04x11 - The Lahiris and the Castellanos

[bunniefuu]

Hey. Good morning, beautiful.

Hi, baby.

I got you a present.

Oh, my God. Wow.

Danny Castellano, good morning.

Morning.

Oh, my God! Why did you give me a cockroach?

No, it's not a cockroach, it's a date.

Oh, fruit! You know I hate fruit! What's wrong with you?

Okay, stop!

Oh, God, it's my living nightmare.

Hey. Okay, look look, that was just my way of saying I wanna set a date for our wedding.

Oh.

Yeah, I was doing my weekly dry fruit run...

[snaps] And it just came to me.

I'm tired of living in sin.

Oh, please, we're like God's favorite p*rn.

Well.

Okay, well why now?

Well, when I was taking care of my dad, the only thing that got me through was thinking about you and Leo.

Oh, sweetheart.

I love you.

I'm so excited.

Hey, to celebrate our matrimony, how about a little mattress-mony?

No, baby.

What?

There's no time.

There's not?

No, we have to find a wedding location.

[sighs] And it can't be anywhere in Central Park, because I fit the description of that flasher they never caught.

Babe, I'd marry you in a gutter.

Aw. That is the sweetest and worst thing that anyone has ever said to me.

Now, go get your checkbook, 'cause this bitch gon' be expensive.

[hip-hop music]

Hey, guys, I'm so glad you could join us tonight.

Um, Richie, congratulations, I have selected you to be one of my bridesmaids at our wedding.

Yeah, boy.

That's a little offensive, don't you think?

If anything, I should be the Maid of Honor.

It's not like you have any female friends, Mindy.

He's right.

I don't know.

Come on, Richie, you gotta be a bridesmaid, 'cause Rishi, we'd like you to be a groomsman.

Oh, no, Mindy, I am not gonna be a groomsman at some h*nky's wedding, all right?

Hey!

Look, I'm the DJ.

[rapping] ♪ Here comes the bride... ha! ♪
♪ All dressed in cash, church is going crazy ♪
♪ 'Cause it's all about that ass ♪

You know what, I apologize. You need to be doing that.

You know how I do.

Well, Mindy, I took the liberty of... designing your invitations!

On my computer, of course.

The theme is: Very Religious.

Cool, okay. [clears throat]

"Annette Luiga Castellano invites you to the union of her son Daniel Matthew Mark Luke John Castellano"

Ma, you didn't use all my confirmation names.

Oh, they wouldn't fit.

Hey, I love this, in theory, but I actually already finished designing the invitations to the wedding.

They're silk.

Ma, what are you doing? Ma.

Okay, you know what, Annette, we can use your invitation, but, for God's sakes, put my name on it, okay?

Really, Mindy?

Yeah. It's fine. I mean, everyone knows that the wedding is just about the dress, anyway.

Exactly! Which is why I made an appointment for us at Gretchen's Bridal Pile & Beeper Store.

Oh wow, Ma, you're so good at this.

Maybe I should be marrying you.

I always thought you two would make a great couple.

Oh...

We'd be a great couple, you and I.

Meant to be.

[both laughing]

I mean, I'm marrying you, but...

Eh...

Yeah!

Goodnight, Ma!

Goodnight!

That was great.

Hey, your mom is ruining this wedding for me, and it's not fair, Danny. I'm supposed to be the one that ruins it for everybody else.

Okay, just relax.

Just be nice and try on a couple dresses.

If you don't find one you like, then go get the one you want.

Oh, really Danny?

I can choose my own dress for my wedding?

That's so nice, but your mom's gonna come on the honeymoon with us, right?

So she can tuck you in at night?

I don't know guys, it doesn't feel very me.

First of all, I did not know that the Vatican even made wedding dresses, you know, and it was always my dream, growing up, to wear a beautiful wedding dress that made all the groomsmen tent their pants.

Have you ever considered that maybe the dress is not the problem?

Huh?

Well, that's the eighth one you didn't like.

I guess we should go. I'm sorry, Mindy.

I just really wanted to help you find a winner.

I mean, it wasn't unhelpful, Annette, I definitely know what I don't want at all in a million years.

It's just that at Danny's first wedding, Christina and her mom boxed me out.

They threw it at their fancy country club.

