07x07 - Homecoming II: The Tailgate

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

♪♪

Drinking in the morning?

Knew it would come to this.

Just surprised it took so long.

For your information, I'm making a signature drink for the Homecoming tailgate.

Nancy's bringing lunch, Paula's doing sides, and since no one trusts me to cook, I'm drinks.

All right. I am almost done with my poster.

Maybe you've had enough.

I'm not drunk. I'm just happy.

You want some of my frankietini?

No, it's a little early for me.

Did you guys know that if it wasn't for me, the class of 2015 wouldn't even have an alumni table?

Okay, strap in, people. 'Cause it is a crazy story.

Maybe just a little.

I called the school to find out who the class liaison was for Homecoming, and they told me there wasn't one.

[Laughs] And I'm like, "whaaa?!"

I'll tell you when.

So, by the time I got off the phone, the class liaison was me.

That means I am in charge of everything... contacting all my classmates, setting up the alumni table...

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

So [Chuckles] what do you think?

I do remember 2015.

Good times.

[Door closes]

Don't get excited. I only came home to throw up.

What?

Yeah.

That guy we're staying with, Olson, got a stomach thing, then Hutch got it, now I'm starting to feel it.

And, you know, I only like to barf in the bosom of my family.

God, no. Get away from me, Axl! I can't get sick.

I am practically running Homecoming.

He's not sick.

I just said "bosom," and I didn't laugh. Clearly I'm dying.

You better not be dying. You're my cornhole partner.

We're getting that giant spatula.

What?

It's that stupid cornhole tournament trophy.

Ron Donahue's won it for the last five years.

Four. Not five, only four, and he's obnoxious about it.

Last time we had a barbecue, he brought that thing over, and he starts flipping burgers while I'm in the house getting the buns.

You don't touch another man's grill or his remote or his wife... in that order.

Whoo-hoo! Top three!

Ugh! Everybody stop talking!

I don't want the last thing I hear to be the sound of your voices.

You're not sick.

Did he just go into our bathroom?

[Toilet flushes]

♪♪

[Groans]

Damn it, Axl. Get out of my bed.

God, you have, like, no maternal instinct.

Don't be naked in my bed! You're getting my sheets all germy!

Go get into your own bed.

Too late! This one's already contaminated.

Get out. Don't you start burrowing in, Axl. Stop burrowing!

Get off of me! Why do you hate me?!

No! No!

[Grunting]

Axl: [Muffled] I feel like I'm moving.

Am I floating to heaven?

Hey, Mom. Listen, your onion dip recipe... is that from the back of the chip bag or the back of the soup box?

Chip bag. What's it for?

Tag: Who is that? Janet?

No, it's Frankie.

It's for the Homecoming tailgate on Saturday.

I just thought I might bring some.

Ooh, a tailgate. Sounds nice.

Yeah, and I'm making a signature drink. Should be really fun.

Not the drink, the whole day. But the drink should be fun, too.

Yeah, it's kind of bluish.

Hey, you know, we haven't been to a Homecoming in forever.

Maybe we should come down.

No, I don't think...

Tag, you want to go to Homecoming this Saturday?!

At Janet's?

At Frankie's!

[Sighs] Yeah, sure. Let's do it. We'll see you this weekend.

[Sighs]

[Telephone beeps]

Okay, you know I love my parents, but I really don't want them at Homecoming.

I mean, I feel bad even saying that out loud 'cause I'm so lucky to still have them.

But [Sighs] Homecoming is for fun and friends, and my parents are just gonna be so... There.

And they're gonna say things to people.

So tell them not to come.

Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Well, yeah, but you're the one that said you don't want them.

Yeah, I know. But I should. I'm just so lucky to still have them.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't want the sheet with the hole in it on my side.

It's not even a sheet anymore.

It's four corners of elastic with air in the middle.

I'll take my chances on the towel with the mystery stain.

Hey, you think Axl can shake this stomach thing by Saturday?

Oh, my God. Are you still worried about cornhole?

I will buy you the stupid spatula.

No! You got to win the stupid spatula.

You buy it, you look like a jerk.

[Sighs]

Zipper on top... no!

You know, this is all because I called my Mom for the dip recipe.

If I had a time machine, I would go back and not call her.

I know with the time machine, you're supposed to k*ll h*tler, and I will, but first this.

Look, I'm not saying it wouldn't be better without them, but suck it up. It's one day.

No, that's the whole point.

This is my one day to just forget about work and bills and puking kids.

I mean, I'm not going on a cruise.

I'm not going glamping with my girlfriends.

I just have Homecoming.

So, if I don't want my parents with me this one time, it doesn't mean I don't love them.

They'll understand that, right?

What's glamping?

