03x05 - Halloween Walks Into A Bar

[bunniefuu]

[Spooky music]

Yeah.

Oh, there he is! My BF.

Come join my GF and my other BF.

That better not mean "Black Friend".

Candace and I, first pumpkin we ever carved together.

We're gonna put a bad toupee on him and call him "Donald Tr*mp-kin"

That's not going to work. It's not orange enough.

What are you making, Shel?

Same thing I make every year, Danny A pumpkin bong.

How cute is my lady's outfit?

I'm pizza rat.

I don't get it. Where's the pizza?

Mo, come here.

*** Go!

If that dog is going to be a pizza tonight you gonna want to keep him away from me once I spark up this pumpkin.

Okay, I'm going to grab my tail and get out of here.

God, I'm crazy about her. Thank you, Mo.

I'm crazy about her. Danny, you have to let me know if I'm ever screwing this thing up. I just want her to know I'm always thinking about her I'm always thinking about you!

Hey! You're screwing it up. Okay? You're being way too romantic with her alright? There's much easier ways to scare off a girl. Just dance like Drake.

You know what I mean. That stupid video.

Danny, Danny, Danny, you beautiful, dumb bastard.

There's no such thing as too much romance.

Okay, babe, I'm going to meet you at the bar, babe.

Okay, Ding, ding, ding! Forgot to pay the hug toll.

What the hell is that?!

Ah well Danny, it's this very cute thing Justin has been doing where I have to pay a hug toll every time I'm about to leave. Here we go.

<chuckles>

All right.

Ding, ding, ding, ding! Rush hour. You know what that means.

Hug toll doubles. Okay!

Okay, I'll see you guys. See ya!

Oh yeah.

Oh! Oh, no. Oh god! You know what?

My penis just jumped off my body and ran away.

Well, mine wanted to leave, but it was afraid it would have to pay the hug toll.

Iceberg dead ahead.!

Captain of the Titanic!

I love it!

I got to say that's much better than the year you went as a ghost with a boner.

No, I went as a ghost, and then I met someone.

What are you?

I'm Jewish Wolverine.

He's like regular Wolverine but he has some stomach issues.

I've been taking probiotics but I don't know what's going on with my back I don't get it. What are you? Oh! Are you a lesbian librarian?

No! I don't have my costume on yet.

These are my real clothes.

Thank you god.

Oh, man, thank God I made it because There was a horny police horse following me around for, like, three blocks.

Do you want a beer?

That means yes.

I'm going to surprise Candace with a couples costume.

She's gonna be Goldilocks and I'm gonna be the bear that's "just right."

Uh-oh, looks like you've agitated the centaur Whoa boy.

Come there. Eat some more. There you go.

Hey man, we've all been talking, alright?

You're way too romantic with Candace.

We're just worried the relationship is so new and it's hard to tell someone your with, that you don't like something about them She's right man, it took me two years to tell my college girlfriend that I didn't like that she was female.

You gotta be careful, bub-ala. I'm Jewish Wolverine.

This is the way you can ruin a relationship.

Yeah man, you've got to tone it down, alright?

Tone down? No can do, Danny.

See, my romance does Cross-fit because it's all toned up.

Candace loves it.

Oh you think she does?

No, she doesn't. Alright I can prove it to you. Back up. Hang on right here.

And bam! Hey Candace, as Justin is not in the bar at all, could you come over here and talk to me.

Have a seat. You know how Justin has been all over the top romantic lately?

Uh, does that get on your nerves at all?

No! No, I love it. I think that it's great.

I mean, yes, he does do a lot of stuff like the hug toll, the butterfly kisses, cuts all of my food into heart-shaped things and it's kind of hard to sleep with him constantly rubbing my back and whispering in my ear: "I'm right here."

But no. I think it's great.

Hm, you know your words say one thing but your eyes say another.

Look deep into my amulet. Let the truth free.

[Eastern sounding gibberish chant]

Okay. Yeah, all right.

Fine, you guys. I broke it.

That's how bad the truth was.

It drives me crazy to be honest with you.

I feel really bad. I should go tell him.

I'm going to be right back.

Come on!

Is everybody seeing this or am I just really high right now?

Justin, when things slow down around here, can we talk about something?

Yeah! Of course. Definitely Get out of here, you little rat. I hope you're happy, Danny.

A few hours ago I was imagining the kids we were going to have and now it's all ruined! You're like a human birth control.

Hey! You know what? I know you're joking about me being birth control.

That's actually a compliment, okay? It's a compliment! I'd be great at being birth control alright? If my woman, that I was protecting wanted to not have kids, I would protect her, against any one of those little buggers, dude Yeah? Well, they wouldn't get into the forbidden zone at all!

Get out of the forbidden zone!

None shall pass!

That's not something you see every day.

A shirtless man-horse fighting off imaginary sperm.

Oh no! Oh my God! There's 5 million more!

That's enough, Danny! Justin, you can't just be mad at him.

We all did this.

Who the hell are you supposed to be?

I'm sexy Steve Jobs.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

This is a huge opportunity. Yes, Candace is going to comment that she doesn't love all the romance, but do any of you guys know what women think is the sexiest thing on earth?

