01x08 - Gerald's Two Dads

[bunniefuu]

♪ I met this super guy two days ago ♪
♪ He was nice and trim ♪
♪ We like to rock and roll... ♪

I'm so exhausted. I just tried to make rice with no water or rice. I just boiled a pot.

Just power through. Tomorrow we'll be closed, and Jimmy will be enjoying his Thanksgiving tradition of taking an upscale catalog model to Malibu for lobster and facials.

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

None of your business. You?

None of your business.

Last day before break, people.

Everyone excited?

All: Yeah!

For me to go to Malibu?

(all groan)

(laughs)

Which lucky lady are you bringing this year?

Kaylee Carmichael. She's the third-most followed stomach model on Instagram, but she's creeping up on second.

Which reminds me. Everyone, follow "KayleeSixPack" on Instagram, unfollow "CropTopTori." Okay.

Wait, so you're not doing Thanksgiving with your family?

Ah, see, this is the beauty part.

Now, they want me there for Thanksgiving.

I'm a big part of the family now, and I want to be there.

So, on my way to Malibu, I'll be doing a classic Jimmy Martino drop-by.

What's that, you ask?

No, we didn't.

It's my foolproof system for attending a party briefly, yet leaving a lifetime of memories behind.

So what I do is I slip in unnoticed, right?

So they think I've been there a while.

I compliment the turnout, I have a few laughs, and then I say, "You know, I'd love to stay longer, but I've got to go."

(laughs) Now that is so baller.

Right?

Did you do that at my wedding?

No. You kidding? That was a great wedding.

And a marvelous turnout, by the way.

Yeah.

It really was. It was.

(chuckles) I love you, Jimmy.

Jimmy?

Martino drop-by, guys.

He's the best.

Man, the only thing more boring than white person food is the whole holiday about white person food.

(chuckles) Won't get an argument from me.

I don't understand what the fuss is about...

♪ It's Turkey Time in the USA ♪
♪ The more you eat, the more you weigh. ♪

Uh, I know you're excited, but why do you keep singing that awful song?

Yeah, you're upsetting our daughter.

You guys have never heard the Thanksgiving song "Turkey Time in the USA"?

No, because you made it up in the shower this morning.

Busted. (chuckles)

You can hear what I do in the shower?

Yep.

Oh. Uh, hey, uh, don't-don't use that serving platter.

Uh, use the silver one Grandma gave us.

Really? We never use the nice stuff.

That's because most of our Thanksgivings were us eating Mexican takeout from Benny Loco's while watching soap operas in our sweats.

That sounds amazing.

It was the best.

But, you know, I-I want it to be a little more special this year, you know, for Edie.

That little lump might actually remember today.

Uh, plus, uh, Benny Loco's is now a vape store.

I know. Every time I drive past, I cry.

And occasionally pop in.

To tell them it's a filthy habit.

I promise, this year is gonna be the start of an amazing new Thanksgiving tradition.

Whoa. Is it one where I can still wear my sweats?

Or, uh, some slacks and a fun top that I already laid out on your bed.

Sara: Aw.

Hey, Jimmy. Oh, hey, there.

Been here a while, you know?

Really? Doing what?

Just enjoying this great turnout.

Sara: Turnout?

There's three of us and a baby.

Love it. Everyone, this is Kaylee.

You may recognize her from...

Oh, yeah, I'm not normally like this.

I-I drank so much water today.

I mean, this... isn't me.

(chuckles) And, Kaylee, this is everyone.

Stop saying "everyone." It's a tiny group.

(chuckles): Okay.

Jimmy, do you want to help Edie decorate some of the, uh, hand turkey place cards?

I'd love to. Yeah.

Come on, pork chop.

I'm gonna help the kid crank out some hand turkeys.

We'll be out of here in 30 minutes. (mouths)

Every time I draw, you give me a kiss. Ready?

Okay, good. Fast, faster.

Good, thanks. (babbling)

No, I-I'll do it. I'll do it.

One right here, right here.

Aah!

Where you going?

(whistles)

My whole thing is, in every picture, my stomach is telling a story.

Oh. My stomach just likes to tell the story of how much it likes bread.

Fun top, by the way.

