07x05 - The Bully

[bunniefuu]

Pete: So, Andre, whatever happened with Gibiatti?

You're never gonna believe this, right?

That girl he was dating, she gets pregnant, he dumps her, case dropped.

Gentlemen, I have big news about my charity organization, Taco Cares. Pete no cares.

We are starting a new venture, and it's called, the Little Eskimo Brothers Program.

Kevin: Oh, no, no, no, no.

Taco, please tell me you are not teaching children to have sex.

Are you crazy?

I'd never teach a child anything.

Besides, I don't want to waste a bed.

Now, the Little Eskimo Brothers Program will allow adults who are staying at the EBDBBnB to also mentor a child while they're there.

You know, give something back.

As long as it's not, like, their gonorrhea or syphilis.

All right, enough, I don't want to talk about sex anymore, especially kids and sex.

Ellie's starting SexEd at school, so yeah.

Wait, w-wait, wait, wait, wait, Ellie is learning about sex?

Isn't she a little old for that?

So crazy, it feels like just yesterday she was this sweet young innocent girl, using the word suck-stick without knowing what it meant.

And to top it off, she's getting bullied in the class.

Ooh, I'm having a huge problem with bullying on my face.

Wait, isn't that just v*olence?

Bullying's a tricky issue, man.

I feel like back in our day, the worst thing that happened to a girl if she was called fat is she just ended up dating Ruxin.

Kids have it tough nowadays.

I mean, I'm just thankful I was never bullied.

(coughs, laughs)

Dude, what did you just say? What?

I'm not proud of this, but you were severely bullied by us.

Oh, n-n-no, we all bullied each other.

Are you kidding me? Our nicknames for you became so popular the teachers started calling you them.

Yeah, Miss Hamilton roll-called you as "a**l Bead."

I actually thought your name was a**l Bead and your nickname was "Andre."

I gave it back to you guys tenfold.

Remember, they used to call me the Vip... I was the Viper.

Because your breath was so horrible.

Yeah, you could k*ll people.

I was never bullied.

And to prove that there are no hard feelings, I will pick up the check.

How about that, Kevlar?

Ooh, burn!

Hey. Don't call my brother names.

Apologize.

Okay. Sorry.

I'm sorry about the-the remark I made about the Kevlar.

The Viper has stung again.

Kevin: Hey, sweetie.

Jenny: Hey, babe.

Kevin: Ready to roll?

Load up.

Oh, no.

Did you have a bad day again?

Yep. (groans)

Was it that bully again? What's his name?

Connor or Cooper?

Cooper, Mom.

Jenny: Cooper.

Cooper? Ugh.

He called me a choad juggler.

What? What?

What did he call you? (snickers)

(whispering): Stop.

"Choad juggler."

No... that is... That...

That's a... That's wrong. not funny thing to say to someone.

Definitely not a funny phrase.

You sure he didn't say "choad chugger"?

I mean, "chugger" makes more sense than "juggler," although a choad juggler is more interesting precisely because it's unexpected, right? I mean...

Either way, it's not funny, it's wrong.

Wrong.

Mom, Dad.

What?

Am I a choad juggler?

(Kevin and Jenny snicker)

No. No, you're not. No.

You're not because it... they don't exist.

Although Andre could juggle 'em, if anyone could.

He's very deft with his hands.

Stop it.

Does the bullying stop when you grow up?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, it does.

Unless you join a fantasy football league, and in that case, it's a never-ending sh*t... You know what, just stop.

Hi, Kevin.

I have some terrible news for you.

This week, your team's going to be as ashamed and beaten down as, well, you after sex.

I mean, less crying of course, but defeat is certain.

Ooh, Bama Slamma!

Pete, you are on fire this week.

I know Ruxin makes a lot of stupid jokes about us being a couple and...

Yeah, you think?

All I have to say about that is-- you better get a pun dictionary and a video camera, because, Kevin, I'm-a bone you till I own you, sucka.

