01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

That was Kingsley.

Dolly's leaving him.

What?

She caught him with Gabriela, their au pair.

Dolly: She's practically a backpacker!

He was begging me to come home to talk to her.

(Crash, tyres screech)

(People screaming)

To the happy couple!

All: To the happy couple!

(Cheering and whooping)

The reason I came here tonight is to ask you if you think that you and I could ever be more than friends.

I wish someone had told you.

I have a boyfriend -- a fiance -- and we're madly in love.

Hey... Wait.

I'm married.

I know.

That's your party inside.

I don't think it was ever my party.

He's gone. He's left with her.

♪ PENSIVE PIANO MUSIC

Anna, voiceover: What if it were true?

What if every person on Earth had a soulmate?

Chances are you'd never meet, but what if I'd found mine?

(Phone rings)

And if it were true, then did we have a universal, metaphysical obligation to be together?

Xander: Hello?

(Phone continues ringing)

Beer, please!

Oh, what... a... day!

Dad!

Oh, that Tennis Australia lunch went on forever and I had to drink all their wine.

Dad, you're on me!

What?

Didn't see you under there, little sneak!

(Kasper giggles)

Thank you.

How was your day?

Good, yeah. Busy.

Mm-hm.

I was in that Nature's Wellness thing, the vitamin ad.

And who did that?

Um, Charlotte?

Or Cherie? Cherry?

She was really lovely.

A lovely little someone from somewhere.

And then I picked Kasper up and went to the park.

And what did you see?

A black rabbit.

Mm-hm!

What?

Yeah.

It was a perfect afternoon.

Mmm.

Very good.

sh*t!

Anna, voiceover: Skeet didn't believe in soulmates.

The idea of two people so perfectly compatible would only cancel each other out.

You need friction, electricity -- a spark.

Skeet believed in urgent and immediate love -- love in the right now.

Only problem was that his 'right now' was missing the one thing that he couldn't have -- me.

Kitty never wanted to see anyone again.

Herself included.

Cake?

There's nothing funny about this.

Believe me, I'm not laughing.

I'll take you back to bed.

We'll work out what to do in the morning.

No, Kitty! Kitty, no!

Kit...

(Kitty vomits)

(Toilet flushes)

We're taking you back to Kia Ora first thing in the morning.

I won't stand back and watch you do this to yourself again.

(Cries)

Anna, voiceover: Peter was finding it difficult to distract himself.

He wanted to feel a connection to someone, anyone, if only for the duration of this 13-minute video.

♪ SMOOTH MUSIC A girl on a website couldn't possibility say no to him.

Or could she?

(Horn toots)

Dolly: Hey!

Kingsley: Righto, get out.

Peter: Did I forget you were coming?

We are being spontaneous. New beginnings, all that.

Dolly wanted to smell grass.

I understand completely.

Riley!

Mate, an hour of asking 'When are we gonna get there?' -- we are here, OK?

So, get out of the car. Roam. Be free-range.

Thank you.

He's been spending a lot of time alone with the children lately.

You're looking great, Doll.

Oh, thank you! Break-ups are excellent for your looks.

We didn't break up.

You don't know that yet.

It's complicated.

But the heartache is the same.

Righto, well, come on up.

Xander: Back on the spot. Bit further. We'll go again.

Ready? Here we go.

Kasper: Watch this, Mum!

Watching.

Ready.

Here it comes.

It's alright, mate. You'll get the next one.

Concentrate.

Yep.

One more time.

Mum, I'm gonna get this one.

Go again!

Great sh*t!

Yes! Winner!

In here.

Mum!

Here we go.

Yep.

Can they be any more obvious?

She's liking all his pictures.

Mother: When you were a baby, I used to have these terrible dreams about you, where a snake would bite you in the face or you'd fall out of a window.

Mum...

I once watched helplessly while you drowned in a pool.

I think then you were swept away by a tidal wave.

Remember that Gypsy woman in Rome who whispered, 'Be careful, they will take her,' when she was a baby?

There was that too.

I'm not talking about real life, Phillip.

Wait, where is this going?

Because I feel like you're damaging me psychologically three seconds before you abandon me.

