01x03 - Make Someone Happy

[bunniefuu]

Didi: Good morning, Mrs. Martin.

How am I doing today?

Good morning, Susan.

Oatmeal.

What can I do for you today?

Mrs. Brookins, your banana and your yogurt.

What can I do for you lately?

Did I tell you I had a date last night?

Not yet.

I think I have a new boyfriend.

I think this one's really serious.

That's what I think.

That's why you're smiling?

Maybe.

How can I make you happy?

(Cellphone vibrates)

Dawn, I need to take this.

No, Didi, you can't.

Social Services. Please?

Social Services?

Okay, Mrs. Mantilla, now I'm gonna read you a few statements and I want you to answer on a scale of one to 10.

One being "strongly disagree,"

10 being "strongly agree."

Okay? "Medical staff recognizes, respects and supports patient rights and maintains confidentiality."

No.

So that's basically a two.

Mr. Butler, good morning.

How can we help you today?

How you doing, Lydia?

Good, thanks.

I brought Daddy by to visit with Birdy.

He wants to give her a valentine.

So we filled up an old box with Milk Duds, didn't we, Daddy? She likes to suck on them.

Dawn: Didi, can you bring Mr. Butler back to visit with Birdy, please?

Leonard is Birdy's gentleman friend from her old assisted-living facility.

Visits are every week rain or shine.

I'll pick him up in a few hours.

Thank you.

Hey, darling.

Antoine: Hey, Didi, I have an interdepartmental letter for you.

Birdy: Oh, Daddy, where you been?

You miss me?

Like crazy.

What's this? Am I being promoted to head nurse?

(Chuckles)

Or better yet, head of the medical center.

Definitely. Let's you and me run this place.

Show them how it's really done.

Thanks.

All right. I'll see you later.

Leonard: It's your favorite.

"Nurse Ortley, I'm writing to inform you that a complaint has been made against you which, should the allegation be proven correct, would put you in violation of Mount Palms Hospital's equal opportunities code of conduct.

The victim has alleged you stated in clear audible tones and in... in a h*m* manner that "You didn't do so badly for a big, fat fairy."

(sighs)

Well... (clears throat) you've done the right thing coming to see your union rep, and I'll do all I possibly can for you in this matter. You just need to tell me everything.

In my defense, this patient was crazy as hell.

Crazy as hell.

Uh-huh.

She was really abusive. She made threats.

She called me an ugly old d*ke.

I'm sorry to hear that.

She, um, screamed at him...

Nurse De La Serda, calling him a big fat fairy, then cracked him over the nose.

And then I said "I thought you did okay for a fat fairy,"

'cause I was just trying to lighten things up.

Uh-huh.

You know, I'm saying something funny.

It's nice to make people laugh.

But next time tell a knock-knock joke or something, okay?

It's not easy growing up gay.

And that's all I'm gonna say.

(Stammers) I'm not... look... okay.

I was... I was just making a joke.

That's it.

And when you put it in this PC context, you're making it sound bad when it really wasn't.

This... is very serious.

Your job is at risk.

So I think a meeting with you and Nurse De La Serda is advised where you can just make a formal apology to him for any hurt you may have caused.

You okay with that?

All right. Fine.

Okay.

I'll do it. Fine.

Knock knock.

Really?

I am happy to report that there is now one free bed in the Ventilator Suite.

The morbidity rate associated with vent units is so bleak that it is a good day indeed when we can wean a patient.

What is that?

Mmm.

Wheatgrass, garlic, and paprika.

Mm. I'm on a really strict new diet.

No no, you don't need to diet.

You just need to lose a few pounds.

And so what are these?

Oh, that's part of the new "Make Someone Happy" Campaign.

It's the top-down rethink on how we do things.

Mm-hmm. Yes. I've seen the new wall propaganda.

Well, the idea is to focus more on our patients and hospitality, like at Disneyland and on cruise ships.

That's ridiculous. But I'm not prejudging.

I'm open-minded. You know me.

Okay, we're gonna start with Mrs. Susan Dayward this morning, if that's all right with you.

