goodness.

That's a beautiful story, sir.

And if you don't go after him...

[Gasps]

I will.

Uh, uh, w-who are you?

I'm Chip.

I'm the I.T. guy.

Uh...

[sighs]

I didn't pack any food because I could have sworn there was a Panda Express around here somewhere.

Right next to the Foot Locker.

Oh, wait, I'm thinking of the Glendale Galleria.

Hey. What's this?

[Sniffs]

Smells like Oreos.

[Sniffing]

Oreos and summer sausage.

Well, that's just a crazy place to keep food.

[Grunting]

Fozzie?

Fozzie?

Fozzie?

[Indistinct conversations]

What? [Laughing] Oh, Gonzo.

You're as funny in person as you are online.

Hear that? She thinks I'm funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she also thinks you have his piercing blue eyes.

And chiseled nose. [Chuckles]

[Sighs] [American accent] Debbie.

Mmhmm.

Would you still feel the same way about me if I wasn't incredibly handsome and I looked more like...

Oh, I don't know... that blue guy over there?

Well, sure, I mean, the only thing that matters to me is who you are inside.

Well, this is good, 'cause, uh...

Here it comes. I'm in.

Oh, put a mint in your pie hole, Gonzo.

There's a smooch in your futch.

[Both chuckle]

You really feel that way?

Of course.

Debbie, I'm not Gonzo.

What?

[Sighs]

[Australian accent] My name's Liam Hemsworth, and I'm an actor.

And you're the first person I've met in a very long time who likes me for more than just my looks.

Is this when I go over?

No. This is when you go home.

Ah.

I don't understand.

Look, I-I know it's very complicated, but...

How about I explain it to you over a nice seafood dinner at a great place I know in Malibu?

Huh.

Let's get out of here.

Okay.

Thanks, fellas.

Yeah, yeah.

Have a good time there, Liam.

Have a great night.

Boy, you know this online-dating stuff really works, huh?

[Both chuckle]

[Sighs] [Slurps]

Fozzie?

Fozzie Bear?

Fozzie?

Bear! There's a bear!

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

W-wait a minute, is he wearing a tie?

Go, go.

Hello?

Oh, boy. [Groans]

[Grunts]

Come on.

Fozzie?

Kermit?

What are you doing... ow!

[Gasps] Oh.

Oh, he sh*t me!

Kermit, he sh*t me!

Why did you sh**t me?

I'm Fozzie the Bea-ha...

Fozzie the...

[Groans]

Okay, it's go time.

Get your keys and meet me in the parking lot in five minutes.

Where are we going?

I was talking to Scooter.

Oh, well, you're looking right at me.

And I've been taught that when people are looking at me and talking to me, they're talking to me.

I don't even know who you are.

I'm Chip. I'm the I.T. guy.

[Sighs] Just meet me outside.

Okay.

[Sighs]

[Groans]

Fozzie?

Fozzie? Fozzie?

Am I dead?

It's okay, buddy. I'm here.

Oh, my God, you're dead, too?

My best friend's dead!

Oh!

But at least we're together in the afterlife.

After the way you treated me, I wasn't sure you'd make it up here.

Well, I... well, we're alive.

And I... and I've got even better news.

I'm gonna get your sketch on the air.

Wait, so you love it?

No, it's terrible. I told you.

[Groans]

But listen, Fozzie.

You and I are gonna work on it every night after the show for as long as it takes until it's ready.

Aww.

Of all the friends I know, you're my best frog.

Okay, thanks, Fozzie. Look, let's get out of here.

We've got a show to do. Um...

Oh, yeah. Let me give you a hand.

Up you go. Up. Up, up, up.

[Groans]

Yep.

Whoa.

You all right?

Yeah.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, wait, my hat.

Huh?

Oh, no, no. Fozzie, Fozzie.

I don't want to leave my hat.

Your hat's on your head. It's on your head.

Mmm?

Ah, it's right up there.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, come on.

Okay.

Watch your step. Door, door.

[Grunts]

Oh.

Maybe we can use these to find my hat.

No, no, Fo-Fozzie. It's on your head.

Your hat's on your head, remember?

Oh, right. Right, right.

Yeah, yeah. Easy.

You ever been sh*t with a tranquilizer dart, Kermit?

Uh, well, no, but I did lick my third cousin once and the walls started melting, so I feel you, bro.

Ah, yeah. We are bro-thers.

[Chuckles] Yes, we are.

A-all right, come on. The car's this way.

Here we go. Watch your step.

You want me to drive or you?

No, that's fine. I'll do it.

[Clears throat]

Oh, hey, Scooter.

Oh, uh, hi, Ms. Applegate.

Hi.

Uh, I have a cake for you from Miss Piggy.

Oh.

You're supposed to push that in my face so that she could film it, right?

I'm not allowed to say.

You know what, Scooter?

I don't want you to get fired, all right?

[Sighs]

[Inhales deeply]

[Sighs]

[Laughs]

Not so perfect now, are we, Applegate?

[Chuckles]

Excuse me, miss.

[Laughs]

What do you think you're doing with that camera?

Oh, my God, you got to see this! It's hysterical!

[Laughing]

Get out of the car.

You...

I'm Miss Piggy.

And I'm Beverly Hills P.D., so I'm not impressed.

Wait. Get out of the car.

But... but...

You want to...

Hmm?

Want to come in for some coffee?

Sure.

[Police radio chatter]

[Grunts] Christina!

Tell them it was all a prank!

We had fun together!

[Handcuffs click]

[Laughs nervously]

Oh, look, a jaywalker!