Oh, Peter.

I'm-a pound you so hard, balls deep is gonna be the warm-down.

Man, Pete is balls deep in Kevin, and Ruxin's in Puerto Rico.

(laughs, snorts)

Oh, I'm back.

And who would've thunk it?

I had to leave Puerto Rico to see a cockfight.

You could have seen one there.

Feliz Navidad to me.

Look at all these presents under the tree.

You know...

(laughs) Immature.

I'm sorry, what? Did you say something?

I thought I heard something brilliant coming out of your mouth.

Well, what do you got?

What's the matter, Kev?

Pete's ass got your tongue?

Come on, little buddy.

Fine.

Pete: Yeah!

Here, Pete, how about this?

Yeah!

You know what, Pete?

You're a choad juggler.

A living, breathing choad juggler.

Oh, wow, really?

It's like a circus act, and you have so many choads, you have to keep them in the air.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at all the choads this guy has.

Oh, look at him go.

(imitates gargling)

And then you light the choads on fire, you'll just keep putting them out in your mouth like...

(imitates gulping)

Pete (laughing): Oh, Jesus.

Wow.

You'll just be juggling choads up on the unicycle, and there'll be on fire, and you'll be like...

(imitates gulping)

All right, all right, all right.

I got to give it up-- it's a great slam.

This might be slam of the year.

Whoa.

Yeah, it just kind of, like, rolls off the tongue.

Well, you would be an expert at that.

Oh, another one from downtown-- he's on fire.

Kevin: Glad you enjoy it.

Just do me a favor and don't use the phrase "choad juggler" around the house.

I don't want Ellie hearing it.

Why not? I think it would be actually one of the more clean things she'd hear in that house.

Well, definitely the cleverest.

It's just she's very sensitive to the whole bullying issue.

Oh, you know what?

Bullying would be a great issue to focus on at the Little Eskimo Brothers Program.

You know, I got picked on, and I fought back.

I just wish Ellie would do the same.

You don't want her to fight back.

That's stooping to their level, okay?

It's a phase, it's gonna pass.

Eh, is it though? I mean, I feel like in life you're either a sh*t-sipper or a sh*t-server, and who you are gets set very early on.

Yeah, you want to be serving, not sipping.

Eh, it's not true.

You can sip a little and serve, like me.

(slurping) Still a little left-- you can just sip harder.

Mmm, actually, I need a refill.

Oh, we'll always be here to serve you more.

Well done, keeping 'em coming. Thank you.

What? What happened?

What?

You used Ellie's bully's insult.

Kevin: It was there, I used it, big deal.

You have sunk to the level of a 12-year-old.

I'm fine with that.

Feels good to own it.

Hey, can I have help with homework?

Absolutely. What subject are we talking about?

Sex ed.

Ooh, no, no, no, no.

No...

Get back in there.

You could learn something.

All right, full disclosure, I'm working on a third-grade level in sex ed, so...

That is true. (gasps)

Oh, my God.

Jenny: Kevin, will you just try to be a little more mature.

(laughing, gasps)

(whispering): Looks just like...

Yes, my body.

That looks just like you.

Kevin: Honey.

Jenny: What is, uh... what's... what's your question? What's the question?

If these are the testicles, Mm-hmm. and that's the epididymis, Yeah. then what's that?

Ooh, that's, uh...

Oh, that's Daddy's shaft.

No.

No, it's not, no, that's...

What is it?

That's a...

It's a therapy bill.

Who is this big bone lass?

Kevin, when did you meet that handsome lady?

On the bus?

Ellie: Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Maybe by the time I come back, you two will have grown up a little.

I mean, I find this really disturbing.

Kevin, you're standing just like the guy.

Oh, my God, ugh.

You know what? It's funny.

It's not funny, okay?

It is. It's creepy.

I mean, you're talking about people staring at me naked.

I mean, do you know what it's like to be objectified for your body?

No, I have no idea.

