03x07 - An Origin Story Walks Into a Bar

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Shel, haven't seen you for few days. Where you been?

Oh! This week has been all about giving hugs.

See, I hugged all my French friends because they needed it.

I hugged my Muslim friends because they needed it, too.

So much has been going on. I wish you could just travel around the world giving hugs.

I will!

You think I'm afraid of !sis? Bitch, I'm from Detroit.

Guys, I've got a lady stopping by, so I want to make sure I look hot.

Ah, what do you think of this super casual pose?

When would anybody ever stand like that?

Uh, I don't know, maybe when he's doing a super sexy photo sh**t but he still needs to fence off enemies?

"Get away, enemies, get your own photo sh**t!" Ah, yah-yah!

Look, Danny, if you want to turn a woman on with a pose, you should pose like this.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm listening to her tell me about her day.

Oh my god, I want to cuddle you so hard!

Look, uh, I know lately I've been acting a little bit, what's the word we always used to describe Justin?

Uh, puffy.

Ah. No, no, no, not puffy.

Uh, not quite good looking enough for TV?

Uh, well, he is... I mean he's good enough, good-looking enough...

He's good-looking enough to be the second lead.

But that's not what I'm talking about. Neurotic.

That's the word.

I'm not neurotic!

Do you guys think I'm neurotic? Is that something you guys talk about?

Now, be honest with me. The way you're looking at me, I feel you talk about this.

You know what? I don't care. I don't care. I'm me.

Who am I kidding. I care. Does everybody hate me?

This is you right then <gibberish>

Yeah, everybody hates you, but uh, the reason I'm acting neurotic because the lady that's coming to visit, is the one that I lost my virginity to. All right?

When I was a 17-year-old kid, I used to wait tables at a really fine dining place and this really hot 31-year-old executive named Jackie came in, and when she asked for dinner I offered her dessert, she said she's like some hot coitus.

After a really embarrassing and uncomfortable conversation with the head chef...

I became a man.

That actually reminds me of my first time.

That night was scary as hell.

Aww, because you were nervous?

Oh no, because we did it at a haunted house.

Guys, can we not talk about this in front of Mo, he's still a virgin.

Well, my leg begs to differ.

Mo also went to town on my Pottery Barn throw pillows, ones I purchased. Boy, if those pillows could talk.

They'd say "a man should not own us."

Jackie's the worst.

She played games with Danny's heart for years and smashed his self-esteem.

Yeah, but I got it back!

I just don't want you to end up under her spell again.

Are you crazy?

Uh, when I met her, I was a 17-year-old kid. Okay?

Now she's probably, like, 50. I'm going destroy her.

All right? When she hobbles in here with her washed up wrinkly old body, like a troglodyte that goes ahhhh!

I'm going to look her in her one good eye and I'm going to tell her...

Uh... Hey, Jackie. You look really pretty.

I know, right?

Go get me a glass of wine.

Okay.

Yeah. What are you laughing at?

Oh, it's just kind of funny watching you boss around a grown man like that. Hahaha...

I'm also going to need a pastry from the shop down the street.

Yes, ma'am.

So I want to do that kiss where I bite your lip and then pull it out a little bit.

Mmmm!

Hey, you know, my friends are watching I can't believe two weeks have passed since those two started dating.

I know. It feels like only a minute ago, we were all meeting her for the first time and wearing completely different clothes.

Can you do me a favor and get my car washed today before you pick me up at work?

Oh, and don't forget to wear those jeans that make your ass look like a little girl.

So tiny!

Hey... hey... hey.

Hey! What are you guys laughing at?

What are "we" laughing at? Hahaha!

Ohhhh you know what? I don't know! Let me think about it.

Two weeks ago you said you were going to destroy her, and now...

How do I want to say this? Guys, can you give me a jazz hands tunnel?

<Vocalizing>

♪ You're a bitch ♪

That is 100% false.

I don't know, Danny. My mother bred poodles so, I know a blue ribbon bitch when I see one.

