04x18 - The Ghostess With the Mostest

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys, are you excited for Halloween?

All: Yeah! Candy!

Are you excited to have it with Stuart?

No! Nuh-uh!

Can... What, now?

Oh, come on, I ran into his mom in the lobby and apparently he doesn't have anyone to trick-or-treat with.

Well, there's a shock. Can't you just take him?

I have other plans.

Last night, I had this dream that I met a mysterious stranger in the park.

He was wearing a black cape, and a mask, and he kissed my hand and gave me a red rose.

And then, today, I saw this in the lobby.

"Central Park Spook-tacular."

I heard that is amazing!

They have a haunted house, and a masquerade ball...

Which is the perfect place to meet the man of my dreams!

So we get stuck with Stuart, the man of my nightmares.

Look, guys, I know Stuart's not that cool...

The center of the sun is cooler than Stuart!

Hey! Maybe all my cool is on the inside, where you can't see it.

I have been using that line for years, kid.

Trust me, nobody buys it.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way ♪
♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie ♪
♪ My whole world is changing Turning around ♪
♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground ♪
♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town ♪
♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ Hey Jessie ♪
♪ It feels like a party every day ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Hey! Hey, Jessie.

Halloween costume, or body bag I'm not supposed to ask questions about?

(Laughs)

Actually, this is my gown for the Central Park masquerade ball.

Yeah, gotta look good. You never know who I might meet there, right?

(Both laughing)

Those boxing classes are really paying off.

Hey, can we talk?

Oh, okay, I've heard those words before, and you can't break up with me if you're already my ex.

That's just it, I want to be your ex-ex-boyfriend.

I want us to get back together.

Oh.

Tony, I still really care about you, but don't you think the spark between us is kinda gone?

I mean, we already know everything there is to know about each other.

Maybe not everything.

My parents have been married 30 years, and Ma just found out about Dad's extra bellybutton.

(Snaps fingers)

So that's why he wouldn't go to the beach with us.

Anyway, look, you are a great guy, but...

But maybe I'm just looking for someone whose dreams are as big as mine.

I have big dreams.

Oh, Tony, sweetie, bowling a 280 is not a big dream.

Bertram, where are you going with...

Colin the Cauldron? Kyle the Kettle?

Jessie, please, I don't name all of my cookware.

(Whispers) This one's a rental.

I don't want to get too attached.

Good thinking.

I'm sick of getting up and down to answer the door for trick-or-treaters.

So this year, I'm putting the treats out and every kid can just take one.

Aw, I think not having to see you is the best treat of all.

Kids, come down here and see how pretty I look.

I mean, show me your costumes!

Ta-da!

Oh, Emma, you look so... What are you?

We all decided to dress up as our personal superheroes.

I'm Super Fashion Woman!

Faster than an airport manipedi, more powerful than a platinum charge card!

(Chuckles)

Jessie: And you are?

Super Unicorn!

The leader of the Power Ponies, Defender of the Herd...

(Thwack)

(Groans)

And Destroyer of Knick-Knacks.

So, how are you going to go to the bathroom in that get-up?

It's all built in.

This baby's state-of-the-art.

Huh.

(Laughs) Okay.

Let me guess.

Ladies Man!

Super attractive, super available.

Able to charm women with my smooth talk and signature musk.

Is that what we're calling it?

Ravi, what are you wearing?

I thought we were going as gyros.

Superheroes.

Hey, guys!

Stuart, the kids are really excited you're going trick-or-treating with them.

Right, guys?

All: Ehn.

Actually, I'm staying in, and I came to warn you guys to do the same.

I just found out, tonight's a full moon.

And you know what that means.

Your mother's gonna make you wear sunscreen?

Well, yes, but also...

Abigail starts looking for friends.

Who's Abigail? Is she cute?

She's dead. Sorry. Was she cute?

Abigail is a lonely ghost who haunts the Upper West Side.

Her face is hidden by long, dark hair and she always appears in a white dress.

After Labor Day?

Ugh! That is scary.

