01x04 - Season 1, Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

( They grunt and groan )

Thanks.

Thank you.

You won't be able to do that for much longer.

Which part?

Toss me about like a sack of radishes.

Yeah, I will.

You're sexier pregnant than you are not pregnant and it gives me super strength.

I'll f*ck you and then throw you up on top of the refrigerator.

What will I do up there?

I don't care.

You know how we were talking about doing the godparents thing?

YOU were talking about it because you want to ask that Irish writer dude that you barely know.

I don't barely know him. I know him. I went to the same school as him.

And I just think it would be great for our child to have someone of that cultural significance in his life.

In YOUR life.

Anyway, you have to christen a child if you want to have godparents so I think we should do that.

If I thought you halfway believed in that sh*t I'd christen it three times, but you don't.

We can't not christen the baby, Rob!

Why? It's bullshit.

You know that godparents have to renounce the devil?

So what?

How weird is that?

A bunch of adults standing around a baby, pretending to believe in the devil so they can renounce him.

The baby won't know.

Yeah, but we'll know.

We don't care.

I care!

Well, why don't we just have a naming ceremony?

Because that is a bullshit California yoga retreat load of bullshit and my parents would k*ll me.

The best case scenario is we ask your Patrick O'Heaney to be godfather and he's like "OK," and then he changes his phone number and writes a poem about what assholes we are.

( She laughs )

I don't know.

I just think there's pros in raising your kid just a little bit religious.

Like, God is like the best friend of a lazy parent.

"Why is the sun yellow?" "God's favourite colour is yellow. Now go upstairs so I can give Dad a special hug and make you a little sister."

OK, well, that makes sense. It all comes back to love.

Are you nervous about meeting my parents tomorrow?

Yeah, but manageably. You?

Dunno.

My dad's pretty hard to talk to.

He's like a piece of granite with bushy eyebrows.

What about your mom?

She's magical.

You'll like her better than you like me.

Great.

How's she doing in the boob department?

Well, she only has one since her mastectomy a couple of years back.

But it's pretty big.

Oh. OK.

Terrible flight. Turbulence. f*ckin' Ryanair.

Des.

They sat me next to a Turkish.

A Turkish what?

A Turkish man.

Right.

From Turkey.

Right, right.

Let me just check on the tea.

Doesn't get any better than this, does it?

Your brother's place?

Oh, yeah, it's lovely.

He's doubled his money on this place.

He hasn't doubled his money.

The money doubled itself. He just sat there.

I'll go and help with the tea.

Where are you going?


Simultaneously: You're an American?

I love Ireland.

I'm sorry. I was just saying, I love Ireland.

Have you been?

I want to.

What've they been doing since they got here?

What have they been doing? You saw it.

Growing mushrooms out of their arseholes on my couch.

I told them I was going to the office earlier and I hid in the girl's bedroom just to have some f*cking peace.

I had to take a piss into a sippy cup.

Can I tell them? This is taking too long.

No! You are an observer today, OK? Like the UN.

You say a syllable and I'll cut your hands off.

Whatever happened to that Owen fella? He was around for a while.

He moved to Africa, didn't he, Sha?

Yeah. Yeah. He had to go to Africa.

He was a good man.

Well, I won't be running off to Africa any time soon.

I don't even know where it is!

So, Mum, Dad, we've got something we'd like to tell you.

Talk to you about.

Lovely news I think will make you very happy and that's... we're getting married!

Congratulations.

Thanks, Mum.

I thought you were going to tell us you were pregnant for a minute!

And I'm pregnant. That's also part of this.

Your dad will warm up.

I mean, Fergal and I are practically...

I wouldn't say brothers yet but maybe like cousins who are also good friends.

We bonded when he came with me to pick out your ring.

And we both laughed when your dad farted at the TV when Tottenham scored that goal.

Everybody laughed at that.

Yeah, but I think Fergal and I the hardest.

Hey, why don't we ask Fergal to be the godfather?

He's not technically an adult in the eyes of the church.

What?

He missed his confirmation cos he had the measles and then he refused to do it the following year cos he'd a growth spurt and a moustache by then.

Also, f*ck him! I don't want him to do it.

Your mom cornered me at one point and asked me where I go to mass.

What did you say?

Saint Mary's?

How are we feeling?

Fine, I guess. Not terrible.

I mean, emotionally, I suppose, I'm like...

A dumpster fire?

A bit up and down.

Good.

Now, I do have something we need to discuss that is somewhat serious.

It's full cancer now?

No, no. No, it's not that.

We've been catching up on screenings your first doctor didn't do.

One of them is the combined test and that tells us if there's a chromosomal abnormality.

What does that mean?

It would mean that there's a higher risk of your baby having Down's Syndrome.

Because in a geriatric pregnancy...

Geriatric!

It's just a term.

But according to the combined test, you're looking at a one in 50 risk that your child has Down's Syndrome.

Well, Christ! One in 50? That's not that bad.

What are you? A sadist?

Sharon!

No, why do I need to know that?

Because the risk should ideally be three times as low and I'm required to tell you that in case you need to prepare for a substantially different child-rearing experience.

Some people decide they won't ever be ready for that.

