01x02 - Cash Poor

[bunniefuu]

Meanwhile, on "Con Man"...

Are you Wray Nerely?

Eh, no. I am not...

Jack Moore. You guys, you're like best friends, right?

ret*rd.

To impede or hinder.

Those fans are retarding me.

Be who they think you are.

Sean Astin? Is that your seat?

Yeah.

I am not moving.

What the hell, man.

Sir, I need you to take your seat, please.

Yes?

Excuse me, sir. You wouldn't happen to be a sci-fi fan, would you?

f*ck off.

I think this man needs some warm nuts and maybe a towel.

Hot, hot, hot towels.

Sir...

Con Man - Episode 2 - "Cash Poor"

Nerely!

Don't eat them.

Bobbie!

What are you doing in my room?

I wanted to make sure you got in okay.

I'm not okay. I'm not okay. Look!

I'm broken.

Here.

Why don't I get you something from the medicine chest.

Oh, god...

Promoters say they're very, very sorry.

This is the cost difference between first class and coach, minus my 15%. Here.

Could you just put it on the table? I wanna let it cool off a little bit.

Okay. Oh...

There's a script for you.

It's just a non-disclosure agreement...

No, no...

I have the script!

Bobbie...

It's a western! With Clint Eastwood!

Hush it down!

Hush it down, no one Is supposed to know about this.

Well, I can know! I'm like your agent.

No, no you're not.

My agent is like my agent.

I'm like your manager.

No, you're like my science fiction convention booker because that's what you do. You book me at science fiction conventions.

This has nothing to do with you.

I happen... To have almost been in a little Clint Eastwood movie called "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly".

Really?

Yeah, I auditioned for the ugly.

He even had a nickname for me...

"Dirty, hairy... and mouthy".

Hey... Wray...

Come on, I know I can help you with this. Here...

No.

Have a little bit of wine, I think it's very expensive...

Alcohol makes my face bloat, I have to play 30 for this role.

Oh, boy. That's a stretch...

Hey, move over. Come on, let's go over the script together.

No.

No, Bobbie.

No, really, I think there's a part in there for me.

No!

Why? Come on, what are you, in pain?

Why are you watching Spectrum?

Oh, the hotel channel they're doing a whole marathon, in your honor. They are big fans.

You know... science fiction is supposed to be about the future.

Why are the fans so obsessed with the past?

I'm almost out!

Who's that?

Oh, the convention sent over a personal assistant.

How long has she been in there?

She's sick.

Poopy sick.

Poopy sick?

Is she a volunteer?

Volunteers are all fans.

Well, everybody is a fan, Wray!

Don't do that.

What?

Your flattery retards my art.

Okay? It retards it right up.

Hello, Mr. Nerely.

I'm Karen.

You're dressed just like me... She's dressed...

Just like me.

Well...

The shoes are off.

How is that possible?

Someone posted a picture of you online from the airport.

And this way if stalkers are following you...

I can draw them away because they'll think I am you. Plus...

We're a team, right?

Yeah, there's... there's no reason for this...

There'll never ever be a reason...

For a decoy...

Is that smell you?

I'm sorry.

I think it was the Belaran bourbon balls someone brought to the party last night.

I do need a fan, now, Bobbie, I need one that spins and moves the air around.

Oh, come on, Wray, it's not that bad.

Let's go.

Such a little girl...

Karen?

Karen?

Karen had to crap a bunch more.

Wray! Look at that line!

I'm right over there.

I'm signing autographs just a couple of tables down from you.

You're signing?

Yes!

You know, I haven't always been a talent booker.

I was in 12 sci-fi films.

Okay... 6.

3.

2...

One.

Look...

I'm still getting back spasms.

Hey...

Is Spastic...

Seasonal Pem(mumbles)...

(continues mumbling) a thing?

Yeah, it's a thing.

I had an aunt once was lousy with that stuff.

Hi, sorry, I'm good.

Good. Alright?

Okay, are we ready, team?

Let's go!

Oh, yeah, I'm on my own.

Okay, look, I've got an audition soon.

I want to rehearse, so we need to get through this line fast.

Let's see what you got.

I love you, Wray!

Is that you?

Yes, it is.

Did they not have photography back then?

Oh...

Hey.

You again. You want me to finish signing your shirt?

You know, no... I'm alright... with that.

I just came to get my lucky pen back... from ya.

Sir, would you like an autograph?

No, I have so many, they're actually... very heavy... in this...

Tote.

That... was given to me by Jason Momoa, the good Conan, so... if you could just give it back...

That is why I am here.

Is that his pen?

No, it is not.

You know? Cash... would return the pen.

Really?

Oh...

My name is Wray.

This is my pen.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

No it isn't. No, it's not.

Is. Is too!

Sir, you are insinuating that Mr. Nerely is a liar, a petty thief, and an arrogant assh*le.

Leave the line now!

Damn!

Next.

Hi.

Oh, my god...

How ya doing?

I'm a hugger, come on up here.

Sir?

I need you to let go.

Okay.

I'm so sorry.

I'll bring my taser next time.

Okay.

Next.

Hello.

Can you make it out to Kevin?

Okay.

To Kevin...

Here we go.

Can you just hand it to me?

Yes, there you go.

Thank you very much.

Next.

You write something for me?

I think... I know what you want me to write.

I...

Will...

Willlllll...

Seeeeeeee...

Youuuu...

In helllllllllllll!

Your show... helped me to forget what happened to my village.

I burn it down.

Thank you.

You are an angel... from the hell.

Let's go.

Oh my god, that was amazing. You are a machine!

Thank you, thank you.

You're a machine!

I just...

A soft serve machine.

Remind me not to have any of those bourbon balls while I'm here.

Is that my script?

That was in my pocket.

Yeah, so was your wallet.

I needed to get some cash so I could make extra copies.

It's Clint Eastwood!

Hush.

Hush it down.

No one is supposed to know about this.

Well I think Clint...

Wouldn't mind if I rehearsed with you.

Okay, hush.

Hush, please.

Please.

Keep your voice down.

I am a professional actress.

I have been in films, television, plays, circuses, training videos, commercials and snuff films.

So, I think I can be trusted to run an audition with you.

Did you say snuff films?

Yes, we botched the ending though...

Okay...

I will leave this with you if you keep quiet.

Yes! Okay.

Hush. Let's go.