05x01 - And the Wrecking Ball

[bunniefuu]

Max, the guy is coming right now.

That's the first time anyone's ever been polite enough to announce that to me.

Yeah, hilarious, sex is messy.

Now hurry!

Let's get these cupcakes to the window before that guy gets here, and when he does, Max, don't turn around.

Why?

You know why.

And here we are on the much traveled Bedford Street right in the very heart of historic Williamsburg.

This guy is so boring.

He's like a roofy with a little flag.

During the 1830s, German and Austrian capitalists established their businesses here in historic Williamsburg Brooklyn.

And, in honor of those German and Austrian founding fathers, here we have our Williamsburg beer-batter cupcake.

Oof-yah, beer batter! It's good!

Wow, you're pushing harder than I was after I ate that whole brick of cheese.

Soon, docks, shipyards, refineries, mills, and other booming businesses opened along the growing waterfront.

Businesses just like Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

See, made in Williamsburg.

Only 12.95, 100% cotton.

And I'm guessing cotton oof-ya, ees good!

Actually, I was referencing booming Williamsburg businesses.

This is one of those small Williamsburg businesses that won't be here much longer.

Follow me.

Oh, sir, no, a free dessert comes with your end-of-tour meal at the Ye Olde Williamsburg Watering Hole Restaurant.

Don't waste your Euros.

How dare he tell those people our business won't be here.

I haven't been this speechless since the first time I saw your toe nails.

Who cares what he thinks?

We had such a good month, I had enough cash to buy my own box of S'mores Pop-Tarts, a goal I've had since I was 11.

My other goal was making it to 12.

By the way, you heard I referenced the Pop-Tarts as "my own box," right?

Max, I'm not interested in your box.

Well, not for another ten years when we're still single.

I can't believe that tour guide is telling people that our cupcake business is gonna fail.

I mean, it's one thing for you, me, and Time Out New York to say it, but...

I just hate that tour guy.

I hate that tour guy too!

Han, oh, my God!

It took us five years, but we finally have something in common.

That's not true. Aren't you both an A-cup?

Can you believe he's telling his entire tour that our cupcake business is gonna fail?

Just to play devil's advocate, maybe he has the most basic understanding of supply and demand.

Han, don't blow this, it might be our only connection ever.

Who the hell does that dickweed think he is?

Exactly.

And I hate him because that tour never eats in here.

He just keeps pushing his stupid Ye Olde Williamsburg Watering Hole.

I don't want to hear anymore about that guy's hole!

Until ten years from now when you're still single.

Hey, everybody!

Well, it happened.

Ryan Seacrest came out?

Oh, Max, don't be silly.

No, I'm pretty sure that happened a couple of years ago.

My biggest dream has come true.

Kentucky Fried Chicken now comes with free hair extensions?

Okay, my second biggest dream.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, no everyone just thinks that after they'd had the chicken Parmesan here.

It's not official. I haven't peed on a stick yet, but my boobs are really, really sore.

That could be my handy-work, baby.

Well, we're about to find out in a minute 'cause I'm about to go pee like a race whore.

Sophie, the phrase is "race horse."

Uh, not in Poland.

See, I got a whole bunch of these things 'cause, uh, my aim isn't very good.

Yeah, I have what the doctors call "a forked stream."

Well, whichever of those you don't use, I'll take.

It'll be nice not to throw myself down a flight of stairs every time I have a hunch.

Oh, all right, well.

Wish me luck, girls.

Oh, wait up, Sophie!

I'll hold the stick under you while you urinate.

Oleg, you're gonna make a great father.

Is it even possible for Sophie to have a baby?

I mean, didn't that window close around the same time Blockbuster Video did?

Well, we don't know how old she is.

Sophie's ageless, like a unicorn or... Anderson Cooper.

Caroline, I found a city website where we can complain about that tour guide.

Why, what'd he do to you?

Confuse you with a historic Williamsburg fire hydrant?

Up top!

Um, things have changed.

I'm kind of all about the Han and me connection right now.

Sorry, Max, you're out.

Han, complaining online doesn't work.

True, if it did, they would have replaced my faulty Legos by now.

I say we gotta find him and knock some sense into him.

I'm in.

That's the first time Han has ever said that to a woman.

All right, can I just come?

That tour guide keeps going on and on into his mic in front of that bunch of Euro trash.

It's like Madonna on tour.

Forget this Ye Olde Williamsburg place.

Those people should be having desserts at my diner!

Yeah, if they wanted Ye Olde Desserts, they should have come to us.

We've got lady fingers so old, they have arthritis.

Ooh, okay, here he comes. Get ready!

Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do this!

I'm not a violent person, and full disclosure, this is a Nerf bat.