I'm just being optimistic here, but is it grown men who are really good at Halo Five?

Nice try but you're actually dead wrong!

It's half man, half centaur horsey guy that can do this move.

No, okay? It's being able to communicate openly with your partner without them getting all sulky and insecure.

Right so when Candace comes to you, whatever she says, you just say:

"No problem, I'll work on that."

Honestly, if any man ever said that to me, my pants would immediately be on the floor.

No problem, I'll work on that I just don't know if I can face her.

I don't want my feelings to get hurt That was me just hanging up missing persons flyers for your testicles.

Dude, it's actually so easy, okay? All you got to do is put on your armor and nothing comes through, dude.

Man up, man. Watch.

Here. Shelly, let's practice.

Pretend your my girlfriend and try to say something that's going to hurt my feelings.

Mm-mm, at the Justin Bieber roast, Martha Stewart was funnier than you.

She didn't write her stuff.

Guys, I can't help it. When I'm in a relationship I go in g*ns a blazing.

You know, Roses! Poems! Intimacy! Reload.

Compassion! Pillow talk!

I know who I am and I know it can be much to handle.

I thought I met someone who liked me for exactly who I am. But I guess I was wrong.

I guess I'm in love with another girl who wants me to be different.

Wait, did you say just say you're in love with her?

Justin... I... I got to go.

What?

Candace...

Did you at least think I was funnier than Ludicrous on the Bieber roast?

[Doorbell]

Just a second little ghouls.

Trick or treat!

Apples and toothbrushes? I will burn this place to the ground!

What do you guys want?

Uh, excuse me. We want you to put on a costume and come back to the bar and see Candace.

Not happening.

Alright, you guys heard him.

We tried. Let's leave.

Thank you.

You win Justin.

Goodbye, Justin.

Why are you guys moving closer to me?

Seize him!

What...?

What the hell was that about?!

Congratulations. You're a hero now.

You're a relationship hero. Okay? Do you understand?

So now just come back to the bar and talk to Candace although you should, maybe do some pushups first. I don't know...

What? Go back and talk about what?

More of the things I do wrong? No thanks.

Ah! You're being such an idiot.

No problem, I'll work on that Why aren't you taking your pants off?

Oh god!

The one thing that you do annoys her. Big deal, okay?

Good couples change for each other.

Take it to church.

Look, she's right, mate.

Leslie is crazy about her boyfriend but she still spent hours yesterday crushing him about the stuff she doesn't like.

It wasn't a big deal. I just said Mike, don't call me from the car just because you're bored. If he snores, he needs to fix that. If I snore, it's adorable.

Yes, I want takeout, no, I won't pick the place and no, I won't make the call.

And, it's up to you to make the first move in the bedroom, but, I'm never gonna tell you when that is.

God, it is really amazing he hasn't proposed to you yet.

Yo! Are you coming or what? Come on...

Look, I appreciate the effort...

This is my problem with relationships. I go too fast and fall in love way too early and then it crumbles.

I just don't think I have it in me tonight. Sorry.

I'm not, I'm not your hero.

Mate, for what it's worth, if your relationship is sinking I'll be your mate, and I'll go down with the ship!

No, no, probably not the right thing. Okay...

Come on, guys. Let's go.

Why do you care so much?

Hey man, don't you get it?

We want your relationship to work because...

Shelly, can you say the thing that my body won't allow me to say please?

You're the best guy we know Justin.

Yeah, if you can't make a relationship work then...

What are the chances do the rest of us have?

Hey Brett, can I get another beer?

What's up Pooh-Bear?

You got any honey for me?

Oh, that sounds like a sexual come-on.

Well, you're a smart bear too. Come and find me in my dressing room OK?

Is there a door over there?

Hey, what's up?

Have you seen Justin anywhere?

Did I hear someone say "Hey, Danny, have you seen Justin anywhere?"

Hello, dame...

You wanted to talk to me earlier.

Uh, yes.

Okay. Um...

You know how you do all of those awesome romantic things for me, which I really appreciate and they're so sweet, but sometimes it's a little bit much.

Halloween fun...

Ahem...

No problem, I'll work on that.

You will? My God. I thought you were going to freak.

What? Me? Come on! Please...

Uh, anything else?

Uh, Yes, actually, since you mention it, there are a couple of things. I can't stand it when you sleep with your socks on, and when you kiss with your eyes open, it's kind of creepy. Oh! And the way you pronounce:

"Marrrrio Lopez" - you're not Hispanic.

No problem, I will work on that.

She hates me!

I feel...tight...

No, no...

I see bright lights.

That's just a stage light.

Is that my family?

No, that's the audience, sit down.

You're fine, I got you.

I'm proud of you.

Oh, Justin, just one more thing...

Oh, oh, good.

Ummm, this is so hard to say Oh my god, I really don't think I can say it. Uhhh...

You know how you um, took all that stuff I was telling you earlier, really well?

Hit me, I can take it...

Um, well I love that. And I... I love you.

I love you too.

Man, that's so cool that Justin finally found a girl for him.

When am I going to find a girl for me?

No way!