01x04 - A Regular Kristy Yamatushy

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my kingdom come.

♪ Here I am again ♪
♪ back with you ♪
♪ you and me ♪
♪ skating so effortless... ly ♪

I love to ice skate.

Really?

But it's been 40 years.

Wow.

Now that Harold's gone, I'm back.

I'm back, and you can't stop me, you poor bastard.

He was cruel, my husband was cruel.

Right after we got married, he took the ice.

He was a fair to midland skater.

I never told him that.

I always told him he was great.

Then, one day, he took a tumble on the ice.

Herniated two discs in his back.

Never skated again.

Huh?

And he pulled me aside during sex one night, right as I was about to climax, which he would never let me do.

And he said, "Gigi, if I'm not skatin', you're not skatin'."

Can you believe how cruel he was to me?

And then he came all over my face.

What?

♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪

♪

♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪

He's supposed to be here in a couple minutes.

This is very exciting.

Oh, I can... the smell of the ice.

When I was younger, I was known to most as "the ice princess of Canarsie."

When it came to ice skating, no one could touch my laces.

Mm-mm.

Except, of course, for my husband, Harold.

But, now that he's gone, I can hit the ice once again.

I've hired a nice, young man, who looks like a Bulgarian prison guard, to give me a refresher.

Harold hated Bulgarians.

I'm massaging my legs in preparation, but I'm an ice dancer.

Oh, okay.

And what I used to do is, I used to put cream into my legs to loosen them up.

Got it.

I used, like, a monistat cream.

On your legs?

On my legs, yeah. Anyway, this leg is ready.

This leg, I'm worried about.

Okay.

This is my assistant, Ricky. Come, Ricky.

Meet Michael, the instructor.

Hey, Ricky.

Pleasure. Pleasure to meet you.

Hi.

Likewise, yeah.

Yeah, how ya doin'?

Good.

Come sit with me.

You gonna be ice skating today?

No.

What?

Why not?

I don't ice skate.

Gigi: You know, he suffers from depression.

He wakes up in the morning.

He doesn't wanna roll out of bed.

So, why don't you come on the ice with me?

Listen to me.

No.

No.

What is wrong with you?

I'm... I'm not goin'... I'm not going on the ice.

Sorry. I'm... I'm sorry.

I rented out this whole thing.

Uh, you think I... I... I wanna be alone.

For you to skate, all right?

Yeah, but I thought we would do it together.

No, no, no.

I tell you what.

I don't feel safe... no offense.

I don't care if you have the hand of god.

I don't feel safe unless you're on the ice with me.

No, I don't feel safe on the ice, and neither should you.

If you fall, you can break your hip on the ice.

No, no, no.

No.

When was the last time you had 76-year-old woman on the ice?

See? That's my point.

I think we have missed your opportunity to even do this.

I don't look like that when I talk.

You don't have to mock...

Don't mock me. This is serious, okay?

Stop mocking me!

(Laughing)

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Michael: Here we go.

Harold!

Do you see me, Harold?

You dead bastard.

Michael: We gotta keep you safe.

That's... that's all that matters.

Yeah, but I'm very excited.

Ooh, I feel the cool air.

My nipples are hard.

Yeah. Okay, here we go.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis.

I'm back. (Laughing)

You see, Ricky?

I'm back.

Come on. Join me, won't you?

Michael: Come on, Ricky, let's go.

Here we go.

Gigi: Okay.

No, no. Some... something's happening here.

Oh, okay.

Ricky: Be careful!

Oh, god.

Please help. Okay.

Hold on.

Okay. I got ya.

Come on. Come on. Oh, god.

Okay, okay.

Oh-oh, god.

I can do it. One, two.

Ricky: Grab ahold!

Okay.

Ooh, I'm already in pain.

But that's okay. It's a good pain.

Okay, all right.

♪ whoo-hee-hoo-ha-hoo ♪

♪ oh here I am, everyone ♪
♪ back again once more ♪

Glide.

Ricky: Slow and steady, Gigi!

Forward, nice and tight.

I'm in my element. Whoo!

Oh, it's coming back to me.

Oh, yes, indeed.

I'm in my ele... oh, god.

Oh!

On three. One, two, three.

Back up.

Okay, we got it.

