01x05 - Episode Five

Episode transcripts for the TV show "You, Me and the Apocalypse". Aired September 30 - December 2, 2015.
"You, Me and the Apocalypse" follows what happens when an eclectic group of individuals are forced to survive together as an eight-mile wide comet heads towards Earth.
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01x05 - Episode Five

Post by bunniefuu »

We got what you wanted. Your brother's address.

I can't just leave her.

The Cold w*r, the guys with their fingers on the button... they all had bunkers.

We can keep 15 people alive.

For up to a century. We call it Mount Genesis.

Did you just...put on the aftershave?


When the TV says that my wife has been hunted down like a dog...

There are seven billion people on this planet, and we've got this guy's nephew.

♪ I can see clearly now, the rain has gone... ♪

See that? That's what's going to k*ll everyone.

Any second now...

It doesn't matter who you are, who you pray to, Black or White, straight or gay, rich or poor.

♪ It's going to be a bright, bright... ♪

Yeah, it's Judgement Day, the actual apocalypse.

And where am I? In Slough.

Or rather, UNDER Slough, watching it on telly.

One minute now. One minute.

These pictures coming live to us from Hubble.

You know that valley in Africa that all human DNA can be traced back to?

Well, centuries from now, will archaeologists say the same thing about Slough?

Woman: Get me out of here!

I mean, are we the future of mankind?

It's time to brace ourselves to say goodbye.

I hope we'll meet again.

( Sirens )

It's a work in progress, but we have every faith in a positive outcome.

Operation Saviour continues to advance at an astounding pace, a testament to what can be achieved through shared international endeavour.

Ten days from now, the Saviour spacecraft will be rocket-launched beyond the Earth's atmosphere...

Man: I have what you want. You have what I want.

Let's do something about that.

Once in place, Team Saviour will be able to pinpoint precisely the best moment to deploy the craft's nuclear warhead, pushing the comet off its collision course with Earth.

Lord, forgive me.

Last night I had a dream.

An inappropriate dream about Father Jude.

I know I must fight these thoughts.

Strive to be pure of thought and deed.

But it is difficult, Lord, for I am scared of dying.

The rest of the world can take comfort in each other's arms, but I have no-one.

Oh, for Heaven's sake, no need to rub my nose in it.

I had to give half our caseload to Father Christophe.

Don't worry. I cherry-picked the best ones for us.

We have a faith healer.

Antonia Volenski.

She's got half of Naples convinced that she's a miracle worker.

What? Why the face when I say Naples?

It's not face. It's just I think we have more pressing candidates to investigate.


Celine, did you just bear false witness in the house of God?

Why don't you want to go to Naples?

Are you in the Mafia?

Witness Protection Programme?

I know - you were a princess, and you went there desperately trying to experience the life of a common person.

That is the plot of Roman Holiday.

So it is Witness Protection?

I will book our transport for the morning.

Celine, secrecy becomes you.


Oh, man! I'm going to get me a big juicy steak and cook it!

And a chocolate milkshake! Ice-cold!

Or a bourbon!

Yeah! Straight up! Straight up. And sex.

By God, all-American f*cking!

I miss sex.

Well, it's not going to be long now, girl.

No, it's not!

( Horns blare )

We barely know anything about her.

We know she snores.

I just want to know why Ariel was important, and I...wasn't.


Are you a bit more awake this time? Do you remember who we are?

You're Jamie.

And this is...


And we're driving to London to find Ariel, and it's taking forever because of the end of the world and the ridiculous bloody traffic.

( Horns blare )

Top marks. Word for word.

Mind like a steel trap, me.

Crisps, Coke, taser?

Did you say tasers? We're fine, thanks.

Depends, innit? Won't be long now, there won't be no laws.

No please and thank you. You all right for bread? Taser.

You want to keep them shoes? Taser.

No need for tasers now you've got me.

I once took down a cop with his own truncheon.

Are you serious? Yeah, nuclear disarmament rally, '81.

He never saw it coming. Jamie, your vag*na mum is awesome.

No, never.

How would she collect the money? The donations? Soldi. Dinero.

I don't get it.

What's her angle? Maybe there is no angle.

( Whimpering )


Hey, boy.

I heard you're looking for me.