I mean, we spend Christmas with them. We spend Thanksgiving with them.

I remember being with them recently on a Tuesday.

So, if I just want to have some fun without them, is that so wrong?

No.

Of course it is, Mike! I should want to be with them all the time.

I'm so lucky to still have them.

You don't have to keep saying that.

Yes, I do. I'm afraid if I don't, God will take them.

Tonight? 'Cause that would solve your problem.

[Sighs] Okay, that's it. I have nothing to feel guilty about.

I am gonna call them and tell them not to come.

[Dial tone]

[Groans]

How'd it go?

Shut up.

[Grunts]

Stupid dip.

Unh.

[Sighs]

Unh.

Come on, Axl. Get your head in the game.

I just threw up 20 minutes ago.

Well, don't throw up out here. It's supposed to freeze tonight.

We'll have to look at it all winter.

All I'm doing is picking up bags and carrying them to you.

I'm basically doing the job of a dog.

You want me to get Doris to do it?

She can't fetch anymore, remember? She has no mandibles.

Things just fall out of her mouth.

Yeah.

I just don't get why you're going to all this trouble.

What's not to get? We're doing it for the giant spatula.

And I'm the weird one. Weird one.

Can you feel my head?

Hey.

Am I hot?

That's your Mom's department.

I'm dead birds in the pool.

You got a dead bird on your forehead, I'm your man.

Hey, Mike!

Just going to get the meat for the giant hamburger I'm gonna make after Homecoming.

Lucky we'll have a spatula big enough to flip it!

I'm sorry about the trash talk. Ron made me say that.

♪♪

[Sighs]

Well, as an alumna now, I can tell you high school really is just a blip.

When you're in college, all the things you cared about you realize didn't even matter.

All the clubs that rejected you, all the elections you didn't win, all the committees you formed that people didn't show up to... no bigs.

[School bell rings]

Ah! The bell.

Oh, really enjoy it. It goes by too fast.

Tardy sweep.

Aww.

Oh, wait. No, no, no. No, I'm in college.

Oh, yeah. I'm in college, too.

Me, too. I go to Harvard.

♪♪

[Chuckles]

What are you doing, buddy?

All hail the cornhole pro.

Whoo!

Yep. Now that I'm an athlete, I should probably wear one of those shirts that has numbers on it.

Also that plastic thing athletes wear to protect my area.

I'm telling you, Frankie, he is unbelievable.

The kid's a natural.

Are you sure you're talking about Brick?

'Cause yesterday it took him three tries to hit the light switch.

The tide's turning here.

He's great at cornhole. He's protecting his area.

I'm just trying to figure out how he got so good.

♪♪

Who knew the road to the giant spatula would go through that little guy?

[Door opens] Pat: [Sing-song voice] Guess who.

Hi, Pat.

Hi, Mom.

Aww.

Where's Dad?

Oh, I convinced him to stay home. He's such a stick in the mud.

Takes an act of congress to get pants on him.

He only wears velour.

Mm. What's with the paper towels?

Oh, I didn't know if you had any. You don't always shop.

I telling you, Frankie, these are the best.

You can get them wet, wipe up a spill, wet them again, dry them out, and use them over and over again.

I'm carrying them everywhere lately.

[Door opens]

Oh, hi, Grandma!

Hi!

Oh, my gosh. You will never believe what just happened.

C-razy story.

Well, first there was a little mix-up with the tardy sweep.

[Chuckling] Mr. Farrar thought I was still in high school.

I mean, I was flattered, of course.

Oh, somebody at the dry-cleaner's once thought I was Marlo Thomas.

[Both chuckle]

Anyway, after I fixed the tardy thing, I found out something that is going to blow your mind.

Are you ready for this?

Sue, we don't always need all the build up. Just... you can just say it.

They weren't planning on having the mascot at Homecoming.

[Chuckles] Like, whaaa?!

Apparently being mascot isn't "cool" anymore.

So, I will once again be seeing Homecoming through the eyes of a giant chicken head.

[Chuckles] Well, not really through the eyes. I actually see through the beak.

Oh, I probably shouldn't say that.

[Chuckles] It ruins the mystery.

Anyway, now I really, really, really cannot get sick.

Yeah, Axl has a flu bug.

A really bad flu bug.

You... you know, actually, maybe you shouldn't be around us, because it's ripping through the house.

We're probably all gonna get it.

What do you mean we're all gonna get it?

We're not all gonna get it.

You just said we're all gonna get it.

I already got it.

What? When?

Yesterday, when I was mowing out back.

One and done.

Pat: I'm fine.

I'm taking this new packet of multivitamins for women 60-plus.

I've got more energy than I know what to do with.

[Chuckles]

If Axl has it and then Dad got it, that means it's making its way through the whole family!