Lead on. Lead on.

What have we done for you lately?

Jenna: So Mrs. Dayward is here for post-surgery rehab from a routine knee replacement.

That's right. Mrs. Dayward's got a marathon to run in a couple months.

Do you really?

If I can.

Oh, wonderful.

I'm a runner too, so that's wonderful.

Excellent. Yes yes. Gentlemen?

The last of a dying breed, the trim senior.

Most of our seniors are quite fat.

We have an epidemic of obesity among our elderly.

So early, late middle-aged woman with clearly strong ideas about the quality of life she wants to maintain has surgery rather than wait for full-fledged osteoarthritis to set in.

Which hopefully we can stave off for a couple more good years.

So what might we be on the lookout for?

Lois?

I'm not Lois.

Oh no? Oh. What's your name?

My name's Kitty.

Oh, I... what happened to Lois?

We don't know a Lois. Sorry.

I can't let you have solids yet.

But we'll let you chew and suck on these if you promise to spit them out.

Hey, where's Birdy?

I put her in the lounge.

And where... where's Mr. Butler?

I put him in the lounge too.

Oh God, no.

What? The A.C. was off in her room...

No no no no no.

... and they just seemed like they would be more comfortable in there.

What... excuse me.

Didi, they're having sex.

Ooh. Oh.

She's going down on him.

Didi: Wow. (moans)

Didi: Birdy is going to town.

Don't just stand there. Would you please get over there and stop them?

Wait, me?

Yes.

If she sees them, she'll have a fit.

Okay, but I think you should do it because you know all about it.

I don't...

Just a second. Just get over there and shake them or shove her or something.

I just think... I think you should be the one...

She saw me. I can't. You go.

Didi: Birdy? Miss Birdy?

No no no no no. I need you to sit up now.

(moans)

Leonard: Butt out.

Didi: Sit up. Knock it off.

I'm Leonard Butler.

Yeah, I know who you are and I need you to straighten up too.

Pull his shirt down.

There you go.

What?

Didi, pull his shirt down over his erection.

Who wants to buy a raffle ticket?

The raffle for my husband's cause.

Richard's wing of the museum is sponsoring a village in Sri Lanka.

No thanks. I never win anything.

What is it for?

Bridges and schools.

The devastation after the tsunami.

What about you? We have to care.

Huh?

Um, I don't know. How much is it?

A line of six is $50.

Didi: I don't know. Two, I guess.

Two, great. That's $100.

Oh, no no no. I meant two tickets.

Oh well... well, two... no, two's like 20.

Right. Well, what do I win?

Well, grand prize is a deluxe weekend getaway to Pechanga Indian Resort and Casino.

Didi: Let me just get one.

All right.

(Mouths)

All right. I'll take six.

Six? Really, six?

Oh, fantastic.

Jenna: Hey, big spender. All right.

$300.

Okay.

50 a line, six lines.

It's just I, um... can I bring it... the money to you on Monday?

Why, you can't pay now?

I didn't bring a checkbook with me today and I don't... I don't have cash, so...

Can you pay half?

Oh.

Can you... can you lend her money?

Me? No.

Yeah.

I don't know, Dawn. It just... it feels like you're asking for layaway.

I'll bring it on Monday, I swear.

All right. Just make sure it's on Monday.

Okay, good luck.

I don't need this today.

I don't need this.

It seems like somebody might want to bring me up to date on the policies and procedures on sex around here. I might just need to know that.

Dawn: Yeah, clearly. Okay.

We need to be respectful on our patients' sexual bill of rights.

Okay? Now we're all still just kind of winding along and figuring out exactly what that means, but it is case by case.

So, what... ?

Is that clear, okay?

Not really.

Could you please just get her back to her room.

Thank you very much. You think you could do that, for crying out loud?

Nurse De La Serda, hello. Fine, thank you.

Dr. James, I understand you had great success with one of our customers in the Ventilator Suite today.

Customers?

Oh! Patients.

Yes. I don't know that I like to think of my patients as customers.

Of course.

