01x04 - Retarding It All Up

[bunniefuu]

Meanwhile, on Con Man...

Die, human!

Jerry!

Hey, buddy!

I have an audition for Clint Eastwood!

Maybe put in a good word for me?

All famous people don't know all other famous people, Wray.

But yeah, I know him. He uh... Borrowed my lawnmower. He owes me a favor.

Are you guys going to make a... "Spectrum" movie?

God, I hope not.

You don't like sci-fi?

I hate sci-fi.

Everybody on the dance floor!

They...

Are Ret*rded... art.

Retarding it all up.

Con Man - Episode 4 - "Retarding It All Up"

Seriously?

What?

What...

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Is one of those coffees for me?

Yes.

Come in.

Did I record my audition last night?

I got an e-mail from the casting director.

"Thank you, great choices, I'll definitely send this on to Clint."

I don't know. I went to bed!

My memory stops at the platinum party.

What the hell happened last night?

I got laid.

Oh, my god...

Oh, no! No!

Do you want a towel?

No.

You leave your towel on.

Did I... did we...

Did I...

I did.

That is disgusting.

Thank god, that's disgusting.

Thank god, that is disgusting!

Did we record my audition last night?

Mmh, ah, yeah.

Think we did that. Yeah.

Please...

Tell me it was good.

I... don't remember.

Oh, my god. It works! Holy sh*t!

After you passed out...

Burnsie and I recorded some...

Other things.

Yeah, ooh!

Benefits of a strong core, right there.

Prepared for you true humans..

Yeahhhhhh...

Okay, well...

I have a panel. Burnsie...

It was magical.

Don't get clingy.

Yeah... I got it, I got it.

Oh, your panel is right after his, so...

Yeah.

Yeah, why don't I meet you backstage in about an hour, okay?

Oh! You can keep my underwear.

Oh, no...

No, no, no.

Andy Serkis and I are very, very different perf cap actors, you see.

In the "Watchmen", for instance...

I performed...

As Dr. Manhattan's penis.

Without me, it was just a...

Dangling blue distraction, right? Right.

I breathed life into that penis.

I gave it mood, expression...

Foreskin.

My father's nipples...

Was a... - Jack.

Hey, buddy, could you give me a call whenever you get this message? It's about that Clint Eastwood thing.

Also...

Jerry f*cked Bobbie.

Oh, my god.

Call me.

Note the right side...

It was his right nipple would... would harden.

And he drank so profusely that... that nipple you could hang a wet leather jacket on it.

It was always out, like for about 3 inches.

How do you feel?

How did you...

I feel shitty.

That Eastwood audition...

It matters.

Okay, well...

The fans matter.

And they love you.

That is a perfect cure for a hangover.

I'm 43.

I mean I know I don't look it, but uh...

Every missed chance...

Feels like a last chance.

Alright?

You know what doesn't matter? Is sci-fi acting.

Sci-fi acting doesn't matter. You're never gonna win an award for it.

No idea as to matter how good you are.

Even Spectrum...

Lasted half a season.

It doesn't have worth.

Who likes Jesus?

I have a theory that...

He wasn't crucified, I think...

Vikings k*lled Jesus Christ.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jerry Lansing!

Thank you!

Yes, the best mocap man you'll never see in the movies.

And next we have for you Your favorite and mine...

Good crowd. - "Spectrum" bone, Wray Nerely!

Thank you.

Sounds like some of you are as hung over as me.

Okay, can we...

Can... Can we...

Little bit more, come on!

Come on, come on. Let's...

Thank you.

That's actually...

Very rejuvenating.

Who would of thought, 10 years later, we'd still be talking about Spectrum? Not me.

But right now, I'm really glad that we are. That was really nice. Thank you, that was worth something to me.

Thank you. I actually feel better.

Um okay, so I'm gonna play a clip here that you've seen a thousand times and then I'll comment on it, which you've heard a thousand times.

Whoa, there's a lot of questions!

Alright, pause that, I think maybe we can, umm... Land, now.

