01x06 - Swingers

[bunniefuu]

[TV blaring]

[dog barks]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, little man.

Try and keep it in the bowl, okay?

I can do it.

How many pancakes do you want, Lindsay?

Lindsay.

Take those stupid things off.

Why is Bandit on the countertop?

Damn dog.

Can you turn that down, Nana?

Nana. Lindsay, check and see if Nana's still breathing.

Can I have juice?

I don't know who you are.

Does anyone know who this is?

That's Kevin.

How did he get here?

I don't know.

Ooh! Mike, what are you doing?

What did I tell you? Don't touch the stove.

You're going to get burnt.

[giggling]

Sit down.

All right. Where are your shoes?

You guys cannot be late this morning.

Kyle's mom is driving you to camp.

Camp sucks.

Easy with the attitude.

Mom will pick you up this afternoon.

What's for lunch?

Uh...

Okay, good news, everyone.

It's Pop Tart Tuesday.

Everybody gets Pop Tarts for lunch today.

Yay!

I hate Pop Tarts.

You're getting Pop Tarts.

Kevin: Can I have juice?

Here. Here's Pop Tarts.

Okay, that's it. We got everything?

It's breakfast, it's lunch. We're good.

Have a great day.

Sorry about the mess, Nana. I love you.

♪ Grab your coat, honey, grab your hat ♪
♪ This train is leavin', and it ain't comin' back ♪
♪ Don't need a ticket, can't you understand? ♪
♪ You're on your way to the Promised Land ♪
♪ Take me ♪
♪ Take me back to paradise ♪
♪ Paradise ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Take me back to paradise ♪
♪ Paradise ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Won't you take me back to paradise? ♪

What are you doing?

[sigh]

I was having the most wonderful dream.

I was hiking in the Black Forest with Andrea Jaeger when we happened upon a wood nymph.

I meant on the floor.

My wife kicked me out.

Oh, wow. Uh, I'm sorry.

You needn't be. Mm.

She does this periodically.

In fact, I look forward to the time alone.

Got everything I need here: TV, salty snacks, unlimited towels.

I'm laughing.

Well, let me know if there's anything I can do.

That's very sweet of you, David.

Actually, since you asked...

Here. No fabric softener, please.

It gives me hives.

Good morning.

♪ David ♪

Oh, she hates me.

Who?

Our daughter.

Eh. It's a phase.

You always say that.

Because I love you and I'm trying to spare your feelings.

Thank you.

If it's any consolation, she's not a big fan of mine, either.

I know. It's not really... she never was.

True.

She and I used to be close.

Closer.

Maybe we've given her too much.

We've made it too easy.

Oh, please. She's always been her own person.

She is who she is.

Don't you remember Day 1 in the hospital?

Already they're calling her a diva.

Of course I remember.

She woke up all the other babies.

And she wasn't happy until she had a room of her own.

[sigh]

God.

It all goes so fast.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe we should have a talk with her.

Yeah. Maybe we should.

I got to get to my massage.

I think I'm going to take a steam.

Goodbye, darling. Have a nice day.

You, too.

[sigh]

Hey, great job today.

Your footwork has really improved.

But my legs still feel like Jell-o.

Yeah, well, they won't by the end of the summer.

Did you hear that, sweetheart?

Hear what, babe?

David says if I keep up with the tennis, I can have sexy legs like his.

Well, actually, I didn't use the, you know, the word sexy.

Don't be modest. You have very sexy legs.

Doesn't he, sweetheart?

Such strong thighs.

Calves aren't huge, but they've got good definition.

And a cute little tuchus.

You squat?

Only to pick things up.

Ha ha ha ha! Good one. I'm stealing that.

I'm stealing him.

So, babe, you get a chance to ask him?

Not yet.

So, Dave... here's the thing.

You seem like a smart kid.

Good head on your shoulders, hardworking, but not a stuffed shirt.

Am I right?

You keep an open mind?

You like to have fun?

You up for anything?

I... I guess.

Good. We thought so, which is why Jean and I wanted to talk to you about joining us in what you might call a little social experiment.

Oh, sugar.

What's wrong?

We're late for lunch with the Katzes.

That's today?

We were supposed to meet them ten minutes ago.

sh*t. You going to be around after lunch?

I think so.

Great.

We'll talk more then.

I've got a good little tuchus.

You really...

Hey, do you know the Blums?

Dale and Jean? Yes, of course.

He's my dentist.

It's really weird. After a lesson today, she grabbed my ass right in front of him.

Oh, my.

He didn't seem to mind.

He actually seemed cool with it.

Mm-hmm.

Sounds crazy, but I got the feeling they were hitting on me, like as a couple.

They were.

They're swingers.

Seriously?

Ask anyone.

Oh, God.

What's wrong?

That must be what they want to talk to me about.

I think they want me to swing.

Ha ha ha ha!

Why you?

She likes my legs.

Those are not legs.

Those are broom handles wrapped in chicken skins dropped on the floor of a barber shop.