Which will give me something to talk about in group, I guess.

You're our baby girl.

Right now you're going through something more terrible than in my wildest dreams...

I'm OK this time, Mum.

Well, then, concentrating on your health for a week can only be a good thing.

Could you just look at my phone?

Just look -- just to see that I'm not crazy.

Darling, even if Anna is 'liking' Skeet's photos, it doesn't mean anything more than liking his photos.

She's a married woman.

Hey, I'd forgotten about the greenhouse.

That's really lovely. You should go there.

We're proud of you.

Yep, I bet(!) Who wouldn't be?

Just clear your soul, you know? Go for walks.

Climb up to the top of a high hill as often as you can.

f*ckity f*ck.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!

No, no, no, we don't play with that. We don't play with that.

How about some food, hey? Who's hungry?

Have you guys had lunch? I've got a cow in the deep freeze.

Charming.

Is it one of yours?

Yeah, sh*t it in the back paddock.

Wow. What do you do?

Do you just, what -- you creep up on it and then, what -- chk-chk-pwoh?

k*lled from behind!

Pretty much.

I can see you doing that, you know.

What about the other cows?

Yeah, it doesn't distress 'em like you'd think.

Like an abattoir would.

God, it'd distress me.

Well, I think it's nice. It's kinder to do it where they live.

He could sh**t you if you like.

A good solution to the financial ruin you've gotten us into.

I thought you guys were doing well.

We received a preposterous tax bill calling for some short-term domestic consolidation.

We? You.

How preposterous?

Jail-time preposterous.

Oh, Pete, don't make that face.

I know that face. There's nothing worse than that face!

Daddy, I found a dead bird!

Oh!

I retract. That bird's face is worse than yours.

Feral cats are rife. I've got some traps I need to check, actually.

I will come for a walk.

Oh, I'm going to sit here and drink wine in the daytime.

Ah, well, wine is something I do have. You help yourself.

Dammit, I married the wrong man.

Alright, let's go kids.

Dolly is torturing me.

I mean, it's like she's gone on holiday but she's still at home.

She keeps leaving the kids with me, which we both know is not a good thing, and she's started reading and watching television in the day -- and I'm doing everything.

Well, there is an argument for 'you deserve it', you know.

Yes, there is. (Laughs) I know, and I agree, but it's just...

I've found one!

.. I underestimated the inventive ways the woman had of putting both Gabriela and I in situations of the most acute awkwardness.

Daddy, a cat!

A cat with a collar.

Yeah. I know this cat.

(Cat meows)

I hate this cat.

Come here, bub.

What are you doing?

Picking you up.

Are we dancing or walking?

Well, shall we dance?

Yes.

Do you want to follow the cat and have a dance?

Whee, whee, whee, whee, whee!

(Laughs)

This is gorgeous. The countryside, greenery, the unaware beef.

The wine.

Exactly.

Thank you. We don't come down here enough.

There's no stress. The children even seem to like each other.

Tree change?

Oh, mate, we couldn't live in the country.

What's wrong with the country?

It's alright for you.

You've got your whole 'lonely man' thing going on.

I do not have a 'lonely man' thing.

Yes, you do.

All alone out here with your cat traps and your r*fle, sneaking up on cows and sh**ting them.

Mate, you need a girlfriend. The quicker, the better.

I can't. I'm terrible at it. I don't know where to start.

I can't pretend, you know?

And 'come home with me' sounds like a ridiculous thing to say to someone.

Come home with me.

Don't open with that.

(All laugh)

(Chuckles) Ah!

Kitty missed out with you, you know?

She doesn't know it yet, but you'd be the best thing for her.

Are you guys driving home tonight?

He is. We have to get home to Gabriela.

I've been coming in and out of here since I was 11.

I binged my way up to 70 kilos and I purged my way down to 40.

Every morning I wake up and I don't know where I'm meant to be.

It's like I didn't get the invitation to the day that everyone else did.

But I get up and I put on my fake face and I can hear myself talking, but inside I'm thinking, 'Who are you?

You don't even know what you think.

You think nothing. You're stupid, Kitty.'

Last weekend, my fiance...

What a d*ck!

