04x05 - Stay at Home MILF

[bunniefuu]

They say being a stay-at-home mom is the noblest and hardest profession a woman could have, but they're all lying.

It's the greatest scam on earth.

I never have to put on pants... [yawns]

My boobs magically make baby food, and I get to spend all day with my best buddy Leo.

Hey, Leo. Can you pass the chips, please?

Oh.

Hey, babe.

What the hell happened here?

Where's... where's dinner?

I was in surgery for six hours.

You didn't make any dinner?

How could I have done that? We just woke up.

What'd you do all day?

I think I taught Leo how to use a cell phone, and we made this. Ta-da!

Baby's first enemies list.

There's Princess Charlotte, Silas Timberlake, that noisy garbage truck that wakes him up every morning.

Did you think about, maybe, tidying up the apartment a little bit?

Oh, that reminds me.

The housekeeper didn't show up today.

I hope Sylvia's okay.

Plus, I have a garbage bag full of old Spanx for her.

Oh, I let Sylvia go.

I thought cleaning would be your job now.

Danny, I can't clean!

I was born in this country and I'm too lazy.

Min... [sighs]

Look, if we're gonna be a single-income family, we can't afford to eat takeout every night and have a housekeeper wait on us hand and foot.

Ma did it with no help, and she had to work cleaning hotel rooms.

That's a good point. I can do this.

That's the spirit.

You're gonna be a great stay-at-home mom, I know it.

Stay-at-home mom.

Can you remind me what that job entails?

Cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying the bills, waxing the floors, keeping the piano in tune, stocking the pantry, raising our son, and maintaining a positive attitude that sets the tone for the rest of the household.

[gasps] Oh... huh.

[hip-hop music]

Wow, you're up early.

Is Miss Piggy co-hosting "The Today Show?"

No, she karate-chopped Savannah Guthrie and got banned from set.

Danny, getting up early is an essential part of being a stay-at-home MILF.

MILF.

A Mom I'd Like To French?

I like that.

This is my new job.

So, I just need to take the focus that I had in my old job as a doctor, and simply apply it to this.

For instance, my fiance's morning cup of coffee.

Wow.

And I found this really cool mommy blog to help me: "Modern Mominista, living a fabulous life one dirty diaper at a time."

You can tell it's a really classy site because the banner ads are for anti-depressants.

We... got a little something in there.

Oh, no, you leave that in there.

That's the coffee.

You leave it in here?

Do you not like it?

I love it.

[hip-hop music]

[beeps]

Good morning, Shulman & Associates, and welcome to your new intercom.

I noticed that our morning meetings were becoming interminable, because I couldn't seem to get through a single sentence without interruptions.

Dr. Reed, I need the day off.

Dr. Reed, this chair hurts my butt cheeks.

However, with this new office-wide intercom, I never need to be worried about being interrupted ever agai...

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

I have a query, and I warn you, it pertains to matters of the heart.

Oh, you have a crush on me.

You're too old, I'm sorry!

Ah, don't tempt me, Beverly.

I have a hot air balloon ride with your name on it.

In that case, pick me up at six.

I live in the alley.

No.

This is about my sweet darlin' little baby sister, Colette.

I need to find her a man.

A man?

For what? To spot her at the gym?

I could do that.

No, a male suitor.

Our grandfather's wedding is coming up, and I don't want her to be the only woman there without a dance partner, especially since she is so graceful.

[banging]

Damn it, open up you d*ck!

So, if y'all think of anyone who might fit the bill, I'd be greatly obliged.

Oh, and for your information, Jewish is fine.

Hmm.

Colette's gay, right?

'Cause if not, I'm taking back the walking stick I got her for her birthday.

No, definitely, I know gay when I see it, okay?

I was in prison with Carson Kressley, who's a great guy, and totally changed my sense of fashion.

Look at that.

Okay, guys.

Let's stop gossiping about this.

If Colette wants to come out, let's let her do it in her own way.

Richie came out during his tumbling routine at the high school talent show.

Brought down the house.

And that is our new 40-digit Wi-Fi password.

For security reasons, I will never repeat it again.

Come on, man!

Dang, man!