Legend has it that Abigail rises from the grave and takes children to be her eternal playmates.

And they're never heard from again!

Well, if this chick shows up, tell her not to drag her dirty chains across the carpet.

All right, Bertram's in charge, bye!

(Classical music playing on speakers)

Good evening, beautiful lady.

(Laughs) It is now.

Wait a minute! Mask, black cape, hand kissing...

You might be the man of my dreams.

I hope so, because you're the most stunning woman I've ever seen.

(Chuckles)

You haven't even seen the best half of my face yet!

I'd take you for a romantic ride, but the gondolier looks dead tired.

(Jessie laughs)

Hi, my name is... Oh! No names yet.

Not until we unmask at midnight.

Oh.

Well, this is incredible.

The last time a guy swept me off my feet in the park, it was an out of control roller-blader.

Ravi: They want a superhero, I give them...

Lizard Man!

(Cell phone chimes) Oh!

Ugh. (Spits)

Oh, someone has sent me a video!

(Gasps) I hope it is baby animals doing something adorable!

(Creepy laughter)

(Crows cawing)

Ravi: Abigail!

Did he say "Abigail"? Like that ghost girl?

Obviously!

It's Ravi, we know there's not a real girl up there with him!

Come on! Oh.

Ravi? Bro?

He's not here!

Oh, and he left his phone!

It looks like the last thing he did was watch a ChatSnap video, but it's already deleted itself.

Well, who sent it?

All of his friends were downstairs.

Someone named...

(Gasps) Abigail.

(Both gasp)

See, it's starting!

Abigail took Ravi to be her forever playmate!

But that's impossible.

I'm the cute one! Why didn't she take me?

You know, I didn't want to say anything, but it might be the musk.

Man: Isn't this romantic?

Just you, and me...

Excuse me! And Albert Einstein.

Have you seen Marie Antoinette? We came together.

Oh, yeah, because that couple's costume makes sense.

Oh, uh, here she comes!

Wow, you move fast for someone wearing 50 pounds of hair.

Uh, Delia, don't you think it's rude to take the last piece of pie?

Let them eat cake.

(Laughs)

You should not be dressed as a smart guy.

Come on, genius.

So, Masked Man... Can I call you Masked Man?

What do you do for a living?

Actually, I've just been accepted into the Fire Fighters' Academy.

Wow, you're going to be a firefighter?

I'd buy that calendar.

Ravi? (Cell phone chimes)

(Creepy laughter)

(Gasps) Abigail!

Emma: Luke!

(Gasps) He's gone!

(Gasps) Guys, it looks like he just watched a ChatSnap, sent to him by Abigail!

(Shrieks)

This must be how she's contacting us from beyond!

She's coming for us, one by one!

(All screaming)

I guess the good news is there's texting in the afterlife.

Hey, do you want to switch partners?

Oh, no, thank you. I'm not into older men.

I'm only 16!

Well, then I'm not into younger men. Quick, waltz away.

Sorry, Jessie, sorry Jessie's dream guy, but Luke and Ravi are missing!

What? Have you checked their rooms?

Wait, it's Luke. Have you checked my room?

Abigail took them!

Uh, no, okay...

I have to go, I'm so sorry, but...

I promise I'll be back before midnight.

We'll finish our dance then.

(Laughs)

Okay, let's go.

What about you, my pretty pony?

Care to trip the light fantastic?

Care to be gored by a mythical animal?

Fillies, am I right?

Jessie! Emergency!

Someone's been stealing all the Halloween candy!

Have you looked in the mirror?

Bertram, even bigger emergency!

You were supposed to be watching the kids, and two of them are missing!

Oh. Well...

You've still got one of the good ones left.

I can't believe Abigail took Ravi and Luke!

I can. She's lonely and desperate.

That is the kind of girl they usually attract.

Guys, there is no Abigail!

Au contraire, au pair.

See, this is a picture of her from 1925.

She was born Friday the 13th, 1913, on 13th Street.

Wow, that girl never had a chance.

But see? She was a real person!

