01x09 - Escape from Work

[bunniefuu]

(phone ringing)

Roxie: Ah, nuh-uh.

Kev, you can't strain your eyes. Your brain might explode.

Guys, it's really nice of you to be taking such good care of me, okay, but I need to check my emails. I...

Don't.

I'm expecting one from the Italian company I'm supposed to interview with.

I'll check.

Okay.

Roxie: Okay, let's see. You have a news alert, a book signing invite...

Oh.

And four emails from Mom. Kev, you have got to set your filters better.

Oh, Gourmet Couture?

That's them.

They want to interview you here in LA this week.

I don't know if I can pull it together this week, I mean... maybe that's a sign I shouldn't do it. I don't know.

Kevin, don't worry about it right now.

Yeah, you know what? You just worry about getting better.

Yeah.

Okay.

Ugh, I can't take it. He's so needy.

Well, to be fair, he did get knocked unconscious by a 50-pound sign.

But, I mean, I got kicked in the head once by a wild pig.

I didn't even feel it.

The EMT said it's because my body went into shock.

You gotta be a real man to completely shut down like that.

God. You know, the worst part is, I don't even have time to prepare for this audition, and I really want the part.

It's a TV movie remake of Casablanca.

You know, that old black and white movie.

Oh yeah, by that Woody Allen guy?

Yeah, probably. Anyway, it's gonna be awesome.

So, in the original, the lead is just this random dude in a hat, but in this one, it's a hot woman lifeguard.

Totally feminist.

Oh, you gotta get that part in a swimsuit.

Like... Like, you know, for the women of the world.

Yeah, I know. I'm trying, but when am I gonna find time to rehearse?

I mean, I spend my days brushing Kevin's teeth, and then sticking straws in his apple sauce.

Look, we gotta do this, okay? It's our duty.

Kevin: Hey, guys! I'm thirsty.

Here's your breakfast, bud. Okay? And here's your anti-convulsant.

Do you want me to crush it up and put it in your food?

No, I can still chew.

No, he doesn't need the meds yet, anyway.

Yes, he does. It's been two hours.

He's supposed to take it every four hours. Read the bottle.

I did.

Okay, I'm sorry, I thought you were on electronics, and I was on the meds.

No, no. I'm on meds. When have I not been on meds?

Kevin: Very rarely.

Guys, please stop arguing, okay? You can both give me meds.

I thi... I think we both did, Kev.

(snoring)

Brian: Yeah, okay.

Forget duty. If he survives this, we definitely need to get some help.

Kevin?

Kev?

Kev. Kevion. Kev-Kev.

Kev. Kev?

♪ Because it's all good ♪

♪ It's all, all, It's all good ♪
♪ Uh-huh, yep, It's all good ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh, It's all good ♪
♪ Because it's all good ♪
♪ It's all, all, It's all good ♪

So, I looked into it, and Kevin's insurance covers a nurse's aide.

Really?

Yeah.

That's awesome, Brian.

So, you know, get on in there and practice for your audition.

I'll let you know when she gets here.

Aw, thank you. You're the best! (laughs)

Aw.

Okay.

Thank you.

Did you see my linen scarf? I'm late for work.

It's in the sleeve of my black moto jacket.

Did you borrow it?

Yeah.

I didn't ask you 'cause I thought that would make things weird.

(sighs loudly)

It must be nice to have a place to go, a job where people look up to you, even though you look down on them.

What are... What are you talking about?

Dev's in Miami at a DJ convention.

I'm feeling lonely.

I've already had four mimosas, one without orange juice.

Okay, you need to get out.

You know, Brock and I are going to trivia night tonight at the bar. Do you want to come?

With you guys?

Yeah.

No, I'd just feel like a third wheel.

Okay, if you change your mind...

Okay, fine. Stop harping. I'll go.

Okay.

It's insane to remake a classic like Casablanca.

Can you read me something else?

Something that'll help me prepare for my interview?

Oh, uh, you emailed back Gourmet Couture, right?

Yes, but it's the day after tomorrow, so you won't be able to go, unless you relax.

Okay, ready? So the update is genius.

It takes place at a beach club.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and they replace the Nazis with the staff of a competing spa.

I don't want to ruin it.

At least no more than that.

"We'll always have Paris. That hotel in Vegas where we met."

Oh my God.

"I was 19. You were 20.

But a young 20."

The spa technicians are better in Paris.

I should be leaving for Italy.

But say the word, and I'll stay.

(whistle trills)

Don't go in the water. She's trouble.

No, you're wrong.

She's sweet and funny.

And have you seen the way she watches football and actually knows what's going on just enough, but not so much as to be annoying like, "Hey, look at me. I'm a guy's girl."

I appreciate that.

I'm the one she should be with.

But she doesn't appreciate you back. When are you gonna see that?

