01x04 - Deadbeat

[bunniefuu]

The only thing more delicious than my meal last night was the age-defiant owner.

Run don't walk to Jimmy's Restaurant.

Five stars, Anonymous2033488T.

(phone buzzes)

(chuckles) I'm glad.

(phone rings)

Hey! That's my parking spot, chief!

Oh, hey, you!

Are you here?

You know it. Yeah. I'll see you in a second. Bye.

(ringing)

Um, what's the address of the park... that I'm at?

Hello?

Hello?

Guys, here's why Jimmy couldn't make it.

Yeah, my quake app is showing a 2.1 magnitude in Big Bear.

(chuckles) I knew I felt something.

No, honey, what you were feeling was frustration, disappointment, hopefully a little rage.

Let it out, Gerald.

No. Damn it!

How could he do this?

She turned two!

He's dead to me, guys.

Jimmy: I'm here!

Hey. Jimmy!

Sorry I'm late.

(laughs) Good to see you, man.

Oh, good, Edie, he brought the champagne.

Ooh, rough turnout.

Did you even hire a party promoter?

Next time, I have a guy.

No, you are two hours late to a two-hour party, Jimmy.

You missed it.

Are you serious?

That's my style; I show up fashionably late so I don't have to have awkward chit-chat with the host.

The host was me.

Clearly my plan didn't work.

All right, what'd I miss?

Yeah, yeah, your only granddaughter's second birthday.

Oh, I apologize, Edie.

But if your party was better, then more people would be here and I wouldn't have missed it.

I just cleaned this.

Don't make me get it dirty again.

All right, I get it.

I screwed up, but you know what?

I know how to make this up to Edie. You know how?

By paying for her college education?

No, I'm gonna have an even better party for her at my restaurant tomorrow.

Everyone's invited, friends, family, important people I know.

Oh, invite your brother.

Is he still in Palm Springs? Frederick?

No, no, no. He's busy.

Busy being a nut job?

Does he still keep that sword in his trunk?

(laughs) He is crazy. He is.

Anyway, it's gonna be a great party.

Party starts at 1:00. You guys all show up at...

3:00?

Now you're getting it!

Hey, hey, hey.

Listen, you don't, uh, you don't need to do this.

Have you ever even thrown a kid's birthday party before?

Gerald, I've hosted Mariah Carey's 40th birthday party for the last five years.

I think I can throw a party for a two-year-old kid who's not even famous. This is what I do.

This is what I like to do, Gerald.

Annelise, I need you to throw me a party.

Now? I'm visiting my grandmother's grave.

Is she going somewhere?

(sighs)

I'll be there soon.

Good, thanks, sweetie.

Oh, and tell her I said hi.

Okay.

Look, if you, uh, if you really want to crush this, it would be cool if you got Big Bird to make an appearance.

Edie and I are really huge fans.

Got it. Get a bird.

No, no, no, Big Bird.

Yeah, all right, it'll be huge.

Uh, you know, before you go, I, uh, I wanted to ask your opinion about something.

Yeah, I'd lose the shirt.

What? Um, no.

See, I'm working on this whole master plan for my life.

Step One: Meet my dad.

Check.

Step Two: Get some cool shirts.

Apparently not check.

Uh, Step Three: Bust out of the friend zone with Vanessa.

You guys have a baby together.

I'm pretty sure the word "friend zone" doesn't apply here.

Plus, I heard feminists don't like that term.

Yeah, we don't, but it's easier to use it.

Anyway, I was thinking about sending her anonymous hydrangeas for her 26th birthday.

Then on her 27th birthday, reveal it was me.

(engine starts)

Watch your toes.

Fernando, where's my raw bar?

My raw bar.

Rose, these are gift certificates for a massage at Highland Spa.

Make sure every kid gets one.

Okay, watch-watch the cannolis.

Why the hell are we doing this?

I thought we hated children.

He's in the doghouse for missing his granddaughter's b-day.

Edie needs to get over herself.

I'm on Team Jimmy.

Bros before grandhos, right?

That felt horrible to say.

Guys, this isn't just about me fixing my mistake.

This is a golden opportunity in disguise.

I'm throwing a party at my Michelin-quality restaurant, the likes of which these people have never seen before.

I'm gonna be a hero.

Am I too obsessed with being loved?

Both: Yes.

