07x03 - The Shirt

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

Frankie: Everybody has their own idea of paradise, but for Sue Heck, it's...

You can sign up for anything?

♪♪

[Gasps]

Hi.

Now, what if I join your club and I don't exactly have any tap experience?

I once did a shuffle off to Buffalo in a skit about the food pyramid.

I-I was broccoli. But that's about it.

No problem. You don't need any experience.

Just sign up.

Okay, okay, okay.

And when are they making cuts?

Should a person expect a text, e-mail, phone call?

There are no cuts.

What?

Yeah, no cuts. It's just about having fun.

Oh.

Ahh.

Hi, what do you guys do?

We're working to save polar bears.

I love polar bears! And saving things.

Origami!

So, want to come over later and do nothing?

I don't know. How is your ant problem?

We seem to have reached a happy agreement.

Whenever I have pizza, I throw them a slice in the corner.

Seems to appease 'em.

Wow, I never thought I'd see peace with the ants in my lifetime.

Oh. Well, anyway, I got to get to practice.

Coach put me in for almost a full minute on Saturday.

[Grunts]

Wouldn't look good if a star player showed up late.

You know, got to set a good example.

Think we should stop her?

Nah. Let her wear herself out.

She'll sleep better.

Hey.

Oh, my God, did you know there is a whole club just for tasting cheese?

I mean, I always thought there were only two kinds...

Regular and squeezy.

[Sighs] Anyway...

Thanks for coming with me.

My roommate said this was lame, but clearly her lame-dar is way off, because this is so not lame.

[Gasps] "Jelly is my Jam" Club!

Ooh.

What are you doing?

I'm signing Axl up for the Renaissance Society.

Think he'll be mad at me?

What?

Uh, no way.

You could do anything and he wouldn't get mad at you.

Uh, he is head over heels for you.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah. No, trust me.

I am his sister. I have never seen him like this before.

I mean, he loves you.

Did he actually say that?

Yeah, pretty much.

I mean, I get you guys are only in college, but think about it...

Someday you and I could be sisters-in-law.

How awesome would that be?

[Gasps] Candle-making?

I have prior candle-making experience.

♪♪

[Static crackles]

All right, turn on the microwave.

No, phone's still crackling. Turn it off.

[Beep]

Uh-huh. I figured it out.

What we have here is a crackly phone.

[Sighs] We've got to fix this, Mike.

Paula Norwood called and invited us to dinner Friday night, and I could barely hear what she said.

Oh, no. They don't want to drag us to that crepe place, do they?

I don't like sauce.

I don't know.

All I know is it's 7:30 at "kck-kck-kck-kck-kck."

Don't worry.

I'm gonna try to talk Paula into going to that new place next to the teddy bear hospital.

I have coupons for that.

Just to be safe, I'll eat before we go.

May I speak to the both of you?

Looks like you're already doing it.

It has come to my attention that with Axl and Sue gone, I'm the only one left doing the chores.

Hmm, whose turn is it to empty the dishwasher?

Oh, look, it's me.

Whose turn is it to take out the trash?

Well, since Sue's not here, I guess it's me.

Who's next in line to vacuum?

Let me eliminate the suspense.

It's me.

So, to remedy this obvious injustice, I've taken the Liberty of creating a new chore chart.

As you can see, I divided all the labor up equally.

It's time you two start pulling your weight around here and sharing in the chores.

We do plenty of chores, Brick. It's called our life.

This conversation's a chore.

The bathroom is really gross.

So, Dad, can I put you down for Tuesdays and Thursdays?

Uh, put me down for "no days" and "no days."

Well, that's gonna put a lot of extra work on Mom, but okay.

Look, Brick, you're the one using the bathroom, so you're the one that's gonna clean it.

Now, just get some cleaning supplies from the laundry room and get on it.

I'm beginning to think you only had children because you wanted slaves.

No, we had them 'cause of beer.

♪♪

Mike, where did I put the coupons?

You didn't take 'em, did you? You're always taking my stuff.

Unless it's for tires, I didn't take 'em.

[Sighs]

Well, I know I put 'em somewh...

Well, hey, there, Hawkeye. Where's Trapper John?

What?

I don't know. I-I have never seen you wear a Hawaiian shirt.

Are your 400 flannels in the wash?

Ah, the kids gave me this years ago.

I saw it in the closet and said, "what the hey?"

You're wearing a Hawaiian shirt and saying "what the hey?"

Who are you?

I've worn other shirts before. It's not a big deal.

Now, what's the difference between extra strength and super...

Whoa. Dad, I can see your elbows.

[Chuckles] I know. I don't believe it, either.

It's your Dad's head, but it's like it's on another body.

Mind blown.

Relax. It's a shirt, people.

I've got to show this to Axl and Sue.

[Camera shutter clicks, cellphone vibrates]

Sue: Oh, my God. Let me see, let me see.

