03x03 - Croquembouche

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Yeah, I'll be fine ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, the Lord knows it ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Oh, the good Lord knows it ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ I left better behind to be ♪
♪ Fine ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Make my momma turn another blind eye ♪
♪ Eye, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ I left better behind to be fine. ♪

What's up?

I think your dad's in my room.

Is he hiding? Is my dad hiding?

I think he's hiding.

I think if I see your dad cry, I will also cry.

I can't see adult men cry.

Yeah.

He shouldn't be in my room.

He doesn't know which bits are OK to touch.

You have to get him out.

I mean, I do not want to go into your bedroom without you.

Go.

Dad?

Yeah?

Which bits are OK to touch?

Zero bits!

You OK?

Yeah.

Why are you in Tom's room?

Um, I was just curious about his exercise bike.

Found it on the street.

Good find.

Yeah.

You gonna go talk to Mae?

Oh, yeah. I'll go over there.

I was thinking of doing some chores around here too.

Please do not do any chores.

I'm worried about the gutters.

OK.

Arnold's dad is probably just trying his best, you know.

Most people are just trying their best.

Yep.

Try to remember that.

Everything's going to be OK, yeah?

Yep.

Say it, Dad. Say, 'Everything's going to be OK.'

Everything's going to be OK.

Tom?

Can you say that everything is going to be OK?

Everything is going to be OK.

All of us.

All: Everything is going to be OK.

Yeah?

I'm not going.

(Sighs) Why not?

I've got a lot on.

No, you don't.

No, I don't. But I feel like I do and I should honour that instinct.

Oh, Hannah. It's Arnold's birthday.

Which he's going to ruin forever, coming out to his h*m* parents.

Do you want to be a sad, lazy dope your whole life?

I'm just so good at it.

(Sighs)

Please f*ck off out of the house.

Josh: What the hell am I going to talk about at this party?

Tom: I don't know. I don't know anything.

He's going to tell them that he's gay and then he's going to point at me and go, 'That's him. That's the guy.'

Yeah.

'That's the guy that is not a girl.'

Yeah, you're going to have to be, like... like a really good guy.

Do you think this cake's too gay? It's too gay.

Are you meant to not be gay?

Do you have to pretend to be straight until he comes out?

What do I tell them to make them think I'm a good guy?

You want me to brainstorm things that are good about you?

Yes.

Really?

Yes!

Um...

You don't litter.

So... (Laughs)

Yeah! 'Oh, hi, hi. Um...

So, sometimes I put my... penis in your son's butt.

But also, I... I mean, I do not litter!

Yeah, you know, your son, when he was small, sometimes he'd get shy at parties and hide in your dress.

Yeah, well, I-I... I put my d*ck in his butt.'

'Yeah, you know, the one who played little board games with and sometimes you'd pretend to lose.'

Arnold loves board games.

'You know, that son who you adopted and kept safe and happy and loved.'

Oh, well, that, that actually worked out really well for me, yeah, 'cause sometimes, I get to put my d*ck in his butt.

'I do not... I do not litter.'

(Phone beeps)

I wouldn't. I just would not.

I always put the condom wrapper in the bin. Always, always.

What's going on?

Wait.

What?

Wait, wait.

Tom, why won't you tell me what's happening?

Wait.

OK.

Yes?

Wow. Alright.

You remember Christine.

Christine? Of course I remember Christine.

The boss you touched inappropriately.

You two are my everything. I ship you so hard.

She is being charged with sexual harassment.

Stop. Because of you?

No, because of Luke and Simon. Who's Luke and who's Simon?

Other guys in the office who apparently also touched her inappropriately.

How many boys are there?

You know, I really thought I was special.

You hearing this, Hannah?

No.

No?

There he is. Look at him.

Waiting for me out the front. I just love him!

He's adorable.

Oh... oh, no, what is that?

Oh, a special birthday cake for a special birthday boy.

Happy birthday.

No, no, you can't bring that in.

Why? Is it too gay?

No.

It's too gay.

No, Steve does the cake, always.

Steve organises the cake. It's a big, weird thing.

OK.

I guess we can hide it.

It's a lemon meringue pie cake that I made.

I put Italian meringue on the outside. It was hard.

And then I decorated it with little, um, violet flowers.

But yeah, no, I guess we'll just hide it.