Really? I was afraid it was a weird cut.

It's a little weird.

Okay.

All right, finished with the hand turkeys.

That was fast.

And Edie can't draw rainbows or ponies.

You were supposed to let her do that.

Yeah, and you were supposed to have two sleeves.

(chuckles)

Welp, that was a party for the ages.

Remember? You busted my balls about the hand turkeys and all.

Classic laugh.

Is that 2:30? Ooh.

It's 2:30?

2:30.

Got to go, sorry.

Thank you, thank you.

It's okay. Yeah, I figured you wouldn't stay long.

Not really your scene. Thanks for coming.

Aw, we had a great time, kid.

(door closes)

A great long time full of memories. Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh! I clocked you with a bag of yams.

I'm sorry. (chuckles) Hi.

Hi. Uh, and you are...?

I think you mean, "And you are?"

Oh, uh, Jimmy, this is Bruce.

Yeah, he's just coming back from a yams run.

Yep. Nice to meet you. I'd love to stay and chat, but I got to give these guys a bath.

(Gerald laughs)

The Bruce is loose!

With the produce!

(Gerald and Bruce laugh)

(chuckles): Bruce is loose with the produce.

Who is he?

Bruce used to date Mom off and on.

But, you know, even when they weren't together, he was kind of like a father to me.

You know, always around, taught me everything I know.

Oh, he just got back from living in Asia, and since he always spent Thanksgivings with us, I, uh, I invited him.

So he was sort of like a fill-in dad?

Yeah. But, you know, I've known him longer than I known you, so, in a way, you're the fill-in.

(chuckles)

We're all just people at the end of the day.

Hey, uh, Bruce.

Oh, yeah?

Edie's been asking for a ride on the Gobble Train. Oh!

Next stop, Turkey Town!

(imitates train whistle, whoops)

Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble...

Okay, we should get to Malibu.

I'm auditioning for this diet margarita ad tomorrow, and I need to build a base tan.

Right. Base tan.

Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble...

Best Thanksgiving ever, right, Edie?

Oh, uh, bye, Jimmy.

Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble...

(Edie babbles happily)

Okay, let's go.

Gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble-gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble-gobble...

When we get to Malibu, should we go massage then beach or beach then massage?

God, I hate dilemmas.

How about that Bruce guy? He's an odd duck, isn't he?

I don't know, he seemed cool.

That gobble train looked fun.

You okay? You look weird.

I feel weird.

I've got this twisty feeling in my stomach.

Probably a cramp.

Oh, drink some cactus water.

No, no, uh, it's not a muscle thing.

It's a... I feel, like, this hot, angry, nervous feeling, you know?

Oh.

You're jealous of Bruce.

(chuckles): Oh, come on. I'm not jealous of Bruce.

Okay. I don't get jealous.

People get jealous of me.

Okay, cool.

Kaylee: Why are we turning around?

Jimmy: Not jealousy, I'll tell you that much.

(blows raspberry) Are you saying stop or are you saying more? Do it again?

(blows raspberry)

(laughs)

Hey, Bruce, give her a juicy one.

He used to always k*ll me with the juicy ones.

Oh, I'm so glad you got to stick around.

God, I really hope they clear up that Malibu beach fire.

I wonder if anything's on the news.

Probably not, probably not.

So, why have you never mentioned Bruce before?

You embarrassed? I could see why.

No, it's probably just 'cause he was out of the country.

Mm, Asia. Right, you said Asia.

Sex tour type of thing?

(chuckles)

No. He's an aeronautics engineer.

Mm.

Hey, Bruce, why'd they send you to Beijing?

Oh, I was contracting with NASA to develop an end effector for astronauts when they walk in space.

But you yourself do not walk in space, is what I'm hearing.

No. Yeah, I spend all my days just cooped up in a lab.

Which is why it is so great to get out in the fresh air and get my hands dirty.

Hey, you want to help me with something, Jimmy?

James.

Oh. James, James, James, James, James, James, James.

Seven times. Locked in.

Come on.

You prefer James?

Shh.

I feel terrible.

I see you.

I see you, too.

I'll be back, and we'll do the real tickling, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

(sighs)

Pretty wild stuff. Old flame's back in town.

