01x05 - Walk the Swine

[bunniefuu]

So, big guest tonight on "Up Late."

Ah, we have Reese Witherspoon for the first time, but, ah, honestly, I'm a little nervous.

You know, but nerves are good. They keep you sharp.

My cousin Albert used to tease me about it.

Then a hawk carried him off, which, uh, simultaneously proved my point and ruined our camping trip.

What... what is this?

Got drinks for Bobo and John Q. Public.

John Q. Public? Why not go with "Floyd," Floyd?

You never use your real name.

They'll have drones over your house by nightfall.

[Chuckles]

Bobo?

Oh. Yes, sir?

What is this truck doing here?

Oh, ah, Piggy got it for the crew.

But this is where Reese Witherspoon has to park.

Well, I told Piggy that, and she said, "have her park at the structure."

And I said, "well, that's really far, and it fills up early."

And she said, "La, la, la. I can't hear you."

[Horn honking]

Come on, come on, come on, come on! Move your car! I'm driving here!

Yeah, excuse me, sir. I'm sor... I'm I'll be right with you. sorry, but your... truck is...

What can I get you?

Ah. Mocha frappé.

Extra whip.

Drizzled with one leisurely pump of caramel.

[Horn honks]

[Moans]

Piggy's obviously still holding a grudge over losing the lead in "Walk the Line" to Reese...

Wha...

Who went on to win the Oscar.

Yeah, but I thought that grudge was replaced by the Natalie Portman grudge for stealing "Black Swan."

That was just a decoy grudge.

It's always been Witherspoon.

Well...

Always.

Okay.

Slow your pump, young man.

Slow.

[Crash]

Aah!

[Grunting and groaning]

Rizzo: Hey! What gives?!

What the...

Rizzo!

What?

You hit my car! My brand-new car!

Come on. It's just a scratch.

My airbag went off!

Faulty airbag, dented door... looks like you got a lemon, my friend.

Are you... what?! Ugh!

Come to think about it, my neck's starting to hurt.

Ohh.

♪

[Ding]

♪ Ooh!

Yeah!

♪ Unh!

Hmm. Time to get things started.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, Reese?

Oh, hey, Kermit.

L-listen, I'm really sorry about that whole parking thing.

Oh, no problem. I left my car with the valet.

Valet? Well, I didn't know we had a valet.

I'm definitely gonna look into that. But listen, could you please do me a favor and not bring up your Oscar?

Is Piggy still upset about that?

Mm-hmm.

I find that surprising.

She sent me this beautiful basket of homemade muffins in my dressing room.

Don't eat 'em.

Piggy: The wickedly talented Reese Witherspoon!

[Applause]

Oh, find Reese's car and get rid of the muffins in her dressing room.

Oh, and, uh... wear gloves.

[Sighs]

[Mutters] Miss Piggy.

What's she gonna say? What's she gonna do?

Oh, this is awful.

Hey, boss? If my car is hit on [Gasps] studio property by another employee...

Not now. Not now. Not now!

No, no, wait... I just need to know one thing!

So, Reese!

I can't believe we've never had you on before.

I know. I've always wanted to do your show.

Oh, I guess you've been pretty busy since you won your Oscar.

[Chuckles]

Actually, that was quite awhile ago.

Yet here you are, still talking about it.

Well, you brought it up.

No, you brought it up.

No, I'm pretty sure you brought it up.

No, no, no, that was you.

Anyway, winning the Oscar helped me bring attention to Habitat for Humanity, which is something I actually do like talking about.

Oh, I love that organization!

It's the one with the... thing and the... people who need the stuff.

[Groans]

Uh, actually, we help families in need build houses.

So do I!

And after I build four houses, I replace them with a hotel.

You know, actually, I'm gonna be on a construction site tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

I'm going to a construction site tomorrow.

Oh, really? Well, maybe we're going to the same one.

Ohh, I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Laughter]

Piggy will stop at nothing to even the score.

I mean, I broke up with her, and I know my day's coming.

[Sighs]

That's why I say a little prayer every time I start my car.

[Breathing deeply]

Oh, excuse me.

Oh. Sorry.