Yeah, and we ain't talking like a fun, playful bitch like, "Yo, what's up, bitch?"

Hey guys, leave Danny alone.

Yeah okay, thanks, Bursk.

He thanked me! What a bitch!

You see what you did here? Huh?

You're the last person who should be commenting on this.

Candace fights all your battles for you.

Hold on, just hold on.

Hey! Shhhh!

Are you talking about my man? Cause if you step to him, you'd best be ready to step to me!

You wanna dance, ese?!

Easy, babe, easy. Breathe, breathe...

Look, alright? Do I do things for Jackie? Of course I do.

Look at it from my perspective. Look at all the things I get.

She's amazing at sex. When my penis gets inducted into the penis hall of fame, it's going to give an amazing acceptance speech.

And you guys are all going to miss it.

Today, today, today, is the luckiest, day, day, day, in my entire penis, penis, penis, life, life, life.

I am having the best penis life, life, life, in the whole penis world, world, world, world.

I'm a big fan. I'm going to...

First off, that was a terrible speech. Second, you're ridiculous.

Oh yeah? Guess what? I think you're more ridiculous.

That's it! I've had enough! I'm going to cut you up and sell your pieces!

I'm gonna serve you for dinner at this bar Look, I know you guys think it's funny to see Danny wrapped around Jackie's little finger, but when he was a kid, Jackie didn't just hurt his feelings, she damaged him.

He changed as a person.

Les, we're talking about "grown-up Danny" here, nobody can change him.

What?

In the words of Janice, my favorite secondary character from the hit TV show "Friends": "Oh... My... God!"

Jackie made you do this, didn't she?

No way. I did it on my own volition. I mean, I think it looks... Awesome.

You look like someone who rides hot air balloons for fun.

Don't you understand? She's trying to change you back into the kid she controlled.

This is exactly what he looked like back then.

Look at this picture of him in high school.

The khakis, neatly tucked in shirt, Bad haircut... We could have been best friends!

Has Jackie at least changed? Does she still make you feel like crap all the time?

No. Like never makes me feel like crap.

I mean sometimes she says how I never finished college and I'm not going to make anything of myself, but she says that stuff like, playfully, like in jest.

Plus, even if I wanted to break up with Jackie, I couldn't do it, she's like a sexual wizard. Seriously, she's like Dumbledore except, instead of being old and a dude, she's a 50 year old female that's really hot, and has a rock hard body, does Pilates and shaves all over.

I don't think I read that Harry Potter book.

Danny, it's simple. Just stop having sex with her.

Okay, Wait a second. Did you just turn yourself into Sofia Vergara because, [mimicking Sofia Vergara] "whatever is coming out of your mouth, right now I cannot understand, it's a, it's a, literally no naked and it sounds to me."

Not have sex with a girl. I'm sorry, I don't know how to do that. Okay?

Bursk, how do you do it?

Generally I just speak to them and it kind of happens on its own.

To be fair, it's easier to make an excuse not to have sex with a girl.

Yeah, "I'm so tired!" and "Oh! I'm hungry", "I got in a fight with my mom", a sad one, Oh! "Dateline's on!".

Uh, "I had a bad day at work".

"Why does it always have to be about sex?" "You never ask me about my day."

My personal favorite: "Uh, tonight's not going to happen, don't make it about you"

Hey, dummy.

Hey uh, guys, don't worry about it. I got this Hey uh, let's get outta here because I want to take a bubble bath and see how long you can hold your breath under water.

No, Jackie.

Also, "Dateline" is on.

Go get in the car.

Okay.

Guys sorry, it's really hard. I'll try when the opportunity presents itself.

Hey Jackie, I know this isn't my place to say but I don't think you're right for Danny.

What did you just say to me?

Uh-oh. I think he made it mad.

Look...

What?

What <splutters>

What I'm...

I can't understand you.

What I'm saying, I don't want to get involved.

Yes, right, when it comes to my boy...

Oh...!

He's not your boy anymore. He's my boy now.

So you, and both your chins...