Josh wants to know if he's allowed to be gay.

Yeah.

You can be gay.

Should I be straight?

You can be whatever you like.

What about me? Should I have worn a dress?

OK, let's just go in, OK?

If I get to be whatever I like, I'm going to tell them I'm an investment banker.

Good afternoon! Would you like a prime mortgage?

How about some cocaine?

Alan: John, you waste so much time sleeping.

Eh, don't you?

Though I guess that's what I'd do if I didn't know I was going to die.

Eh, John? You're getting on a bit, aren't you?

Not long now, I reckon.

Josh will be devastated.

You've been good for him.

Yep.

You've really slowed down, haven't you?

You're getting on.

Aha! Welcome, welcome.

Um, Josh, Tom and Hannah, these are my parents.

Donna and Bruce. And you remember Steve.

Hi. Hi. Bruce. And, uh, what's your name, fella?

Tom.

Tom. Brilliant.

Um, Hannah. Yeah.

Lovely to meet you. And, uh, Josh.

We're meeting Arnold's friends!

I mean, we never get to meet his friends and now he's bringing home three at once!

I have friends.

Yeah? Not the weird kid who pissed himself?

Mate, come on, play nice.

That was when I was ten, Steve.

Ten is still quite old to wet your pants, isn't it, darling?

Anyway, come in, come in!

Here you go, Joshy.

So, you've got your coffee business turning a profit, still at uni and under 30.

(Whistles)

Yeah, people really like coffee.

I also make sweets, uh, rhubarb lollipops. They're popular.

Rhubarb. Yuck.

Steve.

Alright. You know, good on... rhubarb.

It's alright. You don't have to like rhubarb.

But it's not the lollipops people keep coming back for, though, is it?

It's just a very busy path, mostly.

No, no, no. I think it might have something to do with you.

It's you. You've got charisma. That's what keeps people coming back.

Yeah, I... I dunno...

No, you trust me on that.

(Laughs) OK, yeah, sure.

(Laughs)

Steve, tell Josh about uni.

(Sighs)

Taking a keen interest in the plants?

Yeah.

Plants are good.

Vital.

They make air.

(Phone rings)

Hello?

Rose.

Yes?

It's me, Stuart.

Oh. OK.

So, how are you?

Uh... I'm fine.

Yeah, it's been such a long time and I was just sitting here looking at my lovely roses so it wasn't such a big leap before I started thinking about you.

Oh, that's very nice of you.

(Laughs)

(Sighs) You always did make me laugh, Rose.

Really?

Never underestimate the power of your sharp tongue and your quick wit.

So, what's on today, then?

Ohh, a few chores, bit of gardening.

What about you?

Ohh, um...

My house is a mess. I haven't been very well.

Well, there's no better time than now to sort it out.

Alright.

Yep.

Yep, that's a good idea.

Alright. (Laughs)

How long ago do you think this was taken?

Two years, max.

Yeah, couldn't have been more than two years.

No.

It's too old for Arnold to be in a family portrait.

It's... It's too old!

Christine offered me $5,000 to keep quiet.

You're getting five grand?

I'm not taking it.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. It's horrible.

Yes, you are, you are.

I'm a bit weirdly upset about it.

Did you love Christine?

No.

Well, then, take the five grand and let's go rent a water jetpack.

Well, I guess I'd better head out and reorganise the tool shed.

(Groans) I can't get the corner of the doona into the doona cover.

Hazel and I got divorced.

Ohh.

Yeah. To be expected, really.

She knew I left a little piece of my heart behind when I left you.

Did you?

Yeah.

Also, you know, she wasn't... she wasn't handling my disorder.

Thing is, I was handling it fine.

You're not much of a catch, are you, Stuart?

Oh, I'd say we were about equal.

(Sighs and laughs)

Is Hannah OK?

Yeah, she's fine. She just doesn't really like parties.

I'm not sure I'm ready to officially call this a party.

I don't want Arnold to think that his family and three friends is as much party as he can aspire to.

Could have done without Steve.

He's our burden!

Um...

So... so I've made a mistake.

What?

Yeah, I put on your mum's wedding ring.

Why?

I don't know.

Well, get it off.

Obviously, it's not going to come off, Arnold. Obviously, obviously.

Yeah, but... this is pretend? Please stop.

