01x03 - Guys' Night

[bunniefuu]

(laughter, shouting, whooping)

Gerald: All right, game time. Let's do this.

Yeah! Our favorite country singer.

Uh, Willie Nelson.

Female.

Bonnie Raitt.

First name good... now, make it the matriarch of Parenthood.

Uh... Bonnie Bedelia!

Good. Now, your favorite book when you were six!

Amelia Bedelia!

Yes! (laughs)

Time! Time!

That was literally like watching verbal incest.

Oh, don't be jealous.

I assure you I am not.

Well, you know, this is sort of a blowout.

Do you guys want to switch up teams?

Vanessa, you want to roll with me?

I, uh, give as good as I take.

I mean I take as good as I give.

I love taking it.

You can team up with my mom.

Yeah.

All right.

Vanessa: Okay.

Jimmy: Let's do this.

I got it. Okay, ready?

Uh... oh, I am this old.

23...

No...

22...

Wrong way.

32.

No.

Pass. This is too hard.

Gerald: Okay, uh, the first letter of my middle name.

Pass.

My favorite place to go.

Pass!

Uh, my favorite dessert.

Pass.

The name of my blog.

Pass.

I'm allergic to this.

Pass!

Give me those. You're no good at giving clues.

All right. (clears throat)

Uh, okay, the age I was when I lost my virginity.

Uh, 16.

Nope.

18.

Wrong way.

Pass.

Can I pass?

Fine.

It was Friday the 13th.

Thirteen?!

Damn!

(chuckling): Wow.

Time.

How many did we get?

(weak laugh)

Jenga, anyone?

Sara: Jimmy, hang on.

No, I played your game, I drank your tap water, please let me leave the suburbs!

Oh, cut it out.

Look, I see how hard you've been trying lately.

You're welcome.

Not done.

Jimmy, I'm rooting for you, but you're not really getting to know Gerald.

Sure, you spend the appropriate amount of time with him, but...

It's like your hair.

It looks good but it's not real.

It is, too!

How many times do I have to let you tug it?

One more time.

No.

No...

Incredible! That's just incredible!

Okay...

You're one to talk about my relationship with Gerald.

I mean, thanks to you, he's a wig and a motel away from being Norman Bates.

One more time.

Yeah.

(gasps)

Ah! (laughs)

It's incredible.

Okay, we get one more story, and then we have to go to bed, okay?

Okay, ready?

Once there was a kingdom, ruled by a democratically elected, mixed-race, female prime minister.

And there was a princess in a castle.

And one day, the princess met the perfect guy.

He had long hair, and he had those lines on the sides of his abs, and he did MMA, but only for the money, not because he's violent.

Yeah! But then he d*ed.

Violently.

Mm-hmm.

But she met a better guy, with medium-brown hair, who loved 3D printing, and read the entire Harry Potter series in one weekend.

And he was super rich.

In untapped potential.

With a sick ride.

That was also good for the environment, 'cause it was a bicycle.

And they fell in love and lived happily ever after.

They did?

I saw an ending and I took it.

And she was kind of checked out of this one.

Come on, baby, let's go.

We need to go to bed.

We're outta here.

Ooh!

Can you believe Sara?

I mean, I've known Gerald a month, and she expects me to know what size boxers the kid wears.

Come on, man.

You know that kid wears briefs.

He so does, doesn't he?

She thinks I have issues with Gerald.

She's the one with issues.

I mean, with her movie nights and her game nights and her weird "best friend mom" shtick.

Nights.

Maybe you both have issues.

I pay you to chop, Victor.

Just chop.

Sara's right.

You do have a hard time getting real with people.

I do not!

Okay.

I am unfulfilled professionally, and I think it's making me depressed.

Who got that pepper mill?

I hate this pepper mill. Get a new pepper mill.

You heard the man! Get a new pepper mill!

No... that's what Jimmy does.

Every time somebody tries to get real with you, you change the subject, usually by asking for a new pepper mill.

(grumbling): Nah.

(grumbling): Nah.

Calling off the pepper mill as a distraction technique.

Are you really unhappy here?

I have been working for you for ten years, and I have no more responsibility than when I started.

I have ideas!

Well, you know, I'm sorry. I-I didn't know.

I want to do better. Go ahead, hit me.

What do you got?

For starters, our bar scene needs an update.

By which I mean Willy.

What's wrong with Willy?

Bonjour, Monsieur Lemon!

Wow, this one's a fighter!

Ooh! Wow!

Annelise: Look at him!

I swear to God, the other day, I heard him say, "ha-cha-cha."

Hey, Willy, doing any cocktail specials tonight?

We got some really great blackberries in.