I'm sorry, Annette. That's not cool.

Thank you, Mindy.

So, that dress is definitely...

I don't know, maybe I was kind of hasty.

I kinda like it. I'll get it.

Yes!

Ohh!

Everyone, I present to you, my wedding dress.

Oh, yeah! [b*at boxing sounds]

Wow.

Holy God.

Whoa.

You know, I get paid like a thousand dollars for this in Japan.

Wow, that looks amazing... on Tamra.

Okay, I'm going to be her weight and her height by my wedding.

You know, I actually entered your sexual history into an online wedding dress finder.

It said you can just wear a lawn and leaf bag.

Or totally nude with a nun chanting "Shame, shame."

Pardon the interruption, Mindy, but would you mind working for a few minutes?

Nah, I'll pass.

Mm-hm. Just a sec.

Hey, no no no wait, she's not done...

Now, I support your legal right to marry Danny.

Jody, you know that I'm a woman, right?

I'm just concerned that your wedding planning has begun to encroach upon our business venture.

What? Jody, I assure you, I am 100% committed to "Later, Baby."

In fact, I started us a Periscope account.

Then, I forgot about it, and 100 people saw me shave my ears.

Well, I'm happy to hear that.

Because I've booked us to speak at my Alma Mater.

What? That's incredible.

Yes. Southern Legacy University.

John Wilkes Booth School of Political Creationism.

We leave Friday.

Wait, Friday?

Oh, Jody, I can't go.

Oh, yes, you can. It's an integrated campus.

I mean, it will be, when you're there.

No... although, that's... alarming.

The truth is, I haven't exactly told Danny about our business or that I even want to go back to work at all.

We've just been going through this stuff Oh, some stuff. Well, isn't that just dandy?

You know, I never would've gone into business with you if I had known that you were such an air-headed flibbity-jibbit.

A fli... how dare you! Okay, we are not in business together, sir.

"Later, Baby" is my company, you just made it a million times better with your great ideas.

Yeah, keep walking, Kimble-Kinney.

Yeah, well it ended up to be okay.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Babe, did you get me these cool new boat shoes?

No. Oh, my God...

What?

The only person I know uncool enough to like those shoes, are you...

all: Surprise!

Oh, my God!

Rishi, say surprise to your sister.

Yeah, I saw her, like, yesterday.

Hi!

Hello.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, I've come to help you plan your wedding.

Your prayers have been answered.

And you guys are... you guys are staying... here?

Oh, if we're in your hair, there is a hotel at the airport.

Don't worry that we already brought up our heavy bags.

We can go.

No. Mr. Lahiri, my home is your home.

No, no, don't do that.

Oh, that's wonderful, because we took all the clothes out of your closet and put them on the fire escape.

I'm gonna chill here too till my girlfriend's birthday passes, 'cause I'm not trying to get her a gift.

This is great. This is like a big sleepover, all eight of us in a one-bedroom apartment.

Now, Mindy, while we're in town, we'd like to throw a little engagement party to meet your friends and Danny's mother.

Oh, my God, that's great!

That's great, but it's absolutely not possible, 'cause Ma is... she's not here. She's in... New Jersey.

Oh, that's not far.

No, yeah, no, I meant New Haven.

That's also not too far.

She's dead.

[gasps]

Wh... what?

I'm so sorry, Danny. When did that happen?

I don't know why I said that. No, she's alive. She can come.

What?

He's just making a joke.

Yeah, it's... it's funny.

That's not funny.

Yeah, I know.

Okay, can I talk for a second?

Sure.

Gimme one second.

Okay.

So, I...

Hey, you're acting really weird.

Trust me, we don't want Ma to come.

What? You love introducing your mother to people.

I mean, except me and my parents.

Oh, my God.

Does your mother have a problem with beautiful people?

No, it's just, you've been doing such a good job involving her with the wedding, but now that your parents are here, she's gonna feel threatened, okay?

They went to college, they're worldly, they flaunt their wealth.

Wealth? What wealth?

My weekly allowance is still crap.

Look, Ma only likes people who are exactly the same as her culturally, but slightly worse off, so she can feel comfortable, but superior.

Okay. We'll keep them apart.

Great.

Oh, wow! Sorry, sir.