What is happening? Why is Dad wearing that shirt?

I don't know.

Is it Hawaiian day at the quarry?

Are Mom and Dad going to a costume party?

Yeah, like your Dad would ever wear a costume to a costume party.

Maybe his vision's going and he no longer sees pattern.

Okay, let's everyone stop worrying about me so much and start worrying about this library book I just found.

We paid 30 bucks for this. Got to look first, people.

[Telephone ringing]

[Beep]

Hi, Axl.

Axl: Okay, I know what's going on here.

We just studied this. It's classic identity disorder.

Dad's mind has him convinced he's someone else in order to cope with his sucky life.

Axl, can you hear me? Do you believe it?

Dad's actually wearing the Hawaiian shirt we got him!

I know, but why? Does he know he's wearing it?

Was he asleep, and they just put it on him?

I don't know.

Oh, and guess what. He's going outside in it.

Oh, my God.

Frankie: Hey, hey, hey.

Be happy he's wearing something different.

Let's not get on him. He's like a deer in the yard.

We don't want to scare him away.

Hey! I found the coupons.

Let's blow this popsicle stand!

What? I say that all the time.

♪♪

[Door opens]

[Laughs] Hey.

Check out this picture of my Dad in a Hawaiian shirt.

Axl, I think we should break up.

He doesn't have to wear it all the time.

Wait, are you serious?

♪♪

Sue.

Hey, Axl.

Check me out.

I am tumbling rocks for my Geology Club and getting my broom ready for Muggle Quidditch.

I haven't figured out how to work homework into all my club activities, but luckily, I'm in homework club!

Devin broke up with me. [Clears throat]

What?

Yeah. Apparently she had a long conversation with someone like my dork sister, and it totally freaked her out.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

She thinks we're moving too fast. What the hell did you say to her, Sue?!

I did... I-I don't... I don't know... I mean, I-I don't know.

I-I-I said that you loved her, 'cause, I mean, you do.

And it would be really cool if you guys got married someday.

Married?!

No, no, no. That's not what I meant.

I-I-I mean, not now. Not now.

Just, like, someday, you know? 'Cause you guys are...

Mm! I knew if you came to my college, you would ruin my life!

And I've been so good to you! I took you out for pizza!

I nodded at you in the quad, twice!

I saw you wipe out in the union.

I didn't laugh or draw attention or anything!

I am so, so sorry, Axl. I thought I was helping.

If I'm the one who broke you two up, I will never forgive myself.

Okay, you know what? That's it.

We're going back to the old rules.

You don't know me, and I don't know you, all right?

No saying hi. No waving at me across campus.

150-foot radius around me at all times.

If you see me coming, you lay in a ditch until I pass!

We are done!

♪♪

[Water splashes]

One.

[Flushes]

Two.

[Flushes]

Three.

[Flushes]

Hey, there! Hello.

Hey, guys.

Hi!

Hey, Hawkeye. Where's Trapper John?

[Laughs] I already used that one.

What about Tom Selleck? Have you done that?

I knew I was forgetting one.

So, you about to cr*ck the big case, there, Magnum?

[Laughter]

That's big talk from a guy who likes crepes.

Okay, you need to get over your fear of sauce, man.

Never.

[Chuckles] Okay, so, listen.

I have two coupons, but the thing is, you can only use one per table.

So, here's the plan.

We're gonna pretend like we were sitting separately and we just ran into each other, and so now we're combining our two tables.

Okay, don't let Bill say anything, 'cause he's never good at this stuff.

What do you mean I'm never good at this stuff?

I'm great at this stuff.

[Clears throat]

Hi. How's everybody doing tonight?

Hi.

Good. Thank you.

So, listen, we were sitting separately, but now we're gonna sit with our friends, who we just ran into, but you should consider it two separate tables for anything that might happen later.

Bill: Yep, yep. Separate tables.

'Cause we came here by ourselves and then just happened to run into these good people right here.

There was no prior communication, even with all the devices that are available today.

I don't even have an iPad.

I don't even know why you would even need one.

And an iPhone? Well, I think that's just kind of a waste of money, if you ask me.

Not that we're the kind of people that are pinching pennies, 'cause we're doing great.

Hey, can we please get that bread basket?

Remind me... we need to play poker.

[Both laugh]

Okay, so does everybody know what they want?

Ooh! I might order a piña colada.

Ooh. Do you like piña coladas, Mike?

Getting caught in the rain?

[Chuckles] Ah, yeah.

You know, there are about a million other things in the world we could be talking about.

Football, baseball, tennis, if you're desperate, which I am.

Right, right, right. Okay. Well, you got the Colts.

You know, got that new running back.

So it should really be a good year.

I think... I'm sorry.

I can't think of anything but the shirt.

Hey, come on. We really should give Mike a break.