I'll take that as a comment, Zoe.

You don't know what he did yet.

But it was bad, wasn't it? It was completely dickish behaviour.

He left me at our engagement party in front of everyone I know.

(Exhales) I knew it. d*ck.

Another comment.

He hasn't even called me back.

What did you ever see in him?

I saw my whole life with him.

d*ck.

(Mobile phone bleeps)

(Sports commentary on TV)

Xander: Hey, do you want some pyjamas?

They're giving me a free pair if I buy two.

Sure.

Oh! I shouldn't have told you. It could have been a surprise.

(Phone buzzes)

What's this?

(Kingsley chuckles)

I'm tired.

Doll, I drove all the way home.

I put the children to bed. I read them the same story seven times.

Does that not get a little bit of credit with you?

Just... Please?

Doll, come on, just...

Just a narrow strip of the bed, that's all I'm asking for.

Like a sliver.

I'm afraid I don't want your sliver anywhere near me.

If I just curled up here like this?

And just... just slept?

It's your own time you're wasting.

OK. Alright.

I love you.

Goodnight.

(Phone buzzes)

Go back to bed, Anna.

I just came to tell you that I can't be texting you anymore.

So, when I don't text back, it's not because my phone isn't working.

It is. I'm just not texting you anymore.

I just thought we'd go for a walk.

(Dog barks)

Hey, come on.

[I don't know.]

It's just walking.

(Dog continues barking)

What's that?

It's an arrow.

Look.

There's another arrow.

Yeah.

Did you do this?

I dunno. Maybe.

Come on.

There's another one.

Mm-hm.

I built it for you.

(Laughs) Oh, it's... it's wonderful.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

And I got you something.

This is crazy.

This is the only thing that makes sense.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't even be out here.

I... I don't even know why I am.

I'm married... married to a man who thinks I'm in bed beside him, and I'm not.

I'm out...

Stop thinking about it.

I've really got to go home.

Because the more I stand here, the worse a person I become.

Wait.

This is worse.

This is so much worse.

(Car engine starts)

That's not what I meant.

It's just driving.

Have you spoken to Kitty?

No.

Aren't you worried about her?

Yeah, of course.

You should call her.

You can't just leave someone like that.

What am I going to say?

That you know when you left her at your own engagement party it was a really, really bad thing to do and you're a terrible, terrible person.

I didn't leave by myself.

Exactly.

So whose fault is that?

I just think that if you said sorry, we'd feel better.

We?

Kitty: I've worked out that all the guys I've ever been attracted to wear skinny jeans.

That's stupid, right?

Well, everyone has a type. Just not everyone knows what it is.

I like Asian girls, and no matter how much I try to tell myself it's not a thing, next thing I know, I'm going down, down, down to Chinatown.

(Chuckles)

I want to change my attraction.

Skinny jeans isn't even a personality trait.

They do hypnosis here.

Without skinny jeans, I don't know who I'd be attracted to.

It could be anyone.

Could be bald men.

It very well could be.

Could be very old men.

I'm not ruling anyone out.

Except boys who wear skinny jeans.

Except boys that wear skinny jeans.

(Both laugh)

(Cat meows)

(Cat continues meowing)

Skeet: You hear that?

Anna: What?

The train track. The metal's shrinking in the cold.

How can you hear that?

'Cause it's what I do. I listen.

Hear the light?

(Light buzzes faintly)

It's buzzing.

What else?

I can hear... the trucks down at the docks.

The hum of an air conditioner.

Someone's television.

(Faint TV chatter)

I can hear the television. I can hear it.

What else?

(Soft clicking)

I can hear my wrist clicking.

Wow, I've never noticed it like that before.

I like that sound.

It sounds like you.

Can you hear that?

What -- the stars?

No, it's, like, um, it's a clinking noise.

Clinking?

Yeah. An aeroplane.

People coming back from their holidays.

There's a tea trolley going down the aisle and it's making a clinking noise.

And the stewardess is asking people to raise their tray tables 'cause they're coming in to land.

Yeah. It's the first flight in from Singapore.

See? Now you're getting the hang of it.

Yeah.

(Anna groans)

What time is it?