[sighs] We need to find a hotel for your parents. It's too crowded.

I've seen your father's penis five times already.

Okay, you know what, I am basically your mother's on-call, private, 24/7 gynecologist.

I don't need to hear your issues with parental nudity.

Wait a minute. Did you remember to tell Ma that she doesn't need to take care of Leo this week?

No, I thought you were gonna do it.

[screaming]

Danny, Mindy, there are robbers in your house.

Ma!

Stop, stop, stop.

What are you doing? Put down the Kn*fe.

It's just Mindy's parents, they're not robbers.

Oh, my... Mindy's parents!

Ma, no, oh...

Oh, how nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Nobody told me you were here, despite numerous opportunities to do so.

Well, the good news is that the introduction was made.

Yes.

Everybody's happy, right?

Okay, let's get out of here. Yeah, well... we're gonna see you guys later. Let's go to T.J.

And you're sure you cannot come to the engagement party?

Engagement party?

What engagement party? Danny?

No. There is no engagement party... per se, I mean, it's just for you guys to go meet the Shulman g*ng and just... I thought you'd be bored.

And you know what you say about Indian food:

"Eat diarrhea, get diarrhea."

[gasps] No!

Excuse me, what is that saying?

Oh, it... it's nothing. It's absolutely nothing.

I would love to come to the party.

Oh, wonderful. Wonderful!

What should I bring?

Nothing. It's all taken care of.

I'm bringing something.

And it will be from both of us.

Okay.

Guys! Guys, gather around, uh...

Look, I can't believe I'm saying this, but...

I need you all to come to our engagement party tonight.

Tonight?

Are you serious?

Guys, we're not kidding. Danny needs you there.

We need to keep our moms apart.

They both think they're planning the wedding, so...

Hol... okay, hold on.

No one ever comes to my lame stuff.

Fine, you don't have to come.

No, I'd really like to.

Well make up your mind either way, you coming or not coming?

I can't come.

I have an important work commitment at Southern Legacy University.

I don't break commitments. I guess I'm just a good guy.

My word means something.

Okay, not a big deal, I don't know you that well. Whatever.

Oh, Dr. C, Can I bring Neil?

Neil the dog?

I'll put a sweater on him.

No, only humans.

What's the dress code?

Nothing you have will work. You'll have to buy something.

Okay, you can borrow one of my blazers.

Ugh.

Hey, guys, we're home.

Wow. This looks nice.

It looks like the kind of place Indiana Jones would just pop out of a basket.

Sari we're late. Get it?

[both laugh]

The taxi driver helped me put it on.

I did mine myself.

Wait a minute, we're not all wearing curtains?

Uh, it's fine. You look like a gypsy, Ma.

[Indian music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

'Sup.

No.

Annette, there you are!

Oh, Sonu.

[grunting]

Oh, you guys found each other.

Oh, sorry, you guys are here together, but Morgan, didn't you have that story you wanted to tell Ma?

Yes. About my wound, which is healed.

But the rash around it is worse than ever.

It's making, like, a little bit of a hiss sound.

Can you like take a look at it real quick?

No.

Yeah, Ma...

Two seconds. Please, please.

Just a few seconds.

Come with me, come with me.

Thank you guys.

Okay. All right.

[Indian music continues]

Excuse me, excuse me.

Mindy!

Hey, Jody. I didn't know you were gonna come.

Oh my God, I am so sorry that I had to bail on our trip to your Alma Mater.

Well, no need to apologize, because you're coming with me tonight.

N-no...

What do you mean, I'm coming with you?

Follow me.

Hey, man. No. Jody, I can't go.

I already returned my ticket and I spent the money to buy a waist-trainer from Taiwan that made me barf.

I bought you another ticket.

This trip is essential to our business, and this business is essential to you.

Now, where's your steamer trunk?

You do have a steamer trunk, do you not?

Hey, Min, your mom's telling theater stories again, she... she wants you to come listen.

What... why are your clothes out?

Well, the name of the play is already "Sheer Madness".

So you can only imagine the level of madness the night the power went off in the theater.

Well, they shined their phones on us so we could finish the show, which we did, to a standing ovation.

[cheering] - Oh, bravo, bravo. Diva.

Great story, Sah, Great story.

Jesus, Dot.

