01x05 - Season 1, Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

.. could we get an update on what's shaking out over there?

.. 'It'd be great to get a clearer idea' of what you've been doing.

Up your game like the guy said.

Maybe buy a suit with normal length arms.

D'you think Clive Owen would wear that?

Fran thinks I'm having an affair.

What?

She wants to meet with you and sort it out.

This is... No!

I asked you to do one simple thing.

f*ck off!

Oh, telling me to f*ck off?

Yeah, I'm telling you to f*ck off!

That reminds me, we really should go ahead and pull the trigger on the wedding.

Should I make an appointment at the registry office?

I don't know if I want to do it at a registry office.

Why not?

Well, because...

This is embarrassing but when I was 19 this Polish guy who used to come into the restaurant I worked at, he paid me to be a witness at his registry office wedding.

You were a witness whore?

Yeah, well, 50 quid!

Anyway he took us all to TGI Friday afterwards, and he and the English girl he married, they got beyond pissed and he fell over and broke his jaw on a urinal.

How the f*ck...?

I don't know.

And since I was the least drunk person there, I had to take him to hospital.

He freaked out and kicked a nurse in the stomach and then he threw a wheelchair at a vending machine.

Wow!

Yeah. So, you know, I don't want our wedding to be like that.

No, me neither.

The last big wedding I went to was my sister's.

300 people.

That was the one I shat my pants at.

Oh, yeah. What did your sister think about that?

She didn't care for it. I mean, nobody did.

I think maybe after the fact, for anecdotal value, people were glad it happened.

Yeah, of course.

But, you know, I wouldn't do it again.

Yeah, well, we don't have to have 300 people, you know, just some family and friends and a few Scotch eggs?

Hmm.

What do you think?

You up for doing something more than a sad transaction in a grey building?

Definitely.

Great. What would you think if I asked your mother?

Sure, go ahead. I mean, I will say, if she wasn't my mother I definitely wouldn't invite her.

I mean, just cos she's not fun. Or nice.

Yeah, well, we don't have to have her on our table.

Shut up, you're so boring!

Don't storm off again! Come back!

Just because can't do the one thing I ask of you...!

I love watching young couples argue.

I can't keep my eyes off them.

I hope he hits her.

And then the cops taze him and he falls in the river.

Now you're talking.

If we ever sound like that please get a g*n from America and sh**t us both.

We sound like that all the time.

Do we?

Yeah, but we've got real problems.

Hang on a second. I've been at Frye and Loeb for 11 years, and you're going to fire me for making you a shitload of money and opening a UK office?

We're not f*ring you.

I mean, we are, unless you want to come back to Boston, where you have an office.

And clients.

Yeah, I get that my current setup isn't conventional but...

You're right, it's not conventional.

By the way, are you in a college dorm?

You know what? f*ck you, Mark!

Rob, look, come on.

And Tony, f*ck you for being a nice guy and working with this f*cking assh*le.

You know what, Mark? When I heard that Greg had a stroke, my first thought, after being sad for his family, was that I wish it had been you, you conniving c**t!

No, he can't talk to me like that.

And Tony? You'd better make sure that I get a nice severance package or I'm going to come there and kick Mark's ass in front of that receptionist that he sexually harasses for three hours every day!

And, Mark, you can...!

( Signal breaks up )

Is he done?

Hey. How was your day?

sh*t. How was yours?

Good, it was good. Very good. Tea?

Yeah.

It's just tough at the moment because I don't smile for the first two months of the school year.

I mean, you really can't, if they smell weakness, they just...

It's like putting chum in the water for sharks.

But it's hard because there's this new lad with thick glasses and one big eyebrow, and I just really want to smile at him.

Can I have a Wagon Wheel?

Sure.

Hey, I was thinking how great it is that our kid is going to have two cultures and two countries that he can spend time in.

Hmm, yeah.

I mean, especially when he's a baby.

I mean we'll be able to just bounce back and forth.

Mm.

You know, it might be worth thinking about basing ourselves in Boston for a while.

I mean it's cheaper by probably about 500%!

Why are you saying this to me?

I was let go from my job today.

What?

It's fine. They only let me go cos it wasn't working out here.

I mean, they would have kept me for ever back there.

Not that I'd go back to that sh*t shop when they wouldn't give me 20 minutes to even plug in my f*cking computer here, but I could work anywhere in Boston, everyone in advertising knows me there.

I don't want to live in Boston.

Why not?

( She laughs )

Because it's Boston.

I mean, once you graduate to a place like London or New York, you don't regress to Boston.

What's even there?