I guess we're gonna get that soap opera after all.

Hardly.

Oh, come on, I'm so bored. Give me the details.

Uh, who dumped who? Was the sex insane?

Did it just, like, get too crazy?

Aren't you supposed to be making the cranberry sauce?

Yeah, it's in the oven.

The cranberries are in the oven?

No.

Freshly cut firewood, anyone?

Nice. Let me get a sniff of that.

That hits me in all kinds of good places.

Yeah. (chuckles)

I brought some, too. Mom, come take a drag.

"Take a drag." Like...

(gasps) Oh, that is so good.

Yeah, right? Mmm.

(Gerald, Bruce and Sara inhaling, moaning)

Look, I like sniffin' logs just as much as the next guy, but... how'd you like to watch some Turkey Day football with your old man, huh?

I've always wanted to hear those words.

I'm gonna go lay out.

You're a football guy, James?

(scoffs) You kidding?

I'm practically Gisele's husband.

Oh, yeah?

Okay. Well, you know there's only one thing better than watching football.

What do you say?

I say let's do this.

Yeah! Yeah!

(laughter) All right.

I'll put the wood down.

Let's play some ball, huh?

(groans) Here we go.

Blue, 42. Blue, 42.

Hut!

(Sara yells)

Oh...

(ball splashes)

Sara: Huh.

So should we just... go back inside?

Yeah, let's call it.

I'm a little chilly.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

(chuckles)

You looked pretty good out there!

Yeah, right? You were always fast.

I know. I mean, nobody could ever catch this guy.

Okay.

(line ringing)

(ringtone playing)

Make it quick, Jimmy.

I need you to go shopping for me.

For what?

You have every shirt.

No. For my family.

There's this guy here who basically raised Gerald, and-and he's, like, this wood-chopping, belly-farting super dad.

Every time I see him, I get this weird feeling in my stomach, like, this hot ball that's-that's poking me with-with these long, tickly little fingers.

Are you trying to describe jealousy?

(scoffs) Please. I don't get jealous.

I just want to bring some joy into my family's day, that's all, by having my assistant go out and get some last-minute gifts.

I'm on vacation. We need to have boundaries.

I'll buy you whatever you want.

A 70-inch curved TV with 4K UHD?

Done.

And a couch to watch it on?

No.

Deal.

(phone beeps)

Well, I don't need to be here anymore.

Happy Black Friday, suckers!

I'm about to join the curve revolution!

Man: Get out of here!

Oh, I like this... real pants on Thanksgiving.

Oh, come on, don't make fun of me.

You used to love my sweats.

Oh, yeah. No, I loved them, but I also love these.

Okay, what about the year when I wore your old basketball shorts?

Those were the best.

(laughs) So you're just a guy who likes everything.

No. Wrong. You're just a girl who looks good in everything.

Flirt.

Yeah, I'll cop to that.

(sighs) (laughs)

Damn, that was hot.

Huh?

Thanksgiving just got horny.

Wha...? No, you're just bored.

Or insane.

Your chemistry is insane.

Let me guess... he's a Leo, you're a Scorpio?

He's a Cancer, I'm a Virgo.

No.

So how long were you two a thing?

(groans)

For, like, a year.

And since then, we've just been friends.

Except when we got back together for three years.

Twice.

Whoa. So it's kind of a huge deal that he's back.

No. It's...

I mean...

(sighs) Okay, it's a Li...

Oh, why am I talking about this with you?

Jimmy: Hey, turkeys.

It's gobble gobble gift time.

Everyone, outside!

Gifts on Thanksgiving? Is that even a thing?

Of course. Didn't you ever wonder why "giving" is in the title, huh?

No. 'Cause it comes after the word "thanks."

Yeah, well, you'll be giving me thanks after you see this.

Wordplay.

Barely.

Come on, guys, trust me, this is great.

Gerald, come on.

All right!

Oh, hey.

Hmm?

You're gonna want to see this.

Oh, I am. I love surprises.

I'll bet you do.

I do.

You like big ones?

Sure. I love big ones.

That's what I heard.

I'm glad somebody told you that, 'cause it's true.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Follow me.

Okay.

Come on. I want to show you something.

Wait. Uh, should we wake her up?

