01x04 - Episode Four

Episode transcripts for the TV show "You, Me and the Apocalypse". Aired September 30 - December 2, 2015.
"You, Me and the Apocalypse" follows what happens when an eclectic group of individuals are forced to survive together as an eight-mile wide comet heads towards Earth.
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01x04 - Episode Four

Post by bunniefuu »

Some guy posted a video on the web this morning and he says you're a t*rror1st helping him wage w*r on America.

They call me the White Horse.

Shut up!

There is a bunker. It can keep 15 people alive for up to a century.

Any time you want to thank me for saving you, just chime on in.

I'm looking for my birth mum, Mary.

That's where she lives now.

It's a private psychiatric clinic in Scotland.

That is the last time I ever try to use reason with an angry mob.

Who are they?

And what do you want us to do when we find them?

♪ I can see clearly now the rain is gone ♪

See that? That's what's gonna k*ll everyone.

Any second now.

Doesn't matter who you are.

Who you pray to.

Black or white, straight or gay, rich or poor.

♪ It's gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day ♪

And where am I? In Slough.

Or, rather, under Slough.

Watching it on telly.

'One minute, now. One minute.

'Er, these pictures coming live to us from Hubble.'

Are we really the future of Mankind?

Cos it seems like we're starting with a very shallow gene pool!

More of a gene puddle, really.

'It's time to brace ourselves to say goodbye.'

Well, don't stop.

You are going to do your job. Close down I-72.

No, you're not.

You wanna worry less about that comet and more about my boot, which is gonna be so far up your...

Hold on, Laverne.

Excuse me, sir!

We're searching for two fugitives believed to be in these parts.

Female. One late 40s, tattoo on her forehead.

The other mid-30s. Seen 'em?

No, ma'am.

They, ah... dangerous?

Oh, yeah.

We're not playing games here.


Looks like you get to keep your b*lls.

Sorry about this.

Look, I want road blocks on 88 and 27.

I don't know.

Either it hits or it don't.

You and me thinking about it ain't gonna change a damn thing.

OK. We're almost there.

Now, don't forget the deal. I get you into the NSA and the Face-Chaser you get me to my mom, right?

We haven't forgotten.

Because I've been here like almost a week now and it sucks! Well, I've been trying.

Well, if you'd done it quicker.

They've upped their game since the last time I dropped by.

You know, you guys aren't like I imagined.

I thought DSX were all about sticking it to the man, but all you want to do is stalk girls!

It isn't stalking!

Ah, kind of is, dude.

I assure you, once we're into the NSA, we will also be wreaking havoc!

So, why are you trying to find her?

Did she turn you down for Prom?

You always thought, "One day, she will be mine."

Oh, yes. Except suddenly, there aren't many days left.

For the final time, Spike, there is no comet.


And... we... are..in.

Gentlemen, I give you Face-Chaser.

Good work, kid!

Now can we find my mom?

Dude! What the hell?


You're joking, right? We're not gonna sh**t him!

Well I don't want to, hon, but I mean he's gonna call the cops. Duh!

Please, I-I-I have a family, a wife, kids.

Just take my boat.

OK. This is insane!

Oh, is it? It's insane?

How much do you want to stay free? How much does your family mean to you?

A lot. But it doesn't mean I'm gonna start k*lling people!

I bet you would if it came right down to it.

No. I'm not you, OK?

Could you tell me your wife's phone number?


Because we're gonna leave you here.

And I'll call her later and tell her how to find you.


(Knocks) Hey, kid. You OK?

Just keep your mouth shut, yeah? Don't wind him up.

I thought you guys wanted to change the world?

He's not as smart as you think.

He's a genius.

And what if he's wrong about the comet?

Do yourself a favour.

You're in the NSA now. Take a look around, huh?

See whether you think it's a hoax.

I don't mind sharing my caseload.

I mind sharing it with someone who's not up to the task.

Father Christophe is tipped for some great things round here.

Oh... history teaches us that being "tipped for great things" around here is a fool-proof barometer of intellect and moral fibre.

Father Jude, this is not a request.

It's an order.

(Jovial chatter)

(Woman giggles)

His face was so funny!

I kept trying, and pushing him...


I was just telling your lovely researcher some old stories about you.

From the seminary.