You're not welcome.

Unless you're here to reopen the soup kitchen.

It's time you moved on.

Antonia, I am Sister Celine. This is Father Jude.

May I call you Antonia?

You make people nervous, poking around in that...get-up.

Are these the same people that say you do miracles?

Sorry for the hold-up, boys.

I reckon it's the dr*gs they've had me on.

Waterworks on the blink.

Maybe we should make some noise.

Noise always helps me. We could sing.

Maybe I should...watch the van?


Can't be too careful.


Yes, Mary? Don't suppose you could tell me a story?

About you.

There's so much I don't know.

Yeah, sure. I can do that.

What do you want to know about?


How did you meet Layla?

She must be a gem, you going to all this trouble to find her.

She is actually, yeah.

It's quite a funny story how we met.

Lift broke down.

Lights went out, and we were the only two people in there.

We were stuck in there for three hours.

Even in the dark I could tell she was... amazing, out of my league.

But...I don't know. Something just...clicked.

( Flow of urine )

( She sighs )


It's um...very secure.

Butt-ugly. You can say it.

Them damn cameras are so fake even a hillbilly could see that.

No waiting, no loitering!

Oh, now, Junior, do I look like a loiterer to you?

Mama, is that you?

Jolene, my baby girl!

You're all grown!

Mama's home!

( Speaks Italian )

( Knocking at door )

( He sighs )

Come in.

I spoke to Housekeeping. They gave me a list of bars where Antonia go.

Good, good. Well, she likes to drink. Maybe this is a Messiah that I can...

She does not like religious formality, so I thought we could go inconspicuous.

Is OK?

Yes, um...

You look... inconspicuous.

So I see you outside in a minute?

Yeah, I'll see you in a minute.

Oh, my babies, my little babies!

I'm home. Oh, boy...

Howdy. Lookee here.

If it isn't Big Todd.

Hey, there, darling. Remember me?

Rhonda, this is Todd Senior.

Best kisser I ever met, so I married him.

Todd, this is Rhonda. She's the one who got me out.

She's peach. Very pleased to meet you.

You got out near two weeks back.

I seen it on the news.

Well, now, baby, you know just as well as I do, it's a long road when you're laying low.

If it helps any, I thought about that nice tight butt of yours the whole way.

What's the matter, Poppa?

You ain't gonna welcome your girl proper like?

Or you been so busy stocking up on all this survivalist crap that you forgot how?!


They had me worried for a second.


Leanne? Take a load off.

Rhonda McNeil. Leanne?

You put those things down. That's company!

I'm serious now, kids. You put those things down, and get it.

Big Todd... What the f*ck?

Tell your friend to sit.

Maybe I should just go. Tell your friend the reward on her head didn't say nothing about her being in good health.

You stay right where you are, Rhonda.

What the hell's got into you?

Times are what they are, and we could use the 200K.

This woman got the mother of your children out of jail!

Think she's your friend, huh?

Think she's one of us? God damn it, Big Todd, did I call her a f*cking peach or did I not?!

Tell you about her husband, then, did she?

What?! Of course she told me -

What about her husband? You ain't seen a picture?

You ain't heard his name?


What are they talking about, Rhonda?

Uh, I think this must be the place.

Just a water for me, please.

I'm surprised to see you here.

You're here to check I'm not some crazy woman claiming to be holy, so relax.

I'm not holy. I never said I was.

You're going to join me, won't you, Sister?

If I do, you will talk to us, answer our questions?

Sure. If you answer mine.

Scotty? In here.

I know about Mount Genesis.

Don't worry, my lips are sealed.

After all, if I tell the world about our little bunker, it wouldn't be exclusive any more, would it?

So you're going to meet me tonight. Bring proof of the bunker's location.

And the keys. BOTH the keys.

Come alone.

Or I k*ll the kid.

( Whinnies )

( Whirring )

( Music plays )

If he knows about the keys, we're being bugged.

You didn't say anything about the bunker. You said he had Spike.

We have to go and meet him, right? We don't have a choice.

You have to leave this to me. YOU stay on Genesis.

This is Spike, OK - You have 22 days to do four months' work!