Jimmy: No. She knows what she's doing.

So she likes weird tan lines?

Can we stay on task here?

I...

Come on, Gerald. Now, I know you want this Thanksgiving to be special, but that's not possible without a special Thanksgiving turkey fryer!

A 50-quart aluminum ridge pot with a steamer basket?

Mm-hmm.

This is real life?

I fired it up while you guys were inside, so she's ready to go.

Thanks, Dad! That's so thoughtful.

You're welcome, son.

(chuckles)

Hey, while we're still in the gift-giving mood, does anybody mind if I contribute a little something?

Well, we're sort of past that portion of the day...

You know, when Gerald was just a little guy, like, about seven or eight years old, we went camping in Big Bear.

And one night, over hobo stew, we got to talking about trees and the metaphor of growth.

Gerald: Yeah. I don't know if you remember this, Gerald.

"Our arms are like branches... always reaching."

Bruce: Exactly. Yeah.

So we planted a birch tree that night, just as a silly way to track the passage of time, you know.

Yeah. But this last spring, I found out our little Birchy...

Birchy! It's what we called it, right?

Birchy? That's stupid.

Bruce: Well, Birchy had become a full-grown tree.

So, I harvested its bark and I made you...

Gerald: No.

A canoe.

(gasps) That boat is dope.

Bruce, I...

I don't know what to say.

I do. H-He k*lled your childhood tree, the guy.

All right, come on, guys. Let's get back to turkey time.

Come on! Turkey time!

Hey, you know, that's way too much oil.

I own a restaurant, Bruce; I think I know something about fryers.

Okay, understood, but I have actually sent rockets the size of office buildings into orbit, so I know a few things about oil levels.

(grunts) Dad, Bruce, let go!

Hey, look what you're doing!

I'm fine!

Well, I've never been better.

You've never been better? Your pants are literally on fire!

Dad!

Just let go, fancy boy.

I knew you were competing with me.

I'm trying to save you, dingus!

Dingus?

Stop it! Stop it!

Little spillage.

Let go!

Stop! Oh! (all scream)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh!

Birchy! Dad...

Vanessa: I got it.

I got it.

(screams) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Get some, get some.

At least we know the fryer works.

I'm so sorry, Gerald. I ruined Thanksgiving.

Whatever. It's just a day.

No, you wanted it to be special for Edie and for you.

Thanksgiving has unethical origins anyway.

No, Gerald, it's okay to be mad at me.

It's called being mature! Look it up!

Good. Go with that.

Why are you even here?!

Weren't you supposed to be in Malibu hours ago?!

Did you literally stay just to ruin everything?

Because it worked!

Oh, there's more?

Okay, I'm mad, I'm starving, and I have nothing to canoe with!

No, I stayed because...

I was jealous.

Is that supposed to make everything better?

You admitting you were jealous?

No.

I know you were jealous!

Look, I know you didn't know about me, okay, so I'm not blaming you, but when I was a kid, I got jealous.

You know, when someone's dad would coach soccer, or-or show up for career day, or clearly do their science project for them.

But I sucked it up.

And then Bruce came along, and I had someone that was kind of like a dad, and it was nice.

You know, he even came to some of our little Mexican takeout Thanksgivings that were a lot better than this.

I actually thought you might like to meet the guy who did that for me.

Whatever.

I'm sorry you were jealous.

I just wish you handled it at least as well as I did when I was eight.

You're right.

You're right. Let me make this up to you.

It's all right, Dad. You don't have to make...

No. Give me an hour, okay? Give me an hour, please.

Hey. Don't you love it that I can still fit into your jeans? Nope.

Listen, I was thinking it might have been a mistake for me to come here today, so I should probably leave.

Oh, no, don't go.

So you want me to stay?

I just mean, where could you possibly go?

You're wearing lady jeans.

Oh.

You think this is my first time wearing lady jeans in public?

Plus, my ass looks amazing in these. Bang!

It actually does.

Are you flirting with me?

(chuckles)

I'll cop to that.

Hmm.

♪ ♪

(silverware tapping on glass)

I can't tell you how thankful I am, uh, to myself, I guess, for opening up my restaurant, Jimmy's, every year to you slobs.

