01x07 - Dr. Wendi: Coming to L.A.

[bunniefuu]

[ Cheers and applause on TV]

Come on! Are you kidding me?!

What are you, blind?

Ken, you screaming isn't gonna change the score.

I don't care!

David Arquette's waltz was clearly the dance of the night!

Hey!

Mother, Father, thank you so much for coming.

To our living room?

Please just relax.

Dave!

Um, what is this about?

Warm snickerdoodle?

All right.

Don't doodle it, Allison. It's a trap.

[ Inspirational music plays]

What is it that unites all humans?

Money. No, power.

Love?

Now, think before you speak.

Chocolate! The Olympics!

What unites all humans is their need to carry things.

Damn.

Hunters and gatherers were nothing without something to carry what they, well... hunted and gathered.

On this piece of paper, you will find what you call a backpack, what I call a dreamcatcher.

Molly, we're not gonna be swayed by...

Wow, that is a beautiful bag.

Right? It's a Gordon Ruby.

Okay, so how much is catching dreams gonna set us back?

It's on the other side of your handout, but what is a price, really? [Chuckles]

Okay, thank you for the cookie.

Dad, I know it seems expensive, but it'll last forever.

This costs more than my first car.

No... way.

But this isn't fair!

You want to know about not fair?

Call David Arquette. He'll tell you.

Look, it is not my fault you settled in an affluent area where something like the brand of your backpack doesn't go unnoticed.

We are so sorry for imprisoning you in this upper middle class Neo-Tuscan hell hole.

Mom.

Allison... can I call you Allison?

It's a "no" from both of us.

You were only supposed to throw the confetti if they said yes.

That's why I wanted a dress rehearsal.

Okay, I am not saying I want to go to prison.

I am just saying, it would be nice to have that much time to read.

Clark, we all have prison fantasies.

In mine, I'm being courted by all the gangs.

Oh, Pat, I've got to leave a little early tonight.

Before you tell me the reason, no.

It's important. I have dinner plans.

My sister's in town.

Oh, Dr. Wendi's in town?

Yep.

Wait, Dr. Wendi?

The Dr. Wendi from "the Dr. Wendi Show"?

The star of my dream where I'm sick and my doctor's Dr. Wendi, Dr. Wendi?

Yes, that Dr. Wendi.

You know my sister's show?

Yeah!

I used to watch it every day when I lived in Buffalo.

Sorry to city drop like that, but I lived in Buffalo.

Yeah, I guess they're sh**ting in L.A. this week or...

Yes, because they just became nationally syndicated.

Oh, that's... your sister has a national television program?

Oh, yeah. It's huge.

Okay, I-I'll tell you what.

You can go early if you get your sister to plug the clinic.

Fine. The four people who watch her show will hear all about Welltopia.

I watch it.

I know.

I was counting you and your three cats.

[Laughs] That's a good one.

I just can't believe that you and Dr. Wendi are related.

She is so compassionate and witty and warm, and you, uh... you took it a different way.

So, what's it like having her as a sister?

Well, to be honest, she used to be a bit of a hot mess.

After college, she lived in an airstream trailer in Santa Cruz with some old hippie dude, Dax.

Not a fragrant man. [Chuckles]

So, what happened?

Well, my parents were freaked out.

I brought her back to L.A., treated her dreadlocks for lice, and helped her apply to med school.

You are such a good big brother.

I just grow where I'm planted.

Okay, one question.

Would it be cool if I came to dinner?

No. Got it.

Unrelated question, where is the dinner?

Good evening, Dr. Park.

Welcome back to Apple Bushel.

Thanks so much.

I appreciate you saving us our usual table.

Do you have change for a $2?

Oh, no, please.

Your sister already tipped me.

She got here first and requested this table.

Hello, hello, hello!

Hey!

[Both laugh]

Wen-Wen!

Allison, you sexy bitch.

I love this dress.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not around kids very much.

But you guys are sexy b*tches, too.

Good to see you, aunt Wendi.

Sorry I had to switch tables.

I can't sit by the door anymore.

People keep coming up to me.

It just ruins the meal for everyone.

People keep coming up to you?

What, like the busboys?

They're just refilling your water, Wendi.

[Laughs]

Oh, my God, you are just blowing up.