Oh, god.

(Gigi groans)

Gigi!

Are you okay?

That one hurt a little more.

Let's roll over. We gotta roll over again.

Once I roll over...

Okay.

Okay. Oh, too far.

Oh-oh-oh, god.

Oh, okay.

Come back.

You mean just one time?

Just to the... just to the...

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Just to the stomach. Hurry it up. There we go.

I'm very buoyant.

Okay.

I'm very buoyant.

Okay.

Gigi: But I didn't know it would feel this good.

Oh, how glorious it was to skate again.

The freedom and... and liberation I felt was so incredible.

I imagine it's how Anne Frank felt when she finally emerged from that attic after the end of the w*r.

I... I really should finish reading that diary.

Still feeling good?

Yeah, watch me.

Okay.

I can glide.

Here we go. There you go.

Oh, I'm gliding.

Keep that core tight. You got it.

Whoo!

You got it.

Yes, indeed, I am.

You got it. Good.

For a 76-year-old...

You're not doin' too bad.

You got it.

***

(Grunts)

Michael: Come on. Come on.

Are you okay?

Gigi: Oh, my god! Oh, god. Oh, god.

Oh, god. Okay, okay.

Are you okay?

Ricky?

Yeah, let's get you up.

Ricky, how did you get out here so quick?

I, um, I just s... s... I skated.

Yeah, come on.

You know how to skate.

I thought you never skated before.

Okay, ready?

Yeah.

One, two, three. Don't put weight on it.

Wait a second. You lied to me.

You lied to me.

Okay.

He lied to me.

That little ball of androgyny lied to me.

Uh, to me, I, his employer.

That's grounds for termination.

Mm-hmm.

Next thing you know, he'll be tellin' me that his helicopter was sh*t down in Iraq.

You know, if he's lying to me about ice skating, who knows what else he's lying about?

In fact, he could be an imposter.

You know, come to think of it, I've never seen Ricky and Ellen DeGeneres in the same place, at the same time.

Ricky, you are an amazing ice skater.

(Laughs) Yes, you are.

Did you see him?

I did.

Oh, he was terrific.

I think I've got a new skating partner.

(Laughs)

Oh, once this foot heals up, we're gonna get out on the ice together.

Don't worry about that.

Oh, my god.

You're a perfect skater.

Oh, once this foot heals up, we're gonna get out on the ice together.

No.

Yes, we are.

No.

We're gonna perform a routine.

Let's just... let's get off the ice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's just get you off the ice.

Yep.

Come on.

You remind me of Harold.

Almost there. We're almost there.

We're almost there.

Come on. We're almost there.

No, let's get you off the ice.

Okay, okay. Okay, ready?

Here we are, yes.

Someone needs to lift me from the tuckus up.

No, take me from the ass.

Oh, god.

Take me from the ass, and just lift up the ass.

Can you take her from...

Take, please.

Okay, here we go. Ready?

Now, lift up ass.

No, under. You gotta go under, so...

Yes, yes, yes.

Okay, you got it.

Okay, ready?

No, no, no, from the... up.

Put your hand up under there.

Okay.

There you go.

(Grunting) That's it.

Okay, come on.

That's it, exactly.

Okay, let's get you down.

That's it exactly.

Oh, Ricky, my sweet Ricky.

My figure skater. You lied to me!

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

How could you lie to me?

I didn't.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

(Groaning)

Be gentle. Be gentle with it, please.

It's okay.

Please.

I think there's swelling.

Is it here?

Yeah, that's where it hurts.

This hurts?

Yeah.

Let me...

Put the ice on it.

Good, good, good, good, good.

How's that feel?

Better?

That feels good.

Do me a favor. Put it on my knee now

'cause my knee is also in a lot of pain.

On your knee? This knee?

No, th... that knee.

Yes, this knee. Put it on that knee.

I mean this knee.

There ya go. Perfect.

That feels good.

That's better?

Now, move it up just the slightest bit.

On your hamstring? Did you pull your...

On my hamstring.

Oh, yeah.

You pulled your hamstring?

Oh, yes, and I sure did, and then move it right...

that's...

(sighs)

That's...

That's not even injured, is it?

That's ideal.

All right, I think you're just...

you're taking advantage of me.