We'll do four more minutes on the shirt, then we'll move on.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

So, after 3,000 flushes with no results, Brick turned to where every kid goes when he needs guidance... YouTube.

Hey, y'all.

I'm Randy Poteat of Tahlequah, Oklahoma, and I'm gonna show you how to properly clean a bathroom.

Woman: Randy, dinner!

I'm making another video for the YouTube!

Uh-oh. This here is mildew, the enemy of every bathroom.

♪♪

While cleaning, you may discover loose grout.

Loose or flaking grout must be replaced.

Ignoring this step could lead to... black mold.

To learn more about replacing grout, go to lesson three.

While removing this grout, you may identify some loose tiles.

Uh-oh.

[Tiles clink]

To repair loose tiles, go to lesson four.

♪♪

I'm sorry... those were legitimate coupons.

They should have honored them.

We could have been sitting at separate tables.

They don't know.

I'm telling you... it's Bill who blew it. He shouldn't have jumped in.

I had this thing. We were golden.

You know, people who have no community-theater experience should just leave this kind of stuff to the professionals.

He owes us 10 bucks.

[Sighs] What is up with you?

Nothing's up.

You've been pissy since the breadsticks.

I'm not pissy.

[Scoffs]

It was a lot more than four minutes on the shirt.

That's all.

Oh, come on. You're exaggerating.

"Hey, Don Ho, how about a chorus of 'Tiny Bubbles'?

Ha, ha, ha."

"How much to ride the paddleboard?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

"How would you like a nice Hawaiian punch?

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!"

That last one was you.

Okay, look... I like the shirt.

But, honestly, you have no one but yourself to blame.

You made your flannel bed, and now you got to lie in it.

What, am I so rigid and predictable that if I put a different shirt on one day, it becomes a whole thing?

Uh, yeah.

[Chuckles] Come on.

If Fred Flintstone starts walking around Bedrock in something other than his leopard man-dress, you don't think that Wilma and Barney and Betty aren't gonna give him crap?

Can we just drop this?

Yeah. I'm fine dropping it.

Consider it dropped.

The thing is, when a guy wears a Hawaiian shirt, people expect a certain lightness of spirit that you...

I'm just gonna say it... lack.

It's okay. We don't expect it from you.

You have other qualities.

You're very tall.

You intimidate servicepeople.

It didn't help us tonight, but whatever.

Personally, I like Hawaiian Mike.

I just want to understand Hawaiian Mike.

Walk me through the process.

You're going through your shirts...

Plaid, plaid, plaid, plaid, plaid...

Hawaiian!

I got to ask...

It's been hanging in your closet for years.

Why today?

Look, I'm not gonna walk you through the process 'cause there is no process.

I looked in the closet. I thought the shirt might be fun...

Boy, was I wrong about that... and I put it on.

But don't worry, 'cause I'm never gonna wear the stupid thing again.

Now, why would you say that?

Sue: Devin! Devin! Hey, wait, wait!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Look, I might have said some things the other day that are not true, and I was just talking, and they do not reflect Axl's thinking in any way.

Sue, what's going on?

What's going on is I am setting the record straight.

And when you have something really important to say, there is no better way to do it than through song.

And I brought some of my friends from my new no-cut a cappella club to help me.

[Clears throat]

[Plays note]

Three, four.

♪ I know, know, know he ♪
♪ Does not love, love, love you ♪
♪ He doesn't care that much ♪
♪ Not about anything, really ♪
♪ I know, know, know he ♪
♪ Does not love, love, love you ♪
♪ No, he doesn't ♪
♪ no, he doesn't ♪
♪ No, he doesn't ♪
♪ no, he doesn't ♪
♪ He might never ♪
♪ Never, ooh ♪
♪ You should go talk to him ♪
♪ Just talk, talk, talk to him ♪
♪ He's just leaving Calculus ♪
♪ If you run, you can catch up with him ♪
♪ I shouldn't have butted in ♪
♪ No, she shouldn't have butted in ♪
♪ And I won't ever ♪
♪ she won't ever ♪
♪ Ever, ever ♪
♪ ever, ever ♪
♪ Never again ♪

[Harmonizing off-key]

Shh!

Wow.

Well, that's...

Thank you.

I guess.

[Sighs]

Hey, Nancy.

Hi, Frankie.

Look, I-I was just wondering if, you know, everything's okay between us.

Uh, yeah. Everything's fine.

I know you had a luau and didn't invite us.

Wait, what?

I saw Mike in the Hawaiian shirt.

[Laughs] Oh, that.

Is this because of the m*rder-mystery party we had?

Because that was small.

Just people from Ron's work, and the Norwoods.

Okay, Nancy, I can assure you we did not have a luau.

And just so you know, we went out with the Norwoods, too.

Paula called me special.