I'm looking forward to working with you again.

What an honour that the Cardinal has entrusted us with such an important task.

I was just showing Father Christophe some of our case files.

Well, if you need help with any of the big words, just give me a shout.


I see you have lost none of your charm.

I won't stay.

I know how busy you are.

I'll take these to be getting on with.

We must do this again some time.

So this is it, mate.

Somewhere, beyond these walls is the woman from whom you emerged.

The wizard who magicked you from her sleeve. Big moment, this.

No, not really. Just one more step towards Layla.

Just go in, ask her where my brother is, get out. Simple.

'Read the sign. Piss off.'

Well, that was worth six days of hitch-hiking.

"In accordance with section 7 of the Emergency Apocalypse Act..."

Blah, blah, blah...

"...property has been seized by the Government..." blah, blah, blah...

"Access and egress is restricted."

Yeah, basically, "Piss off. No visitors."

So, is this where you fall into despair and I do the wind beneath your wings thing?

No. We just skip to Plan B.

No wind required.

Cheers. Here's to the "Alcopopalypse"!

I'm not buying it, by the way.

You're crapping it about meeting your real mum, aren't you?


I'm crapping it in case something happens to Layla before I can get to her.

I'm entirely ambivalent about the woman who abandoned me in a car park.

She's just the means to finding my wife.

No, no. You care. You always care. That's your thing.

Yeah, well, maybe I'm changing.

Maybe a bit of you is rubbing off on me!

What, are you dancing?!

You never dance!

I like Father Christophe. He's charming.

Easy on the eyes.


You are jealous, aren't you?

Because he's famous and you are not.

He saved all those hostages in the bank.

The fellow was armed to the teeth with a toy g*n!

Christophe did not know it was fake.

He says!

The big phoney!

Right. Which freak are we investigating now?

Giovanni Cordi, proclaimed himself Messiah on social media.

Says he will prove it by performing a miracle at 5pm.

A jumper.

Our boy's just arrived. We could just do it here.

Too many people.

Too risky.

Well, hello!

Come... come on!

Shut your mouth!

Here we go!

♪, huh?!

Here you go!

Shit scary.

Girl, we on vacation.



We in business, girl. I mean...

Do you want the honeymoon or the presidential suite?

I don't care, just as long as it has a tub. Oh, my God, I'm gonna take a bath!

I'm gonna smell human again!

Yeah, you stinky, girl. Like a d*ad alligator.

All right.

Hop to it, lady.

(Camera shutters click)

He says he wants to talk to you, Father.

Have you ever done anything like this before?

Uh, no.

We have a trained negotiator on the way. Maybe we wait?

I'd like to do it.

What if he is suicidal? Leave it to the experts.

I think I can help him.

Is this about Christophe?

Is that it?

You would risk a man's life for your own moment in front of the cameras?

Is that really what you think of me?



For God's sake, Ariel, stop looking for her! This is important!

Is this about the kid, cos I'm getting a little bored.

It's not a f*cking hoax!

The comet's real! You were wrong.

Read this. All of it.

We're dying.

We got 26 days, man!

Father Jude? Thank you for coming.

(Crowd gasps)

(Breaking up) You asked me to come.

Sister, we have audio now.

'Everybody loves a miracle.'

Do you mind my asking what the plan is?

I'm going to step off.

At exactly five o'clock.

And the encore?

I die.

Live on the television.

In front of millions!

I'm no Messiah.

I just want people to watch.

I want the world to know...

...what the Church did to me.

What this man did to me.


Nobody listened...

...when I told them with a reasonable voice.


Do you want a hand?

You want to help?


Cos that guy sounds like he was a f*cking arsehole.

Give me some flyers.

I say some pretty strong things about the Church, too.

The Church isn't God. It's just people.

Most of them good.

Some not so good.

No, this is a tactic.

They teach you to gain my trust, to talk me down.

I promise you...

...I have no idea what I'm doing.


Sister, this is terrible.

I know. This poor man.

I mean the flyers!

Why the hell is Jude helping him?

Ooh, hon, I found us some bourbon and some candy.

I am gonna rock out with my cock out! Yee-ho!

Oh! You didn't find any razors, did you?

I look like a Sasquatch.


Hope like they still got the dirty channels on the TV.

