01x02 - Season 1, Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Seriously you have to do it faster.

But I'm pregnant.

Did you just say pregnant?

Hi.

You've got what's called cervical dysplasia.

What the hell is that?

It's what we call a pre-cancer.

Cancer?

I think you should marry me.

What?

Oh, God! Hurry up! I'm not going to come!

( He farts )

Hi.

Hi.

Do you want to go for a walk?

Sure. Where do you want to go?

No, I mean, do you want to go for a walk?

Oh. You mean, on my own?

Yeah. I don't want to be mean. I just need some space and you take up a lot of space.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

You're the second biggest thing in this flat after the bed.

You're bigger than the wardrobe.

Well, that's because your wardrobe is a joke.

It's not a joke.

It's roomy and practical.

If it's so roomy, then why are my clothes still in my suitcase?

It's roomy for my stuff.

You let me put my penis in your mouth, but you won't let me put my T-shirts in your drawer?

Please don't rush me, Rob.

OK, how long do you want me to go out for?

Just, you know, you decide. Just a couple of hours or half a day.

Not long.

So, I'll just go get some coffee.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, don't just get a coffee and come back.

Maybe go and see a movie.

It's 8:30 in the morning.

Well, I don't know. Just improvise. There's a whole world out there.

OK. Well, I'll get some groceries.

Yeah.

You're out of mint tea and those weird raw food bars that you like.

So I'll just head out, then.

Take your time!

Get out of the way, you f*cking idiot! f*cking w*nk*r!

Jesus!

What are you looking at?

A dog's sh1tting assh*le.

( Phone rings )

Hey, Mom.

Hey, baby. How you doing?

What time is it there? Are you OK?

Oh, yeah, it's 4am and I couldn't sleep, so I finally looked up this thing on the internet and you do not have to stay there, it's a different country.

They can't extradite you for failure to pay child support.

It's not like it's a w*r crime. It's just a foreign baby.

It's not a foreign baby. It's my baby. Your grandson.

I'm a dad, so I can, at the very least, give it a sh*t.

Your father didn't.

Jesus, Mom, what does that have to do with...?

( Phone beeps )

Mom, I've got to go, it's a guy I was trying to call. I will call you back.

Rob!

Fucker hung up on me.

Hey, Dave.

Rob Norris, you pant-sh1tting h*m*, what's happening, man? You live here now?

Yeah, yeah, for the time being.

Is it for work?

Well, it was at first but I kind of wound up getting a girl pregnant.

Whoa, what? What? You mean like underage?

No.

Well, you said girl.

I meant woman. An adult woman.

A teacher.

My God, that f*cking sucks, dude!

Not... Not really.

You need a job? You need money?

No. I have a job.

I'm calling because I don't know anybody here.

Well, sh*t, man! Let's get together. Your situation sounds f*cking awful.

I'd love to hear more about it.

Well, great. Can I come over now?

No. I've got to go to the Ukraine for business for a couple of days.

Let's do something when I get back.

Hey, you like the ballet?

Yeah, sure.

f*g! I'll call you when I'm back from Odessa.

Oh, God.

I know I was only gone an hour...

50 minutes.

.. but I bought you one of these.

It's bread, but it's all wrapped up like a present, and it only cost 17.50.

I love it.

And...

Ta-da!

Oh, that's so sweet.

I know, I'm selfless.

What are you doing?

Just being dainty.

You're squashing me.

Really? How? I'm just a sprite.

Well, no, really, seriously, you're hurting my arm. Just get off.

OK, sorry.

In fact, it was such a long and brutal w*r that some people even resorted to digging up bodies and eating them just to stay alive.

Oh, you think that's funny? Well, let's hope you never have to choose between digging up your grandmother and making a sandwich or starving to death, Jason.

I think it's amazing what you're doing.

What am I doing?

You're just like, "f*ck it. I'm single, I'm getting old and I'm just going to have this baby because I'm the boss of my life."

I'm not doing it on my own.

Rob asked me to marry him, so I'm going to do that.

I thought it was just a one night thing?

It was six nights. He was a six night thing.

Why do you want to get married?

Because I'm pregnant.

If I got married every time I got pregnant...

Do you know what I mean? It's not the 1930s.

No, it's the 2000s. There's like 300 wars happening around the globe.

I might like someone to shovel a path for me and my baby in the nuclear winter.

Well, just don't rush into it. Have you seen the new deputy head?

Tell me you don't want to squat on his face?

If you're married you won't be able to do that.