[Sighs] Oh, hi, Grandma. I'm sick.

A want more jelly.

Give me your toast, Axl!

Whoa, what? Why?

I need a guarantee I am not gonna be sick for Homecoming, and the only way to do that is to get sick right now and get it over with.

I need your germs.

Give me your germs, Axl!

Frankie: Hey, hey, hey.

These are my germs! Get your own germs!

Aah!

Sue, ah, ah, ah, go to your room.

You're gonna stay healthy. Axl, you too.

I got this.

♪♪

Wow. This floor is filthy.

[Scoffs] What was that place called we went by that orange grove?

Indian River.

I can't remember the name of it.

It was the one with all the groves.

Indian River.

Went on for miles.

I just can't remember the name of it.

I said Indian River.

Indian River!

[Laughs]

Frankie: There was no way I was gonna have a good time at the tailgate if my Mom was there.

I love her. I feel so lucky to still have her.

I think I've made that clear.

But I had to get rid of her.

The trick was to do it without hurting her feelings.

It required a steady hand.

Like diffusing a b*mb, you have to cut the wires in the right order.

It's not gonna be the best tailgate.

Team's pretty lousy this year.

Oh, I don't go for the game. I go for the company.

Nope, wrong wire.

Have you seen our new Costco?

You got a new Costco?

Bingo! Now be delicate.

Yeah. They have the turtle pies that you like...

In bulk.

Oh. I do love those.

And I know those VHS tapes are hard to get, but they have them there.

Mm.

Also, gas is one cent cheaper. You really should go check it out.

Ah, maybe another time. I wouldn't want to miss Homecoming.

No, no, no, of course not. I'm just saying it's not a big deal.

The important thing is I've gotten to spend time with you.

Everybody's gotten to spend time with you.

So, if there are things you want to do, don't let us stand in your way.

I'm so lucky to have you.

Time to snip that last wire.

The ironic thing is there'll never be a better time to go than today.

Everybody will be at Homecoming, so the place will be empty.

No lines.

Well, the kids will all be off doing their own thing.

Oh, my God. I'm a Batman villain.

I'd love to pick up another 24-pack of my paper towels.

Stop smiling.

Sue, sweetie, would you mind if I go to Costco instead of Homecoming?

What? No! No, no, no, no, no!

I'm the class of 2015 liaison. I'm the mascot.

You already missed the last time I thought it was my last time being mascot.

This last time will definitely be my last, last time, and you want to miss it for Costco?

Of course I don't, honey. I'll be there.

Yay! [Laughs]

[Sighs]

Boom.

♪♪

If you know anybody from the class of 2015, send them my way!

Hey. Hey, you!

You're in my class! Get back here and reminisce!

[Sighs]

I'm not in high school anymore.

Hi, Frankie. Hi, Paula.

Happy Homecoming.

Oh, my God. Sean, is that you?

He's just trying it out. Doesn't mean anything.

Jesus had a beard. And Jim Henson.

And none of them were doing dr*gs, I can tell you that.

[Chuckles] What's with the new look?

I don't know. You just get to a point where you start asking, "what is the real me?"

I'm just letting it ride, you know?

No, they don't know. Nobody knows.

Nobody has any idea what you're talking about.

I'm gonna go get a veggie burger.

Are you trying to hurt me?

[Scoffs] Nancy, don't worry about it.

Listen, I remember when Axl decided he wanted to be more like Johnny Depp.

So he started wrapping scarves....

I don't know why I was worried.

My Mom wasn't gonna cramp my style.

No, not at all.

Okay, just ignore her. Concentrate on the story.

You're always funny when you tell it.

Stop looking at her.

[Clears throat]

You already said that part.

You're ruining the story, and it's gold.

Stop looking at her.

Everybody's always bothered by their own parents.

I bet nobody even notices her.

Oh, that's just your skin. [Chuckles]

And from there, it only got worse.

♪♪

I just love watching you have fun with your friends!

♪ You are the honey drop on the tip of my tongue ♪
♪ you're all the songs I wish I'd sung ♪

Mm, Pat, I'm so obsessed with this cake.

[Laughs] Thank you.

I'm so glad you like it.

So, let's see. How many of us are there?

Oh, just everybody give me $2 each, and that should cover the cost of the ingredients.

Well, I don't have any cash on me.

I could go back to the car and see if there's any change in the cupholder.

Do you have anything?

No. Do you want us to give the cake back?

[Chuckles] Mom.

You can't charge people at a tailgate.

Everybody brought stuff.

Those ingredients weren't cheap, Frankie.

That's real vanilla.

There's nothing wrong with asking people to chip in.

We're on a fixed income.

We have to watch our finances.

We can't be all loosey-goosey like you are.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, you're just a little free with your money.