Yet we are finding that our patients' hospital experience is greatly enhanced when we treat them as customers.

Anyway, I saw on your iCal that you won't be with us on the 11th and 12th.

No no no. I'm slipping my shackles.

I'm attending the American Gerontology Conference in Cleveland.

It's just that the "Make Someone Happy" kickoff orientation falls on those dates.

There's a billion up for grabs.

One billion low-hanging fruit all juicy and ripe for the picking.

Wonderful. Well, thank you for the edifying information.

You'll have to pick your fruit without me.

Administration has brought in a team of consultants.

Their travel's alre...

So special "Make Someone Happy" consultants?

(Chuckles)

Yes, Dr. Lee Glissock is a "Make Someone Happy" consultant.

Well, I'll be presenting my research paper on geriatric stool and I can't change the dates of the conference.

I'm on a panel with Dr.

Rogers from the Mayo clinic, and Dr. Hector Rabinowitz of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine.

So I wish you would have run the dates past me first.

How? I mean, you're my Director of Medicine, I can rarely find you if you go working on your research. It's so frustrating.

I do know administration expects everyone to attend.

Bitch.

Paul: It's impossible. All right, I've told everybody on my staff about that.

So technically...

Paul.

Jenna?

You heard about the conflict, right?

With Cleveland?

Hey. Who is that?

It's Marguerite Macaw, student nurse.

She's helping Patsy collect information based on the Royal American Cruise Line's philosophy of customer satisfaction first.

Hi, Marguerite.

Hi. Uh, it's just Margaret.

The U is silent and then the I-T-E is just a schwa.

A schwa.

No no, Paul, I am going.

I am adamant that you allow me to go.

I really am.

Jenna, you don't need my permission.

It's just that it's Lee Glissock.

Yes, I'm fully aware of Lee Glis...

Forgive me. I'm... have a lunch date and I just need to reconfirm my reservation.

Because you know that Cleveland was in the works way before this Disney business, and I need to know if there's a problem with the committee, I have you to defend me.

Jenna, you don't need me to defend you.

We're all able to make adult decisions and entitled to have them respected, okay?

Yes, but if I need somebody to defend me?

Ah.

Hi.

Um, Jenna, this is Christine.

She's our new GI hire.

Jenna works over in rehab.

Well, Geriatric Care.

Dr. Jenna James.

Hi.

Um, so am I early? Should I...

No no no no. You are absolutely perfect.

So are you going to lunch?

We should all do lunch.

Go together. Coffee?

Yeah, absolutely.

Great.

Mm-hmm. Some other time.

Um...

Jenna, thanks for coming to see me.

Yeah yeah yeah.

Okay.

Dawn: Hi.

Hey. Come in.

I was just gonna run across the street to get some lunch.

Do you want to come?

No. No thanks, actually. I'm vegan.

No no, me too.

I mean, today. I just...

I started this diet.

Um, so thank you for putting me in the cab last night.

It's... it's all right.

So did you have a good time?

I... yeah. I mean...

(stammers) I think maybe I'd be a little more comfortable if we just...

Mm. Okay.

Can I see your forms?

It's still a bit sparse like we talked about, but, um, let's talk about your performance.

Okay.

So we're starting to get preliminary data from the patient surveys. Nothing final.

Not even comprehensive really, but preliminary little needles that point us in certain directions.

Okay.

Okay.

So in many ways, you're a manager too.

And you have to give feedback to nurses who work beneath you.

And sometimes we have to give feedback in the form of a... sh*t sandwich with two slices of bread to mask the essential flavor of what we have to say.

But, Dawn, in your case, I'm struggling to find your bread.

I'm sorry?

I just... so far you're not showing up very well.

You're poor-slash-inappropriate in 11 out of 14 categories.

Well, what did I do good in?

"Utilizes computers correctly, identifies self as registered nurse," and you get high marks for evaluating diversity in patients and their families.

Well, that's a start.

I mean, that's a little bread.

Maybe like for an open-faced sh*t sandwich.

Oh God, am I gonna get fired?