Okay, thanks. I guess we'll go to questions...

First.

Why did you say you hate sci-fi?

Yeah!

Seriously?

I... I said that. I mean, I said that?!

No...

Who loves sci-fi...

Here? You do, I saw.

And you, and you. Okay, you do?

Okay, yes! Oh, god...

Okay, next question, next question, next question...

When are you sh**ting the Clint Eastwood movie?

Hush your mouth! Hush it down! Hush it down!

I didn't even know that Clint Eastwood was making a western!

For the record, if it's a western. - You wouldn't shut up about it at the party!

You know!

Yeah!

I don't even know! I don't even know...

If you had to choose between the Clint Eastwood movie and the Spectrum movie...

Which would you choose? - Good question.

Why don't you move on from her? She's got lots of quest...

Some other...

Thank you for that.

I really want to be honest here, so I'm gonna be...

I'm gonna be honest with you, guys.

Spectrum!

Spectrum!

Spectrum!

Spectrum!

Okay, this is a little much, you're retarding me.

What?!

You're re... tard...

I mean...

Yeah, I mean, you're retarding...

Ya'll heard it, retarding. Me... I'm...

I'm the one who's Ret*rded.

My ego's Ret*rded.

Watch your mouth!

You're all Ret*rded.

You leave Miranda alone!

Wow. Okay, I'm not...

I'm not not leaving her alone, I'm just saying...

Look, to ret*rd...

The actual definition is "to limit".

Okay? To...

Mangle.

Not the second, not...

That's not it.

I give to charities. I give to... Just this morning I gave...

Something to help...

Spastic Seasonal...

Praclaning... (mumbles).

That's not a thing.

sh*t.

You're an assh*le, you better watch it, dude!

This son of a bitch, stole my lucky pen, and he refuses to give it back. You're a thief, Nerely. You're a thief.

You're an assh*le.

I didn't know I took your pen accidentally.

"Stole", that's a pretty harsh word. Right, guys?

Easy mistake.

Here. Take your pen.

Jerry and Boobie had sex?

Yes.

Isn't that disgusting? Thank god.

What's going on?

Poker til the sun came up. And then somehow it turned into a quinceanera.

I like your life so much better than mine.

Le debes mil dólares, Mr. Moore.

I let him win. When he bluffs, he touches his nose.

Listen, I need you to focus up for me, buddy.

Focus up!

Go with this.

Hello? Everybody, ladies and gentlemen, your favorite captain...

Mr. Jack...

Moore!

How you doing?

I see you!

Hey, Nerely!

Oh, no.

We got to talk to you!

Come on, we're going.

We are going. Bobbie, get my phone!

Get my phone!

You can run, but you can't hide!

Hey, I can walk.

What?

Yeah, my shoes just makes my feet look ick.

Bitch!

I am also angry at you!

Okay, okay. The green room is uh...

I don't know. I think we're lost.

- Hurry up or we're gonna lose him. - You actually can walk?

I'm handi-capable.

Come on!

Move it!

Hey, shove over, stick boy.

Hey, guys! He's over there!

Hey!

Hold my bag.

I've been practicing my impression of you.

I've got this.

Retarding! Retarding! I, uh...

I hate science fiction fans. I don't appreciate what I've got. Trophies and awards are the only sense of self worth that I have. I, uh...

I don't see what I have because my head is stuck so far up my own ass!

I have a drinking problem.

That's him!

What?

I love you.

How is that me?

Hey, man.

Off stage already, huh?

Sorry to hear about the Clint Eastwood movie, man.

Thank you.

Wait, sor... what? What?

What?

All the fans posted a video of you talking about it last night.

Apparently "Deadline" got Clint coming out of a restaurant...

Said you're a dickhead.

Hush it down!

A fan's love...

Love that retards, am I right?

Hey, Sean...

Do you like bourbon balls?

Yeah.

Yeah, right on.

Nerely, I will see you in hell.

Excuse me...

Are you Sean Astin, the actor?

Not at the moment.

I am such a huge fan.

That's sweet.

Thank you.