I mean, all these children looking at my nude body.

I don't see how sex offenders enjoy this at all.

I'm taking this out of this book No, hey.

I'm ripping it out.

You can't do that, that's school property.

This is my body, all right?

And I'm taking it back.

Unless you want to hold onto it for whatever extracurricular activities...

Here he is.

I do not need a page out of my daughter's sex ed book for my own erotic pleasure.

You sure?

Yeah.

I am well-versed in your epididymis, thanks.

I don't even know what that is.

Is there more than one?

What...

It's kind of flattering.

Put a burn mark in there and that's me.

Pete: Yeah, week two wasn't a total loss.

I mean, I lost in the league, but I won like $200 on DraftKings.

No, no, no, no.

Nobody wants to hear about your extracurricular escapades.

Yeah, you're welcome to flaunt your personal life with us, but don't flaunt your fantasy football flings in our faces.

All right, guys, you know what?

I've thought about it.

I may have a few sh*t-sipping tendencies, but all that stops today.

That my sandwich?

Yeah, here it is.

There's only half of it.

Well, you know, I had a salad, so...

See, this is what I'm talking about, okay?

I need to be respected and if you guys can't say anything nice to me, then I don't want you to say anything at all.

(Ruxin clears throat)

Andre: Really?

You guys have nothing to say?

Everything you're thinking of right now is a hurtful, nasty thing?

Andre: Oh, come on!

All right, you know what? Fine.

I will lead the conversation.

So yesterday, I took a hot yoga class, but I'm very tense in the pelvis region.

The teacher was telling me that I needed to release it.

So... I don't know how to do that myself, and I asked him for some help.

He put me up in front of the class and put his hands right above my pelvis.

And he said, "Oh, my God, you're so tight here."

So he just started pushing and massaging and then, boom!

All that pressure just releases.

I felt unbelievable.

People in the class were coming up to me at the end going like, "I can't believe you..."

Guys!

Oh, Taco! Thank God you're here, Taco.

You're never gonna believe what I found.

My brother Kevin is in a book.

Kevin: No, no, no, no.

Wow!

Give that to me.

No, I'm not!

Where did you get that?

Hey, if you don't want me to find something, don't leave it just sitting there in the middle of the garbage.

Kevin, it looks just like you.

I mean, it doesn't have the gray pubes, but it's close.

And the artist was very generous in the crotchal region.

Oh, this is actually great for Ellie, because she can literally see where she came from.

Very funny.

It is not me, but it did freak me out, so I tore it out of Ellie's sex ed book to throw in the garbage.

I wish I could be in class to hear the teacher try to explain it.

Like... "The Kevin, "while having sex with his spouse, thinks about his best friend, The Pete."

Okay.

Oh, really, really funny.

Real mature, coming from a bunch of choad jugglers.

What's that, now?

Choad jugglers. You're choad jugglers.

Not really landing like it used to.

It's starting to lose its steam.

I don't think so. I think it burns, still.

Yeah, no, no.

Take it from the Viper.

You need a new hook, Kevlar.

I got plenty of new stuff, so don't worry about me, okay?

Oh, great. Let's hear it.

We're excited.

What do you got?

I'm... I'm workshopping it still, so... when it's ready to be heard, you will then feel the burn.

What, do you have, like, a lamer group of friends that you open mic with?

I gotta say, this artist is great.

Really impressed by his use of the three pillars of genital drawings: scale, perspective and d*ck shading.

Wow.

I find it really disturbing that you're interested in a picture of your naked brother.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

The only reason I'm interested is because I draw my own p*rn to masturbate to.

Kevin: What?

Really?

Why?

I'm a DIY kind of guy.

Taco, masturbation is DIY.

Yeah, well, I've been having a rough time lately.

If I spend the whole day drawing a picture, it kind of takes the element of surprise out of it.

I'm thinking of bringing in another artist to spice things up.

Andre?

Want to draw some p*rn with me?

Enough of your insults.