Blackberries?!

Am I making a drink or a pie?

(laughing): A pie! Good one, Willy!

Hey, you want some seltzer, Jimbo?

Sure!

Get it yourself.

Oop! Yeah!

This guy.

Yeah.

Our bar's falling behind, Jimmy.

Let me hire a mixologist... someone who wears suspenders ironically.

All right, fine.

You want to hire a mixologist, go ahead.

To work alongside Willy.

Now, you want some tips on hiring?

Don't worry, I got this.

Fine. Hire away. You feel better?

Yeah, actually, I do.

As the first woman in my family to graduate college, it's...

You see? I listen! I'm not afraid of intimacy!

I'm going to get to know my son the same way his mother does.

Willy: Ooh! Wow! Ooh!

This one's a tough one. Geez!

(Willy chuckles)

Um, Mom... so, today, Vanessa told me she's into my eyes.

Score.

I know.

So, I was gonna be, like, "Really? 'Cause I'm into you."

Then Edie needed to be changed, and by the time I was done with her diaper, Vanessa was texting some guy named Jorge.

Hey, uh, what do you think the emojis cucumber, cucumber, yogurt cup mean?

Nothing good.

Great for Jorge, though.

Mm.

So, uh... what movie we watching?

A little Parisian gem called...

Are we getting our Amelie on?

You know it.

(music begins on video)

Hey...

This is normal, right?

Of course.

I mean, I don't like when our feet touch, but...

Ew.

Jimmy: Knock, knock!

Oh... what kind of a Grey Gardens nightmare did I just walk into?

What are you doing here?

You and I are gonna hang out tonight.

We're gonna bond the crap out of each other.

You are?

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna find out what makes Gerald E. Kingsley tick.

You know my middle initial.

I don't know what it stands for, but leave something for later.

I w... I would love to hang.

Uh, um... we were, we were gonna watch a movie.

Sara: Oh!

No!

You guys should go.

I can't even remember the last time I had a free night to myself, to just relax.

I can't wait to... read that... book.

Ok. I'm ready.

You sure you don't want to change?

No. I'm good.

Shotgun!

There's no book is there?

There could be a book.

Ha!

Hey... who's the guy with the sick hat?

He is keeping it tight under that vest.

He's the new mixologist I hired.

Big mistake. Don't rock the boat. Trust me, sister.

Not your sister. Not our dynamic.

Let me take you back to 2008.

A young Indian dreamer decides to invent a fun summer soup.

But... turns out Jimmy wasn't ready for the cream of pork.

Cream of pork?

In the summer?

It was chilled. Why does...? The...

That mixologist, he's your cream of pork.

He might be delicious, but don't mess with what's working.

Don't equate my smart hiring decision to your nightmare soup.

I got this.

How about a drink?

Oh, I... I rarely drink.

Liquid calories and all.

Kind of a husky kid.

Me, too.

Really?

Uh-huh.

(cork pops)

You know what?

Let's do it, right? You know?

It's, uh, male bonding night.

I will have a virgin colada.

How about a 16-year-old bourbon?

Nine years younger than you.

You know how old I am.

Uh-huh.

♪ ...with a mad man's fear ♪
♪ ♪

That's good.

Yeah?

It's good.

Yeah.

♪ Show 'em how the other half lives ♪
♪ That man is too slow ♪

(slurping)

And it's expensive, too.

♪ Never too strong... ♪

Listen, I'd like us to be able to just talk about anything tonight.

Just anything we want. Go ahead.

All right. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay, okay.

I have this reoccurring dream, right?

Mm-hmm.

Where, um, I'm sick, and-and someone's taking care of me.

But I've never been able to see their face.

Hmm!

But last night, last night, I did.

It was you.

Cool, right?

You know? You were my caretaker.

Well, I love that.

Yeah!

Now you share something.

Uh...

Okay, oh, I got one.

I have a reoccurring dream, that I'm dating Kate Middleton.

And? That's it.

We're just really happy together.

♪ Ooh, shotgun... ♪

Can I ask... one more question?

Yeah. sh**t.

Well, you know, when we first met, you said that you'd only ever been in love once.

And, uh... that you called each other "Sushi" and "Ponyboy," and, um... you thought you'd get married.

It was Mom, wasn't it?

Can I get your opinion on a pepper mill at the restaurant?

What?

I took a picture of it.

It's, uh...

What about you and Mom?

We'll get to that. We'll get to that.

We'll get to everything.

But the night's young, so let's... let's have some fun.

Let's mix it up. Let's chop it up.

Okay.

All right!

Let the chopping begin!

Oh...

Jimmy: Yeah!