Yeah, I will. It'll just be harder.

Show us the ring, then.

Do you like it? I don't have one.

( Phone beeps )

That was my friend. That was just my friend Dave texting to invite me over tonight.

Ah, you don't have any friends.

I've changed. I have friends now. I'm putting down roots.

Who knows, your brother and I might hit it off and be friends too.

We might be better than friends. Be more like brothers.

Well, that would make you my brother.

Hey, love doesn't follow rules.

I don't love you.

Are you going to keep it?

Oh, I don't know? Are you going to keep yours?

I've already invested in them. They've got braces and stuff now.

They're worth money.

I hate to break it to you, Mr Three Kids Before You're 30, but they're a little bit harder to make when you're old. Older.

You know, I can't just rip it out and plant another one back up there when the time's right.

Well, look, I'm just bowled over by your whole new life here with Ron.

It's Rob.

Oh, sorry.

But I just want you to know, if anything goes wrong and you do succumb to the cancer, your son will have a home here.

Millandra and I will raise him.

You're having a boy?

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, you are having a boy! That's great!

We'll absolutely raise him in that case.

Well, don't get too excited.

He's just... He's winding you up.

So, Rob, are you working here?

Yes, I work for a US advertising firm and I'm opening a London office.

A lot of our clients want an agency that has a presence in both the US and Europe.

Right. Right. Who are your clients?

Well, you know, it's not sexy stuff.

You might not know them by name, but we have a giant farm equipment company.

Who else have you got?

Well, I've just started working with a company called Jeff's Cola.

Oh, Jeff's Cola.

f*ck, Sharon. I think you might be in trouble here, it sounds like he's making this sh*t up.

I know, it's a funny name but...

I'm just taking the piss.

So, Rob, you got my sister pregnant.

A lot of people get married in that situation.

What are you thinking?

We are getting married.

Well, we're not.

We are getting married because I asked Sharon to marry me.

Yeah, but not really.

You know, it was more sort of jokey, you know, and a bit...

Anyway. Whatever.

Don't tell Mum and Dad about any of this.

Are you joking? This would k*ll them both.

One funeral at a time here.

( Car horn beeps )

That was for these.

Congratulations.

Why did you deny we were getting married back there?

I didn't really, did I?

You did. You denied it repeatedly.

I don't know. I'm embarrassed.

By me?

No. Not by you, by me.

By my situation.

There's just no dignity to it.

It's like if a normal courtship's a dance, then ours is like a heart att*ck or a seizure or something.

Our story sounds like a letter some sad sack wrote in to Chat magazine.

I don't know what that is.

It's a sh*t rag that idiots, and sometimes me, read so they can say, "Well, thank f*ck that isn't happening to me."

Well, I get it. It's just that when I asked you to marry me, you said yes.

I said "Fine" and there was no ring.

I'll get you a ring.

I don't need a...

I'm just worried that we're doing this because of the pregnancy and the visas and the not-cancer and that's it.

I mean, if you had any friends, they would be advising you not to jump into it like this. I know mine have.

Seriously, has no-one told you just to slow it down?

OK, well, let's slow it down. We'll add some dignity to this.

Let's go to dinner Friday night.

We can go to a nice restaurant and then go have sex in a park.

Does that sound nice?

And if one of us brings up pregnancy or visas or pre-cancer or anything, then the other one can punch them in the face across the table.

OK.

Did you like my brother?

Did I like him?

Yeah.

No.

Rob Norris, you're unreal, man.

You're like an American sex wolf in London.

You come over here, you f*ck all the women, you get them pregnant...

It's just one woman.

Yeah, for now it is. You'll strike again.

You'd better watch this one, honey.

He'll get you pregnant just by looking at you with his d*ck!

What's the matter with you?

Hey, you hungry? You want some ice cream, some cookies?

No, thanks, I...

Svetsana, would you get some of those cookies I made before?

You're going to love these, man. They're gluten-free.

You'll think you'll taste gluten but there isn't any.

Wow!

Now, have you thought about...

k*lling Sharon? You know, I thought about it...

No, I mean, getting rid of the...

Yeah, no, we're not going to do that.

Erm, actually, we're getting married.

Wow!

Have you asked her yet?

Well, yeah, I asked her, but I've got to do it again cos...

Thank you.

.. the first time was kind of seat of the pants and I didn't have a ring, so...

Whoa, whoa... she's making you propose twice?

No, she's not making me... I want to.

No, you don't.

