01x04 - Pig Out

[bunniefuu]

Fozzie: All right, Miss Piggy's gonna be coming out in a couple of minutes.

Waldorf: Yeah. Yeah!

Statler: Oh. Whatever. Yeah!

So, before we start the show, how about a tip or two for the out-of-towners about our driving regulations, huh?

Here in Los Angeles, a yellow light means update your Facebook status.

Ah!

I just updated my Facebook status... bored!

[Laughter]

Hey, this is where I make the jokes.

We're ready when you are.

[Laughter]

Yeah.

How do I deal with hecklers?

I'm a professional comedian. It's just part of the job.

The part that keeps you from completely liking yourself.

Broadcast standards over here won't let us do the bit where Piggy jumps into a vat of chocolate pudding.

The network has concerns that a child might jump into a vat of pudding at home and drown.

[Sighs]

Who has a vat of pudding at home?

You know America struggles with portion size.

Sorry, Gonzo. You know.

Oh, um, hey, Kermit?

Yeah?

Uh, there's a lecture on astral projection next Friday.

Oh, oh, so you want the day off?

No, I'll be here.

I just wanted you to know that I'll be there, too.

Hey, Sam.

Hmm.

So, uh, anything else?

Hello?

Did you hear that?

Janice just said, "Hey, Sam."

[Laughs]

Now, that could mean one of two things... "Hello to you, my colleague Sam." Or the more obvious, "I've loved you for a million lifetimes."

[Sighs]

Ahh...

Whoa!

[Laughs]

You know, the best thing about this g*n is it's handy if you're ever being robbed by a topless guy.

[Laughter]

Oh.

Oh, that was bad.

Yeah, pretty bad.

All right, guys, one last one before we start the show!

[Audience shouting]

[Groans] Huh, jammed.

Oh, oh, I like where this is going.

Oh, yeah.

[Both laugh]

Aw.

Sorry, folks. It's just not wo...

[Grunts] Oh!

Oh. Ha! I got the T-shirt!

[Laughs] Hey, Stat... Statler?

[Groans]

Hmm. At least I got the T-shirt.

[Groans]

♪

[Ding]

♪ Ooh!

Yeah!

♪ Unh!

Hmm. Time to get things started.

ha ha ha!

Hey, Statler, make sure they take you to county medical.

They're pretty loosey-goosey with the meds over there.

[Groans]

[Laughs]

Kermit.

Oh, boy.

If you need help covering this up, I'm great at hiding things.

Hey, Fozzie, are you gonna be okay to get back out there?

Hmm? Me?

Sure.

I'm a pro.

Okay.

I know the perfect way to win back the crowd.

I'll bust out the old candy slingshot and some jawbreakers, yeah!

No, no. No, no, no, no.

Fozzie, just get out there and tell your jokes.

Yeah.

All right.

[Sighs]

What about gumballs?

Jokes!

[Sighs]

[Humming]

Oh. Did you hear?

Some poor man in the crowd got sh*t in the face with a T-shirt.

No!

What's good to eat?

Ooh. En forgi soygan.

Swedish Sushi? What the heck is that?

Ooh. Fer der meatball fer der soygan sauce.

Uh... You know what? I'm gonna pass.

Okay.

Ugh.

[Meeping]

Oh, I shall inquire.

Excuse me, Mr. Bobo.

Yes, sir.

Will the crew still be gathering for drinks after the show?

I called Rowlf and he's holding our table.

Excellent! Because this evening, my PhD stands for "pretty hard drinking."

Oh.

Not really. It refers to [Chuckles] my advanced academic degree.

Oh.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Chef.

Does everyone go out after the show?

Erhhhh...

[Applause in distance]

[Groans]

Kermit!

Miss Piggy: Kermit!

Got it.

It's Miss Piggy!

There she is!

Ker... hello, everyone.

[Whistle, applause]

Kermit, I need to talk with you.

Well, d-don't worry, Piggy.

I don't think he's gonna sue as long as we find his teeth.

Got 'em!

Look at me. I'm Bradley Coopers.

[Laughs]

I guess we found them.

Did you know the crew goes out after the show and they've never invited me?