Oh, cos I'm feeling real tense.

I could use me a little feminine release, if you know what I mean? Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Leanne, do you remember the conversation we had about too much information!

There's a man outside the window!

Did he see your face?

He saw everything!


Hey, you hands up!

Stop right there, buster, or I swear to God I will sh**t you right in the b*lls, sir.

Please don't hurt me!


Did you call the cops, son?


Oh, really? Now, why don't I believe you?

Yeah! No!

Did you call the mother-f*cking cops?



For God's sakes, Leanne, he's just a kid.

He's got fingers. He can dial a phone like anyone else.

Look at me. Look at me! Did you call the cops?

No. I swear.

Do you still get the adult channels here?

Er, yeah.

Channels 60 to 84.

So I hear.

Do me a favour.

Why don't you go treat yourself to a feminine release?

OK? I got this.

Her bark's worse than her bite.

You're safe.

I promise.

We just need some place to stay for a few hours.

You live here?

M-my mom owns the place.

Where is she?

I don't know. When the comet happened, she took off with this guy.

Said she'd be back in a couple of days.

That was like a week ago.


My son loves that game.

Do you wanna play?

I know it's hard, but there is still good to be done here.

These aren't rubberneckers.

They're here to see a miracle.

You jump, it's just one more depressing thing to forget about.

You give them a hopeful ending...

...and your story will go everywhere.

I'm still doing it.

All right.

I wasn't gonna tell you this.

Because there are people listening.

But I have no other alternative now.

I read your file.

You have children.

I am begging you.

Don't do this to them.

'My father k*lled himself when I was 14. And believe me when I tell you' they will never get over it.

They'll think about it every day.

Think about you, this.

They will b*at themselves up.

They will blame themselves.

Until one day, they may think about k*lling themselves.

And then that man on the flyer will have ruined their lives as well.

This is good.

Very good.

And what saved you?


God spoke to me.

He told me I mattered.

But he isn't speaking to me.

But I am.


...you matter.

And you are loved.

(Clock chimes five)

Don't do this.

Please don't do this.

'Please don't do this.'

Father, you are right.

I want them to tell my story.

Father? Are you all right?

Yeah. I think it's just a post-adrenaline thing and I've a shaky leg issue happening.

Seriously? Come on.

I know. It's great!

We can easily spin this in our favour now.

It's "Priest saves sinner".

Jude, I am so sorry. I did not know.

You were right about Christophe.

(Christophe) We will all pray for you.

OK. It's clear.

Who's looking after these poor sods?

Let's just stay focused, OK?

It's not our problem.

OK. Which one is she?

How should I know?

Look for the one with the bum chin.

I don't have a...



Mate, over here.

That's her. That's who made you.

You all right?




Are you there?


'26 days!'

I had so much I wanted to do.

I was gonna rip this world a new one.

Yeah? Well, now God's gonna do it for you.

At least let the kid go, huh?

I mean, what does it matter now?

We just got to cross our fingers. Hope Saviour works.

No. Why should we?

The Cold w*r... there were contingencies.

Nukes went off, we were toast, but the guys with their fingers on the button... they all had bunkers.

Well, there must be a Plan B.

And we're gonna find it.

Cos we're DS-f*cking-X and that's what we do.

We steal secrets.

If there's a way of surviving this, we're gonna get in on it, right?

Mary, please. It's me.

Mate, let's get what we need before someone comes.

OK. Yeah. I'm trying to.


It's Jamie!

I need to know about my brother, Ariel.

I need to know where I can find him.

Hey! Hey, hang on! Yes!

A bill for her treatment and there's an address for who's paying.

Who the hell's Claire Roony?

I thought Ariel was paying the bills. That's the whole reason we came here.


Hang on. Hang on.


Yes! Look.

Claire Roony, it's an anagram.

See? Told you all those years of watching Countdown would pay off!

Let's go.

No, no, no, no, no. Look. We got what you wanted.

It's your brother's address.

Jamie, Layla could be there right now!

She said my name.

Yeah. Ages ago!

Maybe if we wait another hour, she'll say something else. Look at her!

She's gone, man. Let's go!

You were right. I can't help caring.

No, you were right. This is not your problem.

I can't just leave her! I mean, look at this place!

She's part of me.

Are you serious?!