Strategy, staying cool, scaring the crap out of people... that's what I do best, so I'm going to find out everything I can about this guy, and I'm going to take care of it, OK?

You're avoiding the question.

You do realise that you're flirting with a nun?

That's a question. Only Celine gets to ask questions, and it's not her turn.

Celine, why are you a nun?

OK, OK. My mother was a...

She went out to work one night, and when I woke up in the morning, I was still alone.

I was scared of the police, so I ran.

Begging, stealing... trying to stay hidden.

You lived on the streets?

Of Naples?

Eventually, the sisters found me.

They gave me a home. But your file...

You never said...

You were so rude that first day.

You took one look, and decided you knew everything about me.

In retrospect, that does seem like a dip move.

I thought so.

Maybe we are done making assumptions about each other, yes?

Tell me... what are your plans for the last weeks on Earth?

In all likelihood, you're going to die in 22 days.

I'm going to die, him, her...

Those three on the sofa who I'm pretty sure are having sex.

The Pope himself is going to die in 22 days.

And you're saying you can't think of one thing you want to do before death?

Is this it?

Is this where Ariel is?

Ready? Of course he's ready.

Look at him. He's ready for anything.


( Ringing )

Sorry, Jamie. Don't be sorry.

We'll find another way in.

There'll be clues. We'll work out where he's got to.

Not a problem, boys. You leave this to Mary.

Oh... Yeah, great.

Breaking and entering worked out great last time, didn't it?

What did she say, anyway?

About the whole left in a car park thing. Dumping you, and keeping him?

Shush! What?! I was asleep for ages.

Did you even speak to her?

Detached the heating unit from the wall.

Still got it.

Oh ho! Sweet!

Look for hard drives, old mobiles, address books, receipts, anything.

I'll check upstairs.

He's so positive, isn't he? He's so full of light and hope.

Yeah, he's adorable.

Right up until I have to watch life kick him in the b*lls over and over again.



Who's this?

Oh, that's Ariel.

That's your brother. The girl. Who's the girl?

That's Hawkwind.

She's pretty, isn't she?

They were very young, but I could hardly object. It's not like I was ever the best role model.

Layla. It's...


No. No, love. That's Hawkwind.

That's your sister-in-law.

Yeah, right in the b*lls.

Come on, Celine. He can't take his eyes off you.



Celine, do you know the origin of the word apocalypse?

The Latin comes from the Greek.

Apokalypsis. To uncover.

Reveal. What if there is a reason they got one word from the other?

What if the apocalypse is meant to reveal us?

Strip us back to what we are really made of.

How do you do it? Feed all those people.

You think if I can perform miracles, I can tell you what to do with the rest of your life?

OK, Sister Celine... I'll show you.

Maybe Layla's got a twin too.

I mean, it's not completely impossible, right?

I'm sure the odds that she didn't know she had an identical sister aren't great...

( He sobs )

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

Ignore me. I don't know what I'm saying.

All my relationships have been based on lies.

My mum lied to me my whole life.

And Layla...

No, Hawkwind.

Her name wasn't even...

I didn't even know the name of my own wife.

( Footsteps )

He'll be all right. He's just.. He'll be fine in a sec.

I know he's disappointed, but we just have to remind him that whatever happens, these worldly concerns are beneath him.

Even if Layla is a bit of a no-good Delilah, Jamie walks a different path from the rest of us.

Uh... OK.

Jamie is divine, Dave. But then, as his closest disciple, I'm sure you know that.

His what now?

What we need is a good, strong brew.

Ooh... Mary?

What do you mean when you say Jamie's divine?

You don't know?

Jamie knows, surely.

I've never been a believer, but then God spoke to me when the boys were born.

Jamie is special.

Second-born would be mine, the first was his.

It broke my heart.

But my Jamie was destined for great things, and I had to be strong.

To this day, I have to be strong.

Oh, he's only got herbal.

Will that do? Yeah, and just to be clear, Mary...

You left him in a car park because - Church car park.

A church car park, and you did that why?


Because Jamie is the son of God.

Why are they celebrating?

Why not? Better than sitting back waiting for death.

If a ship doesn't pass inspection, or they can't pay their taxes, the containers sit here for months.

Food rotting while people go hungry on the other side.

And you tell them it comes from God.