Oh. [Clears throat]

Uh, yeah, yeah. Let's talk.

What? What?

Listen, Piggy, they don't invite me, either, you know?

They don't want the bosses there.

It's their time to blow off some steam about work.

Oh, hey, everybody! Everybody!

Beaker does the best Piggy.

Watch this.

"Oh, Miss Piggy, can I get you anything?"

Me, me, me, me, moi.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

[Laughter]

Oh! It's like she's in the room.

Trust me, you don't want to go.

Of course I don't want to go.

They own things like mini vans and laundry baskets.

I just want to be asked. Make it happen.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You want me to force the crew to ask you out just so you can say no?

Yeah.

Piggy, be rational.

[Chuckling] Oh, Kermit, that doesn't sound like me at all.

Ah, where are you from, sir?

Phoenix.

Phoenix, huh?

You know, it's so hot in Phoenix that...

Oh, who cares?

We're all just hanging by a thread.

Tomorrow's promised to no one.

Enjoy the show.

[Microphone thuds, feedback]

Bravo!

[Laughs]

Oh, come on, Kermit. Don't make us ask Miss Piggy to go out with us.

Yeah, like every time I socialize with one of my lady bosses, they wind up falling in love with me, it gets awkward, and one of us has to go.

Since I don't really do anything, it's usually me.

Yeah, guys, but come on. She's not gonna say yes.

You know, she just wants to feel respected, so make it sound sincere, please?

Okay, okay. I'll do it. I'll do it.

Oh, good.

You know I played Hamlet in high school?

Oh.

It was a very controversial casting choice because I was not very good.

Well, it...

Piggy: Good night, everybody.

Oh, h-here she comes. Here she comes.

Oh, oh.

Get home safe.

Uh, yeah, yeah. Good night.

Thank you.

Oh. Oh. Cool.

Maybe tomorrow night.

I'm sorry. Did somebody invite me to something?

Oh, uh [Clears throat] Pepe. Pepe.

[Stammers]

Right here. Yeah.

M-M-M-M-Miss Piggy?

Yes?

Sí. Uh, would you...

sh**t. Line?

Oh, uh...

Oh. Are you inviting moi to go to Rowlf's tonight with vous?

Sí, sí. This was my line.

Oh!

Well, that is such a sweet invitation.

Well... but unfortunately, I've got a massage appointment, so I won't be able to join you.

Aww.

But thank you.

Well, that's so sad.

Thank you. That is so dear of you.

Oh, no.

Thank you. We love you.

Yes!

Well, good night.

See you next time.

Oh, thank you so much, guys.

[Laughs]

Listen, you have really made my life easier.

Changed my mind! See you there.

[Giggles] Fun with Piggy!

Fun, fun, fun.

Oh.

Uh...

Well, I mean, uh, you heard her.

It's... it's gonna be fun, right?

Wh...

Fun, fun, fun.

What'd you do?

Excuse me.

Kermit, what'd you do?

[Knock on door]

Oh, hello, Kermit.

Wasn't that sweet of the crew to invite me like that?

It was so unexpected.

Are you insane? You said you'd say no.

I know, but then something happened.

What?

I said yes.

Do these diamonds make me look relatable?

Why did you say yes?! You promised me you wouldn't!

Kermit, back when I was a young chorus girl... [Sighs] .. every now and then, the star would join us after the show and it would be such a thrill.

Yeah, yeah, [Muttering]

Now it's time for me Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. to brighten up my crew's drab little lives.

Drab lives.

They want moi.

They deserve moi.

[Sighs]

And they're about to get a big steaming pile of moi!

Oh. You...

Of course Piggy said yes.

She's so desperate to be loved by everybody that she conned me into being a part of her sordid scheme.

[Sighs]

[Chuckles]

Got to give it to her. She's really good at that.

[Sighs]

Any known allergies?

Hmm? Oh, just chocolate.

Yeah.

I got into my cupboard once.

Ate a lot of it.

Got real sick, and there was talk of putting me down.

Uh... oh, wait.

No, that... that was my dog.

[Groans]

Hello.

Huh?! Huh?! Aah!

You! What are you doing here? You come to finish me off?

I was worried about you.