Sorry, Caroline, I hope this doesn't affect our budding friendship/ you never know, possible romance.

Never gonna happen.

Okay, Han's dead to me. It's back to me and you.

Thank God. Those couple of hours were hell.

For me too.

Hi, we need to talk to you.

I'm Caroline from Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Oh, yeah, right.

I didn't recognize you without... the worst German accent I ever heard.

And you are?

Dannon.

Like the yogurt?

It's a family name.

Listen, Yoplait.

I personally don't give a crap what you think, but you bad-mouthing our business is upsetting my girl here.

You got that, Activia?

Look, girls, I'm not just talking about your business.

All the businesses on that block are gonna close.

It's getting plowed for an IMAX theatre.

Oh, my God.

I know.

Another Max is getting plowed on our block?

Morning.

Yeah.

I can't believe they're replacing us with an IMAX.

That subway psychic told me my business would skyrocket.

I guess this also means I won't be a contestant on "The Voice."

That psychic had food all down her blouse.

She couldn't predict her mouth opening, let alone your life.

I'm e-mailing all the neighborhood business owners to attend an emergency meeting tonight at the diner.

I've contacted pretty much everyone except that medical marijuana store.

You know, Joint Custody.

I'll call them, they're on my speed dial.

♪ Pa-boppa boppa-tarts... ♪

[keys clacking]

Yes, it was me. I stress ate them.

You ate my PPTs?

Personal Pop-Tarts.

You gave them a cute name?

Of course, I've been dreaming about them my whole life.

I can't believe you ate the last of my S'mores Pop-Tarts.

Fine, I'll go out and buy you another box with the money I was saving for a Wet n Wild lip liner.

[knocking at door]

Well, we know that's not opportunity knocking.

He lost my address when I moved in here.

Hi, girls.

I'm out of sugar, and can one of you read my morning pee stick?

I can't read this little window thing and I lost my cheaters and Oleg's not upstairs.

So you lost both your cheaters.

Yeah, see Max?

That kind of joke is no longer funny now that we're gonna be parents.

So no more that!

It's just not my morning.

Caroline, why don't you read it?

Might be nice to here some good news come out of your sad mouth for a change.

Oh, just take it.

I'm pretty sure I got the worst of it.

Okay, now everybody hold hands and get ready to cry 'cause I feel really, really, really pregnant.

It's negative.

You're negative!

Sophie, I understand you're disappointed, but maybe you should manage your expectations.

Oh, man I really thought I was pregnant.

I mean, my period's real late.

How late is late?

Hashtag, just asking for a friend.

Well, I don't know.

Six months?

A year, tops.

Well, I mean, at your age...

Oh, careful now.

Don't be too dead to get my new Pop-Tarts.

Exactly how old do you think I am?

Well...

If you open your mouth and say an age, any age, there's no coming back from that.

How old?

Well...

Oh.

[scoffs] [laughs]

Final offer.

Well, I don't know how old she is, but I've aged since this started.

Okay, next, Cathy's Crystal Shop.

Present and accounted for, thank the goddess.

Garboni Funeral Home?

Thanks for coming.

No thanks, I'm having my head frozen.

Bedford Methadone and Drug Clinic?

Oh.

Do you have a card?

We'll just wait for one more business to arrive before we start.

Oh, and thank you all for coming.

Oh, and thank you for closing the diner tonight for this meeting.

Oh, we're not closed.

Nope, this is a busy Thursday for us.

Oh, hi, are you here for the meeting?

Yeah, we're Smiley Time Daycare.

Well, if Sophie has a baby, I think we found our nanny.

Okay, tonight's call to arms is really about each and every one of us and our dreams.

Small businesses are and have always been the backbone of Williamsburg.

But this is about so much more than business.

Let me help.

I took a class in motivational speaking.

Well motivate your ass back down.

I got this.

Do you? You're losing this crowd faster than I'm going to lose my diner.

He's right, move it along.

You make that boring crock guy look like a sweeps episode of "Empire."

That was just my opening.

And your closing. Thanks, Caroline.

Yes, I said yes, folks.

Yes, we are all businesses, but we are one hell of a lot more than that!

Impressive. It's like Tony Robbins and a pine nut had a baby.

We are a family, and the only way... the only way out of this crap is each other.

Can I get a "what-what?"

all: What-what!

Can I get a high-five?

All: High-five!

All right!

High-five!

I'm so jealous.

I've been dying to do that for years.

And tomorrow, we need you, and I mean every one of you, to join my diner family at that public hearing down at the Brooklyn Courthouse and we are going to tell them they can keep their stinking buyout money.

Yeah!

There isn't enough money in the world to buyout our leases.

Yeah.