It is 11 o'clock.

Man, I had the weirdest dreams last night.

It was probably the gorgonzola. It gives you strange dreams.

Mmm.

I thought I woke up and you weren't in bed and that you'd gone.

Oh, you know me, I just crept out for a drive with my lover and then f*cked him in our front yard before I came back to bed.

(Laughs) Lucky you.

All I got was a hand job off a fisherman.

Blue cheese, eh? Stuffs with your head.

Wine?

I don't want it.

It's a 'thanks for not sh**ting my cat' offering, and it's for you -- unless you sh*t her, then it's not.

You're lucky I had two small children with me, otherwise I would have.

It's the third time, Helen. It's always out.

Every time I drive into town I tell myself, 'Helen, remember to get a lock for the cat flap,' and every time, it's the one thing I forget.

See, this is what drives me insane about you.

I spend all my time trying to keep the feral cat numbers down, and you're sitting across the hill with an open cat flap.

Hey, whoa. My cat flap isn't THAT open.

Just take the cat and go before I say something I regret.

(Scoffs)

I'm just glad I caught you in such a good mood.

Look, I like cats. It's not cats I have a problem with.

It's the people who can't keep 'em in.

I find dead wildlife strewn all over the place.

You know I'm going through a horrible divorce.

I don't need another person telling me what I did wrong.

Yeah, yeah. Just keep your bloody cat inside.

Yeah.

(Car engine turns over)

Hey, Pete. You got any jumper leads?

Bottle of wine in it for you.

Kitty: Do you want to get married?

To you? (Zoe laughs) Nuh.

That's not what I'm asking.

But why? What's wrong with me?

I have no interest in being another straight girl's rebound.

I'm not asking you to be.

So stop flirting with me.

Do you want to get married or not?

(Chuckles)

Who'd marry me?

I've never even met the parents of any of the girls I've dated.

Why not?

I'm not exactly daughter-in-law material.

If you were me, staring down the barrel of a broken marriage, what would you do?

Would you move cities?

Nuh. Who cares?

Um... me.

The d*ck is not your problem.

Your problem is that you knew he wasn't into it like you were and you ignored it.

That's your problem.

Um, he asked me to marry him. Why would I not believe him?

There were signs all along the way, weren't there?

Little clues and alarm bells?

But you went on ignoring them and pretending they didn't mean anything, pushing him into thinking you were happy.

Why are you being such a bitch?

Because you're just like all the other first-world people with their first-world problems.

'I'm fat. My husband's gay. I'm ageing. My dishwasher broke.'

You're milking it.

I am not!

You are.

Falling about dramatically, making sure everyone can see you in his T-shirt, crying and moaning and feigning shock that it ended when it was never real in the first place, and you know it.

Now you really are flirting with me.

I'm not that straight, you know?

Yeah. You're a massive lesbian.

Leave me alone, actually.

Oh! Not your precious T-shirt.

Never even heard of them anyway!

I knew it!

I was going to ask you why you're still single, but the great part about today is that now I don't need to.

What's that supposed to mean?

You're truly cranky.

You're like a 60-year-old decrepit in the body of someone who happens to be quite handsome.

Yeah, look, I'm sorry, I'm not in a very social mood at the moment.

Loud and clear.

Hey, how did you even drive here? The car's not worthy of its parts.

Yeah, to be honest, it was conking out on the way here.

I had to roll it along out of gear for a bit.

Whoa!

No?

No.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, I...

I think I misread this whole thing. I...

I thought that's why you asked me over here.

What?

Your text.

I wasn't even sure that you really had my cat until you brought her out of the laundry.

I thought you were sending me some kind of very weird booty-call message.

What part of 'I have your cat and I'm gonna sh**t it' says booty call to you?

Well, that's how this whole thing started, wasn't it?

I thought you were being cute.

Cute?

Yes! You're very hard to read sometimes.

You can be very odd.

Look, I thought we said we weren't going to do that anymore.

This.

Yeah, we did.

But I haven't met anyone since we said that, and you're obviously not doing any better.

I'm under a lot of stress with my ex, and frankly, I could use the distraction.

No, I don't want to go down that path anymore.

