01x06 - Season 1, Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

What's the matter?

I wasn't 100% sure you were coming back.

You know, your flight landed 30 minutes ago.

My luggage was on the wrong carousel!

Why wouldn't I come back?

I dunno. You're already on a plane, you have a passport.

You thought I'd hijack the plane to get away from you?

Did you miss me?

I was angry at how much I missed you.

I missed you too. Just the last two days, though.

Did you watch p*rn?

Absolutely.

But I would always take a pillow and make a little Sharon out of it that I would hug while I... watched.

I did the same, just without the pillow.

Actually it's hard for me to masturbate at the moment because I've got to look over my belly to do it, and I know there's a baby in there, so it's kind of off-putting.

It's like you wouldn't want to have a wank if there were kids playing in the background, you know?

Yeah, yeah. That's kind of one of my things, not doing that.

Did anyone try to convince you to stay?

Yes. My friend Cory said, "I'll see you in six months when it doesn't work out."

Ugh!

I mean, that's given me more motivation to make this work than even the baby!

Yeah. Did you sort things out with your mum?

No, not even close.

I can't believe it's taken me 38 years to realise my mother is a sh*t bubble.

( She laughs uproariously )

Did you get your best man sorted?

No.

Oh, because I've got a maid of honour now, so you have to.

Who's your maid of honour? Fran?

What? No. Although she did offer.

No, I got panicked one night and I asked my friend Kate from uni.

So she's going to come over for a week, hang out, you know, have some fun.

Does she know that you're not fun any more?

You're such a fucker!

( He laughs )

I could ask your brother to be my best man.

What would you think of that?

Yeah. You can ASK him.

I mean, you barely know him.

Yeah... I barely know you.

It would be an honour. Thank you.

I mean it. You're part of this family now.

You've given my sister something to live for.

Well, I'm not sure she...

I love you, man.

Well, I love you too, man. You're my brother.

Hey, Fergal, are you drunk?

Since Wednesday.

Jesus! What's in there?

Bailey's, you p*ssy.

Mallandra's gone.

She's... where?

To Spain - with the kids.

But when she gets back, she wants a divorce.

She wants a f*cking divorce.

She's going to take my kids.

She's not going to take your kids.

And don't you have to agree to let somebody divorce you?

Don't let her divorce you and we'll fix it.

I really f*cked up this time. I mean, ha! I've got a problem.

I'm a f*cking monster.

What did you do?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Your wedding is the week before my court date, so it'll give me something to look forward to.

D'you want a smoothie?

( Women laughing as door closes )

There he is.

Rob, this is Kate, my maid of honour. Kate, this is Rob, the future Mr Sharon Morris.

Great to meet you, Kate. Sharon, can I just talk to you...?

I'm so happy to finally meet you.

Same here.

You've got a good one here.

Even if you hadn't gotten her pregnant, she'd be a catch!

You know, she got all the d*ck back home.

Not all of it.

We are going to have a legendary week!

( She hoots with laughter )

This is my first time away from my kids in five years.

I don't miss them and I f*cking LOVE LONDON!

Hey, can I talk to you for a quick second?

Yeah.

( Kate hoots with laughter )

She's always annoying for the first day or so.

No, it's not that. I mean yes, she is very annoying, but it's Fergal.

Is he not going to do it?

No, he is going to do it but did he tell you...

Tell me what?

What he's done?

What did he do?

I don't know.

What are you asking me?

Well, do you know Mallandra left him?

Yeah. She does that like... twice a year.

Do you know why?

Yes, because he's a prick.

No, I think it's worse than that.

What are you talking about?

I don't know but there was something in his eyes that said, "I've done something really bad."

Something in his eyes?

Look. I don't know, I think he may have hurt someone.

I'm not saying he has a freezer full of kid-meat or anything...

Listen. I don't know if you're stressed or what, but you need to stop slandering my brother and I need to stop ignoring my visitor.

This is rude. We are both being very rude at the moment.

Sorry.

Sorry, do you have Sudocrem or something?