Listen, after you leave, I'm going to f*ck her and then she's going to leave... and that's pretty great!

That is great...for you.

For me, a different thing is great.

OK, well, suit yourself.

But listen, if that's what you want to do, then at least don't waste any money on the wedding.

You know, my outfit, we helped to refinance Euro Disney, I can get your honeymoon there for free.

She'll sh*t! You said she's Irish?

She'll think she's in f*cking heaven.

Oh, God, am I late? I thought...

No, no, I'm early.

I thought if I got here early, they'd see that I'm the kind of woman who doesn't deserve pre-cancer.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

OK, so... I see you have cervical dysplasia.

Well, we were hoping to get a second opinion on that because I've heard...

No, I'm sure you have it.

Erm... aren't you going to have a look?

We will look, but... erm, that doesn't really get misdiagnosed.

You have it or you don't.

It's not like ADHD or fibromyalgia, which are kind of like up to you if have them or not.

It's a... No, it's a... it's a real-deal thing.

Fibromyalgia isn't real?

Rob... the other doctor said that, erm, I could have the procedure now and jeopardise the pregnancy or I could wait and have it after I deliver.

OK, erm, well, then, I'm glad you did come in, then, because here's some good news.

The trauma of vaginal birth can just blow all the cancer out as the baby and, erm, stuff comes out.

Baby and stuff?

Oh, yes, yeah... all kinds of stuff comes out.

I mean, if you're lucky, it's just the one baby and some bad cells.

Could be triplets... No, thanks, right?

The birth process does take, you know, a proper scrubbing brush to the old cervix and can just remove all the... creepy-crawlies, the dysplasia, making surgery unnecessary.

Wow... OK.

So, I would strongly recommend against the surgery, since, you know, it could induce labour and we really do not want that do we?

No.

OK, erm... I mean, how does that all sound?

That, erm, you know, second-opiniony enough for you?

I'm not smoking it.

f*cking 250 quid that cost!

Well, I mean, he did say he doesn't recommend surgery.

Yeah, he also said, "Think of it like a spectre hanging over your pregnancy."

What is that? The f*cking occult?! Like Rosemary's Baby?

No, he just meant like a black cloud or something... you know, out of a cauldron.

Christ, what a mess! What a messy mess!

Yeah, it is.

You know, I think someone should say, and it's going to be me.

You don't have to do this.

You know, you've been really kind just coming over here and helping out and I really appreciate it, but it's not the 1930s... you know?

I can do this on my own.

I don't get the sense that you can.

Or, you know what, you probably could.

Women raise kids on their own all the time.

But what about when you want to take a sh*t or get a haircut?

And independent of that, can you, for a second, accept the fact that I like you and want to be with you, you f*cking idiot?

Well, thank f*ck for that, because I really can't do this on my own.

I really can't! I can tell you now, I cannot do this.

Plus, we're going to do our date.

You're g*dd*mn right we are!

OK, well, text me the details.

Going to go and teach some kids about the plague.

What are you doing?

Same.

Please, don't embarrass either of us by asking for permission to marry my sister.

OK, I just wanted to let you know that I'm serious about this and it's not just because I got her pregnant.

I'm not blind, man.

I saw the way you were looking at her - you're f*cked!

Your cappuccino.

Oh, thank you.

Why are you having a cappuccino in a jewellery shop?

Well, I think because I'm potentially about to spend a bit of dough here. They're trying to butter me up.

This was the last one we were looking at.

Yes, I think this is the one.

It's a beautiful ring.

If you'd like to follow me, Mr Norris.

Marie will bring your cappuccino.

How much is that f*cking thing?!

It's £2,000...almost. It's a lot but I want to do this.

May I get you a glass of wine?

No, you may not.

Looking at countries, cities, population...

( She knocks on door )

Anyone that comes up with flags gets an extra point.

Hi, yeah, there's going to be a fire drill in ten minutes.

OK.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

No, I just... I was just thinking about what you said the other day, and I can't do this on my own. I do need a man.

Can we maybe just...

And that doesn't mean I'm not a feminist.

OK, I just need a person to help me and the person who wants to help me happens to be a man.

I don't care if it's the 2000s.

I got home last night and he'd made me a frittata.

Do you know what that is? It's an eggs thing. It was extremely tasty, and if that's the kind of behaviour I can expect then I definitely want him around... OK?

OK.

OK, I'll let you get on.

Any weekend plans?

Well, aside from asking my fiancee to marry me again, erm, I don't know.

You know, we might go to the park.