Sorry, buddy. Yeah.

Thanks, pal.

[Breathing deeply]

Geez! Are you hyperventilating?

That accident was hours ago.

Oh, uh, no, no, I'm not. Um, see this bag?

I had a meatloaf sandwich in it, which reminds me of my mom, which calms me down, 'cause she's my best friend.

Yeah, well, put down your meat bag, Chief.

We're just gonna work this out between us. No insurance.

Your premiums will go up, you'll be labeled an unsafe driver...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't want that.

I was labeled enough as a kid.

"Confidence deficit disorder."

[Scoffs] I don't have that.

Wait. Do I? I don't know. What do you think?

Whatever. Look, look. My cousin... he has a body shop downtown.

He'll fix it up like new and even hook you up with a loaner.

Ask for Frankie.

This says "Joey."

Yeah.

Well, that's 'cause there's a guy who wants to k*ll him, but he's a wizard with a dent-puller and a rubber mallet.

Oh, and when you approach him, er, just make sure he can see both your hands. Yeah.

Uh...

Steady as she goes...

Oh, oh. Now it's stuck on your... oh, well done.

[Knock on door]

Hmm.

Uh, hey, Piggy?

She's just getting out of her Spanx.

Oh.

Extra tight for Reese.

Ah. Okay.

[Piggy gasps]

Oh. Here you go.

Mm.

Oh, you've worked very hard tonight.

Brava!

[Gasping]

Whoo!

Uh, listen, Piggy, will you please not try to build a house with Reese?

You're doing this for all the wrong reasons.

No, I'm not. I'm doing this to show up Reese in front of the press.

But that's...

A perfect reason.

No, it's...

A perfect reason!

Say it.

Absolutely not.

All right. I'll say it for you, then.

Whoop! "A perfect reason!"

See, I knew you'd come around.

Well, thanks for stopping by.

Always a pleasure!

Piggy!

Piggy!

[Sighs]

And that is why I always carry galoshes.

[Laughs]

[Audience groans]

What... what is this? He said he'd be doing new stuff.

Sí. His jokes are so cheesy.

Oh, says the shrimp in the turtleneck and gold chain.

You look like you're in a Boyz II Men video.

Hey, you dress for the job you want to have, okay.

So, what else is going on?

I have a new girlfriend. Yeah, yeah.

Her name's Becky. She's smart, funny... sexy.

Oh, my God. That's about me!

There's just one little issue...

She sweats like a lumberjack eating Indian food in a sauna!

[Laughter]

It makes sense, though.

Becky's mother's Dutch and her dad's a lawn sprinkler.

[Laughter]

The other night we were just cuddled up, watching a movie.

It was like I was riding a human slip 'n slide!

[Laughs]

What's the matter with her? She's the star of the show.

You know nothing about the women, okay.

I told you to read my romance blog, but, no, you have to play with your little trains.

What? You're here with us tonight. How good are you doin'?

[Scoffs] Even God rested on Sunday.

[Applause] Well, that's my time.

You've been a great crowd.

I'm headed home to be with my girlfriend.

[Laughs]

Hey, sweetheart.

We apologize for this in advance, okay?

Sorry.

Whoo!

Yeah! You k*lled it, Fozzie!

That was great!

Great stuff.

Very funny.

Piggy: First, Reese throws her Oscar in my face.

Then, her charity work? Please!

I'm more like mother Teresa than she'll ever be.

I saw a documentary once about mother Teresa.

She was doing work with the, um, lepers or hepatitis or... ah, something.

And here's what I learned... charity work is all about the entrance.

Hello, humanity!

[Hammering, tools whirring]

Huh. Kind of a light turnout by the press.

Oh, there they are.

Yoo-hoo, cameraman!

No, I'm the surveyor.

Well, survey says... I'm fabulous!

Oh, wait. Would it be better if I did a pouty face to look concerned for humanity?

[Hums]

Ma'am, your work site's over there.

Hmm? Oh.

Thank you.

And I won't mind if you snap a few while I walk away.

That is the money. [Chuckles]

[Grunts] Oh, hey, Piggy!

Oh, hey, Reese Witherspoon!