I got a Brazilian yesterday and my p*ssy's on fire!

I'll get you some.

I'd like to introduce Rob Norris to you all.

Rob helped establish Frye & Loeb in Boston.

He's also coached brands wrestling with PR issues.

I guess you could say he's sort of a perception engineer.

Rob, the floor is yours.

Thank you, Harita.

The public are like toddlers.

They like shiny things like scandal, like astronauts maybe dying because they took Braeband's flagship drug.

So we need to distract them with something even shinier and what if, what if that shiny thing, could also be something truly good?

I'm sure I don't need to tell you guys what animal kills the most people on earth every year.

Sharks?

No.

It's not sharks. It's the mosquito, because of malaria and who's treated more cases of malaria in India than anyone else?

It's not sharks!

But it's not Braeband, either.

It's the Dutch company Nyromax. Now, what if Braeband were able to...

Rob, I'm going to interrupt you for just a second and say that your enthusiasm is really something.

Well, honestly...

Thank you so much.

Guys, this is what courage looks like.

Not some dusty old astronaut whose kids are basically committing libel.

Do you think she'll be much longer?

Why? D'you leave your lip liner in there?

No. I do that in the cab.

You look nice. Where are they taking you?

Just for a steak. Montefiorres.

Nice.

Where are you guys off to?

Just going to go for a pizza, I think and then...

Ready?

We're going to take it easy, daddy.

Just a couple of glasses of wine, bit of dancing, half an E...

I probably won't do any E.

Neither will I.

OK. Well, call me if you...

Have a great night!

What's up, cock-munchers?

Pretty good. You know Chris?

Hey, man!

Get in.

What... are we not going for steak?

Get in!

Do you know what hospital you're having the baby at?

St Thomas'.

My daughters were born there!

No way!

Yeah, it was great, my wife loved it.

She had a water birth there.

You should do that. It just swims right out! It's easy!

OK. I'll try that.

You have beautiful eyes.

Sorry?

What the f*ck?

I think I want to get out of here. Now.

Me too.

See the guy I'm talking to?

( She giggles maniacally )

He wants to show me his boat!

Imagine.

So do you mind if I go... with him?

I'll be back in the morning. I'll bring pastries!

I'm going to the loo now, OK?

Because my baby is pushing down on my bladder and then we're going to leave, OK?

So say good night to the r*pist and I'll see you out the front in five, OK?

Good sh*t, huh?

You know, I want to like it.

I mean it's naked women - great - and dancing, which I also love, so it's two great things together, but then you add a bunch of sweaty guys and you know, you leering at them and it's just kind of a bummer.

Yeah, sure. Pop this in her thong.

Lenore?

Chris? Oh, my God. What are you doing here?

Yelp said you do a good onion ring. SHE LAUGHS You look f*ckin' amazing.

Yeah, well, you put on an ounce in this place and they make you dance for the Chinese lads.

Sure, sure.

f*ck me! Chris Beesley.

Hey, Chris, you going to get your dinky stinky?

I don't know who that is.

Listen, I'm on the clock but do you want to buy a dance.

We could catch up.

Sure.

Hey, sh! You're not allowed to talk while they're dancing.

I was just gonna...

Sh!

Girls!

And do you have any kids?

One boy.

I've got a boy and a little girl.

Two kids came out of there? Wow.

Outdoors is all right but my fanny looks like it stepped on a land mine.

How long have you been with your wife?

12 years. Her name's Fran.

And does Fran not mind you coming to places like this?

Not as long as I f*ck her when I get back home.

She doesn't know I'm here.

Listen, there's some rooms out the back that are a bit more private, if you want to, you know, talk more.

I think I should get back to the lads.

You sure?

No.

I left my bag inside. I'll be one minute, two minutes.

This bag? You left this bag inside?

I want to see the boat.

Look at me, focus. There's no boat.

There's a tiny flat with a filthy mattress and nose hair clippings in the sink.

I want a filthy mattress. I want any mattress.

I'm not happy.

