01x06 - Let's Get Schvitzical

[bunniefuu]

So, I'm on the Internets now?

Yep.

So, this is your Internet browser.

What?

It's called googling.

Googles?

Google.

How about this?

How about I look up "Paul... Anka?"

My favorite, Paul Anka.

See, there ya go.

Yeah, there it is.

(Chuckles) Yeah.

Oh, he's Canadian, like you.

Yep. Yeah.

Oh, I love him, Paul Anka. How do you like that?

See, I'm learning new things.

How about "Jimmy Carter sunbathing?"

Oh, yeah, there he is.

Oh, you know what I'd like to look up?

"Russian street party."

Women get naked.

The men bash them over the head and carry them back to the Russian caves.

(Belches) No, nothing came up.

All right, what's this now?

Ricky: Oh, that's a pop up ad.

You actually-- you don't wanna click that.

(Woman moaning) Oh, God.

Uh, see?

What's going on here?

Yeah, see?

Uh, it-it-it's just like a--

Oh, another one.

Yeah, it's actually-- it's p*rn.

You don't wanna--

What is that man doing?

He's mooshing his-- Oh, no, no, what is this?

When you click it, more-more pages open.

(Gasps)

Oh, oh, God.

Oh!

That one is--

What is that? - I didn't know things could stretch in that way.

My uncle Morty had one of these.

Yeah, see, you actually wanna click X on that.

Piss drinking.

Uh...

A lotta piss stuff. A lotta stuff with piss.

And something like that, that's called pony play.

(Woman moaning)

What kinda thing is this?

How do we get back to Paul Anka?

Um, um, this is a--

I just wanna see Paul Anka.

Okay.

No, no, no, no.

So, you never wanna--

No, no, no, no, no. Listen.

You know, Harold and I, we never did anything like that.

Is that what men expect nowadays?

I don't know if it's what they expect, but, I mean, it's-it's-- that's one representation of what people are doing out there.

Well, I'll tell you what...

(Chuckles) I'm ready to learn.

♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪

♪

♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la ♪
♪ la la ♪

Gigi: The worldwide web.

It's like one giant public pool of p*rn.

It has everything you've ever dreamed of just right at the click of a button.

You interested in, uh, midget moose riding?

Oh, sure.

You wanna watch fat people sitting in wet cement?

You bet.

Well, if I plan on getting back into the dating scene, I have to brush up on the world of modern sex.

I goggled and found the name of a reputable sex therapist to help me on my quest of sexually satisfying large clusters of men in the Boca Raton area.

I would very much like them to run a train on me.

And maybe afterwards, we can go out for some bukaki.

Well, here we are.

(Whispering) There is a sexual energy in here.

There's an energy, right?

Yeah.

It's not just me.

No, it's very palpable. There's an energy. I feel it.

Oh!

I'm never gonna get up from this couch.

I've never been rammed.

I would like to try getting rammed.

Harold was very slow, and I would say to him, "Don't stir my coffee. Whip my butter. Whip my butter. I'd rather have my butter whipped than my coffee stirred."

I did everything I could, and he would rather talk about what's happening in the Middle East.

He was so concerned with Israel.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to-to f*ck him.

So sorry to keep you waiting.

Gigi: Oh, hello, hello.

Hi... Ricky.

Hi.

Ava Cadell, your sex therapist.

Yeah, not mine. Uh, her-her-- um, yeah.

Hello.

Let's get you up.

Ava: A-are you okay?

Yeah, I'm havin' a little trouble.

Very deep couch and very low.

A lot of older men are only interested in sex, and I wanna be able to provide them with what they want.

But if-if they want some kind of situation where, you know, they pull their foreskin over my head or something crazy like that, I'm not used to that.

You know, I'm not wild.

I'm very conservative in bed.

My husband, he never let me come to an orgasm.

Well, first of all, you have to take responsibility for your own orgasm.

You can't blame your husband for any of that.

Well, excuse me, but I-I've tried.

He was so soft in bed and so quick.

Well, let's get you on the journey to great sex.

Okay, I'm ready to go on that train.

All right.

S-so, most men, no matter what age they are, they do like a woman who can talk erotically, and who enjoys oral delights, and, uh--

I love oral delight.

Do you really? Good, good.

I love ice cream.

And I love a lozenge.

A BLT.

Oh, a BLT for me. A nice, juicy, fresh BLT.

Ava: No, no, no, no.

What-what about, uh, deep-throating and tea bagging?

(Whispering) What is tea bagging?

What is tea bagging?

Let me show you.

Oh!

This is Richard.

