03x06 - A Puppet Walks Into a Bar

[bunniefuu]

Check out the new sweater my grandma gave me.

Here I thought your grandma loved you.

It's like the only thing you ask yourself when you pick out a shirt is, does it have a neck hole?

Babe, we should get going. The new Bond movie starts in 20 minutes. Ready?

Oh, one sec.

Ready!

Justin?

Hey, what the hell was all that?

Ummm, maybe it's sign language for "stop staring at me, dork!"

Hahaha. No, Danny.

Sign language for "stop staring at me dork," is like this...

And I know that because most of junior high was full of deaf kids.

Oh, incidentally this means "here's my lunch money, so could you stop b*ating me up, please."

Look, Mike signaled me because he wanted to tell me big news.

He's going to propose to Leslie.

Oh what?!

Joking...

Are you okay?

What?

Yeah, no, I'm cool. I'm dating Karli now, so I'm fine.

I'm just going to step outside for a minute for some fresh air.

No!

I love her so much. That's my Leslie!

Leslie!

So...

Leslie!

So why did Mike want us to know?

We're the most important people in Les' life.

So, he wants us to be involved in the proposal.

Awwww. Pass.

Danny, Mike is asking you to help with your sister's proposal.

Yeah, no. I definitely understand how words work.

Look, Leslie really doesn't like it when I get involved in her relationship, okay.

She's always hated... she's still pissed at me for ruining her senior prom. She dated the star quarterback, Joey Football. And uh... It's a weird name.

Anyway. The night before the prom, I bet Joey that he couldn't jump from our roof over to a branch hanging over near our garage door.

I mean, I won the bet.

Where's Joey Football now?

Oh, now? Ummm...

Well, he couldn't do his scholarship on account of the injury but uh, You know, he stayed in county.

He just kind of got a new job. Now we call him Joey Taco Bell.

Oh so, Danny doesn't think he's going to help with his sister's proposal huh?

Let's see if this changes your mind.

You see, on Mike and Leslie's first date, they thought they were going to a play.

Turns out it was a puppet show.

For the proposal, Mike had all these made for us. Boom!

These are so cool!

Aw, Puppet Candace, you guys!

Aw, Candace, you're so beautiful.

She's shy.

Hey, do you want to get high later?

We're going to be best friends!

You sure this one's mine? I'm not even sure he's gay.

Oh, yeah. I definitely would, too.

Is there... did you make a puppet for me?

Uh-uh! Ho ho ho! I don't know Danny...

Are you going to help with your sister's proposal?

Oh, awesome!

Oh man, he's so handsome too!

Yeah, hey it's like we're twins right?

Oh wait, come's off though. There we go!

Let's party dude!

Rock on!

Oh! Hold up, okay, guys?

All right. Danny and Leslie are on their way.

Mike! They're going to wait in my office, okay?

I can give you a signal. I can give you a lame bird call like "ca-caw!"

Or, we could razzle dazzle, I could sing nice beautiful note in your name... ♪ Mike ♪

Do the bird call.

Haha...!

Really making it hard to help you, Mike.

He's such a cutie.

I haven't seen him this excited since NBC said they were doing the live musical version of "The Wiz."

Did you guys hear they're still casting the cowardly lion?

Huh. All black cast, someone that needs live TV experience? I wonder who they could get.

Hello ***

Guys!

They're here! Let's go!

Hey Les, thanks for taking me to the natural history museum.

I hope that next time we have enough time to see the "Lord of the Rings" exhibit.

Danny, "Lord of the Rings" isn't actually real.

Okay, professor.

So does Mike ever let you drag him to the museum?

Yeah, Mike's great.

He's funny. He's kind.

He's crazy about me. I just wish I felt the same way about him.

I don't have that much experience with middle-aged women.

Is that something they say...

Must be something they say right before they tell you they want to spend the rest of their lives with them, huh?

What?

No, Danny, it's casual. I mean, I hardly ever bring him around here.