Mom, Dad, thanks for making the trip.

How was the drive?

No drive. Wendi send Uber car.

Uber black.

Okay, um, well, tonight's the prime rib meal deal, which I highly recommend.

The baked potato's a dollar more, but it's delicious.

Sometimes you gots to live a little.

You really sold it. I'm in.

You know what?

Everyone get the baked potato tonight.

Dinner is on me.

All: Oh.

Oh. Baller alert. [Chuckles]

Oh, hey, guys, did you get the video of me emceeing the H.M.O. Banquet?

So clever. So talented.

Yes, I am.

You know, I just taped a little comedy sketch for Jimmy Kimmel.

Oh, the fat Jimmy?

Oh, he's the funny one.

That is so cool.

Wendi, you really big deal.

Yeah, so work's good, and, uh, you know, I'm taking my med school degree and applying it to save lives.

Like, front line. Boots on the ground.

Aunt Wendi, can I take a selfie with you?

My friends will go crazy.

[Squeals] I want one, too, just in case I make friends.

Oh, you are gonna make friends when you post this awesomeness.

Allison, get that pilates-toned ass in here.

I've only been twice, but I really think it's working.

Come on, Grandma, Grandpa.

Dave: Get in here.

Ken.

Okay, fine.

Wendi can't reach. You take selfie.

Okay...

Oh!

Yay!

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Ken.

Yeah?

Take one from my phone.

Wendi: I fly all over the world.

I did a nutrition workshop at the White House.

My TV show just hit the five million viewer mark.

I'm like, "how is this happening to me?"

Yeah, well, recently, Welltopia was rated the number 3 H.M.O. in the San Fernando Valley.

And I was also like, "how is this happening to me?"

So, I get it.

This is all so amazing.

When I first met you, I did not think you'd end up here.

Me neither.

To Wendi.

And... ?

Her show.

[Speaks Korean]

Seriously?

Korean?

I picked up a little on a syndication tour of Korea.

I wanted to surprise you.

They flew you to Korea for free?

I want to be a TV doctor.

You just have to study hard.

Ish.

Well, I'm trying to excel in school, but my parents keep stacking the deck against me by not getting me a Gordon Ruby backpack.

Oh, I'll give you one.

Really?!

I have a closet full of them.

People send me crazy stuff for free all the time.

I'm like, "what?!"

Oh, my God!

So generous.

Really great of you.

Look, we don't need your charity backpack, okay?

Huh?

Because...

I'm getting her one, you know?

Oh, my God, that's so generous.

Really cool of me.

Seriously?!

Well, I just like to get the kids a little something when I come to town.

I've been taken with that crumb sweeper all night.

It's yours.

No, no, no.

I'm getting him the crumb sweeper, too.

Geez, how do you say "thanks for ruining all the surprises" in Korean?

[Speaks Korean]

How long were you there?

Hey, how was dinner with your sis?

Did she pay? Of course she paid.

For the first time ever.

Wow, you are incredible.

If I had a famous sister like Dr. Wendi, I would be so jealous, and yet you are just glaring at me.

You know, what's there to be jealous of?

She's just a mid-level television personality who nobody even knows...

Oh, my God, it's Dr. Wendi!

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

Can I have your autograph?

This is someone's discharge papers.

Two birds, one stone.

Girl, I got to admit, I didn't love you at first, and he has shrunk on me., Dr. Wendi, hi, I'm Pat Hein.

I'm the medical director here at Welltopia Woodland Hills, and we would just love it if you could do a segment on us.

Well, I guess I could do something about the sad state of mid-level corporatized medicine.

Name the day.

So, what are you doing here?

I wanted to come by and apologize.

I feel like I overstepped last night with the backpack.

And the crumb sweeper.

Yeah.

Dave's turning out weird, huh?

Yeah, we're keeping an eye on it.

We are sh**ting our last episode here tomorrow, and I wanted to ask you to come and be on the show.

We have a lot of doctors on as consultants.

Oh, really?

Wow, I-I haven't watched it yet.

You know, busy schedge.

Please.

You watch "Judge Mathis" in your office every day.

We just need a quick sound bite.

Mom and Dad are coming.

It would be really great to have my big bro on.

I don't know.

You have to do it.

You've always said that you dreamed of being on television.