Now, these... these are legs: strong like a stallion's, iron wrought, every sliver of muscle intended by Allah Himself, every quiver, every motion deliberate.

What do I do, Nash?

There's only one thing to be done, boychik: close your eyes and pucker up.

Ah, no way.

That's swinging, baby.

Herb.

Mr. President.

Uhh.

Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, my neck is all stiff.

Oh. You ever get that?

I haven't turned to the left since 1978.

[chuckles]

You sleeping?

Oh. What, are you kidding?

With all the sh*t on my mind?

Huh.

Even if I manage to fall asleep, doesn't help because I'm up twice a night to pee anyway.

Twice a night?

Yeah.

How about nine times a night?

Every 45 minutes.

And two of the nine? Mostly blood.

How are your balls?

Good.

Just wait till you turn 70 and they start to droop like the ears on a beagle.

You eating?

Nah. Not really.

Yeah?

How about you?

Pudding and soup.

I haven't had a satisfying crap since Thanksgiving three years ago.

And my knees fill up with fluid if I even think about salt.

And yesterday I don't know what I did, but I f*cked up something in my foot.

All right. You win.

You win, Herb.

You win.

Hey, handsome.

Hey, there, champ.

So, um, about that thing we were discussing...

I can't.

Can't what?

Join you that way.

No offense.

D... did you think we wanted...

With you?

We wouldn't dream.

We're not cradle robbers.

I'm confused.

David, sweetie, Dale and I aren't interested in having sex with you.

You're not?

We want to have sex with each other.

While you film it.

This is legendary. How did this happen?

Apparently they liked the video I sh*t of the Kornblatt wedding.

Please tell me you said yes.

I said I'd have to let them know.

Are you nuts? This is a dream come true.

Not my dream.

Every dude's dream: getting paid to watch nude people screw

3 feet from you.

How are you not weeping with joy right now?

I don't know. It just feels weird.

That's just your bourgeois Puritanical upbringing talking, man.

You really think I should do this?

Absolutely.

Under one condition.

What's that?

Take me with you.

No way.

Dude, Mrs. Blum has been my dental hygienist since I was, like, 12. All right?

I've always fantasized about what her boobs might look like, and this is an opportunity.

Like, when... when else would I get the opportunity?

Yeah. Okay. Let's do it.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Hey.

Hey.

I just want to let you know I don't need a ride home.

My last two lessons canceled, so I figured I'd leave a little early.

Oh. Lucky.

So what are your plans tonight?

Are we doing something or...

Well, actually, I hope it's cool, but I made plans with Wheeler.

I figured you'd be too tired to hang out.

Okay.

Uh, why? Did you want to? [Stammer]

No. I... I... Uh, God, yes.

I do. I'm just... I'm tired, so I'm probably just going to go home and study.

That's cool.

[chuckle]

I'll, uh, I'll call you later?

You know what? I will, uh... I'll probably just see you tomorrow.

So okay.

Bye.

Bye.

[chatter]

Judy: Oh! Oh, hi!

Everybody look. It's my David!

Hi, David.

What's going on?

Study group.

Nice meeting you all.

No, no, no, sweetie.

Stay and celebrate with us.

I can't. I have a thing.

I only stopped by to grab my stuff. Bye.

Look at him. My baby. He's so grown up.

Dad, what are you doing in here?

Hiding.

I don't know where your mother finds these people.

Honest to God, they're like extras from a Fellini movie.

Hey, what do you say we sneak out of here, hit the Sizzler?

I can't. I've got another video gig.

Wedding?

Private event.

Oh. All right, yeah.

Take me with you.

Huh?

I'm kidding. I'm only kidding.

I'm kidding. I'm not kidding.

Get me out of here, David.

I got to leave this house.

Please, take me with you.

Sorry, Dad. I got to run.

Oh. Is it all right if I hang around in here until they leave?

Yeah. Sure.

Oh, David.

It's nice you have a hobby.

I can't wait to see the video.

Yeah. Me, too.

Let's go.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Oh, God, oh, man.

I cannot believe this is happening.

Wheeler, chill.

How can I chill?

I'm about to see Mrs. Blum naked.

I've been fantasizing about this for years.

[ding dong]

Hi, there, beautiful.

Hi.

Entrez.

Oh.

Hi, boys.

Hey. This is my friend I mentioned that'll be helping me out.

Dr. Blum.

Mrs. Blum.

Hey, buddy.

Still flossing?

Religiously.

This is Mittens.

I want to shake your hand. I'm Mittens.

I'll, uh, I'll just wave. I'm actually allergic.

Okay.

[chuckle]

Well, don't just stand there. Come in. Get a beer.

Are you hungry? I made a lasagna.

Your place is nice.

I really like it.

Thanks. Yeah, it's a good space.

Decent light.

Good energy.

Oh.

I'm going to start with a wide angle lens, if that's okay with you.

That's fine as long as it doesn't make me look fat.

Not a lens in the world that could do that.

Okay. [Chuckle]

All right.

David: What are you doing?

So, Spielberg, we know you're the director, but we had a few ideas we wanted to discuss, if that's okay.