You came to work...

In your ultra suede stiletto work booties?

Uh... I think you mean ultra suede stiletto booties that I worrrrk! [Laughs]

Okay, Piggy. Um, this is not a photo op.

There's no press here. We just came to build houses.

Oh. Well, I knew that.

That's the only reason I showed up.

Okay, great. Well, then let's get to work.

All right, then.

Hmph!

Okay.

[Straining] Here we go. [Thud]

[Gruff voice] Uh, yes, is this where you leave tips for extra?

Yeah, I'm a construction worker out here at the Habitat for Humanity site on Topanga, and you're not gonna believe who showed up to help us.

The incredibly beautiful Miss Piggy!

Oh, and Reese Witherspoon, who looks like she just rolled out of bed.

[Normal voice] Oh! Come quick. Gotta...

[Clears throat, gruff voice] Gotta go!

[Normal voice] Oh, hello, Reese!

I was just finishing the little pool house!

Man: I'll be out in a minute!

You're banging on a porta-potty with a pink, bedazzled hammer.

It's a pool house, and I was bringing it up to code.

Can you guys talk somewhere else?

Oh, put on your bathing suit and mind your own business!

Okay, look. If you're too soft, spoiled, and lazy to do manual labor, then you should just go home. I'm not judging you.

Look, sweet home Alabama, I know what it's like to work with my hands.

I grew up on a farm. I built cows and milked fences.

I think you mean that you...

No! That's what I did!

I will outwork you any day of the week.

Except Tuesday, because I have hot yoga.

Look, Piggy. This is a charity, not some sort of personal competition.

That said... you're going down.

What?

I'm not afraid of Miss Piggy.

She doesn't know what she's up against.

I mean, did you see my movie "Wild"?

I did all my own walking in that movie, so...

[Sighs] Boy.

Okay. Why don't I write the ending, you write the middle, and you write the beginning?

Well, how would I know when to stop?

Hmm. Good point.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey! How about last night, huh?

k*lled it! Pew! Pew!

[Chuckles]

Next time, I'm adding a joke about the way Becky's nose whistles.

It's like kissing a teakettle.

Whoa! It writes itself!

That is hilarious. Becky's gonna love that!

Wha... are you crazy? The woman was steaming...

Like a teakettle. [Gasps]

Ooh! It's true. They do write themselves.

[Laughs]

Fozzie: Ahh, she gets it.

I mean, if she wants the hooty-tooty lifestyle of dating a famous comic, she's gotta deal with her private shame being exploited for cheap laughs.

Well, good for you showing her who wears the pants...

Uh, the polka-dotted scarf in the relationship.

Thanks, guys.

[Sighs]

Dead bear walking.

[Gasps] I love Sean Penn!

Champagne? What are we celebrating?

No, Sean Penn.

Yeah, champagne.

No, Sean Penn. Dead man walkings.

That's what I...

Yeah, that's what I said. Champagne.

Sean Penn!

Oh, forget it.

Piggy: People underestimate me because I'm so glamorous.

What they don't understand is I'm a strong woman.

Hi-ya!

And that strength comes from my values, my courage...

And my dogged pursuit of vengeance.

[Humming]

Rizzo!

Yo!

You're not gonna believe this.

Oh, yeah?

The cops just gave me a $500 ticket for driving your cousin's loaner.

Yeah?

It had bad plates and lots of secret compartments I couldn't explain.

Uh... They were empty, weren't they?

Yeah.

Well, then what are you worried about?

Come on. Here, take this.

It's a card for my Uncle Tommy.

He's a lawyer. Just call him.

He'll make this all go away. You know, for a fee.

Lawyer/Fireworks Technician?

Yeah, when he wins a case, he likes to celebrate.

Don't over-think it, kid.

[Laughter]

So when Fozzie gets out of the shower, he goes outside, shakes off like a dog, and makes a sound like a ghost having a stroke.

[Laughter]

Okay. He's like, "oooh!

Woooo! Ooooooh!"

[Laughter]

There he... there he is.

Becky... what are you doing here?

You know, I was just thinking, since your friends know all about my personal quirks, I thought it would be hilarious if I told them about some of yours.