Why...

Where are my knickers? Er...

Could you think up or make up some good news for the next time we come in?

Erm, OK.

Thank you.

Oh. Hey, Melissa. She just came in. OK. Thank you.

Where the hell have you been?

I walked to Croydon.

OK. Is that far?

About 13 miles.

Well, if you ever need to do that again, please let me shadow you from a block back or something.

OK.

What are we going to do?

Why couldn't you come over here and got me pregnant ten years ago?

What the hell were you up to then?

Nothing that cool.

Can't I just enjoy my f*cking pregnancy?

Why can't I go to the doctor one time and not get a bombshell that makes me want to rip all my hair out?

When I see a happy pregnant woman on the street I want to punch her!

I know. I'm so sorry.

I don't expect this to make you feel better right now but the f*cking math of it all is still in our favour, even if it's worse math than most people get? I don't know.

Maths.

Maths! f*ck maths!

f*ck each math!

My Uncle Kenny has Down's Syndrome and he's a cool guy.

Your Uncle Kenny?

Yeah. He showed me my first picture of a boob.

It was from like a breast health pamphlet or something.

I'm sure your Uncle Kenny was fun to hang out with when you were little but do you hang out with him now? Because somebody has to.

They need more help for ever! Are you ready for that?

Well, I haven't seen him in... But that's not the point. The point is...

I don't know if I'm a good enough person to be able to look after a disabled child.

Neither am I, but...

A friend of mine's brother had Down's Syndrome and his parents were still looking after him in their 70s.

And then the dad d*ed and it was just the mum left.

I used to see them in the supermarket and she never once looked anything but old and really, really tired.

Who f*cking whistles their way round a supermarket?

Maybe they went home, smoked a joint, watch Judge Judy and had a great time?

What do you want to do?

Do you mind if we don't talk about it any more?

It's not going to happen.

But if it did...

It's not.

Put it this way - imagine you've got a one in 100 chance of winning the lottery...

It's one in 50.

Fine.

One in 50 chance of winning the lottery if you buy a ticket.

Feeling good about your chances?

No, but...

There you go, if you're not going to win that, why would you win this one?

That's a good point.

Side point, the lottery is for mouth breathing idiots and should be illegal.

My c**t dad pissed every pay cheque away at Ladbrokes till the day he sh*t himself in our barn.

f*ck, that is good cake.

Oh, by the way. Fran thinks I'm having an affair.

She found the receipts from all our din-dins and jumped to conclusions so I had to tell her I'd been out with you.

What?

It's all right. She wants to meet you and sort it out.

Why?

No, I'm sorry. This is not a good time...

Don't be a bastard! Life goes on!

So man up and talk to my wife for me.

Spleeny? That's not word.

Yeah, it is. It's a word.

Spleeny?

Yeah, spleeny.

Like, if I walk into a room where there's a pile of human spleens...

Yeah. You'd say, "It smells a bit spleeny in here."

What? No! We said we weren't looking things up.

Rob, don't!

( Phone rings )

Who's calling you?

Who's calling me?

Yeah.

Er... Oh, Chris.

Fran found out Chris and I were dating and he wants me to go and talk to her.

You bellend.

Spleeny works. That's... you win.

Yes! BANANAS!

So, if you consider everything that happened in the 14th century, complaining about whether you can find a socket for your iPad charger, Kiki, when you're on holiday with your parents...

( Phone rings )

Right. Turn to page 46, chapter eight, and read from there.

Hello?

Hello? Is that Ms Morris?

Yeah. It is.

Oh, great. Thought I'd got the wrong number there.

I'm calling because Dr Harris did some tests with you the other day.

Yes.

Well, there was an error in the results.

It turns out the chances of chromosomal abnormality aren't one in 50, as you were told.

Oh. Well, that's... is that...

It's actually closer to about one in 25.

Sorry about that. Not sure what happened there.

The doctor suggested you pop in and chat about amniocentesis.

He can recommend an expert in the field.

Let us know. OK? Sorry again. Bye, now.

Bye, now.

( She vomits )

Oh, sh*t. Sorry.

( She vomits )

It's OK. I've just been sick. Just excuse me.

Is she drunk?

She was drunk at the Christmas concert last year.

( They laugh )

Mr Norris isn't joining us?

No.

Now, it takes a week to get the test results.

You also have to know that the risk of miscarriage just from getting the test done does exist.

Ms Morris?

Sorry, I was just trying to work out how I mentally cope with the nightmare scenario of having a needle stuck in my belly into my baby's neck, risking miscarriage... I don't.

I mean, can you say something to help?

You will have a much clearer picture of your prospects with the Amnio.

Great.

Erm...

So, I mean, was there anything else?

Is Mummy here?

Mummy?

Jesus, get in here. You're a mess.

Was Dad OK after we left?

Ah, he'll warm to it. His heart did go out of rhythm though afterwards.

He had to take one of his pills and lie down.

Oh, please!

His heart went out of rhythm because his only daughter is getting married?

And pregnant.

Yeah, with a baby! Not a... wombat!

Where have you come from?

I was at the doctor.

Why?

Well, because I'm pregnant.