Oh, darling! I am sorry to hear that but you're going to be even less happy if you get all cut up and put in a bin bag, OK?

So come on. Let's just go.

Oh, my God!

sh*t! Did you just bang your head? Are you...?

I'm OK.

Ow!

Oh, f*ck! Just wait there. Don't move, I'll get some help.

Help her! Don't move.

I need some help. I want a first aid kit or something.

She's really banged her head.

Hello? I need an ambulance.

Where's the woman that was like... there?

Where's the woman... Kate?

Kate! Kate!

I want to tell you what I did.

In the States, you get a lot more bang for your buck cos you can use dollar bills, y'all!

You've already given me like £300.

Rob, I need to talk to you.

Do you? Now?

You can't really put a pound coin down a dancer's g-string.

It's just going to fall out.

I want to tell ya what happened.

What if you didn't? What if you just took me out of the loop?

I found out that Mallandra...

I threw a pound coin on the stage once but it bounced and chipped the dancer's tooth.

Do you ever shut yer f*cking trap for five minutes? Shut up!

Shut... THE f*ck UP! SHUT THE f*ck UP!

( They shout )

And I'll have the 32-ounce Kobe Tomahawk.

Hey.

We can't just roam London yelling her name. I mean, the fact is, statistically, she's going to wake up today, maybe with a concussion and probably with herpes, but she'll be alive and we can send her directly back to Ireland on a bus.

I don't understand. Her Facebook is all PTA and cake sale sh*t and Deepak Chopra quotes.

Maybe she's getting back at you for all that d*ck.

She's missing. She cracked her skull open. I don't know what to... should I call her husband?

What are you going to say?

"Hey, Rick. I know it's been six years but wanted to let you know your wife is f*cking a guy on a boat."

Or dead.

Or dead, but probably f*cking a guy on a boat.

Oh...

She was supposed to help me get my dress today.

I'm sorry, honey.

Are you going straight to work?

Yeah, unfortunately.

Why? I thought it was getting better.

Weren't you going to be a Spy for God?

I don't want to burden you with it now, but my prevailing sense is that it's bad people doing bad things and I'm helping them.

It doesn't have to be forever. You know, just the next 18 years or so.

Right.

Better now?

Special delivery!

Oh, God, don't say special delivery.

Hi.

Oh, my God, what is she wearing?

I don't want to hear it.

Hi.

You look beautiful.

No, I don't. I look like a couch.

A beautiful couch.

I'm going to take the hat off.

Fran really pushed the hat, I don't like the hat.

Well, I don't think you need it because I would like to look at this unencumbered.

Do you want to go in there?

Yep.

(Are you OK?)

(Yes.)

(Good.)

OK, I took it off because...

Sorry I'm late!

You look lovely.

Where the f*ck have you been?!

I thought you were dead or m*rder*d. I nearly cancelled the wedding!

I know, I'm sorry. I ended up in Brighton.

I should've called but I knew you'd just make me come back.

You know your husband has called Sharon maybe 40 times?

It's fine. I spoke to him on the way here, he knows I got a head wound.

Oh, Christ!

Jesus!

Oh, you need to go home.

But I'm your Maid of Honour.

Why don't you both go in? I'll take over here.

It's OK.

I understand the groom would like to say something.

I never thought it would happen this way.

I mean, I wouldn't have ordered this, if it were on the menu.

But there was no menu.

It was like one of those restaurants where the chef just decides what you're going to eat and it's scary because what if you get, like, a pheasant filled with capers?

But then he brings you something unbelievably delicious and you realise he knows better than you could ever know, and you never want to go to any other restaurant ever again.

f*ck menus.

Do you have something you'd like to add?

Erm...

Amen.

I call upon these persons here present...

Actually, I would like to say something, as maid of honour, just now if that's...?

Sure.

It's actually a short song but I think it's very fitting.

♪ When my bonny love did falter ♪
♪ As the river laps the bank ♪
♪ His furtive tongue did loosen for ♪
♪ My love has just become ♪
♪ His eye did gaze upon our place ♪
♪ A love safe fine yet clear ♪
♪ I see your wheel turn fit, my dear ♪
♪ It pleasures me somewhere ♪
♪ The highs and lows where'er we go ♪
♪ Sha. ♪

Sorry, just a second.