Leo, you better hold on to your pacifier, because your mom is about to transform into a Modern Mominista.

Step Number One: Take pride in your appearance.

Dress every day like you're on a date with your special little guy.

Dress nice?

Bitch, you don't even need to ask.

Two: Take advantage of the baby's nap to clean the house.

But don't use the vacuum. That'll wake him up.

Hand clean the floor with all-organic products.

Hand clean?

I've never gotten on my knees and not gotten jewelry out of it.

[sprightly music]

♪ ♪

Step number one: Take pride in your appearance.

Dress every day like you're on a date with your special little guy.

Okay, back on track.

What's next?

By now, you should be back from your five-mile run, and your duck should be ready to come out of the oven.

What duck? What run?

Oh, screw you.

[crash]

[sighs]

[phone vibrates]

[sighs]

Ho! Ow!

Hey, Morgan, I need to talk to you.

Uh, you know I'm gay, right?

Yeah, I had a pretty good idea.

I mean, your Pinterest is all pictures of steaks you wanna cook.

I made it my homepage.

My brother doesn't know that I'm gay, and I'm not gonna tell him because the dude is old-fashioned.

I'm talking, he's got a b*llet in his shoulder from a duel.

So you never tried to tell him?

It's easier this way.

Just pretend like it doesn't exist.

But the problem now is that he's trying to find me a wedding date.

So... I wanted to see if you would play my boyfriend.

Just till this blows over, and then that's it.

Are you asking me out?

Yes, but as pretend, so don't get...

[yells]

This is my first ask-out.

Really?

Congratulations, because you got yourself a boyfriend!

All right, yes!

No!

After a long day of being a Modern Mominista, there's no better reward than your hubby's appreciation.

Welcome, my beautiful breadwinner.

Hey. Wow.

Place looks great.

Doesn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Let me, my prince.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Baby's asleep, the house has been spotlessly cleaned with useless organic products, and for dinner, the American classic: Grilled cheese and tomato soup.

Wow, that sounds great, babe.

Bon appetite.

Thank you.

["Worth It" by Fifth Harmony]

♪ Give it to me, I'm worth it ♪
♪ Baby I'm worth it ♪

Whoa, babe!

♪ Uh-huh I'm worth it ♪

That's great. Thank you.

♪ Gimme gimme I'm worth it ♪

See you later. [door closes]

♪ Give it to me I'm worth it ♪
♪ Baby I'm worth it ♪
♪ Uh-huh I'm worth it ♪
♪ Gimme gimme I'm worth it ♪
♪ Uh-huh, see me in the spotlight ♪
♪ Ooh, I love your style ♪
♪ Uh-huh, show me what you got ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't wanna waste my time ♪
♪ Uh-huh see me in the spotlight ♪
♪ Ooh I love your style ♪
♪ Uh-huh show me what you got now ♪
♪ Come and make it worth my while ♪
♪ Give it to me, I'm worth it ♪

[gasps]

[cries]

♪ Baby I'm worth it ♪

Oh, you, come here.

♪ Uh-huh I'm worth it ♪

[laughs]

Ow... oh.

♪ Gimme gimme I'm worth it ♪

Oh. Mm.

♪ Give it to me I'm worth it ♪

Hey, babe.

Hey, sweetie.

Dinner's ready, and I made us something very special for TGIF: Queso panini and my take on hot gazpacho.

Grilled cheese and tomato soup.

I mean, I guess you could call it that.

Oh, thanks, but you know what?

I, uh, I picked up something on the way home, so I'm all good.

Is there something wrong with my home-cooked meal?

No, absolutely not. No, it's just that you mastered grilled cheese.

Maybe it's time to, you know, try cooking something else?

Sure, yeah, I'll just take cooking classes at the Manhattan Institute for Women with Infinite Time!

Okay, just... just forget I said that.

Uh, why don't you cool off, and while you do that, I'll hit the gym.

You know what?

Why don't you stay here and look after Leo, and I go out for a while?

I haven't been outside since I took our trash to the river.

I just... I was hoping to take a break, I mean...

I worked all day.

Yeah, I also worked all day, and I would also love a break.

But your job's fun.

I'm jealous, you get to hang out all day with the coolest little guy around.