There it is.

So, let me show you tea bagging.

A penis.

It's when you suck on the testes.

Testes?

When the man is straddling your face.

Straddling my face?

Yes, yes.

And a lot of men say that this part gets neglected.

I've never sucked a ball.

There you go.

And if you can suck two, even more impressive.

But I wanna share with you the ultimate erotic oral delight.

It's called "The Four S's."

Can you guess what the first 'S' stands for?

So, how's it going?

I would make conversation.

Conversation is good. Erotic conversation is good.

The first one is actually "Slap."

You would use it to slap your face.

I'm sorry?

You would say, "I want to feel it on my face, or my breasts."

Here, try it.

So, I use it to slap his face?

No, slap your face. Gigi, no, no, no.

Oh, oh, oh.

You use his penis to slap your face.

To slap my face?

Yes, it's a-it's a It's a--

Ooh, it's heavy.

Men are very visual.

Okay.

Yes, well, you can slap me.

Okay.

Go ahead. Keep slappin'.

When-- tell me when you're done.

Okay. Number two.

What do you think the second 'S' is?

Ricky: "Stop."

No. "Spit."

You use it as a lubricant.

You don't have-- you don't have to do it now.

But, so, you've slapped. You've spat.

What do you think is the next 'S'?

Suppository.

Ricky: Suck.

Suck.

Ricky: Suck.

He knows. He's a man.

Oh, suck, yeah.

He knows what he wants.

You suck. Just don't use your teeth.

Oh, but Harold would ask me to use, uh, my teeth.

Okay, if the man wants teeth, then-then do it.

But most men don't want teeth.

And then, what do you think the fourth 'S' is?

See ya later.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

No, come on.

It's something really exciting.

Steven Seagal.

Strangle me.

Strangle?

Swallow.

You got it.

Swallow.

Swallow, yeah.

It tastes like scallions.

Ava: Well, it shouldn't.

But you can pretend to swallow.

And then, let him know to tap you on the shoulder before he climaxes.

Come on, climax.

Give me a tap.

And then just let it drip into your hand.

He'll never know the difference.

Okay, or maybe sh**t it over my shoulder.

See how much power you have over his sexuality?

You're holding his pride and joy in your mouth.

Yeah, sure am.

Gigi: You mustn't fear your own body.

You must explore it, like the great James Cameron explores the cavernous oceans.

All right, just-just look at it and see what you got down there.

(Indistinct)

(Exhales) Okay, there you are.

The damn thing looks like the Eye of Mordor.

Looks like a blooming onion from Outback Steakhouse.

Let me see what you look like magnified.

Yow!

That was a bad idea.

What is that? There's some kinda fuzz.

Hmm?

You miss Harold? I miss Harold, too.

How he loved you. Mm-hmm.

He would talk about you a lot, often.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you look happy.

I'll catch up with you in another 25 years.

Bye-bye.

So, Gigi, let me ask you.

What part of your body do you think is the sexiest?

Oh, without a doubt, it's my vag*na.

Excellent. So, you--

There's never any doubt about that.

I love that.

Okay, Gigi, put your head here, and then lie down into missionary.

Oh, okay, here I come. - Yes, this is gonna be an advanced missionary so that we can reach your G-spot.

Come and help, Ricky.

Okay, so, now when you're making love to each other...

We don't have to touch.

Well, it's nice to touch each other.

Gigi: Yeah, let me touch you.

I don't-- I'm not comfortable with that.

Okay, so, the benefits of this is G-spot orgasm, clitoral orgasm.

How would you do that?

Uh, well, I-I would thrust.

Gigi: I just want one clitoral orgasm.

Gigi, take responsibility for your orgasm and touch your own clitoris while he's thrusting.

Yeah, I'm touching my clitoris.

There you go.

Excellent.

Yeeeaaah, baby!

Ava: This is a great position for people who have slight weight issues.

Pick up the rhythm.

The faster you go, the faster the breath flows.

And this is also conducive for a**l penetration as well.

Gigi, this is the female empowerment position.

You are in control of the angle, the depth, the motion.

Grind your pelvis into him.

I don't like this.

Ava: Excellent. Excellent.

So, Ricky, this is rear entry position.

It's man's favorite position because it's so animalistic.

Hold on to her buttocks and start slowly penetrating.

Very good. Very good.

Ooh, ahh.

Ooh, wait a second. You hit my cervix.

I-- or somethin'. I have a cramp.

Well, it's your knee.

I have a bad cramp here.

I think maybe if you're gonna get into some of these more athletic positions, you need to go to a gym, or a yoga class, or strengthen your body.