No, thank you.

I think he actually wants to draw p*rn with you.

Ooh, I'd love to.

Of course you would, you dumb piss-juggler.

Hmm?

What?

Piss-juggler.

This guy.

Juggling piss.

How do you juggle a liquid?

It's, you know...

Ay-ay-ay.

...in canisters and he...

Pete: You just changed one word.

You just replaced "choad" with "piss."

Bah, you don't... you don't know what...

I said.

(knock on door)

Kevin: Hey, sweetie?

How's homework going?

Not so great.

Some jerk tore the page out of my health textbook.

What?

Oh, my goodness.

These kids! Damn it!

I don't know how I'm going to finish this presentation without it.

Oh, rough stuff.

Anyway, I came to talk about the bullying.

Okay, you know that if that bully calls you anything, you can tell me, right?

Yeah.

Has he said anything else, recently?

Uh, yesterday he called me "Buttly."

Buttly?

Buttly.

"Buttly" doesn't... doesn't really roll off the tongue.

Buttly...

The other kids were laughing.

Oh, yeah, but those kids are animals.

They'll laugh at anything.

I doubt it would please a more discerning audience.

"Buttly" is just lazy, really, when you think about it.

It's just adding "-ly" on top of a body part.

How about "footly"?

You have big feet. Footly...

Okay, Dad, I don't want to talk about the bully.

No, I know, he's mean.

And very uneven, creatively.

Okay, I really need help with my sex ed homework.

I hear you.

Listen, if he calls you anything, you let me know, okay?

In fact, write it down.

Sound it out if you don't know how to spell it.

Okay, Dad.

Get it done.

Thanks for the help.

Good talk, baby.

I love you so much.

This kid shows a lot of promise.

Man, I would love to be a Big Eskimo Brother.

Sorry. In order to be a Big Eskimo Brother, you have to be having sex at the EBDBBnB.

If not, it's just creepy.

Yeah, but I'm a pretty good role model.

I mean, I could help the kids, you know.

Three monogamous relationships is hardly a role model, Andre.

Check the facts.

Three and a half.

Kevin: Whoa. What are you doing with all these pictures of boys?

These are my Little Eskimo Brothers.

Wait, this is Cooper Harris.

This is Ellie's bully.

Cooper. Good kid.

What a small world.

I thought you set up this whole Taco Cares program to focus on bullying.

Exactly.

I'm recruiting young bullies from the community and giving them the tools and structure to thrive in the world.

Wait, you're helping bullies.

Yeah. If I don't, who will?

Everyone's always looking after the underdog, but who is looking after the overdog?

No one, because an overdog isn't a thing.

It's just a dog.

These are children you're talking about.

They're getting kicked out of parks, they're getting kicked offline.

The EBDBBnB is a sanctuary for these young children.

They don't need sanctuary; they need psychiatric help.

I was bullied as a child and look at me today.

I'm the successful CEO of a multi-dollar corporation.

You can't really argue with that.

Yeah.

Taco: Ah! Welcome to the EBDBBnB.

After the "P" goes in the "V," give back to the community.

What are you doing?

There's kids around here.

Can I serve you a cold beverage, sir?

No.

Riley! (snaps fingers)

I truly don't need a drink, Taco.

You're... oh.

No, I don't want them anymore.

It took too long.

Hey! The grown-ups are talking!

Stop the lawn mower.

Just cut it with your fingers for a bit.

Taco: Hey. Scrub that tree.

Want to be able to see my face in it.

Without the attitude.

Okay?

I just want to speak to Cooper Harris, if I can.

I like Cooper. He's the only one of these kids that's not a huge loser.

Sorry, but you know it's true.

Come on.

Follow me.

You're not a loser.

Come on, vacuum that grass.

I want to be able to eat off of it.

Who's got the chainsaw?

Come on, that tree's not gonna cut itself down.

No, no! Don't touch the chainsaw!

(chainsaw revving)

You. Up the ladder.