And, you know, my family's here. My job, my friends.

Yeah, I had all that too.

And now I don't even have a job here anymore.

And do you think our baby would like to eat, for example?

Cos I'd like to be able to buy it food.

And I was issued a very specific work visa, not a "sit around on a couch" visa.

Yeah, OK, it's terrifying.

But, you know, just take a minute.

Don't go making crazy decisions for us.

I will help you, and we'll sort it out, but we have to sort it out here.

And, you know, I mean, just to be practical, you can't fly when you're this pregnant.

Isn't that just the last trimester?

You can't fly to Boston at any point during your pregnancy.

Yes! Feel like a f*cking god here!

Brits don't have bowling in their veins like we do.

It's like being Superman on Earth.

Hey, listen, I, ah, wound up parting ways with my company in the US.

I was wondering if you knew of any job leads?

Take that, the Queen.

Did you hear about that heart drug, Tevantrix, that k*lled all those people a couple of months ago?

No.

Oh, good. Well, I'm on the board of the company that makes it and they're putting together a kind of messaging taskforce, you know, to teach the public that they do stuff other than k*ll people.

Oh, Jesus.

No, they're good guys.

My pal, Harita, is the senior VP of marketing, and I guarantee that she will see you if I tell her to.

So, what do you think, man, you want me to hit her up?

I guess, yeah. I need money and a visa, so, yes.

Well, all right.

Thank you.

I owe you one.

Have you ever heard of prostate massage?

I'm not massaging your prostate.

No, I don't want you to massage my prostate, I want you to come with me to this place I know where we can both get our prostates massaged.

I went there a couple of weeks ago and I'm telling you, man, it is easily the best orgasm I've ever had.

And before you say anything, it's not gay.

All right, but that's like eighth on the list of why I don't want to do it.

But they do put something up your butt, right?

Way up. And it kind of hurts.

Until they start massaging the old prostate.

Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

Oh, come on, man. Come on, spend some quality time with me.

My dad d*ed a few weeks ago... et cetera.

Your dad d*ed "et cetera?"

Yeah, I don't really want to talk about it. Just... come and get your butt f*cked with me.

Help me heal.

'Hello?'

Hello, is this Mia?

Yes, it is.

Mia, this is Sharon.

'Um.... From, from London?'

Rob's Sharon?

Oh. Yes, of course. How are you?

I'm OK, thank you. Um, nice to speak to you.

'I know we'll meet sooner or later,'

I just wanted to introduce myself and also to invite you to our wedding.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, we're, we're going to get married properly so if it's something that you wanted to attend, then we'd be very happy to work round your dates and...?

You know, I really, I don't fly well, and I-I can't leave my dogs.

Oh.

Would it make any difference if I told you we're not just getting married because I'm pregnant.

We... we really like each other and, and also he needs a visa.

Whatever the reason, it's just such wonderful news.

I'm so glad that Rob has found someone after everything with Betsy.

Who's Betsy?

'Betsy. His ex?'

You know, after Betsy miscarried, it was very hard for both of them.

And me.

What?

He must have told you?

No! And I have to say I think that's very insensitive of you, 'I am currently pregnant after all.'

Well, I didn't mean...

'Oh, no, I think you did.'

Jesus, stick the Kn*fe in, phone call number one, why don't you?

Sorry?

You know what? I rescind my invitation.

'That means I take it back. You're not invited.'

Hello?

I hope your dogs get leukaemia.

Are you chewing gum?

Take it out. Put it in the bin.

Hi.

Hi.

So I got a job interview today.

Great.

And, er, I checked out that place you liked for the reception by the canal and I think that...

You never told me you got another woman pregnant.

Er, well, I didn't...

Did my mother...?

Yeah.

Was it on purpose?

What?

Was it an "Oh, no, whoops" pregnant like me, or was it a "Let's make a baby" pregnant like normal people?

Does it matter? Look, as big as this is, I had a life before you.

Yeah, I knew you f*cked other women, I just didn't know you f*cked babies into them.

Jesus.

And you meant to do it with Betsy.

You know, that, that was pre-meditated, I was like a... a second degree pregnancy.

You just got drunk and drove into a crowd of women and got me pregnant.

A second degree pregnancy?

Why didn't you tell me?

What would you have done with that information?

If the baby had been born, I would have told you.

But it wasn't.

OK. Sorry.

Don't be sorry. Jesus, can I explain?

No, it doesn't matter. Just forget it.

I might have insulted your mother a little bit on the phone.

Like how? Tell me how, cos I want to do a different, more hurtful insult when I call her.