You know, you go to the doctor when you're pregnant, so they can tell you if everything's OK, you know, if there's any issues...

You couldn't find out any of that stuff in my day.

In my day you had two choices - you either liked what you had, or you didn't like it and you buried it behind the old oak tree.

God forgive me.

Mum?!

Oh, God, no. I didn't. Just... Well, that's the way it was.

But everything's all right though, with you and the baby?

Oh, no!

You knock-kneed f*ckin' eejit!

Des! Mind your heart!

Yes, yes...

Couldn't be better.

Ah, that's good.

First, I want to really, unreservedly apologise for the way I behaved when we came to dinner.

That's OK. I probably shouldn't have got quite so riled up.

Well, maybe a little bit when you were shouting about shoving blueberries up arseholes.

Was it blueberries? I thought I said walnuts.

Well, that's neither here nor there.

No, no, I...

So how's Jeffrey?

Jeffrey's great.

He's about to make his West End debut with Alan Rickman.

Lovely man. Do you know, he's nearly 70?

Still very muscular though.

Anyway, Rob, I'm sure you're aware that Chris and I have had our little... internal disagreements.

He's a very tricky man.

Yeah, but he's...

Very tricky.

Mm-hmm.

And he shouldn't have kept you for his secret.

Cos that makes me look like I'm...

Like...

It's really hard being married.

Sometimes I just want to scream.

Maybe you should.

Kids scream all the time.

And then they're happy the rest of the time.

And adults, we try to just keep everything stuffed in a box that explodes every once in a while and hurts people.

Yeah.

Well, Mister.

I really miss Sharon. And you're not so bad yourself.

We'd love to give it another go with you guys.

We could get together and scream. Just not at each other this time.

Funny!

You're funny. Oh. Rob.

( Protesting noises )

This is... No, we...

Chris!

I was just...! Ah!

I'm sorry!

Hey.

Hi.

There's something...

I've been to the doctor without telling you.

Because they rang and said that chances are higher than they thought.

Sorry.

And sorry I haven't been talking to you.

That's OK.

It's because I can't.

I mean there's parts of my heart and my brain that I can't even visit right now.

But I want to know.

I mean, I don't know what I'll...

What we will do when we find out because I can't even...

All I know is I need to know.

At least we can see him quickly, since there's, like, eight people in the country who can afford him.

They say he's the best.

He says he's the best. So arrogant.

He looks like Elton John on his website.

Or like if Elton John had a baby and Kanye West raised it.

He's the Kanye West of Amniocentesis.

Are you OK?

What a smug fucker.

Smugger than a doctor and an architect combined.

Can you believe he referred to himself as "Magic Fingers?"

I want to be like that.

I want to be a confident clown.

God, he smelled good too, didn't he?

Oh, yeah.

What was that?

That f*cking needle though!

Sorry I sent you out of the room.

I would've let you stay if you weren't audibly crying.

Like if there hadn't been a noise component.

I cannot believe it didn't hurt.

It didn't.

I'll see that needle in my nightmares until the day I die, but it didn't hurt.

You're going to be a champ giving birth.

You'll just yawn and it'll fall right out.

Because of my roomy vag*na?

Hey, I mean, it's like a cosy little room. Like a laundry room, not like a meeting hall.

Hi.

Hey! How are you? Come in. Come in.

Is Rob home?

No. No, don't worry. I know all about it.

Oh.

OK.

What did he say?

Just that he was sorry and, you know, it must seem weird. Silly.

I'm just glad it's all out in the open.

Oh. You're very kind.

It was just one kiss.

Sorry, what?

I think Rob and I both regret what happened.

Rob and I kissed?

It was just a moment's nothing. It was...

I'm very sorry.

Oh!

DOOR CLOSES I had a visitor today.

Really?

Yeah, really. Fran came to see me.

Oh, well...

Did you sleep with Fran?

Oh, my God, no. Is that what you...?

No, no, no, no, no, no. She kissed ME.

She practically ate a piece of my gum.

The reason that I didn't say anything is cos I didn't want to embarrass her.

You gotta believe me.

I don't know what to believe, Rob.

This has totally backfired, I was only trying to...

( She laughs )

Course I believe you!

You son of a bitch.

Your face! Oh, you're on your knees.

Oh, that's so good.

I might have got a bit carried away though.

I asked them to be godparents.

At least they've got money if we die.

( Spooky ringtone )

Hello?

Yeah.

OK. Yeah. Thank you very much.

You OK, Miss?

Yeah, I'm great.

You can't lie there.

I'm just waiting for my fiance.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Er, the hospital just called.

So it's all OK.

I'll see you in a few months.

All right, love.

Now don't forget to eat.

Bye, Dad.

All right, dear. Listen, just...

Oh, no, don't be silly.

For the baby.

Bye.

f*ck's sake.

Music: Catch The Wind by Donovan Sorry.

She's gorgeous.

She is, isn't she?

♪ Ah, but I may as well ♪
♪ Try and catch the wind ♪
♪ When rain has hung the leaves with tears ♪
♪ I want you near ♪
♪ To k*ll my fears ♪
♪ To help me to leave all my blues behind... ♪