Oh, yeah? Well, that's the difference between us.

If I ever sh*t you, you'd be lying face down in front of my fireplace.

[Laughs]

Oh, oh, oh!

It hurts to laugh.

[Sighs]

So, I guess I'm safe with you in the room.

[Laughs] Oh.

You know what? I don't have to take this.

I just came here to say I'm sorry and to... and to give you these.

So, I'm gonna go.

[Groans]

You're the only one who came to visit me.

Waldorf never showed up?

Nah. He's afraid of hospitals.

He fell asleep in the waiting room once and they took him to the morgue.

You know, you might have more visitors if you were just a little less... [Groans] .. soul-crushing.

Yeah.

I got lots of problems.

Look, I-I do have to go, but...

Let me know if you need anything, all right?

Yeah.

Hey, wait.

My reading glasses broke when you knocked me ass over tea kettle.

Maybe you could stop by the drug store and get me a new pair.

No problem.

Okay.

And my neck's hurting.

Uh, would you mind going to the bed store and picking me up one of those memory foam pillows?

I need the one that remembers my head.

Hate starting over every time I lay down.

Um... anything else?

Yeah, an oscillating fan.

I love it when I'm just laying there and then all of a sudden... wind.

Let me grab a pen.

Piggy: What a day, right, guys?

I mean, total drag. [Laughs]

Oh, yeah.

Why, just this morning, I'm lying by the pool and my landscape designer starts bragging about his kids.

Don't you hate it when that happens?

Uh, we don't have those.

What, landscape designers?

Landscapes.

Well, you don't have to imagine how annoying it is to be held c*ptive by some blowhard yapping about their personal life.

We certainly don't.

Anyway, then I got to work finally.

The limo was stuck in traffic...

For the love of Mike.

Aye, somebody peel and eat me already.

I've had more fun in a glue trap.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, and that is why I always take a helicopter to Catalina.

Know what I mean?

Ed: Piggy!

Oh, my God. Ed Helms!

Ed Helms!

Hey, you sexy side of sausage.

I haven't seen you since my birthday party.

At Chuck E. Cheese. Yeah.

Fascinating choice of venue for an adult.

Yeah, well, my niece had a party there and didn't invite me, so I had my own party and didn't invite her.

[Rizzo laughs]

Payback! [Laughs]

Your turn to cry now, Madison.

Even if you are 11.

[Laughs]

What are you doing? Sit down. Join us.

Yeah, please.

I'm just hanging with my crew.

No, no, no. I don't want to interrupt.

No, no, no, no, sit.

Join us. Join us.

Animal go get drinks.

Yeah, yeah, please. Right here, buddy.

Hey, all right.

Hey, uh, uh, where do I know you from?

I don't know. Maybe "The Office."

Oh, oh. We work together.

Oh, man, I'm sorry, brother.

I'm Floyd. I'm with the band.

Hey, it's good to see you again.

Mm-hm.

Have a drink.

Okay.

Uh, I'm Janice, and, um, you know, I'm, like, also with the band.

Is that right?

For sure.

Yeah, cool. I love bands.

Mm-hmm. Really?

Yeah, what, uh... what instrument do you play?

Oh, wow, like, I play the guitar.

Wow.

Do you play an instrument?

I-I-I play some banjo.

Oh, I love the banjo.

[Sighs] I had to run around town all night, but I finally got everything on Statler's list.

You know, it really feels good to do something nice for somebody you sh*t in the face.

Statler!

Statler, wake up.

I got you everything you asked for.

Statler?

Noooooo!

Every forest ranger will tell you the same thing.

Most bear att*cks do not happen because of hunger.

They happen because some bear... got his feelings hurt.

[Sighs]

♪ If you wanna be my lover ♪
♪ You gotta get with my friends ♪
♪ Make it last forever ♪
♪ Friendship never ends ♪
♪ Love shack ♪
♪ Baby, love shack ♪
♪ Love shack ♪
♪ Baby, love shack ♪

Everybody!

♪ Love shack ♪
♪ Baby, love shack ♪

Woman: Whoo!