With bad hair. Poor thing.

I mean, also because she's dead.

All right, you two stay here.

Zuri and I are gonna go check the lobby for Ravi and Luke.

The sooner we find them, the sooner I get back to my tall drink of masquerade lemonade.

If you called him that to his face, I can guarantee he won't be waiting.

(Thunder booming)

(Gasps)

Ah, okay, I can see where this is going.

Emma, my heart belongs to Zuri, but I'm sure there's some guy, somewhere, who's... into all that.

Gee, how will I ever get over you?

Chocolate and Ed Sheeran, honey.

Are you nuts?

Abigail is using technology to suck us in.

No texting, no emails and no phone calls!

Easy for you to say!

Blake and Fiona are in the middle of a huge break-up.

My public needs me!

Suit yourself. I'm going to the bathroom.

Don't miss me too much.

(Cell phone chimes)

(Gasps)

Don't answer, don't answer.

Be strong!

Abigail: You have a message...

You have a message...

(Shrieks)

(Cell phones vibrating)

(Whimpers)

(Gasps)

(Creepy laughter) Abigail!

(Electricity flickering)

(Both gasping)

(Nervously) Well, this isn't creepy at all.

(Phone ringing)

(Both shriek)

(Ringing continues)

Don't answer that!

What if it's the ghost calling for you?

Zuri, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Hello? Zuri Ross speaking.

Thanks a lot!

Abigail: I'm lonely. Come play with me.

(Both scream)

Um... rain check.

Come on, go, go, go! (Elevator dinging)

(Both exclaiming)

Do you think the ghost threw that?

Well, we know it wasn't Ravi. It came straight to us.

(Jessie gasps)

(Both screaming)

Jessie: No! No!

(Both whimpering)

Abigail is real!

We've got to go warn Emma and Stuart!

Come on, come on.

Oh, no! Not this one! Not this one! (Zuri shrieks)

No! No!

Kids, where are you?

Bertram, have you seen Emma and Stuart?

No, I've been busy trying to catch the candy bandit.

I set up a surveillance camera so I can see who's been swiping my sweets.

What sweets? The cauldron is empty.

What? Again?

(Exclaims) I just turned my head for a second!

This is a disaster!

The kids missing is pretty bad, too.

Yeah, you bet it's bad!

It's very possible that a ghost just stole three adorable children!

And Stuart!

(Gasps) Look, it's Emma's phone!

(Both gasp)

She's been taken by Abigail!

And in other news, Blake and Fiona are not handling their break-up well.

Now, I know why you never see a horse in a recliner.

Jessie! (Both scream)

I came as soon as I could. What happened?

Okay, this is going to be a little bit hard to believe, but...

I think some of the kids may have been taken by a ghost girl to a playdate in a parallel dimension!

Got it! What's the fastest way to the spirit world?

Bridge, tunnel or seance?

Thank you for being here, Tony.

Well, of course. It's you.

(Disembodied laughter)

Oh, no, Abigail's come for us!

Uh, I'm not ready! I've never been to Japan, and the Spice Girls never gave their fans that reunion we deserved!

Relax, it's just my Halloween ringtone.

(Gasps) Look, it's a video call from Stuart!

Stuart! Are you okay?

Guys, I don't have much time. I found the others.

We're safe, but I don't know for how long.

Come quick. Abigail! Ahh!

Stuart, come back!

Wow, never thought I'd say that.

(Sighs) Oh, no.

He didn't tell us where he was.

Now we'll never find them!

Wait! Didn't you see the skeletons and the cobwebs?

Maybe they're in the haunted house in Central Park!

Tony, you're a genius!

Wow, I never thought I'd say that, either.

(Thunder rumbling)

Zuri: Hey, hey, hey...

Do we really need to find them?

I'd be happy as an only child.

(Whimpering)

(Squealing)

Kids?

Kids?

Emma: Jessie! (Jessie yelps)

Oh, thank goodness! I'm so glad you guys are okay.

(Disembodied laughter)

Hey, don't worry, guys.