Anyway, for whatever reason, out of nowhere, Mike decided he wanted to wear a Hawaiian shirt.

Oh.

Yep. Ron went through this, too.

What do you mean?

Well, when men get to a certain age, they suddenly want to do something different.

With Ron, it was taking karate and ordering thin-crust pizza.

It's like I was living with a stranger.

Anyway, it's a midlife crisis.

Or, as Dr. Oz likes to call it, "man-opause."

They all go through it.

What? No, no. Not Mike. He hates different.

Besides, it was just the one shirt, and he's not even wearing it anymore.

I am just glad that you and I are okay. Whew! That is a weight off.

No, we're fine.

Like I would ever have a party without you. You bring all the good food!

[Laughs] Frankie.

Well, I got to run. Ron has an exhibition at the dojo.

He's never gonna b*at that 12-year-old.

Her hands are like lightning from being in that wheelchair.

♪♪

All right! Come and get it!

You guys want to eat pizza, you got to do it out here!

You abused your privileges, getting into the nutter butters!

You're outside ants now.

[Sighs]

Oh. Hey.

I'm just sitting here eating three-day-old pizza and talking to ants.

See what you've been missing?

I saw Sue. She was with her a cappella group.

And they sang a song to me about us.

Oh. Good.

And here I was worried she'd make it worse.

Look, I'm sorry.

I don't know.

I guess I freaked out and I was kind of probably a jerk about it and didn't give you a chance to talk.

So, you know, we should talk.

Uh, here's the thing.

I don't know what Sue said to you, or apparently sang to you, but I didn't think what we were doing here was super serious.

I'm not ready to get married.

I mean, this is college. I'm not thinking ahead.

Yes, exactly. It's college.

I mean, I don't want to get serious, either.

This is supposed to be about you and me hanging out and having fun.

Exactly. That's all I ever wanted.

Really? So we're on the same page?

Completely. [Chuckles]

As we always have been.

So, let's just go back to that with a new additional rule of not listening to anything Sue says again, ever.

Hmm?

Cool.

All right.

Although...

College is supposed to be the best time of our lives, and we wouldn't want to look back and think we didn't have all the fun we could have.

[Sighs]

What are you saying?

Well, um, I'm just saying...

Do you ever think about all the hot girls on this campus?

Would I get in trouble if I said yes?

No!

It's like, when are we ever gonna be presented with this many hot guys and girls our age ever again?

So, you're saying we should see other people?

Maybe.

But we should also still see each other, too.

Does that sound weird?

No, that sounds awesome.

Are you sure you're not a guy?

I just want us to see each other, see other people, and definitely watch football together every Sunday.

I swear to God, if I didn't want to marry you, I would marry you.

Ah!

♪♪

[Sighs]

[Sniffs]

Really, Brick?

I'm on it.

All I need is a can of high-quality thin-set and a ceramic saw.

Randy Poteat on Youtube says, "y'all got to do it right the first time, or you'll be back at it in 10 years."

Randy Poteat.

All I asked was for you to clean the bathroom!

How hard is that?

Well, if you want to do it properly, you have to get to the root of the problem.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Brick.

We are not "root of the problem" people.

The surface is where we live.

You start chipping away and digging down to the root of everything, the whole place falls apart.

The filth and grime is what's holding everything together.

You want to see a video of how we fix things?

We wipe, we slide, we shove, we close.

If a drawer is too full to open, move on to the next one.

Never open it again.

That would have been critical information to have before I started.

I know, Brick. I'm sorry.

With Sue away at college and your Dad's shirt, I've been distracted, and I've let some things slide...

Mainly, you.

But things are gonna be back to normal now, I promise.

[Engine revs]

♪♪

CHeck it out. Remember Mark the field manager?

He has to move, so he sold it for cheap.

It's in great shape, too.

[Engine revs]

Who are you? You look like a broom riding a motorcycle.

I don't care.

I always wanted one of these things.

[Sighs] It's gonna be fun.

Gonna get some rags and clean this baby up.

Hold on. I-I don't get it.

In 22, 23... whatever years of marriage, you have never once said anything about a motorcycle.

I don't know. I guess I just wanted something different.

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Cellphone vibrates]

Hey, Sue.

I just can't do this many clubs.

I mean, I-I-I got to figure out a way to quit some.

I think I over-clubbed, Brick.

I totally get why there are cuts in high school now.

I have grown up so much in two weeks.

Axl: Sue, there are more important things to talk about than your stupid clubs.

Dad bought a motorcycle. That's a cool thing to do.

I'm telling you, be careful. Dad is not Dad.

Brick: You're right.

Things are weird here.

Ever since you left, I don't know, I think maybe you guys are the filth that holds this family together.

Aww.

It's true, though.

You know, I was cleaning the bathroom this week...

Cleaning?

And decided to go on Youtube to help me out with everything.

[Indistinct conversation]