♪ Love shack ♪
♪ Baby, love shack ♪

["Rapper's Delight" plays]

♪ I said a hip hop ♪
♪ The hippie, the hippie, to the hip-hip hop ♪
♪ And you don't stop, the rock it ♪
♪ To the bang-bang boogie, say up jump the boogie ♪
♪ To the rhythm of the boogie, the b*at ♪
♪ Now, what you hear is not a test ♪
♪ I'm rappin' to the b*at ♪
♪ Lover's in love and the other's run away ♪
♪ Lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay ♪
♪ Some of us hover when we're weeping for the other ♪
♪ Who was dying since the day they were born, well... ♪
♪ I got flowers ♪
♪ In the spring ♪

Ahh.

Beaker: ♪ Me me me ♪
♪ I got you ♪
♪ Me me me ♪
♪ To wear my ring ♪ Take it, Beaker!

♪ Me me me me ♪

Woman: Whoo-hoo!

♪ Me me me me ♪

My hero.

♪ Me me-me me me ♪
♪ Me me me me-e-e-e-e ♪
♪ And me, the groove, and my friends ♪
♪ Are gonna try to move your feet ♪

All: Whoo!

♪ See, I am wonder Mike ♪
♪ And I'd like to say hello ♪

All: Hello!

♪ To the black, to the white, the red, and the brown ♪
♪ The purple and yellow ♪

Yellow!

♪ But first I gotta bang-bang the boogie to the boogie ♪
♪ Say up jump the boogie to the bang-bang boogie, let's rock ♪
♪ Did you ever know that you're my hero? ♪
♪ And everything I would like to be ♪

Thank you.

♪ I can fly higher than an eagle ♪

[Laughs]

♪ For you are the wind beneath my wings ♪

[Microphone thuds, feedback]

♪ Up and down the boulevard ♪
♪ Their shadows searching in the night ♪

Hey, uh... hey, Piggy.

Hmm?

Piggy, thanks for this, but, uh, we got a big day at work tomorrow.

So do what I do. Go in late.

♪ Streetlights ♪

Wh... uh, I don't know. Kermit...

♪ People ♪

.. gets kind of cranky if we don't get in by 9:00.

♪ ...to find emotion ♪

I was late once, and he said "good grief" like 10 times in a row.

I never want to live through that again.

♪ Hiding somewhere in the night ♪

Oh, who cares what that little green buzzkill wants?

We're having fun!

Good grief, you're right!

[Gasps] Listen to me.

I'm swearing like a sailor!

[Laughs]

Ed: Uh, excuse me.

I don't know whether or not you folks have considered whether or not you should keep believing, but I say...

♪ Don't stop believin' ♪
♪ Hold on to that feelin' ♪
♪ Streetlights, people ♪
♪ Ahh Hey, everybody, I brought doughnuts to help you forget about last night.

Ah... everybody?

[Telephone rings in distance]

Hey, guys?

Scooter?

Bobo?

Hello?

Fozzie?

Guys?

Pepe?

Wh... What is happening?

[Scoffs] Cheese Louise, Kermit, huh?

Stop yelling. I'm hearing double.

Yolanda? Did you sleep here?

Hm.

Is it morning?

Yeah.

Then, yeah, I slept here.

[Chuckles] We had such a good time with Piggy last night.

Piggy? Our... our Piggy? Miss Piggy?

Oh, yeah. She is a blast.

Huh.

She even introduced us to Ed Helms.

Wow.

He was a fresh egg.

Yeah?

At one point, he was sitting on my lap.

[Chuckling] It was fantastic.

Wha... I couldn't breathe, but it was fantastic.

This is such a relief, but where is everybody?

Piggy said that we could come in at 2:00.

2:00?

Yeah.

No, that... that's not gonna give us enough time to get the show together.

Just... just grab some coffee a-and call everybody... and tell them to get here [Sighs] as soon as they can.

Oi! Oh, I got a pounder.

Hey, Kermit, be a hero.

Hmm?

Get me an 1/8 of an advil, will you?

[Sighs]

Zoot: Oh, man.

[All groaning]

I was happy to see you made it home safe last night.

How do you know that?

Uh, well, you're here now.

You don't have to follow somebody home to... put that together. [Clears throat]

[All murmuring, groaning]

[Book slams]

Oh!