♪ All I want to do is drink beers for breakfast ♪
♪ All I want to eat is them barbecue chips ♪
♪ You can try but you'd never want to try to defend us ♪

Sara: Ross?!

Blech!

♪ Yeah, where I'm from ♪
♪ Mama, baby boy's a bum... ♪

Yes, hello, I'd like to switch to paperless billing.

Oh, I-I already have that. Great.

♪ All I want to pick is your nose, honey, hi ♪
♪ Sweet little corner, you know you gotta be... aha! ♪
♪ I'm dreaming of a white Christmas... ♪

So where are you?

In India.

Oh.

♪ Honey, where I'm from... ♪

What time is it over there?

♪ Where I'm from, baby boy's a bum... ♪

Yeah!

Okay, which Friend am I now?

Oh, come on, I'm Monica!

♪ Hey, Mr. Ice Cube ♪
♪ You're the coolest cat in town. ♪

Willy, I want to introduce you to your new partner Holden.

New partner? Holden?

What is this... a square dance?

I don't need a partner.

Sorry, Willy, but the decision has been made.

Wait, you hired Salvador Dalí here without asking me?

Give us a minute.

I don't have to ask you.

I'm your boss.

Not anymore, honey.

I quit.

Willy...

I don't need it.

Jimmy's not gonna like this.

You know, I gave Jimmy his first job.

You did?

Yeah, mm-hmm.

I hired him as a bar-back in '84 at Dan Tana's.

The kid dropped everything.

One day, he broke an entire thousand-dollar bottle of Merlot.

Now, they were gonna fire him.

But I figured he was too pretty and too delicate to hack it on the outside.

So I took the fall.

And that's when Jimmy vowed to me that when he got his own restaurant, he'd take care of me.

And we've been together ever since.

I guess you ruined everything.

Ha-cha-cha.

You still got this?

I do.

This will not be my chilled pork soup.

Well, you should taste it first.

East Hollywood Minimart, right?

Mm-hmm.

Best soft-serve in L.A.

Let's see.

Mmm, yummy!

Right?

Yeah.

Tonight was the best, man.

I mean, we didn't really talk about anything, but who cares, right?

All right.

"Ponyboy and Sushi"... you got one question.

sh**t.

Yes! Okay, um, (stammers) Did she know how you felt?

No, no! Wait, wait! Why didn't you tell her?

(stammers) Do you still love her?

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right, when I met your mom, she was this, uh, she was this hot rocker chick.

All right, she was the only girl cook in this restaurant we worked at and... oh, God...

I chased her for months before she gave me the time of day.

Then we started dating, and, uh... you know, I was this young hot sh*t.

I always had one foot out the door.

But, I mean, y-you said she's the only girl you've ever loved.

Yes, yes, but I thought the timing was all wrong.

I thought that I had forever.

But, see, that's the thing about timing.

Delay, delay, delay, then suddenly... it's too late.

Ancient history.

"Suddenly it's too late."

Wow, it's so...

No, don't-don't start. Don't start that.

I'm a sympathy vomiter.

(both retching)

Okay, see, now it's...

I'm gonna get us some water.

Hold on, stay right there.

They didn't have water, so I got this foreign soda called So Funky.

Gerald?

Gerald!

Gerald?

Gerald!

I'll be your Gerald.

No thank you.

Gerald?

Jimmy, what the hell?

Do you know what time it is?!

Yeah, it's 9:45.

Correct.

I was just getting ready to go out.

This is the robe I wear when I'm getting ready to...

We don't have time for your weird little lie!

I lost our son!

He drank $300-worth of small-batch bourbon and just disappeared.

Oh, relax, you and I never had a night out when we weren't drunk.

You didn't see the kid. He peed in my ficus.

He's not answering.

Okay, fine.

I'll go get the dress I was gonna put on right before you...

Nobody cares what time you went to bed.

This gift basket is full of hay!

That it on the Jordan almonds?

You can have all the Jordan almonds you want if you come back.

It's never been about the almonds for me.

You expect me to work alongside this teenage bobo.

That's very disrespectful.

You're right. Ravi, give him some money.

No, why don't you give me some money?

You're always eating my Indian sweets.

No, I'm not. Yes, I can smell the gulab jamun on your breath right now.

Willy, please come back, please.

You know what? This gets a big old "I don't need it."

Hey, guys, I made some snacks.

Luckily, I always keep mini-quiches on hand in case anyone drops by to visit me or dad.

I throw away a lot of mini-quiches.

Mmm.

You made this?

Oh, yeah. It's incredible.

It's something I like to call a Tahitian julep.

Instead of mint, I use passion fruit.