(Panting)

Well, that woman sure opened my eyes to the filthy world of adult sex.

I mean, I couldn't-- I couldn't believe this woman.

She-- you know, she used the word "vag*na" like it was a common greeting.

I mean, can you imagine her at a dinner party?

Uh-uh, "It's vag*na to meet you. Could ya penis me the salt?"

(Laughs)

Well, as it turns out, I'm not just out of touch with the world of sex.

I am severely out of shape.

I couldn't bend for sh*t.

I need to be like one of those Cirque Du Soleil women who can bend enough to smell their lower backs.

So, I'm going to a gymnastics facility to help me learn how to make my body bend every which way from Tuesday.

I'm preparing to have sexual relations.

Oh, okay.

It's a-it's a-it's a big thing for me because I'm dry as a bone down there.

Oh!

Yeah.

I haven't had sex, I mean normal sex, in I don't know how long.

And I'm looking to have new relations with some younger men.

You know what I mean?

Not me.

Yeah, no, not him.

I don't want nothin' to do with him.

He's too white.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't like white like that.

Oh, okay.

I like a darker white.

Here's the problem.

There's all kinds of positions, all kinds of--

But this one's pulling the hair.

The other one's got me by the ear.

He's got a fist right up me.

And I-I don't know how to do any of that stuff.

I'm not familiar, and I'm not flexible.

The other day, we went to a sex therapist.

I pulled a muscle.

It was near to my vag*na, but not quite in the vag*na.

You understand?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I suppose.

And it hurt terrible.

Do you guys wanna try some stretches here?

Yes, that's what we're here for.

Okay, great, great.

Yeah, I think that'd be--

Limber her up before we do anything else.

Let's start.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, limber, limber.

Put your bottom on the-the green.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, all right.

So, I have to turn somehow?

You're gonna sit down, yeah.

Yeah, turn-turn this way.

All right, this is not easy for me.

Just put your--

Okay, I'm just gonna go dead legged.

Dead legged on three.

Are you sure that's safe?

One-- Uh-huh.

Two, and--

Okay.

Wait. Oh, my-oh, my gosh!

I'm okay.

Oh, my gosh.

Are you okay? Are you all right?

I'm all right.

Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah, no. Yeah, no.

Don't worry. No, yeah.

Are you sure?

No, yeah.

Okay, okay.

I'll be fine. Don't worry.

Okay.

No, no, yeah.

You're not okay, or you are okay?

No, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no.

Why don't we start with stretching this leg?

We're gonna lift it straight up.

That's my good leg.

Okay-okay, are you ready?

Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna-I'm gonna--

That's it.

It doesn't go farther than that.

If you move me one centimeter, I'm gonna be in a lot of pain.

That I can promise you.

Uh, what-what if I do it very slowly?

Like a little like--

You-- Ahh!

Okay.

See?

Um, oh, okay.

What did I tell you?

Maybe we'll-we'll come back to that.

Let me-let me just get Ricky goin' here.

Ricky, oh, great.

Yeah, this is great.

Oh, very flexible.

Ricky: I had to go to my sister's lamaze classes.

This is what it felt like. Like I can feel myself dilate.

(Inhales, exhales)

That's ten millimeters.

Good, okay.

Yeah.

Great, all right.

Now, let's have you, um--

Gigi: Try another leg, why don't you?

Okay, let's just see this one.

This one we're just gonna try.

I'll do it very softly, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, this is a dead leg.

Um--

(Chuckles)

I'm not flexible enough.

You wanna try and get-get some movement goin'?

Yeah, let me-let me learn how to bounce. - Okay.

All right, let's get you up there.

All right, let's get you up.

Gigi: Let's do that.

Ready?

Ready?

Yes.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

(Grunting)

I need a little chalk to put under my boobs because I'm-- I think I'm chafing.

Do they make chalk specifically for under the boob?

Coach: They don't.

Ooh, yeah. See?

I haven't had this much motion in a while.

I feel powerful.

Whee! Ha-ha!

Ho-ho!

Ooh!

Oh-oh!

(Grunts)

Come up and see me sometime.

Ricky: Are you gonna actually hang, or are you gonna--

I am hanging.

Ricky: Yeah, but without the block under you?

I just don't know what the point really is, if you do-- of swinging back and forth.

Well, it's helping me get a fart out.

♪

(Laughing)

Not too fast.

Whee!

Well, that went better than I thought.

That was great.

Gigi, you okay?

Gigi?

Gi-Gigi?

Gigi!

Gigi?