It's not pretend.

I think I was going to make a joke about us being married.

Does that sound like a funny thing?

Don't know.

What are you worried about now, Arnold?

Look, hi. I've... I've made a weird choice.

Yeah. He was trying to be funny.

Yeah, I'm funny.

You sure are. It's stuck, isn't it?

Yeah.

But of course it is.

Come here.

Just of course it is.

We'll put a bit of oil on it.

Easy. Oops!

That'll... oh, ooh!

I'll google.

At least you didn't wet your pants.

Not yet.

What? No, don't say that.

Why does everyone always end up in the kitchen?

Josh is funny. He put my ring on and now it won't come off.

Ahh! Oh, alright, let me have a try.

Alright. You have a try.

Ohh.

Well, this is intimate.

Look, I always tell you, don't take it off! This is what happens!

Is it? Is this what happens? Because I've never seen this happen.

OK, it says put it in cold water.

Ohh. Just...

The oil's making it very hard to get any leverage.

What's going on?

Oh! Josh here got your mother's wedding ring stuck on his finger.

Why? Why would he do that?

Josh is funny.

And a considerate fellow. Never litters...

Dad, does this mean you and Josh are married?

No, of course it doesn't! (Laughs)

Make yourself useful. You've got dry hands. Give it a go.

Oh, you've got really soft hands.

(Sniggers) Just put it in the ice water.

No, cold will contract the metal.

Yeah, that's what we want.

No, we want it to expand.

I googled it.

Settle. Just settle.

Just put your hand in the ice water!

Oh! That is... it's cold.

Not going to work.

Yeah, it might not work but we have to try.

Fine.

Alright, let's have a look.

No! We need more time.

Sorry, Arnold, that's just so...

Yeah, just pull on it!

Oh! Good job, Arnold!

Hey, can I try it on?

(Chicken clucks)

You a bloke?

Adele, are you a rooster?

Have you told Josh?

Not good, mate. Not good.

No, no, no.

I just thought she actually liked me.

Mmm. I liked being liked.

But she likes everyone, even Simon. Simon.

Well, five grand is not enough. I'll tell you that right now.

I don't want any money.

Right, right.

But this, this...

This is why things like this happen to you.

They don't happen to me, alright? People look at you.

They know they can do whatever they want with you.

You're not going to create a fuss. You value being easygoing.

People can see that. They see it.

They do whatever is easiest to do with you but not for you. Right?

Stand up for yourself. Ask for ten grand.

I just feel a bit sh*t about it.

Well, ask for 20 grand, then.

You feel a bit sh*t about having a new car?

Or your own share portfolio?

Probably.

You should know, I'm fine now.

Better off without her.

Well, that's, that's good, Stuart. That's good.

Yeah. Free as a bird now.

Available for an adventure.

You available, Rose?

Uh, yeah, I suppose that's the word for it.

Alright, look, um...

When I reflect on what my biggest achievement is, I reflect on people.

Two people, specifically.

Because my biggest achievement isn't my job, my house or my wife.

No, my biggest achievements... my two boys.

And that's why today, it's...

It's important, not just for Arnold and his, uh, lovely... lovely friends.

It's also very important for me and my legacy.

So, thank you, Arnold.

Happy birthday, buddy. Happy birthday.

Alright, Arnie, your turn. Up you get.

I don't... I don't think so.

Should I do a speech?

No.

No, you will not make a speech.

Um...

Uh, thanks, everyone, for coming.

Another year older.

(Pants)

I don't...

I don't think I've got anything else to say.

If that's what you want, it's fine.

Come on.

It's fine!

OK, um...

Also, um, Mum...

Dad, Steve...

I love you.

Love you too, kiddo.

Mmm. Here we go, dog.

I'm pretty confident you love me too and I have something to tell you, I'm not sure how you'll react.

Oh, f*ck, he's coming out!

Shut up, Steve. He's not coming out.

I hope you understand and react with compassion and even if you don't, I want you to know that I love you anyway.

It's taken me a long time to come to terms with it but... I'm not attracted to girls.

Um... I have no romantic feelings for girls.

I have a boyfriend, Josh.

He's helped me realise that my best chance at happiness is to be honest.

Yes, bro, we know. I used to have to delete your p*rn off the computer.

You used to delete it? That's sweet.