He doesn't take me out much with his friends I mean, I think we're on the same page.

Yeah, totally... or totally different pages on completely different books. You know what I mean?

I just know in my heart, you know, he's not the one.

Well, I'm starving.

You want to go get some pizza?

No!

Why are you guys hiding behind the bar?

We were naughty...playing spin the bottle. Whooo!

Ooh! Look, I got Shelley!

I did not expect tongue.

Wait a minute. Danny, you can't...

You can't leave yet. Remember the plumber is on his way with the ring for the toilet.

Yeah. Maybe the toilet doesn't need fixing.

Right. You sure about that?

You sure? Because I thought most toilets dreamed of being fixed one day.

The toilet told me.

The toilet spoke to you?

Well, actually, yeah. It did speak to me. It was one of those really fancy, cool, futuristic Japanese toilets. So...

Yeah, it straight up was like... <Japanese sounding gibberish>

"No marriage."

Wow, I did not see that coming.

Sounds like to me that that toilet just wants to get plunged by a bunch of different plumbers.

Hey man, hey man... you watch your mouth when you talk about my toilet that way!

Uh, okay. Candace, do you want to go do something?

Like what?

Literally anything else.

What about the movie... You wouldn't want to do that?

I'd do that!

Guys, guys? Has Leslie showed up yet? Do I have time to go to the bathroom?

Oh, gosh... man.

How do I put this? Uhhhh, Mike, the toilet's gone.

He was going to propose?

Yes, and as mastermind of said proposal, I wanted you to know it was romantic, it was sexy, and there were puppets.

There's nothing sexy about puppets.

That's actually not true because Shelly and his puppet had a threesome last night.

Yeah. Puppet Shelly wasn't the only one with a hand up his butt.

Look, Les, don't worry about it, okay?

Look, okay, I bit the b*llet. After you left, I told Mike he shouldn't bother proposing to you because you weren't going to say yes anyways. Best brother ever.

Arms up for a thank you hug!

Why would you do that? Oh!

Candace, you've got my back on this, right?

Yeah... yeah. I don't know what you're mad about It doesn't matter.

We talked about this. Girls got to stick together.

Yes. Sisters before misters.

Danny, don't be a bitch.

I should have been the one to talk to Mike, not you.

There are huge moments in everyone's life that we all have to go through.

Whether it's breaking someone's heart or getting your own heart broken, these are the moments that define you as a person!

Oh, okay, now I get it.

You go girl!

You want to know what I think? I think Danny...

Whoa, whoa, no, no, no. See you asked "do you want to know what I think", and nobody said yes. So...

Why ask, you know?

Anyway... boy. I'm sorry, Leslie, continue, you were saying something completely insane.

Insane? You took away a proposal.

What if I took away one of your big moments?

You know, what if I took your first kiss?

You know what? It's funny you say that. because I would actually love it. Alright? When that happened, I was a little bit drunk. She actually had a little bit of a mustache.

Whatever.

Not a huge deal, okay?

Was it a man?

No, it wasn't a man. It was a girl. She had a mustache, a little bit of a mustache.

Is everything a joke to you?

What's the big deal? I took a moment from you.

Life's full of moments, all right?

That's a moment. That's a moment.

That's a moment. There's another moment.

There's another moment. There's another moment.

There's another slightly longer moment.

So it's like... what is your point?

I have told you a thousand times to stay out of my relationships.

Why would you get involved now?!

Ow!

God, why would I get involved now?

Man, if I could only remember...

The person who told me to get involved... I can't remember the name.

But it's right on the tip of my tongue.

Ha! You want to have a tongue fight?!

Let's go, Danny!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, enough! Enough!

I'm not going to watch two young grown men lick each other in fight.

Not again!

You know, he's right.

The time for this stuff...***

We don't have time for this alright? We need to fix this thing with Leslie Together as a team.

No, you know what?

I don't want to be your teammate.

Ha! I don't believe that for a second, I trust you, Danny.