Hang out all day?

Yeah.

You think this is a vacation?

You think I'm laying on the beach tits-deep in a margarita?

If you think this is so easy, Danny, then why don't you try it?

You would die.

I don't think so.

I think I'd be pretty good at it.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Well then, you got a deal, bud.

On Monday, I'm gonna go to work, and you can stay at home.

Great, sounds like a lot of fun.

You can call me "Stay-at-home Dan."

I will, because it sounds pretty stupid.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the gym while you take care of our son.

Good.

Damn it, now I have to go to the gym.

Okay, stay-at-home daddy, I am off to work.

So, where's my break... fast.

French toast, Mon amour?

Damn it, this is restaurant-quality.

You know, it helps if the brioche is fresh, so I stopped at the bakery on the way back from my run.

You already went on a run?

Yeah, you were half-asleep.

You mumbled something about Taylor Swift, and then you rolled over and farted.

Your poached eggs should be ready in three, two, one...

[timer dings]

There we go.

Congratulations, everyone. Your prayers have been answered, because Mindy Lahiri... ow!

What the hell, dude?

I am so sorry. It just... it's... it's lunchtime pigskin. Lunchtime pigskin.

Gosh!

Sorry.

Morgan and I were just practicing for our family's weekend touch football game.

Ho!

Huh?

Why would you be invited to that?

No, you're not hunting him for sport, are you?

No, we don't do that anymore.

Ah.

Morgan's invited because he's Colette's new boyfriend.

What?

Oh, yeah.

There's my girl. What?

Get this: Everyone's calling us Colorgan, which I hate.

Guys, please.

Yes, I love men, I love being in this relationship.

Mm.

What a hot and natural couple.

Isn't it? Morgan is a fine young man.

We're going golfing later.

Uh, by golf, you mean the Frisbee variety?

[laughs] Morgan, you are a panic.

I love it.

I know.

Oh!

Catch!

Come on, shnookums.

That's my boyfriend.

Now excuse me, but would you mind if I ask: What are you doing back here?

What am I doing here?

Yeah.

That's like asking Rihanna what she's doing at the Met Ball.

I'm the queen of this ish.

But, if you must know, Danny's taking care of our baby and I am covering his workload.

So the hysterectomy I was going to do with Danny, now I'm doing it with you?

Yeah, man. Yeah.

You bet your sweet ass you are.

And we're gonna listen to my playlist, so I hope you like "Monster Mash" and Tracy Chapman.

God!

I'm so sorry!

Well, Leo, today is gonna be easy as pie.

Speaking of which...

Yeah.

Yeah, looks good, right?

[whines]

Okay, let me cross that off the to-do-list.

"Bake apple pie." We're right on schedule.

Go to the pediatrician early, we'll still have time to work on our Italian flashcards.

What's next? Cable guy's five minutes late.

That's okay, right?

That's why we schedule wiggle room.

[moans]

Oh... whoop!

Rattle down. I'll get it.

Oh, damn it. Um...

Okay, that's okay. No worries.

That's why you always bake a second pie.

Hey.

Hey, man.

What the hell are you doing with Colette?

We're dating and we're in love.

Okay. That's obviously not true.

Morgan, you cannot turn gay people straight.

I know, I know. Listen, listen.

Okay, Colette asked me to be the beard at her grandfather's wedding, but now Dr. K is treating me like family.

He took me on his boat.

No one has ever done that and brought me back.

You cannot keep a Southern family's gay secret for personal gain.

What are you, in a Tennessee Williams play?

Whoa, am I smart?

You shouldn't help Colette lie.

And this is coming from someone who loves to lie.

I need more time.

Jody's teaching me how to play the spoons.

Look at this. Ready?

♪ Got a little woman in Tu... ♪

[clatters]

It happens seven or eight times a day, and frankly, I'm getting sick of it.

Attention, y'all.

This message is for Morgan.

I'm not gonna finish my chicken pot pie.

Please make your way to the kitchen if you would like some leftover gravy and peas.

Did you hear that? It's my favorite food: Scraps!

I need this. Please.

Okay.

Great.

Please refrain from using the intercom for announcements about chicken pot pie.