Damn, I look hot in this.

(whistle trilling)

(doorbell rings)

Hello, I'm Beverly. The agency sent me.

Okay, how big is he? My last patient was a 600-pounder.

I spent all my time mopping up tears of regret that I swear were pure bacon fat. (laughs)

'Cause the fat.

Oh, she needs to get off the bed.

You can sleep with her all you want once you're up to snuff.

Brian: No, no, no. No, he's not sleeping with her.

She's not sleeping with anybody. She's available.

Well, she needs to dismount the bed, because it's dangerous, and we need to pad the corners of these night stands. They're dangerous.

Now, I'm gonna be in the bathroom to see if I can find anything...

Dangerous?

To read.

I'll see you in ten.

Eh.

Does the agency have any other...

Calling while she's on the can, believe me.

Did someone call Jimmy Jammy, the funny duddy buddy? Hoo Hoo Hoo!

(laughs)

I am Ramone, the healer you are blessed with today.

Oh, you're hired.

Wrong house.

Hey, whoa, uh...

Wh... What's going on?

Oh, we must keep the lighting dim to aid in Kevin's recovery.

You should totally have Ramone make you lunch. It is incredible.

When I opened the refrigerator, I noticed a selection of luncheon meats, so I paired it with a loaf of soft wheat bread and a grainy mustard, with a hint of spice.

That sounds like an awful fancy way to say you made a ham sandwich.

Isn't he supposed to, like, change bed sheets and sterilize stuff?

Oh, he already did all that. Ramone is amazing, and when he talks, it sounds like music.

No, it doesn't.

Okay.

We're all signing this for Kevin.

Brain bruising is for the birds.

It's from a set of 400 cards, one for every injury and disease you've ever heard of.

There's one for non-Addison's adrenal malfunction that's a cr*ck-up, if you know anyone.

(sigh) I can't think of what to say.

This is Patti's fault. She made me second-guess myself last night.

Okay, next question.

Write down as many Tom Cruise movies as you can.

We're running out of time. Mission Impossible.

A Few Good Men.

Magnolia.

Minority Report.

Night and Day.

-Far and Away. -Where he rode on that horse to that land.

Far and Away!

We have that one.

Tropic Thunder!

Tropic Thunder!

Brock!

I said that!

Four hours too late. You're k*lling us.

She does have a strong personality.

Yeah, she's bossy.

It's like a queen bee.

It's not a good thing.

She made me feel like a third wheel in my own relationship. Who does that?

Did you win?

Yes.

Two tickets to one of those escape room games, which I'm taking for myself because I paid the entrance fee.

(gasps) Well, if you think it'll help, I would go out with Patti while Dev's gone.

I mean, occupy her for a while.

Really? That would be great. Thank you.

Consider it done. (laughs) I can't wait.

Unlike you, I like when Patti takes control.

I feel a deep letting go, a freedom of responsibility.

I hope I don't accidentally thrill k*ll someone.

Don't you think you should save some of that for Kevin?

Oh, he already did Kevin. Ramone's amazing, and he has single-handedly made Kevin feel so much better.

No, he's not. He's not that great.

Please excuse me while I make Kevin a ham and cheese sandwich.

Oh, uh, no. He doesn't like cheese on it.

Trust me. I've been making the kid's sandwiches for years.

Kevin said he'd like to try my sandwich as I prepare it, con queso.

I don't know what you just said right there, so I'm gonna take offense. That's it!

Roxie: Brian, wait. What are you doing?

Hey.

No, no, no. Ramone said that it has to be dark in here.

Look, Ramone doesn't know anything.

He's a phony, and that accent isn't real.

Nobody really talks like that, except for Antonio Banderas and the cat from Shrek.

Roxie: He is not a phony, and he is doing everything around here. Okay? Kevin needs him.

Kevin's fine with me and my cheese-less sandwiches.

It's okay, Roxanne. I'll just tell the agency I was too helpful.

This information will correspond with all my Yelp reviews.

I'll be fine.

Don't you look at me like that.

What are you doing?

We can't lose Ramone. We need him.

I don't trust Ramone, okay?

He's getting a little too comfortable around here.

I'm going to bring him back here, and you're going to apologize to him.

Ugh, crap. I don't even have time to put on a bra. Oh well.

No, you should do that.

It's... It's chilly outside.

Ramone, wait!

(sighs)

Hey.

Where's the picture of my family at my cousin's wedding?

Oh, yeah. It creeped me out, so I took it down.

I could feel their eyes following me around the room, especially that gremlin in the pearls.

My... My grandmother?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Fingers crossed for weak genetics.

Anyhow, so Dev's still out of town.

What are you, me and Brock doing tonight?

Oh, um...

Brock has practice, and I have to work late, so. (chuckles)

But you're home.

But I'm going back.

Why don't you see if Ricky is free?