( Telephone rings )

"Yes, hello?"

Hi. Mia, It's Sharon from London, again.

I saw that it was a UK number.

I just thought it was Rob calling to yell at me again.

I'm sorry about that, and sorry for saying that you couldn't come to the wedding.

Of course we want you to come.

Well, I, I don't think Rob wants me to come, so...

No, of course he wants you to.

Well, I can't leave the dogs.

No, that's fine, just, you know, want you to know that if you could come to the wedding, you'd-you'd be welcome.

By the way, do you have Betsy's surname?

It's just, um, I thought it would be a nice gesture to invite her along because, you know, we just... want everybody to be there.

You know, a lot of my ex-boyfriends will be coming.

Well, not a lot, but maybe... three.

Ostroff.

It's Os...? That's O...

Ostroff, O-S-T-R-O-F-F.

Well, you know, if...

If Betsy's going to make the journey, then maybe I should come.

I would just love to see her.

What about the dogs?

Well, I...

And the thing is, I want to ask her, but, you know, it's a numbers game, so that could all change.

I'm actually at school at the moment, so I'm going to have to... It was lovely talking to you.

Hello?

Please let it be you.

( She sighs )

Oh, good for you.

You're not better than me.

I just came in to get my work book.

Well, get it then.

I'm sure Dave's told you a little about what's been happening here.

Blowback hasn't been as bad as it could've been, it was only older men who d*ed.

Focus groups we've done since have shown they're the least missed demographic. I mean, a child dies and understandably people get really upset. But... four or five guys in their 70s, it's like...

SAD, but also... c'est la vie.

That's, wow...

I mean, I guess if you're going to be allegedly responsible for some people not being alive any more, then old men are the best ones.

I think the one that really hurt us was the astronaut.

OK, yeah, I did read about him.

So, what are your thoughts on how we might progress this?

Well, I'm not sure people feel the same way about astronauts as they used to.

They're not the heroes that they once were.

I don't know if this made the news here, but, er, a few years ago, a female astronaut travelled across the US in a diaper with a bunch of weapons in her trunk to att*ck a love rival, so, you know, really, they're just like you and me.

So, it pays really well, and they'd sort my visa, but the woman who interviewed me definitely sleeps in a coffin.

Well, two out of three?

And did you try...?

What?

Big and Tall?

No.

I didn't go to the Big and Tall modelling agency.

Why not?

I think you should just go in, just pop in.

What would be the harm in just popping in?

Look, er, I'm big and tall, but I'm not THAT big and tall.

Well, I think you are.

But now we'll never know.

Listen, um... I know I said I didn't want to talk about Betsy and I understand why you didn't tell me, but to be honest, I just would've liked to have known because I'd hate for you to have to deal with a bombshell like that.

So, I thought before the wedding we should just get a few things out there, you know?

So there's no skeletons in our closet.

OK.

OK.

So, er... um, I went out with a French guy and I had two pregnancy scares with him.

And I considered moving to France.

Oh, well, I mean, that's...

No, I haven't told you the thing yet.

So, two pregnancy scares, considered moving to France, and when I broke up with him... he committed... tried to k*ll himself.

So, I just wanted to tell you that.

You know, cos I'd hate for you to have to learn that from MY mother.

I'm not telling you that to scare you.

OK. Are you sure that's why he did it?

Because a lot of people, who are depressed...

Yeah, I'm why he did it.

OK. Well, thank you for telling me that.

Well, that's OK.

( Phone chimes )

What is wrong with him?

Happy birthday.

Ooh!

( Sharon squeals )

Thank you.

( She laughs )

Wow.

I haven't had a birthday gift in a few years, you know, that...

I can open, with paper and all that, so, I don't even care what's in here.

Aw.

Actually I do. I love them.

Well, thank you. I made them.

You can wear them to dinner tonight. Just them, nothing else.

Can I wear my maternity bra? It's just my tits are a bit sore.

Well, OK, but that's it.

( She laughs )

No cake tonight. No candles.

I don't want any waiters singing to me. Just makes me want to vom.

What time is it?

It's just after seven.

Do you want to get in here and put another baby in me?

I can try.

Hey, you're late, Heisenberg. Let's go, man.

Listen, I came here to thank you for setting up that interview and to tell you I'm not doing this.

What?

Come on, man, we had a deal.

We didn't have a deal.

You did a nice thing for me and I'm grateful, but I never said I would let a stranger put anything up in my assh*le.

You've got to try this, man. It feels so good.

I believe you!

But now is not the time for me to pay a hooker to f*ck my butt with an implement.