No, I'm not.

I'm not taking advantage.

Thank you.

I feel numb.

Just as I began to feel better, it seemed Ricky began feeling worse.

So, I decided to gently explore what in the world could possibly be bothering his lily, white ass.

♪

Hey.

Hey.

Why... why did... why did you tell me you couldn't skate?

'Cause I can't, all right?

But you can. I just saw you.

You're so graceful.

Why did you tell me you can't skate?

Well, it's... my... my feet hurt, okay?

Really bad.

Well, cut the corn.

It's not a corn. It's an ingrown toenail.

Same thing. Corn, ingrown toenail, bunion, shmunion, Frankenstein toe, Doo-Doo face, monkey bird, cockatoofy, and tusha-moofy. I don't give a sh*t.

That's right. I said it.

I've been waitin' for you for 40 years, bubby.

I'll meet you on the ice in five, huh?

(Groans)

Yah.

Yah.

Yah.

Yah.

Yah.

Yah.

Four minutes...

'Cause that took a minute.

Yah.

Yah.

Yah. Okay.

Oh, I felt like Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas day.

You, boy, what day is this?

Why, it's the day you find the perfect skating partner.

Oh, thank you, boy!

Now, go, and run, and buy a kosher turkey, and bring it to, uh, Bob, uh, uh, Crap... Crapshits, or whatever the name was.

(Laughing)

I will train him, and he will become the ice fairy that I know is burning deep within his loins.

Ricky was born to skate.

More specifically, he was born to be my skating partner and make me look good.

(Whistle blows)

Oh, my god.

♪

Beautiful form. So graceful.

It's a little boring what you're doing.

I'm not gonna lie.

There ya go! Wave that arm.

Don't look at me. Look at the ice.

Look at the crowd.

Envision the glory, the medal...

The gold medal at the Faux Olympics.

Jot those legs.

Use your knees.

Come on, now. We've only got an hour left on this rink.

There's no sensuality. There's no grace.

There's no form.

There's nothing.

I want sex.

Get your hips into it. Use your hips.

Don't look at me.

How dare you look at me.

You skate like Larry Flynt talks. Come on, boy.

I want your soul on display, so I can crush it.

Ooh-ooh!

How dare you embarrass me in front of Jonathan.

How dare you coach me like this, okay?

It's really hard for me to c... concentrate on my performance when you constantly berate for me.

Skate for me, you little Canadian, fairy boy.

(Laughs)

O... okay, that was mean.

I didn't mean to call you a Canadian.

(Laughing)

♪

There we go.

Yeah!

If you'd like, I'll cover the rink in tapioca pudding.

I know how you love tapioca.

You're worse on ice than Tequila.

For a Canadian, you skate like a Mexican.

Come on! Let's do this!

I may be hard on little Rickola, but it's only because, when I look at him, I see a gay Johnny Weir.

I've taken it upon myself to swaddle [Indistinct] Ricky in a cocoon of fashion, and transform him into a beautiful, little butterfly of razzle and dazzle.

He... he... he... he doesn't have what I call "kishkes."

He doesn't have the kishkes.

No?

No.

Oh... that's fine.

You look like a Cuban hairdresser.

You... you do.

Daneen, what do you think?

I think the ruffles work for you.

Really?

Daneen: Yeah, I think so.

They add a little flare to it.

The ruffles look like taco lettuce.

I love it.

Ooh!

I love the sparklies.

They work.

I would like to put more.

Maybe down on his chest, around his nipples.

Says sex.

It says lust. It says power.

I think you look divine.

I mean, really, like an angel from heaven.

I wanna see how it... it looks when it's dynamic.

So, show me some poses, kinetic poses.

I'm not gonna pose...

Pose right now, I say.

(Sighs)

Oh, my god, it's coming to life.

I think it works.

♪

I think it's absolutely perfect.

It's... it's somethin'.

I love it. I love it.

I love it, I love it, I love it.

Stop looking there.

That can be fixed. That can be addressed.

You look wonderful, truly.

I love it. How do you feel in it?

There's no way.

There is no way.

I'm never wearing this, ever again, outside of this, for you guys.

Twirl for me. Do a twirl.

No! No, I am not comfortable in this!