Hmm...

Well, he did call, text, and email me, and he's fun.

Yeah.

He does this thing where he almost pets me.

Maybe I'll go out with him to determine whether it's sweet or... disturbing.

Yes, do that.

I think that sounds really awesome.

Hey.

The Italy company's confirming your interview.

Man, if you get that job and move, it sure is gonna k*ll me.

You know what else is k*lling me?

Ramone.

I kicked him out and fought with Roxie about it.

But she was right.

I was jealous.

I mean, she thinks he's great, you think he's great, and I don't like the competition.

I know you can relate.

You wanna hear a song, Kev?

Can you play the piano, Brian?

I can't.

I'm more of a violin man.

Can you play the violin?

(chuckles)

I can't.

Kevin: Brock.

Oh, sorry.

I was supposed to stick this on my side.

Of all the food and beverage joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

She's the reason you're upset, Kevin.

Just go to Italy, buddy.

But he's wrong for her.

I know she has to see that, eventually.

So, what are you gonna do?

Stay here and keep getting your heart broken over and over again until she does?

Ramone: You cannot compete with a man who's already defeated you.

Brian: Now Roxie's going after Ramone, braless.

(sighs) Okay, I gotta come clean to you, man. I'm...

I'm jealous of Ramone because of your sister.

I got it bad for her, Kevin. I mean, like, real bad.

Like... (hums) real bad.

Okay, well, I feel a lot better that I got that off my chest, even though you can't hear me.

You're breaking my heart.

You're breaking my heart.

Huh?

I'm really happy we're doing this escape room, babe, just you and me.

I'm pumped, babe. I'm so good at mazes.

Woman: It's not a maze.

It's a game where you have 45 minutes to find clues to help you escape, or they k*ll you.

Man: I mean, you lose the game.

Obviously, they don't actually k*ll you.

(laughs sarcastically) Obviously, because I'd break their freaking necks first.

I'm gonna be so good at this.

I used to stage my own kidnappings all the time when I was a kid.

Oh, why are you here? I thought you were working.

No, she never had to work.

Um...

Did you, babe?

I'm goi... I'm going there after... after this.

You lied to me?

Audrey, I can't believe you.

Okay, Patti, I'm sorry. I just really wanted this night for myself without you controlling the whole thing.

And thanks a lot, Ricky.

Why did you come here of all places?

She said, "Take me to that place I won tickets to last night that Audrey snaked," and you don't challenge a queen bee.

I hope a basic knowledge of film trivia isn't a requirement, or else we're never getting out of here.

(chuckles)

Yeah, well I hope respect for other people's personal property isn't a requirement either or we're really, really never getting out of here.

Unless you've dramatically improved your game skills since last night, you and Brock should prepare to have your asses kicked by me and Ricky.

Oh, uh... (chuckles)

Are those for sure the teams?

Actually, we're all on the same team, working together.

Huh.

Together.

Announcer: Say goodbye.

Ricky: What's happening?

Announcer: You are about to enter m*rder Basement.

(laughs maniacally)

Ricky: Patti? Patti, are you there?

I already don't like this.

I'm sorry, Ramone.

I overreacted.

You are a man of passion.

Yeah.

As am I.

And so we reach a resolution.

Yeah.

Please, sit.

Ah, okay.

Did you... Oh, no, no. You don't have to...

Oh, okay.

Okay, yeah, no.

This is why everybody likes this.

I understand you are upset, because I saw into your heart.

You are in love with Roxanne.

Maybe.

I hope you did not mistake my care-taking for flirtation.

(scoffs) You kiddin' me? No way.

Okay, yeah. Maybe I did a little bit.

Make no mistake.

I am here to breath life into Kevin's weak body, not seduce his sister's.

Now, does Roxanne know you have these desires for her?

Well, she doesn't, but I think he does.

So I was thinking I should tell her.

I mean, what do I have to lose, right?

Everything.

Where I come from, we say, "You don't date your best friend's sister.

"You marry your best friend's sister, or risk losing your best friend."

You're right.

I can't date Roxie unless I'm sure it'll work.

These clues are useless.

There's got to be something major we're not seeing.

I'm checking this.

Ah, you don't know what to look for. Give it to me.

I do know what to look for, Patti.

Ricky: Guys, we're gonna be dead in 22 minutes.

There's so much I have left to do before I die.

Doll: Mama.

I never thanked my high school drama teacher for making me feel so accepted.

I never apologized to my cousin, Greg for being jealous of his mustache.

I never got in touch with my Jewish heritage.

Okay, okay. Listen up, people.

As your captain, I command you to rip up the couch.

The couch has nothing to do with the puzzle, and you're not the captain just because you say you are.

Uh, babe.

That's how I became captain of the jujitsu team, so it can happen.

I hear the dogs! They're getting closer!

They're not real dogs.