Han, I don't...

Wait, they want to buy us out?

Not 20,000, not 30,000...

Dollars? I could live in India.

I wouldn't have to sell these dumb crystals anymore.

But we are a family!

Yeah, we're a family.

[indistinct murmuring]

Might just be us tomorrow.

With the addition of the IMAX, I predict that the net worth of this now dilapidated group of businesses will at least quadruple.

And commissioner, you don't know me, but when it comes to finance, when it comes to most things really, I'm very hands on.

And also a douche.

We'll take a break and then hear arguments from the opposing side.

Max, I'm gonna ask you a serious question and I want the truth.

Is it, "Can you smell that onion bagel on my breath,"

'cause yes.

Do you think our business dream is as far-fetched as Sophie's baby dream?

You know Sophie's right there, right?

Don't get her mad.

I once saw her open up a can of paint with her knees.

I mean, aren't all dreams kind of crazy?

Isn't that why they're called dreams, 'cause they're not real?

At some point, you have to wake up and pee, right?

Sometimes five times a night.

Well, at least you won't have to listen to that annoying tour guide's speech twice a day anymore.

Right, if you look to your left, you'll see a failing cupcake shop with two completely deluded shop owners.

In fact, the only redeeming feature in this waste of architecture are the historic Tiffany windows right next to those two b*tches.

He says that? I totally missed that?

Yeah, because you're too busy sprechen the cupcakes.

Oh, my God, those Tiffany windows might be old enough to qualify us as a historic landmark building.

Oh, oh, my God, I'll be right back.

Where are you going?

Down to the city archives.

I need proof that those windows are legit.

If I'm not back when it's our turn to speak, stall them. Fill time.

Just go on an on talking about nothing.

Got it. Pretend I'm you.

But you would need a miracle to find that proof in time.

Psst, Max, you got a tampon?

I just got my period.

Either that, or I've been sh*t.

Sophie can still have a baby!

See, miracles can happen!

The woman is right there.

And like I've already said twice, Your Honor, I've worked at that diner since 1989, so, peace out.

She's still not back. Keep going.

Your Honor, I've been working at that diner since 1989.

I think we've heard everything this gentlemen has to say about the building in question, including, for some reason, of his brief affair with comedian Nipsy Russell's wife.

She was from Brooklyn!

I thought it was pertinent, Your Honor.

If there are no other witnesses...

Han, go, go, go, go.

No, I already blew this once.

Finally, you admit you blew something when I can't enjoy it.

Oleg, you go.

I can't. The judge knows me from a sort of "Eyes Wide Shut" situation.

You go.

No, nothing good ever happened to me in a courtroom.

Every single time, they just gave me back to my mother.

I'll go.

Yeah, I've got something to say.

You're a lady judge.

You got any Midol?

Well, if there are no further witnesses...

Damn it, yo!

I guess I have something to say.

Wonderful.

Carmella, we just lost our lunch table.

Nice model you got there, except IMAXs are supposed to be big.

[laughs] That's kind of the point.

Miss, if you don't have anything pertinent...

Stop, you can't tear our building down!

So excited, I feel like I'm in "Legally Blonde."

Those Tiffany windows are over 100 years old, making it a historic, landmark building.

Do you have documented proof of this?

Yes, I do, your honor.

So dramatic. I'm loving it.

Living, breathing, boring proof.

Your Honor, this gentlemen is an expert on historic Williamsburg.

Dannon, tell them about the windows.

First say it.

Say it in the eyes of the court, or no deal.

I will never do a German accent again.

The building's windows were created by Tiffany Studios in a playful fish motif for the original Williamsburg fish market, opened at that location in June, 1901.

Well, that qualifies as a landmark.

Yes!

Yah, dis is vuunderbar!

Well, I never promised you anything.

How do you like that, Max?

These cute little fishies from the fish market saved our business and the diner.

It's weird I'd wind up working in a former fish market.

Dannon told me the market was also a front for a whore house.

Yeah, that's more like it.

Now I have a serious question for you and I want you to tell me the truth.

Would it have been smarter for us to take whatever of that buyout money we would have forced Han to give us and quit?

Probably.

But Max, I've wanted my own business since I was little.

It's purely emotional.

I can't really explain it.

I can. It's your PPT.

Your personal Pop-Tart.

It is. It's my PPT.

Then I totally get it.

Yeah, you do, Max. You always do.

Well, girls, it's official.

You're still short?

We won!

The entire neighborhood has just been notified there is no IMAX buyout.

Yep, and they do not look happy.

Here they come.

Hey, you! Yeah, you!

[crowd chattering]

Open up!

They have sticks!

Can't leave him out there, can we?

Aah!

Oh, God!

Oh!