(laughter)

I guess what I'm saying is... I love you.

I freakin' love you guys, and... get the hell out of here!

Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Okay, okay, okay. Go!

Go!

You just threw away your phone.

Yeah, it's gone, like you should be, Ezra!

Ravi?

Oh, Jimmy.

Thank God. These vagrants cooked Thanksgiving dinner in your kitchen.

We got here just in time.

Isn't that your friend Ezra?

Ezra?

Buddy, if you can see them, they can see you.

I don't care what you got going on.

I just need to use the kitchen.

Do your thing.

Hey, guys, good news. Turns out my business partner and I are okay with me doing this.

JK, huh? LOL. Come on.

(fingers snapping, indistinct chatter)

("Rent I Pay" by Spoon playing)

♪ I've been losing sleep ♪
♪ Just nodding sleep ♪
♪ That I wish that I knowed ♪
♪ Hmm, and I lost all my tapes... ♪

Oh!

I'm hiding from the owner.

Just go eat.

(door closes)

Sorry I'm late, among other things I'm sorry for.

You guys must be starving.

Nah, we're good.

Yeah, we had some of Vanessa's oven-roasted cranberries to tide us over.

Oh.

Surprisingly, the heat does not make them less tart.

(chuckles) What's in the bags?

Oh, I found an old, uh, Benny Loco's menu online.

I think I nailed the taco dunkers and the enchilada sticks, but the bow-chicka-wow-wow sauce... difficult to nail from just a picture. I think it was, uh...

W-Wait, that's what you've been doing for three hours?

You made Benny Loco's?

Yeah. Well, you said, uh... you said your old Thanksgivings were better, so...

I thought at least I could bring you this.

You guys have a nice dinner. I'm gonna head out.

Happy Thanksgiving, son.

W-Wait, wait, wait.

Do you want to stay?

Oh, come on, I'm not the kind of guy that makes things all about me.

But do you want to stay?

Yeah.

I don't have to eat that though, do I?

Nah. Come on, I'll go get Mom and Bruce.

Nah, I'll get 'em. I owe an apology to Bruce, and some new cargo pants.

What do you say they run, about 20 bucks? Less?

No, way less. They're in the kitchen.

Yeah. You know, I never get jealous.

I-I don't know why I got jealous today.

♪ I've made up my mind... ♪

Maybe that's why.

♪ Keep pressing rewind ♪
♪ But I'm getting older... ♪

(snaps fingers) Called it.

(indistinct chatter, laughter)

♪ Tried every door... ♪

So, you and Bruce... it looks like it's more on again than off again.

Shut up.

Nice butt grab, by the way.

Stop. (honking)

Wow. Okay.

My, uh, my first Thanksgiving toast.

Unique New York, unique New York, unique New York...

Sweetie, we're starving.

Sorry.

All right, here goes.

Um... I started today trying to give Edie some kind of traditional Thanksgiving, but I realize now that tradition is just whatever happens when you bring together the people you love.

You know, Oprah once said that...

It's not time for Oprah.

(babbling)

Gerald: Oh, sorry.

(laughs) How do you end these things?

Amen?

Amen! Mm-hmm.

Jimmy: Cheers.

A-men!

Yeah!

Cheers, everybody.

Oh, my God.

That tastes just like Benny Loco's!

And the bow-chicka-wow-wow sauce is perfect!

Uhp! There's the chicka!

Oh, I frickin' love you, Jimmy.

(laughs)

Try this.

Oh, yeah? Mmm?

Oh, wow.

Wow! Mmm. (laughs)

(laughter)

Come on, one more. Come on.

Oh!

Hey, Bruce.

Yeah?

Cheers.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

There you go!

Nope. It's terrible.

(laughter)

(gasps)

Oh, no.

Edie: Oh, no.

Did you forget I was out there?

No!

No, we have a seat for you right, um... right here.

The dog woke me up.

He was licking all over my face.

We don't have a dog.

Must've been a coyote.

We have a dog.

Oh, good.

We were... cuddling for a while.

God, are you guys hot?

Water?

Okay.

Cheers, son.

Oh, cheers. Thanks, Dad.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

All: Cheers!

(laughter, whooping)