Then why am I having an allergic reaction?

And this room, getting smaller. It's getting smaller.

Okay, calm down, Ricky! Calm down!

We're not gonna die here. I won't let it happen.

He will if you keep sucking the air out of the room.

Oh, am I sucking in all your air, Audrey?

Was I supposed to ask to borrow it first?

Others have been here.

Others have d*ed!

Patti!

It's okay. We have a safe word.

Butter, but that wasn't me using it just then.

Doll: Ow.

Brian: Hey.

So, the doc said he's well enough to handle the meeting, but not heavy machinery.

So, I'll drive and work the elevators for him.

Thanks, Brian. Kevin needs you too, you know?

Yeah, I know. I finally got to see what you guys see in Ramone.

He's a good guy and wise.

His chiseled face and piercing eyes are just a bonus.

Yeah, a guy like that is one in a million.

Huh.

You know, I always thought he was just another pretty boy who's good at giving massages, but he's more than that. You're right.

I'm right?

What are you doing?

Emailing him to see if he wants to hook up.

But he said I shouldn't mistake his care-taking for flirtation.

Oh, thanks for the tip, Bri.

Yeah.

Looks like I'm gonna have to be the aggressor on this one.

(whimpers)

Brock and I are going to Paris, and you can come, right?

Won't that be wonderful?

The three of us forever.

I'm sorry, but I can't do that anymore.

I'm the only one getting on that plane.

I'm going to Italy... alone.

No, I'm coming with you, Kev.

What's up?

You know, Brian, I think this is the continuation of a beautiful friendship.

(whistle trills)

Round up the usual spa guests.

It's gonna be a rager tonight.

(dance music plays)
♪ Get up out your seat ♪
♪ Get up out your seat ♪

Patti: Check the beds. Check the lamps. Check the thermostat.

It's freaking humid in here. Is my hair fuzzy?

Forget it. We're out of clues, and you as our self-appointed leader did nothing to save us.

Maybe if you let this be something other than The Patti Show, we could escape.

Uh, my show?

You're the one who thinks you own this thing.

You didn't even want me to be here.

I didn't want you to come because I thought you would do exactly what you're doing.

What you always do... Take over.

I don't want to take over, okay?

I guess I've just never really known how to take a back seat.

Look, maybe it's to feel needed, or 'cause I'm an only child and always had to fend for myself.

Maybe it's 'cause when my parents divorced, I grasped at control 'cause I had none.

Or maybe I'm just entitled.

I think it's the last one.

Look, whatever the reason is, it's not an excuse to do what you want, not all the time, like borrow stuff without asking or taking people's family photos down because their grandmothers creep you out.

Oh, the pictures!

Check behind the pictures!

Go! That one.

Something, something, something.

Keep checking! Faster!

Go, go, go.

Oh! Hey, babe, there's numbers behind this one!

Yes! Read them to me!

Two...

Too slow!

Two, seven, six, nine.

Wooh!

Announcer: Congratulations, you have escaped m*rder Basement.

(cheers)

You guys were useless.

We never would have looked behind the pictures if you hadn't pointed them out.

I'm sorry I almost didn't give you a chance.

And I need to learn to speak up right away.

Sometimes I wish I had a little of your... assertiveness.

It actually came in handy tonight.

Ricky: Move.

Audrey: Oh.

Okay, okay.

Oh, after you.

Thank you.

Okay, this is what a back seat feels like. Not so bad.

Go get me my purse, hon.

Purse, purse, purse.

Announcer: Welcome to m*rder Basement.

No, no, no.

Escape and win.

No, no. There's been a mistake!

Fail and die!

m*rder! m*rder!

m*rder!

Hey, how'd it go?

Good, man.

Yeah?

Great. I got the job.

Well, I guess I'm moving to Italy.

You serious?

Yeah.

Hey, you should come with me, man.

Something in a dream made me think that would be a really good move for you.

Oh, this works, man, because I have no reason to stay here. Yes.

Yeah?

Yes, let's go to Italy, boy.

Oh! (laughs)

Let's go. Let's go.

Wait, you're not gonna miss Roxie? I thought you would.

Psh, no, I've... that's...

That's crazy stuff, Kev. No.

You know what's even crazier?

I always kinda saw you two together, eventually.

Huh?

You don't...

You don't think that that would ruin our friendship?

No.

You think she'll visit?

(chuckles) No.

She would not like it there. She can't stand accents.

Damn, she might be over that now.

Hey, man, thanks for taking care of me this week.

Finally back to normal.

Yeah, about time.

Well, wish me luck on this interview.

Kev, you already did the interview, Kevin.

Hmm?

Oh, sh**t.

Hey, come back, buddy. No, Kev.

Huh?

Kev, you already did it. You already did the...

You already did the...

Yeah, right. I already did it. Okay.