Welcome to the morning meeting, everybody.

Or should I say the "whenever you decide to show up" meeting?

Uh, is that the official name now?

'Cause that works a lot better for us.

That's right.

Well, listen, guys, I am really disappointed in you, a-and, Scooter, you're facing the wrong way.

What? Where... oh.

Yeah, sorry. I lost my glasses.

They came off when I was doing "Maniac" from "Flashdance," and I stepped on them like 400 times.

Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no. 'Cause you know what it is?

What?

You know what it is?

Good grief. Bunsen and Beaker... why are you wearing each other's clothes?

[Meeping]

[Stammers]

If it happens outside of work, we don't owe him an explanation.

Oh.

Okay, look, guys. We're behind now, and we're really gonna have to focus.

Hey, hey, hey! Piggy Nation representing!

So that means... Oh, no!

[All cheering]

[Laughs] That's right.

Your queen has arrived.

Okay, okay, look. You guys all had your fun, but now it's time to work.

[Mockingly] "But now it's time to work."

[Laughter]

Who said that? Which one of you said that?

[Mutters]

Okay, here's the deal.

We're gonna buckle down, get through today, and I never want this to happen again.

Oh, that reminds me, tonight after the show, we are going out again because I lined up a party with Usher!

[All cheering]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No late nights and no Usher!

Uh, hello? My name is fun.

Is this where I come to be m*rder*d?

[Laughter]

All right, that's it.

She got him.

You can't keep the crew out all night, Piggy.

It's screwing up the show.

[Sighs] You're just jealous.

[Sighs]

You... you know what you need?

A group of friends to hang out with after work.

I have one, and let me tell you, it's delightful.

Okay. Okay.

Um...

[Sighs]

Y-you know, Piggy, I-I-I didn't want to have to come out and say it, but... [Groans] .. but what's really going on here is that, um, you're too special.

Exactly.

Wait. Uh, too special for what?

Uh, to... to hang out with the crew, you know?

Y-y-you're a glamorous icon, Piggy.

That may be my favorite thing you have ever said.

[Chuckles]

Try to top it.

Uh, y-y-you're an ideal that they should be reaching for.

Mm.

Uh, so... so really what's best for them is to, uh, you know, see that you're unapproachable.

Yes.

Like... like the stars in the sky.

You are meant to be admired from a distance.

[Gasps] Aww. Thank you, Kermit, for... for acknowledging just how fabulous I am.

Uh, so, um, so you're gonna go talk to the crew now?

Oh. Oh, yes, yes. But I do feel bad for them.

Hmm?

No, wait, I envy them.

Oh.

[Sighs]

What I would give to know what it's like to look up and see me from below.

Mm.

[Sighs]

You know, I try to be a stand-up frog, but when our show's on the line, I can manipulate with the best.

'Cause I learned from the best.

[Sighs]

Piggy really is the best, isn't she?

Can I have everybody's attention, please?

Hmm?

Friends, for your own good and reasons you'll never understand, we can no longer hang out.

I don't understand.

Exactly.

Unfortunately, our friendship will have to be conducted from a respectable distance.

But what about going to Usher's?

I bought a leather suit.

Well, don't worry.

I will be there having a wonderful time without you.

You're welcome.

[All murmuring]

Oh, fiddle.

Aw, gee willikers.

Sorry, guys.

Uh, I know you're all disappointed, but what can I say?

I'll never know how Piggy's brain works.

[Sighs]

[Chuckles]

[Both laugh]

What is your problem anyhow, huh?

Well, here they are alphabetically... abscesses, bunions, constipa...

All right, all right. I got your message.

And, yeah, I'm a sucker.

Mm.

I'm a sucker for trying to be nice to you.

Ugh.

You're right. I went too far.

How about after the show, Waldorf and I buy you dinner at Musso and Frank's?

Sure, that... that... that sounds nice.

All right, then, it's a date. Uh, we'll meet you there.

Okay. [Chuckles] Looking forward to it.

You got it.

[Laughs]

I thought we were going to Dan Tana's.

We are.

But first I got to stop by Musso and Frank's and drop off a sucker sign.

[Both laugh]