We can barely look after ourselves, let alone a...

(Man sings in distance)

(Sings along to music)


I'm from the agency.

Oh, thank God! The cavalry!


You've got no idea what it's been like here.

Three of us holding this whole place together for the last week.

Everyone else scarpered after they announced the comet.

And every day, they've been dumping more poor sods on us.


The end of the world. Some people can't handle it. They cr*ck.

Hello, Bonesy.

Caught another of them skag-heads breaking in this morning looking for a fix.

They won't be doing that again in a hurry, know what I mean?


All right, pal?

You new?


If you see any intruders, you just shout, yeah?


Right. Let's get some dr*gs in them.


Sedate them.

I'll get some water.


You really are new.

All we've got left are suppositories.

Shall we start with the new guy?


You're gonna need gloves, mate.



I was ill the day we did it on my course.

Don't worry, it's not brain surgery.

That's the other end. It's much harder.

Right. Go on, then. Get in there.

Forgetting something?


Oh, come on. Don't be shy.

You don't want it to pop out, do you?


We wouldn't want to do this twice, would we?

You've actually got really good fingers for this.

Nice and long.

Thanks. I used to play the piano.

Momma's juice needs some ice!


(g*n clicks)

You know, you're pretty cool.

Aw, thanks!

Spike's lucky.

Oh, well see, I think I'm the lucky one.

Spike kinda saved me.

What, why?

Well, um, my first husband, Spike's dad, he wasn't very nice to me.

I had to get out of there. It was pretty bad, actually.

I had nothing. No job, no house, no money.

All I had was Spike.

But every afternoon we would watch SpongeBob together, and he would fall asleep on me.

I'd just lie there, watching him.

He had these sweaty little palms, but he was always so peaceful.

Made it seem like everything was gonna be OK.

Couldn't have got through it without him.

Yes! Stabbed you in the face!

Suck it, loser!

(Loudspeaker outside) 'Rhonda McNeil. This is the police.

'Come out with your hands up.'


What? I don't understand.

How is this happening?

I'm sorry.

I called them when you broke in.

I didn't know you were nice!

I'm sure if you just hand yourself in, they'll totally understand.

No, no! They think I'm a t*rror1st, OK?

I am never gonna see my family again. Oh, my God. OK!

OK, there's gotta be another way out of here, right?

'Rhonda, it's over. We have Leanne.

'Let the boy go. He has nothing to do with this.'

I'm sorry, OK?


I'm sorry.

OK. I'm coming out.

Move back! All of you!

I'll do it, I swear to God!

I said, "Get back!"

I just need to phone the missus up. See you next door in five, yeah?

We'll never speak of this again.

Agreed. Whatever the opposite of bucket list is, that's on mine.

Let's just get Mary and go.


Hope you know what you're doing, man.

OK. We're good.

Mate, come on!

We need to g...



No! We need to move, now!

Oh, Dave! I've taken worse than that one.

All right. Let's not do anything dumb here, Rhonda.

Oh, I think we passed through dumb a long time ago.


Where's Leanne?

Right here, darlin'.

Un-cuff her!

Now! Now!

That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, yeah!

That's good stuff. You know what, I'm just gonna take this off you as a thank you.

Oh, now. Look at these good-lookin' cops they got around these parts.

Is that a r*fle you're pointing or are you just happy to see me?

No-one moves unless I say so, OK?

Um, you might want to tell 'em to drop their w*apon, hon.

Right. Yes.

I should have said that earlier.

She's new.

OK. You heard her. Drop 'em!

Oh, yeah. Now I had my eye on this one.

This cost you a pretty penny. I can tell you that much.

I'm gonna have to get me one of them government jobs.

I'll join the FBI.

Leanne, ideas?

Oh, I can take it from here, sweet pea.

Now, I got some bad news for you folks.

The lady holding the g*n to the kid's head is the voice of reason in this scenario.

But I'm Leanne and we gonna play a little game called 'Leanne Says'.

Rules are real simple.

I'm gonna say something and you're gonna do it or I'm gonna sh**t ya.

First one. Leanne says, "Pop your trunk and drop your keys."

Come on, hop to it, people.

I ain't playing God all day.

That's good over... come on left side, I'm not f*cking around over here!


That right side is putting you to shame.