You do that after you've been with somebody for a long time and you hate each other. I'm not there yet.

OK, well, you want to do something more low-key?

I mean, we could go get some lap dances?

Dave, I don't want to do those things with you.

You don't want big titties all over your face?

Of course I do, but in my own home, not a strip club at lunch time.

Look, I can tell you're a bit... lonely or whatever.

I'm not lonely, m*therf*cker.

Well, whatever the case is, you know, you need some companionship or something.

Listen, I'm having a party tonight for Sharon. Do you want to come?

Er, no, I can't tonight. I've got a thing.

All right, well... let's talk soon.

Rob?

Er, where is it?

Just in case.

( School bell rings )

So, I've had a wee trim, put on my best cologne, so I can give Sharon a birthday kiss she'll really enjoy.

Now we're kissing each other's wives.

Oh, hey, Chris, you have to know that was an accident.

It was a hug that I think she... not that it was her fault...

I'm just taking the piss, man.

I'm glad you did.

She came home and f*cked my knob off after that.

You're my hero, as far as I'm concerned.

Wow.

Well, good, OK. Thank you and I'm sorry.

I'm still kissing Sharon, though.

Hiya.

Hey, glad you could make it. Where's Mallandra?

Oh, sorry, did I not say? She didn't want to come.

Are we early? There's more people coming, right?

No, this is it, and, I know, it's just that I don't know a lot of her friends.

I'm not optimistic she'll be thrilled.

Rob.

Hey, Fran. So great you could come.

You know the last birthday of Sharon's that I went to, we ended up taking some mushrooms of the magical variety.

Ended up getting our clitoral hoods pierced.

Won't be doing that again any time soon.

Are you f*cking kidding me?


All: Hey! Happy Birthday!

Hey! Hi!

Thank you.

For doing this to me.

Come here, birthday girl.

Hi! Nice to see you.

Mmm?

Mwah.

( Sharon laughs nervously )

Thank you.

Hey! Sorry we're late! Oh, God!

This is, um, my friend, um... happy birthday. 41.

( Dave laughs )

41!

Friday night's a tricky night for getting people out.

Yeah, yeah, that's maybe what it is.

Well, this is humiliating.

That's exactly the response I was hoping for.

( Sharon laughs )

Let's not do the big wedding. Is that all right?

I mean look around you, I have a petite circle of friends, you have one friend who is probably going to OD before we get married.

And if you had any idea what something costs when you put the word wedding in front of it, if you knew how much a wedding ham costs, as opposed to a ham-ham, you wouldn't want to be part of that.

I just want a transaction in a grey building.

OK.

Then you can finger me in a cab on the way to TGI Fridays.

I'd like that.

( Dave laughs )

Good news, buddy. Harita from Braeband called.

She wants you! She's going to send you an offer letter on Monday.

Ha-ha! Mwah!

( He chuckles )

( Plates smash )

Oh, g*dd*mn it!

( Dave laughs )

I don't care! I don't care!

To the happy couple! I mean...


All: Happy Birthday!

( Sharon moans )

That was a long come.

Yeah, that was, wow.

Oh, can you just..? Wipe your... Sorry.

Yeah.

I keep thinking about you getting another woman pregnant.

Uh-huh?

And I'm not being obsessive, and I understand why you didn't tell me, it's just...

I never actually liked anyone enough to want to have a baby with them.

And you did and it just, messing me up a bit.

Well, listen to me.

My life was smaller then.

I worked next to Betsy for six years and then I found myself dating her, then we were living together because it was cheaper and I'm sorry to say that, but it's true.

Babies started appearing in my world, so it seemed normal to try.

And she got pregnant.

And then in rapid succession, she miscarried and I found out she'd been hiding her Jewish-ness from me.

What the fu-?

I'm kidding!

And I know I shouldn't be kidding, right, because, yes, I was sad when she miscarried, but it was tempered by the fact that I was happier not being with her.

And then you blew into my life like a f*ckin' hurricane.

And FYI, sex with her was, at best, nice, but you induced, like, a medical condition in me and I had to be inside you for, like, a week.

You f*cked me up!

( Sharon stifles laughter )

I have to tell you something.

One of the first nights we were together, you made this weird sound when you came, like, normally you were all grunty and, "Argh!"

But this one time you made this weird, high pitched, kind of feminine, kind of....

( Sharon squeals )

.. and I don't know if you remember, but one of the days I didn't call you until, like 9pm?

Yeah?

( Sharon laughs )

Well, it was because of that.

( Sharon laughs )