Who's to say?

Oh, look, the magician is starting.

This is the trick that k*lled my mentor.

(motor starts)

(gasping)

(kids screaming)

(revving)

Hey, kid, do you know how much that caviar costs?

I'm too young to know prices.

Enjoy your childhood.

Because when you grow up, the world will be out of water.

Jimmy: Owning a restaurant?

Piece of cake.

Being a parent?

Hardest job in the world, right?

Being a grandparent is no cakewalk either.

We don't have the energy you all have.

Well...

People ask us, "Where do you live?"

We tell them, huh?

"The bathroom!"

(laughter)

I live in a modern loft downtown.

Well, this is awkward.

You and me at the same party.

Oh, you're the chef, right?

(laughs) Yeah, I think you know who I am.

The chef?

Look, it's totally natural you and I would be wary of each other.

We're both kind of like sons to Jimmy.

Oh, I'm not like a son to Jimmy.

Look, I'm just gonna cut to the chase here, bub.

I feel totally threatened by you, and I'm not sure how to process it.

Boom!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I'm sorry.

(gasping)

Hey, did you, um, invite a bunch of fancy people to the party to show off?

I'm not trying to showing off.

Oh, say, did you see Richie Sambora is playing?

Oh, Sambora.

You know what kids like.

Wait till you taste the cake.

It's tiramisu made with Saint Lucian rum.

Can the kids eat that?

Oh, we have another cake.

Ravi, get another cake.

Gotcha.

Oh, say, were you invited to Ethan Purcell's third birthday party next weekend?

'Cause I was.

What?

Look, if it upsets you that much, I can get you on the list.

You invited my brother?

Yeah, turns out he wasn't busy.

I'm gonna go say hi.

Yeah, definitely.

Uh, one thing you should know, though.

Uh, he thinks you're a deadbeat who ran out on me when I got pregnant with Gerald.

What?! I didn't know you were pregnant.

Why would he think that?

It was something he heard... from me.

Why would you lie about that?

I knew my family would think I was crazy for raising Gerald alone, so I just made it up, so that it would seem like it was out of my hands.

Well, go tell him the truth.

I will.

Eventually.

But, um, if get into this now, it'll ruin Edie's party.

Can you just go along with this for now, please?

All right, fine.

But you owe me for my selflessness.

Eh, Gandhi in Gucci over here.

I mean, it probably won't even come up.

Hey, sis.

Hey, Frederick.

Jimmy, thank you so much for inviting me.

I'm gonna hit the bathroom, get a drink, and then at some point, I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna k*ll you, so...

The birthday girl's here!

All: Surprise!

(children screaming)

Surprise. Did he say "k*ll"?

Frederick, can I have a word?

No.

Oh.

Aw, I'm kidding.

(chuckles)

Lighten up, James.

You think I'm telling everybody about what you did to Sara?

No, I don't think that. Are you?

Yes.

I'm kidding. No, no.

I'm confused.

So was Sara when you left her.

Listen, about that.

Could you keep that to yourself?

I've invited some very important people here.

And my reputation is important to me.

But, hey, look.

I feel terrible about, um, about what I did.

You know what?

Apology accepted.

Really?

No.

Yes. No.

Yes?

Yes. No, yes.

(groans)

You better eat that.

What?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Second door on the left.

What?

Can you please help me?

That is not my department, kid.

I'm gonna go on the floor.

Come on!

Nope!

Uh, Vanessa?

I wanted to talk to you about something.

I only stole massage gift cards from the rich kids.

What?

Fine! Here.

No, that's not what I'm talking about.

So-so-so sorry.

Um, where do you want the falcon?

"The falcon"?

Yeah, Jimmy said you wanted a big bird.

You got to be kidding me!

No, I promised Edie we'd have Big Bird.

(laughs): Oh, oh!

See, now, that would've been a great idea.

That would've been so good.

So, what did you want to talk to me about?

Uh... Stay right here. I'll be right back.

Stay right there.

Ooh, got to be honest.

I don't think Jimmy would've done that to me.

Not that this is a competition.

Does he hug you?

He hugs me!

Señor Plucky's.

Excuse me? Excuse me...

Hey.

Uh, big fan of your food.

Oh, nice.

That's why I got into this game.

Great. Uh, uh... random question... uh, is there any way I could, like, rent your costume for a couple hours?