I don't want you to think that...

Oh, Jesus Christ, Peter.

I'm nearly 40.

I think I know which path we're on and which one we're not.

Well, it's not about you. It's... it's... it's...

You're so serious!

I'm not asking you to fall in love with me.

♪ I saw a beggar ♪
♪ Leanin' on his wooden crutch ♪
♪ He cried out to me ♪
♪ You must not ask for so much ♪
♪ Saw a woman ♪
♪ Standing ♪
♪ In her darkened door ♪
♪ She said, 'Hey, baby ♪
♪ Why not ask ♪
♪ For a little bit more?' ♪
♪ Like ♪
♪ A bird ♪
♪ On the wire ♪
♪ Like a drunk ♪
♪ In an old midnight choir ♪
♪ I've tried ♪
♪ In my way ♪
♪ To be free. ♪

Can you hear that?

Hear what?

Listen. The fridge -- it's buzzing.

(Soft humming)

Probably time to get a new one.

Let's have fun tonight, hmm?

I can't...

Yeah, don't worry.

Just... just leave it.

Oh.

Should I get a condom?

Yeah.

Now?

Yep.

OK.

Ow!

Oh, is it...

No, it's alright.

Yep. Ah!

Am I squashing you?

No, it's fine.

(Both moan)

(Cat meows)

Oh, Jesus.

(Cat continues meowing)

Just ignore it.

I am.

OK.

(Cat continues meowing)

Oh, Fatso!

Just keep going. It's alright.

(Both moan)

Fatso!

(Cat continues meowing)

Sorry, keep going.

Fatso!

OK.

(Moans)

What is it? What's wrong? You alright?

No, get out, get out, get out.

Get out.

Did I do something?

No.

Is it the cat?

No, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, I slept with my ex.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm a crazy person right now.

Do you think I could still be in love with him?

I have no idea.

(Cat meows)

I think I'll make some tea. You want some tea?

Um, yeah.

OK.

This really is quite awkward now, isn't it?

Yeah.

(Latex snaps)

(Cat meows)

Man: Going once. No, going twice.

Anyone b*at that?

Sold for $3,000!

(Cheering and applause)

Congratulations to you, sir.

Could have bought it at the market for $40, but here you paid 3,000.

Kitty's gone back to rehab.

Oh, no.

She was an inconsolable mess after the engagement party and Mum caught her binging again.

They took her straight in.

Oh, lucky she didn't get any further with that w*nk*r gutless little prick.

I tell you what, I dream of rehab, though.

That, hospital, or prison -- sign me up.

To be locked away where people insist you have to lie down on your bed and not move until it's time for your one hour of sunlight and exercise?

I'm in. God, why are we still talking when we need champagne?

Kingsley: I would have...

[Excuse me.] Hello. Thank you.

Oh, no! My bra strap's broken!

How symbolic is that?

You know, it's, like, the last thing that was holding me up was this stupid strap, and now look at it.

It's like the whole world is laughing at me.

What a month I've had.

Tell me if my boob falls out.

Yeah.

Guess what I've got.

What?

Cocaine...

Dolly, are you serious?

You are hilarious.

I found it in Kingsley's stuff when I was throwing it all around the room, and at him.

Come on, catch up. I've already had two.

[Go on.]

[I can't.]

Yes, you can.

Don't put it...

Everyone's looking now. You're making a scene. Just go.

I'll catch up with you in a sec.

[Hello.]

What are you doing here?

I just came to check on my girl, see how she's doing, and then I'll be off.

Your girl?

Yeah.

You want to help me find her?

What does she look like?

She's beautiful.

Well, there's lots of beautiful people in the world.

There -- is that her?

No. My girl's way more beautiful than her.

She's classy, you know?

She's brilliant.

She's funny and, um, she wears a cable tie.

Stop. No, stop.

People can see you.

Anna, I just want to be near you.

Well, not here.

Alright, our final auction.

There's no need for an introduction, ladies and gentlemen.

We all know he's here.

You've seen him, I've seen him, we all want to be him...

Where's Anna?

Bathroom.

.. ladies and gentlemen, our very own national champion, Alexander Ivin!