We were thinking we might... wait, what does that say?

Well, it says £25,000.

OK, is that tax or...? What's going on?

Well, the ring is £25,000.

No, no, no, no. On the tag it said 1980, which is less.

Marie, will you bring the ring from the first drawer, the Jill Solomon band.

Any weekend plans?

You know, the rings are so close together in the case.

I'm not saying that you tried to trick me or... OK, yeah, I see the mistake. This is a classier ring.

I mean, this is petiter, this is more Sharon, don't you think?

I like the other ring, you know, but I don't know.

I mean, it's hard to say. I mean, this is more vulgar.

You know, I like the clarity of the stones, right?

But this is... You can see where this is.

If you put them side by side, it's not even a contest.

Yeah, this... I'm going to go with this one.

Hey, Mom.

Listen to me.

Susan Greenberg's husband, Mitchell, he's a custody lawyer and he says what you absolutely cannot do is marry this girl.

The UK and the US, they have this agreement, which is called "the reciprocal enforcement".

I can't hear you, I'm going into a tunnel.

'Oh, come on!'

You're going to ruin your life... fucker!

( Loud music and chatter )

Hey.

Oh, hi.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Did you say "sorry"?

It's just I can't hear myself fart in here.

My friend Dave said this was his favourite place for an intimate dinner.

Really? I never want to ever meet him!

There's a balcony where you can get a 360-degree view of the city.

Sorry, sorry, can you just, erm...

What?

You just spilt my wine.

You want another wine?

No... no, just maybe mop it up or say "oops" or smile at me?

I can't hear what you're saying. Are you ready to order?

Can I get a coke?

These tables are for food.

Yep, and we're going to eat food, after we have our drinks.

I should probably tell you I also got her pregnant.

That's why she's acting that way.

Swedish whore.

She's just upset because she's 6'8" and a bunch of guys have already tried to climb her tonight.

( She laughs )

Good. I'm glad!

Your boobs look huge in that dress!

If you'd had those when we met, I would have got you double pregnant.

Thank you.

Listen, if I play my cards right tonight, would you consider smothering me with them?

Well, you know, it's not out of the question, I suppose.

We should head up to that balcony...

Bobby, baby!

Did I tell you this place was the sh*t or what?

What, what is... what is that?

That is Dave. Hey, Dave, why are you here?

Well, I wanted to meet this little English enchantress of yours.

Irish.

Oh, sorry, British.

I'm just f*cking with you. Do you mind if we join you?

Have you tried the chilli margaritas?

Let me get Anico. Anico, come on!

And Rob had his shirt on but no bottom and no underpants... and the girl who was on his shoulders was naked.

Oh, this is before Rob decided he had alcoholism when he was still fun.

I'm just going to, erm, go to the bathroom.

So, erm, Dave if you're gone when I get back, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you...

Elithra.

That's fantastic.

She is something!

Can we have two more of these?

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

Oh, where are you going?

I'm going to just... I'll... I'll be right back.

I'm going home.

You can't go. I wanted to show you the view because...

No, no, I don't want to go back in there. I just want to go home.

Please, I'm sorry.

OK, let's get out of here.

Yeah?

You know, he visibly had cocaine around both his nostrils?

Where are we going? I don't want to walk. The Tube's back there!

Listen, I'm sorry that tonight has turned to sh*t...

( Raucous singing )

What?

.. but I wanted to... I wanted to...

( Woman urinates )

Do you mind?! I wanted to propose to you properly.

Oh, look, it's one of those taxi guys f*ck! Jesus Christ!

What are you doing?

Shut up!

What?

I just need you to just stand over there, quiet, for a moment.

I'm sorry.

Seriously, what are you doing?

Oh, thank Christ!

Are you f*cking kidding me?!

Hey, mental person, are we getting in with this guy or...

What is that?

It's a ring. It's an engagement ring.

I wanted to propose to you properly at the restaurant with a view, a 360-degree view, and then here by the river.

Then you knocked the ring in the road like an animal and then this woman pissed on it.

You can ask me now.

Well, I don't want to now.

OK. What about now?

Will you marry me?

Fine.

Yes.

No, don't do that. There's piss on it.

sh*t, I'm sorry.

Hang on, wait, give us a look.

It's pretty.

Well, you know, I narrowed it down to two, but the other one was, you know, was more vulgar, it was stupid.

This one's... You know, it's petiter.

Whoa, let me wipe it off first.

No, don't be silly. It's just a bit of piss.

I love it!