I knew. I read your diary.

Alright, well.

Good job.

Got me backed into a corner here.

Very dramatic speech.

All lookin' at me like I'm the bad guy. We'll talk about this later.

Shut up, Dad. Just tell him he did a good job, eat some cake.

Shut up, will you? It's a shock.

It isn't, though, is it?

You know that honesty is very... important... to me, to us.

You know it's number one. I've always said that. I...

You know, I...

I just can't believe you lied to me.

I just didn't...

Don't interrupt.

You lied. You did.

But Steve...

He talked about your p*rn.

Why is it... that you didn't feel you could be open... with me?

That is the biggest problem.

Dad, my croquembouche!

For f*ck's sake, Bruce! Why would you slap his croquembouche?

Oh, croquembouche!

Alright, I'm going to go.

Enjoy your cake.

I think it'll be best if Arnold wasn't here when I get back.

You haven't had much to say, have you, Josh?

No.

Hmm.

Oh, Bruce.

Is he kicking me out?

Don't worry, darling. You did a good job.

He still loves you. He just... forgot for a minute.

I'm just not that sure.

Look, I'll give you some money.

Go stay at Josh's for a while. Be as gay as you like.

Shower yourself in... d*ck and glitter.

I'll look after your father.

Thanks, Mum.

Oh, for God's sake.

(Slow music plays)

Dad?

Hi, boys.

I've never been up on the roof.

It's good. I can see the tennis courts from up here.

Do you wanna go up on the roof? We can go up on the roof.

Um... I'll go and get some cutlery for the cake.

Yeah.

Adele's a rooster.

I know.

What? What do you mean?

Adele is a man.

You're going to have to get rid of her.

Get rid of her?

The zoo takes roosters. They feed them to the lions.

No. No, they don't. That's not a thing.

Yeah, they do.

Absolutely not.

How did coming out go?

Not well.

Definitely not well.

Nope.

Arnold's dad's a douche.

Um...

I actually love my dad. This isn't a time to just g*ng up on my dad.

He's probably just... just a bit startled.

I'm happy with it. I did it. It's his burden now.

It's not easy being a dad.

I don't think I was really very good at being a dad.

You're a great dad. Don't you think, Josh?

Mmm.

Gosh, um, yeah.

I...

I've never really thought about it.

I mean, you're the only dad I've ever... had.

I've never considered whether or not you could be a better dad in the same way I've never considered whether or not... the moon could be better.

Sort of just there.

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think...

Yeah, I think probably you're a... a good dad.

Yeah!

Sometimes I just think I'm hopeless.

Oh! I mean, you are.

But that's OK, everyone's hopeless. I'm hopeless, Arnold's hopeless. Tom?

Tom's hopeless.

Arnold's dad says the reason people don't value me is because I don't value myself.

I'm sorry.

He's right, though, yeah?

Like, he's just right.

Do you have trouble being interested in sex when you're on antidepressants?

Sex is a chore I always try to avoid.

Oh, what about love, then? Like... (Sighs)

My emotions are so flat. How can I tell if I have feelings for someone?

I know, it's not ideal.

You take medication to get yourself out of a dark hole but you end up just in a display home on an empty street.

I want to get off the medication, Hannah.

I... I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling the same way at a friend's wedding as I do at their funeral.

You know you feel like you're ready to come off medication because the medication is working.

You know it stops working when you stop taking it.

Yeah, I know.

The thing is, I just took myself off my medication.

And I'm f*cked. Like, f*cked. It's bad.

I've started hitting myself again.

What?

Hitting yourself?

Yeah, we've all got our things. You try and k*ll yourself. I tenderise.

Hannah!

Oh, I'm so sorry. What can we do about that?

It's fine. I'm taking my meds again. I'll be beige inside soon enough.

Just really hurts to know that I need to take pills simply to function.

Really painful. I can't wait to be beige again.

Alan, I did just want to say that it wasn't very cool, what Mae did.

Thanks, Tom.

I'm OK.

I'm... pretty resilient. I'm not gonna let it break me.

Do you know that up until the age of nine or ten, boys cry the same amount as girls?

And then society teaches them not to cry. We're taught not to cry.

You don't have to be resilient. It's OK to break.

Right.

Thanks, Arnold.

I'm actually just building up the courage to go and sort it out now.