You can see every nook and cranny, and bruise, and bump that I've ever had, since I was a child, in this outfit.

And I am not gonna parade around on an ice rink, in front of people, in this.

Yes, you are.

I won't!

Yes, you will.

No!

Yes.

No!

I'm sorry. N... no way!

You can see his d*ck.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I think so.

Why? You didn't look?

I wasn't paying attention.

Yeah, you looked.

Come on.

No.

No?

Yeah, maybe. No.

I did.

Well, my ice fairy stormed off on me.

For the record, you've never seen Robin storm off on Batman when Batman picked out his tights for him.

I guess this old bat will go without her Robin and skate solo.

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

Here's a ten.

Oh, no, no, no, I said a ten men's.

That's a massive shoe. Massive.

I understand. I know my feet.

I've been walkin' on 'em for 76 years.

Please bring me a ten men's.

A ten in men's.

Oh, god.

Here you go.

(Gasps)

Ricky.

Oh... thank you. Uh, listen, uh-uh, you must be so angry at me. I'm...

I'm... I was thinkin' about what happened yesterday, and I'm... I'm just terribly sorry.

You know, I get carried away.

I, um...

Hey.

I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

I don't care if you... if you wanna skate, or you don't wanna skate, or you can, or you can't.

I just want you to be happy, my Rickola.

I just want you to be happy.

I lied to you.

Um, skating's a lot for me.

I was a really great skater, in Canada, like Olympic level.

My dad was my skating coach, but he was, uh, an angry, kinda violent guy, and he would bite me any time I would make a mistake.

So, it's, like, really traumatic...

What... what? for me to get on the ice.

He would what?

Your dad would what?

He'd bite me.

He would bite you?

Yeah.

Where would he bite you?

J... just on the arm.

This arm?

He wouldn't break skin.

I kissed the boo-boo.

(Chuckles)

Oh, Ricky, I didn't real... this must be traumatic for you.

I was burying it.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

I had it bottled in.

Never mind, sir.

Let's, uh, let's go home.

Come on. Let's go home.

Come on.

No.

No.

I can do this.

We can do this, you and me.

We can?

Yeah.

Eight and a half, men's.

(Chuckles)

Oh, Ricky.

Yeah.

Oh, my god.

We'll be talkin' about this for years.

Ricky and Gigi take the ice.

I wish you would've shaved your goatee, though.

I asked you nicely.

I'm not getting rid of my go...

Don't make me ask again. Come on.

I'm not getting rid of my go...

Let's do this. Come on.

Okay.

(Laughs)

♪

(Laughs)

♪

Not the breast.

What do you mean?

Touch it. It's better.

I... I'm not touching your breast.

It's better. It's more dramatic.

No.

Put your hand on my tit.

I'm not touching your tit.

Yes, you will.

No!

Come back here and put your hand on my tits!

You son of bitch, you ruined it.

It was so good up until that point.

I think your hand should end up on my tit. I'm just sayin'.

The world hasn't seen a more dynamic and flamboyant pair since the likes of Patrick Swayze and that self-hating Jewish girl.

You know, I may never skate again, but it was so glorious to feel the rush of performance and the thrill of the skate.

And I know that somewhere up there, my Harold is proud of me.

Who knows?

Maybe he's up there ice skating with the late, great Nancy Kerrigan.

She better keep her filthy paws off o you, Harold.

(Laughs)

You hear me, bitch?

I'll smash you with a pipe, if I have to.

Wait a second. Nancy Kerrigan's alive.

♪

Okay. Ooh, you... are you tense.

My goodness.

Oh, you're sore, huh? Where are you sore, sweetheart?

Uh, lower back.

Lower back, yeah.

You know how to take care of that?

You do the gluteus.

Oh, you're... you're a...

Yeah, there ya go. Then, you grab it.

You grab it.

You squeeze it.

You're so sore from yesterday, huh?

You gave it your all, didn't ya?

Now, do me a favor, love. Turn over.

Turn over. I'm not gonna look.

(Groans)

I'm so relaxed.

Yeah, well, I'm... I'm one of the best.

Okay.

Are you comfortable?

Yeah.

Are you, uh, are you perfectly comfortable?

Yeah.

Um, Ricky, mmm...

Uh, can we talk?