No. We are going to work on this together.

Okay?

Now what you are is what you have been.

Mm-hmm.

And you will be is what you do right now.

Okay.

There we go.

There we go, dear.

Jenna: Mrs. Sullivan, welcome.

We're glad to have you here with us.

We want to make things very comfortable.

That's a very pretty yellow nightgown that you have on.

I think that you're in a little bit of pain?

So we want to help you with that.

And I'm sorry. I know that it's darn hard, but we... we just... we want to make things easier.

Birdy: Oh, Daddy. Ooh.

Daddy.

Oh!

(Couple moans)

I can't find it!

Jenna: Oh.

Where is her assessment form?

For what?

Suitability and capacity to engage in sexual activity, of course.

You know, I asked Didi twice to put them in the room.

And I assumed she would close the curtain.

Well, I am not...

I'm not a fluffer. It's not a fluffer.

What is it?

All right. It's irrelevant either way.

They can't just wander around having sex wherever they want with whoever they want.

Have either one of you read the literature on geriatric consent?

Um, yes.

So you read my paper?

Yes.

Nijmegen.

Yes. That one.

The... (mumbles)

Near Maastricht in the Netherlands?

My Nijmegen paper. Yes?

Read it again and explain it to Dolores here, 'cause it looks like she could stand to bone up as well.

I'm Denise... Didi.

Well, clearly most of these women are incapable of expressed consent, probably even implied consent, which then raises the issue of coercion.

Well, it seemed to me like they both enjoyed it.

Okay, but that's off point, you see?

The central point is: how do we know that they even know what they're doing?

What about him in the... that?

He doesn't look like he has all his marbles.

Disease? He could be a carrier.

His daughter drops him off on Thursdays.

Okay. All right. Stop.

It's so simple.

Sexual behavior is a biologic urge.

And so with dementia we have the loosening of the libido and arousal, and then we have the impairment of judgment.

And you see, this is the potential for the frenzy of fornication.

So we have to use our judgment on their behalf.

Oh, shut the f*ck up.

Jenna: I don't want sex on the ward of any kind until Interdisciplinary Care Plan Teams composed of legal, mental health, uh... probably an internist have assessed everyone's fitness to engage in sexual activity.

Am I understood?

Yes, ma'am.

Yes.

Observer from HR and we can get this... oh, and there she is.

Sorry I'm late.

Hello hello.

I'd like to kick this off by saying thank you all for participating in this Conflict Resolution Strategy Meeting.

Nurse Forchette, please note everyone in attendance.

I'm feeling very positive that we can demonstrate that Nurse Ortley did not intend any abuse whatsoever.

Isn't that right, Didi?

Yep.

Uh, Nurse De La Serda, can I just clarify with regard to the allegation, which aspect of it did you find abusive?

Was it the word "fat," or the word "fairy"?

Both actually.

Then with regard to the word "fairy," are we talking about h*m* Abuse, or Inappropriate Use of Language in the Workplace?

Could we clarify what you mean exactly?

I just... for the record?

Well, if Nurse De La Serda is gay we are talking about h*m* Abuse.

And if he is not, we are talking about Inappropriate Use of Language in the Workplace.

Well, he's not gay.

Union rep: Uh... okay.

Nurse De La Serda?

Tell them you're not gay.

Um, that's not the point.

I'm... that's... that's not why we're here.

I... I don't even think that's an appropriate question really.

Can we just get on... can we just get on with the meeting?

Okay okay.

Because I'm starting to get uncomfortable.

Okay.

We could simply... would you be happy, Nurse De La Serda to accept a sincere apology from Nurse Ortley.

Then maybe that would resolve it?

I'd have to confer with my manager.

Yes, possibly.

That's very generous of you. Thank you.

Didi, come on now.

Sorry.

Pardon, could you say again?

I already said it once. Sorry.

Could she say it like she means it, please?

Because I just don't think it's sincere.

I mean, did you think that was sincere?

Okay okay.

Didi, would you, could you please make a fuller apology?

No. I done already said it twice now.

Well, something sincere.