Hurry up. What are you, a baby?

You-you are a baby.

Don't go up the ladder.

Oh, my God, Taco!

Andre: You know, it was a really smart move on your dad's part to bring in a doctor to help you with this sex ed stuff.

Yeah, he's been really weird about it.

I mean, all I have to do is write a report.

Don't worry about it.

We're not gonna just sit around and talk about sex all day long like a bunch of Samanthas.

I don't get it.

Of course you don't, you know?

Your mind's not on this planet right now.

You're being bullied, you're being picked on.

Let me tell you something.

There are two types of people in this world.

Feces-sippers and feces-servers.

You know, when I was your age, I, sipped a wee bit of the feces.

You still chugging it?

I didn't chug it, okay?

I sipped it.

And you're sipping it, too, so don't be all high and mighty, okay?

We need you to start serving the feces.

'Cause I don't want you picked on like I was.

I mean, even your dad used to pick on me.

He used to?

Just last night he called you sad.

Well, that means something different to adults.

Well, whatever it means, you're a super version of it.

Well, I'm gonna focus on the super part, not the second part.

They say that they'd rather not watch football than go to Andre's.

You're so smart, you think that's me?

No, that's a restaurant downtown.

If you ever got out and had a life, you would realize that.

Okay, well, they really hate it there.

Oh, yeah, well, you know what?

I mean, they say the owner has terrible taste and he's color-blind.

He's really ugly and old.

Okay, you know what?

Let me tell you something, you are being picked on, and so am I, and we need to fight back.

What we're gonna do is we're gonna serve up some feces.

And next time someone picks on you, you need to look them right in the eye and be like, "What's that, you big choad juggler?"

What?

I know.

Your dad said it's not, like, appropriate for you, but I actually think you can handle it.

It's funny, right?

That's not funny.

No, it's hilarious.

Everyone's gonna laugh.

You'll be like, "choad juggler, choad juggler."

Andre, I mean it.

Stop calling me that!

(groans)

And don't you ever call me that again.

Ever.

(groans)

Way to fight back, Ellie.

Andre, you just got decked like Geno Smith.

I'm gonna be out for six to ten week.

Taco: Hey, Cooper, what's going on?

Why'd you give up on the leaf blower?

'Cause there's no more leaves, Taco.

Stop complaining. If there are no more leaves on the ground, you pull them off the tree, okay?

Hey, I need four volunteers to help me bury a dead animal.

Let's go.

Hey, Cooper.

I'm Ellie's father. I'd like a word with you, please.

Oh, you're that choad juggler's dad?

Hey, you need to stop calling her that right now.

First of all, it's very hurtful to her.

And secondly, it's getting a little old.

All right, that's one gutter.

Now move on to the next one, the one with the wasps nest.

Hurry up.

Uncle Taco, I need your help.

What's wrong, Ellie?

You seem upset.

Did you get fired from your job or something?

Worse. My dad's bullying me.

Ellie, whatever your father said, I'm sure he meant to say it behind your back.

And my parents won't help me with my health class presentation.

It's due soon.

I lost the diagram.

I don't know where to start.

The Kevin diagram?

Yeah.

Oh.

You've come to the right place, my dear.

You can help me?

Absolutely.

Follow me.

My God, thank you so much.

Hey, vacuum this dirt.

It's disgusting.

Come on.

Daniel, when you're done with the bathroom, I want you to clean the fruit.

Jimmy, while we're gone, I want you to rearrange everything in this room in a fun and surprising way.

Thank you.

If you want to say anything to Ellie in the future, I want you to say it to me right now, especially if it's scatological or pun-based with a body part.

So come on. Hit me with it. Let's hear it.

Come on.

Okay, Buttly.

Is that your attempt at humor?

It's funny.

I'm not laughing.

Are you laughing? Baby Ray Romano's not laughing.

Come on, man.

You're supposed to be the best.

That's all you have, "Buttly"?

I was coming off a detention.