( Applause )

Music: Don't Shilly Shally by Edwyn Collins Remember this place?

Yeah.

It's not as nice as I remember it, though.

It's a different room.

I tried to get our room but they'd had to seal it off because they couldn't get our sex funk out.

( He laughs )

We should probably have some sex now, don't you think?

I...

This is pushing down on my fart maker, so...

I'm not sure it's a good idea.

OK.

Hey, how are your feet? Those shoes looked painful.

(They're k*lling me.)

Let me rub them a little bit.

Aww, thank you.

Oh, hey, Fergal was great today, by the way.

I guess whatever he was going on about wasn't that bad.

Oh, no, it was that bad, I forgot to tell you.

This guy fromm Mallandra's work texted her that she looked sexy in her new dress, so Fergal went round to his house and att*cked him, then he tried to put him in the dress and dislocated the guy's shoulder.

But he's decided to drop charges now, so they're all OK.

Oh. Oh, good.

I mean, that's terrifying.

Wow.

What?

Your toenails are mighty long.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. Every time I try to bend over to clip them I feel like I'm going to puke and...

It's OK. I'll clip them for you.

What? No, I'll get a pedicure tomorrow.

That's ridiculous. You're my wife, you're pregnant, your toenails are a hate crime, so instead of having sex on our wedding night, I'm going to cut your toenails.

Hey...

Can I change my mind?

About what?

I think we should have some sex.

What?

What?

Well, you just... hesitated.

No, it's just, I have a handful of your toenails.

It's not exactly foreplay...

That was your idea. I mean, if clipping my toenails is going to turn you off, don't clip my toenails.

Well, I wanted to help you. I mean, they were claw-like.

They weren't claw-like.

They were claw-like and gnarly.

You know what? Just forget it.

No, don't. Listen, I'm not saying I don't want to...

Jesus, I hesitated because I looked at the contents of my hand and then it took a second to divert blood from my brain to my d*ck...

Now you're making me feel sh*t.

Great, like I don't feel sh*t enough.

Why are you doing that?

Because... you hurt my feelings, I don't really want to look at your face right now.

I don't want look at yours either, because you've twisted it from its normal beautiful state into a frowny little sourpuss, like you do every day.

Like I do every day? What, every day of my cursed pregnancy?

Where I've got to go to the doctor three times a week because I'm 41 and every possible thing that could have gone wrong has gone wrong?

I know, I've been there every step of the way and it hasn't been a blast for me either.

Oh, well, why don't you go and f*ck another drunk woman and see if she'll have a nicer, less complicated pregnancy for you?

You know, I would but I've already hitched my wagon to this... horse.

Horse?

Horse, I don't know, donkey... Whatever you hitch a wagon to.

A beast of burden.

Get out.

You f*cking get out, you have got a house. I'll stay here in this hotel that I never should have left in the first place.

OK.

Bullshit.

"Never should have left," what's that supposed to mean?

Wait, are you really going?

Are you really leaving on our wedding night?

Are you sh1tting me? This isn't a f*cking soap opera!

All I've ever done is try and do the right thing.

The right thing? That's what this is? That's what you're doing?

The right thing? You f*cking duty-bound boy scout.

I didn't mean...

I don't want to be the right thing.

I want to be a choice, that's why I f*cking hate this.

You are without a doubt the most hard to please person I have ever met.

If I showed you a rainbow, you'd be like, "Oh, there's too many colours.

"There's too many colours on one thing."

Yeah, well, at least I don't sell dr*gs that k*ll astronauts.

I just started there, and they don't k*ll people any more.

And you believe that, you gullible American prick?

I only took the job because of you, you f*cking ingrate shrew!

f*cking Christ!

Why the f*ck did I...?

( Knock at door )

I'm so sorry...

My waters broke.

My waters broke and it's too early.

What?