You know, from the heart?

Like there's the remotest chance that you actually mean it.

Let's not turn this into a brouhaha.

Take a breath.

I am extremely sorry, Nurse De La Serda.

Union rep: Beautiful.

Is that acceptable to you, nurse?

I don't know. I... you know, I'm gonna have to think about it, because I just...

I need some time.

Okay.

Um, yes. How long do you need?

At least 24 hours.

Beautiful. Beautiful. 24 hours.

Can I just finish by saying I think this whole meeting has been h*m*?

I mean, the whole meeting.

You know, I mean everything about it.

I mean, asking me, the victim, am I gay, am I not gay? It's just...

What are you saying?

It makes no...

Yeah, I've got to take this.

Hello? Yeah.

Overall, I think this went pretty well.

Dawn: I want to thank you for coming in on such short notice.

There's a certain matter we need to discuss involving Mom.

Mom has a suitor.

A gentleman friend.

(chuckles)

Yes, it is... it is sweet, but it's a little bit more than just holding hands.

Uh, there is oral sex and mutual masturbation mostly.

And then there's vaginal intercourse.

Um, I would say that it's pretty much on a regular basis. Like whenever they're together.

So if I could just get your consent here and here.

Did you want to continue your visit?

Bye, Mom.

Bye, Mom.

(Kisses) Bye.

At least we know she's not gonna get pregnant, right?

Nurse Forchette?

Oh, great. Now it's just "nurse"?

Dawn, I need to speak to you.

Yeah well, I really need to speak to you too.

Okay, what was that about back in the meeting?

And now you've been avoiding me like a leper.

I'm not even an open-faced sh*t sandwich.

I'm just some side order of crap.

No, please, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm under a lot of stress, Dawn, and I have issues.

Okay?

Yeah, I know you do.

And you're more than a sh*t sandwich to me.

Okay? You are.

We'll talk.

We will. But I just got back from the lab and they've confirmed two cases of C. diff in the Ventilator Suite which is very bad news.

So this entire ward needs to be deep cleaned.

The entire ward?

Yes.

Okay, but I'm gonna have to check with Dr. James.

Do you want to be the one responsible for burying all the patients with C. diff on this floor?

Please stop whisper-yelling at me.

Now where do you want me to put all these people? Where are the beds?

Seven beds in the stroke ward, but this ward's got to be cleaned now.

We need to get moving, okay?

Yes, I'm here.

What does this jackass want?

A floor-wide deep clean.

(groans)

Okay, I've got to go.

I've got someone stuck underneath a food cart in the elevator.

I feel really stupid right now.

Why?

Just...

I just think I wish I hadn't given him a blowjob last night.

You did what?

I know.

I know. It's just, it seemed like a really really good idea at the time.

You know? I went on a tight budget and I've just been feeling a little shaky.

What happened to your whole "whoops, kitty" of it all?

You know, have you ever had a shopping addiction, Denise?

You know what it's like to try to give it up?

You know what I mean? When you... the anxiety that you feel?

You have to replace it with something.

What about knitting?

Do something with your hands, not your mouth.

I know.

And he's gay.

Except he really wanted it.

Dawn... okay, let me tell you something.

I have a cou... you know what? Never mind.

Here's the thing: men will put their dicks in anything at any time.

Didi: Okay, stay calm, everyone.

There is no fire.

We're just moving you guys to another ward.

Okay, we're gonna take you guys over to the stroke ward.

What is happening here?

No no no no. Not happening.

No no. Stop the music.

Don't... stop moving patients.

Patsy ordered it, and we already...

I don't care what Nurse Patsy has ordered.

I am Director of Medicine.

Nothing has been run by me.

There are two cases of C. diff in the Ventilator Suite.

Okay, if there is a problem in the vent suite, we clean the vent suite. We don't clean the entire floor.

But of course, what would one expect from Nurse Psychobabble who wants to run this place like a cruise line?

Ridiculous posters.

These women are patients.

They are not customers.

The ridiculous new rules are degrading.