I'll pay anything.

Yep. I get it.

(chuckles)

Just make sure you dry clean it.

And don't videotape anything.

What are you talking about?

I'm not supposed to give the costume to furries.

But, hey, everyone deserves love.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's for my, uh, two-year-old's birthday.

Right. Got it.

Okay.

Just, uh, here...

Thanks. (laughs)

I'm into some weird stuff, too!

I believe you.

(kids clamoring)

Frederick: All right, kids.

Who wants to sing along with Frederick, huh?

Yeah, gather around!

(kids cheering)

Everybody, come on and sit down.

Sit down.

All right, y'all ready?

We're gonna meet Frederick the Farmer.

(Frederick playing guitar)

♪ Welcome to my vegetable farm ♪
♪ Want to see what I can grow? ♪
♪ Sing with me and then ♪
♪ You'll know ♪
♪ I have ♪
♪ Yummy, yummy corn ♪

Kids: Yummy, yummy corn!

♪ Crunchy carrots Crunchy carrots. ♪

It's cute. I like it.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go sing with the kids.

Yeah.

♪ Hot, hot peppers Hot, hot peppers! ♪
♪ Then I tried to grow beets, but the beets didn't grow ♪
♪ So they d*ed and now I have ♪
♪ Dead beets Dead beets! Sing loud, kids! ♪
♪ Dead beets ♪

Kids: Dead beats!

♪ Like Jimmy Like Ji... ♪

Kids: Like Jimmy!

♪ Like Jimmy ♪

Kids: Like Jimmy!

♪ Keep going, kids No, don't. ♪
♪ That's right, every one ♪
♪ When Jimmy found out that Sara was pregnant with Gerald ♪
♪ He split Dead beets! ♪
♪ So Sara had to work three jobs ♪
♪ To take care of Gerald all alone ♪
♪ Jimmy's a real... ♪

No, no, no, no...

♪ Dead beet Dead beet! ♪
♪ Louder... dead beet Dead beet! ♪

Stop...

♪ Jimmy's a dead beet Dead beet! ♪

I'm a black lesbian from the South, And this was the worst thing I've ever been through.

What the...?

I have to go to the bathroom, too.

Oh... Lise, this is terrible.

Everybody hates me. The mothers hate me.

My important friends hate me.

Richie Sambora hates me. What do I do?

Well, first off, I'd try to remember that today is supposed to be about your granddaughter.

But I'd talk to Sara and just try to understand...

Right! Edie... it's all about Edie.

That's perfect.

What?

I got to go.

And it looks like he does, too.

Are you the bathroom lady?

I used to be so much more.

Richie: Attention, please!

Gather around for the traditional grandfather uh, granddaughter dance, I guess?

You got to help me win this crowd back.

Look alive, kid.

(laughs) Hi.

Hello, everybody.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, uh, I know I can't change the past, but like I always say, "The children are the future."

Think what you want of me, but all I care about is what this little lady thinks of me.

Edie, may I have this dance?

Okay. (laughs)

She said yes, she said yes!

♪ Somewhere over the rainbow... ♪

What the hell is he doing?

Jimmy: Yes! (laughs)

(whoops, chuckles)

What's that?

Oh... I love you, too.

I love you, too!

She loves me, she loves me.

(chuckles) Cherish this moment.

This is a good one.

♪ ...a land that I heard of ♪
♪ Once in a lullaby... ♪

Jimmy: Okay, here we go.

Whoa!

See that? She's got moves like Jagger, doesn't she?

♪ Somewhere over the rainbow... ♪

All right, guys, stop.

Stop playing. Here.

Look, I know, I get it, I get it.

I can see the look in your eyes.

You all think I'm a deadbeat.

Well, you want to know the truth?

Sara never told me she was pregnant with Gerald.

Time out.

Are you calling my sister a liar?

Well, technically, yeah.

Sara, is he telling the truth?

Yes.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy... birthday to you. ♪

Señor Plucky!

(kids shouting)

No, no, I'm Big Bird.

Big Bird's here!

Okay!

Señor Plucky's here!

Who wants to be Señor Plucky's friend?

All: Me!

All right!

On three, everyone, "Happy birthday, Edie."

One, two, three.

All: Happy birthday, Edie.

Happy birthday, Marmel!

Sorry I blew your cover.