I know that you trust me. In fact, I'm going do a trust fall. just to prove it.

Oh, I'm going to get my camera out for this.

I want you to 100% know that I am not going to catch you.

I know you better than you think, Danny.

Can't wait to be in your arms.

Ah, you're not going to be in my arms.

This is really dumb. This is going to hurt more than when your Netflix special comes out and nobody watches it.

Well, I highly doubt that....

Let's see.

No. My heart tells me you're going to catch me.

Your heart's dumb.

My heart is not dumb. It's never wrong.

Yippee, first time it's gonna be wrong. Go ahead.

For friendship!

Oh, God!

Haha! For Instagram!

So if Mike made puppets for everyone, where is the Leslie puppet?

Unfortunately, she's with puppet Burski.

I hope puppet Burski uses puppet protection.

Hey, guys. We're having a lot of laughs out there, but please remember, puppet pregnancy isn't a joke.

Look after each other.

Come on, give me that!

Hey, we've got to talk to you.

What do you want?

Look, I feel bad about what happened.

So I teamed up with Justin and we fixed things. Okay?

I totally get it, I shouldn't have taken youir moment, okay?

So, we talked to Mike.

Oh my God! Tell me this isn't happening!

Pinch yourself, it totally is.

Look, all I did was, I told Mike the truth.

I said look, it wasn't my place to get involved with whether or not he should propose.

Oooh, oh, tell her the next part.

It gave me chills.

I looked at him like, man...

Real natural, right? Standing right there.

Just like... I was like this, hey, Mike, okay?

And I go like this... "follow your heart"

I need a sweater.

I got you. I got you.

Warm him up. Whoo, pow!

So, wait. So first you told Mike not to propose.

And it totally k*lled him.

Yep.

That's what he did.

And then you convinced him to come back and propose again?

That's right.

You know it, girlfriend.

Because he thinks I might say yes?

Bingo!

Even though you both know I'm going to say no.

Mission accomplished!

This is a guy we all like, and you both set him up to come in here and get hurt in front of everybody.

Well... when you put it like that, it kind of sounds like a horrible thing.

You said you were the one that wanted to be there when he proposed.

Yeah! The first time around!

I didn't say trick him to come back so I could do it again!

Well Les, you got to be clear.

Mike, I wish I could say yes.

I really do. You're such an amazing man but...

It just wouldn't be fair.

I mean, you deserve someone who's all in. We both do.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, guys? This is uncomfortable. Is it over yet?

Not yet, sweetie.

Okay. Right.

Mike looks really sad!

I am sad.

Goodbye, Les.

Hey, Les. I'm sorry you and Mike didn't work out I thought you would be happy that we broke up.

That's not what this is about right now. I understand.

I'm just going to step outside real quick and get some fresh air.

Whoooo! Leslie's mine! Leslie!

Uh, Leslie, that was hard to watch.

I feel really bad that I did this to you.

What we did to her.

Well, your part in this is definitely finished. So definitely shut up.

Look, I got to you ask... why would you want moments like that in your life?

Yeah. It sucked. But you know what I was thinking?

I'm finally at a place in my life where when a great guy proposes to me, I don't feel like I have to say yes because I'm scared that Mr. Right is never going come along.

That's pretty great, right?

Yeah.

You know what my favorite part was though?

Mine was when Justin fell.

Mine was about you.

Even though you did the wrong thing at every turn, I know you were just trying to protect me and make me happy. You're a good brother.

Wow. You know, if I had an amazing moment with my sister like that, I'd probably thank the person who got me involved in the first place.

But who. Could. That. Be?

You know what? I actually was going thank you. Now I'm not.

You ruined it. I can't. Sorry.

I know somebody who can.

Wow, he is so cool, man.

Thanks, Justin.

Please don't cry.

I won't.

But puppet Justin might.

It's okay, babe.

We're here for you.

Yeah.

You can let it all out.

Heh Heh You. Are. My. Best. Friend.

I know what we need here...

Puppet group hug!

Yay!