Better back off.

Hey, nobody talks about my...

Hey-aaahhh...!

Not now, powder puff. We're not on a Disney show.

Um... Brett, could you please take this to table 3?

Are we good?

Does anyone else need their face squished?

No?

Then this little scene is over.

I'm normally the person that gets the last word around here.

Yep!

Your hand smells pretty nice.

I don't think I really want to cut my hair, to be honest.

Too bad. You look too much like me from behind.

I am going to go Google how to cut hair.

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait. What are you guys doing here?

We're here to rescue you! Yeah, Jackie's so mean!

She squished our faces while you were waiting in the car!

You don't think I know that? What do you think she bragged about all the way home?

Did you tell her not to squish any faces anymore?!

Hey man! Of course not. I don't want to get my face squished! Okay?

You know what? Just shut up!

You're the only one talking right now!

Yeah, you telling us to shut up is rude!

<Karate sounds>

Shut up!

You shut up!

Danny!

Never mind. Never mind.

What?

Forget Jackie! You shouldn't be with somebody who might hurt you.

Hurt me, hurt me? Apparently you don't know who you're talking to, okay?

Nobody hurts me. I'm unhurtable. Ask around.

Seriously you know the song by R.E.M.? "Everybody Hurts."

Well, guess what? I went to the concert once and they invited me back stage and after that they literally apologized to me about naming the song "Everybody Hurts"

Yeah, they were like "Hey man, we actually thought when we wrote the song that literally everyone hurting. But now..."

We saw you and we changed our minds.

That obviously that never happened.

Just come with us.

No. I'm not doing that. I'm putting my butt right on this couch, and it's not going anywhere Guys, you know what to do. Let's go.

Danny... Danny...

Oh, forget it.

Who's going to get the door? Ummm.

I'm impressed. I really, really honestly did not think you'd be able to do that That is hard.

Would you just listen?!

Look, you're never going to be free of Jackie unless you admit that she hurt you.

You gotta tell her.

Yeah, I just don't think I'm strong enough to do that by myself.

Guys? Couch moment.

Look...

You don't have to do it by yourself.

Yeah, you have us.

Yeah man, I know you're scared of Jackie but, you remember when we all went and saw "Guardians of the Galaxy"?

Is that the movie with the little tiny raccoon that looks exactly like Justin?

Yeah dude!

Guys! That's it! I'm done! I get that she ***

Listen, that's not the point. The point that Shelley's trying to make is the Guardians by themselves were weak but when they were together, they could b*at any evil But you don't get it man. She's vicious.

She goes right for your biggest insecurities Wow. From behind, like, three of you have bald spots Come on, dummy. Let's get outta here.

Okay...

No, no. Hold on, Missy. He's not going anywhere.

Pipe down, guy who's worried that his girlfriend will realize that she can do much better.

Shhhh-Shhh-shh-shh.

Okay, look, you leathery lizard...

If you're going to mess with my brother you're going to have to go through me first.

Oh, please. With that haircut, you're like, one Adidas tracksuit away from being Jane Lynch.

I could do this all night.

Leslie's never gonna love you.

Um, ba, ba, ba...

You got laid more when you were straight.

And you? The dog on "Frasier" was better.

Anyone else?

I believe I'll pass.

You know what, Jackie, you don't get to talk to my friends and my friend's dog that way. Okay?

I get it. When I met you, I was a 17 year old kid, and you turned me into an egotistical, superficial maniac alright?

But you probably did some bad things too.

I mean, you hurt me. Because of you, I don't trust women anymore And you know what? Everyone that matters in my life, I never think I'm good enough for.

You really did a number on me.

But, thanks to all these friends, especially this tiny little raccoon friend.

They're all helping me through it.

So good-bye, Jackie, get out of here. Don't come back.

Oh no, what ever will I do?

You're my everything. See you around, sucker.

Oh... well, you defeated your archenemy.

You want to do the bit of "Guardians of the Galaxy" when they meet the bad guy?

Slow motion hero walk.