But if you liked that one, get a load of this.

One time, me and Dot, we went to SeaWorld in the summer.

So, we're thinking, school's out, everybody's gonna be there, but it was empty. In and out in three hours!

[Annette and Dot laugh]

Okay.

They're not liking our story.

Morons.

Oh, Sono.

So, we just booked my cousin Irma to be the photographer.

She's giving me a discount because she's got cataract.

Well, no, there's no need to worry about pinching pennies, Annette, because...

I have an announcement to make.

Tarun and I have decided to pay for the entire wedding!

What?

Yes, you're all coming to Boston.

Exsqueeze me?

Why are these clothes out?

My clothes are out because Jody was gonna do a little performance for the party.

And he needed to borrow a dress to do it.

Show him, Jody. Show him your act.

What?

[imitates a woman's voice] Hello, my name...

No, no, enough of this.

I will not stand by while these lies continue.

What the hell's going on with you two?

Okay, the truth is...

Jody and I were gonna go on a business trip.

Excuse me?

You guys are in business together?

Yeah. We've been traveling to colleges, telling young women how to freeze their eggs.

So, in addition to your regular practice and your fertility practice, you have a third job?

What about our family?

Well, it's great for our family.

Making extra money, I'm happy, and these college girls are really responding.

I mean, they look at me like I'm a role model.

Okay, look, I'm back, okay?

And you're not even supposed to be working.

That was the deal, right?

I know, but I wanted to talk to you about that.

I think I should go.

No. Please stay.

This is a business matter, and you're my business partner.

I want you to stay.

Okay.

I think that there's a... All right.

Boston? These people aren't gonna want to go to Boston.

Oh, I do. I love Boston.

They made the racism of the South seem quaint.

Well, that's not what Mindy wants, okay?

Sh... we... we bought a dress. She told me.

She bought a dress?

Yes.

Yeah.

Really?

Mm-hm.

She sent me a picture. Is this the one?

"Mom, isn't this wedding dress sexy and perfect and it looks great lying on the floor ha-ha-ha 'eggplant'."

Wha...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

When... when I left, you were excited to stay home with Leo, right?

Yes, I was. Kind of.

Kind of?

Yes.

Then you left, and I had to be a mom, and go to work.

And you know what, Danny? It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

But I did it, and I loved it and I wanna keep doing it.

Oh, you... you wanna keep doing it.

Well, you know, I realized something too when I was taking care of my dad. I thought...

[sighs] My childhood was terrible and Richie and I basically, we had to take care of ourselves, and I don't want that for our son.

Don't you want him to have family around?

All the time, always?

I don't know. My family's been here for two days, and you've threatened to throw yourself out of the window 14 times.

Yeah, because it took some getting used to, but I... I need it. I love it.

Oh, you love seeing my dad's penis?

You know what, I do. I love seeing every wrinkly inch of it, because that's life, that's what family is.

I didn't have that growing up, and I'd like Leo to have it, because, you know what? There's nothing better.

Okay, listen to me.

Leo is going to be fine, all right? He's amazing.

And Danny, I'm doing a good job. He is loved.

And honestly, if that is not enough for you, then, by all means, why don't you give up your career and stay at home?

Ha-ha are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

I don't like to be bullied like this.

I'm not bullying you.

You are bullying me.

We agreed, and now you're changing your mind?

I can't keep up with you. You know what?

I don't even recognize this relationship anymore.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

Hey, Annette. It's me.

What's that squeaking I hear?

Must be a rat.

Okay, well, I deserved that hilarious burn, but, Annette, I'm sorry about the dress.

Just, it really wasn't me.

Well, you don't have to worry about what I think anymore with your godless Boston wedding.

I'm not getting married in Boston.

What?

Yeah, that's what my mom wants.

Well, maybe somebody could've told me that before I ruined your party.

Please. Two screaming mother-in-laws does not ruin a party.

In India, it's rude if you don't fight.

[laughs] Yeah.

You know, Mindy, I guess it's just that I've come to think of you as a daughter, of sorts.

And then when Sonar flits into town all glamorous and rich, I wonder how I fit into the picture, and I go a little crazy.

That's actually kind of hard for me to understand because Danny and I are, like, so reasonable and cool-headed.