All right.

Leanne says, "All y'all get in your trunks."

Now, that was kind of a giveaway.

I want you to stay put, Little Miss Priss.

There you go. Yeah, that's good.

OK. Come on. Come on!

Look at this cute little couple.

This is just like The Dating Game!

Y'all gonna be engaged to be married by the end of this shit!

Good God!

Oh. Who have we here?

Oh, now I don't want you guys to become h*m*.

So you bear that in mind.

That's against God.

Oh, look at here...

Rhonda, look at me.

I've read your file.

This isn't you.

That was like taking candy from a baby!

Apparently it is now.

You've got a boy, haven't you?

Can you really bring yourself to do it? Could you live with yourself?

Oh, my God. Shut up and get in the car. What are you doing, a monologue?

Rhonda McNeil, we did it!

Woo-hoo! We got mother-f*ck' Starsky and Hutch!

I'm sorry.

Woo-hoo! Yeah!

(Alarm sounds)



In we go. One, two!

That's it.

We've got to go! Come on!

(Alarm continues)

Is that you, pal?


Hey! What are you doing?

(Engine stutters)

You're joking!


You! You, out now!

Just get out!

I did not stick my fingers up his bum for this!

(Engine starts)



Hey, bring that back! *

Hey! Come back, you bastard!



So how do you want to play this? Lost tourist?

It's never failed us yet.

(Christophe on TV) 'We were all praying for you.'

He is taking all the credit.

Good. I don't want it.

Jude, please talk to me.

He scares me.

Because he works for himself and not the truth.

The Church, the faithful, they all want a Messiah.

And the pressure is tremendous.

And you have to have backbone to stand up to that.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm a good man.

I have done things I'm deeply ashamed of.


...I'm trying to do better.

All I want from you is to be here in the morning to help me.

You are right.

Father Christophe... he is very, very punchable.

Well, at least we agree on something!

I'll see you in the morning.

(Max) OK. Long story short, I did some pretty awesome shit and I found 'em.

This is who's planning Saviour.

And the back-up plan.

There's a bunker, and this is the secret unit behind it.


Two guys round a kitchen table?!

The point is this guy.

Scotty McNeil.

'Gonna work really well up here.'

You are kidding?

No. I checked his Facebook.

It's the kid's fricking uncle!

There are seven billion people on this planet and we've got this guy's nephew?

I know, right. Which got me thinking.

Dude, what if this is more than chance?

What if there's like a higher power at work here?

Max, we're atheists.

I know, but we were wrong about the comet, right?

I mean, you heard. They're looking for people to go into a bunker.

We're in his laptop now. It's only a matter of time before we break the encryption on his files.

It's like too good to be true!

What are you saying?

I'm saying, "What if God exists?

"What if he wants us in that bunker?

"What if we are the chosen ones?"

You're lucky she's here, cos if it was up to me, I'd sh**t ya.

But Rhonda is a good girl.

And I think you should know that about her.

You have a good night now, ma'am.

Feeling it now, huh? The guilt?

You need to let me go and give yourself up.

I can't go back to jail.

You need to know I didn't choose any of this.

No, you did. You chose to point a g*n at a child.

That's who you are now.

Been hanging out with your friend for too long.

Have a good night.

You know I'm not gonna stop, right?

I will find you.

Oh, excuse me, Father, do you speak English?

I do.

Oh gosh, this is so embarrassing. I'm trying to find my hotel.

I dumped my bags, went to dinner, and have no idea where I am.

I think it's down here somewhere.

Oh. Mosquitoes out tonight, huh?

(Max) I'm gonna go see my family.

I haven't seen them since the comet.

And I want to tell them about the bunker.


I mean, we shouldn't just save ourselves, right?


Just my mom and dad.

And my sister. Maybe a few cousins.

I mean, that's OK, right?

There's nothing more important to me than family.


I was worried you were gonna be funny about it.

We're not gonna hurt the kid, are we?

Course not!

The kid's the bargaining chip.

I need the kid.

It's you I don't need any more.

That's what happens to idiots.

Don't be an idiot, Spike.

I thought we could go inconspicuous.

And the curtain rises on this evening's show.


Reward for this b*tch, only gonna go up.

Throw me the envelope or the kid dies. Now!
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