If Abigail tries to get you, she's gonna have to go through me.

(Whimpering) Which she totally can, because she's a ghost.

(Creepy laughter) Aw, man!

(All screaming)

You're toast, ghost! (Both grunting)

(Exclaiming)

All: Stuart?

Hello! Welcome to my Halloween bash!

(Techno music playing on speakers)

Wait a minute.

So, Stuart is the mystery host of this party?

Uh, wait, party?

I thought a ghost was about to take you to a parallel universe!

(Laughs) Hardly!

We were all invited to attend the coolest Halloween bash in New York.

Yeah, thrown by a super-cool host.

Who we just found out is Stuart Wooten.

Wait, maybe we are in a parallel universe.

But why didn't you kids tell anyone where you were going?

Bertram and I... Well...

I have been worried sick!

What? Didn't you see the invitation? What invitation?

The one at the end of the ChatSnap video?

Come on, I'll show you. What?

Tony: "Super secret Halloween party. Leave phones and adults at home. Tell no one, or entrance will be denied. Your ghost host knows all."

So you sent the videos, haunted the lobby, and threw this party. But why?

Because you guys thought I wasn't cool, and I wanted to prove you wrong.

Also, I have a lot of free time.

So, you made me come down here and miss the unmasking of the man of my dreams, just so you could prove how cool you are?

In my defense, you weren't really invited.

Oh, excuse me, have you seen Albert Einstein?

Every night in my dreams.

Uh, yeah, he's over there, talking to Super Fashion Woman.

Where did you get all those credit cards?

From my purse. This cape has an eight million dollar credit limit.

Wow, I went over my limit when I bought this moustache.

Hello, there. I am Ladies Man, here to rescue you from the perils of being single.

I like your wig. Oh, thank you.

I made it from hair I found on the bus.

I find that strangely enticing.

(Creepy laughter)

Zuri: Stuart, that was an amazing party.

Thank you, my stunning steed.

It was a great party, Stuart.

Just not the one I hoped for.

We are very sorry you missed the unmasking of your dream date, Jessie.

Maybe it's not too late.

Face it, guys, I'll never see that face.

With my dating luck, the next masked man I meet will be a burglar.

Or, your mysterious stranger could still be there, waiting for you.

What am I still doing here?

Emma, use your cape to pay for a cab home.

Lucky for you, I'm still here, Marie.

Oh, um, actually, my name is Delia.

It is? (Gasps)

I cannot build a relationship based on lies!

Tell that to your muscles.

You came back!

You waited for me?

Of course, I waited.

A lot longer than you know.

Tony?

It was you all along?

Why didn't you just tell me who you were?

I wanted you to see me in a different light.

(Laughs) Well, you succeeded.

Wait, are you really joining the fire academy?

Yup, it's been a dream of mine since I was a little kid.

Tony, that's amazing.

You know what?

I am really sorry.

It was wrong of me to assume you didn't have big dreams, too.

See? We still have a lot to learn about each other after all.

(Chuckles) I guess so.

You don't have a bellybutton I don't know about, do you? (Tony laughs)

No, the doctor filled that in.

So, despite that, do you think the spark is still there?

It could burn down this whole park.

(Tony laughs)

I hope not.

I'm still on the rescuing kittens from trees chapter.

(Both laughing)

Oh, and before I forget, I wanted to give this to you at midnight.

Okay, wait, the red rose, the mask, the black cape...

Which one of the kids told you about my dream?

What dream?

Never mind.

I guess, sometimes dreams really do come true after all.

Mine just did.

Tony? Yes, Jessie.

Could we leave? That gondolier is really freaking me out.

(Jessie laughs)

Okay, let's watch the surveillance footage and see who kept stealing the candy.

Stuart, you were the thief?

As if I would touch communal candy!

The germs, people, the germs!

Wait, look at the time stamp!

At that hour, Stuart was with us.

Well, then...

Who's that?

All: (Gasping) Abigail!

(Creepy laughter)

Stay in a hotel tonight?

Tonight? Try until Christmas!