No. No, I just don't correct them.

Better than get caught and lose our supplies.

f*cking H Christ! I am not the Messiah!

Hey, hey... Inside voice.

None of the Layla stuff is Mary's fault. Are we sure about the Messiah thing?

I heard what I heard.

Mary, God doesn't speak to people outside of Charlton Heston films.

God definitely didn't speak to anyone in Slough in the '80s.

You were unwell. No, not back then.

I wasn't sick then. You heard a voice in your head, and you left a newborn baby in a cold, empty car park.

Church car park.

You left me...at night... in the middle of winter.

I could have d*ed.

But you didn't. I knew you wouldn't.

How is it that everyone I'm related to is completely barking insane?!

Come on, Jamie. Come here.

What the hell is wrong with you?

She thinks I'm...

I think I have the right to be a little bit really f*cking angry right now!

Keep your voice down, and try not to make this ALL about you just this once, yeah?

It kind of is about me, isn't it?

What were you expecting when you rescued her from that place?

You took responsibility for her, and for what?

So you could break her heart the minute it turns out she's actually properly ment*lly ill?

No, of course not. Listen, I know Layla did a number on you, and I'm sorry.

I really am, but it's time to start thinking about other people now.

Like Mary. Like Paula. Paula?

What's Mum got to do with this?

Paula rescued you from the car park! Paula raised you. I mean, have you called her this week?

No, I know you haven't, because I did, and she's gutted.

Look, you're upset, of course you are, but we're all upset, mate.

Everyone's scared, so stop being a bell-end, and stop taking people for granted.

I'm going back to searching, OK?

So, what do you get out of this?

What do you get out of being a priest?

I help people. If it's been a good day, I sleep better at night.

( Banging )

You healed people. You saved that man's life.

No, I offered first aid.

That's all. What? Are you disappointed?

Maybe a little.

Are you going to denounce me, then?

Expose the awful truth?

I think the least we can do is look the other way.

You can do a little bit more than that.

Don't you think?

He that hath pity on the poor landeth onto the Lord.


( Alarm )

Stopped seeing the tattoo, but that's really you, isn't it?

Well, maybe we both saw what we needed to see.

What is all this?

Water purifier? Freeze-dried hotdogs!

You really believe this stuff's going to save you?

Yes, ma'am. We've got the best bunker in ten blocks.

Except for Mark. He's got a hot tub.

We's get saved on account of we're the chosen ones.

Because we're pure.

Pure? Are you...

Are we talking about skin colour again?

I have news for you.

Even if you survive the comet - which you won't, by the way - after that comes earthquakes, tsunamis, acid rain, you name it.

It's an extinction-level event.

That means White people, that means Black people die, that means we ALL die!

What did I tell you, kids? Some folks are real ignorant.

I say we hold off on calling the cops for now.

Little miss high and mighty here used a kid as a human shield last week.

The reward for this bitch is only going to go up.

( Exhales )


Got you, you w*nk*r.

You should know that I'm not anyone special.

OK? I'm just an ordinary guy.

Like Ariel. Well, not exactly like him, but...

You get what I'm saying, right?

I'm not... holy.

Get in!

( Music plays )

Naughty naughty...

Now the house is going to blow...

This property will self-destruct in 60 seconds.

Dave? What's going on?

The house is going to blow up. We should go. We should get out now.

( Siren )

Mary, come on. We've got to get out of here!

Self-destruct, Mary! Do you hear me?

40 seconds...

Mary! Come on, what the hell are you doing?

Get the hell out of there!

Mum? Please...

Self-destruct in 30 seconds.

Mary Conroy, you did it.

I tested your faith, but you held strong.

Self-destruct in 20 seconds.

I was ungrateful, and...


Now it's time to follow me.

Self-destruct in 10 seconds. Come!

Come with me. I knew. It's true.

Yes, it's true.

I'm the son of God.

Now let's get the f*ck out of here.

Self-destruct in three... two... one...

( Sirens, dog barks )

Are you excited for this?

I know I am.

Enter General, stage left.

And the curtain rises on this evening's show...

We're going to have to do something about that, aren't we...


Very boring, Spike.

I had this whole thing beautifully choreographed, and now you've thrown it right out.