(Cheering and applause)

You go like that, like this, and like that, and like this.

(Sniffs)

What are you doing here?

I can't believe that you're here.

Here! (Chuckles)

What have we done?

You know Dolly's here?

And if she saw that you were here, she would k*ll you.

Kitty's gone back to rehab.

I mean, this is terrible. It's terrible.

We are awful, awful people.

And amazing!

(Chuckles)

You are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I think I'm gonna die.

(Chuckles)

I... I still don't think it's working.

I think it's working.

Really?

Why are you talking so fast?

I think it's working.

(Laughs) Really?

(Groans)

I don't know who I am anymore.

Well, I'm not going to be the one to stop kissing you.

I've never been much good at not kissing you.

We're going to be together, Anna.

It's inevitable.

Inevitable?

Emcee: This is our big prize. This is not one to miss.

One hour of tennis with this man, for $2,000.

Do I have $2,000?

Thank you, ma'am! $2,000.

(Cheering and applause)

Can anyone b*at it? 3,000? Do I hear 3,000?

Lady down the back's got it for $3,000.

But we can go higher. Let's take it higher.

(Auctioneer speaks indistinctly)

We can go higher.

We're auctioning this man for $5,000!

Right now!

(Whooping and cheering)

Going once! Going twice!

$5,000!

It's been a fantastic night.

(Laughs) That's really good.

Thank you for bidding.

It's not over yet while there's still alcohol...

I want to live simply.

As in alone?

I want to live in the country.

You couldn't live in the country, Doll.

If we sold our house, we'd clear the debt.

Mum and Dad would let us live in the old house. They'd love it.

It's just sitting there, being dusty and charming.

It'd just be us again -- you, me, and the kids.

No distractions.

You are the best.

(Chuckles) Come here.

Thank you.

It's only a one-hour commute.

(Laughs)

(Door slams)

Woman: I've got a terrible backhand...

Oh, no. Anna?

Jesus!

Sorry.

Hang on. Anna!

Anna! What's going on?

Sorry, hang on, hang on.

(Camera clicks)

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Uh... it just happened.

I... I don't know. I...

It's already done and I didn't tell you, and I'm sorry, Xander...

What's done? What's happened?

Are you alright?

Mmm.

Look, is this really necessary?

Can't I just drive her to wherever she needs to be?

You need to contact your lawyer, Mr Ivin. Come on.

Anna.

Are you going to tell me at least what she's done?

Would you just piss off?!

Anna, voiceover: Kitty had every right to be angry, but in this tiny moment, she wasn't.

She'd spent a large part of her adult life wallowing and she wanted to stop.

Peter's dalliance with Helen hadn't cured him of his heartache.

But being unutterably humiliated so soon after Kitty's rejection of him, Peter was able to see something.

(Laughs)

He finally saw the funny side.

(Car engine starts)

(Laughs)

Gabriela's coming with us to the country.

I once read that if you fall off a cliff, you can die before you hit the ground.

The shock of seeing the earth hurtling towards you can stop your heart.

I was falling, but I didn't find it frightening at all.

I was free.

The ground was racing towards me, and it only made me feel more alive.

(Door slams)

But then I wondered, maybe I was dead already.

Maybe I was smashed-up bones and blood and I just didn't feel the ground when I hit it.

I'm so sorry, Xander.

Did you sleep with him?

Yes, and I'm sorry...

You made me look like an idiot.

All those people were there, and you made yourself look cheap.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...

Stop saying that!

Anna, we made promises in front of people.

We made important, meaningful promises.

All you seem to be worried about is what other people think...

Maybe you should too, 'cause it's gonna be all through the media.

It'll be front-page news...

I love him!

What?

I do. I...

(Phone buzzes)

What does it say?

(Smash!)

End it.

I... I will.

You end it, or you will regret it, I promise you that.

It's over.

Anna, voiceover: Xander just couldn't see that it was over already.

My husband felt like a distant memory to me.

In time, I think we'll forget it ever happened.

You look different.

You look the same.

I hope I don't look the same as last time you saw me.

I was stupid then.

If you weren't such a dickless killjoy, maybe you'd still have a wife.

(Screaming and commotion)