Yeah.

But... but...

Shaking off isn't a quirk. I-I'm a bear.

You shake off, too, right?

I-I have an associate's degree. I use a towel.

Oh, you guys want to hear another one?

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Well, Fozzie is very sentimental.

Yeah.

And when he hears a certain song...

Rizzo: Yeah?

...he gets very emotional.

N-not true. Not true!

♪ I see your true colors shining through ♪

[Whimpers]

♪ I see your true colors ♪
♪ And that's why I love you ♪

[Crying]

Ohh... Are you crying?

No!

All: ♪ So don't be afraid ♪
♪ To let them show ♪
♪ Your true colors ♪
♪ True colors ♪
♪ Are beautiful ♪
♪ Like a rainbow ♪

[Sobbing]

Ohh...

Who's sweating now?

Aah!

So, Becky and I came to the mutual decision that it's best to keep our personal lives personal.

[Sax solo of "True Colors" plays]

Not funny, Zoot!

[Sighs]

Ohh.

It's just hauntingly beautiful on a sax.

[Sighs]

Aw, don't feel bad, Reese.

This kind of work isn't for everybody.

If you want to take off, I totally understand.

I'm not judging you. [Chuckles]

What do you want me to say, Piggy?

That you won? Fine, you won at construction.

Leave the construction part off and say it again into my phone.

I need a new ringtone. [Chortles]

You know what my ringtone is?

Hmm?

The sound of people clapping when I won my Oscar.

Kaboom! Give me that!

Hey! That's mine!

Come and get it!

Give it!

Come and get it!

Aah!

[Screams]

[Gasps]

Am I the only one that felt that earthquake?

Oh, my God, it knocked down a house!

Whoops! Aftershock!

So I, uh, spoke to your Uncle Tommy.

Boy, that number works?

I-I mean, yeah, that number works.

And he made me wire him $1,000, and when I went to the address on the card, it was just a weird little hair salon.

Well, did you at least get your hair cut?

Yes, and then they upsold me a tube of product!

I don't know if I'm supposed to put it in wet or dry.

This is a disaster!

Okay, okay, look.

Here's what we're gonna do.

My nephew Angelo is a private investigator.

He's got a wonky eye, but, uh, he's...

No, no, no, no! No more relatives, no more cousins who fix cars, no more uncles who are lawyers.

I am using my own insurance, and I am taking my car to a regular shop.

Hey, alls I was doing was trying to help.

The least you could do is apologize and go 50/50 with me on this timeshare.

No. I am done with your nonsense!

Wow. This is right on the beach.

Yeah! The food, drinks... all included.

This thing with Reese is everywhere.

It's a P.R. nightmare.

Not now, Kermit.

It's the only video North Korea's allowing its people to see.

Other than the one of the supreme leader swimming.

Piggy?

Now, listen, Piggy. If we don't...

Close the door.

[Sighs] Piggy, we are losing guests.

Sponsors are threatening to pull out.

I-if we don't do...

[Sobbing]

Aw. Piggy?

I'm so embarrassed!

How could something like getting revenge on a person take such a dark turn?

Okay, look. Don't... don't worry.

I'll, ah... yeah I-I'll put out a press release to explain your behavior.

Are... are you more comfortable with sun poisoning or demonic possession?

No. Wait.

There's only one way out of this.

Delusional dehydration? That sounds like a thing.

I'm going to have Reese back on the show.

Why? So you can finish her off?

Geez, the last room you guys were in together doesn't even exist anymore!

The only way to shut this down is for me to swallow my pride and apologize to her.

Oh, I don't know, Piggy.

Kermit, this has been a tough year for me, what with our breakup and my Bichon's complications from the doggy facelift.

My point is, I can't take another setback right now.

Well...

Please, let me fix this.

[Sighs]

All right. I'll call Reese's people.

[Sighs softly]

Oh ah, you really gave a dog cosmetic surgery?

I had to!

People kept asking me if it was my mom's dog.

[Sighs]

Yeah.

[Shudders]

So it's a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, and... what is it for buffalo?

Man: Get off the stage!