You're a bartender, too?

Oh, not really.

I can't travel 'cause of Dad, so I like to make things that taste like the places I'll never see.

(chuckles)

Willy?

How would you like to work with someone talented, free-spirited and beautiful?

You know Rachel Ray?

Sara: What were you guys doing over here?

Eating ice cream.

Ooh! East Hollywood Minimart?

It's so depressing that that's a destination for you two.

Hey, maybe we should just give up.

He's probably dead.

I had a good run with him.

Sucks for you, though, because you barely got to know him.

Stop mocking me.

This is all your fault.

When you raise a sweet man-boy with a romantic female soul.

See, this is another example of how much you don't know your son.

He's been taking care of himself for a long time.

There was one summer where he spent every day in a sporting goods store because I couldn't afford camp.

What section did he hang out in?

'Cause he certainly can't play catch.

♪ I'm sorry but I just... ♪

Ooh.

Oh, no! What are you doing? I like that song!

I never want to hear that song again.

Remember we were driving to Joshua Tree and that was the only single we could listen to, because you forgot my cassette tapes.

You think I forgot them?

I just didn't want to listen to U2 all weekend.

Well, we were going to Joshua Tree and-and the album was called Joshua Tree...

Yeah, I get it!

♪ I'm gonna always be there... ♪

(cell phone ringing)

It's Gerald. Hey, where are you?

And why haven't you answered my calls tonight?

I just want to thank you for what I'm about to do.

You have inspired me, my friend.

I am not gonna delay anymore.

What are you talking about? Where are you?

Don't you worry your pretty little head about that.

Woman (over intercom): Next stop, Echo Park Avenue.

Echo Park? Oh, no!

Jimmy: Whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?

He's going to Vanessa's. He's gonna tell her he's in love with her.

In the middle of the night?

What is this... a cheesy Rom-com?

Aw, you're right.

I raised him on girly movies and feelings!

I gave him a female soul!

What do you think he's doing? Standing outside her window with a, with a boombox over his head?

Quite possibly.

We watched that last week.

Of course you did.

That's it... next movie night I'm showing him Road House.

Sara: There he is.

What is that... a drone?

Oh, we got to stop him.

What are you thinking disappearing like that?

I was worried sick about you.

You were?

Well, not "sick," it was casual.

It was a cool amount of worry.

I have to tell Vanessa I'm in love with her.

Via drone?

It's the only way.

I can think of so many other ways.

This is for you, Vanessa!

♪ ♪

He made this?

It's incredible.

If Vanessa doesn't want to be with him, I'm gonna date him myself.

Sara: Oh, I knew our movie nights were good for him.

You shook my confidence, but deep down, I knew.

Gerald: Vanessa, do you see this?

Hola, Geraldo.

Buenas noches, Abuela!

Vanessa is not here.

She's not?

Do you want some arroz con pollo?

No gracias.

I'm gonna bring you some.

(music stops playing)

She missed it.

Well, you should still feel proud.

(car engine humming)

She's here! Game time!

Hey, guys, what's going on?

This is what's going on!

Damn, wrong button!

Do something!

(mumbles)

(all gasp)

That was a, uh, a-a cool video, Gerald.

Thanks for showing me that.

(shushes)

Okay, we'll see ya.

Stop this charade, Vanessa!

Good night, Vanessa.

Sara: See ya!

(Gerald laughs)

I'm never drinking again.

Hey, um, my journal's on my nightstand.

Will you write down all the good stuff that happened tonight?

No, but I will read it and make fun of you.

Well, you can't 'cause it's locked.

Joke's on you.

It really feels like it's on you, pal.

Sorry tonight was such a disaster.

Oh, it wasn't such a disaster.

I mean, if I was the type of person to talk about my feelings, I'd tell you that I'm sorry that I haven't been better about connecting with you.

Thanks, Dad.

Is that the first time you called me Dad?

Yeah, I think it was.

Get out. I'm gonna blow.

No, I'm good.

But I thought you hated vomit.

It's okay, go ahead. (retching)

Ooh!

That's all right.

I'm fine now.

Did you hire a mixologist who Willy could work with?

Come on, of course I did.

Hey, Jimmy, how come you never told us Willy got you your first job?

It's nice that that's why you keep him around.

That's not why I keep him around.

I keep him around because I feel bad that I had sex with his daughter.

20 years ago.

You did? Mm-hmm.

Did it end well? Like, so well you'd be excited to see her around every day?

No, she's crazy.

Crazy awesome?

Aida: Hey, Jimmy.

So great seeing you.

I'm gonna go help my dad cut some lemons.

The one that got away Jimbo!

Dad!