No, I said I had a dream in which I was a television.

If you're gonna throw my dreams in my face, I'll find someone else to share them with.

My mistake. I'm very sorry.

Yeah, I keep his dream journal.

He was not a television.

[Applause]

Okay, you guys, get ready because Sugar the Wonder Dog is gonna tell us which one of these people has diabetes.

[Applause]

[Barks] Do you have diabetes?

Unbelievable!

Okay, who's ready for an audience dance off?

What-what?!

[ Up-tempo music plays]

A diabetes-sniffing dog?

Are you kidding me?

I know. Incredible.

Yeah, incredibly stupid.

If you're worried about having diabetes, you shouldn't be consulting a dog.

You need Insulin, not Rin-Tin-Tinsulin.

Fresh.

A lot of people are pretty into her show.

That's because they haven't seen the show I saw in that airstream trailer.

It was called "I Will Not Shower," and it ran for way too long.

Dad, you are, like, the hero of all my friends.

Oh, thank you.

Do you have it?

Have what?

The backpack.

Molly, sweet, sweet Molly, that was never gonna happen.

It was just something said in the middle of a pissing contest between siblings.

So, you just lied to me?

Great parenting, Dad.

You heard her. Great parenting.

Take away the tone. That's a compliment.

I don't think Wendi was involved in that pissing contest.

Yeah, she was. She was big-timing me.

Just like today when she came to my office and asked me to be on her show.

How exactly is that big-timing you?

You just don't get it, do you?

I really don't.

This is her chance in front of Mom, Dad, and the entire world to finally show up her high achieving, handsome, athletic...

If he had been encouraged... brother.

Ken, admit it.

You're jealous of Wendi.

[Chuckling] Jealous?

Wow. [Laughs]

Who gave this lady her therapy license, am I right?

Okay, fine, if you're gonna make jokes to the lamp about me, don't do Wendi's show.

No, no, whoa, whoa.

I'm gonna do it, but as a real doctor.

I'm not gonna condescend to people.

You know, talk down to them.

Look, maybe I'm just a therapist who's super smart, but you obviously have issues with your sister, and at some point, you're gonna have to talk to her about them.

Okay, whatever.

Piece of advice for you don't marry a therapist.

[Chuckles]

I'm gonna leave you two alone.

This is like the second part of my dream where Dr. Wendi is my doctor and she takes me into the exam room, but the exam room is this green room.

Come on, guys, act like you've been here.

Sorry. You're right.

I... shrimp.

Aw, hell, no.

Dr. Park, you're on in 10. You ready?

I was born ready.

Okay, I'm just gonna tell them that you're ready.

All right, now remember, the topic is heatstroke, and if there's a dance break, we prefer that you dance.

Yeah, I'm not gonna dance.

It's okay.

Even if you're not good...

Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there.

I've got moves for days.

But today, I come to you as a doctor, not a dancer.

It's been great meeting you.

Ken? Oh, Ken.

What are you doing here?

Well, I came to remind you that you promised to plug the clinic on air.

Just say something like, "Welltopia, where well meets topia in the San Fernando Valley."

"Topia's" not a word.

Neither is shrimpgasm, but that is what is happening right now.

[Audience chanting "chug"]

[Cheers and applause]

20 ounces down.

44 more to go for ideal hydration!

And now, as a special treat for heatstroke week, I want to introduce you to a super awesome doctor and my big bro.

Please welcome Dr. Ken Park!

[Cheers and applause] Yes! Yes!

Whoo!

Hi!

Hi.

[Laughs]

Shout-out to Mom and Dad!

So, avoiding heatstroke, to wear a hat or not to wear a hat.

That is the question.

Well, I think we have to back it up a little bit.

Heatstroke is a result of the body trying to regulate...

So, hats... good or bad?

Well, um, good, but it's important to look at all the factors involved in temperature regulation okay, so a hat it is!

Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Ken Park!

[Cheers and applause] Ken Park!

Coming up next, we solve the mystery of what that tricky SPF number actually means.

[Audience oohs]

You can go now.

I'm not done.

You're not?

Uh, in order to prevent heatstroke, one must identify the three main...

Okay, hats off to you, big bro.

And now I have hats for everyone in the audience!

What?!

Look under your seat.

You get a hat!

Oh, my God!