No, see, someone was supposed to shout out "Herd of buffalo," and then I was gonna say, "Of course I've heard of buffalo!"

[Audience groans]

It's clever word-play.

[Groans]

I can't believe he went back to his old stuff. This is brutal.

Oh, come on. It's romantic is what it is.

He's bombing for the love of the womans.

He's making a room full of peoples miserable just for you... that must feel good.

Fozzie: My doctor said I need more exercise, so I fired him.

That probably b*rned a couple of calories.

Aah!

[Audience groaning]

[Moans]

Becky: Fozzie!

Tell us about your girlfriend!

Really?

Are you sure?

Okay.

My girlfriend, Becky... I love her.

But, boy, does that girl sweat.

It got so bad, I hired the mop boy from the Laker games to follow her around.

[Laughter]

Gonzo: That's great!

E-excuse me. As a fan of salty water, I have to ask.

Do you have a sister?

Aah! Aah! Hey! Hey!

[Grunts]

[Laughter]

Thank you so much for coming, Reese.

What happened at the construction site...

Wasn't our finest moment.

No, it wasn't, and I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry, Piggy.

[Applause]

Aww. That's so sweet of you, Reese.

Apology accepted.

And I have a couple of words I'd like to say to you.

Oh, please let those two words be "I'm sorry."

I'm ready to bleep if they're not.

I lost my temper.

It was the wrong thing to do.

But now there's something that I have to say...

To you.

W-why is she rhyming? What's... what's going on?

Hit it, teeth!

[Mid-tempo music plays]

♪ I'm sorry ♪
♪ So sorry ♪
♪ I'm sorry, forgive me ♪
♪ I'm awfully sorry that ♪
♪ Along the way mistakes were made ♪
♪ My actions, oh, so misportrayed ♪
♪ I'm sorry, forgive me ♪
♪ I'm sorry ♪
♪ Not remorseful or blue ♪
♪ I'm sorry for boo ♪
♪ Need to wipe the tears away ♪
♪ There's nothing more that moi can say ♪
♪ I'm sorry ♪
♪ So sorry ♪

I'm starting to think I got played.

Shh! You're ruining it.

♪ I'm ♪

Give it up for Miss Piggy!

[Applause, rap music plays]

♪ Oh, Reesie, baby girl ♪
♪ I must apologize ♪
♪ Your makeup looks so pretty ♪
♪ Almost as good as mine ♪
♪ Who cares about more likes? ♪
♪ Me... a lot ♪
♪ Come on, let's work it out ♪
♪ 'Cause we're hot, hot, hot. Hot! ♪
♪ I hear you say "I'm sorry" ♪
♪ It feels a little light ♪
♪ It's just not enough, girl, to really make it right ♪
♪ There is a reason ♪
♪ Don't you shed a tear ♪
♪ My apology, you see, is totally sincere ♪
♪ I know I'm not that perfect ♪
♪ Oh, wait, that's not so true ♪
♪ When it comes to pretty, it must be hard for you ♪
♪ Sorry, again ♪
♪ No beef, I squash it ♪
♪ You know I'm about the life ♪
♪ Come on, bae, let's rock it ♪
♪ So sorryyyyy ♪

[Cannon fire]

And that's how you apologize, Reese Witherspoon! I win!

I win! I win! I win!

[Feedback]

Don't go anywhere.

Coming up next, online coupon queen Kieran Kohlbrenner!

[Cheers and applause]

You gotta hand it to Piggy.

She made it very clear she was sorry.

[Chuckles]

Ah, that being said, we could've built two houses for what that apology cost.

[Clears throat]

You gotta laugh at yourself, especially if your boyfriend's a comic.

Yeah, so I make a few jokes.

She knows how important she is to me.

Aww.

[Sighs]

Wow!

I never noticed how big your feet are!

I-I feel like I'm on a ski lift with you!

You... you could win a 100-meter race just standing there.

[Laughs]

All right. I'm done.

[Laughing]

Eh.

My girlfriend, she's the only woman I know... who goes to the pedicurist for an estimate!

Aaaah!

Oh, I like that one. You... you got a pen? Yeah?