My son's late for a doctor's appointment, so how long's it gonna be?

What? What do you mean, "What's a guy doing home at 2:00 p.m.?"

I'll tell you what I'm doing home, I'm a stay-at-home dad.

That's okay now.

No, you're getting heated!

[line clicks]

Oh, he hung up on me.

Cable company hung up on me.

Aah. Aah!

Ow, God! God damn it!

[sighs] Okay.

[phone vibrates]

Okay.

Oh, it's Mommy.

Okay, okay.

[sighs]

["Monster Mash" by Bobby "Boris" Pickett]

♪ I was working in the lab late one night ♪
♪ When my eyes beheld an eerie sight ♪
♪ For my monster, from his slab began to rise ♪

That was a great surgery.

I forgot how much I like slicing open women.

Thank God I became a doctor.

After that, I think we deserve a treat.

Whoa. The flask?

Mine was confiscated at the American Girl store.

What is this? Mike's Hard?

Oh, that's craft whiskey.

The field of rye was fertilized only by the leavings of Kentucky Derby winners.

So fancy and gross.

What are we drinking to?

How about your last day of work?

I can't believe I'm saying this.

I'm sorry you won't be there tomorrow to assist in my triplet delivery.

Yeah. I need to be home with my son.

You know, Danny's right.

A child needs his doctor mother to be home to clean the floors and to prepare the father gourmet food.

And that's what I want to be doing.

So...

Sounds like you need another sip.

Uh, no?

You already drank it all.

Yeah.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Oh, good, you're still here.

I thought you were gone.

No, no, no, no, I'm still here.

Still working mom till the end of the day.

Good, because I need something feminine to wear to my grandpa's wedding.

This is the only dress I own.

It was from my first communion.

Colette, we need to talk.

Sit down.

You have to tell your brother the truth.

If you are not living your authentic self, what even was the point of "Glee?"

Well, the problem's Jody.

I just... I love him so much, I... I want to be the... the girly-girl he's always wanted me to be.

Even if that means I have to lie.

Forever.

You shouldn't hide who you are from someone you love.

Oh, my God.

I'm in the closet too.

Definitely not. Like, hard no.

Not even close.

Yes, but I'm keeping a secret from a man that I love.

I'll tell you a secret.

I don't wanna be a stay-at-home mom.

I want to come to work.

I just... I don't know how to tell Danny.

Well if he loves you, he'll understand.

I guess I gotta tell Jody the truth too.

I just gotta find a way to tell him delicately.

Hey, boo.

Jody is starting to get suspicious, so you and I have to start openly kissing, and maybe get a little grab-sy.

Oh, God, no! No!

Ugh!

[grunts] God.

Hey, everybody. It's Colette.

I'm a lesbian.

Over and out.

I'm proud of you.

I feel so good!

Colette!

No!

Colette, you're not really gay, are you?

I mean, this is just another one of your funny pranks, right?

Like when you kissed that girl in your class, or asked that girl to prom?

Oh, dear.

It's not a prank, Jody.

Listen, she's not gay. Relax, okay?

This is just a ruse so I will propose to her, and it's working. Colette, I love you.

No, I... yeah...

I just need a minute.

This is all so shocking.

Really?

Every Halloween I went as John Elway.

It's not that you're gay.

I've known plenty of gays.

Heck, half the guys in boarding school were messing around with each other.

Amen, sister.

Wait, then why are you so upset?

Because I love you, Colette, and now your life isn't gonna be the one I pictured for you, and neither will mine.

I mean, now I'll never have a brother-in-law.

We were gonna grill together, complain about our wives.

Jody, don't you get it?

I'm gonna be that brother-in-law.

What do you mean?

I like dumb blondes just like you do.

I mean, we're both gonna marry hot trophy wives who love to shop.

[whispers] With really big breasts.

The biggest.

This coming out is getting less touching.

And who do you think's gonna sit on the bench at the mall, holding their purses?

Me and you.

Damn right!

Come here.

Oh!

[sighs]

Okay, okay.

Thanks, Dr. Lahiri, for the advice.

I'm really glad I said how I feel.

I don't care if you're gay, or straight, or trans.