I tried.

I just couldn't take the heat.

I know, you did try.

Thank you.

Did you really have to work three jobs when Gerald was little?

Yeah. I worked at the ear-piercing place in the mall, I was a cook at Casa Pasta, and I babysat.

Kind of a poor man's Ryan Seacrest.

If things were that hard for you, why didn't you come to me?

And why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?

I was going to tell you I was pregnant at the Cure concert.

Remember that night?

Right before we broke up, I got us tickets to The Cure in Anaheim.

We were supposed to meet at my place first.

I was doing my eye makeup.

I was waiting to do yours, and at the last minute you called and said you were stuck at a pool party and you weren't gonna make it.

So I went to the show by myself.

And I stood there through the whole thing, pretending I didn't care.

Until the last song...

"Pictures of You."

I just started bawling.

I mean a snotty mess.

Eye makeup everywhere.

And this guy next to me felt so bad, he put his arm around me.

(chuckles)

Then he tried to grab my boob.

And you'd flaked on me plenty of times before, but that night I just made up my mind that you weren't capable of being there for little Anthony.

I toyed with a few names before Gerald.

You should've stuck with Anthony.

And in case you're wondering, I fully realize that I may have made the wrong decision.

What? Oh, what are you doing?

Attention everyone, hi.

It's me again.

Uh, I was thinking about what I said earlier, and, uh, you probably you don't even remember what I said, but...

That Sara lied about you being a deadbeat?

Yeah, and she hid her pregnancy from you.

Yes, those are the headlines.

It's true that Sara didn't tell me she was pregnant.

But what's also true is I deserved it.

I wasn't a very good guy back then.

(scoffs)

Just...

Okay, yes, but he was also young.

And I was the one who carried a grudge against him for 25 years instead of giving him a chance to change.

Well, I don't know if I would have changed.

If found out you were pregnant, I don't think I could have handled it.

You blew me off for a pool party. So what?

Why are you talking about this in front of us?

It seems real private.

Hey, he gave you Richie Sambora and a magician that pulled string out of his eye.

He can do whatever he wants.

Thank you.

My point is don't be mad at Sara.

I mean, she did the right thing.

I wasn't ready for a family.

And I'm not sure if I'm ready for a family now, but I'm trying.

I guess that's the main takeaway for today.

Isn't the main takeaway "Happy Birthday Edie"?

Oh, yeah, that too.

Well, it's a tie.

Good night, everybody.

Wow. That's a lot of complicated stuff for a kid's party.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Really?

Yes.

No.

Yes.

Oh, I can't tell if I want to hug you or hurt you.

Hug. I would choose hug.

Oh.

Frederick, actually, you're hurting me.

I know. I'm so confused.

Excuse me, miss?

Were you in the bathroom with my boys earlier?

Yes, but I'm the bathroom lady.

I think you just potty-trained my sons.

Thank you.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Nope.

Man: Great party, dude.

Oh, hey, hey, I just want you to know, you put on a hell of a party.

You're not bad at this grandpa stuff.

Thanks, brother.

Oh, I'm not your son.

I'm your brother!

(laughs)

Yo, G! Wait, hold up.

Thanks for getting that chicken suit.

It's a good look on you.

Yeah, I'm thinking about keeping it.

Spruce up my wardrobe.

Yeah? (laughs)

Well, it's probably the mom hormones, but you're pretty hot when you do that dorky dad stuff.

Later, Señor Plucky.

♪ Happy birthday to you.

Jimmy: Boy, your second birthday was a real barn-burner, huh?

(laughter)

Look at that.

Sorry I missed it.

Wish I had been there. I don't know.

Way it shook out, I, uh, I'm glad you get to watch it with me now.

Vanessa: Edie can't get enough of this raw bar. Look at her.

Look at her go!

Do I know kids or what?

You do.

Um, this tiramisu is incredible.

Do I know cake or what?

(chuckles)

Oh, see?

Sara: It's a good park!

Oh, look, they had a park ranger back then.

Nope, no, that's just a guy going to the bathroom.

Aw, man, you were a cute little chubster.

Look at you!

No more cake.

♪ Than to feel you deep in my heart ♪
♪ There was nothing in the world ♪
♪ That I ever wanted more ♪
♪ Than to never feel the breaking apart ♪
♪ All my pictures of you. ♪