And I have a nightmare load of homework.

And my dog is sick. - I see your ability to come up with excuses still works well.

Now, I could explain sex ed to you all day long, but a picture is worth a thousand positions.

Welcome to my studio.

Well, this isn't creepy at all.

What a relief.

I was worried you wouldn't like it.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is... inappropriate for a child.

Much better.

I call this one "H..."

Nothing.

I've been studying your father's naked body for a while.

He has some really interesting angles.

Still haven't mastered that lilt yet.

It's really tricky.

All right, let's get to work on this presentation.

Your dad's groinal area is not gonna draw itself.

Now, what kind of scenario do you want? You want, like, a hot tub, a pizza delivery-type thing?

Is that... is that my dad?

How 'bout, uh, "Museum of Fine Farts"?

"Museum of Fine Farts." That's good.

But good is the enemy of great.

Okay.

So let's dig deeper.

We can b*at it.

Yeah, that's your dad with his new Little Eskimo Brother.

That's my bully!

He's with my bully!

Ooh, that's rough.

Listen, Ellie, if ever you need to talk about this to anyone, I'd bottle it up instead.

No one wants to hear about your problems.

I'm gonna k*ll him!

How 'bout "Feces Peanut Butter Cups"?

(chuckles)

We could do better.

Yeah, but you laughed.

But did I laugh the right kind of laugh?

Well, what do you got, Old Man Ginger?

Hey, look who's talkin'.

Yeah, what do you got?

Well, I... Look, I mean, I figure we should stay in the world of juggling, all right?

Let's just see what other gold is in those hills. - Dad?

What are you doing?!

Oh, my God, Ellie, this is not what it looks like, I promise.

Busted. (chuckles)

You will pay for this, Daddy. You will pay!

Keep 'em coming, kid.

All right, I'll e-mail you.

Ah, another family-enriching day at the EBDBBnB.

Get to work!

Kevin: Ms. Pam, we wanted to apologize for missing the fund-raiser.

Something...

It was awful.

Something awful... tragic happened.

I will pass along your very general apologies to the booster club, but that's not why we're here today.

The class gave sex ed presentations, and Ellie's was very interesting.

Did either of you help her with it?

No. No. God, no.

Uh...

Unless we were supposed to help her.

Were we... were we supposed to help her?

'Cause I think we did then.

You know what we did? We supervised, but the work was all hers.

That's what we did.

Then that's even more disturbing.

"Human Sexuality by Ellie MacArthur.

Nice.

"Sex between consenting adults comes in many forms and varieties."

I see no problem with that.

Just wait.

Okay.

(gasps) Oh.

"There's sex between a man and woman."

Did you do this?

No. Taco did this.

Is that me?

No, I think that's the big-boned lass from the bus.

Pam: This is unacceptable.

Ellie has a very vivid imagination.

Actually, she does not.

I've seen her in class.

I find her to be underwhelming.

Her nickname is "Simply There."

She has a dark energy around her.

Nothing going on behind the eyes.

And I find her to be very dull.

Dull, dull, dull.

(gasps)

Oh, my God.

Oh, boy.

"And intercourse between a man and man."

Oh, wow. Oh!

Pete!

I suspected this was one of your ex-boyfriends.

"Ex"? No.

We're still best friends.

We talk every day.

(clears throat)

Kevin.

"Be smart about sex!"

That's beautiful.

It ends on a high note.

Look at that rainbow.

Are those... choads?

Yes, they are choads, and your husband is juggling them.

What you're showing me here is science fiction.

I don't know anyone that juggles choads.

I've seen two criminally insane people juggle choads.

I can promise you, ma'am, it's not a laughing matter.

I am not a choad juggler.

The book tells a different tale.

Well, Ellie made it up, okay?

Your child does not have the mental capacity to make things up.

She is a dullard.

I don't even... Is that a real word? What does that mean?

That's the first time I've ever heard that word.

This is so much worse than my last job.