You get a hat!

You get a hat!

[Cheers and applause]

Okay, you can't solve everything with a hat, Wendi.

Well, you can solve heatstroke.

Anyway...

Not if you're young, elderly, or have a compromised immune system.

Boom!

Whoo! Yes!

That's true, but we like to keep things light on the show.

[Cheers and applause]

Uh, real medicine isn't light.

People die on my watch every day.

Yes, they do!

Many people die! Whoo!

Hey, I do a lot of good on this show, and people take it really seriously.

F.Y.I... if someone can do this on a show, then it's not serious.

[Cheers and applause]

You know, no, I am...

You just don't get it because you're small and jealous.

I'm not jealous of a doctor who went to med school in the Caribbean.

[Audience murmurs]

I mean, her diploma says, [Jamaican accent] "Good job, Mon."

You know what, he's right.

I did go to med school in the Caribbean.

A fully accredited medical school, and I went there because I took a different path.

I wanted to have some fun along the way.

[Chuckling] Yeah, you had a lot of fun.

At least I wasn't a virgin at 30.

Sorry I respected my body!

[Sighs]

Welltopia... where well meets topia in the San Fernando Valley.

I invite you here, and you do that?

You just asked me here to big-time me.

I asked you here because you're my brother and a doctor.

You know what I think?

You wish I was still a lost little 20-something living in a trailer in Santa Cruz, don't you?

Of course not. You had lice.

Then my Camry had lice for the next six months.

You've always been the perfect one that Mom and Dad worshipped, and I've always been the one that did things with an asterisk next to them.

Got a bachelor degree in six years.

Went to medical school... on a boat.

Finally, I have some success, and I wanted to show it off to you not because I think I'm better than you, but because I thought I owed it to you.

You bailed me out so many times.

I couldn't do any of this without my big brother.

I didn't know you felt that way about me.

Of course I do.

I always have.

So, everything you have is because of me?

Not everything.

Wow, everything you have is because of me.

Okay, now I know what Allison is always complaining about.

Look, I'm sorry.

I am small, and I did get jealous, but I'm also really impressed.

I mean, your show is legit.

Well, we could probably dig a little deeper on some issues.

Either way, you're helping people, and I am so proud of you.

Aww.

You know, I'm gonna be in L.A. a lot now, and I really want to see you guys more.

I think we'd all like that.

You know, you're not the first Park to dip his toe into the world of medical infotainment.

Remember my show on the campus TV station back in med school?

That's right.

"Yo! K-MD Raps!"

[Both laugh] Good times.

We are very disappointed in you two.

You have brought shame...

Oh, shrimp.

Come on.

So, when's the show gonna be on?

Oh, it's never gonna air.

I wrecked it by fighting with her.

Apparently I cost the studio over a million dollars.

It's like I kept telling you, all I needed to do was talk to Wendi about my feelings.

She just doesn't listen.

Wives, right? [Chuckles]

Look, I know you've always been the star of your family, and it's not easy to share the spotlight.

So, you're saying I'm a star?

No. I'm saying...

You know what? Yes, Ken, you're a star.

Oh, oh, you can ignore me, but you can't ignore this.

[Screaming]

[Clears throat]

There were other promises made that night.

I remember.

Here's your very own crumb sweeper.

Oh, my god. Who wants toast?

Yeah, he's getting weirder.

Welcome to "Yo! K-MD Raps!"

A live show where you call in and I, Ken Park, your resident resident will rap about your medical concerns with you.

[Telephone rings]

Oh, first call ever.

Yo, this is K-MD.

What yo problem?

Man: I have a sharp pain in the right lower part of my stomach.

Yo, Steven, drop a b*at.

[Rap music plays]

[Rapping] ♪ Sometimes it's hard to figure out ♪
♪ What's going on inside us ♪
♪ But I can tell you that ♪
♪ What you described's appendicitis ♪
♪ You say you got a sh**ting pain inside your abdomen ♪
♪ Hang up the phone with Dr. K and go call 911 ♪

[Music stops] Actually, no, seriously, hang up the phone and dial 911.

Word to your moms!

Or whoever your emergency contact may be.

Take us out, Steve!

[Rap music plays]

[Screams]

Sha-ma!

Sha-ma!

Sha-ma!