Shame... Now you're going to miss the show.

( Muffled cries )

Looking for us?

g*n down, soldier.

Kick it to me.

You brought what I asked for? Uh-huh.

Show me.

Map to the bunker.

And one of the keys. One? That wasn't the deal.

Well, if you know anything about the keys, you know both are necessary.

We don't get in without you, you don't get in without us.


I need three places in the bunker guaranteed.

Three? Three.

We can arrange that. Throw it here.

Who's the third place for?

What? Well, one place for you. We assume one for Moscow girl.

Who's the third?

What did you say?

You know, your Interpol file is a real page-turner.

So, the woman in Moscow - the one who nearly got you caught - does she know you're doing this for her?

You don't know what you're talking about.

Obviously, you realised she set you up, but you still came out of hiding just to talk to her.

I saw the photos. She's...

She's very beautiful. Throw me the envelope, or the kid dies.


What's her name, the Moscow girl?

Shut up. Have you told her yet?

Have you told her how you're going to save her?

Are you kidding me?! Give me the envelope, or I'll k*ll the kid! I will.

Does she know about the bunker is all? What?! Does she know about the bunker?

No, no. OK? She doesn't.

What about third place? Do they know? No-one knows!

Oh, no-one knows... No!

He'll be d*ad before I even h*t the...


Whatever this is, you're going to sleep it off.

OK, buddy? You're going to be fine.

You shouldn't have come. You were going to k*ll him.

What a way to stop me, by almost k*lling him.

We're supposed to be saving people.

Right, then... Do we take him to the hospital?

First we get rid of the evidence.

Reporting on mark C, mark F and mark G.

We have a situation.

No, not Mark.

THE marks, as in the targets, the subjects.

No, there's no-one called Mark.

It's not even about -

They've made contact, and it's not pretty.

We need new orders ASAP.

Sodding code names.

No-one bothers to learn them apart from us.

I am drunk.

Yes, you are.


Are you happy?

Am I happy...?

You don't seem happy.

Why not leave?


The Church? No.

You never thought about it?

Look, my option is up in three weeks.

I might as well stick it out.

This is why I did not tell you about Napoli. You take nothing seriously.

Come on. Death is when people like you and I clean up.

I mean, we've put in the time.

The comet hits, we go right to the VIP room.

I do wish you'd told me more about yourself, though.

I'm sorry you were dealt such a crappy hand.

I took vows because the convent was the only home I ever had.

But now, do you ever wonder what kind of person you would be?

I know exactly the kind of person I would be without the Church.

Well, I am glad you are a priest.

And I am glad I met you.

No more alcohol for you.



What, what...?! Shush.

Keep it down, damn it.

I slipped a mickey in the meatloaf, but Big Todd up there has a high tolerance.

What? What?! Get up.

I filled up the t*nk, and packed you up some food.

Minced steak and milkshakes, but beggars can't be choosers.

You think I didn't know about your husband, dumb ass?

His picture's been all over the TV.

Take it.

Leanne - You'd better spend it.

This shit's gonna be just about fit to wipe your ass with pretty quick.

You can come with me, you know.

I got my people, and you got yours.

You don't want me in DC. Who says I don't?!

Oh, yeah? You'd be OK introducing me to your son?

Think your husband would shake my hand?

Well, you take care of yourself now, hon.

You have yourself a real good apocalypse.

You too, Leanne.

Mary's in there making friends with everyone.

I would complain, but she scored us the last packet of... What? What's happened now?

Hang onto this for me?

You decided where we're going yet?

We're going home.

We're going back to Slough.

I mean, the white horse could be d*ad out there.

It's like Schrodinger's cat with a car and a cyber t*rror1st.

He's both d*ad and undead. Scotty...

I'm a m*rder and not a m*rder, simultaneously - Scotty!

Come here.

If we take the white horse to the hospital, and he wakes up that's it, we can kiss Mount Genesis goodbye.

I don't know who we are any more.

We're the idiots trying to save the human race.

Welcome to your new home.


OK, if this is about that Second Coming crap, you picked a bad time.

My mom's in DC! What?!

Funny-looking thing, isn't he?

OK, I want every exit sealed.

You made your choice.


Maybe a few deep breaths...
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