It's embarrassing. And they are Mickey Mouse rules is what they are. They are Donald Duck rules.

(Quacking)

Nurse De...

Doctor...

I'm sorry. I'm in a big hurry.

Doctor, just a word.

Mrs. Gelfman.

Just a word.

Mrs. Kaufman.

This... this ward needed to be cleaned, so I ordered a deep cleaning.

Yes, you did and you did not run it by me first.

Because I cannot find you. I'm not even sure what you do all day.

(Snorts)

Look, wait. Let me explain, okay?

Could I say something?

No, if I just... no, can I say something?

No, I'm sorry. Excuse me.

If I could just say...

All right. If I could just finish.

No, please.

If I could just say...

Our infection rates are sky high.

Please...

We can't afford out of control C. diff stats.

Voices down. Voices down.

They publish that data.

Nor can we report ward-wide cleanings. They publish that data too.

If there were two cases in the vent suite...

Let me say, you disrespect my initiatives.

Never did.

Making Donald Duck sounds?

Intentionally humiliating me behind my back.

It was not intentional humiliation.

Patsy: Undermining my authority with my nursing staff.

Have we lost our ability to engage in free speech?

And to roll with the punches? It was a joke.

You're the one undermining my authority.

I'm in charge of cleans.

And for your information, I have been dealing with pressing issues all day long is what I've been doing.

There are patterns of inappropriate sexual relationships on this ward, nurse, that have to be sorted out.

And I wonder if that's of interest to you.

Because it certainly should be.

(Exhales)

Dr. James, I'm just trying to do my job.

As am I.

Which is why I have been laboriously collecting stool for the past 17 months.

"The James Stool Chart: Fecal Incontinence and Bowel Discharge, a Practitioner's Guide to Diagnosis" has been selected by the Cleveland conference and could forever change the way we think about fecal discharge.

So I am going to that conference, yes, I am, and that is the end of that.

(Sighs)

Do you mind?

Thank you.

Marguerite: "The staff anticipates my needs and consistently strives to meet them."

Did Leonard leave?

What's this?

Darnell dropped it off for you.

He did?

Jenna: All right, team, I'm off.

A light, targeted clean, please.

I'll see you next week when I'm back from Cleveland.

Maybe I should put a big blow-up doll of myself in my chair while I'm gone.

Everyone can come in and just pork it.

Because believe me, girls, that's what they're trying to do to me.

Pork me purple.

What?

Nothing. That's just my face.

Um, don't forget your raffle-ticket money on Monday, Dawn. $300, yes?

It's for a good cause.

No problem.

Wish me luck.

Dawn: Good luck.

So you have a husband who just shows up and brings you candy?

Yep.

It's been rough lately.

We are, as of today, officially taking in my sister's kids.

Oh, Dee, I'm sorry. I had no idea.

My mom's a mess. She can't take them, so somebody's got to step up because my sister... whoo-wee.

I'm an only child.

(Monitors beeping, ventilators hissing)

Hello, girls.

We are going on a hayride.

Hello, Margaret.

(pop music playing)

Hello, Sandra, Neda.

We are blowing this joint and we are going up to six.

You...

My workout.

Here we are, Didi.

Ooh.

Oh, sorry.

Hold on one second. Let me back this up.

Here, I'll help you.

♪ To better times ♪
♪ To brighter days... ♪

Don't tip... don't crash in the crash cart.

* Come on, up the ladder to the roof... *

Here we go.

♪ Where we can see heaven much better ♪
♪ Let's get up the ladder to the roof ♪
♪ Where we can be ♪
♪ Closer to heaven ♪
♪ Stay with me, stay with me ♪
♪ And we shall let expression sing ♪
♪ Sing ♪
♪ Let freedom ring in ♪
♪ Oh, memories ♪
♪ Of yesterday's broken dream ♪
♪ Hey, don't you know? Don't you know ♪
♪ That they are gonna fade away? ♪
♪ Don't be afraid to go on up the ladder to the roof ♪
♪ Where we can see heaven much better ♪
♪ Let's go up the ladder to the roof. ♪