I eat out of dented cans from the Frugal Hoosier.

This was a hand-me-down from our cleaning lady at work!

Why are you so angry?

How did you get like this, huh?

When did you become... you're just so... licking my face and shaking down my friends for money.

And what's the deal with the paper towels?

Stop telling people they're so strong you can make curtains out of them.

Who would want to do that?!

I love you, and I'm lucky to still have you, but I wish you would stop embarrassing me with your...

I'm embarrassing you? You think I'm embarrassing?

[Sighs] I'm sorry. Wait.

I didn't mean that.

I'm not saying I have a drinking problem, but I [Chuckles] I can't hold my frankietinis, you know?

I've been saying crazy things all day.

I told someone I like scallions.

[Chuckles] What?

You know, I think maybe I'll go check on Sue.

[Voice breaking] She's always happy to see me.

[Sighs] Mom.

Okay, so, uh, we scraped together... 94 cents.

It's okay.

Okay.

Hey, Mike, uh, if you need any help picking up those bags, I can do it with my giant spatula.

[Laughs]

I've had it for four years now, going on five.

I almost wish somebody would win it from me.

It's getting ridiculous.

[Chuckles] He's going bald, you know.

All right, Dad, I'm here for you. Let's do this.

Why are you here? I thought you were still sick.

Well, I was laying in your bed watching a show about some mom who lifts her car off a baby, and, uh, it hit me.

You're the baby.

So, now I got supermom strength.

I'm here to lift this crushing loser weight off of you.

Happy ending. You're welcome. You're out.

That's not fair.

Life isn't fair, Brick.

That's why I got all this, and you got all that.

Well, can't you find another partner? Sean's free.

You know, I'm not into competition right now.

I feel like there's enough competitiveness in the world.

Who are you?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

I'm the one who should be playing with Dad. I'm the athletic guy.

Well, now I'm the athletic guy.

"So, get me a root beer," he said in an act of intimidation toward one who has less ability in the arena of sport.

I'm not kidding, Brick.

I need to shine. This is where I shine.

Are we still talking about cornhole?

Look, past few years have been rough on me, okay?

In high school, I was great at everything.

Not Math and English, but the important stuff.

And now the coach never plays me anymore.

Me and Devin broke up.

Excuse me, if we're playing "whose life is more pathetic,"

I believe I am solidly on the board.

I'm strange. Most of my conversations with Dad consist of awkward silences.

I have no place to live!

I don't know how to skip.

I'm graduating in a year and a half, and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life!

Mouthwash doesn't work on me.

Ugh! Okay, Dad, choose.

Yeah, Dad, who's it gonna be?

Mike had to do something he never had to do in his whole life... pick between his two sons.

So, he did the only thing a father could do in that situation.

He didn't.

You got this, Brick!

In life, if you do the right thing, the universe has a way of rewarding you.

Except in this case.

It turns out Brick had never played in front of a crowd, and he was a giant choke artist.

[Light laughter]

[People groaning]

Sorry about that! My bad.

And Axl wasn't as healthy as he thought he was.

[Cheers and applause]

I am the cornhole king! Behold my giant spatula!

I will be a benevolent ruler who shall cook all burgers medium-well!

[Laughter and applause]

Mike really did deserve better from the universe.

But at least with us, the universe is consistent.

Oh, my God.

Remember when we thought this parking lot was big? Pbht!

[Laughter]

Sue, have you seen grandma?

Uh, no. Maybe Brick has.

She said she was coming to talk to you.

I-I'll just wait here.

No, Mom. Not here.

What is the big deal?

Look. You got a chair. I'm not gonna bother anybody.

Hi, I'm Sue's Mom. Not from the class of 2015.

I'm 2018. [Laughs] Kidding.

Uh, Mom, your tongue is blue.

Is it?

[Nasal] Oh, I guess it is a little bit.

[Chuckles]

Oh, I know.

Let's go see if we remember our old locker combinations.

Oh, my God. I embarrassed my daughter.

I guess one woman's blue tongue is another's paper towels.

It's the circle of embarrassment.

After that, Sue avoided me the whole rest of the day.

But at least she made it to the big game perfectly healthy.

Crap. So close.

What, is she pecking?

That's not pecking. That's puking.

Oh, I cannot get this on YouTube fast enough.

I got it. Grandma's here!

Turned out it was good my Mom was there.

Because sure, there's no doubt your parents can embarrass you, but they're also the only ones who will hold your hair back when you're throwing up.

I'm sorry for everything I said. I'm a horrible daughter.

No, you're not. You're wonderful.

We're gonna get you through this.

Your Dad is driving down right now.

He's gonna stop at Costco, get you more saltines and ginger ale.

We'll settle up later.