Sorry. [Annette laughs]

Hey, wait a minute, shouldn't you be on a plane?

Wait, you think I should go on my business trip?

I thought you weren't voting for Hilary Clinton because you thought she should spend more time being a grandma.

Oh, I just say that stuff because I'm jealous.

You and Hilary are living the life I never got.

I had to work crappy jobs to support my family, but you are working to make your dreams come true.

And it sucks... for me.

For you, I couldn't be happier.

You know, Annette, Sonu might be my mom, but you... you're my Ma.

Really? Wow.

I can't wait to rub that in her face.

Mm-kay.

Guess what, Princess Jasmine? Your daughter just called me Ma.

Okay, well, please don't do that.

That would really get me in a lot of trouble.

Morning, Tarun.

Good morning, Danny.

Hey, did Mindy sleep out here last night?

No, it appears she went on her business trip to Georgia.

[sighs] Well, that's great.

That's really considerate of her.

Danny?

Yeah?

Did I ever tell you that Sonu put her acting career on hold to raise our family?

And it was the right choice, right?

I mean, that's what I keep telling Mindy.

Nope. She's resented me for 30 years.

Well, she always seems so happy.

Most of the time, yes, but then, once a week, she screams, "You ruined my dreams!" and throws a scalding teabag at my face.

Danny, giving up your passions is very hard, no matter what you give it up for.

And Mindy is a much better doctor than Sonu was an actress.

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry.

What did you say?

Oh, sh**t.

[crowd laughing]

So we're suggesting that this year, you don't spend spring break in Myrtle Beach bringing shame on your families.

Guys, spring break is a joke.

The drinks are crazy expensive, you make out with a girl to get into a video, and then they edit you out.

[laughter]

So, we'd like to propose instead that you come to New York and freeze your eggs.

And if you still wanna bring shame to your family, you can stay in New York and take improv classes.

Thanks so much for coming out, guys.

Thank you.

[applause]

Does anyone have any questions about this process?

Yeah, we'll start in the back, there.

Uh... I have a question.

Oh, sorry.

The only male in the room, clearly a pervert.

Security, please escort this man from the room.

No no no no, I'm... I'm not a pervert.

I... I just want to say that I think you're both doing a great job.

I don't have ovaries, but this is... wouldn't you say, this is a very... it's a very compelling presentation.

I have a question for Dr. Lahiri.

Just wondering if you had dinner plans tonight.

No, I would love to have dinner with you.

[applause]

It's Danny, we work with him.

Ah, well, hello, Danny.

Wow. Min, that was incredible.

Thank you. I can't believe you came down here.

You're so great at this.

I can see now that you can do both.

I'm so happy to hear that.

Yeah, you can stay home with Leo, and do this on the weekend, like a hobby.

Hobby?

Yeah, it's perfect for being a mom, 'cause we're gonna have another kid soon, and then, you know, this will get you out of the house.

We're having another kid?

Yeah, that's why I pushed up the wedding... 'cause you wanna have more kids. Right?

I haven't thought about it in a while, but... yeah.

Yes. Yeah.

Good. Ah, I love you. I'm proud of you.

Thanks.

Hey, let's go home.

Okay.

Well, whatever you did to Danny under that airline blanket seems to have paid off.

He's tuckered out.

Hm.

So, am I to assume that you two have everything sorted?

Yeah...

I've found that the longer a "yeah" stretches out, the more it might mean something else.

No.

Oh, dear.

It's fine. We're good. We spoke, and I'm going to continue to do "Later, Baby" as a hobby.

A hobby? Our business?

Yeah, you know, it's just something that I can do in between having kids.

I mean, is that what you want?

I don't know. I mean, I'll figure it out.

Hm.

What does "hm" mean?

Oh, it's nothing, I was just thinking about last time I said, "We'll figure it out."

What happened?

We didn't. I had to leave my home and the love of my life for that godforsaken cesspool where I met you.

Oh, but that's a completely different situation than you're in, I wouldn't worry about it.

Just make sure that when you do figure out exactly what you want, you don't lose sight of it, okay?

Meanwhile, I have figured out exactly what I want.

The stewardess is giving me a signal to meet her in the lavatory.

Oh, God. You are a sex criminal.

Get out of here. Ugh.

[somber music]

♪ ♪