Gigi?

Hold my socks.

Gigi!

Gigi?

Gigi!

(Grunts)

Gigi!

Gigi?

(Gasping)

(Sighs)

Gigi: Oh, my God!

I'm all right. I'm all right.

You're, um--

Yeah?

Ricky: Your-your hair.

Yeah, my hair is-- Where's my wig?

Yeah, I'll, uh, I'll find it.

Where's my wig?

It fell off.

What do you mean, it fell off?

No, no, no.

Don't-don't look at me, sweetheart.

Don't look at me, okay?

Ricky: Let me find it.

Yeah, find it quickly.

Gigi: Oy... oy.

You okay?

I just need a quick break, because it's a lot for me.

We don't have to--

Yeah, we don't have to rush anything.

Yeah, okay.

Take your time.

I've always envisioned myself running, running, running, and jumping onto a bed, flippin' over and sayin', "Come get me, tiger Come get mama."

So, apparently, I don't bend.

I break.

All this physical exercise has made me realize that the key to my sexual renaissance lies not in my flexibility, but rather in my sheer brute power.

I think I might be what my hairdresser, Emilio, calls a power top.

Or, is it a power bottom?

It's whatever takes it in the ass.

Well, I guess it could work both ways.

Wow, that's an interesting visual.

Okay, so, let's, uh, let's get you another apparatus over here.

All right, sounds good.

What's this?

Coach: This is the pommel horse. This is a man event.

It's a man event?

Yeah, normally, this is what the men--

Well, I'm lookin' to have a man event.

You know what I mean?

Hee-hee-hee-yo!

You're gonna need a lotta strength for this one, for, like, upper body.

This is more, like, biceps, pecs.

Well, my legs are worth nothing.

Let's face it.

But, my arms... I could use a workout for my arms because I need to be able to--

What's that?

Nonstop, nonstop.

Um...

Ricky: All right, well, let's get-get her on it.

Okay, how do I get on this thing?

Okay.

You can-you can--

Ready?

Yeah, nice and easy.

(Grunting) Ow!

Ooh!

Okay, you okay?

I'm wide open.

Ricky: Yeah.

Coach: Okay.

Yeah, no, this is good.

This is comfortable for me.

I've seen the men do this in the Olympics.

Coach: Yeah.

Oh.

Mmm.

This is a special little thing I'm on.

Mmm.

Mmm.

That's it. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I am so sorry for this.

I think it's better to just let her--

I don't wanna say "finish," but it's-it's best if we let her finish.

(Whimpering)

(Screeching)

I never wanted to see this.

Yeah.

(Whimpering)

I just wanna feel you.

(Whimpering)

(Screams)

I just made a come.

Is this available for purchase?

I don't believe it's for sale. - I'm ready to take this home with me, darling.

This is my favorite of the apparati.

Ricky: I think this horse has been pommeled enough.

All right, take me off.

Oh, okay.

Let's dismount you.

I'm gonna fly off of this thing.

Oh, God.

Ready?

Yeah, ooh, I slip-slide right off.

Just slide right off.

Care-careful-careful.

I slide right off.

I love this thing. Let me give it a kiss.

Okay.

Wow!

Hello, my name is Gertrude Gettlestein Rotblum, and I am a sex addict.

Here, have a smoke. I don't smoke.

No, no, no. You'll smoke now.

No, this'll k*ll me.

We had a close, intimate moment.

Come on.

(Sighs)

Feels good to finally say that out loud.

After my time on the pommel horse, I've had an insatiable appetite for getting myself off.

In just the past week, I've had orgasms on the back of this couch, the side of my bathtub, and on Ricky's limp, sleeping body.

Mm-hmm.

I just don't know how to stop.

And, more importantly, I don't want to stop.

It's been 40 years since I had an orgasm.

You better believe I'm gonna make up for it.

The sex coach suggested that I write a posthumous letter to Harold, letting him know of all the sexual feelings that I had during our marriage.

She said it would liberate me, so here it goes.

"Dear Harold, or to whom it may concern, you did a number on me. Your overbearing control in the bedroom stifled my sexual creativity. I wish you had been receptive to my fantasies. I yearned to role-play. You would've been a poorly trained dalmatian, and I an unguarded fire hydrant. I always dreamed of making a private p*rn version of the movie 'Nell'. I would like to have been on the receiving end of a Portuguese breakfast. I always wanted to fulfill my destiny as a human pin cushion. But instead of pins, penises. I also want you to know that I do miss you, and your sinewy body sleeping next to me. Love always, your little sack of skin, Gigi."