I'm in love with you, and all that matters is that you are my girlfriend.

No.

Coulda been the best.

Don't.

You coulda had the best.

Hey, sweetheart.

Don't worry, I had a hard first day too.

Hey, babe.

Oh, my God, are you painting?

Yeah, it's just watercolors.

Relaxes me.

This place looks amazing.

Oh, I don't know if it looks amazing.

I mean, I almost didn't get to wax the floor because I was glazing the duck.

Somehow, miraculously, I managed to do both.

You did both.

Hey, have a seat.

Now I'm gonna wash up, and we'll say grace, okay?

Okay.

Hey, Leo. We need to talk.

Thing is, genetically speaking, you're half your dad and half me, which is mostly a good thing.

Probably inherit your dad's hair and my ability to remember sleights.

And I really hope you inherit your dad's ability to be great at everything he tries.

But you might be like me, and I'm only great at one thing: My job.

God, you shoulda seen me in the surgery today.

Even Karen the anesthesiologist gave me a high-five, and I've told you what a bitch she is.

I just want you to be proud of me, baby... which is why I have to go back to work.

I just don't know how to tell your dad yet.

Wait a second.

That's a hotel-quality bed corner.

[dramatic music]

It's so tidy in there!

Ah, thanks.

Well, you know, what I like the most was this towel swan.

What?

This towel swan that you made.

The swan I made out of a towel.

It's funny, because I remember you telling me that origami was disrespectful to Pearl Harbor vets.

Oh, no, no, no, I changed my mind on that whole theory.

Well, since I'm gonna be home tomorrow, thought maybe you could, uh... show me how you did it.

The towel swan?

Yeah.

See, that's... oh, yes.

Once over there... And then we, uh...

Hmm.

These towels are a little starchy right now, but, uh...

No, that doesn't look like a swan.

Cross over, and then we, uh...

What's that?

The g*n in "The Godfather."

That sucks. Give that to me.

Here. Okay.

I cannot believe you.

What?

You brought your mother in as a ringer to make me look bad.

Fine. I had help, okay?

But it wasn't to make you look bad.

It was... it was because you were right.

My schedule was in shreds by 12:00.

I called Ma crying. Okay?

I couldn't do it.

It's hard.

It's really hard.

I wasn't lying, like my allergy to vegetables.

I don't know how you do it.

I changed my shirt, like, four times.

He just... he saw a new shirt come, he was like...

Blech.

Yeah, big challenge.

Did he do that thing where he's clearly crying but there's no sound coming out, he's like...

Yeah, that's exactly what he does.

By the way, we're switching to those diapers that are bad for the environment.

I've already been using them, actually.

I keep them in the ceiling with my candy.

I'm a lucky guy.

I'm with someone that actually wants to do this every day.

I have to talk to you about something.

What's up?

I haven't been...

[phone rings] - Sorry, hold on one sec.

Hey, Little Danny, how's my favorite half-sister?

What's up on the Worst Coast?

You don't need to cry. I'm only joking around with you.

California's not...

Wait, what?

My dad had a heart att*ck.

Okay, Little Danny, well, I'm gonna... I'm gonna get out there as soon as I can.

Just call me if anything changes.

Okay.

[phone beeps]

Are you okay?

He's stable, but...

Son of a bitch smoked his whole life.

I mean, I told him, "You can't...

"You gotta exercise, Dad," and he ate like crap, I mean, it's no surprise.

[sighs]

Okay. I gotta get out there.

I mean, I don't know what kind of doctors he has out there.

I got a delivery on Wednesday.

What are they gonna do in the office without either one of us?

[sighs]

Damn, what am I talking about?

I can't go.

I... we have a son. I'm not... no, no, no.

I'm... I'm... I'm not gonna go. I gotta stay with Leo.

It's okay, it's okay. Here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna help you pack, and then you're gonna go out there and be with your dad and with your sister.

And then, I'm gonna go back to work while you're gone, and your mom can take care of Leo like she did today, and...

It's gonna be okay.

[poignant music]

Oh, God, you're the best.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

It's gonna be okay, right?

Uh... I'm gonna...

I'm gonna call Richie.

Thank you, babe.

I'm actually happy to go back to work.