Sure.

So we rehearsed a little scenario we thought would be fun just to kick things off: some, uh, light kissing, a little petting.

Maybe some oral.

Mutual masturbation.

Before getting to the main event.

Sounds good.

Jean: Okay.

You ready?

Yeah.

Is, uh, is something wrong?

They're waiting for you to say "action." Oh. Yeah. Sorry.

And, uh, action.

What the f*ck?

Knock knock knock.

Oh, hello.

Thanks for squeezing me in in such short notice.

Of course. Why don't you just lay, uh, face down here on this massage table?

And let's get started.

Oh, you're so tense.

Well, I haven't been sleeping well since my wife left me for a periodontist.

Oh, you must be so lonely.

And horny.

Ah-choo!

Dale: How's the angle?

So something like this.

You know, you just want to always pop that hip.

That always works.

Or you could, you know, just...

I'll keep sh**ting if you want to walk upstairs, something like that.

Just want to pop that hip.

It always look so good.

Oh. [Chuckle]

Butterflies?

Yeah. A few, actually.

Hang on.

Oh. Thank you.

It should help.

Ready?

Uh, ready.

This cassingle is so boss.

♪ ♪ [rock]

Let's do this.

♪ You put some magic in me ♪

Action.

♪ I feel the magic in me ♪

Ooh.

♪ Do what we do ♪

Okay. I'm coming in.

Okay.

[meow]

Okay. Keep going.

Ah-choo!

You all right?

Hello.

You getting this?

It's pretty great, guys. Keep going.

Hi, Mittens.

[meow]

Yeah, you feeling loose now?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Punish me.

Ohh.

Action. Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Whoo.

[sneezing]

Dude?

Sound is good.

Ah-choo!

Oh.

[yowl, hiss]

f*ck off, Mittens.

Honey.

I'm just gonna move to here so that I can, uh...

And action.

Dale? Oh, great. Oh.

That... It happens. Just...

Ow!

[laughing]

David: Okay.

[car door closes]

Jean, laughing: Oh, God!

Uhh.

Oh, yeah.

Jean: Oh, honey, grab me.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Come here.

Hurry up.

Right there. Yeah.

sh*t.

Are you getting this, guys?

Whoo!

♪ You keep me all together ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ You tell me I could never... ♪

Now pout your lips.

What, like this? Like...

Beautiful. My lens is fogging up.

Unbelievable.

Loosen up a little bit.

♪ You're my kind of lover ♪

There you go.

All right, now give me the sexy.

Is anybody home?

Guys!

Dr. Blum! Mrs. Blum!

Is anyone home?

Shh! Guys!

Jean: Yes! Yes!

This is the police.

Yes!

Dale: Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Jean: Uh...

Uh, is there a problem, officer?

I got a noise complaint from one of the neighbors.

Dale: Really?

Yeah.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to place you both under arrest.

Oh, sh*t.

On what charge, Officer?

Starting without me.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Get your camera, boys!

Oh, yeah.

I've been very naughty lately.

Yeah.

I mean, you should probably take me to the station but we can work out some kind of a deal.

Handcuffs.

[shutter clicks]

You can take that off.

Hey-hey, don't be shy.

I'm not.

You're in the safest place in the world: my dojo.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe I'm going to do this.

That was crazy.

Yeah. I don't think I can ever have sex.

Again.

That's what I meant.

Okay, well, good night.

Sayonara.

I can't.

Baby, come to bed.

I will. I will in a bit.

I just... That's...

I have some work I want to do.

Sweetheart, she's 20 years old.

You don't have to wait up for her anymore.

Yeah. I will.

All right.

That was some crazy sh*t tonight.

His back hair was like the rug in our den.

What was with that cat?

Wouldn't leave me alone.

I think it was in love with you.

I feel so violated.

You should be. Have you seen your eyes?

Can't see sh*t.

[both laughing]

How are things going with, uh, Misty?

Really good, you know?

We, uh, we hung out last weekend.

It felt like we really connected.

Without actually connecting.

What's up with you and Getty's daughter?

I, uh, nothing.

We're just friends.

Not even. I mean, I'm with Karen, so, you know, it's whatever.

You were like a real director tonight.

Thanks.

It was a little weird.

I... I got to go.

I should get going, too.

Go ahead.

Legendary.

Legendary.

♪ Thinking of your private future ♪
♪ You snatched at the trees ♪
♪ And the starry dark green sleep ♪
♪ Thinking of your private future ♪
♪ You think at the river and set it flowing ♪
♪ A late fog's lifting, a fast wind's rising ♪
♪ So you turn to reflect on a brief night's session slip ♪
♪ Thinking of your private future ♪
♪ Cut by the scars of timeless coming back ♪
♪ You realize the unreachable was nothing ♪
♪ Cool winds wash down your hope ♪
♪ And you slipped ♪
♪ Cool winds wash down your hope ♪
♪ And you slipped ♪
♪ Start looking back in anger ♪
♪ 'cause you can't change the rules ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Ahh ♪